Hello!
I own a YSL Cassandra wallet with all black hardware. This would be my first designer handbag ever, which I decided will be a YSL because I like them for no particular reason lol.
I really like their puffer bag, but I’m worried it’ll go out of style. Do you think this would be the case? Ideally I’d like a timeless bag.
Here are a couple other styles I like: - Sac de Jour - Niki - College
Honestly the puffer is still my #1 choice, but I am worried about it going out of style. Otherwise, I do like the other styles mentioned.
If you have any recommendations, please tell me!
This would also be my daily bag, so it need to be able to carry my wallet and phone at a minimum. Also it has to be black since that’s what matches my wardrobe and style more (as a first time bag anyway). I would either choose black or silver hardware — gold just isn’t for me.
Thank you!

This story happened several years ago, when I was a young college student who worked at a retail job. We had a frankly toxic work culture and we constantly shit on each other for one thing or another. I don't justify that, but it's important background to the story.
We hire a guy, I'll call him Bob, who's really really bad at his job. Its not only that though, he has a really shitty attitude about it and won't improve out of choice because he thinks the work is beneath him. We all give him hell for this, me probably more than most because I'm the one that has to work with him the most.
Bob's response is to report me to my boss, not for shitting on his work performance, but because he accused me of spreading rumors he was gay (not true at all, I don't do that). My boss dismissed it because he's known me long enough to know I wouldn't do that. A few weeks later I find out someone claiming to be me texted Bob some really crude and gross messages about my sexual exploits with a female coworker. We never dated and I didn't even like her that way, and more to the point never had Bob's phone number. Regardless, Bob shares this with everyone and ruins my rep at the store.
I find out over the next few months similar stuff is happening to other folks that Bob doesn't like. Looking back, I think what was happening was he was sending fake text messages to himself and passing it off as other people so that he could try to run them off. For several folks, it worked out that way (I left when I got a better job a few months later).
I want to be clear; shitting on him behind his back, no matter how accurate the criticism may have been, was totally wrong. I regret that I hurt him that way, I don't try to justify that at all. I like to think I've matured greatly, I certainly haven't done anything like that since. At the same time, even years later, I've always thought Bob's response in this was totally uncalled for and wrong, in fact I think it was way worse than what I did. Certainly, I don't think the punishment fit the crime.
Am I the asshole for thinking that way or did I get my just desserts?

IF YOU DO NOT READ AND FOLLOW THE PROFILE GUIDE IN THE SECOND HALF OF THIS POST, YOUR PROFILE REVIEW WILL BE REMOVED
In most online dating subreddits, profile reviews focus on aspects of the person that won't actually lead to increased results, like bios or silly minutiae regarding someone's profile. Here at SwipeHelper, we realize that the two biggest factors regarding success on apps are your personal attractiveness and the quality of your photos.
The idea of this thread is for people to get honest advice on both aspects:

1. how to improve one's profile
2. tips for improving your physical attractiveness so that you can come across better on your app of choice.

All profiles posted will be given advice on both how to improve their profile as well as maximize their looks (if needed - for some people they are attractive enough and the profile itself is more of the problem, or vice versa).
The following are required information in every profile review request:
- What type of relationship you're looking for (hookups, FWBs, something more serious, marriage)
- Your current level of success (number of matches per week and how many likes you send out) plus if you're paying for any premium features

SwipeHelper Profile Guide

NOTE: READ THIS GUIDE THOROUGHLY BEFORE POSTING YOUR PROFILE HERE. If your profile does not live up to the guide's standards, your comment will be removed and you will be referred back to the guide.
Archetype and Story
Before you build a Tinder profile, you need to determine your archetype. What vibes do you want to give off to attract your ideal type of girl? Attractive archetypes could include:

• Cool California surfer guy
• Suave suit-wearing businessman
• Tattooed bearded hipster lumberjack
• Iced out hood fuckboi
• Generic good looking fratty college dude

The following are not attractive archetypes. If you are one of these people, either change your lifestyle or at least make it look like you aren't.

• Nerdy neckbearded gamer
• Completely generic nondescript dude with no personality
• Overweight guy that doesn't work out
• Skinny sadboi that never smiles

You get the idea.
Once you have your attractive archetype, you should aim to tell a story through your photos - don't just have a bunch of photos of you standing around posing for the camera. When someone swipes through your photos, they should get a full picture of who you are, what you look like, what you like to do, and what spending time with you will feel like.
General Photo Quality and Looks You Should Emulate
The minimum acceptable photo quality you need to succeed on Tinder these days is a professional photo taken with a DSLR camera. Yes, this probably means you need to pay a photographer to take photos of you. May seem like a big investment, but for a few hundred dollars you get a bunch of great photos that you can ride for years.
Read the following two articles for examples of photos that do well: Playing With Fire Ultimate Guide to Tinder Profile Pictures and Playing With Fire 6 Highly Successful Tinder Photos for Men and Why They Work
And the following article for photo inspiration: https://killyourinnerloser.com/inspiration/
Photo Order and Types
Your first photo should be an upper-body shot with your full head (no sunglasses) and torso visible, taken with the highest-quality camera possibly, preferably a DSLR. You should be wearing stylish clothes that fit your archetype. YOU SHOULD BE THE ONLY PERSON IN THE PHOTO. DO NOT USE A GROUP PHOTO AS YOUR FIRST PHOTO.
For your other photos, choose from:

• You with a group of friends. You should be as tall or taller and as attractive or more attractive than every friend in the photo. All of your friends must be decently attractive and not low-status (i.e. if this photo was taken at an anime convention, you’re toast).
• You doing [insert hobby here]. Snowboarding, DJing, skydiving, climbing, playing a high-status sport (sorry, Magic: The Gathering doesn’t count).
• You in an exotic location.
• You doing something that indicates you’re a leader of men. Holding a microphone, giving a speech, standing on stage, etc.
• A candid, shirtless photo (e.g. playing sports, on a beach). If you cannot bench your bodyweight and/or squat/deadlift 1.75x your bodyweight AND are less than 18% bodyfat, skip this. If you don’t have a candid shirtless photo, a non-candid is OK, but you’ll get worse results.

