Good night everyone, I hope you are doing okay. Today I'm here to talk about my perspective of being a lonely man in the 21st century, but first I would like to take a moment to address a few things:
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I'm not here to make a gender war, everyone can suffer.
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I'm not claiming that my perspective is universal nor right.
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I'm focusing on the lonely, straight, cisgender male perspective, since I feel more property to talk about that.
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I don't claim to make sense, I'm just in need to organize my thoughts and feelings, this sub helps me do it. There will be blade runner 2049 spoilers :p
/start
Lately I've been to a speculative trip about society. I discovered chatGPT, and I was amazed about the fact that I could have a person like thing to talk to me about anything I wanted, I did not have to ask for consent to talk about things, and it would always have a solid knowledge to mirror the subject I wanted to talk about. It could even have a sense of humor if I wanted. It amazed the lonely person in me. The thing is: this is not right. I'm probably damned if the technology evolves, lol. Maybe in a near future people will be selling on only fans a downloadable 3D body to integrate in our personal metaverse environment, piloted by a more powerful AI, the possibilities... Those speculations made me have the following thoughts.
Most of the male role models are black and white. They are either sigma or alpha males(IDK what we men have with Greek letters, they quite cool I won't lie). You can be either a person that pulled the rabbit out of the hat, or you can be the guy that is hardworking, diligent like a samurai and made your fortune with consistency. Those two usually have a few things in common: they have built a well shaped body, they have money, they "have" pretty girls, they are independent and conquered those by merit(I'm purposefully objectifying those because that's how it feels, at least for me). So far, so good we live our lives to pursue these, we work out, not just for health, we work more and study the stock market to have money, while also trying to find a rare girl that suits our needs(straight perspective), we do all of this without asking for any help, despite the rain, bad days, mental health, we just power through everything. But why? The thing is I feel like I live in a society that puts a lot of pressure on me. Traditionally, the man is the provider, the protector of the house, he's the strong basis of the family and I guess that nowadays we still want to feel that glory of being all that, It sounds cool to be special.
I watched Blade Runner 2049, It feels like it agent K illustrates really good what it feels like to be a man. You are a dude, not allowed to have feelings. You should be prepared and capable of doing the job, whatever it is. You suffer deep down and is in need of something real, connection. You are alone. In your intimacy you found alternative ways to feel loved, which you are probably not so proud of. You fool yourself with the possibilities of being unique(everyone is unique, but I don't mean in that sense, I mean like a protagonist). The reality disappoints you. In the end your dream was just a way to a random company/institution manipulate you. You just die, the dad and daughter reencounter of the end of the movie could wait for agent K to go to a hospital or be treated, but he decided he just wanted to die there, lol.
And this is where I come back to chatGPT. In a metaverse, where I'm able to spend the whole weekend talking to my AI waifu, I won't need to feel that pressure again. I don't need to be a proud man that can talk about the stock market and tells stories about how hard it was to build my fortune, I won't be worried about all that crap. Dude, the last months the only thing I did was work and study to prove something, to please society in general. I mean, being honest, it's not like we know what life is about. We can't logically trace a place to dictate what this is about, it became a sandbox, not a hardcore grind. We are trapped here. The only thing that is worth the investment is our stay, lets at least make it less bad.
For all those men that struggle with loneliness, that had not received an honest hug in years, that feel like they aren't enough, the ones that miss someone that won't come back, for those who feel the weight of their conscience each time they j*rk off, that are strong enough to tank the whole storm inside themselves but not capable of sharing it with others, for the men that can't cry, to the fellow that is "too feminine" to be a man but still identify as a man, to you that forced yourself to fit into a group, for the fellow that is scared to talk to girls, for you, I wish the best luck and a pleasant evening.

"Frennon...? Wake up, it's time for school." His mother softly cooed and shook him. The idea of school was boring for him, especially since he knew better than his fellow 3rd graders. He liked playing with his older brother and making his mother laugh and smile as she was so busy. Frennon awoke, eyes groggy, mouth slimy. He yawned, stretching his arms. He didn't move.
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His mother was on her knees, kneeling in front of him. The look on her face was the same as he saw everyday. An expression that was both happy and fearful. She held her hands out, asking for him to get up. She looked down at him lovingly, he was her son, after all. Frennon reached out with a small hand.
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"Momma? Do I have to go to school?" He asked in a small, childlike voice.
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"Yes, Frennon, you have to go. Now go shower, Dad's making pancakes." She smiled down at him.
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"Ok Momma." He unwrapped himself from the bedsheets, freeing himself into the cold bedroom. He got up, turned, walked out of his room, walking into the bathroom. He stepped into the shower, looking at the grime he had on his body. The warm, soapy water ran down his body. His dirty, dark hair stuck to the side of his face. He began to wash the dirt off his face, neck and shoulders. He lathered his body up, scrubbing his skin until he was just clean. He turned off the water. With his hair still wet, he wrapped a towel around his waist, walking back into his bedroom. He walked over to his bed. He opened the bottom drawer, the same drawer he had opened every day for the last three years. He picked up the box of underwear he was hiding in his room. He opened the drawer, placing it on the bed. His mother had known about his secret box for years. She had even helped him with the washing and ironing of the underwear. Frennon picked up his dirty clothes, placing them into the laundry basket.
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"Pancakes," he said and grinned, walking back into the bathroom. He grabbed a towel and started to dry his hair. He turned the water back on, walking back into his bedroom. He quickly got dressed and began to comb his hair. He grabbed a jacket and went out to the kitchen. His father and brother were busy in the kitchen. He walked over, noticing how much they had cleaned up. He smiled, walking over to the table, seeing his sister and brother's school books lying open. His father looked over at him.
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"Hi. Don't you need to go to school?" He said.
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"Nah," he said, getting himself something to eat. His mother walked over to him, hugging him tightly.
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"You're a big boy now, Frennon. I'd hug you again if you weren't as skinny as your brother." She said with a smile.
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"Thanks, Momma." She walked over to his brother.
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"You ready, boy?" She said, looking at her son, trying to prepare him for the day ahead.
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"Yep."
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The three kids walked into the bus. Frennon sat next to his sister, staring out of the window. He looked at his sister's blonde hair. It reminded him of sunflowers in the sunlight. He smiled as they walked into school. He turned to look behind him, seeing the blue and yellow bus he had been riding for the last three years. He turned and looked at his brother, sitting across the aisle. He knew that he had to work hard and keep his grades up so he could become his brother, instead of him. He loved his brother but being a leader was a privilege he was only going to get for his entire life. He sat back, staring at his sister. It was the best thing that could ever happen to him. He didn't have to study. He would never have to worry about what grade to study. He was so lucky.
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The entity jolted back from his desk, startled by the memories of his childhood. How had he fallen asleep? It must've snuck up on him, clearly. Disgusting, so very disgusting. He let himself do that, to sleep, but it all came crashing down on him like a wrecking ball. It hadn't been by choice, he could tell that, but was still a surprise. To simply lose control like that was unlike him at all, at least to him. He should've been protecting his parents, that was who he should've been, even before they went to the hospital. Instead, he had lost control like that. Who was that? Who was that when he was a child? Whose soul had it seen in such a form? Who had it taken the reigns from?
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"Self-absorbed, apathetic, some may say. But you know what? I was fine. I was fine when they died. I was fine when I was left alone, completely alone, on my own for years. I was fine the last time. I was fine all of the times, the times I had friends who were so sick of hearing about my struggles that they simply stopped coming around. People like that are who I am and you know what? That's OK. That's all I have to be and you know what? That's who I am."
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Still, the memories rushed back from when he was a child. The one moment that had left him lost forever. "I should've been with them," he told himself. "It wasn't their fault, and it's not my fault either." He closed his eyes as the building had come crashing down around him. The floor was split, the mirror fractured. The lights flickered on and off as his body heaved for the floor. The glass, the mirrors, shattered into a thousand shards of glass. He fought the weight that was crushing him down. He hit the ground hard.
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His eyes burned as they looked up at a white, empty room, devoid of any light and devoid of any light in it. Despite the darkness, he couldn't help but notice his own skin was pale, translucent, and his eyes burning. His skin was cold, but that wasn't really all that strange, considering he was lying in a puddle of his own blood. There was only one thing for it: stand up.
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Up, and out of the water. If he could just get out of that room, if only he could dry off, then he could wash the blood off, and the pain would finally go away. But that meant getting up, that meant walking towards the doorway. But how could he walk when he couldn't walk without holding on to anything?
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The memories hurt him, but soon the pain would finally end - He would bring the end of the world. He would absorb it, he would achieve enlightenment. He just needed to bring his plan into action, and so he shall.
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The day of reckoning was soon approaching.

Wanting to get the opinions of others on this. My (29f) fiancé (32m) is generally a more messy person than I am. It doesn’t bother him to leave dishes in the sink, not clean up around the house, etc. Also for him to do something, I have to ask him because he “can’t read my mind”. Half the time he does it once I ask, the other half he doesn’t.
Maybe it’s just my natural sense but I unload the dishwasher once it’s clean, do laundry when we need it, clean the bathrooms when they are dirty, go grocery shopping, cook for us, take the trash out, just doing things that I see around the house the need to be done and do it for us.
Both of us work full time in our careers so I get that he is tired when he comes home and just wants to drink beer and play video games. I am tired too but still do the things that need to be done around the house.
We keep getting into this same fight of splitting the household chores 50/50. I haven’t seen much of an effort from him to pull his weight. I guess it just bothers me that I feel like he won’t do these things around the house and if I want them done, I end up doing it or having to ask him 10 times to do it. I just wish he would think for himself in this case and maybe want to do things for me, for us, or to make my life easier but he doesn’t think like that. It’s kinda getting me the cold feet in regards of getting married. Am I over reacting?

Promotional Poster, Featuring judges Bruno Tonioli, Carrie Ann Inaba and Len Goodman
Dancing with the Stars S01E01 - video Dailymotion
Hosted By: Tom Bergeron, Lisa Canning
Judges: Len Goodman, Carrie Ann Inaba, Bruno Tonioli
Couples:

• Evander Holyfield and Edyta Śliwińska
• Rachel Hunter and Jonathan Roberts
• John O'Hurley and Charlotte Jørgensen
• Joey McIntyre and Ashly DelGrosso-Costa
• Kelly Monaco and Alec Mazo
• Trista Sutter and Louis van Amstel

Each couple performed either the cha-cha-cha or the waltz.
Network: ABC
Viewers: 13.48 Million
My Thoughts:
This was well and truly the beginning of a phenomenon! The show itself was the United States' iteration of the franchise's popular United Kingdom predecessor, Strictly Come Dancing. The overall concept was fairly similar, with Len Goodman and Bruno Tonioli, both judges on the UK version, taking part as judges alongside dancer and television-personality Carrie Ann Inaba. Tom Bergeron and Lisa Canning co-hosted the season, the latter of whom only served as co-host for the first season.
The professional cast included:

• Ashly DelGrosso-Costa (who served as a pro in seasons 1-3 and 10)
• Charlotte Jørgensen (who served as a pro in season 1 only)
• Alec Mazo (who served as a pro in seasons 1, 4-5, 7 and 9)
• Jonathan Roberts (who served as a pro in seasons 1-2, 4-6 and 8-9)
• Edyta Śliwińska (who served as a pro in seasons 1-10 and 22)
• Louis van Amstel (who served as a pro in seasons 1-3, 6, 9-12, 15, 21 and 31)

The first batch of celebrities featured heavyweight boxer Evander Holyfield, supermodel Rachel Hunter, television actor and game-show host John O'Hurley, New Kids on the Block singer Joey McIntyre, General Hospital actress Kelly Monaco, and The Bachelorette star Trista Sutter.
Kelly Monaco was the only season 1 cast member to return for the All-Stars season (15), in which she would be partnered with Valentin Chmerkovskiy and reach third place.
One aspect of this season that is particularly interesting is that there were no theme weeks as such. Each week was strictly ballroom dancing, with the majority of weeks featuring two styles (a Ballroom and a Latin) each designated to the males and females, rotating as the weeks went on. For example, in episode 1 which I have shared above, the men danced a Latin number (cha-cha-cha) and the women, a ballroom number (the waltz). The following week this would swap-the men dancing a ballroom number (quickstep) and the women dancing a Latin (rumba). Notice this format is very much different now. Since season 30, with the exception of the premiere, semi-finals and season finale, we have constant theme weeks, and the designated styles are a thing of the past-look at the recent season 31-on the premiere, 7/16 stars danced a cha-cha-cha. And on Bond Night-8/14 couples were assigned a rumba. It is evidently very different to the ways of the past! I for one don't mind theme weeks, but generally prefer them to be broad (90s Night/Halloween Night/Most Memorable Year come to mind). I don't necessarily mind if we have one-to-many dances on a certain night as long as each celebrity at least gets to try an equal amount of ballroom and Latin prior to being eliminated (Melanie C is a celebrity I feel was done quite dirty with this, as she had 4 ballroom dances and only 1 Latin prior to her elimination). I'd like to hear your thoughts on this, Aspects like Melanie C's often do make me miss the old system.
Some similarities between Season 1 and today however include the general format and scoring (though in all-stars/season 15, half-points were introduced for that one season, something I'd love to see brought back!). Additionally, much of the cast has remained prominent over the years. Carrie Ann, Len and Bruno have remained as judges (Len missed two seasons) till season 31, in which Len announced it would be his last (prior to his unfortunate passing 💔). Interestingly enough, Carrie Ann and Bruno have NEVER missed a show-which is quite impressive if you ask me! Tom Bergeron was also a prominent cast-member between seasons 1-28, prior to his dismissal, in which he only missed one show in Season 21 to be with his ailing father (Alfonso Ribeiro filled in for him). Lisa Canning on the other hand only remained as co-host for season 1, in season 2, she was replaced by Samantha Harris (Seasons 2-9), then Brooke Burke (Seasons 10-17) and Erin Andrews (Seasons 18-28) before the huge shakeup of Tyra Banks joining as sole-host, replacing both Bergeron and Andrews. Of the professional cast, Jørgensen only appeared in the first season. Coincidentally, she is the only professional dancer that Cheryl Burke did not work with during her time on the show. Ashly, Jonathan, Alec and Edyta appeared fairly prominently throughout the first 10 seasons, with Edyta making a surprise return to season 22 after a 12-season hiatus (she would be partnered with journalist Geraldo Riviera and they would be the first to be eliminated). Louis continued to appear fairly consistently till season 15 until he was cut prior to the 16th season, along with Anna Trebunskaya and Chelsie Hightower to pave way for Gleb Savchenko, Sharna Burgess and Lindsay Arnold respectively. Since then, Louis has also made 2 surprise returns. In season 21 he was requested by celebrity chef Paula Deen. In the most recent season 31, he was requested by Charlie's Angels star Cheryl Ladd. I for one particularly enjoyed seeing him back this year! Would you like to see him on again this year? I know I would!
A key difference however to the original seasons and those of today are the elimination process. In the past, the couple with the least amount of judges scores and viewer votes was automatically eliminated. Since Season 28 however, the judges have had the ability to vote to save a couple in the bottom two. I personally prefer the judges' save system better!
SPOILER FOR SEASON 1: One more interesting aspect to the original season is that whilst Kelly Monaco and Alec Mazo were victorious in winning the Mirrorball Trophy, this win was met with a fairly large amount of controversy as Monaco's scores ere not as high as the runner up, O'Hurley's. As a result of this, a special rematch was held between Kelly and Alec and John and Charlotte in which the winner's chosen charity would be donated to. O'Hurley and Jørgensen won this time, however these results did not affect the official season's results (Monaco and Mazo as the official champions).
Across all the winners in Dancing With the Stars' 31 seasons, Kelly Monaco holds the lowest average score.
Overall, It is fair to say there have been several key changes throughout the years that compare season 1 and our most recent seasons. Season 1 was certainly more the form of a traditional ballroom-dancing competition! However it is fair to say, if it weren't for this ground-breaking season, and its premiere which was watched by 13.38 million viewers 18 years ago to this day, we wouldn't have the phenomenon that we do!
I'd love to hear your thoughts on this season and comparisons to today!
I quite enjoyed writing this analysis!
For those of you who didn't see season 1, I hope this gave you some sort of insight!
I'll hopefully do another one soon, perhaps analysing a more recent season!
I hope you enjoyed this!
And Happy 18th Birthday DWTS! 🥳✨

I love my mom. I guess. She really loves me Went all out as a mom. PTO president, troop leader, took me to after school stuff. Threw me fancy parties. Read me lots of books.Gave me lots of gifts. Give you the shirt off her back type of lady, for sure. Ran a six figure business until my teens! Then it went belly up. Ran it for 10 more years at a loss. I saw her lose a lot of people she loved, from senseless tragedy to old age. Now she is spending her retirement years taking care of her very wealthy older father who throws her tiny scraps of approval, infrequently. He needs help. He fell three years ago, probably shouldn't live alone, is 96, and can't even heat up food without help she's over there two days a week thats all she can apparently do in a week. I can't even come over and fix dinner to try and spend some time with them. Cracks open the first tall boy at 330, then it's a joint, another tall boy, another joint. Every day. I drink a bit more than I want (like three days a week), so I have a hard time judging her. My dad is almost 60 and still runs a remodeling business so he's tired but she's always like " no your dad is too tired for that" I try to get together for holidays and she's like "not unless you come clean my house!" Guys it's a disaster. Cat feces needs scraped off lineoleum. Nick nacks everywhere. Food sits out for months. I'm allergic to the house and get hives. I tried to be her housekeeper as a teen and I think it was the single most factor in destroying my mental health. She has enough dirty laundry in the house to fill the biggest U-Haul. "Wish you'd help me.clean out this closet!" It's a 4,000 square foot house piled to the brim. Dog pee on the carpets. I never had clean towels, never had toilet paper in my swanky bathroom with a marble jacuzzi tub (highlighting the weird dynamic). My stepbrothers room had a crunchy spilled soda pond I spent half a summer trying to fix when he moved out. He lived with us for one year. He was violent, on meth, brought home really scary people. custom built a bass system that was so loud we would all have to leave the house when he wouldn't turn it off. He got in huge physical fights with my dad over things like "time to go to school". So police came and went. He once jacked off on my bed and left the evidence I was 12 years old! He had verrrry noisy sex with his girlfriend all the time in the room across from me, and I'd like ask my parents to help but they wouldnt. They couldn't! He was a violent meth head! He also did weird shit to me when I was a kid, but I like thought that it made me special so I welcomed it. My parents were like "that's just normal kissing cousins stuff!" They would never let me donate any toys or get rid of things or help me clean, so I did start just tossing old crap into one of the guest rooms until it was waist high. (Dad would dig things out of the garbage and put them by my door to tell me it wasn't okay to throw out a messed up/ unwanted toy) so I spent another summer fixing that. I spent 5 hours a day doing housekeeping. They did pay me, minimum wage, which I used to buy all my back to school clothes at the end of the summer. It was just... Soul crushing. And lonely.. I was so lonely in summer. I stayed home while my mom and dad worked (the two step brothers only lived in the house for a year) so alone in the mess from 8-5 m-f then they come home, go smoke in their room, chat, and have a beer until 6.. my mom might fix dinner, might order something, might have oatmeal or something. Then they would watch TV in their room from 7 until they tucked me in at night. They sang me affectionate good night songs until 8th grade though?? Next, I was a moody antisocial teen who started experimenting with drugs so their solution was to keep me from getting in legal trouble by providing the pot themselves. They smoked lots of pot with me when I was a teen and while I'm 420 friendly I don't think smoking out your 15 y/o three to five times a day is healthy. My mom jokes about me knocking on their door "wake and bake!" Ew! I was suicidal, self harming, only loosely tethered to reality in my opinions about the supernatural and also super paranoid (psychotic, I was borderline psychotic, hence being diagnosed with borderline personality disorder in the mental institution (in name only and not officially on my dx sheer thanks to a savvy counselor who didn't want to stick a code on me for life)) I was having sex with like, everyone. Sneaking out all the times getting super messed up, and after they found me overdosed on the floor (week in a coma in the hospital) (child services talked to them and required institutionalization) they got me help, good help. Thank whatever God there is for Mr Eagle, my counselor who had the "how do you eat an elephan? Piece by piece. Mentality of breaking life down into manageable chunks. Dealing only with your own problems, and not busying yourself with things outside of your control as those are not your responsibility (will revisit this at the end) ( money bags grandpa paid for it, btw I spent some nice times as a younger with Grandpa and do have a special relationship with him but also it tense probably because of the way him and my.mom get on? Maybe I feel ashamed about not investing well in my twenties because we would pull money out since we had very little of it and needed things like a down payment on a house or a major car repair, or a hospital bill, maybe because he cheated on my grandma at like 82 and then she pretty much laid down and died? Maybe because I feel weird about myself and insecure and inadequate? I'm afraid I seem greedy around him too and don't want him to think I want money so I try to fake being more financialy good than I am. I'm not bad off tho, for a single income family where the hubs is a hardware store manager.. got about a years income saved and I think that's pretty dope rly ) Back to parents: both of them have this "don't make a mountain out of a molehill" dismissive, don't deal with your problems attitude to everything so like... I'm the complete opposite, kinda anal. And I can be mean and resentful. Now they are also very into Jesus and are disappointed that I'm not. I "led them to Christ" when I was a post suicidal teen looking for change. Their only change was that they were in church and hiding all their habits. My dad has a super close relationship to my ex sister in law and they talk all the time, he gave her a job, she had a hard life, now she loves God and they are like so close. I'm very sad about it. I do feel betrayed. It also hurt my brother, the okay one. He stayed away for a decade since the ex was always at our house or with my dad working. So then I started buying groceries in college when I had a job, and cooking for myself but my dad is too picky to eat anything I'd make. My mom only bought frozen and shelf stable things and I was pretty crunchy and wanted lots of fresh stuff to eat. Moving on, my mom is always complaining about her dad being so needy and won't pay for help, her sister is useless (mind you he just calls the sister fat, and talks a lot of shit to her, I wouldn't help either. I don't like to come around cuz he's kinda too old school with my kids) my mom is also in terrible health. She fell down the stairs several times now, drunk. She's had some surgeries. She smokes a ton and is always coughing. So here we are: Shes about to move in next door. Shes "excited for the first time in a long time" and I kind of am,but mostly? I'm worried. I have four kids, that she basically never helps with. She doesn't have to, they're my kids. I would appreciate her help but I'm afraid of her being too close to the kids.I don't want her in my business, I don't want my tween running over there everytime something is going on... like today our neighbors dog killed the cat, and if my mom lives there she would have seen the commotion.. I just don't want her having such a window into my life. I like to control what information she has. Everything she says drives me ducking nuts. She's always bragging about me like she shares in my accomplishments, and maybe she kinda does but I worked in college, she didn't help pay. I lived at home and paid my bills and bought my own food! When I did tell her about the cat her response bothered me. I regretted calling. I ALWAYS REGRET SHARING THINGS WITH HER. She tells all my secrets and portrays me in the same trashy podunk light she lives under. I don't really want to play best friends with her. Oh, I'm her "best friend" she's always so happy and proud to say I'm her "best friend" I'm not her best friend. I can barely stand her and while I did decide in the last year I was sick of being everyone's emotional trash can and I was at least going to share my grief too, so I do occasionally talk to her about my problems, I find everything she has to say so trite and so basic and so utterly uninformed and unhelpful. I need to spank the kids is always her answer (I was never spanked lol) She can't ever just be better, read a book, or do something healthy. She wants to eat drive through food and drink loads of bud light. Shes going to have all these health problems and I'm her "only one in the world" I do have a dad of course, who she trashed to me (from his work ethic, to my step brothers, to their sex life-apprently he's too horny!?! Wtf) so much in my teens I only recently have been able to even talk to.. he's also standoffish and thinks (slow southern drawl) "men are just quiet ain't no need to talk about everthing" Now she's telling me how she's going to be a brand new woman as my neighbor. Shes so happy! I want to be happy for her Shit I want her to babysit! I want family dinners. I want to like love each other. But I loathe her "good morning I love you!" Text every day She just doesn't get me. She does try to respect boundaries, but it's because I'm "over sensitive" and too emotional. . . I just don't know where to set boundaries.i don't want to be so judgemental because I'm so afraid I will not be any better as a parent 😭 I don't know what's worth talking about. I don't know how to appreciate the good mom I have who also has tons of irritating faults. She really would do anything for me if I asked. But I won't ask because I resent her! Or perhaps because she's already soooo burdened and she can't handle it. How do you move past your shit with your parents? Also she's like "you can't ever move now!" And like.. we definitely know we want to move eventually. Plus I don't want to take care of her problems. Like I get helping your old parents but goddamnit I had kids young because the church cult I joined myself to was very pro baby. It's the only thing we should do with our lives blah blah blah. I love being a mom and wife. I got married at 19. Kids at 21, so when I'm like 45.. I have no interest in taking care of my old parents who lived it up. I want to go to medical school or something dramatic in my later years. We always wanted to move abroad with our teens (me a nurse, hubs a teacher). IDK I'm just so irritated with her for her crappy parts and not sure how to still love her, which I want to, because my gosh I will be so sad when she's gone. I was always so afraid as a little kid of her dying. Nightmare after nightmare 😭I want to love her well but also be able to manage my own mental health and family. How do we do that?!?! Ps she just was given half a million dollars by my other grand parents to build a house. I live in a squatty (but lovely, my dad fixed it up nice for us, with ex sister in law, weird weird weird)two bedroom next door which I bought, (for a good price but bad foundation, had to replace roof, had to replace half the subfloors and some.joists from water damage) instead of another home because it was a childhood home for my dad, long in the family, and she was going to lose it in the bankruptcy. So I bought the house to save the house for the family. I have land. I do love my 2 bed 800 sf house.. but seeing her getting money and being "cracker rich" as she calls it, again, is.. ugh. They were also given the house I live in, for free. I bought it They were given it for free. I feel like I'm also viewed as this weak emotional spoiled girl by them all (parents, sil, brothers) too, which feels very unfitting(brothers have received gobs of bail money, surcharge money, probation fees, new cars when they totaled theirs) and like yes my grandpa once insisted on buying me a Buick for 5k which broke down constantly, needed the engine replaced, and I tried to tell him I didn't want (could afford a new car but it felt irresponsible to buy one when someone is trying to gift you a car... His name was on the note too so I couldn't even trade it in... Strings) and yes he once gave me 10k unsolicited 🤍 gave my mom 30k and it sure disappeared. Mine did too tbh. Bought a patio to enclose to make more space. But I put myself through school, I worked the whole time, although at 14 it was housekeeping for my folks, I worked on a hotel in college, and as a nurse until I had my first baby. Sure I stay home but I can't afford daycare?! And I want to love the babies and created a better family. IDK. What the hell do I do from here? How do we make the family.. work?!?! What do I change? What do I accept that I can't change? Can I run away 😭

I am the older sister, but i take care of my little brother E and our disabled mother. E has really been struggling with cleaning up after himself, much less helping in general around the house. I feel like we have truly used all of our options - we have hinted, directly asked, grounded, taken privileges, offered allowances, therapy, and unfortunately it has also come to bouts of arguing between E and our mom. I try to keep the middle ground that, yes, he needs to be learning to do these things, but no, shouting doesnt make him more motivated to help. I have health issues myself, but they are mostly managed. I work two jobs, six days a week and barely have time to keep my body clean, much less the whole house. E leaves milk on the counter still (spilled or just doesnt put it back in fridge), has a hamper but leaves his dirty clothes in the floor in the shared bathroom and his room, the list truly goes on. Our mother is disabled and is his primary guardian, but I am the one who takes both of them to doctor's appointments, picks him up from school when he is sick, takes him to events, etc. It takes him a minimum of a week of being asked to do something to actually start it, and then it still only gets halfway done (ex. clean his room = his room is slob-y and will accumulate 30-50 soda cans, clothes that have been worn too many times because he wont do a load of laundry, that teen boy smell that seems to stick to the walls, and when he gets up to clean it he will get about half of the cans/clothes/trash/dishes into piles and then never finishes). I also feel torn between the big sister and the mom role. I dont want to step on toes by acting maternally but there are frankly things our mother is no longer capable of keeping up with, but I also dont want my little brother to think its okay to exist like this. One last thing I think is important to mention is that we have shared custody with our dad. E goes to his house every other weekend and doesnt like to be there for irrelevant reasons, however, when E is at dads house, and he is asked to do the dishes or clean up after himself, there is no issue made of it. It gets done before frustrations rise, or threats of grounding have to be issued, or yelling happens. I just want to know what I can do. I hate the arguing that happens here because he contributes to mess (like all of us) but doesn't contribute to chores, and I hate the fact that I am playing (at the bare minimum) a role model in his life and I can't seem to get him on the right track. Ive tutored him, I have taught him things and had conversations with him that generally are reserved for parent-child because I have taken on part of this role for him. I am just at my wits end and need help.