Each photo needs to be in a different setting and you need to be wearing a different outfit in each. They should not look like they were taken the same day or on the same photoshoot.
Do not include photos that:

• are generated by AI apps or otherwise obviously over-edited
• don't have you in them (like of your pet or your art or a meme)
• have your back turned to the camera
• are of you wearing a mask or obscuring your face or eyes (e.g. wearing sunglasses)
• are too far away to see your face
• are selfies. SELFIES ARE ALWAYS UNACCEPTABLE. IF YOU HAVE A SELFIE, REMOVE IT. Your phone has a self-timer function for a reason — use it, or get someone to take photos of you.

You do not need to fill out all nine photos. As long as you have more than three photos, you're fine. Remember, you will be judged on your worst photo, so make sure they're all solid.
Finally, learn to pose and squinch (narrowing your eyes to make you appear more attractive).
A more detailed guide from a different perspective can be found at: https://killyourinnerloser.com/tinder-guide

I’m already so frustrated with trying to plan my baby shower ahead, and its not for another few months! Im using a throwaway because I just need this off my chest and it’ll probably be deleted. I feel as though mine & my partner’s families don’t mesh well and it is stressing me out so much. My sister was first to ask me if she could plan my shower and I automatically agreed because she is amazing at planning events, thats literally her job title so I have no doubts. My partners mom asked if she could get in contact with sister to help. I said okay, and gave my sister her phone number so that partners mother could coordinate their part of the family with whatever we plan.
Well, the issue started when I wanted to have the baby shower at my house. I wanted it here so it would be less work for me and I wont have to drive out anywhere. My partners mom informed me our house is too tiny to host that many people and it might get hectic, so I took her up on her offer to host at her house instead. My mom informed me if we have it at her house my elderly grandparents wont be able to drive that far to attend and they mean the world to me. Okay, we’ll have it in my grandparents city and find somewhere big enough. I told my partner this and he said we cant expect our friends and other family to drive the 2.5 hours, but I’m like what other choice do we have! My sister and brother are driving more than that! I also wasn’t supposed to know this but my sister complained to my mom that my partners mom was taking over on planning and I’m like why is there already drama? I literally don’t know what to do and this was supposed to be completely hands off for me/I wasn’t supposed to be involved in planning because Im not supposed to be stressed out. I am already so frustrated with this and I dont even want to have one at this point or just have two separate.

Fun Fact To Cover Spoilers: The first Final Fantasy was released in December of 1987 and has since had 15 main game instalments (though there has been many more side games released). There has also been various adaptations across various pieces of media such as mangas, animes, and films.
CW: Gambling
Mood Warning: Positive Ending
This is a repost, it was posted on here more than a year ago by u/asakurosol . OOP's account is now deleted.
This was originally posted in FFBraveExvius so it was written with the expectation that everyone would understand certain terms. Here is a brief explanation!
Whale- Someone who spends a lot of money on mobile games
BanneEvent-Where, for a limited time, you can get special characters by using the in game currency (In this case "Lapis") to pull for the character (like a slot machine).
-
Whale of a Tale (December 13th, 2017)
Caution - Wall of text incoming.....don't say I didn't warn you....
I started playing FFBE shortly after launch in July of 2016. It was a fresh take on an old classic, my favorite series of all time, Final Fantasy. When I was 11, in 1988, living in New Jersey, I went to the Nintendo CES in New York City. Nintendo had demo booths for all the upcoming games, and the original Final Fantasy was one of them. It was the coolest game I had ever seen. I got it when it was released and it remained my favorite series of games for years. FFII and FFIII on SNES, I bought a Playstation so I could get FFVII, I got a PS3, but all I wanted to play was FFXII (I personally like Vaan).
Along came married life, kids, jobs, responsibilities, and I could no longer spend time on a console. I didn't have time to sit and play and grid out levels and complete the extra quests like defecting Ruby Weapon. Then FFBE was released. A short format game that I could play for 5 or 10 minutes and put it away. It didn't require a console or a TV, just a few minutes to play a couple of dungeon runs or a quick exploration, then I could put it away for later. It was perfect.
Expedition into the Abyss. The first banner I spent money on. I had been playing the game for 6 weeks or so and I had not found the FFBreveExvius subreddit or the Exvius Wiki, I went into the exploration blind and got wiped out. I leveled my team, I maxed my stats and I just could not win. I got to Ansel finally and beat him, but I was so low on energy. I used lapis refills just to limp past him. Then I got to the exit with the 3 bosses that kicked my but with their 10,000V attack. I was frustrated beyond belief, I had spent all my resources to pass this exploration, and I couldn't leave it like this. I broke my F2P resolve and put down $20. That should be enough to get me out of this dungeon and replace some of the lapis I sepnt so I could at least do the dailies again. I was adamant that I would not spend again.
The first Mog King event I recall was Festival of the Autum Moon, baking Mog Cakes. I spent hours, day after day, grinding the Coast for recipe ingredients. I kept my 2 ovens going, then I increased my capacity to 4 and I stayed true to my resolve, I did not spend any more money. I made it through, I got the Stellar Shield, I got the Lunar Pestle and the Rabbit's Foot. I acomplished my goals without macros, without more resources. My family though kept asking me, what am I tapping on my phone all the time? Why am I always looking at my screen?
I put the phone away and tried to limit myself, only a little while in the morning before I got everyone up for school, I would play for a little while at lunchtime when I wasn't around anyone. I would play on the toilet since I had nothing better to do while I poop. I would play after putting the kids to sleep. I was not taking anything from anyone. I was just playing a game.
I made it to November. The Crystal Tower. The release of Luneth and Refia. The best DPS and the best Healer available at the time. I had saved my lapis, I could do a 10+1 pull, I had maybe 20 or so tickets saved. I used all my resources and was trolled by a rainbow Edge. I was enraged, insenced, insistent that I get Luneth. I put in my card number into my digital wallet and upped myself $99 of Lapis. Then I pulled and pulled and pulled, and I got nothing. So I put in another $99 and pulled and pulled and I got Luneth! I could advance and defeat all new content and share the best DPS possible to all my friends.
It was only $200. I can spare that. I haven't bought a video game in 6 years. I deserve it, I earned it.
I didn't pull for the Brave Frontier cross over event. I saved my resources. I was depressed by all the Elza's I saw my friends sharing, but I was not lucky enough to pull her. I conceded that it was ok, and I could get her again in the future. I still beat the Trial of the Creator and got Maxwell. I had to work hard, but I got the Power of Creation TMR. That made my Luneth a king again.
Then came the Big Bridge. Gilgamesh. The BEST TMR you could get. I still have a 10+1 pull left after my Luneth. I had saved the tickets from the Mog King. I pulled for Greg and failed again. It was only $200 to get Luneth. How bad would that be for the best accessory in the game? I can make my Chizuru or my Cecil so strong. I put in my money again, $99....no Greg, $99....no Greg, $99....no Greg.... I took a break for a little bit. My family had plans for the day. I was angry now. How could I have spent $300 and not gotten what I wanted. When nobody was looking, around everyone, I did it again. $99....no Greg, $99...no Greg, $99...no Greg, $99.....
Finally. I had Gilgamesh. I had maxed out all of my unit inventory. I had to spend time to fuse units, I got my first Excalibur that day as well as some other great TMRs. But I finally had the Genji Golve and I could now make Chizuru strong enough to share with others. She could DPS at 350 attack and more! I could beat all the content with ease using her and Luneth. Yeah, I spent $700, but I would stop now. I had enough. I didn't want to be caught spending money I shouldn't on a video game. It was enough.
Lightning strikes, and I didn't spend anything. I was in control. I didn't need anything new. I was still in the game and doing great. So many events passed and I was still killing everything in sight with my team. I cleared all of the events and new story content. It was fun, I was not an addict, I spent time with my family, I didn't take their time away. I was on top.
Noctis, Prince of all Trades came along. I got greedy. I pulled again...another $300. I got off easy there. I was again in the lead. I was on top. I had the best attacker, best support, best all around at everything. I didn't need anything else.
The Mana Mystery Event came. I was excited! Randi, the Secret of Mana! The Secret of Mana was, hands down, one of the best games to ever come out for the SNES. Open world, exciting characters, fantastic story and fighting. The Nostalgia was incredible for this event. I had to have Randy. I had paid down most of the bill from getting Gilgamesh. I could afford it to have a piece of my childhood back, no matter what the cost. It cost me about $400. I was back to square 1 with paying my bill back. I had spent nearly $1700 on this game now, I couldn't spend any more. It was getting out of control. I unlinked the credit card and got back to my senses. I could keep playing my game. I put my maxed out Randi as my friend unit. I was determined to get the most out of him, no matter what. It was my hard earned money, I should not spend it frivilously.
I made it almost 4 months.
It was my birthday. The Brave Frontier banner was back. The Scyth weilding Queen Elza was back. It was my birthday and I wanted Elza. This was the first double 5* banner I ever tried to pull on. This was the first banner I pulled on after the guaranteed 5* base for Rainbows was announced. It was my birthday and I had to have Elza. I have to get what I want on my birthday. I charged $1500 that day to get her.
I was sick of my actions. I de-linked my card again. I now had a balance of nearly $4000, including other non FFBE related purchases. I had to find a way to stop. I transferred the balance to a new, zero interest card. My family was going on vacation and I needed to be clear to help with expenses. I had some cash saved, I was paying down my debt slowly, I had a plan, I was still in control.
While on vacation, the Veritas Banner was announced. The most anticipated unit since Orlandeau. I had an Orlandeau from tickets, it would be awesome to get a chaining partner for Orlandeau. Veritas of the Dark is the coolest, with the black armor, Dark Damage heals him, and Dark Retribution attack. Something in me snapped, and I was back to I had to have him. It was another double Rainbow banner, maybe I would be lucky this time.
$1000, no Veritas of the Dark. I had 4 Veritas of the Flame. I was angry. How could I have spent so much and not gotten the unit I wanted! Why would Final Fantasy, Gumi, Square Enix, not give it to me? How could I spend so much and not get what I want! Another $1000. I got 2 more Veritas of the Flame, another Orlandeau, a second Freviya, Olive, Emperor, but no Dark Veritas! How! Why! Now I am stubborn. I am not putting this much money out there to not get what I want. $99...no Dark Veritas, $99...no Dark Veritas, $99...a second Emperor, I almost threw my phone against the wall. $99....Finally, Veritas of the Dark. $2500, 9 Veritas of the Flame, half a dozen other 5* base, and I finally got the Veritas of the Dark.