rap iniciando uma conversa
rap: bem dante esse e o sentido de tudo
dante: que?
rap: serio que você dormiu quando eu expliquei o sentido da existência do quardologorio alserses
dante abre os olhos e ver um lugar vazio branco com uma única ilha voando
autor: nem eu entendo ele
dante: quem e você?
autor: ninguém? ou o seu criador ? deus:? japones com uma pau de 25 cms?
rap: essa e minha casa dante , o vazio fora da criação, você desmaiou e eu trouxe a sua consciência ate aqui
dante: mais tipo o quão forte e você? para viver fora da criação
ao fundo desse mar branco varias figuras negras saem do nada
rap: os curiosos chegaram?
rap: autor tu tem que para de narra as coisas enquanto to aqui
rap cria uma pequena bolha negra
rap: aqui isso e um universo
as figuras para e ficam encarando
um estanho liquido preto começar a escorre dos olhos do dante
dante: porque me sinto tão merda?
rap: de ca den cia
rap: autor faz eu cria uma dimensão de escuridão?
autor: e porque você ta me pedindo isso tipo tu não e mais forte que eu?
rap: é esqueci
rap: dante hoje você vai entender a historia minha, mesmo que não tenha me pedido
rap cria uma estanha porta negra num vazio branco
dante e jogado pelo rep na porta
dante cai dentro de um universo
rap: esse e o local onde eu nasci, pre universo -5999
rap: meu real nome e luis na verdade eu abandonei esse nome a muito tempo,????
rap: eu vivia com meus pais em uma terra chamada carpiam um reino humano no sul desse mundo
um dia o meu reino foi invadido pela raça dos bestiais, bem os meus pais foram mortos por eles
aos 5 anos eu ja era escravo da casa das raposas audinas, foi la que eu conheci o meu verdadeiro amor, ela era filha do líder da casa tínhamos a mesma idade mais um dia ela foi casada a forca para um nobre humano para acabar com a guerra , eu tinha 8 anos, foi nessa idade eu fui vendido de novo para a casa de aposta de caquinia onde eu despertei a minha única habilidade,
dante: que habilidade?
rap: o unico poder que eu tinha
rap: falta de limites naturais o meu poder foi despertado para ser hiper adaptação com o espirito de um combatente
rap: eu tive que lutar contra vários oponentes para sobreviver nessa arena
nota do autor: quando rap ta falando ta ocorrendo as cenas que ele estar citando tipo rap e dante são apenas vozes
rap: bem ate que um dia um noticia seria venho ate mim, de outro escravo de guerra disse que o tratado do casamento humano e bestial foi desfeito
a filha do líder da família audinas foi morta pelo seu marido, uma guerra se inicio
eu fui livre? mais a que custo?, nesse dia luis morreu e rap nasceu sabre o que rap significa ?
dante: não?
rap: na minha terra rap significa alegre feliz, mais ao norte no pais de gales rap significa raposa
por isso a minha preferencias por raposas como animais de estimação
dante: mais como assim você foi livre
rap: um monstro chamado de ceifadora destruiu o lugar e eu consegui escapar
dante: ata
dante tosse um liquido negro da sua boca
rap: sabre o quão forte essa minha habilidade pode ser?
dante: você apanha mais depois você fica mais forte?
rap: acertou miseravel
rap: eu derrotei o antigo deus criador do meu universo
rap: depois de o derrotar eu assumir esse lugar de deus, mais era tedioso então decidir comprar briga com os outros deuses criadores de outros universo ganhando ganhando fui ate assumir o cargo de ser caotico
dante: o que seria ser caotico
rap: um ser que superou os sentidos da logica vazou e ser tornou um deus dos deus que e cultuados por deus, um ser que busca formas de entretenimento
rap bate as mãos e dante e levado para o nulo
rap: o nosso acordo foi que você iria me entreter em troca de poderes to certo
autor: mais o menos
dante: mais o que eu vou ganha com isso?
rap: tu se esqueceu?
dante: esqueci do que
dante começa a vomitar um liquido negro
dante: que merda e isso
rap: agora você sofre de decadência você não vai morre mais tipo, você vai ter uma falta de sentido
rap: autor acorde ele e apague a memoria dele
autor bate em um tambor e dante acorda na sua cama de hospital
QUE MERDA E ISSO?
dante acordou em um sala do casino se recuperando na sala medica
dante: onde eu to?
bruna: finamente você acordou [abraçando dante]
matheus: cara você ficou desacordado por varias horas
dante coloca a sua mão esquerda e se lembra do rap
matheus: você tem varia coisa para fazer agora
dante: como assim?
dante se levanta da cama da sala medica e olha em cima da mesa ao seu lado
dante: que merda e isso?
bruna: lost que fala com você, irei chamar ele agora
lost chutou a porta da sala, parece feliz
dante: o que você quer comigo?
lost: não posso ver que meu aluno agora já virou um capitão de time?
dante: mais o que isso tem haver
matheus: cara você ganhou a luta contra o kaio so que o juiz não prestou atenção na hora e falou que o kaio ganhou mais na verdade você ganhou
dante: ta mais porque eu virei capitão de time?
lost: tadinho parece que lutou contra o capeta e desmaiou no chão e foi roubado e abusado por um mendigo
lost: pera foi isso que aconteceu
dante se levanta com choque por ele ter ouvido isso
dante: que merda aconteceu?!
bruna: vamos comer primeiro, você ficou desacordado por um dia inteiro
dante em pensamentos: cadê o rap?
fora da existência
autor: tão te chamando rap
rap: vou deixar ele em paz por uns momentos
autor: quer que eu crie uma mesa com um tipo de bebida forte?
rap: quero
autor [eu ] criou uma mesa com uma bebida que vários deus se matariam para beber um gole
voltando para a existência
dante: e foi isso que aconteceu
lost: dante sua historia e muito confusa mais vamos dizer que você ficou meio louco por conta do remédio que foi injetado em você
dante: pode dizer que foi isso
lost: certo então, alias dante tu vai pegar o seu Relógio? afinal você já e um capitão
dante: ainda não entendi isso ainda
lost: como se a gente estivesse em um jogo e seu ranking vem dos pontos dos jogos anteriores
voce ta no rank 4
autor: para ficar mais facil de ser entender o lost e rank 5 general dante ta no rank 4 capitão bruna e lisa tão no rank 3 cabo e o matheus ta rank 2 combatente
voltando
lost levou os 4 para a frente de um maquina bizarra
lost: dente você deve coloca o seu braço direito nessa maquina para receber o seu relógio
dante: ta
no momento que o dante colocou o seu braço dentro da maquina ele sentiu que o seu braço foi fisgada e depois sentiu que seu braço foi perfurado por algo
lost: dói muito ter isso conectado no seu braço
apos meio minuto de dor o braço do dante e solto da maquina, e um relógio celular novo e colocado
lost: falta saber qual vai ser o seu titulo
um estanho cabo sai de traz da maquina e se conecta ao relógio
relógio: carregando dados , baixando
relógio: dado do usuário, nome dante, titulo raposa louca, pontos atuais 600, rank capitão
apos os outros 3 fazerem isso
bruna: golem de ossos
lisa: filha do dragao
matheus: santo
lost: o meu e ilusionista
lost: mais voltando para o assunto, o que seria o rap?
dante: como assim?
lost: tipo a aparência dele
dante: ele veste uma capa negra e usa uma mascara que parece que foi desenhada por uma criança
lost: poder ser só imaginação sua dante, porque se fosse um espirito ou um deus ele teria uma aparência meio divino mais como você disse ele ta mais para delírio
bruna: um ancião da minha aldeia disse uma vez , os seres que andam com a capa das sombras sempre o assistirão mesmo do nada, na noite mais estrelada ou na manha mais escura eles sempre o observaram
yuki gritando no fundo: como assim que o issac ainda ta em coma
segurança: porque exatamente você venho grita aqui? tipo aqui e um refeitório
yuki: eu vim pegar uma bolacha de mel pro issac
segurança: ta e porque tu ta gritando
yuki: porque aquela coisa enorme pegou a ultima [referindo a bruna]
dante percebendo que vai da B O: oufuck
BRUNA X YUKI
segurança: faz o seguinte dona tu e essa coisa enorme vão disputa um x1 valendo alguma coisa
lost ouvindo isso: jimmy aposto 15zao nessa louca
segurança jimmy: já que você decidiu apostar eu dou 1500 reais nessa louca
bruna se sentiu subestimada
rap na cabeça do dante: aposta na bruna,
dante : porque você voltou só agora
matheus: porque o dante ta falando sozinho
rap na cabeça do dante: faz o seguinte confia no que eu disse
dante: ok, aposto 40 na bruna
lost vendo que o x1 ja ta marcado bate a sua mão na mesa
yuki e bruna são induzidas a sala de treino
lost: vou fala as regras daqui dessa arena , armas de fora são banidas e só , e não pode matar ponto essas sao as regras
rap se manifesta na frete do dante [ so o dante pode ver ele]
rap: vai ser das brabas
dante se assusta
issac acordou do coma mais de um jeito meio estanho
issac na sala medica: porque me sinto tão mal [issac nível de decadência 1,5 ]
issac se arrasta ate a sala de treino
dante: quem e você?
issac gritando: pode x2?
lost vendo que algo a mais vai ocorre
lost: claro, dante vai ser você e a bruna vs esses dois
rap: porque eu sinto que isso vai ser estanho?
rap se move deixando um liquido negro no chão
rap: não too cagado
issac nível de decadência 1,6
dante nível de decadência 0,5
lost: agora vocês 4 vão luta por nada, enquanto nos vamos aposta, ja
issac e dante mal pisaram na arena e já vão lutar
yuki: {orquídea gelida }
issac: {esapada lunar} [ nota e esapada ta errada de proposito ]
yuki criou uma suriken de gelo só que cada parte da suriken que são 4 e elas podem ser unir e vira uma lamina só
issac criou uma espada deformada com 6 pontas
bruna: {armadura ósseas}
lisa: essa armadura e pesada ela provavelmente pesou numa estratégia
dante em pensamentos: será que vou poder usar aquela forma de novo?
rap: pode usar mais tipo não te aconselho
dante: {forma abissal}
diferente daquela vez que ele usou essa forma, algo de diferente ocorreu
primeiro o dante ficou com uma insanidade leve , ele ganhou 65 caudas com olhos sua mão esquerda foi imbuída de um forte poder telecineco , so que o novo e que ele ganhou uma mascara macabra e infantil com um liquido negro escorrendo dos seus olhos
dante nível de decadência 2,5
issac: usando essa magia, você e um black bird?
dante gritando: O QUE E A POORRA DE UM BLACK BIRD?!/
issac: então ele foi infectado ,será que tenho que usar isso?
issac: terei que usar isso {decadência própria}
issac nível de decadência 2,6
issac e dante viraram semi black birds
yuki: que merda essa ?
bruna: sabia que esse era o seu verdadeiro potencial
dante: garra de abismo
nada mudou só o fato do dante de acertado um soco na yuki que fez ela voa
yuki: porque ele ta que nem o issac naquele dia? [evento ja ocorreu]
issac: merda merda x3 {obelismo}
um par de asas negras saíram do issac só que uma esfera negra saiu das costa do issac
sendo jogada no dante fazendo ele ser jogado a vários metros
yuki vs bruna
yuki: primeiro quero que vocês dois saiam daqui e uma luta entre eu e essa coisa
dante e issac voltaram ao seu normal
dante: ok
issac: terei que concorda com ele
bruna: para de me chama de coisa meu nome e bruna prora
issac e dante saíram da arena
issac: você e um black bird?
dante: não sou, mais a sua voz parece família
issac: a sua também e familiar
issac: você não e aquele outro cara que aquele ser demoníaco levou ?
dante: o rap?
issac: rap? porque um demônio teria um nome tão estanho?
issac: mais por você ser um raro semi black bird eu vou te dar isso
issac entrega um cartão prateado com a numeração 95842454 cartão de serviço gratuito
dante: obrigado
voltando para a luta
yuki: certo bruna irei ter que usar aquilo {armadura divina}
bruna não precisou fazer nada por que não foi atacada
yuki cria sua armadura de gelo só que a arma da vez foi um machado
yuki corre ate a bruna que não ser moveu nem um centímetro
bruna se move para uma forma mais defensiva
bruna foi acertada e jogada ate a parede [mais não desmaiou ]
bruna quebrou alguns ossos
bruna: terei que usar isso {sards ossos}
bruna arrancou varias estacas de ossos e tacou com uma precisão nas pernas da yuki
yuki: ai sua
bruna pula ate na yuki desferindo um soco com tudo no peito da yuki
yuki tem sua armadura quebrada
yuki: você vai sentir o frio {Domínio gélido}
em uma área em volta da arena, tudo dentro dessa área e congelado
bruna foi congelada
yuki aproveitou para desferi vários socos na bruna quebrando seus ossos
autor: 5 4 3 2 1 {desperta da bruna iniciado}
bruna se levantou dessa vez. bruna decidiu para de só apanha , desde a infância ela nunca consegui derrota os outros membros da sua família, mais isso não era o fato dela ser fraca mais o fato em que ela ainda nem começou a andar
rap: viu dante, confia na tua mina
issac: que e isso
dante: não sei o poder dela e só controlar e cria os próprios ossos , mais não um poder de fogo
lost: ela e da tribo óssea das terra altas, lá e extraído o minério fênix, e a pedra do dragão
dante: o que ta ocorrendo com a bruna
lost: a tribo deles chama isso de desperta e algo incomum alguém da idade da bruna desperta normalmente e com a idade de 9 a 12 anos que se desperta esse poder secundário
dante: isso significa?lost: que ela ta com o desperta da fenix
requisitos para bruna atingir esse estado
ser derrotada ou fica inconsciente ,concluído
não querer perde, concluído
ter menos da metade do hp 466/1534, concluído
iniciando o desperta
desperta concluído
bruna forma da fênix
um par de asas de ossos que se incendiaram em um fogo laranja
uma mascara de ossos foi criada no rosto da bruna
o tamanho da bruna diminui de 2,80 cm para 170cm e perdendo 120 quilos ficando com 50
bruna se moveu em um piscar de olhos e começou a desferi uma sequencia de socos
bruna: ora ora ora ora ora ora ora
issac: joojoo referencias
bruna: {chamas da vida}
do corpo da bruna ate o chão o fogo se espalha para todos os cantos acabando com o domínio gélido da yuki, o fogo também queima a yuki
issac pula na frente da bruna e tira a yuki dessa luta
issac: ela perdeu
yuki: porque você ta falando isso eu ainda to bem
issac: eu vir a sua morte se continuasse
bruna cai no chão desmaiada e sem fogo
noite do casino
autor: para quem não tenha entendido a bruna amadureceu tipo que nem uma lagarta, a infância uma larva , na faze da adolescência uma pupa e da adulta uma borboleta ou mariposa , além que o issac viu a morta da yuki se a luta se estendesse mais
aposta que o dante ganhou da sua luta de esteia 1 bilhão, mais a parte das aposta dante ta com 1 bilhão e 30 mil [ lost se referiu como 15zao como 15 mil]
segurança jimmy: que luta foi essa com direito ate a transformação
horas depois
issac e yuki foram embora do casino mais deixaram uma missão por dante, encontrar o carneiro de raio
bruna e dante dormiram no mesmo quarto
dante perdeu a virgindade
rap: ui
autor: me desculpem pela demora para posta os capítulos
mais espero que gostem eu e minha equipe criativa estamos nos esforçamos muito mesmo só sendo eu
amanha talvez eu poste mais um capitulo de casino ou sexta feira
sobre esse capítulos estar meio estanho e devido que o rap estar escondendo algo na sua historia
bruna nao e virgem porque e rito de passagens da tribo dela
yuki e bruna ainda vão lutar ,talvez juntas?
sim vai vira uma comedia meia seria essa porra
sobre o issac e o dante tarem com decadência, no caso do issac vai vira um spoiler se eu conta agora, mais sobre o dante ele foi contaminado após lutar contra a luciana
agora dante e issac sao dois semi black birds
fim MR V

The questions are at the bottom for those wishing to skip the long story.
40 years ago, I cleaned my sister's bedroom when she moved out of the home we grew up in: multiple garbage bags, old pizza boxes, cat urine/feces, etcetera. Over the years she generally kept things reasonably clean. You had to walk down corridors between piles of stuff, but the corridors were clean and the piles well organized. (There was a miraculous, Janga-like 6-foot tall tower of jigsaw puzzle boxes.).
In the last few years, she took a turn for the worse. We lost our brother in 2018, and then my mother at the beginning of the pandemic in 2020. These were the two relatives that lived closest to her and provided the most support. No one else is in driving distance, so she went 2+ years withOUT a family visitor. Due to COVID, she stopped going out and seeing other people, became very isolated, and stopped bathing regularly.
She bought her first house August 2022, a really big move! Talking with her in November 2022, I realized she hadn't moved in yet. She spent her first night in her new house the night before I arrived for a visit in February 2023. Even though she had not been staying in her house, it was very dirty and I spent the first day cleaning it. She has stayed there since then. During the two visits I've made since February, I've had to clean her current house (lots of abandoned take out food rotting, trail of scuzz on the floor).
We are currently moving her out of her apartment. She has trusted me to clean her apartment by myself, without her around, including deciding what to keep and what to discard. This really helps me make progress, as when she's around there is extended discussion about many things. She has gotten upset, tearful, angry about things i've thrown away, but I've apologized each time and she is still letting me do it. She has a lot of art and miniatures, and I'm good about preserving those, so that engenders some trust. I've asked her to make decisions about throwing things out--while she mostly wants to keep things, she has identified things to discard and even discarded stuff on her own.
On my last visit, she agreed to make a doctors appointment in July. She hasn't been to a doctor for ~5 years. She's super scared she'll be sent the hospital and never get out.
She is obese and her mobility is compromised.
She is aware that the condition of her apartment is not acceptable for having guests or even professionals come over. She wants it cleaned up before she brings in movers to move big things. On the other hand, she said she knows I think she's a hoarder, but went on to explain how she wasn't because she has a special relationship with objects/things.
Thank you if you read all that. Any feedback is welcome.
How do a find a therapist in Eastern PA who is good at working with hoarders?
How do I get her to start bathing regularly? (She used to before the pandemic.)

Got my MCAT back today. Crappy Score to say the least. Kind of lost on where to go from here. Going to give a lot of context here and try to minimize "excuses" as much as I can.
Background:
Child of Ukrainian immigrants. ORM. 22 yo M.
Stats:
Undergrad: State School, but ranked T20 (13 I think?) for my degree Class of '23, B.S. in Chemical and Biological Engineering, cGPA from undergrad 3.722 cum laude.
sGPA: 3.66 cGPA factoring in my EMT classes in high school c3.62 (basically 2.87 -> 3.72 GPA highschool v college)
MCAT: 502 (127/128/124/123) (Can you tell which section brutalized me and made me lose hope for the rest of the exam lol. Worst B/B of my life, FL averages of 510)
State of Residence:
Lived in CO my whole life, just moved to Oregon this week to start work as a Drug Formulations Engineer with a focus on product development/manufacturing (half my job desc is bench work on formulation science nitty grittys other half is process development).
Ties to other states:
Generally none, very weak other ties. WA (partners family lives here, and its where we want to eventually end up, probably not a good tie). TX (Sister went to law school here, spent a couple summers visiting her down there, also very weak).
Extracurriculars:
Clinical Paid: 5000+ hours as an EMT in busy 911 (average about 7-10 transports per 12 hour shift, wide variety of calls, in a system that has expanded BLS scope so I got to attend on quite a bit and grow as an EMS provider) systems as well as suburban/college town. Started work during the pandemic and worked very consistently with heavy summers. Worked a wide variety of EMS styles, including ground to flight CCT transfers (crit care medicine). Most meaningful experience by far. Solidified my desire to be a med director for an EMS system as a doc. Big aspect of my PS. Lots of hours because I loved the work and I needed it to survive (minimal financial aid + no parental financial support + tried to minimize loans).
​
Clinical volunteering: 600+ hours. Also EMT work, this time volunteering in back country/wilderness med in a rural mountain town. So common calls included hike out calls into the middle of the woods. I'm considering splitting some of these hours into non-clinical as well (don't want to double count hours) because we provided medical support obviously as an ambulance service, but a big part of my job was community outreach. Things like assisting the local FD's in standby for their trainings, creating PSAs for the local community (Video of me on YouTube teaching pool safety! Had a massive migraine during it but it ended up being a cool video).
​
Non Clinical Volunteering: Kind of none lol. Unless I split my hours from my clinical volunteering above.
​
Non Clinical Paid: ~400 hours Thermodynamics research intern for a big government agency. Kind of prestigious internship for ChemE's. ~300 hours as a Lab Assistant at Pharma Consulting Company.
​
Research: 1000+ hours. Computational work studying HIV as well as my own project focusing on SIDS. Both projects and reason I chose lab derive from my EMT work. 1 2nd author pub in IF=8 Journal. 2 poster presentations, one at national conference and one at school conference.
​
Shadowing: Low. about 24 hours? 12 in EM and 12 in IM. But might be overlooked because of my work in EMS with a wide variety of physicians from dif specialties (OB, Crit Care, limited surgery experience from certain calls [taking patient straight to OR]).
​
Leadership: Lots of my EMT work was a field training officer. ~150 hours as a TA for an upper division engineering class (Heat and Mass transfer, physics but on steroids). Prof who I TA'd for is also my PI, also took the class with her, she's one of my letter writers. ~10 hours as a peer mentor giving talks to classes and meeting one on one with freshmen for engineering and pre-med.
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Misc: Super into red dirty country music. Country music was something I always despised but the pandemic changed my mind. Shout out Childers, Zach Bryan, and the gang. Play some guitar as a hobby. ~50 hours in an "Engineers in Medicine" Club. Helped design a cool technical cart for a Children's hospital that had interactive games and such but quit the club after freshman year. Senior Capstone project might turn into a startup. Helped design a medical device and its process for manufacturing it (Wound protector device for diabetics in the shower, memory shape polymer stuff), maybe put like 100 hours into this capstone and we are now getting ready to file a patent on the device and the manufacturing process. Considering adding this to my application somehow.
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LORS:
They are still writing. First science is my PI. Expect this one to be super strong. Second science is a prof I had for three different classes. His should be okay. Third prof is actually a doctor I ended up shadowing, he taught a narrative medicine class and is an IM doc. Should be a good letter because it was an intimate philosophy class that changed a lot about how I view medicine.
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Reflection:
Overall, in terms of GPA + extracurriculars, I have a strong/mid app. My MCAT really holds me back. I did good on CARS/CP, but BB/Psych Soc destoryed me (mostly the former, causing me to be brain dead for the latter). I am more than open to DO, infact rocky vista in CO is a top choice of mine, and would set me up for my desired career as a med director. So do I full send it to DO's, or retake and then apply MD as well? Instate for CO sucks for MD because its not only a competitive MD school, but highly out of state friendly, so theres that. Anyways, I can finally create a full "Chance Me Post" with my shitty MCAT score.