Wait....WTF did I just do?!?!
Did I just really spend $2500 to get a little animated piece of code? What is my wife going to think? What will my kids say? I tell them I don't have much money to spare, I dutifully split my paycheck 3 ways, household expenses, savings and my spending money. I can do what I want with my spending money. I just won't get anything for myself for a year or so, pay this back to my card a couple hundred at a time.
Fuck it. I have what I want. I put in another $1000 just to keep me going with energy refils and I can play whenever and however I want.
Neir came, I pulled with the lapis I had left and got A2 and 2B. Luck is on my side now. Onion Knight, I got on 3 10+1 pulls. I am on top of the world. Gumi must have had some mercy on my account. I have all the units I need, sure there are some I want, but I can get by without Rem and Wilhelm. But who is this awesome new healer! Ayaka, dual white magic, reraise, the things I was missing for Agaion, the Robot Trial! With her, I could be at the top again. I could beat all the trials, all the new story content. It would all be a breeze. I had to get her. I moved all my debt to the balance transfer card. I have a clear card to work with. I can get it and make it go away and I can continue on as normal, just pay down the card and not spend on myself.
Next came Nyx. The Hero of Kingsgalive. I know most people thought it was aweful, but I even like Spirits Within, so hate all you want...I wanted to have Nyx. Another $400. I skipped halloween, but decided I had to have Loren for her TMR. It was a good as the Genji Golve, even better. It would make my team unstoppable for the 10 man trials. Another $500. Honestly I don't know what I spent here, I lost count.
The Tower of Zot! We can have Rubicant! Barbariccia would be cool, but Rubicant is one of my favorite enimies of all time. $99...no Rubicant, $99...no Rubicant. WTF!?! This is a 4* base! What is happening!? F&k it, AGAIN. $500, just to be sure. Get Rubicant, keep pulling for Barbariccia, don't need her, I already have 2 Trance Terra's, but why the F*%k not. Its good for the Raid Bonus.
All right! Rainbow Rate is up! EX rewards are 1.5X! Cloud is coming in December! This is the best time to put some $$ in so I am guananteed to get Cloud. Cloud is Awesome! Cloud is iconic! Cloud is the heart of Final Fantasy! I have my zero interest card at $11K, but I am paying it. I have a way of making it look like I am paying off an old debt to cover if my wife asks where the money went. I went all in. $3000 in lapis. That will last me a good long time, then I can pay off my debt and play and just let it all go away.
On December 7th, 2017, my wife asked if she could use my credit card to buy food and send it to a family member celebrating a huge accomplishment. Offhand, she asked if she could see the balance. She saw something in my response trying to dismiss it and wouldn't let it go. I asked her to go upstairs so we could talk in private. I confessed to having a balance of $5600 on my card due to Final Fantasy. A couple days later, I told her the rest of the story.
I am currently $15,800 in debt. My wife no longer trusts me. My kids, who ask me why I am playing Final Fantasy all the time, will never understand how I selfishly spent money I should have been using for their activities. Their birthdays, their festivals, their clothes, their school events, their weekends, their movies.
I have never spent more than $1000 on my wife at one time. I spent $16,000 on digital garbage in about a year. If she decides that she will not divorce me, I owe her more that I could ever repay. I am not playing anymore. I will not get Cloud. I will leave 500K lapis in an account that will stay idle. The "friends" I have will drop me as my days since last played increases. I will not get to beat Marlboro. I will not see how Chapter 2 plays out. I will not have any 7* units. FFBE is over.
I became a gambling addict over a game where there is no return, no reward, for spending my money.
I Flushed $16,000 down the toilet over a game.
TL;DR - Don't whale irresponsibly, the consequences WILL outweigh the investment.
TL;DR #2 - Some people are on this planet to be an example to others, don't be that Guy.
Edit -
Thank you all for your support and ideas. I have a lot of feedback on how I can improve the situation, I will update in some time after getting a few actions completed first.
I really appreciate each and every comment, I have read them all, and I plan to continue to read them to reinforce my resolve to keep my promise to my wife and to my family to remain open and honest.
Please be patient and OP will update.
Whale of a Tale-1 year later (December 7th, 2018)
Well....Its been a year. A year of repentance, a year of ups and downs and everything in between.
One year today marks the day my wife uncovered my FFBE gambling habit. If anyone is unfamiliar with the story, sort by Top (all time).
In the past year I have made a lot of progress. I have substantially paid down my debts, made amends with my family and worked hard to move forward. I cannot say I have been a perfect husband or father, but I would like to think I have improved in many areas. My life is changed beyond measure because of my inability to control myself playing this game.
The biggest blessing I have in my life is my wife. She looks out for me, for our family, and everyone she knows so that people are happy, do not go overboard and keep on a right path.
"Too much of anything is never a good thing" she tells me often. It can apply to food, exercise, work and gaming. I have changed my habits and work hard to include her and my children in everything, instead of trying to escape from them.
To people who wondered, I am 41, a hardware development engineer building servers and father of 3. I help get kids up and ready for school, help them with their homework and make sure bedtime and brushing teeth are enforced.
At my worst, I was pulling for Veritas of the Dark on a trip to the Aquarium with the kids and cousins, spending ~$2500 that day and ignoring my family as they joyfully wandered around looking at fish, octopus and seals. Playing raids on nature hikes with the Cub Scouts.
Now, I would like to believe I am more attentive, more present, in their lives and their mother's life.
My worst guilt is that I still want to play a game that nearly ruined my life.
I just wanted to say to everyone, thank you for your support. Thank you for your kind words, and even many of you who said outright how stupid I was. Thank you for the chance to be a part of Final Fantasy. May all your summons break into Rainbows.
Whale of a Tale - Epilogue (December 7th, 2020)
3 years ago, I posted a story of how I fell. I fell in the eyes of my family, the ones I swore to protect, opening them up to a mountain of risk and debt. Today, I have paid off my debt fully and I hope that I can leave this chapter of my life, my lies, my hidden obsession, my half truths, fully in the past.
Over the past 3 years I have seen a lot of changes. Since the pandemic began, it has been hard to watch as my children spend more and more time playing Roblox and less time playing outdoors, less time studying, physically active and spending time as a family. I realized that I set the precedent of this behavior. I do try to be a more engaged father and husband, it is a daily challenge to keep everyone happy, healthy and well fed.
As to the state of the game, I have followed what is going on at a distance. When I stopped playing, at the release of OG Cloud, a top tier DD was in the 1500 ATK range. When I started, Chizuru was a beast with a 300 ATK. Now, I see NV Remake Cloud at 5000+ ATK. Power creep is real and basically every dollar that I spent ($16000 and then some) has little to no value at this point in the META.
It has been a long period of reflection. There have been fights where all I can do is hang my head in shame as I accept the guilt of spending selfishly on a game when I could have redone the floors in my home and replaced the kitchen counters, the two of these desires of my wife have been postponed due to my lack of self control. These are my priorities now, doing things for my home, saving for my children's future, and I hope doing more to show my wife that she is the most important connection in my life. She forgave me, she supported my recovery and she kept me on the right path. She deserves all the credit for keeping our family together.
Do I miss playing? I do. I said it in the 1 year update and I will say it again. I hate that I still have a desire to play a game that nearly ruined my life. Do I regret my decision? I regret hiding what I was doing from my family and I strive to be more open and honest about what I want and what I am doing.
I don't want to ramble, so I will end here. I did it. I paid my debts. I hope that no one else falls into the same trap and spends beyond their means, or hides what they are doing from their loved ones. Good luck everyone!
-nothing
Reminder that I am not the OOP. Also brigading is not allowed on this sub.