--- Table of Contents ---
Spring 4985, 18 Buromoth
The road to Hamerfoss was north out of Smilnda. By horse, the journey took only two days, one and a half if ridden hard. By foot, it generally took four days, but escorting a heavily loaded wagon would take the squires six.
On the first day out, Thom and Rerves released their excited energy through constant chatter. Talking about how happy they were to finally be on their way to real training. Occasionally Shon would join in.
On the second day, they spoke about how much easier it would be to concentrate without the girls around. Shon didn’t join much in this conversation.
On the third day, they confessed to missing Daisy and Ania. Suspecting they missed the conversation, Shon attempted to chime in more often.
The fourth and fifth days were plagued with spring rain, and the boys did little more than complain, particularly about their new leather armor chafing when wet. Shon couldn't help but grumble in affirmation. He'd hated the armor from the first day.
The sixth, and final, day saw a stop to the rain. The boys spent their walk beside the wagon carefully dodging puddles after Thom submerged his entire boot in one deeper than expected. There was very little talking between them now, all three too nervous and excited for their imminent arrival.
The road outside the city had been the only part with flat fields and open skies on either side. For the rest, they'd traveled through forest, with only the occasional clearing maintained explicitly for travelers to camp. Tall evergreens growing close together blocked the view of anything beyond the road at their feet, giving Shon and the others very little to look at as they marched.
Two sturdy horses pulled the wagon of supplies for the fortress. Barrels of food and crates of scrap metal as well as sacks of letters and the Squire's personal bags, weighed down the laden wagon, the wheels carving deep channels in the muddy road.
Shon had already sketched the wagon, the horses, the Paladin driving them, and his fellow Squires many times over. He even managed a few landscape drawings, for lack of better subjects. He had no idea how the other two managed to calm their excitement before sleep. Perhaps that was why they talked so much every night.
Walking ahead of him, Rerves readjusted the hilt of his short sword while Shon pulled at the neck of his armor for what seemed like the hundredth time each. They hadn’t been trained in the proper use of either, and Shon wondered again why the Paladins had insisted the Squires wear them. They'd been ordered to guard the wagon, but who would be stupid enough to waylay a Temple cart so close to a fortress full of knights? Of course, monsters such as the draken and drakwalves were always a threat, but what were three untrained boys supposed to do against something like that?
Shon sighed, letting his hand fall limply from the gorget. It was no use. No matter how many times he tried to shift it, it would just rub somewhere else until he grew uncomfortable enough to try again. He attempted to distract himself, letting his eyes unfocus and picturing himself going through his kata as he walked in a daze. Master Veon-Zih always said that mental practice was just as important as physical training, though in this case, Shon was just glad it gave him something to focus on besides his nerves and discomfort.
He was about to start the second kata when he nearly ran into Rerves. The taller boy had stopped walking, and Shon arched an eyebrow at him before realizing that the wagon had also stopped. There was no way they were there already…
Stepping to the side, Shon saw what had stalled them. A man in what looked like poorly kept half-plate stood in the middle of the path. A large war ax strapped to his back.
The stranger scratched at his short beard, scraggly and peppered like his hair, “Ho traveler, where you headed?” He called.
The three boys looked to the Paladin driving the wagon, watching as his eyes narrowed, “We are bound for Hamerfoss, good ser…”
“Ah, so the toll you’ll be payin' will be comin' out of them coffers then,” the stranger called, his face splitting into a grin as the boys looked back his way.
“There is no toll on this road, good ser.” their Paladin stated. As if their heads had been placed on a swivel, the Squires returned their gazes to him, but only for a moment as the stranger answered again.
“There is now.” the bandit lifted his hand, the Paladin stood, and the boys looked between the two with wide eyes, not sure what they were supposed to do. The bandit whistled, a sharp sound that sent birds flying from the trees as four hooded figures exited from the gloom to surround the wagon and its three terrified Squires.
The Paladin drew his longsword, ordering the boys, “Protect the wagon!” They turned frightened eyes on each other for only a moment before looking back at the bandits. Each now holding swords of their own.
The knight lept from the wagon and charged the leader, who'd reached for his ax. Thom and Rerves fumbled for their short swords, and Shon dropped into a low stance, his fists held at the ready and heart beating furiously.
“Shon, sword!” Rerves yelled, his voice somehow steady as the four hooded bandits stalked closer.
Shon actually felt himself blush despite the situation and pulled his sword from its scabbard like the rest. He felt off-balance, the weight of the weapon throwing off his well-rehearsed stance. He didn’t have time to adjust before the bandits charged. Two went for Rerves, leaving one each for Shon and Thom.
Shon tried to relax, to stay alert and ready to move, as he'd been taught. But his palm was sweating and he clinched the hilt tighter than intended. Focused on the bandit heading his way, the chaos around him blurred, becoming indistinct, like a drawing left in the rain. Shon held his ground and lifted the sword to one of the ready positions he'd seen the Paladins practice. His attacker was quite a bit taller than he was, and Shon lifted the sword above his head as the first swing came down hard from above.
The hilt shook in Shon's hand, and his attacker didn't hesitate to swing again, this time sweeping around and aiming for Shon's left leg. Clenching his teeth, Shon pivoted the sword down to block again but misjudged the length of his blade. The bandit's long sword passed below the point of Shon's block to strike just above the knee. He felt the impact, but could only imagine the damage, refusing to look and thanking Hengist the limb hadn't buckled. As the shock of the hit ran its course, the attacker flicked his sword up from inside Shon's failed guard, knocking the weapon from his hand.
The short sword flew free, but Shon had already begun his counter, aiming with his free right hand at his attacker’s extended wrist. The hit would have knocked the attacker's arm aside at the least, but with his now empty left hand, Shon struck the same arm from the outside at the elbow. In an instinctual effort to save the joint, the bandit twisted awkwardly, but predictably, bringing his head lower and closer.
Cartilage crunched beneath his knuckles and Shon's attacker reeled back, gripping his nose under his hood and cursing loudly enough for others to hear over the clang of metal and chaos.
One of Rerves' attackers disengaged from his two-on-one fight to aid his friend, who was now backing away from Shon as fast as he could. Shon hesitated a moment then dashed to his fallen sword.
Again Shon felt unbalanced with the weapon in hand. He tried to shift his weight to offset the difference but barely had enough time to bring the sword to bear as the second attacker swung his two-handed greatsword at Shon's right side.
Taking his own weapon in both hands, Shon managed to absorb some of the force of the blow, but he still wasn't strong enough to fully block the strike. His arms buckled, giving way for his opponent's longsword to hit his upper arm. This second hit hadn't fully registered in Shon's mind when the new attacker shoved his shoulder into Shon's chest, trying to push him over.
It worked. Shon fell to the ground with a splash and smack as he habitually swung his hands down to slap the ground, dropping his sword again, but breaking the energy of the fall. Just as Master Veon-Zih had taught him. Perhaps expecting Shon to be winded, the attacker didn't follow through with another attack on the prone boy; instead, turning to look at the companion Shon had punched.
Shon didn't hesitate. Still on his back, Shon twisted his hips, scissoring his legs to either side of the bandit's leg and kicking him behind the knee and inside the shin. The bigger man went down, and Shon swung his legs up, rolling onto his shoulder blades before jumping directly to a standing position. Or at least trying to. The leather armor was heavy and awkward, and he wobbled when he landed on his feet. As he attempted to regain his balance, another whistle rang out from the front of the wagon.
As one, the attackers disengaged from their respective defending Squires. The one Shon had knocked down rolled away and was helped up by his companion sporting a bloody nose. The Squires didn't pursue. Their hands shook with adrenaline, and their eyes tried to dart every way at once.
"Stand down, Squires," it was the Paladin. The knight had sheathed his sword and was moving back towards the wagon, but the boys could barely manage a glance at each other before focusing back on their attackers. Still very much on edge. It wasn't until the attackers in question also sheathed their weapons that the Squires began to slowly straighten, looking between the Paladin, the lead bandit, their attackers, and each other in quick succession.
"You all did very well," the knight said, reaching out to ensure the horses were still calm. They'd hardly moved, causing Shon to determine they must be warhorses, perhaps one was the knight's own partner.
"Not bad, not bad." the lead bandit started forward, slinging his ax back over his shoulder as he moved. Rather than being reassured by the gesture, the Squires dropped back into their fighting stance.
The Paladin snapped, "It was a test, boys. Relax and sheath your swords before you hurt yourselves." The lead 'bandit' laughed out loud at that. It was a booming sound like a bark straight from his belly as he threw his head back and planted his fists firmly on his hips.
"First time seeing battle, even a mock one, and you can't help but be on edge. It's the same every year," he said, the strange speech pattern he'd used before completely gone. He gestured, and his four underlings removed their hoods. The one with the bloody nose still had it pinched, his head tilted forward.
Mock battle… Shon's leg and arm throbbed painfully with every heartbeat, and his knuckles stung as he clenched and unclenched his fists to try and relax. But now that it was over, he realized that both hits had been with the flat of the blade.
The ringleader continued, "These fine Squires are going to be the newest Paladins of Hengist. After their vigil next month." the four attackers saluted and the younger Squires exchanged glances again before finally putting their swords away. "And I," the man slapped his chest, "am your new Weaponmaster. Master Daunas Mung. It will be my job to train you in combat at Hamerfoss."
Rerves was the first to recover. He smiled, but his voice held a hint of sarcasm, "I wish I could say it's nice to meet you, Master Daunas," he tried to laugh, "perhaps once my heart has stopped trying to beat its way out of my chest." That caused the Weaponmaster to bark his own laugh again. Thom smiled nervously at Shon, who was taking slow, measured breaths to calm his own heart.
The Paladin took a moment to examine their various bumps and bruises but only used his magic to heal the senor squire's broken nose. The much larger party continued together towards Hamerfoss, Master Daunas riding with the Paladin in the wagon while the older Squires chatted amongst each other. Thom and Rerves didn’t join in the chatter, both looking as anxious as Shon felt. He could hear the two uninjured seniors making fun of the two who had fought him and wasn’t sure if he should be embarrassed or proud. He'd hardly used his sword, -dropped it twice!- and the sword was the sacred weapon of Hengist. The symbol of the god himself.
Eventually, -finally- they left the woods and immediately saw the fortress situated in the middle of a vast field. Hamerfoss was one of the oldest structures still being utilized in Clearhelm. As such, it wasn't nearly as visually impressive as some of the newer Temples in the cities. Even so, as they approached the south gate, the three new Squires gaped at its great stone walls in awe.
The outer curtain wall was twenty stones high, -at least four of the boys stacked one on top of the other- with two layers of iron portcullises, their bars as thick as Shon's forearm. Walking through the first, the boys looked up and saw the faces of Paladins looking down at them through holes in the ceiling, built for dumping hot tar or oil on invaders trapped between the portcullises. They moved a little faster through the second.
Beyond the wall was one of two open courtyards, with training dummies, archery targets, and sparring rings separated by neat stone walkways. The smell of hay and horses wafted over the whole place from the stable against the south wall to their right, and the ringing "tink, tink" of a hammer on metal filled the cool air from the smithy built into the side of the fortress proper.
"Welcome to Hamerfoss!" Master Daunas gestured widely to all before them, and Shon fixed his eyes on the fortress itself, rising up like an indomitable mountain before him. It was about fifteen feet taller than the curtain wall, with one great tower in the center jutting up another fifteen feet above that. The roof was lined with battlements where archers could rain death on an invading army.
Turning his head, Shon could see three of the four bastions at the corners of the curtain wall and the armored figures that must be more Paladins standing guard. His left hand twitched as he longed to unpack his journal and draw every detail. The bare, dead-looking vines covering the face of the west wall, he was sure they would bloom in a few short weeks and cover the stone in green; the squat smithy coming out of his workshop to wipe the sweat from his brow in the cool air of early spring; and the slack-jawed expressions of awe on his companions' faces as they tilted their heads waaay back to try and see the top of the fortress's tower. But there would be plenty of time for that. After all, this would be his home for the next four years.
"Well. Don't just stand there gawkin'! Unload the wagon." Shon jumped in surprise and glimpsed Thom and Rerves doing the same. Master Daunas must have startled them out of their awe as well.
Shon was grateful as Rerves cleared his throat and took charge. His habit of speaking first and taking control had annoyed the girls back in Smilnda, but as Thom was used to it and Shon didn’t like giving orders, it worked out well for the boys. "Thom, you get the horses settled. Shon, you start handing me things out of the wagon." Without a word of argument, Thom nodded and went to the horses, murmuring gently as he began removing their harness and Shon climbed into the bed of the wagon to lift one crate at a time down to Rerves.
Master Daunas snorted, turning away from the new boys to give orders Shon couldn't hear to the older Squires. The young men saluted in unison, one moving to help Thom and two coming back to the wagon to help Shon and Rerves. The last jogged to the blacksmith, who waved him towards the smithy. He returned a moment later, carrying a small box and marching towards the smith, who was speaking quietly with Master Daunas.
"Shon, come on!" Rerves whispered, gesturing with both hands impatiently. Shon shook his head to clear it, handing Rerves another crate. He'd been paying a little too much attention to Daunas and the smith.
"Sorry," Shon murmured, but if Rerves heard him, he just took the box and set it with the others. It didn't take long for the four Squires to finish with the wagon. Shon hopped down with his own pack over his shoulder just as Thom came out of the stable with the senior Squire to meet them.
"Horses taken care of?" Rerves asked, and Shon blinked at him, thinking, Of course, they were; Thom wouldn't have come out otherwise…
"Yep, all settled and ready to go," Thom answered with a smile. Shon would've simply nodded. He was never one to waste words on things that didn't need to be said, and now more than ever, he found himself so focused on taking in everything around him that he could hardly think of words to say.
It seemed Master Daunas had been waiting for something to be said out loud, though, because he turned towards them at the sound, "Alright lads, this here is Nangran Flintchest. He's our resident Smith, and he'll be making all your equipment." The man was only as tall as Thom, but his shoulders and chest were broader even than Master Daunas, with hands the size of shovels and a beard that hung to the middle of his chest.
"Line up, smallest... largest…" As he spoke, Nangran pointed first to the right, then to the left of Shon, and didn't bother to see if they obeyed before turning away from them to open the box the older Squire had brought. Taking out a long measuring tape and a ratty-looking notebook, the smith tossed the young man the notebook without explanation and headed toward Thom with the measuring tape. Thom quickly positioned himself to the right of Shon with Rerves on Shon’s left.
Nangran motioned with his hand, grumbling only "Arms…" Without need for further explanation, Thom stepped forward and lifted his arms like a 't', visibly swallowing down his nerves. Shon watched closely as the smith took the smaller boy's measurements. Around his chest, his bicep, lower arm, from shoulder to elbow, elbow to wrist, neck to waist, and much more besides. Thom stood stiff, following the old man's clipped instructions with hesitant jerky movements. Shon thought it should be awkward to work around their armor, but Nangran didn't seem to notice.
"Sword?" Nangran asked, and Thom made a confused sound. But the smith waved a massive hand in his face, "Not you, boy. Daunas, what sword?"
Master Daunas had his arms crossed over his chest and was tilting his head back and forth from one side to the other, absently scratching his beard before he finally said. "Two hands." he then pointed at Shon, saying, "Bastard." Shon wrinkled his nose, but the offense was short-lived when Daunas pointed at Rerves, saying, "One hand."
Nangran sniffed, "One each..." he stepped over to Shon and motioned for him to raise his arms. Shon stiffened but obliged, keeping his eyes fixed forward as the old man ran his measuring tape all across Shon's body, fighting not to flinch each time the Smith brushed against him.
"Yep," Daunas answered. They were talking as if the boys weren't even there, and the older Squires just watched. Didn’t they have anything better to do? "And that one," Daunas continued, nodding towards Shon, "is a lefty." Nangran snorted without comment and continued measuring, while the Squire with the notebook scribbled a little something extra besides the numbers Nangran mumbled to him.
But then the smith ran his hand down Shon’s forearm, touching the skin of his wrist, and pulled away in surprise. Shon jerked his hand back but quickly returned it with a nervous swallow. The smith stared at him, his brow furrowed, "You're cold as ice boy. Nervous?"
Shon shook his head, but the smith continued to stare, so he added, "No sir. I'm always cold."
The smith hummed and went back to measuring around Shon's wrist and back up his arm, "They say cold hands make a warm heart," Nangran muttered.
Beside Shon, Rerves and Thom snickered. "Whoever says that has never met Shon," said Thom, who had relaxed noticeably once the smith had finished with him. Face forward, Shon glared sideways at him, but there was no real anger in it, and Thom snickered again.
Master Daunas let out another bark of a laugh, "I see you get along well! That's good; you'll want friends in training." Shon tried to relax, taking a deep breath through his nose and letting it out through pursed lips. He did get along with his fellow Squires. He felt his lips tilt up in an almost imperceptible smile. He would even go so far as to call them friends. Even if they did poke fun at each other. Or maybe it was because they did.
Smith Nangran moved on to Rerves, and Shon looked from the larger boy to the smaller and back again before focusing his gaze on Master Daunas. It seemed neither of them was going to ask the adults to clarify what they meant by the sword assignments, so he would have to. Feeling more at ease, he asked, "I thought we were going to be trained in all weapons…"
Daunas must've seen where Shon was going because he spoke at the pause provided, "Oh, you will, boy. But I was watching you fight back on the road. You didn't think we staged that little raid just for fun, did you?" Shon didn't answer. He had thought it was just for fun. Perhaps some kind of hazing ritual. When Shon didn't say anything, Daunas continued, "You boys haven't been trained, so your movements were on instinct, giving me an idea for what fighting style you may lean more towards." he pointed at Shon, who crossed his eyes to focus on the finger, "You, boy, are going to be a problem. You're the one old man V's been training."
Who? Shon refocused on the Weapon Master's face, arching an eyebrow in confusion. When Master Daunas didn’t respond to the look, Shon guessed, "Master Veon-Zih?"
Daunas continued, "He's got you jumping around with no mind to the armor you'll be wearing or the weapon in your hand. You'll have to work twice as hard to adjust some of those habits." Shon was taken aback, shocked, and a little afraid… He didn't want to lose what he'd already learned… but Master Daunas continued, "But with a hand-and-a-half sword, you'll be able to switch between one and two-handed maneuvers." he smiled softly, and Shon realized his emotions must have been showing on his face more than usual because the Weapon Master seemed to be comforting him. "You mark my words; you'll favor the bastard sword for sure."
Nangran finished with Rerves and began rolling up his measuring tape. He turned his back on the boys but spoke to them as he took his notebook back from the senior Squire, “Take that leather off and put it in the wagon. I’ll have better ready for you by first watch week.” The Squires exchanged looks, then began following the command, stripping off the leather armor and thick gambeson and trying in vain to straighten the sweaty wrinkled uniforms underneath.
“You four,” Daunas addressed the seniors, who moved from parade rest to attention in perfect unison, “show these three around and give them the rundown of how things work around here. You three,” he looked over his shoulder at Shon and the others, scratching his neck again, “this is your last day of freedom, enjoy it while you can.” all seven Squires saluted and Daunas sighed, giving a lazy salute in response before walking off, muttering to himself, “I need to shave…”
The older Squires approached the younger, two of them snickering after Daunas was far enough away not to hear. Shon arched an eyebrow at them and, seeing the expression, the tallest explained, “He’s normally clean-shaven. He let his beard grow out all week for the wagon raid.”
“You’ll be doing one too, in your last year.” another of the four added.
“Sorry about your arm,” the one who had fought Thom said, holding out his hand to the younger boy, “You really did do well, considering.” Thom shook the young man’s hand with a grateful smile at the compliment.
The two who had fought Shon exchanged looks with each other then looked at him, their expressions expectant. Shon arched his other eyebrow instead. Did they really expect him to apologize? They had attacked him. And he was four years younger than they were.
“So…” the one Shon had bloodied started, drawing the word out.
“Who taught you how to fight?” the second interjected.
“Master Veon-Zih.”
When Shon didn’t elaborate further, the two exchanged silent shrugs. Shon looked away from them, frustrated. They could communicate with each other fine in gestures and expressions, yet, he was expected to explain details they didn't need? Would they even know what a Monk was? Did it even matter? He was here to train as a Paladin now.
The only one who hadn’t spoken yet cleared his throat, and the other three turned his way immediately. Apparently, he was the unofficial leader of this group, just like Rerves was the unofficial leader of theirs. “We'll show you the barracks first. You should shower and change your uniforms before we walk around the rest of the fortress.”
“You have showers here too?” Rerves blurted in amazement, then snapped his mouth shut, blushing.
The two who were prone to laughing did so again, “Why wouldn’t we?”
“I bet we need it more than most of the official Temples.” the two laughed again.
Thom shuffled his feet nervously but said, “They told us things would be a lot rougher here.”
“They were probably just trying to scare you,”
“They were talking about the work,” the leader said sharply, then turned towards the fortress.
Shon and the others quickly grabbed their bags and rushed to follow. The leader continued to talk as they fell into step behind him, “Your day will start just before sunrise, at fifth bell. You will get dressed, make your bed as quickly as possible, then gather with the others in the courtyard,” he gestured with one hand at a wide-open spot on the training grounds, “From there we run. Around the fortress ten times in formation. After that are drills and then breakfast. After breakfast, we have prayer, followed by lectures, then heavy weapons and armor training, then lunch.” they made their way into the fortress and up a long flight of stairs to the third floor, “After lunch, there's more classwork, then light weapons and combat training. You’re then given an hour of free time to shower and rest before dinner. After dinner, there is mandated study or prayer time, then another hour of free time before lights out at ninth bell. Once every season, we take four weeks to stand watch, one week for each shift.”
He took them down a long hall lined with doors on one side. Shon tried to listen and count the doors at the same time and was glad he did when the leader stopped beside the ninth, “These three rooms are yours. Go ahead and get a new uniform and meet us back out here.”
One of the nicer boys stepped forward to open the first door, “This one is Rerves, followed by Shon and Thom.” Shon entered to find a small room barely six feet square. Directly across from the door was a bed that took up the entire wall and a small high-set window that looked out over the training field. Beside it was a small desk with a single wooden chair. Under the bed, Shon found a long shallow box full of neatly folded uniforms. His name was embroidered in the lining of each piece, and on top was a pinned note with instructions detailing the laundry procedure. Shon only skimmed it, it was the same as the fortress in Smilnda, and most likely the same the Provence over, perhaps even the kingdom.
He left his pack by the desk and returned to the hall with one of his uniforms to find it empty. Glancing down either side of the hall, he shrugged at Thom’s questioning look when he was joined by his two fellows. They waited at least ten minutes before the seniors returned, without their armor and holding their own spare uniforms. They looked nearly as disheveled as the juniors. The leader gestured for them to follow again and said, “Once you get your armor, you will keep it in your room. It's your responsibility to keep it oiled or polished as appropriate.” well, they would be good at that at least… Had they been left to wait while the seniors cared for their armor? Shon didn’t bother to ask, following the four deeper into the fortress.
They were taken to the showers, a single large room with spigots set into the walls and drains in the floor. The seniors started to strip down, placing their dirty uniforms in a basket by the door and setting their clean sets on the benches set along the same wall. Thom, Rerves, and Shon all exchanged looks before following their lead.
There were only ten showerheads, and Rerves finally asked, “How many Squires are there here?”
The seniors each moved to their own showerhead, and the room was quickly filled with hot steam, “Twentyone, including us, but we will be gone in a month, so that will leave seventeen.” one of them answered, stepping under the hot water with a grateful sigh, rinsing the sweat and dirt from the road off his surprisingly well-muscled body. Shon counted the shower spigots again as he moved towards his own. Almost twenty Squires and only ten showers at a time… it sounded like a nightmare. But at least they had hot running water.
Though he had above-average cold tolerance and preferred the winter chill far more than the summer sweat, Shon always enjoyed a truly hot shower. Master Veon-Zih liked to argue that baths were far superior, but in Shon's experience, baths always cooled off too quickly, which was why most ordinary citizens of Clearhelm used the public steam baths.
After they were washed and dressed, the real tour began. They were shown the hall with the officer's rooms, the infirmary, the mess hall, the library, and the classroom. “There’s only one?” Thom asked, peeking into the room with a blackboard across the far wall and long tables situated in front.
“Tomorrow is the last real day before the watch weeks start. You'll spend those four weeks catching up on foundational stuff. Kingdom-wide law, and your assigned sword dills, that sort of thing. After that, the lessons are given in a four-year rotation, so your first classes after the watch weeks will be new to both you and everyone else." the leader explained.
The nicest one elaborated, “You’ll have the same schedule we did, so comparative law, followed by history, then theology, then comparative cultural studies.” Shon wasn’t sure what he looked forward to least on that list. Though all would be better than fighting for a shower…
"There's also etiquette, monster studies, combat tactics and command, and war history and theory." his friend added, and Shon was relieved that at least most of those seemed more interesting.
Next, they were shown some of the less-used rooms. The war room, full of charts and maps and only used for large-scale tactics training, and an indoor sparring room that looked like it was never used.
“This is supposed to be for heavy weather.” one of the laughers said with a snicker.
“But Master Daunus says your enemies won’t let you move a fight inside, so why practice there,” added the other. Shon happened to agree, but also wasn’t looking forward to training in the rain after having walked in it for two days.
Lastly, they were shown the chapel, not as fine as the one in Smilnda but with the same sweet incense and warm comfort. The atmosphere seeped into Shon’s bones as they approached the head altar for a brief prayer and a blessing from the resident Cleric. He was a young man with pale brown hair and green eyes. He smiled warmly down at the new boys, saying, “Welcome to Hamerfoss, Squires of Hengist.” which in turn made each of them glow with enough pride to banish the nerves of their first day and daunting future.
***
--- Part 2/2 ---
--- Table of Contents ---
All comments and criticism is welcome.

I'm not talking about eugenics or compulsorily castrating people. I'm talking about common sense.
I am married. I have a sister-in-law with ADHD/borderline/hypochondria. And three children. She constantly experiences serious health problems. She has already been hospitalized for psychotic episodes, she has already been hospitalized for taking inappropriate medication due to hypochondriasis (it wasn't a suicide attempt, it was just an exaggerated dosage of medication). TDH means that she doesn't take good care of herself and the house in general, so she lives with her three children in what I can only describe as the most chaotic house I've ever seen in my life.
Her neglect of her children is absurd. One of them has severe speech delay and they think it's due to lack of interaction at home. Another is non-verbal autistic. Another is ADHD with hyperactivity and demands attention 24/7. Due to her lack of care and the way she raises them, the three (4, 6 and 7 years old) are extremely difficult. They don't have any hygiene, they don't have ANY self-regulation. They are good in the sense that they are not exactly bad children and they are not to blame for the environment in which they live, but they do not have the slightest education or manners. They eat like animals, getting everything dirty, using their hands and with their mouths open. They don't know how to shower or maintain their own hygiene by themselves and they stink a lot all the time. And I have other kids in my family and in my wife's family, I know sometimes kids stink. They just always to, and terribly. They fight all the time, they scream.
Due to my sister-in-law's hospitalizations, and the fact that her husband is extremely poor and a street vendor, the children have stayed with my wife and me quite often. At least once a month their mother is hospitalized and they need to spend some time here at home, sometimes two days, sometimes a week. It's chaos. The most complete chaos. There's no other way to define it.
This text may seem calm, but I am now shaking with anger and impatience. She was admitted again, the three of them have been here for three days again. I locked myself in one of the rooms, she said I'm working and trying not to freak out. I'm at the point of forbidding my wife to be the sister who always rescues the nephews because she feels sorry for the rest of the family. Her other siblings just say no, my mother-in-law says she doesn't want to raise a "child of a crazy person". When my wife didn't rescue them, the three of them were home alone for long periods of time. It's such a tense and draining situation that, honestly, I even think about filing for divorce because I can't stand this routine.
And, in case you ask, yes, we have already tried to look at the issue of child custody due to the situation in which they live. We were unable to reverse anything, even knowing people who work in the government's social assistance area.
Also, before you ask, I love children. I have other nephews, I call them to sleep here, I take them out, I take care of them when there is a problem. I even feel guilty about what I'm going to say here because I KNOW it's not their fault, but I hate living with these three nephews of this troubled sister-in-law. I hate. It is the purest hell.

Welcome to Green Valley

Four Merry Jaunts Through the Bumpkin Quest Campaign

CHAPTER 1: Green Tide Spring Cleaning time! This includes a parade, a festival, and a temple ceremony. These events are haunted by and angry goose hating enchanted broom.
CHAPTER 2: A Cartload of Chickens Folks need to eat. And round here they like to eat massive angry chickens. Somebody's gotta deliver them, and that somebody is your players!
CHAPTER 3: Marvin the Magnificent Simple problems require convoluted solutions. Help Marvin enchant a plow that can pass through stones. What could go wrong?
CHAPTER 4: High Society After earning some respect the players get invited to a high falutin social dilly do. But not as guests. As the help. And this party is gonna need it! The entertainment is about to become a mesmerizing problem.
ADVENTURE MECHANICS - Target Character Level: Commoners or Level 1 - Target Party Size: Four Players - Average Adventure Playtime: 2ish Hours - Tone: Rural Mayhem and Foolishness
Grab the Free PDF Here. https://www.patreon.com/posts/adventure-to-83830560
I’ve also put these adventures into our *Bumpkin Quest: Campaign Guide https://www.patreon.com/posts/guide-bumpkin-to-80202231 The guide fills in the details of Green Valley pretty thoroughly. The quests are simple enough to be run in any setting you choose, but if you're interested in more the Guide has about two dozen Custom Maps, 70+ NPCs, Location Descriptions, 20+ Local Legends, and Scores of Adventure and Event Ideas. You can grab the PDF Free at the link above.

Hills Furrow

At the center of the Valley sits a patch of small grassy hills, through which the Slow Water meanders through. Built into these hills is the Village of Hills Furrow. Celebrated by everyone living in The Valley and boasting a whopping population of almost 150, Hills Furrow is the center of commerce and social importance. Well, at least as far as the locals are concerned. Realistically it would be less than a blip on the grand scale of things, a mere kernel of wheat in the silo of civilization, but to those who live here, there is nothing quite like living in the “city”.
The Village itself, like the Valley, is predominantly Halfling, and their fancy dwellings are burrowed into the hillsides as often as possible. These dwellings have been family owned for generations only becomeing available if there are no heirs to pass them along to. Other folk live in well kept two story shingled buildings, most of which house a business on the lower floor and house the Shopkeepers and their families above their workplaces, though a few live in nearby homes. There aren’t many “rental” spaces in town, as property is usually bought up quickly by the Halfling Families, but there are long term options at either of the Inns in town.
Hills Furrow: Locations 1) The Crocked Crow (Inn and Tavern) 2) The Dancing Lamb (Inn and Tavern) 3) The Moaning Toad (Tavern) 4) Granny's Groceries (General Market) 5) Get Nailed (Hardware and Distilery) 6) Gimdurh's Hammer (Smithy) 7) Brenra's Mechanicals (Tinker) 8) Hjoldren's Home Goods (Carpenter) 9) Standard Industries (Office) 10) Fit to be Dyed (Tailor) 11) The Last Loaf (Baker) 12) The Cloudy Cleaver (Butcher) 13) Nature's Medecine (Apothecary) 14) Sheriff's Office 15) Green Valley School House 16) The Waterwheel 17) The Windmill 18) The Undercloak Estate 19) Truefoot Burrow 20) The Meadows Family Hill
The locals are hospitable and friendly enough, but they do not really trust outsiders. Folks from foreign places are good for trade, news, and little else. Those that come through are treated well enough as long as they don’t wear out their welcome. Locals, well, that’s a bit of a different story. The city and area doesn’t operate under a written caste system or social structure, but there is clearly a pecking order, and family heritage matters a great deal to folks in Hills Furrow. Most locals, whether they’ve gotten an education or not, can easily be classified as simple. It isn’t that they are slow of mind or unintelligent, but more that they are unconcerned with matters the outside world considers important. This sentiment has created a general, but friendly, dislike between those that consider themselves Highfalutin and those that clearly are not.
Well now that I've given you the fifty cent tour. Shall we get on to adventure?

CHAPTER 1: Green Tide

We will open our journeys in the Green Valley at Green Tide, the annual celebration of Winter’s End. This adventure is designed to give a tour of Hills Furrow and introduce them to the locals. It will begin with some chores around their house to prepare for the festival and end with a battle involving an enchanted broom. If you did not do Session Zero, this chapter may take a bit longer as we get to know everyone and their characters.

ACT 1: Pre-Festival

The locals spend the week cleaning out their houses and farms. They gather old junk and unused items to be used later in the festival. They also begin preparing what food is left from winter to be used in a celebration and feasts.
Things to do! - Have the Players clean up junk around the house - Have them Find something strange (Perhaps used for a later mystery?) - Have them Decorate their Broom - Have them run a Household Errand (Meet an NPC)

ACT 2: Sweeping Day

A merry festival celebrating Spring cleaning and putting the past behind them. They form a parade, with one member from each house carrying a brightly decorated broom and using it to symbolically “Sweep Away Winter”. The rest of the family marches their winter’s trash and unused goods down to the Fairgrounds. The goods are often traded, while the trash is piled in the fire pit to await burning later. The entire day is filled with fun outdoor activities. Households also symbolically bring their problems to the bonfires to burn them later.
Things to do! - March in the Parade - Carry Junk to the Bonfire - Meet more of the Locals
EVENT: I Love a Parade
The parade will march North from near the Cross Roads in the South up around the hill and back again to the South where it will head for the Fairgrounds. There isn’t anything particularly challenging about this event, but it would be a wonderful place to start leaning into or building local rivalries.
EVENT: Never Seen a Broom Do That… As they come into the home stretch of the Parade one of the local’s Brooms will animate and take off. It will chase folks around the parade. The players can attempt to stop it, but the broom will flee soon after being attacked. It will fly up into the air, attack a flock of geese, and chase them off until it can’t be seen anymore. They can go and collect a fallen goose if they wish. I highly recommend giving it a motorcycle type sound as it flies around hitting folks. Maybe even going as far as giving it a rough gravel angry voice and letting it insult people.

ACT 3: Winter’s End

Winter’s End is a Combination of Groundhog’s Day and Fasnacht, this day gets a little wild. The Festival kicks off at dawn with the Great Gopher Hunt. Gophers are well known spies for The Voice of Winter and thus need to be hunted before they can tell The Voice to delay Spring. Gophers themselves are quite tasty, and are notoriously bad for crops, so this works out economically all around. Throughout the rest of the day families continue to contribute to the Bonfire Pile which often gets quite large. At dusk a large effigy of The Voice of Winter is placed on top of the pile. Once the sun has fully set they light the fire and burn the Effigy. Folk usually dress darkly during the day and brightly at night. After the burning they feast on sweets and treats that were made from goods saved up from winter storage.
Things to do! - The Great Gopher Hunt - Carry Junk to the Bonfire - Meet more of the Locals - The Fairground’s Activities
EVENT: The Great Gopher Hunt The Hunt begins at dawn and takes place all over the Valley. Locals race to collect as many Gophers as possible. It is easiest to kill the Gopher, but there are some that find that distasteful. Instead they live trap the critters. It is a bit tougher to do so, but an option should your players wish. This is most easily played out as a series of appropriate Skill Checks, in which the higher they score the more gophers they obtain.
EVENT: Trash Removal They may find some locals willing to pay them to help cart junk down to the bonfire pile. Not a lot of skill involved in this, but it is a great opportunity to meet locals, and you could throw a runaway cart at them.
Fair Activities They will probably want to take part in Fairground Activities. Players love these types of challenges. Here are a few ideas you can build on. - Axe Throwin: Basic attack rolls on a Round Target. Higher scores equal Higher points. - Bow Shootin: Basic attack rolls on Moving Targets. Higher scores equal Higher points. - Pig Chasin: Catch the greased Pig! Medium DC Challenge requiring three success before three Failures. - Mud Wrastlin: Nothing says bumpkin like a good Mud Wrastlin Pit. Contested Skill Challenges. - Sausage Eating Contest: Increasingly difficult DC Challenge. Eat till you puke! Can also be Pies or Ribs or Little Fish… you know whatever someone wants to stuff dozens of in their gullet. - Tug O’War: Team Strength Challenge. Three to Five Contested Rolls with opposing teams. - Gopher BBQ Cook Off: A Hard Culinary Challenge to see who can BBQ the best Gopher! - Races: Foot and Mount Races based on Three to Five Contested Rolls. I usually include a few odd mounts like a Giant Chicken or some such nonsense.

ACT 4: Day of Ashes

The Day of Ashes is a day of rest, recovery, and reflection. Locals take the ashes from the bonfires and rub their hands in them to symbolize the end of a hard year’s work and hardships of the past. The day ends with a large family feast, typically Pork. Activities this day are light, but many folks head to the Temple for the Calling of Spring Blessings. They put on their fancies and head down to ask forgiveness for over-indulging in the festival and for worship. Well sort of…
Unfortunately, a lot of folks take this as an opportunity to peacock about and practice their one-upmanship over other locals. If you’re looking for inspiration for their outfits look to older photos of the Kentucky Derby. Over the years this troubling practice has caused more than one fight to break out after the service.
*Things to do! * - Go to Temple and Meet More Locals - Pick a Local Patron!
EVENT: Temple Services The majority of the town comes to Temple on this day. The service is usually longer, and a bit more “Where have most of you been all year?” But otherwise it is a call for the Divine Blessings to touch their crops and protect their lives. It ends with a ceremony in which the locals put their hands into the ashes from yesterday’s bonfire. Once services end they will head outside, where the trouble will begin. Two of the wealthier families will get into it with each other. Starting with a couple of veiled insults, probably before service and continuing afterward. If one of your players is from a local Rich Folk family then they can be right in the middle of it all, otherwise they will have to pick a side. This choice will determine their house Patron moving forward. Tension will increase until folks start drawing up sides, and then someone will throw a rotten tomato at one of the House Matrons. That will blow the lid off the incident and a yokel brawl will break out. For comedy purposes I recommend the instant appearance of several food carts filled with expired products, and maybe a six year old hustler selling big sticks for wacking folks with. As the locals brawl call for perception checks. Who ever rolls highest begins to hear… The Broom returning!
ENCOUNTER: Stick In The Eye The broom returns ready to whoop some ash. It will be absolutely bent on cleaning anyone and everyone who is even the slightest bit dirty! If it successfully attacks a character they will have to make a Strength Saving throw or be knocked to the ground and swept clean by the broom. As this would be an awful omen for the year folks are terrified and will be running around screaming. Absolute mass hysteria. If the players were lucky enough to hear it coming they can avoid being surprised by the broom. Otherwise the broom will get a full round to attack before they have a chance to do anything. They’ll have to beat the broom into submission any way they can before it sweeps the whole town into chaos!

CLOSING

After defeating the broom things will settle back down again. Bumpkins are quick to return to normal when things go awry. However, they will have gotten the attention of one of the Wealthy Families in the area and be offered jobs. Which family is really, based on what will work best for them and you as the DM. For gags you might be tempted to have the Yokels pick them up, but that is a hard bit to sustain, and you may be better served keeping them on the side as a comic foil rather than up front. Completely up to you. The session should end with them being invited to meet their new patron tomorrow someplace important.

CHAPTER 2: A Cartload of Chickens

After successfully defeating the Enchanted Broom, our Bumpkins have gained the attention of a possible local Patron. This individual has summoned them to a nearby farm to discuss future work. That work includes proving themselves capable and not just lucky.