I’m already so frustrated with trying to plan my baby shower ahead, and its not for another few months! Im using a throwaway because I just need this off my chest and it’ll probably be deleted. I feel as though mine & my partner’s families don’t mesh well and it is stressing me out so much. My sister was first to ask me if she could plan my shower and I automatically agreed because she is amazing at planning events, thats literally her job title so I have no doubts. My partners mom asked if she could get in contact with sister to help. I said okay, and gave my sister her phone number so that partners mother could coordinate their part of the family with whatever we plan.
Well, the issue started when I wanted to have the baby shower at my house. I wanted it here so it would be less work for me and I wont have to drive out anywhere. My partners mom informed me our house is too tiny to host that many people and it might get hectic, so I took her up on her offer to host at her house instead. My mom informed me if we have it at her house my elderly grandparents wont be able to drive that far to attend and they mean the world to me. Okay, we’ll have it in my grandparents city and find somewhere big enough. I told my partner this and he said we cant expect our friends and other family to drive the 2.5 hours, but I’m like what other choice do we have! My sister and brother are driving more than that! I also wasn’t supposed to know this but my sister complained to my mom that my partners mom was taking over on planning and I’m like why is there already drama? I literally don’t know what to do and this was supposed to be completely hands off for me/I wasn’t supposed to be involved in planning because Im not supposed to be stressed out. I am already so frustrated with this and I dont even want to have one at this point or just have two separate.