ACT 1: Meet the Boss

In this Act the players will meet with their new patron, one of the Family Heads, who that is entirely depends on their choices from the last game. This entire side branch is designed to flavor the background of the campaign, but if you’d rather just have them stay freelancing and independent that’s fine as well. There is also the possibility of “competing” offers should they have second thoughts for any reason. Once they arrive at the meeting spot their Patron will ask them some questions about their ambitions (Class Goals), they will then hand them off to their new “boss” who will assign them their task. They will take them to a nearby barn.
NPC: “Boss” Needs a fitting name for the Family they work for... Character wise, what we got here is a standard “Ranch Foreman” character. They’re tough, A little mean, and completely loyal to their employer. They almost certainly chew tobacco (by the handful), have a tattoo of the Ranch’s Brand, and know where all the bodies are buried. They also have a huge and obvious scar on the side of their head where a Giant Chicken pecked a hole in their skull, so they’re not as bright as they used to be, not at all truthfully. Nor are they actually the Foreman anymore, but no one has a heart to tell them. They’ve been quietly downgraded to Chicken Handler, which is something they seem to remember quite well, but the brain damage keeps them from realizing all that. They can be found wandering the Farm giving strange orders to other Hands. These Hands nod politely and then go back to what they are doing.
Things To Do! - Meet Their Patron - Discuss Their Future - Meet Their New “Boss”

ACT 2: Chicken Dance

Boss will lead them into the odd looking barn. This building is filled with Giant Chickens. These two-three foot fouls have extremely exaggerated features, spiky looking beaks with sharp tooth like edges, big darting eyes, bumpy cracked skin, long gnarled talons, and dirty mottled feathers. They’re more beast than bird. But, they’re good for eatin! These creatures should have a stat block similar to an Axe Beak. When the players enter into the Barn the Chickens will go nuts, obviously deeply bothered by the intrusion. Boss will throw in some deer haunches and the birds will tear them apart in a feeding frenzy. They will then put on a Chicken Suit and begin a flapping dance. (Google Magnificent Riflebird) It should be absolutely captivating and the chickens will become mesmerized, watching every move. Boss will then load two dozen chickens onto a large wagon and lock it. They will have the players push the wagon out while he keeps the Chickens calm. Once outside they’ll hang heavy tarps on the sides of the wagon, and remove the suit. He will then explain to them that they need to keep the tarps on the wagon, and keep the birds well fed, or the chickens will get restless and become violent. When they do need to interact with them someone will have to wear the suit and dance to keep them calm. The bigger the person in the suit the better. Boss will then give them a Map of Green Valley and instruct them to drop off two chickens at each of the outer settlements. They have two days to get this done.
Things To Do! - Head into the barn - Witness The Dance of The Chicken - Push the Wagon out - Get the Costume and Delivery Instructions

ACT 3: Bumpy Roads

They will be off to deliver the Chickens to various locations. There is no specific order to this delivery, they just need to pick a route and go. If they’re short on time they can take the country roads that lead between the outer settlements, but these aren’t as well kept as the main roads are. Whatever road they take and wherever they decide to stop for the night there are problems they will encounter along the way. You can make them random or pick the ones that best suit your players. Most of these should at some point require someone putting on the suit and dancing for the chickens to keep them calm. I would also increase the difficulty of each event. If they fail a dance the Chickens will become restless and start attacking the cart until they are calmed down. Too many failures and the wagon’s cage will break and the remaining chickens escape. They will then have to be rounded up and the cage repaired.
Things to Do! - Decide the delivery route - Deliver the chickens - Keep the Chickens calm
Possible Road Events 1) Rough roads cause problems 2) Yokels attempt to see what’s in the cart 3) Bad Weather swamps the road or scares the chickens 4) Pack of Coyotes causes trouble. 5) Chicken Rustlers! Protect the Flock! 6) Wagon breaks and needs repair 7) Cows in the road, someone’s herd is out. 8) Broken Bridge, not gone, just broken

ACT 4: Final Delivery

They’re now closing in on the final delivery. Something needs to happen here to cause them to put the suit on. Or maybe they never took it off! I love that idea, that one of your players just loves the suit and wants to be a chicken… lol… Anyway I’m a fan of having them need to get out of the suit for some reason, maybe a bathroom break, or they stand on a fire ant hill, or a snake slithers up their leg. You know something silly and fun. BUT the zipper is stuck! So they’ll have to try and unstick it and fast! Whatever happens they’re going to get shot at by some hunters looking for a big score who have mistaken the flailing caused by the stuck zipper to be the chicken attacking. After dealing with the Hunters they can go ahead and make the final drop. And head home.
Things to Do! - Head for the final delivery - Get shot at! - Deliver the last chickens
ENCOUNTER: That’s a BIG Chicken! Having two hunters in the field is more than enough to cause a problem for the players. The hunters will almost certainly surprise the players, but you can allow them a perception check, if they succeed they’ll see the hunters just before the muskets go off. It would be OK to down the Chicken Player here if the hunters successfully hit it. They’ll have healer’s kits on hand because, well, this seems to happen to them a lot out here. After the initial attack the players can decide to attack back or try and talk the hunters down. A basic Bandit or Scout stat block should do will for the hunters. If you’re looking for a bit more mayhem, if the hunters miss the players you could have them hit the cage, and you know, bust it open. This may be especially tempting if they
POSSIBLE ENCOUNTER: Big Ol' Frog So there is a giant frog hiding in the mud down in the creek. If a player takes cover behind the banks there is a good chance that the frog will attempt to nab the player as a snack. If it is successful in grabbing a player with its tongue it will immediately head down river, and they'll have to chase it to get their friend back.

CLOSE

When they return, Boss will reward them. How much will depend on how successful they were delivering the birds. If they did a descent job, they will be paid two day’s wages each. If they were completely successful they can have a bonus. However, if the wagon is in bad shape they might have some money deducted. After they’re paid out, they will be dismissed, and told to expect a new assignment next week.

CHAPTER 3: Marvin the Magnificent

After successfully delivering chickens Boss is going to trust them with a more important task. Their employer has requested an item to be created by Marvin the Magnificent. This is a farming community so having enchanted Farming Equipment is extremely desirable. Marvin has done a lot of basic enchantments over the years, but this new one, an The Stone Skipper, a plough whose blade goes ethereal while in contact with stones too large to push away, has really put him to the test. He needs some help with the final enchantments. The players will have to travel to the Ethereal Plane and hit the Blade of the plow with large rocks. But there’s a problem, they’re going to have mischievous Ethereal Sprites attempting to stop them! If they’re successful, which they should be, they get to take the plough for a test drive, and deal with the strange side effects of the enchantment. Angry goats that blink in and out of existence.

ACT 1: To the Tower

They’ll be summoned out to the Ranch where they’ll meet with Boss again. Once there they will notice a large pile of bent and dinged up plows. Boss will explain to them that a recent land acquisition has become problematic. The Fields are filled with large stones just under the topsoil and they’ve damaged a lot of Plow Blades. The Smithing costs are getting out of hand and so their Patron is looking for an alternate solution to the problem. He is sending them to help Marvin the Magnificent, who has taken the job, but run into some complications and needs some help. They may ask about Marvin. Or perhaps the fields that were purchased, so be ready to answer these types of questions. Once they’re done here they can head to Marvin’s Tower, which is just north of town.
Things to Do! - Meet Boss again - Ask some Informational Questions - Head for the Tower
NPC: Marvin the Magnificent Marvin Boudenbaum, AKA Marvin the Magnificent, has lived in town a good number of years, he wasn’t born here but is considered local by most folk. He is a mage of some skill, having mastered spells up to level 3 spells, and is frequently hired by locals to use his magic for anything and everything that their bumpkin brains can cook up. Thing is… Marvin has extraordinary bad luck, so bad in fact that his spellwork has a tendency to go wrong. Typically, it doesn’t go wrong in a dangerous fashion, but there was that time little Timmy Proudfoot was flung into the Astral Sea. Marvin was about to be sentenced for Negligent Magic Murdering when Timmy was suddenly returned by Captain Jinny Steampipe of the Atomic Dustbin (An Astral Spell Ship). Timmy was ok and Jinny and crew spent a few weeks spending some money and telling everyone in town amazing stories of the Astral Sea, so all was forgiven. Marvin, has since taken to having anyone who hires him sign liability waivers, you know just in case. He lives in a small tower just outside of town to the North.

ACT 2: Marvin the Magnificent

As they approach the tower they should see an explosion at the peak of the structure. It should look similar to a fireworks mishap. When it clears there will be no visible damage to the tower, But Marvin will plummet to the earth just off to the side of them, landing in a small pond. He will then come charging out of the pond, laughing hysterically, and riding on a large turtle. Once he gets a few feet away from the pond the turtle will disappear and he will tumble to the ground right in front of the players. He will leap up quickly and turn toward the players. “Behold Travelers, You stand in the presence of Marvin the Magnificent! And everything you have witness was mostly intended!” He will then strike a cool pose with his wand pointed to the sky! “Now why do you approach my tower!?”
Once Marvin finds out they’ve been sent about the plow he will become more nervous looking. “I see, well follow me. We have work to do.” He will then start walking toward the tower… his boots squishing out water. This should give them a little time to ask a few questions. Marvin will be a little subversive about what they need to do. He will attempt to frame it very mysteriously, saying things like “All will be revealed soon.” and “Save your questions! All Answers await us… in the future!” If they ask him about what they witnessed outside, he will tell them he was working on a mount summoning spell designed for lakes and rivers.
Things to Do! - Head toward the Tower - Meet Marvin - Ask Questions

ACT 3: The Cabinet of Mysteries

The inside of the Wizard’s Tower will be far more mundane than they likely expect. At least on the first floor. It will have a sitting room, dining room, and kitchen, as well as a few odds and ends about. Nothing special at all. The second floor, are Marvin’s personal quarters and some room for study, but it is the third floor, where Marvin will lead them, and it will be more of what one would expect in a Wizard’s tower. There will be books shelves, arcane equipment, and storage for components. In the middle of the room will be a tall cabinet.
Marvin will explain to them that the Cabinet is a transportation device, and that he will need them to enter into it with a plow that he has recently enchanted. They will be taken to the Ethereal Plane, and once there they’ll need to take the plow outside and begin hitting it with large field stones. There is a large pile of stones just on the north edge of the tower. They’ll have to do this quickly, before the “others” show up. Who are the others? Hard to say, but there are things that live in the Ethereal Plane that don’t like intruders. The idea is to imbue the Plow with Ethereal Powers so it can pass through large stones while plowing fields. Once they return with the Enchanted Plow, Marvin will have them load it on a cart, pulled by a very smart Donkey, and send them on their way.
Skill Challenge: Enchant the Plow This skill challenge will require five successes before they’re incapacitated by the others. However they decide to do it, they’ll have to successfully hit the plow with five large stones. Failures will result in strange indiscernible entities attacking them. They do minimal damage but could knock people out if there are enough failures.
Things to Do! - Move Through Marvin’s Tower - Enter the Cabinet - Enchant the Plow

ACT 4: Blinking Goats

Upon returning to Boss with the Plow they will be happily greet and paid. Their Patron will be there and will be very pleased with their success. He will ask them to demonstrate the plow’s abilities. Once they get set up out in the field and begin plowing something weird will happen. Every time they hit a stone and the plow’s power activates an Ethereal Goat will manifest and kick or ram the plow, and then disappear. It will feel very similar to what they encountered in the Ethereal Plane. They’ll have to find a way to deal with the manifestations.
ENCOUNTER: Ethereal Goats These goats should function very similarly to Blink Dogs, but I would trim the HP and AC a little to put them in line with the party’s. They will be intent on breaking the Plow not the party, although they will attack the party if they can’t get to the Plow.
Things to Do! - Deliver the Plow - Drive the Plow - Defeat the Ethereal Goats

CLOSE

Once defeated the Boss will come over to yell at them, but the Patron will find the entire thing amusing and more importantly, another impressive demonstration of the player’s skills. He will invite them to the “House” for an important party next week.

CHAPTER 4: High Society

They've definitely been noticed now and have impressed with their ability, unconventional as it may be. They are invited to their patron's home, but not as guests. Though, they might think they were actually invited as guests! They have been brought in to help work the event held out at the Party Field. They will have to gather party supplies, help put up the tent, and then serve the actual guests. During the evening’s entertainment a hypnotist “The Great Dr Hypnotika” will mesmerize the crowd and attempt to rob them all. Hopefully the players don’t fall victim to her schemes. And if they do oh well, they’ll be entertained all the same.

ACT 1: Special Delivery

The players arrive at the Patron’s very nice property. They will be greeted by a properly dressed servant with a clipboard, the Party Planner. The Planner will be rigid and direct. They will immediately begin tasking them about. If they mention that they were invited to the party the servant will laugh “You didn’t think you were a guest? Oh dear, how embarrassing. You’re the help! It is still a great honor to be tasked to help at the Party, but you’re not guests. Now as for your current task. Head into town and gather these supplies. Bring them to the field by noon.” After the instructions are given the servant will go back to their tasks and expect the players to do the same. They will have three stops; The Crocked Crow for Food and Beer, Get Nailed for the Tent and Spirits, and Shalana Proud-Breed’s Tailor Shop to pick up the Dry Cleaning. Feel free to make any and all of these go sideways! Its a good place to toss in some shenanigans as well! They should also be introduced to Dr Hypnotika and her associates.
Things To do! - Go to their Patron’s Home - Meet the Party Planner and Dr Hypnotika - Run their Errands
NPC: Dr Hypnotika Dr Hypnotika and her group will perform for the party. Hypnotica is a Tiefling Mezmerist and illusionist. She has an obnoxiously high charisma and some pretty serious skills to back up her claims. However, she uses those skills to beguile her guests, robbing them blind while they are under her spells. She wears a fine robe with a bedazzled headwrap. She has dark upward spiraling horns, light purple skin, and matching eyes. She wears a monocle and walks with a ceremonially carved staff depicting the "Struggles of the Universe". She is extremely persuasive and even more deceptive. Even if someone were to grow suspicious she can easily talk her way out of trouble.
NPCs: Clapper and Bob Hypnotika brings with her two assistants. Clapper the suit wearing Kenku who will perform wondrous displays of mimicry and slight of hand, and her strongman Bob the Kobold. Bob wears a leopard print strongman's outfit and is amazingly swole, particularly for a kobold, and capable of lifting upwards of 400lbs. Bob doesn't do much else other than get hit with things. in the act.

ACT 2: Put up the Tent

After they finish running their errands they will be tasked with putting up a large party tent. This Act is an ongoing Skill Challenge and should have a constantly distracted feel to it. First they have to unpack the tent. Then they have to realize some pieces are missing, they’ll have to form a solution to that problem. After that wind should cause some problems as the tent is at least being pulled up. This is a great moment for some wondrous tom-foolery.
Things To do! - Unpack the tent - Deal with missing parts - Secure the tent during the wind gusts

ACT 3: Put These On

After they finish putting up the tent they’ll be sent to the Servant’s Quarters to bathe and change. They’ll get a little time to explore and snoop if they wish. Afterward they’ll be tasked with helping in the kitchen, but unfortunately the cooks are going to have been playing a drinking game all afternoon and are no longer fully capable of doing their jobs. This would make a great moment for some sort of mini-game where the players have to determine whether or not the cooks are doing the right things. Once the dinner has been completed they will have to serve the guests. This is a good place to insert gossip and help them meet a few other folks.
Things To do! - Get changed for the party - Deal with the drunk cooks - Serve the guests drinks and food

ACT 4: An Evening to Remember

At some point in the evening things are going to start sliding downhill. Some of the locals will have become extremely inebriated and will need to be encouraged to leave, or just moved off to the side as they’ve already passed out, before the show begins. Once the show begins the locals will become fixated on the goings on. “The Great Dr Hypnotika” will have put an additive in the drinks for the that will make everyone more susceptible to her powers of persuasion. Once the show starts she will have them all doing silly things, those who drank have disadvantage on saves against her powers. She will end the show asking the guests to display their most valuable treasure, a with a hypnotic pattern and then send her assistants out to collect those treasures. The players will have to “do something” about the thieves.
Things To do! - Deal with Drunks - Watch the Show - Stop the Criminals
ENCOUNTER: Hypnotika's Gang This encounter doesn't have to be a fight. If Hypnotika is caught she may claim it was all part of the act and simple return the valuables with a "no harm, no foul" type attitude. This will be he go to in an attempt to avoid a fight, but if the character persist in some kind of retribution or punishment the situation will devolve into a combat. Hypnotica herself is an Illusionist Wizard but is low on spells after the show. Clapper is a low level rogue and Bob a Barbarian, and should play out as such. Even with Skills they are combat adverse and will be looking for an opportunity to flee rather than fight. They do have a getaway wagon out front that they'll be headed for if things go south.

CLOSE

We’re assuming the Bumpkins at least attempted to stop the robbery. This will draw a lot of attention to them. Their Patron will be well pleased with them, and let them know they will be getting much more important jobs in the future. The guests will also take note and will begin treating them all a bit better. They’re all essentially Folk Heroes at this point for secondary backgrounds. Their Patron should reward them with something very nice as the party kicks back in. They will need to finish out the nights work of course.

QUEST-LINE CLOSING

Congratulations! Your Players have completed their first Quest-line! Hopefully it was a delightful experience. But now that they've finished what comes next? Well, here are some ideas.
Reward Them! They've been doing some rather Adventurous things lately, and therefore should now have a Class Level under their belt, so the real D&D world now opens to them! Maybe it is time for some real adventuring gear. No more sticks, stones, and burlap sack armor.
Folk Heroes? There's a good chance that the Valley is Speaking the News about them and their exploits while drinking in the taverns. They may have even earned the actual Folk Hero Feat! Maybe someone would be interested in giving them a task!
Simply Go Exploring! There are a lot of places in Green Valley that we only dipped our toes into. You could have them head down to Stinkmarsh, or maybe climb up the cliffs of Longridge. The world (Well, the Valley) is wholly open to them.
Explore Local Legends There are lots of local legends they can look into! Hopefully they search out something that isn't too far over their heads!
Continue Working for their Patron It would be an easy DM go to simply to have them continue working for their current Patron. They've probably been impressive enough fo a family to be interested in keeping them on.
Establish Themselves as Adventurers! Maybe they want to set up a Adventurers for Hire business? This "Heroes Guild" approach is really appealing to a lot of players and absolutely plays into Bumpkin Quest. Just remember, this is a place of low key problems that locals make really big deals out of. So the idea of slaying dragons shouldn't really be on the table... that is until an actual dragon shows up! Which one day absolutely should.

Welcome to Green Valley

Four Merry Jaunts Through the Bumpkin Quest Campaign

CHAPTER 1: Green Tide Spring Cleaning time! This includes a parade, a festival, and a temple ceremony. These events are haunted by and angry goose hating enchanted broom.
CHAPTER 2: A Cartload of Chickens Folks need to eat. And round here they like to eat massive angry chickens. Somebody's gotta deliver them, and that somebody is your players!
CHAPTER 3: Marvin the Magnificent Simple problems require convoluted solutions. Help Marvin enchant a plow that can pass through stones. What could go wrong?
CHAPTER 4: High Society After earning some respect the players get invited to a high falutin social dilly do. But not as guests. As the help. And this party is gonna need it! The entertainment is about to become a mesmerizing problem.
ADVENTURE MECHANICS - Target Character Level: Commoners or Level 1 - Target Party Size: Four Players - Average Adventure Playtime: 2ish Hours - Tone: Rural Mayhem and Foolishness
Grab the Free PDF Here. https://www.patreon.com/posts/adventure-to-83830560
I’ve also put these adventures into our *Bumpkin Quest: Campaign Guide https://www.patreon.com/posts/guide-bumpkin-to-80202231 The guide fills in the details of Green Valley pretty thoroughly. The quests are simple enough to be run in any setting you choose, but if you're interested in more the Guide has about two dozen Custom Maps, 70+ NPCs, Location Descriptions, 20+ Local Legends, and Scores of Adventure and Event Ideas. You can grab the PDF Free at the link above.

Hills Furrow

At the center of the Valley sits a patch of small grassy hills, through which the Slow Water meanders through. Built into these hills is the Village of Hills Furrow. Celebrated by everyone living in The Valley and boasting a whopping population of almost 150, Hills Furrow is the center of commerce and social importance. Well, at least as far as the locals are concerned. Realistically it would be less than a blip on the grand scale of things, a mere kernel of wheat in the silo of civilization, but to those who live here, there is nothing quite like living in the “city”.
The Village itself, like the Valley, is predominantly Halfling, and their fancy dwellings are burrowed into the hillsides as often as possible. These dwellings have been family owned for generations only becomeing available if there are no heirs to pass them along to. Other folk live in well kept two story shingled buildings, most of which house a business on the lower floor and house the Shopkeepers and their families above their workplaces, though a few live in nearby homes. There aren’t many “rental” spaces in town, as property is usually bought up quickly by the Halfling Families, but there are long term options at either of the Inns in town.
Hills Furrow: Locations 1) The Crocked Crow (Inn and Tavern) 2) The Dancing Lamb (Inn and Tavern) 3) The Moaning Toad (Tavern) 4) Granny's Groceries (General Market) 5) Get Nailed (Hardware and Distilery) 6) Gimdurh's Hammer (Smithy) 7) Brenra's Mechanicals (Tinker) 8) Hjoldren's Home Goods (Carpenter) 9) Standard Industries (Office) 10) Fit to be Dyed (Tailor) 11) The Last Loaf (Baker) 12) The Cloudy Cleaver (Butcher) 13) Nature's Medecine (Apothecary) 14) Sheriff's Office 15) Green Valley School House 16) The Waterwheel 17) The Windmill 18) The Undercloak Estate 19) Truefoot Burrow 20) The Meadows Family Hill
The locals are hospitable and friendly enough, but they do not really trust outsiders. Folks from foreign places are good for trade, news, and little else. Those that come through are treated well enough as long as they don’t wear out their welcome. Locals, well, that’s a bit of a different story. The city and area doesn’t operate under a written caste system or social structure, but there is clearly a pecking order, and family heritage matters a great deal to folks in Hills Furrow. Most locals, whether they’ve gotten an education or not, can easily be classified as simple. It isn’t that they are slow of mind or unintelligent, but more that they are unconcerned with matters the outside world considers important. This sentiment has created a general, but friendly, dislike between those that consider themselves Highfalutin and those that clearly are not.
Well now that I've given you the fifty cent tour. Shall we get on to adventure?

CHAPTER 1: Green Tide

We will open our journeys in the Green Valley at Green Tide, the annual celebration of Winter’s End. This adventure is designed to give a tour of Hills Furrow and introduce them to the locals. It will begin with some chores around their house to prepare for the festival and end with a battle involving an enchanted broom. If you did not do Session Zero, this chapter may take a bit longer as we get to know everyone and their characters.

ACT 1: Pre-Festival

The locals spend the week cleaning out their houses and farms. They gather old junk and unused items to be used later in the festival. They also begin preparing what food is left from winter to be used in a celebration and feasts.
Things to do! - Have the Players clean up junk around the house - Have them Find something strange (Perhaps used for a later mystery?) - Have them Decorate their Broom - Have them run a Household Errand (Meet an NPC)

ACT 2: Sweeping Day

A merry festival celebrating Spring cleaning and putting the past behind them. They form a parade, with one member from each house carrying a brightly decorated broom and using it to symbolically “Sweep Away Winter”. The rest of the family marches their winter’s trash and unused goods down to the Fairgrounds. The goods are often traded, while the trash is piled in the fire pit to await burning later. The entire day is filled with fun outdoor activities. Households also symbolically bring their problems to the bonfires to burn them later.
Things to do! - March in the Parade - Carry Junk to the Bonfire - Meet more of the Locals
EVENT: I Love a Parade
The parade will march North from near the Cross Roads in the South up around the hill and back again to the South where it will head for the Fairgrounds. There isn’t anything particularly challenging about this event, but it would be a wonderful place to start leaning into or building local rivalries.
EVENT: Never Seen a Broom Do That… As they come into the home stretch of the Parade one of the local’s Brooms will animate and take off. It will chase folks around the parade. The players can attempt to stop it, but the broom will flee soon after being attacked. It will fly up into the air, attack a flock of geese, and chase them off until it can’t be seen anymore. They can go and collect a fallen goose if they wish. I highly recommend giving it a motorcycle type sound as it flies around hitting folks. Maybe even going as far as giving it a rough gravel angry voice and letting it insult people.

ACT 3: Winter’s End

Winter’s End is a Combination of Groundhog’s Day and Fasnacht, this day gets a little wild. The Festival kicks off at dawn with the Great Gopher Hunt. Gophers are well known spies for The Voice of Winter and thus need to be hunted before they can tell The Voice to delay Spring. Gophers themselves are quite tasty, and are notoriously bad for crops, so this works out economically all around. Throughout the rest of the day families continue to contribute to the Bonfire Pile which often gets quite large. At dusk a large effigy of The Voice of Winter is placed on top of the pile. Once the sun has fully set they light the fire and burn the Effigy. Folk usually dress darkly during the day and brightly at night. After the burning they feast on sweets and treats that were made from goods saved up from winter storage.
Things to do! - The Great Gopher Hunt - Carry Junk to the Bonfire - Meet more of the Locals - The Fairground’s Activities
EVENT: The Great Gopher Hunt The Hunt begins at dawn and takes place all over the Valley. Locals race to collect as many Gophers as possible. It is easiest to kill the Gopher, but there are some that find that distasteful. Instead they live trap the critters. It is a bit tougher to do so, but an option should your players wish. This is most easily played out as a series of appropriate Skill Checks, in which the higher they score the more gophers they obtain.
EVENT: Trash Removal They may find some locals willing to pay them to help cart junk down to the bonfire pile. Not a lot of skill involved in this, but it is a great opportunity to meet locals, and you could throw a runaway cart at them.
Fair Activities They will probably want to take part in Fairground Activities. Players love these types of challenges. Here are a few ideas you can build on. - Axe Throwin: Basic attack rolls on a Round Target. Higher scores equal Higher points. - Bow Shootin: Basic attack rolls on Moving Targets. Higher scores equal Higher points. - Pig Chasin: Catch the greased Pig! Medium DC Challenge requiring three success before three Failures. - Mud Wrastlin: Nothing says bumpkin like a good Mud Wrastlin Pit. Contested Skill Challenges. - Sausage Eating Contest: Increasingly difficult DC Challenge. Eat till you puke! Can also be Pies or Ribs or Little Fish… you know whatever someone wants to stuff dozens of in their gullet. - Tug O’War: Team Strength Challenge. Three to Five Contested Rolls with opposing teams. - Gopher BBQ Cook Off: A Hard Culinary Challenge to see who can BBQ the best Gopher! - Races: Foot and Mount Races based on Three to Five Contested Rolls. I usually include a few odd mounts like a Giant Chicken or some such nonsense.

ACT 4: Day of Ashes

The Day of Ashes is a day of rest, recovery, and reflection. Locals take the ashes from the bonfires and rub their hands in them to symbolize the end of a hard year’s work and hardships of the past. The day ends with a large family feast, typically Pork. Activities this day are light, but many folks head to the Temple for the Calling of Spring Blessings. They put on their fancies and head down to ask forgiveness for over-indulging in the festival and for worship. Well sort of…
Unfortunately, a lot of folks take this as an opportunity to peacock about and practice their one-upmanship over other locals. If you’re looking for inspiration for their outfits look to older photos of the Kentucky Derby. Over the years this troubling practice has caused more than one fight to break out after the service.
*Things to do! * - Go to Temple and Meet More Locals - Pick a Local Patron!
EVENT: Temple Services The majority of the town comes to Temple on this day. The service is usually longer, and a bit more “Where have most of you been all year?” But otherwise it is a call for the Divine Blessings to touch their crops and protect their lives. It ends with a ceremony in which the locals put their hands into the ashes from yesterday’s bonfire. Once services end they will head outside, where the trouble will begin. Two of the wealthier families will get into it with each other. Starting with a couple of veiled insults, probably before service and continuing afterward. If one of your players is from a local Rich Folk family then they can be right in the middle of it all, otherwise they will have to pick a side. This choice will determine their house Patron moving forward. Tension will increase until folks start drawing up sides, and then someone will throw a rotten tomato at one of the House Matrons. That will blow the lid off the incident and a yokel brawl will break out. For comedy purposes I recommend the instant appearance of several food carts filled with expired products, and maybe a six year old hustler selling big sticks for wacking folks with. As the locals brawl call for perception checks. Who ever rolls highest begins to hear… The Broom returning!
ENCOUNTER: Stick In The Eye The broom returns ready to whoop some ash. It will be absolutely bent on cleaning anyone and everyone who is even the slightest bit dirty! If it successfully attacks a character they will have to make a Strength Saving throw or be knocked to the ground and swept clean by the broom. As this would be an awful omen for the year folks are terrified and will be running around screaming. Absolute mass hysteria. If the players were lucky enough to hear it coming they can avoid being surprised by the broom. Otherwise the broom will get a full round to attack before they have a chance to do anything. They’ll have to beat the broom into submission any way they can before it sweeps the whole town into chaos!

CLOSING

After defeating the broom things will settle back down again. Bumpkins are quick to return to normal when things go awry. However, they will have gotten the attention of one of the Wealthy Families in the area and be offered jobs. Which family is really, based on what will work best for them and you as the DM. For gags you might be tempted to have the Yokels pick them up, but that is a hard bit to sustain, and you may be better served keeping them on the side as a comic foil rather than up front. Completely up to you. The session should end with them being invited to meet their new patron tomorrow someplace important.

CHAPTER 2: A Cartload of Chickens

After successfully defeating the Enchanted Broom, our Bumpkins have gained the attention of a possible local Patron. This individual has summoned them to a nearby farm to discuss future work. That work includes proving themselves capable and not just lucky.

ACT 1: Meet the Boss

In this Act the players will meet with their new patron, one of the Family Heads, who that is entirely depends on their choices from the last game. This entire side branch is designed to flavor the background of the campaign, but if you’d rather just have them stay freelancing and independent that’s fine as well. There is also the possibility of “competing” offers should they have second thoughts for any reason. Once they arrive at the meeting spot their Patron will ask them some questions about their ambitions (Class Goals), they will then hand them off to their new “boss” who will assign them their task. They will take them to a nearby barn.
NPC: “Boss” Needs a fitting name for the Family they work for... Character wise, what we got here is a standard “Ranch Foreman” character. They’re tough, A little mean, and completely loyal to their employer. They almost certainly chew tobacco (by the handful), have a tattoo of the Ranch’s Brand, and know where all the bodies are buried. They also have a huge and obvious scar on the side of their head where a Giant Chicken pecked a hole in their skull, so they’re not as bright as they used to be, not at all truthfully. Nor are they actually the Foreman anymore, but no one has a heart to tell them. They’ve been quietly downgraded to Chicken Handler, which is something they seem to remember quite well, but the brain damage keeps them from realizing all that. They can be found wandering the Farm giving strange orders to other Hands. These Hands nod politely and then go back to what they are doing.
Things To Do! - Meet Their Patron - Discuss Their Future - Meet Their New “Boss”

ACT 2: Chicken Dance

Boss will lead them into the odd looking barn. This building is filled with Giant Chickens. These two-three foot fouls have extremely exaggerated features, spiky looking beaks with sharp tooth like edges, big darting eyes, bumpy cracked skin, long gnarled talons, and dirty mottled feathers. They’re more beast than bird. But, they’re good for eatin! These creatures should have a stat block similar to an Axe Beak. When the players enter into the Barn the Chickens will go nuts, obviously deeply bothered by the intrusion. Boss will throw in some deer haunches and the birds will tear them apart in a feeding frenzy. They will then put on a Chicken Suit and begin a flapping dance. (Google Magnificent Riflebird) It should be absolutely captivating and the chickens will become mesmerized, watching every move. Boss will then load two dozen chickens onto a large wagon and lock it. They will have the players push the wagon out while he keeps the Chickens calm. Once outside they’ll hang heavy tarps on the sides of the wagon, and remove the suit. He will then explain to them that they need to keep the tarps on the wagon, and keep the birds well fed, or the chickens will get restless and become violent. When they do need to interact with them someone will have to wear the suit and dance to keep them calm. The bigger the person in the suit the better. Boss will then give them a Map of Green Valley and instruct them to drop off two chickens at each of the outer settlements. They have two days to get this done.
Things To Do! - Head into the barn - Witness The Dance of The Chicken - Push the Wagon out - Get the Costume and Delivery Instructions

ACT 3: Bumpy Roads

They will be off to deliver the Chickens to various locations. There is no specific order to this delivery, they just need to pick a route and go. If they’re short on time they can take the country roads that lead between the outer settlements, but these aren’t as well kept as the main roads are. Whatever road they take and wherever they decide to stop for the night there are problems they will encounter along the way. You can make them random or pick the ones that best suit your players. Most of these should at some point require someone putting on the suit and dancing for the chickens to keep them calm. I would also increase the difficulty of each event. If they fail a dance the Chickens will become restless and start attacking the cart until they are calmed down. Too many failures and the wagon’s cage will break and the remaining chickens escape. They will then have to be rounded up and the cage repaired.
Things to Do! - Decide the delivery route - Deliver the chickens - Keep the Chickens calm
Possible Road Events 1) Rough roads cause problems 2) Yokels attempt to see what’s in the cart 3) Bad Weather swamps the road or scares the chickens 4) Pack of Coyotes causes trouble. 5) Chicken Rustlers! Protect the Flock! 6) Wagon breaks and needs repair 7) Cows in the road, someone’s herd is out. 8) Broken Bridge, not gone, just broken

ACT 4: Final Delivery

They’re now closing in on the final delivery. Something needs to happen here to cause them to put the suit on. Or maybe they never took it off! I love that idea, that one of your players just loves the suit and wants to be a chicken… lol… Anyway I’m a fan of having them need to get out of the suit for some reason, maybe a bathroom break, or they stand on a fire ant hill, or a snake slithers up their leg. You know something silly and fun. BUT the zipper is stuck! So they’ll have to try and unstick it and fast! Whatever happens they’re going to get shot at by some hunters looking for a big score who have mistaken the flailing caused by the stuck zipper to be the chicken attacking. After dealing with the Hunters they can go ahead and make the final drop. And head home.
Things to Do! - Head for the final delivery - Get shot at! - Deliver the last chickens
ENCOUNTER: That’s a BIG Chicken! Having two hunters in the field is more than enough to cause a problem for the players. The hunters will almost certainly surprise the players, but you can allow them a perception check, if they succeed they’ll see the hunters just before the muskets go off. It would be OK to down the Chicken Player here if the hunters successfully hit it. They’ll have healer’s kits on hand because, well, this seems to happen to them a lot out here. After the initial attack the players can decide to attack back or try and talk the hunters down. A basic Bandit or Scout stat block should do will for the hunters. If you’re looking for a bit more mayhem, if the hunters miss the players you could have them hit the cage, and you know, bust it open. This may be especially tempting if they
POSSIBLE ENCOUNTER: Big Ol' Frog So there is a giant frog hiding in the mud down in the creek. If a player takes cover behind the banks there is a good chance that the frog will attempt to nab the player as a snack. If it is successful in grabbing a player with its tongue it will immediately head down river, and they'll have to chase it to get their friend back.

CLOSE

When they return, Boss will reward them. How much will depend on how successful they were delivering the birds. If they did a descent job, they will be paid two day’s wages each. If they were completely successful they can have a bonus. However, if the wagon is in bad shape they might have some money deducted. After they’re paid out, they will be dismissed, and told to expect a new assignment next week.

CHAPTER 3: Marvin the Magnificent

After successfully delivering chickens Boss is going to trust them with a more important task. Their employer has requested an item to be created by Marvin the Magnificent. This is a farming community so having enchanted Farming Equipment is extremely desirable. Marvin has done a lot of basic enchantments over the years, but this new one, an The Stone Skipper, a plough whose blade goes ethereal while in contact with stones too large to push away, has really put him to the test. He needs some help with the final enchantments. The players will have to travel to the Ethereal Plane and hit the Blade of the plow with large rocks. But there’s a problem, they’re going to have mischievous Ethereal Sprites attempting to stop them! If they’re successful, which they should be, they get to take the plough for a test drive, and deal with the strange side effects of the enchantment. Angry goats that blink in and out of existence.

ACT 1: To the Tower

They’ll be summoned out to the Ranch where they’ll meet with Boss again. Once there they will notice a large pile of bent and dinged up plows. Boss will explain to them that a recent land acquisition has become problematic. The Fields are filled with large stones just under the topsoil and they’ve damaged a lot of Plow Blades. The Smithing costs are getting out of hand and so their Patron is looking for an alternate solution to the problem. He is sending them to help Marvin the Magnificent, who has taken the job, but run into some complications and needs some help. They may ask about Marvin. Or perhaps the fields that were purchased, so be ready to answer these types of questions. Once they’re done here they can head to Marvin’s Tower, which is just north of town.
Things to Do! - Meet Boss again - Ask some Informational Questions - Head for the Tower
NPC: Marvin the Magnificent Marvin Boudenbaum, AKA Marvin the Magnificent, has lived in town a good number of years, he wasn’t born here but is considered local by most folk. He is a mage of some skill, having mastered spells up to level 3 spells, and is frequently hired by locals to use his magic for anything and everything that their bumpkin brains can cook up. Thing is… Marvin has extraordinary bad luck, so bad in fact that his spellwork has a tendency to go wrong. Typically, it doesn’t go wrong in a dangerous fashion, but there was that time little Timmy Proudfoot was flung into the Astral Sea. Marvin was about to be sentenced for Negligent Magic Murdering when Timmy was suddenly returned by Captain Jinny Steampipe of the Atomic Dustbin (An Astral Spell Ship). Timmy was ok and Jinny and crew spent a few weeks spending some money and telling everyone in town amazing stories of the Astral Sea, so all was forgiven. Marvin, has since taken to having anyone who hires him sign liability waivers, you know just in case. He lives in a small tower just outside of town to the North.

ACT 2: Marvin the Magnificent

As they approach the tower they should see an explosion at the peak of the structure. It should look similar to a fireworks mishap. When it clears there will be no visible damage to the tower, But Marvin will plummet to the earth just off to the side of them, landing in a small pond. He will then come charging out of the pond, laughing hysterically, and riding on a large turtle. Once he gets a few feet away from the pond the turtle will disappear and he will tumble to the ground right in front of the players. He will leap up quickly and turn toward the players. “Behold Travelers, You stand in the presence of Marvin the Magnificent! And everything you have witness was mostly intended!” He will then strike a cool pose with his wand pointed to the sky! “Now why do you approach my tower!?”
Once Marvin finds out they’ve been sent about the plow he will become more nervous looking. “I see, well follow me. We have work to do.” He will then start walking toward the tower… his boots squishing out water. This should give them a little time to ask a few questions. Marvin will be a little subversive about what they need to do. He will attempt to frame it very mysteriously, saying things like “All will be revealed soon.” and “Save your questions! All Answers await us… in the future!” If they ask him about what they witnessed outside, he will tell them he was working on a mount summoning spell designed for lakes and rivers.
Things to Do! - Head toward the Tower - Meet Marvin - Ask Questions

ACT 3: The Cabinet of Mysteries

The inside of the Wizard’s Tower will be far more mundane than they likely expect. At least on the first floor. It will have a sitting room, dining room, and kitchen, as well as a few odds and ends about. Nothing special at all. The second floor, are Marvin’s personal quarters and some room for study, but it is the third floor, where Marvin will lead them, and it will be more of what one would expect in a Wizard’s tower. There will be books shelves, arcane equipment, and storage for components. In the middle of the room will be a tall cabinet.
Marvin will explain to them that the Cabinet is a transportation device, and that he will need them to enter into it with a plow that he has recently enchanted. They will be taken to the Ethereal Plane, and once there they’ll need to take the plow outside and begin hitting it with large field stones. There is a large pile of stones just on the north edge of the tower. They’ll have to do this quickly, before the “others” show up. Who are the others? Hard to say, but there are things that live in the Ethereal Plane that don’t like intruders. The idea is to imbue the Plow with Ethereal Powers so it can pass through large stones while plowing fields. Once they return with the Enchanted Plow, Marvin will have them load it on a cart, pulled by a very smart Donkey, and send them on their way.
Skill Challenge: Enchant the Plow This skill challenge will require five successes before they’re incapacitated by the others. However they decide to do it, they’ll have to successfully hit the plow with five large stones. Failures will result in strange indiscernible entities attacking them. They do minimal damage but could knock people out if there are enough failures.
Things to Do! - Move Through Marvin’s Tower - Enter the Cabinet - Enchant the Plow

ACT 4: Blinking Goats

Upon returning to Boss with the Plow they will be happily greet and paid. Their Patron will be there and will be very pleased with their success. He will ask them to demonstrate the plow’s abilities. Once they get set up out in the field and begin plowing something weird will happen. Every time they hit a stone and the plow’s power activates an Ethereal Goat will manifest and kick or ram the plow, and then disappear. It will feel very similar to what they encountered in the Ethereal Plane. They’ll have to find a way to deal with the manifestations.
ENCOUNTER: Ethereal Goats These goats should function very similarly to Blink Dogs, but I would trim the HP and AC a little to put them in line with the party’s. They will be intent on breaking the Plow not the party, although they will attack the party if they can’t get to the Plow.
Things to Do! - Deliver the Plow - Drive the Plow - Defeat the Ethereal Goats

CLOSE

Once defeated the Boss will come over to yell at them, but the Patron will find the entire thing amusing and more importantly, another impressive demonstration of the player’s skills. He will invite them to the “House” for an important party next week.

CHAPTER 4: High Society

They've definitely been noticed now and have impressed with their ability, unconventional as it may be. They are invited to their patron's home, but not as guests. Though, they might think they were actually invited as guests! They have been brought in to help work the event held out at the Party Field. They will have to gather party supplies, help put up the tent, and then serve the actual guests. During the evening’s entertainment a hypnotist “The Great Dr Hypnotika” will mesmerize the crowd and attempt to rob them all. Hopefully the players don’t fall victim to her schemes. And if they do oh well, they’ll be entertained all the same.

ACT 1: Special Delivery

The players arrive at the Patron’s very nice property. They will be greeted by a properly dressed servant with a clipboard, the Party Planner. The Planner will be rigid and direct. They will immediately begin tasking them about. If they mention that they were invited to the party the servant will laugh “You didn’t think you were a guest? Oh dear, how embarrassing. You’re the help! It is still a great honor to be tasked to help at the Party, but you’re not guests. Now as for your current task. Head into town and gather these supplies. Bring them to the field by noon.” After the instructions are given the servant will go back to their tasks and expect the players to do the same. They will have three stops; The Crocked Crow for Food and Beer, Get Nailed for the Tent and Spirits, and Shalana Proud-Breed’s Tailor Shop to pick up the Dry Cleaning. Feel free to make any and all of these go sideways! Its a good place to toss in some shenanigans as well! They should also be introduced to Dr Hypnotika and her associates.
Things To do! - Go to their Patron’s Home - Meet the Party Planner and Dr Hypnotika - Run their Errands
NPC: Dr Hypnotika Dr Hypnotika and her group will perform for the party. Hypnotica is a Tiefling Mezmerist and illusionist. She has an obnoxiously high charisma and some pretty serious skills to back up her claims. However, she uses those skills to beguile her guests, robbing them blind while they are under her spells. She wears a fine robe with a bedazzled headwrap. She has dark upward spiraling horns, light purple skin, and matching eyes. She wears a monocle and walks with a ceremonially carved staff depicting the "Struggles of the Universe". She is extremely persuasive and even more deceptive. Even if someone were to grow suspicious she can easily talk her way out of trouble.
NPCs: Clapper and Bob Hypnotika brings with her two assistants. Clapper the suit wearing Kenku who will perform wondrous displays of mimicry and slight of hand, and her strongman Bob the Kobold. Bob wears a leopard print strongman's outfit and is amazingly swole, particularly for a kobold, and capable of lifting upwards of 400lbs. Bob doesn't do much else other than get hit with things. in the act.

ACT 2: Put up the Tent

After they finish running their errands they will be tasked with putting up a large party tent. This Act is an ongoing Skill Challenge and should have a constantly distracted feel to it. First they have to unpack the tent. Then they have to realize some pieces are missing, they’ll have to form a solution to that problem. After that wind should cause some problems as the tent is at least being pulled up. This is a great moment for some wondrous tom-foolery.
Things To do! - Unpack the tent - Deal with missing parts - Secure the tent during the wind gusts

ACT 3: Put These On

After they finish putting up the tent they’ll be sent to the Servant’s Quarters to bathe and change. They’ll get a little time to explore and snoop if they wish. Afterward they’ll be tasked with helping in the kitchen, but unfortunately the cooks are going to have been playing a drinking game all afternoon and are no longer fully capable of doing their jobs. This would make a great moment for some sort of mini-game where the players have to determine whether or not the cooks are doing the right things. Once the dinner has been completed they will have to serve the guests. This is a good place to insert gossip and help them meet a few other folks.
Things To do! - Get changed for the party - Deal with the drunk cooks - Serve the guests drinks and food

ACT 4: An Evening to Remember

At some point in the evening things are going to start sliding downhill. Some of the locals will have become extremely inebriated and will need to be encouraged to leave, or just moved off to the side as they’ve already passed out, before the show begins. Once the show begins the locals will become fixated on the goings on. “The Great Dr Hypnotika” will have put an additive in the drinks for the that will make everyone more susceptible to her powers of persuasion. Once the show starts she will have them all doing silly things, those who drank have disadvantage on saves against her powers. She will end the show asking the guests to display their most valuable treasure, a with a hypnotic pattern and then send her assistants out to collect those treasures. The players will have to “do something” about the thieves.
Things To do! - Deal with Drunks - Watch the Show - Stop the Criminals
ENCOUNTER: Hypnotika's Gang This encounter doesn't have to be a fight. If Hypnotika is caught she may claim it was all part of the act and simple return the valuables with a "no harm, no foul" type attitude. This will be he go to in an attempt to avoid a fight, but if the character persist in some kind of retribution or punishment the situation will devolve into a combat. Hypnotica herself is an Illusionist Wizard but is low on spells after the show. Clapper is a low level rogue and Bob a Barbarian, and should play out as such. Even with Skills they are combat adverse and will be looking for an opportunity to flee rather than fight. They do have a getaway wagon out front that they'll be headed for if things go south.

CLOSE

We’re assuming the Bumpkins at least attempted to stop the robbery. This will draw a lot of attention to them. Their Patron will be well pleased with them, and let them know they will be getting much more important jobs in the future. The guests will also take note and will begin treating them all a bit better. They’re all essentially Folk Heroes at this point for secondary backgrounds. Their Patron should reward them with something very nice as the party kicks back in. They will need to finish out the nights work of course.

QUEST-LINE CLOSING

Congratulations! Your Players have completed their first Quest-line! Hopefully it was a delightful experience. But now that they've finished what comes next? Well, here are some ideas.
Reward Them! They've been doing some rather Adventurous things lately, and therefore should now have a Class Level under their belt, so the real D&D world now opens to them! Maybe it is time for some real adventuring gear. No more sticks, stones, and burlap sack armor.
Folk Heroes? There's a good chance that the Valley is Speaking the News about them and their exploits while drinking in the taverns. They may have even earned the actual Folk Hero Feat! Maybe someone would be interested in giving them a task!
Simply Go Exploring! There are a lot of places in Green Valley that we only dipped our toes into. You could have them head down to Stinkmarsh, or maybe climb up the cliffs of Longridge. The world (Well, the Valley) is wholly open to them.
Explore Local Legends There are lots of local legends they can look into! Hopefully they search out something that isn't too far over their heads!
Continue Working for their Patron It would be an easy DM go to simply to have them continue working for their current Patron. They've probably been impressive enough for a family to be interested in keeping them on.
Establish Themselves as Adventurers! Maybe they want to set up a Adventurers for Hire business? This "Heroes Guild" approach is really appealing to a lot of players and absolutely plays into Bumpkin Quest. Just remember, this is a place of low key problems that locals make really big deals out of. So the idea of slaying dragons shouldn't really be on the table... that is until an actual dragon shows up! Which one day absolutely should.

Welcome to Green Valley

Four Merry Jaunts Through the Bumpkin Quest Campaign

CHAPTER 1: Green Tide Spring Cleaning time! This includes a parade, a festival, and a temple ceremony. These events are haunted by and angry goose hating enchanted broom.
CHAPTER 2: A Cartload of Chickens Folks need to eat. And round here they like to eat massive angry chickens. Somebody's gotta deliver them, and that somebody is your players!
CHAPTER 3: Marvin the Magnificent Simple problems require convoluted solutions. Help Marvin enchant a plow that can pass through stones. What could go wrong?
CHAPTER 4: High Society After earning some respect the players get invited to a high falutin social dilly do. But not as guests. As the help. And this party is gonna need it! The entertainment is about to become a mesmerizing problem.
ADVENTURE MECHANICS - Target Character Level: Commoners or Level 1 - Target Party Size: Four Players - Average Adventure Playtime: 2ish Hours - Tone: Rural Mayhem and Foolishness
Grab the Free PDF Here. https://www.patreon.com/posts/adventure-to-83830560
I’ve also put these adventures into our *Bumpkin Quest: Campaign Guide https://www.patreon.com/posts/guide-bumpkin-to-80202231 The guide fills in the details of Green Valley pretty thoroughly. The quests are simple enough to be run in any setting you choose, but if you're interested in more the Guide has about two dozen Custom Maps, 70+ NPCs, Location Descriptions, 20+ Local Legends, and Scores of Adventure and Event Ideas. You can grab the PDF Free at the link above.

Hills Furrow

At the center of the Valley sits a patch of small grassy hills, through which the Slow Water meanders through. Built into these hills is the Village of Hills Furrow. Celebrated by everyone living in The Valley and boasting a whopping population of almost 150, Hills Furrow is the center of commerce and social importance. Well, at least as far as the locals are concerned. Realistically it would be less than a blip on the grand scale of things, a mere kernel of wheat in the silo of civilization, but to those who live here, there is nothing quite like living in the “city”.
The Village itself, like the Valley, is predominantly Halfling, and their fancy dwellings are burrowed into the hillsides as often as possible. These dwellings have been family owned for generations only becomeing available if there are no heirs to pass them along to. Other folk live in well kept two story shingled buildings, most of which house a business on the lower floor and house the Shopkeepers and their families above their workplaces, though a few live in nearby homes. There aren’t many “rental” spaces in town, as property is usually bought up quickly by the Halfling Families, but there are long term options at either of the Inns in town.
Hills Furrow: Locations 1) The Crocked Crow (Inn and Tavern) 2) The Dancing Lamb (Inn and Tavern) 3) The Moaning Toad (Tavern) 4) Granny's Groceries (General Market) 5) Get Nailed (Hardware and Distilery) 6) Gimdurh's Hammer (Smithy) 7) Brenra's Mechanicals (Tinker) 8) Hjoldren's Home Goods (Carpenter) 9) Standard Industries (Office) 10) Fit to be Dyed (Tailor) 11) The Last Loaf (Baker) 12) The Cloudy Cleaver (Butcher) 13) Nature's Medecine (Apothecary) 14) Sheriff's Office 15) Green Valley School House 16) The Waterwheel 17) The Windmill 18) The Undercloak Estate 19) Truefoot Burrow 20) The Meadows Family Hill
The locals are hospitable and friendly enough, but they do not really trust outsiders. Folks from foreign places are good for trade, news, and little else. Those that come through are treated well enough as long as they don’t wear out their welcome. Locals, well, that’s a bit of a different story. The city and area doesn’t operate under a written caste system or social structure, but there is clearly a pecking order, and family heritage matters a great deal to folks in Hills Furrow. Most locals, whether they’ve gotten an education or not, can easily be classified as simple. It isn’t that they are slow of mind or unintelligent, but more that they are unconcerned with matters the outside world considers important. This sentiment has created a general, but friendly, dislike between those that consider themselves Highfalutin and those that clearly are not.
Well now that I've given you the fifty cent tour. Shall we get on to adventure?

CHAPTER 1: Green Tide

We will open our journeys in the Green Valley at Green Tide, the annual celebration of Winter’s End. This adventure is designed to give a tour of Hills Furrow and introduce them to the locals. It will begin with some chores around their house to prepare for the festival and end with a battle involving an enchanted broom. If you did not do Session Zero, this chapter may take a bit longer as we get to know everyone and their characters.

ACT 1: Pre-Festival

The locals spend the week cleaning out their houses and farms. They gather old junk and unused items to be used later in the festival. They also begin preparing what food is left from winter to be used in a celebration and feasts.
Things to do! - Have the Players clean up junk around the house - Have them Find something strange (Perhaps used for a later mystery?) - Have them Decorate their Broom - Have them run a Household Errand (Meet an NPC)

ACT 2: Sweeping Day

A merry festival celebrating Spring cleaning and putting the past behind them. They form a parade, with one member from each house carrying a brightly decorated broom and using it to symbolically “Sweep Away Winter”. The rest of the family marches their winter’s trash and unused goods down to the Fairgrounds. The goods are often traded, while the trash is piled in the fire pit to await burning later. The entire day is filled with fun outdoor activities. Households also symbolically bring their problems to the bonfires to burn them later.
Things to do! - March in the Parade - Carry Junk to the Bonfire - Meet more of the Locals
EVENT: I Love a Parade
The parade will march North from near the Cross Roads in the South up around the hill and back again to the South where it will head for the Fairgrounds. There isn’t anything particularly challenging about this event, but it would be a wonderful place to start leaning into or building local rivalries.
EVENT: Never Seen a Broom Do That… As they come into the home stretch of the Parade one of the local’s Brooms will animate and take off. It will chase folks around the parade. The players can attempt to stop it, but the broom will flee soon after being attacked. It will fly up into the air, attack a flock of geese, and chase them off until it can’t be seen anymore. They can go and collect a fallen goose if they wish. I highly recommend giving it a motorcycle type sound as it flies around hitting folks. Maybe even going as far as giving it a rough gravel angry voice and letting it insult people.

ACT 3: Winter’s End

Winter’s End is a Combination of Groundhog’s Day and Fasnacht, this day gets a little wild. The Festival kicks off at dawn with the Great Gopher Hunt. Gophers are well known spies for The Voice of Winter and thus need to be hunted before they can tell The Voice to delay Spring. Gophers themselves are quite tasty, and are notoriously bad for crops, so this works out economically all around. Throughout the rest of the day families continue to contribute to the Bonfire Pile which often gets quite large. At dusk a large effigy of The Voice of Winter is placed on top of the pile. Once the sun has fully set they light the fire and burn the Effigy. Folk usually dress darkly during the day and brightly at night. After the burning they feast on sweets and treats that were made from goods saved up from winter storage.
Things to do! - The Great Gopher Hunt - Carry Junk to the Bonfire - Meet more of the Locals - The Fairground’s Activities
EVENT: The Great Gopher Hunt The Hunt begins at dawn and takes place all over the Valley. Locals race to collect as many Gophers as possible. It is easiest to kill the Gopher, but there are some that find that distasteful. Instead they live trap the critters. It is a bit tougher to do so, but an option should your players wish. This is most easily played out as a series of appropriate Skill Checks, in which the higher they score the more gophers they obtain.
EVENT: Trash Removal They may find some locals willing to pay them to help cart junk down to the bonfire pile. Not a lot of skill involved in this, but it is a great opportunity to meet locals, and you could throw a runaway cart at them.
Fair Activities They will probably want to take part in Fairground Activities. Players love these types of challenges. Here are a few ideas you can build on. - Axe Throwin: Basic attack rolls on a Round Target. Higher scores equal Higher points. - Bow Shootin: Basic attack rolls on Moving Targets. Higher scores equal Higher points. - Pig Chasin: Catch the greased Pig! Medium DC Challenge requiring three success before three Failures. - Mud Wrastlin: Nothing says bumpkin like a good Mud Wrastlin Pit. Contested Skill Challenges. - Sausage Eating Contest: Increasingly difficult DC Challenge. Eat till you puke! Can also be Pies or Ribs or Little Fish… you know whatever someone wants to stuff dozens of in their gullet. - Tug O’War: Team Strength Challenge. Three to Five Contested Rolls with opposing teams. - Gopher BBQ Cook Off: A Hard Culinary Challenge to see who can BBQ the best Gopher! - Races: Foot and Mount Races based on Three to Five Contested Rolls. I usually include a few odd mounts like a Giant Chicken or some such nonsense.

ACT 4: Day of Ashes

The Day of Ashes is a day of rest, recovery, and reflection. Locals take the ashes from the bonfires and rub their hands in them to symbolize the end of a hard year’s work and hardships of the past. The day ends with a large family feast, typically Pork. Activities this day are light, but many folks head to the Temple for the Calling of Spring Blessings. They put on their fancies and head down to ask forgiveness for over-indulging in the festival and for worship. Well sort of…
Unfortunately, a lot of folks take this as an opportunity to peacock about and practice their one-upmanship over other locals. If you’re looking for inspiration for their outfits look to older photos of the Kentucky Derby. Over the years this troubling practice has caused more than one fight to break out after the service.
*Things to do! * - Go to Temple and Meet More Locals - Pick a Local Patron!
EVENT: Temple Services The majority of the town comes to Temple on this day. The service is usually longer, and a bit more “Where have most of you been all year?” But otherwise it is a call for the Divine Blessings to touch their crops and protect their lives. It ends with a ceremony in which the locals put their hands into the ashes from yesterday’s bonfire. Once services end they will head outside, where the trouble will begin. Two of the wealthier families will get into it with each other. Starting with a couple of veiled insults, probably before service and continuing afterward. If one of your players is from a local Rich Folk family then they can be right in the middle of it all, otherwise they will have to pick a side. This choice will determine their house Patron moving forward. Tension will increase until folks start drawing up sides, and then someone will throw a rotten tomato at one of the House Matrons. That will blow the lid off the incident and a yokel brawl will break out. For comedy purposes I recommend the instant appearance of several food carts filled with expired products, and maybe a six year old hustler selling big sticks for wacking folks with. As the locals brawl call for perception checks. Who ever rolls highest begins to hear… The Broom returning!
ENCOUNTER: Stick In The Eye The broom returns ready to whoop some ash. It will be absolutely bent on cleaning anyone and everyone who is even the slightest bit dirty! If it successfully attacks a character they will have to make a Strength Saving throw or be knocked to the ground and swept clean by the broom. As this would be an awful omen for the year folks are terrified and will be running around screaming. Absolute mass hysteria. If the players were lucky enough to hear it coming they can avoid being surprised by the broom. Otherwise the broom will get a full round to attack before they have a chance to do anything. They’ll have to beat the broom into submission any way they can before it sweeps the whole town into chaos!

CLOSING

After defeating the broom things will settle back down again. Bumpkins are quick to return to normal when things go awry. However, they will have gotten the attention of one of the Wealthy Families in the area and be offered jobs. Which family is really, based on what will work best for them and you as the DM. For gags you might be tempted to have the Yokels pick them up, but that is a hard bit to sustain, and you may be better served keeping them on the side as a comic foil rather than up front. Completely up to you. The session should end with them being invited to meet their new patron tomorrow someplace important.

CHAPTER 2: A Cartload of Chickens

After successfully defeating the Enchanted Broom, our Bumpkins have gained the attention of a possible local Patron. This individual has summoned them to a nearby farm to discuss future work. That work includes proving themselves capable and not just lucky.

ACT 1: Meet the Boss

In this Act the players will meet with their new patron, one of the Family Heads, who that is entirely depends on their choices from the last game. This entire side branch is designed to flavor the background of the campaign, but if you’d rather just have them stay freelancing and independent that’s fine as well. There is also the possibility of “competing” offers should they have second thoughts for any reason. Once they arrive at the meeting spot their Patron will ask them some questions about their ambitions (Class Goals), they will then hand them off to their new “boss” who will assign them their task. They will take them to a nearby barn.
NPC: “Boss” Needs a fitting name for the Family they work for... Character wise, what we got here is a standard “Ranch Foreman” character. They’re tough, A little mean, and completely loyal to their employer. They almost certainly chew tobacco (by the handful), have a tattoo of the Ranch’s Brand, and know where all the bodies are buried. They also have a huge and obvious scar on the side of their head where a Giant Chicken pecked a hole in their skull, so they’re not as bright as they used to be, not at all truthfully. Nor are they actually the Foreman anymore, but no one has a heart to tell them. They’ve been quietly downgraded to Chicken Handler, which is something they seem to remember quite well, but the brain damage keeps them from realizing all that. They can be found wandering the Farm giving strange orders to other Hands. These Hands nod politely and then go back to what they are doing.
Things To Do! - Meet Their Patron - Discuss Their Future - Meet Their New “Boss”

ACT 2: Chicken Dance

Boss will lead them into the odd looking barn. This building is filled with Giant Chickens. These two-three foot fouls have extremely exaggerated features, spiky looking beaks with sharp tooth like edges, big darting eyes, bumpy cracked skin, long gnarled talons, and dirty mottled feathers. They’re more beast than bird. But, they’re good for eatin! These creatures should have a stat block similar to an Axe Beak. When the players enter into the Barn the Chickens will go nuts, obviously deeply bothered by the intrusion. Boss will throw in some deer haunches and the birds will tear them apart in a feeding frenzy. They will then put on a Chicken Suit and begin a flapping dance. (Google Magnificent Riflebird) It should be absolutely captivating and the chickens will become mesmerized, watching every move. Boss will then load two dozen chickens onto a large wagon and lock it. They will have the players push the wagon out while he keeps the Chickens calm. Once outside they’ll hang heavy tarps on the sides of the wagon, and remove the suit. He will then explain to them that they need to keep the tarps on the wagon, and keep the birds well fed, or the chickens will get restless and become violent. When they do need to interact with them someone will have to wear the suit and dance to keep them calm. The bigger the person in the suit the better. Boss will then give them a Map of Green Valley and instruct them to drop off two chickens at each of the outer settlements. They have two days to get this done.
Things To Do! - Head into the barn - Witness The Dance of The Chicken - Push the Wagon out - Get the Costume and Delivery Instructions

ACT 3: Bumpy Roads

They will be off to deliver the Chickens to various locations. There is no specific order to this delivery, they just need to pick a route and go. If they’re short on time they can take the country roads that lead between the outer settlements, but these aren’t as well kept as the main roads are. Whatever road they take and wherever they decide to stop for the night there are problems they will encounter along the way. You can make them random or pick the ones that best suit your players. Most of these should at some point require someone putting on the suit and dancing for the chickens to keep them calm. I would also increase the difficulty of each event. If they fail a dance the Chickens will become restless and start attacking the cart until they are calmed down. Too many failures and the wagon’s cage will break and the remaining chickens escape. They will then have to be rounded up and the cage repaired.
Things to Do! - Decide the delivery route - Deliver the chickens - Keep the Chickens calm
Possible Road Events 1) Rough roads cause problems 2) Yokels attempt to see what’s in the cart 3) Bad Weather swamps the road or scares the chickens 4) Pack of Coyotes causes trouble. 5) Chicken Rustlers! Protect the Flock! 6) Wagon breaks and needs repair 7) Cows in the road, someone’s herd is out. 8) Broken Bridge, not gone, just broken

ACT 4: Final Delivery

They’re now closing in on the final delivery. Something needs to happen here to cause them to put the suit on. Or maybe they never took it off! I love that idea, that one of your players just loves the suit and wants to be a chicken… lol… Anyway I’m a fan of having them need to get out of the suit for some reason, maybe a bathroom break, or they stand on a fire ant hill, or a snake slithers up their leg. You know something silly and fun. BUT the zipper is stuck! So they’ll have to try and unstick it and fast! Whatever happens they’re going to get shot at by some hunters looking for a big score who have mistaken the flailing caused by the stuck zipper to be the chicken attacking. After dealing with the Hunters they can go ahead and make the final drop. And head home.
Things to Do! - Head for the final delivery - Get shot at! - Deliver the last chickens
ENCOUNTER: That’s a BIG Chicken! Having two hunters in the field is more than enough to cause a problem for the players. The hunters will almost certainly surprise the players, but you can allow them a perception check, if they succeed they’ll see the hunters just before the muskets go off. It would be OK to down the Chicken Player here if the hunters successfully hit it. They’ll have healer’s kits on hand because, well, this seems to happen to them a lot out here. After the initial attack the players can decide to attack back or try and talk the hunters down. A basic Bandit or Scout stat block should do will for the hunters. If you’re looking for a bit more mayhem, if the hunters miss the players you could have them hit the cage, and you know, bust it open. This may be especially tempting if they
POSSIBLE ENCOUNTER: Big Ol' Frog So there is a giant frog hiding in the mud down in the creek. If a player takes cover behind the banks there is a good chance that the frog will attempt to nab the player as a snack. If it is successful in grabbing a player with its tongue it will immediately head down river, and they'll have to chase it to get their friend back.