Lobo #20 - John Constantine
<< l < l > l >>
Author: trumpetcrash
Book: Lobo
Arc: John Constantine [#1 of 1]
Set: 85
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PREVIOUSLY ON LOBO: After a galactic goose chase to find a man with a bounty on his head for his stolen time travel technology, Lobo discovered that the time travelling technology was a hoax and that he had no way to travel into the past and erase his despicable self. To make matters worse, Scapegoat – demon and his best friend – told him that he’d manipulated Lobo at birth to turn him into an unstoppable brutalization machine in order to help destroy the Divine – and Heaven – in the coming Revolution. Scapegoat, in an attempt to pry Lobo away from emotional and Earthly misgivings, instructs one of his demonic underlings to kill Lobo’s daughter, Crush. She’s bene on her homeworld of Earth for several weeks, scrounging around the streets of Gotham, but if she’s going to have a chance at surviving this demon attack, she’ll need some help…
Most people would expect a renowned demon-slayer’s breakfast to contain eyeballs or tentacles or something else that would make your average Earthling peel away in disgust, but these people overestimate the strength of John Constantine’s culinary palette; at the time that this tale took place, he started every day with a quarter of a box of Captain Crunch.
His demonic consort, Ellie, mentioned it every morning that she ate with him. “The mighty Constantine, eating cereal made for children.”
John, usually not completely dressed by breakfast-time (or lunchtime, for that matter), would shrug and flaccidly insult her own choice of calamari-kabobs.
One morning, though, there were no insults. John’s Captain Crunch went unsullied and Ellie just nibbled at her squid without committing to any particular bite. The air was heavy – not with sulfur as in Hell, but with the shadows of secrets – for several minutes.
Eventually, John spoke. “You haven’t been quite the same since I took ol’ Swampy and that alien to kill Negral,” he said. “Is his death still bothering you?”
Her red irises flashed up to John. “Of course not. I said I wanted to turn over a new leaf, and I meant it. I’m not sick of do-gooding yet, John. After all, variety is the spice of life.”
John nodded as if he hadn’t heard it a hundred times before. He returned his gaze to his breakfast bowl, but not before saying, “Anything interesting happening in the ol’ demon world today?”
“You’ve said “ol’” without the “d” twice now, Johnny boy. You feeling okay over there?”
“No misdirection, please. I just want to stay up to date in the demon world. That’s all. No fights.”
“You want to stay up to date, so you keep using the word ‘old’…”
John knew Ellie was hiding something but didn’t think he could get it out of there, so he just sighed and started to chew with his mouth open.
Smacking, his mother had called it.
It affected Ellie almost as much as it affected John’s mother. Her spine clenched, her eyes widened, and her nostrils flared.
“John–” she began. “You know I don’t like it when you chew with your mouth open.”
“I think I remember that.” John twisted his face in mock concentration while Ellie fumed. “But I also recall that I get pissy when people who I work with keep secrets from–”
“John, don’t be such a ba–”
She would’ve called him a “baby” and moved onto progressively worse insults if it wasn’t for the shriek of John’s cell phone. It wasn’t the phone in his pajama pants pocket that he would’ve happily ignored a call on, but the phone that was ceremoniously hung on the motel basement’s dingy wall with glorious Command Strip technology.
It was the emergency phone.
John left his Captain Crunch behind as he leapt out of his seat and towards the wall. He opened the phone, expecting it to be a costumed superhero or his friend Chas or maybe even his sister; instead, it was the voice of a burly alcoholic.
“Constantine.”
“Lobo,” John realized aloud. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”
“A demon named Scapegoat is orchestrating the final battle between Heaven and Hell,” he said simply. “And he wants to kill my daughter, who’s on Earth. You need to stop him.”
John cast a glance backwards at Ellie, who just smoldered.
“Where, Lobo?”
Gotham seemed more alien to Crush than outer space could ever hope to be.
Outer space was more colorful and more obnoxious than Gotham, but it didn’t seem as dangerous. Sure, there were entities of unbelievable power lurking on that forbidden moon or right behind that nebula, but they were too big to have the effect of a rusty shiv pecking at your ribcage. Space lacked the stench that Gotham entrepreneurs could bottle up and sell on the interstellar black market as a tool in any amateur torturer’s toolkit.
Despite it all, though, Crush couldn’t quite pull herself away.
She came to Gotham first to help fight the vampire hordes. She did her part and saved some people despite seeing terrible things. After getting her parents back to their land she should’ve gone back to L.E.G.I.O.N., back to her surrogate family, but she was too morbidly intrigued by Gotham to return. It felt like something that her father would’ve loved – the kind of thing that was in her blood. The kind of thing that was evil, demonic to the most extreme vector. The kind of thing she shouldn’t have gotten herself mixed up in.
She never did, really. She stayed out of the local vigilantes’ sights and did a little do-gooding work on the side. A few drug dealers had been locked up because of her. She tried to try booze – sure, she’d had a can of beer here and there back home, but she didn’t really want to even do that again now that she’d seen her father – and couldn’t bring herself to drink it.
That’s when she knew she was ready, when she was sitting at the bar and felt with absolute certainty that she’d never sit at one again off the clock. She stood up and turned away from her untouched drink, her chest slightly more swollen with self-confidence than before.
That’s also when she saw the demon.
At first, she thought that there was a tall, straight-backed man in a heavy black cloak coming to take her just-vacated seat. She shuffled slightly to the left to make way, but the man didn’t follow through the channel. That’s when she realized that his face wasn’t just dark-skinned, but fuzzy and humming too.
His face was moving, as if it was made of a hundred little–
Crush yelped a bit when the first centipede shot out of the cloak and onto her uncovered left bicep. The little thing squealed and tried to sink its pinchers into her muscle until her right arm came up to swat it. It burst with a small pop, but by the time it was dead there were three more skittering on her and more spraying everywhere else in the bar.
The crowd around her started to scream and rush for the exits. Crush heard one or two people holler, “It bit me!”, and saw at least three fall to the floor, but she couldn’t tell if it was because they were bit or because other people toppled them over and trampled over them in the rush to escape. Crush just knew she had to get the bugs on off her; she ran her hands over her arms and neck and she leapt into the air and landed behind the bar counter, momentarily out of sight of the centipede-man.
Crush had no idea what the centipedes’ bites would do to a Czarian, but she wasn’t hankering to find out.
The gap between the bar counter and the wall was lined with bottles of booze and sinks and drinkware and everything else that normal bar operations required. Crush was trying to figure out if she could use any of it when the shifting face appeared over her. A buzzing, claw-ended hand reached over the counter for her, coming for her face. It dropped insects that she hit away in mid-air with one hand as the other reached for her gun. Before she could grab it something else reached over the counter and yanked the demon away from her. She puzzled as she checked the cartridge in her gun and raised it.
Someone was dueling with the creature now, someone with oily gray skin and with the head of… a fish? This confused Crush more than anything else. Why was a walking fish trying to save her? She shook the questions from her head and shifted the gun to the right, aimed firmly at the bug man. Then something insidious flashed in her right ankle, and with a scream the gun fired and shot a blast of energy into her attacker. She couldn’t see the effect, though, since the sudden pain in her leg sent her rolling over the bar counter and onto the ground neck-first.