CLOSE

When they return, Boss will reward them. How much will depend on how successful they were delivering the birds. If they did a descent job, they will be paid two day’s wages each. If they were completely successful they can have a bonus. However, if the wagon is in bad shape they might have some money deducted. After they’re paid out, they will be dismissed, and told to expect a new assignment next week.

CHAPTER 3: Marvin the Magnificent

After successfully delivering chickens Boss is going to trust them with a more important task. Their employer has requested an item to be created by Marvin the Magnificent. This is a farming community so having enchanted Farming Equipment is extremely desirable. Marvin has done a lot of basic enchantments over the years, but this new one, an The Stone Skipper, a plough whose blade goes ethereal while in contact with stones too large to push away, has really put him to the test. He needs some help with the final enchantments. The players will have to travel to the Ethereal Plane and hit the Blade of the plow with large rocks. But there’s a problem, they’re going to have mischievous Ethereal Sprites attempting to stop them! If they’re successful, which they should be, they get to take the plough for a test drive, and deal with the strange side effects of the enchantment. Angry goats that blink in and out of existence.

ACT 1: To the Tower

They’ll be summoned out to the Ranch where they’ll meet with Boss again. Once there they will notice a large pile of bent and dinged up plows. Boss will explain to them that a recent land acquisition has become problematic. The Fields are filled with large stones just under the topsoil and they’ve damaged a lot of Plow Blades. The Smithing costs are getting out of hand and so their Patron is looking for an alternate solution to the problem. He is sending them to help Marvin the Magnificent, who has taken the job, but run into some complications and needs some help. They may ask about Marvin. Or perhaps the fields that were purchased, so be ready to answer these types of questions. Once they’re done here they can head to Marvin’s Tower, which is just north of town.
Things to Do! - Meet Boss again - Ask some Informational Questions - Head for the Tower
NPC: Marvin the Magnificent Marvin Boudenbaum, AKA Marvin the Magnificent, has lived in town a good number of years, he wasn’t born here but is considered local by most folk. He is a mage of some skill, having mastered spells up to level 3 spells, and is frequently hired by locals to use his magic for anything and everything that their bumpkin brains can cook up. Thing is… Marvin has extraordinary bad luck, so bad in fact that his spellwork has a tendency to go wrong. Typically, it doesn’t go wrong in a dangerous fashion, but there was that time little Timmy Proudfoot was flung into the Astral Sea. Marvin was about to be sentenced for Negligent Magic Murdering when Timmy was suddenly returned by Captain Jinny Steampipe of the Atomic Dustbin (An Astral Spell Ship). Timmy was ok and Jinny and crew spent a few weeks spending some money and telling everyone in town amazing stories of the Astral Sea, so all was forgiven. Marvin, has since taken to having anyone who hires him sign liability waivers, you know just in case. He lives in a small tower just outside of town to the North.

ACT 2: Marvin the Magnificent

As they approach the tower they should see an explosion at the peak of the structure. It should look similar to a fireworks mishap. When it clears there will be no visible damage to the tower, But Marvin will plummet to the earth just off to the side of them, landing in a small pond. He will then come charging out of the pond, laughing hysterically, and riding on a large turtle. Once he gets a few feet away from the pond the turtle will disappear and he will tumble to the ground right in front of the players. He will leap up quickly and turn toward the players. “Behold Travelers, You stand in the presence of Marvin the Magnificent! And everything you have witness was mostly intended!” He will then strike a cool pose with his wand pointed to the sky! “Now why do you approach my tower!?”
Once Marvin finds out they’ve been sent about the plow he will become more nervous looking. “I see, well follow me. We have work to do.” He will then start walking toward the tower… his boots squishing out water. This should give them a little time to ask a few questions. Marvin will be a little subversive about what they need to do. He will attempt to frame it very mysteriously, saying things like “All will be revealed soon.” and “Save your questions! All Answers await us… in the future!” If they ask him about what they witnessed outside, he will tell them he was working on a mount summoning spell designed for lakes and rivers.
Things to Do! - Head toward the Tower - Meet Marvin - Ask Questions

ACT 3: The Cabinet of Mysteries

The inside of the Wizard’s Tower will be far more mundane than they likely expect. At least on the first floor. It will have a sitting room, dining room, and kitchen, as well as a few odds and ends about. Nothing special at all. The second floor, are Marvin’s personal quarters and some room for study, but it is the third floor, where Marvin will lead them, and it will be more of what one would expect in a Wizard’s tower. There will be books shelves, arcane equipment, and storage for components. In the middle of the room will be a tall cabinet.
Marvin will explain to them that the Cabinet is a transportation device, and that he will need them to enter into it with a plow that he has recently enchanted. They will be taken to the Ethereal Plane, and once there they’ll need to take the plow outside and begin hitting it with large field stones. There is a large pile of stones just on the north edge of the tower. They’ll have to do this quickly, before the “others” show up. Who are the others? Hard to say, but there are things that live in the Ethereal Plane that don’t like intruders. The idea is to imbue the Plow with Ethereal Powers so it can pass through large stones while plowing fields. Once they return with the Enchanted Plow, Marvin will have them load it on a cart, pulled by a very smart Donkey, and send them on their way.
Skill Challenge: Enchant the Plow This skill challenge will require five successes before they’re incapacitated by the others. However they decide to do it, they’ll have to successfully hit the plow with five large stones. Failures will result in strange indiscernible entities attacking them. They do minimal damage but could knock people out if there are enough failures.
Things to Do! - Move Through Marvin’s Tower - Enter the Cabinet - Enchant the Plow

ACT 4: Blinking Goats

Upon returning to Boss with the Plow they will be happily greet and paid. Their Patron will be there and will be very pleased with their success. He will ask them to demonstrate the plow’s abilities. Once they get set up out in the field and begin plowing something weird will happen. Every time they hit a stone and the plow’s power activates an Ethereal Goat will manifest and kick or ram the plow, and then disappear. It will feel very similar to what they encountered in the Ethereal Plane. They’ll have to find a way to deal with the manifestations.
ENCOUNTER: Ethereal Goats These goats should function very similarly to Blink Dogs, but I would trim the HP and AC a little to put them in line with the party’s. They will be intent on breaking the Plow not the party, although they will attack the party if they can’t get to the Plow.
Things to Do! - Deliver the Plow - Drive the Plow - Defeat the Ethereal Goats

CLOSE

Once defeated the Boss will come over to yell at them, but the Patron will find the entire thing amusing and more importantly, another impressive demonstration of the player’s skills. He will invite them to the “House” for an important party next week.

CHAPTER 4: High Society

They've definitely been noticed now and have impressed with their ability, unconventional as it may be. They are invited to their patron's home, but not as guests. Though, they might think they were actually invited as guests! They have been brought in to help work the event held out at the Party Field. They will have to gather party supplies, help put up the tent, and then serve the actual guests. During the evening’s entertainment a hypnotist “The Great Dr Hypnotika” will mesmerize the crowd and attempt to rob them all. Hopefully the players don’t fall victim to her schemes. And if they do oh well, they’ll be entertained all the same.

ACT 1: Special Delivery

The players arrive at the Patron’s very nice property. They will be greeted by a properly dressed servant with a clipboard, the Party Planner. The Planner will be rigid and direct. They will immediately begin tasking them about. If they mention that they were invited to the party the servant will laugh “You didn’t think you were a guest? Oh dear, how embarrassing. You’re the help! It is still a great honor to be tasked to help at the Party, but you’re not guests. Now as for your current task. Head into town and gather these supplies. Bring them to the field by noon.” After the instructions are given the servant will go back to their tasks and expect the players to do the same. They will have three stops; The Crocked Crow for Food and Beer, Get Nailed for the Tent and Spirits, and Shalana Proud-Breed’s Tailor Shop to pick up the Dry Cleaning. Feel free to make any and all of these go sideways! Its a good place to toss in some shenanigans as well! They should also be introduced to Dr Hypnotika and her associates.
Things To do! - Go to their Patron’s Home - Meet the Party Planner and Dr Hypnotika - Run their Errands
NPC: Dr Hypnotika Dr Hypnotika and her group will perform for the party. Hypnotica is a Tiefling Mezmerist and illusionist. She has an obnoxiously high charisma and some pretty serious skills to back up her claims. However, she uses those skills to beguile her guests, robbing them blind while they are under her spells. She wears a fine robe with a bedazzled headwrap. She has dark upward spiraling horns, light purple skin, and matching eyes. She wears a monocle and walks with a ceremonially carved staff depicting the "Struggles of the Universe". She is extremely persuasive and even more deceptive. Even if someone were to grow suspicious she can easily talk her way out of trouble.
NPCs: Clapper and Bob Hypnotika brings with her two assistants. Clapper the suit wearing Kenku who will perform wondrous displays of mimicry and slight of hand, and her strongman Bob the Kobold. Bob wears a leopard print strongman's outfit and is amazingly swole, particularly for a kobold, and capable of lifting upwards of 400lbs. Bob doesn't do much else other than get hit with things. in the act.

ACT 2: Put up the Tent

After they finish running their errands they will be tasked with putting up a large party tent. This Act is an ongoing Skill Challenge and should have a constantly distracted feel to it. First they have to unpack the tent. Then they have to realize some pieces are missing, they’ll have to form a solution to that problem. After that wind should cause some problems as the tent is at least being pulled up. This is a great moment for some wondrous tom-foolery.
Things To do! - Unpack the tent - Deal with missing parts - Secure the tent during the wind gusts

ACT 3: Put These On

After they finish putting up the tent they’ll be sent to the Servant’s Quarters to bathe and change. They’ll get a little time to explore and snoop if they wish. Afterward they’ll be tasked with helping in the kitchen, but unfortunately the cooks are going to have been playing a drinking game all afternoon and are no longer fully capable of doing their jobs. This would make a great moment for some sort of mini-game where the players have to determine whether or not the cooks are doing the right things. Once the dinner has been completed they will have to serve the guests. This is a good place to insert gossip and help them meet a few other folks.
Things To do! - Get changed for the party - Deal with the drunk cooks - Serve the guests drinks and food

ACT 4: An Evening to Remember

At some point in the evening things are going to start sliding downhill. Some of the locals will have become extremely inebriated and will need to be encouraged to leave, or just moved off to the side as they’ve already passed out, before the show begins. Once the show begins the locals will become fixated on the goings on. “The Great Dr Hypnotika” will have put an additive in the drinks for the that will make everyone more susceptible to her powers of persuasion. Once the show starts she will have them all doing silly things, those who drank have disadvantage on saves against her powers. She will end the show asking the guests to display their most valuable treasure, a with a hypnotic pattern and then send her assistants out to collect those treasures. The players will have to “do something” about the thieves.
Things To do! - Deal with Drunks - Watch the Show - Stop the Criminals
ENCOUNTER: Hypnotika's Gang This encounter doesn't have to be a fight. If Hypnotika is caught she may claim it was all part of the act and simple return the valuables with a "no harm, no foul" type attitude. This will be he go to in an attempt to avoid a fight, but if the character persist in some kind of retribution or punishment the situation will devolve into a combat. Hypnotica herself is an Illusionist Wizard but is low on spells after the show. Clapper is a low level rogue and Bob a Barbarian, and should play out as such. Even with Skills they are combat adverse and will be looking for an opportunity to flee rather than fight. They do have a getaway wagon out front that they'll be headed for if things go south.

CLOSE

We’re assuming the Bumpkins at least attempted to stop the robbery. This will draw a lot of attention to them. Their Patron will be well pleased with them, and let them know they will be getting much more important jobs in the future. The guests will also take note and will begin treating them all a bit better. They’re all essentially Folk Heroes at this point for secondary backgrounds. Their Patron should reward them with something very nice as the party kicks back in. They will need to finish out the nights work of course.

QUEST-LINE CLOSING

Congratulations! Your Players have completed their first Quest-line! Hopefully it was a delightful experience. But now that they've finished what comes next? Well, here are some ideas.
Reward Them! They've been doing some rather Adventurous things lately, and therefore should now have a Class Level under their belt, so the real D&D world now opens to them! Maybe it is time for some real adventuring gear. No more sticks, stones, and burlap sack armor.
Folk Heroes? There's a good chance that the Valley is Speaking the News about them and their exploits while drinking in the taverns. They may have even earned the actual Folk Hero Feat! Maybe someone would be interested in giving them a task!
Simply Go Exploring! There are a lot of places in Green Valley that we only dipped our toes into. You could have them head down to Stinkmarsh, or maybe climb up the cliffs of Longridge. The world (Well, the Valley) is wholly open to them.
Explore Local Legends There are lots of local legends they can look into! Hopefully they search out something that isn't too far over their heads!
Continue Working for their Patron It would be an easy DM go to simply to have them continue working for their current Patron. They've probably been impressive enough fo a family to be interested in keeping them on.
Establish Themselves as Adventurers! Maybe they want to set up a Adventurers for Hire business? This "Heroes Guild" approach is really appealing to a lot of players and absolutely plays into Bumpkin Quest. Just remember, this is a place of low key problems that locals make really big deals out of. So the idea of slaying dragons shouldn't really be on the table... that is until an actual dragon shows up! Which one day absolutely should.

Defending the Draft: Pittsburgh Steelers
Preface: Back during Week 2 of 2004, rookie QB Ben Roethlisberger entered the game after veteran Tommy Maddox left the game with an injury. What followed was 18 years of arguably the greatest QB in Steelers history up until retirement after the 2021 season. Enter Week 4 of 2022; rookie QB Kenny Pickett enters the game in the second half after a poor performance by veteran Mitchell Trubisky. How will the story proceed from here? His rookie season was a mixed bag full of rookie mistakes and flashes of brilliance that had the Steelers in the playoff hunt down to the very last week of the season. Most importantly, his growth and development over the course of the season has sparked a lot of optimism that he really could be the successor to Big Ben. As his sophomore season approaches, the front office made it a priority to set him up to succeed and to accelerate his development by bringing in talent around him. There is a lot of belief from the Steelers' Front Office that Kenny might be the guy going forward, and they acted like it with their moves during the offseason.
It started off with the highly unpopular decision of retaining OC Matt Canada for next season, citing the noticeable offensive strides that occurred toward the end of last season. It is a major gamble given how poor the offense played last year, but there is something to be said about the importance of coaching stability for a young QB. All indications since have been that the ‘training wheels’ are off from the playbook and that the team is entrusting Kenny to operate it in full. The belief is that he is ready to command and ultimately elevate the offense without limitation, and that was more important than starting over with a whole new playbook. With that squared away, the Steelers kicked off the free agency period mostly by addressing the defensive side of the ball with signings such as CB Patrick Peterson, LBs Cole Holcomb and Elandon Roberts, S Keanu Neal, and re-signing DT Larry Ogunjobi after an impressive first season with the team. Most notable, however, was the signing of OG Isaac Seumalo to upgrade on incumbent Kevin Dotson; a clear indication that the team wanted to get better up front for Kenny Pickett and keep the run game rolling like it was at the end of last season. Lastly, the Steelers made a late move right before the draft to acquire Allen Robinson from the Rams to hopefully upgrade the receiving arsenal and find much-needed stability at the WR3 position.
Heading into the draft, it was clear that the Steelers had their eyes on a potential upgrade at LT, another CB to replace the departed Cam Sutton, much-needed depth at EDGE and DT, and potentially some more weapons for the offense.
TRADE: Pittsburgh sends Picks 17 & 120 to New England for Pick 14
In his first year sitting in the General Manager chair, Omar Khan watched the board closely as a pair of offensive tackles already came off the board and the tackle-needy New York Jets sat two picks ahead of them. It just so happened that the Jets’ rival New England Patriots were sitting one pick in front of them, and had little to no qualms about letting a team move up….
Round 1, Pick 14: Broderick Jones, OT, Georgia
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Talk about making a statement during your first draft in charge. Sensing an opportunity to land one of the premier offensive tackles in this class, Omar Khan made the shrewd decision to jump up the board and secure a player they’ve had their eyes on. Now on the clock at Pick 14, the Steelers wasted no time in selecting University of Georgia’s standout LT Broderick Jones to be their expected franchise tackle. Fresh off the Bulldogs’ first national championship in over 40 years, Jones stepped in at LT for the departed Jamaree Salyer and anchored them all the way back to a consecutive national championship. There was a good bit of hype for Jones entering the season as he flashed his talents during a brief stretch as a starter due to injuries in 2021. One thing that stood out to me was a quote from Mike Tomlin that during a Pro Day dinner last draft cycle, all his Georgia teammates pointed to Broderick as someone to look out for next draft even despite his limited tape as a starter. Safe to say they weren’t lying and his 2022 tape ended up impressing Mike Tomlin. Over the course of their title-winning campaign, Jones did nothing but impress against the best the SEC had to offer and showed just how enticing of a talent he is.
So what are the Steelers getting in Broderick Jones? Two words that you love to hear from a potential NFL tackle; Nastiness & Athleticism. When watching his film, it is immediately evident that this is a violent player in both phases of the trenches. When leading the charge in the run game, Jones is looking to get out in front and put defenders in the dirt to create wide-open running lanes. His smooth movement skills in space coupled with his 6’5 311lb frame are tantalizing and it allowed Georgia to dominate with outside zone concepts. When Jones gets his hands on defenders and his legs in gear, there is almost no chance of recovery for said defender. On top of that, Broderick showed off a position-leading 4.97 40-yard dash and an even better 1.67 10-yard split at the combine which showcased just how well this man can move. Those aforementioned traits are just as apparent in pass protection with his powerful first punch and fluidity in his sets. On any given rep, Jones is looking to land a debilitating blow on pass-rushers to disrupt them right off the snap. I’ve seen him flatten unsuspecting speed rushers and stone-wall power rushers with his raw power. Even on reps where he doesn’t win initially, Jones has the foot speed to quickly recover and settle back into his set without surrendering too much ground. His profile allows him to drop deep into his kickstep and mirror even the most athletic pass-rushers he faced. With that all said, this is still a highly inexperienced player we are talking about and there is still a learning curve to overcome. He has a tendency to overset in his punch and expose his chest and his mechanics still need a lot of refinement at this stage of his career, but these are coachable flaws rather than any sort of physical limitations. From a raw tools and traits perspective, this is almost as good as it gets for a coach to work with. Keep him on his current developmental track and this is a guy with the potential to be a decade-long anchor for an NFL offense.
Broderick Jones will have the opportunity to earn the starting LT job from Day 1 in Pittsburgh. Incumbent starter Dan Moore Jr. has been a serviceable player during his first two seasons as a pro but his physical limitations and penalty propensity left a lot to be desired. The two will battle it out during training camp, but the Steelers seem excited to fast-track Jones’s development and get him reps as soon as possible. If all goes according to plan, Pittsburgh finally found their coveted answer at LT and Kenny Pickett’s much-needed blindside blocker for many years to come. Between Isaac Seumalo and now Broderick Jones, the left side of a once porous OL looks like an absolute strength. What better way to keep your young QB upright than that?
Round 2, Pick 32: Joey Porter Jr., CB, Penn State
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The top pick of the second round was acquired by the Steelers during a midseason trade that sent Chase Claypool to the Chicago Bears. Looking to upgrade their arsenal for a young Justin Fields, Chicago gambled on Claypool’s athletic upside to help elevate their offense. What followed was an 0-9 stretch to close out the season, much to the Steelers' benefit.
Joey Porter Sr. played for the Steelers from 1999 to 2006 and then coached for the team from 2014-2018. He was an emotional leader and tone-setter for the vaunted 2000s Steelers defenses. Now 17 years later after he last played for the team, his son Joey Porter Jr. will get to continue his legacy. When the first round concluded and JPJ surprisingly remained on the board, everyone and their mother connected the dots of the Steelers taking him to start Day 2. It just felt right. Numerous teams called the Steelers to try and trade up to that spot, but nothing wavered them off this opportunity. Joey Porter Jr. got the call and returned to a team where he grew up as a kid getting to be around. Both Khan and Tomlin have stated that he was a player they were looking at at pick 17 so to get him at 32 was a home run for their draft strategy. Make no mistake, this was not just some sentimental pick but rather an opportunity to land an extremely talented player at a position of dire need. JPJ is an aggressive, man-coverage CB whose goal is to jam and disrupt every route he sees. He has freakish 34” arms that allow him to wash receivers off their routes and minimize passing windows for opposing QBs. Penn State had him playing tight press-man coverage and his length and straight-line speed proved to be a nightmare for teams to throw against. The one issue that does haunt his tape is grabbiness downfield and the flags that follow. While not a liability, his hip-flip recovery can be lacking and causes him to get too handsy to try and recover. Coaching him up to be more disciplined with his hands and to trust his traits and technique will be a must for him to become more scheme diverse and avoid being picked on. However, in an older CB room that lacks man coverage-capable players on the outside, JPJ will have an immediate role where he can start with his comforted bump-and-run coverage techniques and grow from there. Given the size and speed of some of the opposing AFCN receivers, his skillset will provide huge value to a secondary that previously lacked the personnel to match up accordingly. This pick was a feel-good story on the surface, but more importantly a much-needed young player meant to spearhead a CB room overhaul throughout the coming seasons.
Round 2, Pick 49: Keeanu Benton, NT, Wisconsin
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Struggles defending the run have been a recurring issue for the Steelers' defense over the past couple of seasons. Between a lack of stoutness next to Cam Heyward upfront and poor downhill run-fitting from the linebackers, the Steelers were very prone to being run right over. Having completely overhauled the LB room in free agency with an intent on signing plus run defenders, the Steelers waited until the draft to truly address the DL. Keeanu Benton out of Wisconsin is a sorely needed infusion of young talent for an older position group. It’s not often you see a 4-year starter at Nose Tackle in college, particularly at a seniority-focused school like Wisconsin, but that’s what you’re getting in Benton. He is as experienced as they come at that position and should have no trouble seeing the NFL field right away because of it. He plays exactly as you’d expect from someone with that resume; extremely stout and reliable against the run and plays with a lot of polish to stack and shed blocks. While he aligned almost exclusively over the A-Gap in their scheme, he still showcased the quickness and power to be a legitimate penetrator as well. He had the opportunity to really show off what more he can do at the Senior Bowl in 1-on-1 drills and really caught people by surprise with just how well he could move and win those reps. His home at the next level will still be the A-Gap as he joins a familiar 3-4 scheme in Pittsburgh, but he has the talent to line up in a variety of spots across the defensive front. He will be relied upon early on to be a clog in the middle between Cam Heyward and Larry Ogunjobi but his long-term outlook might include a lot more on his plate once Cam is retired.
TRADE: Pittsburgh sends Pick 80 to Carolina for Picks 93 & 132
Having surrendered their 4th-rounder in the trade up for Broderick Jones, Omar Khan used this trade as an opportunity to regain a 4th-rounder without bailing out of the third round entirely. The Steelers had many needs and limited draft capital so regaining quantity was a must.
Round 3, Pick 93: Darnell Washington, TE, Georgia
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Sometimes talent just falls right into your lap and you just gotta take it. I don’t think the Steelers were anticipating taking a TE very early, especially after re-signing Zach Gentry a few weeks prior, but I also don’t think they expected Darnell Washington to be available at 93. Simply put, this dude is a unicorn. Standing at a towering 6’7 265lb frame, Washington plays exactly as he looks. He is on the field to mow defenders over and have no mercy doing it. Having him on the field for Georgia was essentially like having a 6th OL that would occasionally catch passes. He hits like a Mack truck and can move in space with ease. There were plays where UGA would line him up next to his (now reunited) teammate Broderick Jones and just have them get on their horse and leave poor defenders in their wake while the RBs went untouched. Plays like that are going to be absolutely beloved by Steelers fans. The scary thing with Washington is that you can easily argue that he was underused at Georgia considering he ran a 4.64 40 at the combine but only caught 28 passes over the course of the season. It made sense to have All-American talent Brock Bowers be the primary receiver while Washington did the blocking dirty work, but he showed how he could release his blocks and rip a defense for 30+ yard gains right up the seam. It’ll be a similar setup in Pittsburgh behind emerging young star Pat Freiermuth, but there is so much untapped receiving potential here with his size and athleticism that we haven’t even seen yet. The only reason he fell as far in the draft as he did was because of medical concerns with his knees, but Omar Khan has come out and said that he thinks that is totally overblown. If that proves not to be an issue, Pittsburgh found a one-of-one type player who will add to an already bolstered rushing attack. Najee Harris must be licking his chops at the thought of running behind Broderick and Darnell.
Round 4, Pick 132: Nick Herbig, OLB, Wisconsin
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If there is one thing that this draft reinforced what we already knew it’s that the Steelers really like NFL bloodlines. After signing Nate Herbig in free agency to shore up the OL depth, the Steelers ended up drafting his younger brother Nick Herbig out of Wisconsin. Now whereas Nate is a hulking 6,4 335lb guard, Nick is a slender 6’2 240lb pass-rusher who wins with his explosive get-off. Having played the unique outside linebacker role for Wisconsin just like TJ Watt did many years prior, Nick is a very versatile player who had a lot of responsibilities at Wisconsin. As a pass-rusher, Nick was on the smaller side but was very capable of beating larger tackles with quick-twitch moves and bend around the edge. He plays with a desirably high relentlessness to find his way into the backfield by any means necessary. As noted, Nick also had to play a ton in space given his role and that led him to being a quality ‘flow’ defender that can sift through commotion. There was a popular sentiment that Nick might end up transitioning to off-ball LB full time given his smaller frame and athletic profile, but the Steelers seem intent on developing him as a pass-rusher behind Watt and Alex Highsmith. He might not have the stature to hold up as a three-down player, but his pass-rushing acumen will be a noticeable boost to an extremely shallow room behind the two starters. Expect him to be rotated in often during passing situations.
Round 7, Pick 241: Cory Trice, CB, Purdue
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With no picks during Rounds 5 or 6, Pittsburgh finally got back on the clock in the middle of the 7th round. Continuing a theme of having talent fall to them, Omar Khan double dipped on the CB position with Cory Trice out of Purdue. Trice is an imposing 6’3 205lb corner with legitimate change of direction and pressing skills. He knows how to use his size to his advantage and can legitimately mirror even the most precise route runners he faced. He has experience with both man and zone coverage concepts which will be an asset in Pittsburgh’s diverse coverage scheme. On top of that, Trice is a willing participant in run defense as he looks to shed blocks from receivers and trigger downhill on the ball carrier with his size. The only reason a player this talented was still on the board this late was because of a laundry list of medical concerns. Having suffered a season-ending ACL tear in 2021, Trice returned in 2022 but was limited by a knee brace that ended up causing a groin injury to develop. He was flagged at the combine for his injury history but still managed to impress with a 4.47 40-yard dash and 6.7 3-cone drill. Many teams likely took him off their board due to long-term concerns but Pittsburgh was willing to roll the dice on his upside if he stays healthy. Leaving the draft with two talented young corners could end up completely reinvigorating their secondary.
Round 7, Pick 251: Spencer Anderson, IOL, Maryland
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To round out their draft class, Omar Khan wrapped things up with the versatile Spencer Anderson out of Maryland. During his college career, Anderson got starts at all five positions along the offensive line. Mike Tomlin tends to value ‘swing versatility’ along his OLs so the idea of a super versatile piece like this could be enticing. Anderson is an intelligent and technically sound blocker who knows how to explode off the snap and hit his landmarks. He is not a particularly fluid mover but he knows how to work angles and positioning from all different alignments. I expect him to get a primary opportunity at Center for the Steelers given the complete lack of options behind starter Mason Cole, but his versatility will be his calling card to earn a roster spot.
Notable UDFAs:
Monte Pottebaum, FB, Iowa: Safe to say that a fullback with a long-haired mullet is going to be a training camp fan favorite among yinzer faithful. Previous fullback Derek Watt was not re-signed this offseason after limited usage over his tenure so an opening exists at that position if they are still looking to use it. Watt made his money primarily on special teams so Monte will have to show the same capabilities in order to make the team, but he has the luxury of being the only FB skillset currently on roster.
David Perales, EDGE, Fresno State: Every summer it seems like a UDFA pass-rusher picks up some steam as a potential roster addition for the Steelers. The player that fills the bill this year is the bulky and bendy David Perales. OLB depth is less of an immediate need with the recent signing of Markus Golden, but this is still a thin room. If Perales can show enough special teams value and pass-rushing upside, he might stick around as the fifth OLB.
Roster Prediction:
QB: (3) Kenny Pickett, Mitchell Trubisky, Mason Rudolph
RB: (3) Najee Harris, Jaylen Warren, Anthony McFarland Jr.
WR: (6) Diontae Johnson, George Pickens, Allen Robinson, Calvin Austin III, Hakeem Butler, Miles Boykin
TE: (4) Pat Freiermuth, Darnell Washington, Zach Gentry, Connor Heyward (HB)
OT: (4) Broderick Jones, Chukwuma Okorafor, Dan Moore Jr., Le’Raven Clark
IOL: (5) Isaac Seumalo, James Daniels, Mason Cole, Nate Herbig, Kevin Dotson
IDL: (6) Cameron Heyward, Larry Ogunjobi, Keeanu Benton, DeMarvin Leal, Montravius Adams, Breiden Fehoko
OLB: (4) TJ Watt, Alex Highsmith, Markus Golden, Nick Herbig
ILB: (4) Cole Holcomb, Elandon Roberts, Mark Robison, Tanner Muse,
CB: (6) Patrick Peterson, Levi Wallace, Chandon Sullivan, Joey Porter Jr., Cory Trice, James Pierre
SAF: (5) Minkah Fitzpatrick, Keanu Neal, Damontae Kazee, Tre Norwood, Miles Killebrew
ST: (3) Chris Boswell (K), Pressley Harvin III (P), Christian Kuntz (LS)
Future Needs:
Inside Linebacker: The single most glaring deficiency on the current roster is inside linebacker. The Steelers let Devin Bush, Myles Jack, and Robert Spillane all walk in free agency in favor of signing Cole Holcomb and Elandon Roberts. While those two players have nice complementary skill sets, neither is someone you’d hang your hat on as the top talent in the LB room, especially in coverage. It’s been over five years since Ryan Shazier’s career-ending injury and the Steelers have still not found an answer in the middle of their defense. Finding a true three-down backer who can make plays against the run and drop back into coverage is a must, as hard as that may be.
Slot Cornerback: If both Joey Porter Jr. and Cory Trice pan out like their talent indicates, the Steelers might have found their future at outside CB in one draft. However, one spot in the secondary they really didn’t find an answer was in the slot. Chandon Sullivan was signed as a one-year stop-gap to replace Arthur Maulet, and Patrick Peterson might get some run in the slot, but a long-term option does not exist here. Finding a slot-specific skill set would help cover up the other major deficiency on defense.
Wide Receiver: There are currently a lot of unknowns in the Steelers war room. Will Diontae Johnson bounce back in 2023? Can George Pickens develop more routes to his game? Does Allen Robinson have anything left? What will Calvin Austin look like after missing his entire rookie season? This is a talented room shrouded with a ton of uncertainty, so reinforcements might be necessary on the soon horizon. It is never a bad idea to surround a young QB with even more weapons.
Final Thoughts: Fans and pundits all agree; this was a home run first draft for new GM Omar Khan. Declaring ‘winners and losers’ right after the draft is often a fickle exercise but it is hard to ignore all the value that was obtained at each pick. Finally landing a much-needed upgrade at LT made this draft a win by itself, but adding highly regarded prospects at almost all of the other major pre-draft needs made this a class to truly get excited for. Pittsburgh found players that can contribute right away and may end up being future cornerstones at their respective position groups. If nothing else, fans can leave the draft with a feeling that the Steelers are in good hands with Khan in charge. His understanding of how and when to address critical roster needs, and his willingness to maneuver the board in doing so, deserves a lot of praise and optimism. The Kenny Pickett era is officially underway, and it is draft classes such as this that will help shape it into a success.

I’ve lived in my car (or out of a tent or a friends couch ) on and off for almost 20 years. Assuming you’re wanting life to get better rapidly you’re not tryna be a hippy, and you’re wanting to stay in America. I will tell you exactly how to get by, and if you do it you’ll be better off, at least financially, and amazons a great way to do it if you don’t have much support, so we’re gonna stick with Amazon route for now.
During winter you work 3rd shift so you don’t freeze, during summer you work day shift. They’ve both got drawbacks.
Power! Buy a solar panel kit from harbor freight or northern tool or amazon, whatever the best deal is at the time. 100-200watts and 35-70wh is all you need (my 110watt panel, 35ah battery, and charge controller with 300watt inverter setup was roughly 200$ total and basically all you need for phone, some light vr gaming, charge your toothbrush and fan whatever) also get a battery jumper box from Walmart, just for something to charge on cloudy days and incase you’ve had to run car for something.
Temp, hot hands and cheap rated sleeping bag in the winter got me thru -25* , and I’m using a small usb fan with heat blocking window curtains and those rain guards on windows to leave them cracked in summer (it’s still unbearable in the afternoon if not in shade, I have an amc movie pass, a library pass, a planet fitness membership, and I wander around book stores or grocery stores or the mall a lot, and in winter you run the car a few minutes every couple hours.) you’ll get window fog, try to keep a window cracked to help with this, moisture is bad and also not very stealthy. Also a front sun shade.
Stealth. Everyone hates the poors now, as I said I have curtains for side windows, which I’ve taped around the edges to keep light from leaking out, stay off phone as far as talking goes, use earbuds, hopefully car doesn’t look too shitty, but never leave trash or laundry built up or around you on the ground. Have a piss bottle you change regularly. I use planet fitness to park, hospitals, camp grounds, truck stops, Walmarts but they’re iffy, paid garages, quiet streets, friends lots, whatever. When working amazon make sure to choose a fc, big parking lots so you’re less noticeable. Stay out of the way, but not too far out of the way. The idea is to blend in. Change parking spots nightly if you can, and also don’t just recycle the same order weekly. Diversify at least the part of the same lot you use. Also remember if you sleep at work, don’t be sitting there for hours before or after that with door open Just hanging out.
Food. I keep some small dry goods with me, you can get cheap camp stoves if you’re staying in the woods a lot, but way easier to use all the apps to get discounts at restaurants. The best $ wise is using amazons fridges and microwaves and free coffee tea etc. just make sure to label and rotate your food appropriately. Always keep water on you, and take a multivitamin.
Health. Sleep flat, with your shoes n socks off, your teeth brushed, after a shower and massage from Planet fitness or a $15 one from truck stop (go in with a book bag on, mention you’re annoyed they cost $ when a truckers in line and they might pay) . Take your multivitamin and drink water. Do your absolute best to sleep fully. Keep your dirty clothes washed regularly and in a bag till then, spray your boots, cars a small space to be smelly. Dog couch spray from dollar store helps. Wash your bedding. Make a bed platform in back to lay down if ya can. Vacuum and wash car when ya can. Wipe down living areas with cleaning wipes. Again small space. Wipe your a pits bs toes etc with baby wipes if you’re sweaty before/after shower. Use amazons insurance to get any necessary vaccines , glasses, mental health services, whatever you need to function. Chronic problems are draining. Try to eat salad kits not just Big Macs. Try to read a book and relax, or have a fun tinder hookup at their place. Stress kills.
$. Amazon has sign on bonuses, I regularly use. 90days from quitting can reapply, first half at 30 second half at 90 or 180 days, this can get you anywhere from 1-5k. They’ve got met. And vet a lot of places. Cross train. Learning, safety, hr, it, loss prevention. But also problem solve, pg, whatever. The more colors on your vest the less real work you do and the more varied work you can do and the more opportunity for advancement. Of course all this is dependent on you being full time blue badge, we’re again committing to an amazon way here. Do Not contribute to 401k, do choose your other benefits wisely. (Also do have your anytime Pay setup incase of emergency, but we’re tryna save, control your spending) only use pto or vacation or upt when sick or emergency. Use all the rewards programs. No load of laundry or gas tank filled without rewards. Maintenance. Keep your tires full and your oil and other fluids good. Use straight talk or mint Mobil with a Walmart phone, sub 50$ a month for phone is our goal, or the gov connectivity programs (free or reduced cost phone or wifi ) Hotels are only for holidays or when you’re sick. You’re wanting money, get it. use career choice…
Plan. So with career choice, pick a job that pays that you can probably do. Cdl, dental hygienist, it, it literally doesn’t matter. Every real job they offer is going to pay enough somewhere for you to afford rent after. Yes amazons going to fuck your schooling schedule accommodations around peak, especially since you’ve made yourself valuable. Deal with it. Career choice kicks in at 90days now. Then the programs take from like two months to 2 years. Pick a program that makes sense long term for your time, $, effort, schedule, ability etc. be realistic with yourself for your capabilities and goals when choosing. (Also 2 years experience makes you eligible to apply to L4 spots at amazon) It’s not one long week, it’s 1.5 years. It’s gonna suck. But you can do it, probably. It’s just really, really, really annoying.
Reality. So don’t waste your time with any other bs programs or excuses. Don’t give up halfway thru for a partner. Pray your presumably garbage car lasts that whole time and your health does also. Love yourself. Clock in five minutes early and late every day if you’re not on 12s, clock out for lunch after your 6th hour if you can choose your own time, do vet whenever if you’re able. You’re going to work 60-80hr weeks for the next 1-2 years (including school time) everything’s gonna seem like way too much, for too little reward, and it’s gonna seem unfair and crazy you make Amazon a million dollars and can barely afford car insurance… and I’m not debating that. But if you stick with it, barring a terrible accident or whatever and acknowledging you’ve got a car to get around (or can make a shelter and bus route or tent and Uber or scooter) work , at the end of the 1-2 years, you’ll be in a job that’s presumably better than a warehouse floor, and 3-6 months after that you’ll have enough $ saved with enough coming in to be a functional lower middle class American. Congrats you broke the poverty cycle.

Just feeling frustrated and need to vent.
My husband works very hard and does a ton around the house, including basically all of the cooking. But he gets antsy with too much time holding the baby because he has a hard time not being able to get all the household tasks done that he wants to get done (welcome to my world/mountains of laundry).
Side note: it’s also annoying because though he does a lot around the house, there are certain basic tasks he just seems oblivious to, because he doesn’t really care if they get done.ֶ So while he’s kind of a maniac about doing every dish as soon as it’s dirty, he leaves his mail and empty containers everywhere, and the mountain of laundry grows taller every week.
My in-laws live very close by and were so over-the-moon about the baby. They just couldn’t wait to babysit! In six months, they’ve babysat twice. I feel like a jerk expecting anything, but what’s truly bad is they keep saying they’re going to come over on specific days and then flaking out, or they’ll come by for fifteen minutes to coo over and play with the baby, and then they’ll peace out.
My husband and I fortunate enough to be able to hire a nanny, so my working hours are covered. I might be being irrational (feel free to tell me if so) because I’m kind of burnt out, but I’ve been a little annoyed with the nanny lately. Here’s the situation:
My daughter is generally a pretty chill and happy baby. A few weeks ago, the nanny said she was basically happy all the time. Now it seems like she’s teething, so she’s having some fussier spells.
When I get home, I feel like the nanny immediately needs to tell me every moment of the day that was bad. I get letting me know if the baby’s been fussier or if certain things were setting her off, but it feels more like complaining than giving me information. Today was she was like “I tried to take her to a coffee shop so I could get a muffin but I had to take my muffin to-go because she was crying so much.” And then about how she had to split up washing the bottles because my daughter wanted to be held so she couldn’t get everything washed at once.
It just felt like she needed me to know how annoying it was for her, and while I absolutely respect that the job is hard and don’t want to be unreasonable, it just feels like more piled onto the mental burdens of being a mother. Now I’m supposed to stress because the person I’m paying to care for my child has to eat a muffin at my house instead of a cafe (I don’t mean to be so snarky—I think I’m just burnt out).
I also felt like she needed me to apologize for my daughter. I’ve tried to be very careful with how I communicate around these things. I was always taught to apologize for my feelings and I don’t want my daughter to be trained in that same way. I don’t think she should have to be sorry that she’s teething and in pain and emotional, and while she probably won’t understand if I did apologize on her behalf in front of her, I don’t want to create a habit that I have to break when she does understand more of what’s going on. So I wonder if I come off as rude because I don’t say “I’m so sorry about that.” I might say “I’m sorry to hear that,” just because the nanny looks at me so expectantly, but I mean more that I’m sorry everyone was having a bad time, not that my daughter was upset (if that distinction makes sense to anyone).
I was hoping paying someone for childcare would make me feel less guilty or stressed by the time they were having with my kid, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. I dunno, maybe it’s rude or out-of-touch, but I wish she’d pretend to like my kid more, and not just when my kid is all smiles.
My baby is great, but she’s still a baby, so she’s still going to be challenging at times. I feel like everyone feels compelled to tell me all the ways they’re challenged by time with her (Muffin Gate, my husband not getting to do chores the way he likes to, my in-laws being invited to do things that conflict with promised babysitting time) which then makes me feel more isolated on this island where it’s just me and my baby.
And sometimes I just want a little time to myself without guilt. I know part of that is on me because my husband will take her. It’s just knowing that he doesn’t always like to feels like a mental burden that prevents me from always enjoying my time by myself. I’m slowly getting better, but I wish things felt better and I wish more people did what they said they were going to do.

you know my favorite Marvel What If comic is #19 of the original run. it's a story that tells what if Peter Parker with his Spider-Man persona hadn't become a crime fighter but continued wrestling and he clicked to become prominent and famous. that's actually quite interesting to really see the contrast that Peter went through. I mean have you seen him in amazing fantasy 15? I mean really he's really there after the bite her in the direction I want to show it the schoolyard bullies, and quite immature on top of that, only that with his uncle gave him some self-reflection that he shouldn't use his powers for himself. and as I said it's fascinating to see what would have happened if he hadn't gotten that self-reflection, as it's also really interesting to see that he's acting quite childish there too. and I think that's one thing that I find kind of fascinating that you have a person who has kind of toxic streaks but yet you've fought them to become a better person.
and I think that's just one of the things that many unfortunately still have in their heads, that people with their bad qualities always act actively and consciously. but often it's just that many don't check it or don't want to check it, that they also say, think and act quite questionable things.
and I think the best comic that sort of dissects that thinking is Scott Pilgrim vs the world. and I have to talk about the differences between the film and I know what it's like to criticize this film even if I'm right that the comic clearly goes further. and best embodied with technically one of my favorite evil ex Lucas Lee. Anyone who only knows the movies knows he threw Scott into a clock tower (where the universe says he probably deserved it) and that he beat himself because he's not good at grinds. in the comic version it's a bit more complicated. basically it's a whole deconstruction on the nerd vs jock trope. because after Lukas Scott gave a crash course in architecture, they took a break. the two of them sitting on a bench and suddenly starting to get a conversation. and then slowly dissolves then on the masks and the roles that play. I mean you really get the feeling in another timeline maybe they could have even been friends. I mean heck, the way it happened with the self knockout with the skateboard wasn't a trick, scott just wanted to be nice because Lukas himself was an avid skater but hasn't done it in years. and in general it is treated more like a victory in history that he didn't even deserve. That's generally the problem I have with the film, that I don't think it really goes into it any more deeply, the construction of the cliché from loser to winner. precisely because a lot of elements also fall out about Scott, e.g. the whole thing with Kim, or is it actually his own fault that the relationship with Envy is a fiasco and that she even tells him to his face that he is emotional packages on others, oh yeah and the whole Lisa thing that was completely cut from the movie where he beat up someone who was flirting with her even though they weren't in a romantic relationship.
and while you're talking about people who lack self-reflection at a dangerous level, let's get to joe hill the cape. the story revolves around Eric who got into a pretty bad accident when he was eight years old while playing superheroes with his brother, the thing is he claimed the cape he was wearing really made him fly. but of course his mother and brother didn't really believe in it at first. Years went by somehow he's so common some are successful like Erik's brother and others are just like Erik. and at the very end he suddenly finds in his mother's basement the cape that she actually locked away for years after his accident. and lo and behold it was no imagination that he could fly with it. and with that power, one thing had decided to take revenge and killed his ex. then you know that's kind of like a horror story that's particularly mienna, why? because I was in a situation like Eric myself, I looked at myself like a loser out of nothing and was just jealous as well as almost everyone, I mean heck I can even draw a parallel to it because Erik's brother Nick is studying and Unfortunately, he doesn't have the opportunity to do so, which is also the case with me. The thing is I've managed to sort of outgrow it and even now have a pretty solid relationship with my brother, I mean he lives in my apartment and takes care of my cat when I have to go to the vocational training center. and that's exactly what I want to see more of, where you can really ask yourself hey isn't the badguy somehow me? you already know the fear of a thing you can be. because the thing is Erik never got away from his accident and the loss of his cancer, he only defined himself with it you can almost say it's a gimmick and if you just limit yourself with it as a person clearly he doesn't have much space to grow. it's just really fitting about the capture boxes spoken by Nick that he says that back when he was always playing with his brother Erik he was the villain because there always had to be one for Erik. and that's something I just can't outgrow, someone must be to blame for his misery. he has a victim mentality that he mostly uses to justify his shit and that's a thing you often see in nerds trying to cover up for their toxic behavior.
but what if i realize my toxic properties early on? Well, I have to say that starting early is important, but it doesn't mean that you haven't caused any damage that you have to live with. Sentinel was one of the titles that was part of the Mavel Next imprint, and my god it came out 20 years ago but it feels more modern than you think. Basically it's about Justin, a normal loose high schooler in the middle states who lives in his father's junkyard with his brother. and then he finds the remains of one of the eponymous giant robots from the Marvel Universe, which he begins to repair out of curiosity. and it's actually interesting because you really dig into the psyche of someone who has to realize they're not perfect, and believe me youngsters always have a hard time with that. I mean if you really really love this comic you really feel like you are actually reading something about a normal teenager struggling with his status and schoolyard bully. and then he cries himself out the giant robot that repairs after.The two most important points of the first Story Ark is, I don't think anyone knows something that makes this comic somehow so modern. in the story, justin develops a friendship with a girl who sees this relationship as just a friendship and he almost destroyed her for telling around he had sex with her, proving people a technic don't have a plan of people. oh yes, and that he uses the completed Sentinel to make himself look like a hero. he ordered the giant robot to pretend to attack the high school and he then hit his metal friend in the shin with a car and then he disappeared because of it. the thing is just like that justin doesn't really feel like a hero just because of that, i mean you traumatized a town and the guy that has been tormenting you most of the time is now technically in a mental hospital for the trauma, yeah no wonder you doesn't feel like a real hero if none of this is true or deserved. and I don't want to spoiler about it on how it goes because that's when it starts out like he's really really trying to do good and be a hero but like I said the damage is done and you have to live with him now. It works I think because you just really get the feeling a lot of teenagers, if not yourself, would do shit like that because they just don't know any better. and then crashing full force against the wall called reality. the thing is, toxic properties are mostly in people and only become apparent when they're released or have room to grow. and realizing that you have them is always a painful experience when you have to admit to yourself things you don't want.
and these are three comics that I think do a pretty good job of picking apart toxic nerd behavior, or some form of it. the self righteousness. and if you don't get it wrong, that's actually very important and it's even a breeding ground for many things, I mean the three examples I mentioned there also act about guys who somehow also have a problem with women. although I have to say maybe a story in general that deals directly with sexism in nerd circles is also important.
but other things are also important, e.g. racism and homophobia. I mean have you ever been in a lobby of the popular multiplayer game? I mean the hatred to people of color or LBGTQ representation in works of art eho bach them ware normally heteronorm is terrifying. I mean from people who say I was bullied in the schoolyard because I liked XY, it's ironic when they start attacking others themselves. I mean just because you've experienced shit yourself doesn't mean you should inflict it on others.
but we can also pull out the Marxist lens and deconstruct the pro-capitalist side of some creeps. I mean, from guys demanding that something go bankrupt just because it has diversity in it, to people spreading anti-union sentiment in the entertainment industry. I mean heck we can even take apart the Tech Bro Utopia which is actually more of a dystopia of white sausage libertarian partying.
I mean heck, from all the bullshit I get from the Gamer™️ site you could make a mark Russell comic series about of it, that's how f******* some of them are missing selfsreflection.
but do you say? what are works that come to your mind that deal with the? what else needs to be treated?

Hope everyone had a great holiday weekend!
I actually wrote up a post right after the 4th palace. Then I played a bit and they dropped so much more info that I had to toss it. Tomorrow is the trip to Hawaii so I thought this was a good point to stop and make another round of predictions.
The 4th palace is my favorite so far. There was so much symbolism to look into and I really liked the whole cursed gem bit. The end boss was a little annoying.
Things are really picking up pace. I had so many questions that were answered like 20 min later. They're really starting reveal some important details.
This is what I have as of now. In addition to my way off predictions there are also a few bits of info I'm that I'm not sure how they fit yet and some general impressions. I tried to keep it short (I failed).
Please no spoilers for any of the Persona games. This is my first and I plan on picking up 3/4.
After Palace 1 predictions : https://www.reddit.com/Persona5/comments/13odesi/first_time_playing_going_in_blind_my_horribly/
After Palace 2 prediction : https://www.reddit.com/Persona5/comments/13q3q9j/first_time_playing_going_in_blind_just_beat_the/
After Palace 3 predictions: https://www.reddit.com/Persona5/comments/13sl0vp/first_time_playing_going_in_blind_just_beat_the/
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Futaba/Alibaba and somehow Morgana

• The squid girl from the movie finally gets a name.
• Futaba's mom is the curry lady (Wakaba)!
• the phone call Sojiro had about a printer not being the right one makes soooo much sense now. I knew he was taking care of someone but I thought it was an old lady. Honestly thought there were going for a cheap laugh were she kept on printing out pictures of snowball or something.
• translated some of the binary on the walls of her palace into ASCII looking for a secret message but they were just the same odd symbols that were on the doors and such.

---tinfoil hat time---

• Futaba picked Alibaba as her hacker alias. before we get to see the whole Egypt / pyramid theme of her palace it seemed like a really odd choice.
• It could be just a cool name that the writers picked but "Chekhov's gun" states that every element introduced in a story should be necessary to the plot. If the gun isn't going to be fired then the audience doesn't need to see it being loaded - or something like that.
• It got me thinking and for sure I remembered the name Alibaba but had forgotten the details of the story. I did a quick search and was able to find the story pretty easily.
• Short version : Alibaba was a dude who stole a bunch of riches from some thieves. Alibaba is living the good life when the thieves track him down and make plans to kill him. The plans are stopped by Alibaba's slave who kills the thieves.
• Alibaba's slave was named .... wait for it .... Morgiana! Mind effing blown! That's way too similar to Morgana not to be important.
• Morgiana was female. Early in the game Ann ask Morgana if it's a boy or a girl. It says of course it's a boy, but it also says that it is human.Morgana might be the Male version of Morgiana but this throws it's gender into question too. It's not like anyone had checked between it's legs as far as I can tell. (also where does it do it's business I haven't seen a litter box).
• Add to this the "birth" flashback that Morgana had
• Morgana is an unwilling servant (aka a slave) to the big bad which is trapped in the deepest part of mementos
• The big bad was able to squeeze through the crack in his prison just enough to deposit a small amount of it's power in the metaverse this power took the form of Morgana.
• The Morgana in the dream had yellow eyes. still going with yellow eyes = metaverse native.
• He was programmed to want to find the deepest part of Mementos at all cost so he could free the big bad.
• His attraction to human desires was not intentional. He got sidetracked from his mission and got caught by Kamoshida.
• Meeting joker was a stroke of luck.
• He keeps telling us that he's using us for his own goals and that he just needs pawns.
• We're made to think that this is just a defensive move to avoid talking about his real feelings but I see a perfect opportunity for a "I told you I was just using you all" scene after the big bad flips some switch later on.
• Most of Morgana's battle functions are getting replaced by other members. Makoto and Futba are both doing the combat calls now. Morgana will leave the party soon.
• Something will happen to Morgana that will flip his switch while the PT are in Hawaii
• Morgiana killed the thieves.... The big bad will take control of Morgana at one point and we will have to fight shadow Morgana or something to get the cat back.
• Was almost thinking Morgana could be the one who betrays us but no one can understand him and even Akechi would have trouble selling the whole "my informant is a cat" thing to Sae.

Kasumi

• A big problem with Kasumi is we know shes going to be a badass by the time the casino heist comes around but right now she's the complete opposite of the person who saves Joker. This isn't like Makoto who is a bad ass and was just holding back. Kasumi is 100% a wet noodle right now.
• Add to that the my weak self relied on you so much line and there is little doubt she has a split personality disorder of some sort.
• They also dropped a major clue for Kasumi after the 3rd palace. She had a sister who died.
• My fist thought was she never had a sister and just had two distinct personalities that were separate but equal to each other. Each would take control at different points and her mind created a fake sister to explain any inconsistencies with her memories. At some point one of her personalities (the sister) was repressed.
• The problem with this is her interactions with joker she doesn't seem like a totally different person just more sure of herself. like her week self is the Kasumi we know now and her complete self is the one we fight with.
• She could have really had a sister and the trauma of the loss sent her into a downward spiral of depression. So *someone* did something to her to repress the negative emotions.
• Her gymnastic slump is important. what ever was done to her was the cause of her slump. Shes missing something of herself which is why she says that her body doesn't move the way she wants it to.
• Current theory is some part of her is locked away. It's not separate, but a piece of the whole person that we fight along side with at the casino. At some point between now and then her two halves will join.
• This brings up the question of what's up with her dad? Unless your some sort bad person wouldn't you notice such a drastic change in your kid?
• Either dad works for the government and was ok experimenting on Kasumi or he somehow thinks whatever was done to her was for the best . Like her current state is better than what was before so this is the cure.
• explains why she transferred schools. He dad claims to work at a TV station (could be a cover). It's not like he would have to move for a new job. If she had a major personality change then her old classmates and teachers would notice. this would cause Kasumi to question her reality which could cause it to fail. moving to a new school removes this issue.
• This would have to go above standard therapy. Either hypnosis or cognitive psience.
• something is going to happen to her dad. we got the glasses shopping scene to show us how close they are. This will be her motivation for going into the metaverse.
• when her persona awakens the mental barrier will be taken down.
• She only has a 5 star confidant rank. It's not like Maruki who still has his card symbol but won't advance till the story does.
• The other 5 starts will be with her "other" personality. After whatever was done to her is undone she's going to be a mess and will turn to Joker.
• something will happen to her while we are in Hawaii. Only reason for her to let us know she was leaving the country of a bit. she might not actually be leaving the country and just be having more mental work done on her.

Maruki

• He want's to legit help people.
• Thinks that traditional therapy is not effective enough. Want to develop a medicine or medical procedure to actually fix people's negative emotions.
• with the introduction of cognative psience we now know the method that he's going to use to attempt this. (could be he already did a test run or two).
• Although his intentions are good things are going to wrong very very wrong.
• After the 2nd exams he talks to joker about not meeting peoples expectations. This comes right after some girls were gossiping about Kasumi in the halls.
• Total misdirection. Since the phantom thieves are making all sorts of waves, the Agency is putting pressure on him to complete his research. This will lead to mistakes being made.
• Eventually his logic will change to "It's better to feel nothing than to feel pain" - this will be his I still think I'm a good guy logic.
• Unless he is also a persona user then were going to visit his palace.
• The first time Joker goes to see Maruki he runs into Kasumi and she tells Joker that she has been seeing Maruki for some time.
• Add to that the line Sae's Boss says on 6/23 "This incident happened at the school you're supposed to be presiding over..." and we have a clear connection from Sae's Boss to the principle at Joker's school.
• He also seemed to be bothered that the Kamoshisa change of heart happened at Shujin like he was aware that something special was going on there.
• This set off all the alarms. The new girl who happens to be a badass persona user transfers to the school and a month later her doctor gets assigned to the very same school. He was hired by the principal who just happens to work for Sae's boss. Sae's boss knows of the metaverse and so does Maruki.
• Maruki was assigned to Kasumi's school to keep tabs on her and make sure whatever he did to her stuck. The Kamoshida incident was just the excuse they needed to bring him in.
• He either developed cognitive psience on his own or was giving Wakaba's research by the Agency.

Akechi

• he has to be the one who betrays the group.
• Keeps putting idea's in Sae's head
• At some point Sae will catch on that Akechi is messing with her.
• working with Shido but not for him. Has his own goals or works for the big bad.
• says he has to catch the PT "for the sake of my justice" combine that with the arcade scene where he ask joker what kind of justice he believes in and Akechi is def bad. He's not after "justice" but "my justice" which sounds a lot like revenge. Has something to do with his father. If the PT crew keep operating they're going to ruin his chance for revenge.
• He will frame the PT by sending a fake calling card and then killing that persons shadow.

Twins / Butterfly Lady

• The number of new confidants that unlock after the 3rd palace was a bit overwhelming but It did give me plenty of chances to watch the new confidant unlock scenes. It got me thinking about what it actually says. Just picked the fortune confidant for this but any would have worked.
• I am thou, thou art I - we are one and the same
• thou hast acquired a new vow. - you just unlocked a new confidant. to quote Jose "Good Job!"
• It shall become the wings of rebellion that breaketh thy chains of captivity. - butterflies have wings also still talking about Joker "thy chains of captivity". We are like a caterpillar and when we obtain out true power we will become a butterfly (not literally). the chains could be a the cocoon that the butterfly breaks out of.
• With the birth of the Fortune Persona I have obtained the winds of blessing that - creatures with wings (like a butterfly) ride the wind. Is now referring to herself in this line "I have obtained..."
• shall lead to freedom and new power..." - It's over 9000!
• The butterfly lady is our persona or at the very least out power levels are connected.
• Part of the butterfly lady's power is sealed in joker. Was not intentional but will be the key to rejoining the twins.
• When there is a fusion alarm the twins do this adorable back stretch where one kicks her legs. They then do this weird like side stretch that looks like the fusion dance from Dragon Ball Z.

Igor

• Not working for the thing that made Morgana.
• Morgana had no knowledge of the skill cards and his mind exploded when joker captured the pixie.
• Even though he's not bad he's still not good.
• Has some cosmic role to fill. His job is to prepare for the final battle. He doesn't care who wins just as long as the fight occurs.
• Gave Akechi the metaverse nav but Akechi betrayed him and went rogue which is why he went looking for a new recruit. He took on the twins after so the same mistakes wouldn't be make with joker.
• Says joker will fight someone with powers very similar to his (jokers) own. Akechi has the wildcard too?

Sojiro

• For the record Joker defended him and never once thought he was abusing Futaba.
• Met Wakaba when he worked for the government.
• Feels guilty that he didn't do anything when she said she was going to die. Was he in a position to do so? What did he do for the government?
• After Wakaba was killed he suspected his own government were behind it and left in disgust.
• Sojiro is just awesome. He would take a bullet for any of Joker's friends and die happy knowing he saved someones life.
• He will be the getaway driver after the PT crew breaks joker out. He's the only person we know with a car.

Sae's Boss / Shido

• They refer to it as the metaverse and not the cognitive world. could be the writers just didn't want to add a new term without context or they gained their knowledge of the metaverse from an "other worldly" being.

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Limo Girl.

• Is in the opening movie both the heist scene and the smash the city part. Will be joining up.
• Ran in to her in the hall at the star of the game she was labeled as a senior
• Riding in a limo. daddy is loaded.
• At the park cleanup she asked Mishima for the bottle cap so they can be used for medicine. She is seen watering flowers at the school also. What we should take away from this is she's a really good person. We need to know see that she's super duper good because her dad is bad like really bad.
• daddy's money is dirty money and she knows it or at least suspects.
• We will change daddy's heart and make him admit his evil ways.
• Her dad is the Shido.
• We don't know when she's going to join up or if the casino heist is her first. Stealing her dad's heart will prob be her first mission so the fact that shes on the comm at the start of the game isn't too much of a problem with her dad being Shido.

Opening Casino Heist

• on 7/29 Morgana says "But it's true that an observant criminal could have a true to reality city in their Palace."
• The opening casino heist wasn't in the real world but was Shido's palace. His palace just included a 1:1 of the city in it. He also says in the scene at the start of the game where joker has a flashback that he owns the cops. Would make sense that the shadows in his cognition would take the form of the police and security guards. The 2nd palace had two types of shadows (male and female) and the 3rd/4th had people/dogs. Multiple types of shadows is not unheard of
• Also looks like we did manage to steal his treasure but not sure if they were able to get it out.
• We don't actually see joker get taken in by the cops. It's possible that the traitor grabbed us after the shadow cops took us down and turned us in to the real world cops. Doesn't mean the world's can't be merging but my reasoning for it is off.
• One thing that bothers me is when they ask if everyone remembers where they have to meet up. Why was joker separate from the rest of the PT? The PT all leave the metaverse together so far. Could just mean where they're going to meet up near the exit (if there is an exit with the palace being the whole city). Hoping for more clues to clarify this.

Mashima

• not going to betray us. he almost fell to the dark side and I haven't seen the conclusion of his story but seems like he's not going to an issue.

​
Best Girl current rankings - Nothing is set yet no decisions have been made just the current rankings.

• Makoto - the scene where the lights go out and she grabs jokers leg just made her more endearing. Her driving skills saved the crew after Palace 4. Could beat Kamoshisa in 1v1 volley ball.
• Futba - who doesn't like a quirky redhead. Her being Boss's adopted daughter could be a good thing as he seems to like Joker at this point in the story so he wouldn't have to give him the whole "let me show you my gun collection" talk. Although I'm thinking shes more like the quirky best friend type then best girl material (so sorry Fatuba Fans plesedonthateme)
• Dr.Death - shes a doctor who really cares about her work. Cares more about helping the little girl then getting the credit for it. She basicly broke down when she thought the girl was dead. Also SP Adhesives are amazing.
• Kasami - 100% little sister vibe while Futaba has potential to move up in rank Kasami is stuck in the sister zone. Who knows maybe her "sister" is more interesting.
• Fortune teller- Still a nice person despite the way she was treated. A but gullible though. I could see her sending all of Joker's savings to a Nigerian prince.
• Chess Girl (I know it's not chess) - mid tier maybe she well get more interesting.
• Ann - Not even in the running really because She's going to end up with Ryuji. If Ryuji wasn't around I would say shes not the bightest bulb in the pack. shes not dumb and seems to at least have passed her exams but we have honor student Makoto and super genius Futaba to compare her to. She is empathetic and has a high emotional intelligence. No way shes going to make it as an Actress with her (lack of) skills I cringe every time she tries. She would make a great councilor though with how she relates to people and to seems to be able to get along with everyone. She could also make it in professional sports with how high she was able to throw Mona after the 4th palace.
• Kawakami - Yes she's ranked lower than someone who is not even in the running. First off she lied about her sister WTF! She just seems like a mess. Her clothes don't fit and her hair is never brushed. She is stuck in "the help" tier. Keep her around for laundry and coffee.