When she was next awake her vision of the bar, with the fish (no, shark) man bound to a bar-stool by a rope of skittering centipedes, was tinted red. Something in her leg was jerking back and forth, moving her flesh and muscle and bone and drinking her blood. It felt as if it had been happening for hours, but perhaps it was only seconds.
The man – no, the thing – in the cloak stood a few feet away, ominous and silent except for the chittering bugs that made up his form. She wanted to ask it why it had done this, why it was hurting her, who the shark-man was, but she was too busy screaming in pain.
The pain started to travel up her leg, and she thought that she might die.
Then there was a flash of light and there was a fourth person – being, at least – in the room. This one was a human man and a shaggy caramel-colored beard that matched the tousle of hair atop his head. He looked like a detective in the dingy trench coat he donned, and he held something in front of him that Crush couldn’t make out due to her pain-induced convulsions.
“Beelzey, Beelzey,” the man tittered. “Working with crawly critters now, are you?”
“My name is Beelzebub.” Its voice was like a hum that came from nowhere in particular. “Johnny.”
“John Constantine,” the man sighed. He raised what had been in his hand to his mouth, and Crush’s stomach sunk when she saw it was just a cigarette and not some weapon.
“Connie.”
“Whatever. I’m here to stop you from killing her –” he waved a finger towards Crush. “And… whatever the Hell that shark thing is.”
“I don’t have the charm to kill that thing,” hummed Beelzebub. “It was just a nuisance.”
“Who gave you the charm to kill the girl?”
Crush thought she might’ve seen a centipede curl into a smile on Beelzebub’s face, but a fork of shooting pain ripped her attention away from it.
“That is not of your concern, mortal.”
“Then it’s a good thing I’m concerning myself with it.” Constantine pulled something else out of the pockets of the trench coat. “I think that you were given your charm by someone who shouldn’t’ve been giving it to you. I think that if I crush this rock–” he flashed a ruby pinched by his pointer finger and thumb – “that you and your buddies are screwed out of luck for the time being. Shall we try it?”
The buzzing got louder and something deep and evil started to howl in denial, but before the centipedes suddenly flying through the air could reach Constantine, he crushed the little gem between the folds of his palm. Suddenly the cloaked figure and all the centipedes – including the one in Crush’s leg – were gone.
After an indefinite period of time, Crush awoke with a little splash of water on her face. Constantine had laid her out on the pool table. Her mouth started to form into a question, but Constantine interrupted.
“Beelzebub tried leading a rebellion a couple millennia ago, and now he’s chained to the will of his hellish superiors. Apparently there’s a bit of a shakeup going on, though, since a low-ranking demon named Scapegoat was able to get him onto our plane of existence.”
“Scapegoat?” Her leg still burned.
“Apparently one of your dad’s old drinking buddies. Don’t give me that look, I’ll explain when we get back to the compound. You’ll be safe there, at least for a time.”
Crush was too weak to argue, so she just nodded and tilted her head to the other figure over the pool table. “Who’s that?”
The aquatic beast chuffed a few words.
“According to police databases, his name – designation, really – is King Shark. He’s a mutant that says a man who smells just like you broke him out of jail a few months ago. Says he’s in your debt.”
“That’s… that’s…”
“I know.” Constantine reached down and grabbed her shoulder. “Deep breath, now, okay? This’ll only take a minute.”
Crush found the motel – or whatever they called these things in Britain – unsanitary; she didn’t believe in staying overnight at a place where you have to check for cockroaches before you commit to each step.
The room they materialized in was sparsely decorated. There was a folding table, a few chairs to go with it, and some rudimentary appliances (coffee maker, microwave, etc) which sat atop a counter on one side of the room. Sitting at the table was a slender, evil-eyed woman with billowing red-and-black hair. When Constantine and his tagalongs first appeared, she looked pissed, but after seeing both Crush and King Shark, her expression turned to one of confusion.
“What have you gotten yourself into this time?” she tittered. “Is this the girl you’re supposed to return to her father?”
“Actually, Ellie, he wanted me to hold onto her and keep her safe until the war’s blown over.” John sauntered over to the table and took a seat, not bothering to guide Crush or her aquatic guardian. “So we’re gonna build a little compound right here.”
The woman – Ellie – rolled her eyes. “You think we can hide out from a cosmic war in the basement of this shitty place?”
“The battle will take place in some part of space far, far away, and you know how these battles go. No one will really win, nothing will really change. Let them measure their dicks for all I care. Besides, I used up quite a few favors getting the girl – Crush – out of a bind with Beelzebub. Best to lay low for a couple weeks.” He finally turned towards Crush and King Shark. “Help yourself to whatever’s in the fridge. There’s a room for each of you over there.” He pointed towards a hallway that sprouted out of the eastern wall.
“Well… thank you.” Despite her timid timbre, Crush really meant it. King Shark echoed with his own thick and rubbery “Thank you.”
“Are either of you hungry? It’s still breakfast-time here in England, but Ellie makes a mean grilled cheese, and if you don’t like those we might be able to find–”
“No thank you.” Crush put her hand up. “I’m just going to go lay down for a few. Thank you, again.”
“Be sure to shake the bedsheets!” John called as she sulked down the hallway. King Shark followed, but had the good sense to enter a separate room from hers. “There might still be bugs in them!”
Crush sighed a heavy sigh, for she was starting to think that this place was going to make Gotham look luxurious.
That night, John ignored Ellie’s soft, nimble hands and her puckered lips.
“We have guests, Ellie,” he groaned softly into her ear, for they were still tangled up in each other under the bedsheets. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but it’ll have to wait.”
“When did you become so prudish?” She twisted herself out of their twist and sat up on her knees. “It’s just an overgrown fish and a moody alien.”
“That moody alien is a moody teenage girl, Ellie. I don’t give a damn about the shark, but I feel weird–”
“John, you have sex with a demon every night. I think you’ve passed weird.”
John took a big breath of a sigh and brought himself up to look Ellie in the eyes. “Ellie, you’ve treated me like an annoyance all day. Why should I go out of my way to please you right now?”
“Because I’ll make you feel good too.” The invisible tongue of her pleasure started upon John’s neck, but he mentally swatted it away.
“The truth, Ellie. Something’s been bothering you.”
Her arms folded across her chest (not just to display annoyance, but also to accentuate her bosom), and she huffed and puffed in a way that the average mortal would incorrectly assume was improper for a demon.
“Ellie…”
“Fine.” Her face twisted up into something… crooked. “The other night, I was visited by a demon. Don’t get that look, we didn’t do anything. He summoned me to take part in the Revolution; apparently that Scapegoat guy really is amassing an unholy army to defeat the growing Divine army. And they want me in it, John. The want me in it.”
John tried not to draw back, tried not to show her he was scared. “What did you say, Ellie?”
Her face pinched. “That I’d think about it.”
“So you haven’t been on the outs with me because you’ve been regretting sending me to kill Negral?”
Hesitation betrayed her. “John, I –”
“Ellie… you’ve been doing so good, you’ve been acting like a real –”
“A real what, John?” she snapped. “What is it that you want me to be?”
His hands found hers, brought them closer to his chest. “The best possible version of yourself, Ellie. And how can you be that if you participate in the battle that might end the universe?”
“I’m a demon, John. Maybe it’s about time you get that through your skull.” Her voice was hard; she took her hands away, rolled off the bed, stood up. “I’m not chained to your mortal universe like you are.”