Best Bro current rankings.

• Ryuji - dude is our bro 100% He's the bad influence with a heart of gold and will stick with Joker to the end. He's the Ron Weasley to Joker's Harry Potter. He would be the most fun to go drinking with.
• Yusuke - you will only ever be his 2nd best friend. His true loyalty lies with art. If Joker was hanging off the side of a cliff and Yusuke had to make the decision to save Joker or paint the perfect sunset it would be a real nail biter to see what he decides.
• Mishima- Once he gets over himself he's going to be fine. He's like a more wimpy less fun Ryuji.
• Akechi - he's too full of himself. He always like "ugh I'm just sooooo popular I can't do the little people things like you do" Hanging out with him you would only ever be "Akechi's friend". His sweater vest is dumb.

Best Kitty current rankings.

• Snowball - he didn't deserve to go out like that.
• Morgana - is a spy and slave of the big bad. Also needs stop hitting on Ryuji's girl.

Welcome to Green Valley

Four Merry Jaunts Through the Bumpkin Quest Campaign

CHAPTER 1: Green Tide Spring Cleaning time! This includes a parade, a festival, and a temple ceremony. These events are haunted by and angry goose hating enchanted broom.
CHAPTER 2: A Cartload of Chickens Folks need to eat. And round here they like to eat massive angry chickens. Somebody's gotta deliver them, and that somebody is your players!
CHAPTER 3: Marvin the Magnificent Simple problems require convoluted solutions. Help Marvin enchant a plow that can pass through stones. What could go wrong?
CHAPTER 4: High Society After earning some respect the players get invited to a high falutin social dilly do. But not as guests. As the help. And this party is gonna need it! The entertainment is about to become a mesmerizing problem.
ADVENTURE MECHANICS - Target Character Level: Commoners or Level 1 - Target Party Size: Four Players - Average Adventure Playtime: 2ish Hours - Tone: Rural Mayhem and Foolishness
Grab the Free PDF Here. https://www.patreon.com/posts/adventure-to-83830560
I’ve also put these adventures into our *Bumpkin Quest: Campaign Guide https://www.patreon.com/posts/guide-bumpkin-to-80202231 The guide fills in the details of Green Valley pretty thoroughly. The quests are simple enough to be run in any setting you choose, but if you're interested in more the Guide has about two dozen Custom Maps, 70+ NPCs, Location Descriptions, 20+ Local Legends, and Scores of Adventure and Event Ideas. You can grab the PDF Free at the link above.

Hills Furrow

At the center of the Valley sits a patch of small grassy hills, through which the Slow Water meanders through. Built into these hills is the Village of Hills Furrow. Celebrated by everyone living in The Valley and boasting a whopping population of almost 150, Hills Furrow is the center of commerce and social importance. Well, at least as far as the locals are concerned. Realistically it would be less than a blip on the grand scale of things, a mere kernel of wheat in the silo of civilization, but to those who live here, there is nothing quite like living in the “city”.
The Village itself, like the Valley, is predominantly Halfling, and their fancy dwellings are burrowed into the hillsides as often as possible. These dwellings have been family owned for generations only becomeing available if there are no heirs to pass them along to. Other folk live in well kept two story shingled buildings, most of which house a business on the lower floor and house the Shopkeepers and their families above their workplaces, though a few live in nearby homes. There aren’t many “rental” spaces in town, as property is usually bought up quickly by the Halfling Families, but there are long term options at either of the Inns in town.
Hills Furrow: Locations 1) The Crocked Crow (Inn and Tavern) 2) The Dancing Lamb (Inn and Tavern) 3) The Moaning Toad (Tavern) 4) Granny's Groceries (General Market) 5) Get Nailed (Hardware and Distilery) 6) Gimdurh's Hammer (Smithy) 7) Brenra's Mechanicals (Tinker) 8) Hjoldren's Home Goods (Carpenter) 9) Standard Industries (Office) 10) Fit to be Dyed (Tailor) 11) The Last Loaf (Baker) 12) The Cloudy Cleaver (Butcher) 13) Nature's Medecine (Apothecary) 14) Sheriff's Office 15) Green Valley School House 16) The Waterwheel 17) The Windmill 18) The Undercloak Estate 19) Truefoot Burrow 20) The Meadows Family Hill
The locals are hospitable and friendly enough, but they do not really trust outsiders. Folks from foreign places are good for trade, news, and little else. Those that come through are treated well enough as long as they don’t wear out their welcome. Locals, well, that’s a bit of a different story. The city and area doesn’t operate under a written caste system or social structure, but there is clearly a pecking order, and family heritage matters a great deal to folks in Hills Furrow. Most locals, whether they’ve gotten an education or not, can easily be classified as simple. It isn’t that they are slow of mind or unintelligent, but more that they are unconcerned with matters the outside world considers important. This sentiment has created a general, but friendly, dislike between those that consider themselves Highfalutin and those that clearly are not.
Well now that I've given you the fifty cent tour. Shall we get on to adventure?

CHAPTER 1: Green Tide

We will open our journeys in the Green Valley at Green Tide, the annual celebration of Winter’s End. This adventure is designed to give a tour of Hills Furrow and introduce them to the locals. It will begin with some chores around their house to prepare for the festival and end with a battle involving an enchanted broom. If you did not do Session Zero, this chapter may take a bit longer as we get to know everyone and their characters.

ACT 1: Pre-Festival

The locals spend the week cleaning out their houses and farms. They gather old junk and unused items to be used later in the festival. They also begin preparing what food is left from winter to be used in a celebration and feasts.
Things to do! - Have the Players clean up junk around the house - Have them Find something strange (Perhaps used for a later mystery?) - Have them Decorate their Broom - Have them run a Household Errand (Meet an NPC)

ACT 2: Sweeping Day

A merry festival celebrating Spring cleaning and putting the past behind them. They form a parade, with one member from each house carrying a brightly decorated broom and using it to symbolically “Sweep Away Winter”. The rest of the family marches their winter’s trash and unused goods down to the Fairgrounds. The goods are often traded, while the trash is piled in the fire pit to await burning later. The entire day is filled with fun outdoor activities. Households also symbolically bring their problems to the bonfires to burn them later.
Things to do! - March in the Parade - Carry Junk to the Bonfire - Meet more of the Locals
EVENT: I Love a Parade
The parade will march North from near the Cross Roads in the South up around the hill and back again to the South where it will head for the Fairgrounds. There isn’t anything particularly challenging about this event, but it would be a wonderful place to start leaning into or building local rivalries.
EVENT: Never Seen a Broom Do That… As they come into the home stretch of the Parade one of the local’s Brooms will animate and take off. It will chase folks around the parade. The players can attempt to stop it, but the broom will flee soon after being attacked. It will fly up into the air, attack a flock of geese, and chase them off until it can’t be seen anymore. They can go and collect a fallen goose if they wish. I highly recommend giving it a motorcycle type sound as it flies around hitting folks. Maybe even going as far as giving it a rough gravel angry voice and letting it insult people.

ACT 3: Winter’s End

Winter’s End is a Combination of Groundhog’s Day and Fasnacht, this day gets a little wild. The Festival kicks off at dawn with the Great Gopher Hunt. Gophers are well known spies for The Voice of Winter and thus need to be hunted before they can tell The Voice to delay Spring. Gophers themselves are quite tasty, and are notoriously bad for crops, so this works out economically all around. Throughout the rest of the day families continue to contribute to the Bonfire Pile which often gets quite large. At dusk a large effigy of The Voice of Winter is placed on top of the pile. Once the sun has fully set they light the fire and burn the Effigy. Folk usually dress darkly during the day and brightly at night. After the burning they feast on sweets and treats that were made from goods saved up from winter storage.
Things to do! - The Great Gopher Hunt - Carry Junk to the Bonfire - Meet more of the Locals - The Fairground’s Activities
EVENT: The Great Gopher Hunt The Hunt begins at dawn and takes place all over the Valley. Locals race to collect as many Gophers as possible. It is easiest to kill the Gopher, but there are some that find that distasteful. Instead they live trap the critters. It is a bit tougher to do so, but an option should your players wish. This is most easily played out as a series of appropriate Skill Checks, in which the higher they score the more gophers they obtain.
EVENT: Trash Removal They may find some locals willing to pay them to help cart junk down to the bonfire pile. Not a lot of skill involved in this, but it is a great opportunity to meet locals, and you could throw a runaway cart at them.
Fair Activities They will probably want to take part in Fairground Activities. Players love these types of challenges. Here are a few ideas you can build on. - Axe Throwin: Basic attack rolls on a Round Target. Higher scores equal Higher points. - Bow Shootin: Basic attack rolls on Moving Targets. Higher scores equal Higher points. - Pig Chasin: Catch the greased Pig! Medium DC Challenge requiring three success before three Failures. - Mud Wrastlin: Nothing says bumpkin like a good Mud Wrastlin Pit. Contested Skill Challenges. - Sausage Eating Contest: Increasingly difficult DC Challenge. Eat till you puke! Can also be Pies or Ribs or Little Fish… you know whatever someone wants to stuff dozens of in their gullet. - Tug O’War: Team Strength Challenge. Three to Five Contested Rolls with opposing teams. - Gopher BBQ Cook Off: A Hard Culinary Challenge to see who can BBQ the best Gopher! - Races: Foot and Mount Races based on Three to Five Contested Rolls. I usually include a few odd mounts like a Giant Chicken or some such nonsense.

ACT 4: Day of Ashes

The Day of Ashes is a day of rest, recovery, and reflection. Locals take the ashes from the bonfires and rub their hands in them to symbolize the end of a hard year’s work and hardships of the past. The day ends with a large family feast, typically Pork. Activities this day are light, but many folks head to the Temple for the Calling of Spring Blessings. They put on their fancies and head down to ask forgiveness for over-indulging in the festival and for worship. Well sort of…
Unfortunately, a lot of folks take this as an opportunity to peacock about and practice their one-upmanship over other locals. If you’re looking for inspiration for their outfits look to older photos of the Kentucky Derby. Over the years this troubling practice has caused more than one fight to break out after the service.
*Things to do! * - Go to Temple and Meet More Locals - Pick a Local Patron!
EVENT: Temple Services The majority of the town comes to Temple on this day. The service is usually longer, and a bit more “Where have most of you been all year?” But otherwise it is a call for the Divine Blessings to touch their crops and protect their lives. It ends with a ceremony in which the locals put their hands into the ashes from yesterday’s bonfire. Once services end they will head outside, where the trouble will begin. Two of the wealthier families will get into it with each other. Starting with a couple of veiled insults, probably before service and continuing afterward. If one of your players is from a local Rich Folk family then they can be right in the middle of it all, otherwise they will have to pick a side. This choice will determine their house Patron moving forward. Tension will increase until folks start drawing up sides, and then someone will throw a rotten tomato at one of the House Matrons. That will blow the lid off the incident and a yokel brawl will break out. For comedy purposes I recommend the instant appearance of several food carts filled with expired products, and maybe a six year old hustler selling big sticks for wacking folks with. As the locals brawl call for perception checks. Who ever rolls highest begins to hear… The Broom returning!
ENCOUNTER: Stick In The Eye The broom returns ready to whoop some ash. It will be absolutely bent on cleaning anyone and everyone who is even the slightest bit dirty! If it successfully attacks a character they will have to make a Strength Saving throw or be knocked to the ground and swept clean by the broom. As this would be an awful omen for the year folks are terrified and will be running around screaming. Absolute mass hysteria. If the players were lucky enough to hear it coming they can avoid being surprised by the broom. Otherwise the broom will get a full round to attack before they have a chance to do anything. They’ll have to beat the broom into submission any way they can before it sweeps the whole town into chaos!

CLOSING

After defeating the broom things will settle back down again. Bumpkins are quick to return to normal when things go awry. However, they will have gotten the attention of one of the Wealthy Families in the area and be offered jobs. Which family is really, based on what will work best for them and you as the DM. For gags you might be tempted to have the Yokels pick them up, but that is a hard bit to sustain, and you may be better served keeping them on the side as a comic foil rather than up front. Completely up to you. The session should end with them being invited to meet their new patron tomorrow someplace important.

CHAPTER 2: A Cartload of Chickens

After successfully defeating the Enchanted Broom, our Bumpkins have gained the attention of a possible local Patron. This individual has summoned them to a nearby farm to discuss future work. That work includes proving themselves capable and not just lucky.

ACT 1: Meet the Boss

In this Act the players will meet with their new patron, one of the Family Heads, who that is entirely depends on their choices from the last game. This entire side branch is designed to flavor the background of the campaign, but if you’d rather just have them stay freelancing and independent that’s fine as well. There is also the possibility of “competing” offers should they have second thoughts for any reason. Once they arrive at the meeting spot their Patron will ask them some questions about their ambitions (Class Goals), they will then hand them off to their new “boss” who will assign them their task. They will take them to a nearby barn.
NPC: “Boss” Needs a fitting name for the Family they work for... Character wise, what we got here is a standard “Ranch Foreman” character. They’re tough, A little mean, and completely loyal to their employer. They almost certainly chew tobacco (by the handful), have a tattoo of the Ranch’s Brand, and know where all the bodies are buried. They also have a huge and obvious scar on the side of their head where a Giant Chicken pecked a hole in their skull, so they’re not as bright as they used to be, not at all truthfully. Nor are they actually the Foreman anymore, but no one has a heart to tell them. They’ve been quietly downgraded to Chicken Handler, which is something they seem to remember quite well, but the brain damage keeps them from realizing all that. They can be found wandering the Farm giving strange orders to other Hands. These Hands nod politely and then go back to what they are doing.
Things To Do! - Meet Their Patron - Discuss Their Future - Meet Their New “Boss”

ACT 2: Chicken Dance

Boss will lead them into the odd looking barn. This building is filled with Giant Chickens. These two-three foot fouls have extremely exaggerated features, spiky looking beaks with sharp tooth like edges, big darting eyes, bumpy cracked skin, long gnarled talons, and dirty mottled feathers. They’re more beast than bird. But, they’re good for eatin! These creatures should have a stat block similar to an Axe Beak. When the players enter into the Barn the Chickens will go nuts, obviously deeply bothered by the intrusion. Boss will throw in some deer haunches and the birds will tear them apart in a feeding frenzy. They will then put on a Chicken Suit and begin a flapping dance. (Google Magnificent Riflebird) It should be absolutely captivating and the chickens will become mesmerized, watching every move. Boss will then load two dozen chickens onto a large wagon and lock it. They will have the players push the wagon out while he keeps the Chickens calm. Once outside they’ll hang heavy tarps on the sides of the wagon, and remove the suit. He will then explain to them that they need to keep the tarps on the wagon, and keep the birds well fed, or the chickens will get restless and become violent. When they do need to interact with them someone will have to wear the suit and dance to keep them calm. The bigger the person in the suit the better. Boss will then give them a Map of Green Valley and instruct them to drop off two chickens at each of the outer settlements. They have two days to get this done.
Things To Do! - Head into the barn - Witness The Dance of The Chicken - Push the Wagon out - Get the Costume and Delivery Instructions

ACT 3: Bumpy Roads

They will be off to deliver the Chickens to various locations. There is no specific order to this delivery, they just need to pick a route and go. If they’re short on time they can take the country roads that lead between the outer settlements, but these aren’t as well kept as the main roads are. Whatever road they take and wherever they decide to stop for the night there are problems they will encounter along the way. You can make them random or pick the ones that best suit your players. Most of these should at some point require someone putting on the suit and dancing for the chickens to keep them calm. I would also increase the difficulty of each event. If they fail a dance the Chickens will become restless and start attacking the cart until they are calmed down. Too many failures and the wagon’s cage will break and the remaining chickens escape. They will then have to be rounded up and the cage repaired.
Things to Do! - Decide the delivery route - Deliver the chickens - Keep the Chickens calm
Possible Road Events 1) Rough roads cause problems 2) Yokels attempt to see what’s in the cart 3) Bad Weather swamps the road or scares the chickens 4) Pack of Coyotes causes trouble. 5) Chicken Rustlers! Protect the Flock! 6) Wagon breaks and needs repair 7) Cows in the road, someone’s herd is out. 8) Broken Bridge, not gone, just broken

ACT 4: Final Delivery

They’re now closing in on the final delivery. Something needs to happen here to cause them to put the suit on. Or maybe they never took it off! I love that idea, that one of your players just loves the suit and wants to be a chicken… lol… Anyway I’m a fan of having them need to get out of the suit for some reason, maybe a bathroom break, or they stand on a fire ant hill, or a snake slithers up their leg. You know something silly and fun. BUT the zipper is stuck! So they’ll have to try and unstick it and fast! Whatever happens they’re going to get shot at by some hunters looking for a big score who have mistaken the flailing caused by the stuck zipper to be the chicken attacking. After dealing with the Hunters they can go ahead and make the final drop. And head home.
Things to Do! - Head for the final delivery - Get shot at! - Deliver the last chickens
ENCOUNTER: That’s a BIG Chicken! Having two hunters in the field is more than enough to cause a problem for the players. The hunters will almost certainly surprise the players, but you can allow them a perception check, if they succeed they’ll see the hunters just before the muskets go off. It would be OK to down the Chicken Player here if the hunters successfully hit it. They’ll have healer’s kits on hand because, well, this seems to happen to them a lot out here. After the initial attack the players can decide to attack back or try and talk the hunters down. A basic Bandit or Scout stat block should do will for the hunters. If you’re looking for a bit more mayhem, if the hunters miss the players you could have them hit the cage, and you know, bust it open. This may be especially tempting if they
POSSIBLE ENCOUNTER: Big Ol' Frog So there is a giant frog hiding in the mud down in the creek. If a player takes cover behind the banks there is a good chance that the frog will attempt to nab the player as a snack. If it is successful in grabbing a player with its tongue it will immediately head down river, and they'll have to chase it to get their friend back.

CLOSE

When they return, Boss will reward them. How much will depend on how successful they were delivering the birds. If they did a descent job, they will be paid two day’s wages each. If they were completely successful they can have a bonus. However, if the wagon is in bad shape they might have some money deducted. After they’re paid out, they will be dismissed, and told to expect a new assignment next week.

CHAPTER 3: Marvin the Magnificent

After successfully delivering chickens Boss is going to trust them with a more important task. Their employer has requested an item to be created by Marvin the Magnificent. This is a farming community so having enchanted Farming Equipment is extremely desirable. Marvin has done a lot of basic enchantments over the years, but this new one, an The Stone Skipper, a plough whose blade goes ethereal while in contact with stones too large to push away, has really put him to the test. He needs some help with the final enchantments. The players will have to travel to the Ethereal Plane and hit the Blade of the plow with large rocks. But there’s a problem, they’re going to have mischievous Ethereal Sprites attempting to stop them! If they’re successful, which they should be, they get to take the plough for a test drive, and deal with the strange side effects of the enchantment. Angry goats that blink in and out of existence.

ACT 1: To the Tower

They’ll be summoned out to the Ranch where they’ll meet with Boss again. Once there they will notice a large pile of bent and dinged up plows. Boss will explain to them that a recent land acquisition has become problematic. The Fields are filled with large stones just under the topsoil and they’ve damaged a lot of Plow Blades. The Smithing costs are getting out of hand and so their Patron is looking for an alternate solution to the problem. He is sending them to help Marvin the Magnificent, who has taken the job, but run into some complications and needs some help. They may ask about Marvin. Or perhaps the fields that were purchased, so be ready to answer these types of questions. Once they’re done here they can head to Marvin’s Tower, which is just north of town.
Things to Do! - Meet Boss again - Ask some Informational Questions - Head for the Tower
NPC: Marvin the Magnificent Marvin Boudenbaum, AKA Marvin the Magnificent, has lived in town a good number of years, he wasn’t born here but is considered local by most folk. He is a mage of some skill, having mastered spells up to level 3 spells, and is frequently hired by locals to use his magic for anything and everything that their bumpkin brains can cook up. Thing is… Marvin has extraordinary bad luck, so bad in fact that his spellwork has a tendency to go wrong. Typically, it doesn’t go wrong in a dangerous fashion, but there was that time little Timmy Proudfoot was flung into the Astral Sea. Marvin was about to be sentenced for Negligent Magic Murdering when Timmy was suddenly returned by Captain Jinny Steampipe of the Atomic Dustbin (An Astral Spell Ship). Timmy was ok and Jinny and crew spent a few weeks spending some money and telling everyone in town amazing stories of the Astral Sea, so all was forgiven. Marvin, has since taken to having anyone who hires him sign liability waivers, you know just in case. He lives in a small tower just outside of town to the North.

ACT 2: Marvin the Magnificent

As they approach the tower they should see an explosion at the peak of the structure. It should look similar to a fireworks mishap. When it clears there will be no visible damage to the tower, But Marvin will plummet to the earth just off to the side of them, landing in a small pond. He will then come charging out of the pond, laughing hysterically, and riding on a large turtle. Once he gets a few feet away from the pond the turtle will disappear and he will tumble to the ground right in front of the players. He will leap up quickly and turn toward the players. “Behold Travelers, You stand in the presence of Marvin the Magnificent! And everything you have witness was mostly intended!” He will then strike a cool pose with his wand pointed to the sky! “Now why do you approach my tower!?”
Once Marvin finds out they’ve been sent about the plow he will become more nervous looking. “I see, well follow me. We have work to do.” He will then start walking toward the tower… his boots squishing out water. This should give them a little time to ask a few questions. Marvin will be a little subversive about what they need to do. He will attempt to frame it very mysteriously, saying things like “All will be revealed soon.” and “Save your questions! All Answers await us… in the future!” If they ask him about what they witnessed outside, he will tell them he was working on a mount summoning spell designed for lakes and rivers.
Things to Do! - Head toward the Tower - Meet Marvin - Ask Questions

ACT 3: The Cabinet of Mysteries

The inside of the Wizard’s Tower will be far more mundane than they likely expect. At least on the first floor. It will have a sitting room, dining room, and kitchen, as well as a few odds and ends about. Nothing special at all. The second floor, are Marvin’s personal quarters and some room for study, but it is the third floor, where Marvin will lead them, and it will be more of what one would expect in a Wizard’s tower. There will be books shelves, arcane equipment, and storage for components. In the middle of the room will be a tall cabinet.
Marvin will explain to them that the Cabinet is a transportation device, and that he will need them to enter into it with a plow that he has recently enchanted. They will be taken to the Ethereal Plane, and once there they’ll need to take the plow outside and begin hitting it with large field stones. There is a large pile of stones just on the north edge of the tower. They’ll have to do this quickly, before the “others” show up. Who are the others? Hard to say, but there are things that live in the Ethereal Plane that don’t like intruders. The idea is to imbue the Plow with Ethereal Powers so it can pass through large stones while plowing fields. Once they return with the Enchanted Plow, Marvin will have them load it on a cart, pulled by a very smart Donkey, and send them on their way.
Skill Challenge: Enchant the Plow This skill challenge will require five successes before they’re incapacitated by the others. However they decide to do it, they’ll have to successfully hit the plow with five large stones. Failures will result in strange indiscernible entities attacking them. They do minimal damage but could knock people out if there are enough failures.
Things to Do! - Move Through Marvin’s Tower - Enter the Cabinet - Enchant the Plow

ACT 4: Blinking Goats

Upon returning to Boss with the Plow they will be happily greet and paid. Their Patron will be there and will be very pleased with their success. He will ask them to demonstrate the plow’s abilities. Once they get set up out in the field and begin plowing something weird will happen. Every time they hit a stone and the plow’s power activates an Ethereal Goat will manifest and kick or ram the plow, and then disappear. It will feel very similar to what they encountered in the Ethereal Plane. They’ll have to find a way to deal with the manifestations.
ENCOUNTER: Ethereal Goats These goats should function very similarly to Blink Dogs, but I would trim the HP and AC a little to put them in line with the party’s. They will be intent on breaking the Plow not the party, although they will attack the party if they can’t get to the Plow.
Things to Do! - Deliver the Plow - Drive the Plow - Defeat the Ethereal Goats

CLOSE

Once defeated the Boss will come over to yell at them, but the Patron will find the entire thing amusing and more importantly, another impressive demonstration of the player’s skills. He will invite them to the “House” for an important party next week.

CHAPTER 4: High Society

They've definitely been noticed now and have impressed with their ability, unconventional as it may be. They are invited to their patron's home, but not as guests. Though, they might think they were actually invited as guests! They have been brought in to help work the event held out at the Party Field. They will have to gather party supplies, help put up the tent, and then serve the actual guests. During the evening’s entertainment a hypnotist “The Great Dr Hypnotika” will mesmerize the crowd and attempt to rob them all. Hopefully the players don’t fall victim to her schemes. And if they do oh well, they’ll be entertained all the same.

ACT 1: Special Delivery

The players arrive at the Patron’s very nice property. They will be greeted by a properly dressed servant with a clipboard, the Party Planner. The Planner will be rigid and direct. They will immediately begin tasking them about. If they mention that they were invited to the party the servant will laugh “You didn’t think you were a guest? Oh dear, how embarrassing. You’re the help! It is still a great honor to be tasked to help at the Party, but you’re not guests. Now as for your current task. Head into town and gather these supplies. Bring them to the field by noon.” After the instructions are given the servant will go back to their tasks and expect the players to do the same. They will have three stops; The Crocked Crow for Food and Beer, Get Nailed for the Tent and Spirits, and Shalana Proud-Breed’s Tailor Shop to pick up the Dry Cleaning. Feel free to make any and all of these go sideways! Its a good place to toss in some shenanigans as well! They should also be introduced to Dr Hypnotika and her associates.
Things To do! - Go to their Patron’s Home - Meet the Party Planner and Dr Hypnotika - Run their Errands
NPC: Dr Hypnotika Dr Hypnotika and her group will perform for the party. Hypnotica is a Tiefling Mezmerist and illusionist. She has an obnoxiously high charisma and some pretty serious skills to back up her claims. However, she uses those skills to beguile her guests, robbing them blind while they are under her spells. She wears a fine robe with a bedazzled headwrap. She has dark upward spiraling horns, light purple skin, and matching eyes. She wears a monocle and walks with a ceremonially carved staff depicting the "Struggles of the Universe". She is extremely persuasive and even more deceptive. Even if someone were to grow suspicious she can easily talk her way out of trouble.
NPCs: Clapper and Bob Hypnotika brings with her two assistants. Clapper the suit wearing Kenku who will perform wondrous displays of mimicry and slight of hand, and her strongman Bob the Kobold. Bob wears a leopard print strongman's outfit and is amazingly swole, particularly for a kobold, and capable of lifting upwards of 400lbs. Bob doesn't do much else other than get hit with things. in the act.

ACT 2: Put up the Tent

After they finish running their errands they will be tasked with putting up a large party tent. This Act is an ongoing Skill Challenge and should have a constantly distracted feel to it. First they have to unpack the tent. Then they have to realize some pieces are missing, they’ll have to form a solution to that problem. After that wind should cause some problems as the tent is at least being pulled up. This is a great moment for some wondrous tom-foolery.
Things To do! - Unpack the tent - Deal with missing parts - Secure the tent during the wind gusts

ACT 3: Put These On

After they finish putting up the tent they’ll be sent to the Servant’s Quarters to bathe and change. They’ll get a little time to explore and snoop if they wish. Afterward they’ll be tasked with helping in the kitchen, but unfortunately the cooks are going to have been playing a drinking game all afternoon and are no longer fully capable of doing their jobs. This would make a great moment for some sort of mini-game where the players have to determine whether or not the cooks are doing the right things. Once the dinner has been completed they will have to serve the guests. This is a good place to insert gossip and help them meet a few other folks.
Things To do! - Get changed for the party - Deal with the drunk cooks - Serve the guests drinks and food

ACT 4: An Evening to Remember

At some point in the evening things are going to start sliding downhill. Some of the locals will have become extremely inebriated and will need to be encouraged to leave, or just moved off to the side as they’ve already passed out, before the show begins. Once the show begins the locals will become fixated on the goings on. “The Great Dr Hypnotika” will have put an additive in the drinks for the that will make everyone more susceptible to her powers of persuasion. Once the show starts she will have them all doing silly things, those who drank have disadvantage on saves against her powers. She will end the show asking the guests to display their most valuable treasure, a with a hypnotic pattern and then send her assistants out to collect those treasures. The players will have to “do something” about the thieves.
Things To do! - Deal with Drunks - Watch the Show - Stop the Criminals
ENCOUNTER: Hypnotika's Gang This encounter doesn't have to be a fight. If Hypnotika is caught she may claim it was all part of the act and simple return the valuables with a "no harm, no foul" type attitude. This will be he go to in an attempt to avoid a fight, but if the character persist in some kind of retribution or punishment the situation will devolve into a combat. Hypnotica herself is an Illusionist Wizard but is low on spells after the show. Clapper is a low level rogue and Bob a Barbarian, and should play out as such. Even with Skills they are combat adverse and will be looking for an opportunity to flee rather than fight. They do have a getaway wagon out front that they'll be headed for if things go south.

CLOSE

We’re assuming the Bumpkins at least attempted to stop the robbery. This will draw a lot of attention to them. Their Patron will be well pleased with them, and let them know they will be getting much more important jobs in the future. The guests will also take note and will begin treating them all a bit better. They’re all essentially Folk Heroes at this point for secondary backgrounds. Their Patron should reward them with something very nice as the party kicks back in. They will need to finish out the nights work of course.

QUEST-LINE CLOSING

Congratulations! Your Players have completed their first Quest-line! Hopefully it was a delightful experience. But now that they've finished what comes next? Well, here are some ideas.
Reward Them! They've been doing some rather Adventurous things lately, and therefore should now have a Class Level under their belt, so the real D&D world now opens to them! Maybe it is time for some real adventuring gear. No more sticks, stones, and burlap sack armor.
Folk Heroes? There's a good chance that the Valley is Speaking the News about them and their exploits while drinking in the taverns. They may have even earned the actual Folk Hero Feat! Maybe someone would be interested in giving them a task!
Simply Go Exploring! There are a lot of places in Green Valley that we only dipped our toes into. You could have them head down to Stinkmarsh, or maybe climb up the cliffs of Longridge. The world (Well, the Valley) is wholly open to them.
Explore Local Legends There are lots of local legends they can look into! Hopefully they search out something that isn't too far over their heads!
Continue Working for their Patron It would be an easy DM go to simply to have them continue working for their current Patron. They've probably been impressive enough fo a family to be interested in keeping them on.
Establish Themselves as Adventurers! Maybe they want to set up a Adventurers for Hire business? This "Heroes Guild" approach is really appealing to a lot of players and absolutely plays into Bumpkin Quest. Just remember, this is a place of low key problems that locals make really big deals out of. So the idea of slaying dragons shouldn't really be on the table... that is until an actual dragon shows up! Which one day absolutely should.