John followed her off the bed. “Are you sure about that, Ellie? Can you really mean that, now?”
When Ellie finally did speak, it was accompanied by a single drop of brimstone rolling from her eye.
Crush had spent her first day in the motel basement falling in and out of sleep before allowing the tides of drowsiness to submerge her until the British sun rose the next morning. She readied herself in her room and sauntered into the storage-area-turned-living-quarters – she still had to ask John and Ellie why they were staying at the bottom of a motel – and found it deserted. No matter; she took out her phone (the Terran one she could only use on Earth) and caught up on all the trends that she’d missed while with L.E.G.I.O.N. or fighting crime in Gotham. She expected that social media would feed her relief, but really, it just made her feel useless.
She was ready to find a way out of the basement when a figure emerged from the east-bound hallway: John Constantine. He looked as shaggy as always, but there was something about him – maybe the gauntness of his face and twitch of his fingers – that made him seem even less put-together than usual. Crush attempted a smile at him, but his eyes passed over it vacantly.
“Where’s Ellie?” she found herself asking, thinking the name of his lover would brighten him up. “You said she makes a mean grilled cheese.”
John, who’d found the coffee pot, let his hands fall away from the machine and turned towards her, knife-marks in his eyes. “She’s not going to be here for the foreseeable future.”
“Oh.” Crush cursed herself for bringing her up and cursed herself doubly when she realized that her mouth was asking, without her permission, “Why?”
“She had… other matters to attend to. A war to wage that I cannot be a part of.”
“Okay.” Crush vaguely wondered if this had to do with Beelzebub and the fact that her father had pissed someone off enough to try and kill his daughter. The idea of her father getting wrapped up with religious factions should’ve been comical, but she just couldn’t bring herself to laugh. “When am I –”
“You’re not getting out,” John said shortly, throatily. “Not until the Revolution’s been fought.”
“The Revolution?”
John, who had turned his back towards Crush and his trunk towards the coffee pot, now whirled around and barred his teeth. “The cataclysmic battle between Heaven and Hell that your father’s old friend has been planning for longer than you can fathom, the battle that, if the demons win, could spell subjugation for everything born for the rest of eternity! So, yes, we are staying inside my bubble!”
Crush had not been prepared for such a brutish, outright, emotional assault. It was more of a shrapnel-stuffed grenade than a tactical missile, in all honesty, but it was still frightening. She had the fortitude not to twitch, but on the inside, she squirmed.
“Sounds like the type of thing that we fight, then. Save the universe and all.”
Crush saw fire in John’s eyes; the fact that fire, so symbolically red, turns blue when hot enough explained why Crush could not make out the sheen over his irises and coronas.
“I have the place locked down with magic,” John said tightly. “Here we stay.” He snatched the coffee machine, unplugged it from the wall, and tore off to his room amid his billowing trench coat. Crush looked after him, wistful for something unknown, and sighed.
Eventually King Shark came out, helped himself to some of the popsicles in the freezer, lamented the lack of fish in the fridge to the best of his limited vocabulary’s ability, and sat next to Crush. She was bored of social media and sought to teach King Shark cards instead. The cribbage board proved too complex, as did any form of trick-taking game or even solitaire, but he was able to learn Go Fish quite well – as soon as he realized that one wasn’t supposed to eat the cards, despite the game’s name.
John darted in and out of the general living quarters for several days. Crush could never establish a conversation with him. She looked for any sign of spiritual warfare, but besides the tame terrorism and do-gooding of everyday life, couldn’t find anything.
One time, when he was grabbing a beer, King Shark asked about Ellie too. John gave him the same scarred look he’d showed Crush – although not as cutting as that one – and said, “That’s up to her, now. We can simply wish her the best.”
It wasn’t until the fifth or sixth day – Crush was losing track of time with only Go Fish to mark its passage by – that Crush was able to start a real conversation with him.
“Can you let me use my interstellar phone?” she repeated several times when he was grabbing a bottle of beer from the fridge. “I need to tell the team at L.E.G.I.O.N. that I’m okay.”
“You’ll tell them where you are, or that the Revolution is coming. That isn’t okay.”
Crush moved her hulking frame in between him and the hall to his room. “Why not? Don’t you want something to do something about it?”
John shrugged. “I’ve been doing things for a lotta years, sister.” He was mildly intoxicated. “Time to take myself out of the mix.”
“Ellie’s up there, isn’t she?” It was a bold assertion on Crush’s part. “And she’s on the other side. And you don’t want to fight her.” Nothing on his face, just alcohol-carved stone. “You don’t have to, Mr. Constantine, but you have to let me out.”
“And me,” grunted King Shark from somewhere behind them.
“And the King,” amended Crush.
For a moment she thought John would break, but then she found herself flying ass-over-teakettle and saw John stepping over her and into his room.
She and King Shark numbly discussed breakout plans, but she didn’t know the first thing about magical charms, and even if he did, he probably wouldn’t have been able to communicate it.
It was a surprise when, on the seventh morning, she woke up blinking the sun’s rays away.
“I didn’t think I had a window…” she grumbled sleepily before she pulled herself up and pulled herself into consciousness. “We’re outside!” She and King Shark really were deposited on the lawn of the motel.
John stood over them, neither smiling nor glowering. “I’m guessing you have a ship somewhere?” Crush nodded. “Safe travels. I won’t be able to transport you again. It’s a rather limited power, but it’s also a long story.”
Crush kept nodding as if she understood. “My ship seats three.”
“Then you two will have room to pick someone up along the way.” Now he smiled, but it was a sad one.
“Why are you doing this, John?” asked Crush, now standing and staring into his eyes. “Refusing the battle, I mean.”
“Because… I might love her, Crush,” he said. “And frankly, I don’t know how to deal with it. I’ve loved people before, but no one else is like her. I… it’s easier this way. I’m more of a screw-up than I let on, Crush, and you don’t want me screwing you and your father and whoever else you freaks accumulate up. No feelings.”
Once again, Crush nodded as if she meant it. “No hard feelings. Goodbye, John.”
“Bye, Crush. Tell your father I said hi.”
“I will.” Crush started walking then, not letting herself look back. King Shark followed obediently, although he did look back. He looked all over. Crush found his curiosity somewhat amusing, and idly wondered how he’d do in space, and how he’d do when fighting the hordes of demons that surely laid in their path…
NEXT TIME: The epic four-part “Lobo the Czarian” begins. We shift our perspective back to our favorite damned bounty hunter as he prepares himself for the battle of a lifetime and grapples with the realization that his lifelong friend and mentor Scapegoat had groomed him to be a tool of demonic destruction for his whole life. The next five months will be wild ride, folks, so buckle up! Thank you all for making it this far into not only this issue but this series, and if you only started reading Lobo midway through its run, I’d recommend going back through all of the earlier issues before reading “Lobo the Czarian” because it’s going to be a bit of a victory lap over all of this bounty hunter’s lore and what-have-you. See you all next month, and till then, stay safe and keep on readin’.

Hello fellow Knicks fans. Last year I had a lot of fun writing up reviews for each player, and I decided I’ll make it a yearly thing. Format will be a little different to keep it fresh but same goals; evaluate players based on how they looked, their numbers, advanced stats, team stats, and an eye to next year. I will go player by player until I cover all major players on the Knicks roster. Enjoy! If you want to check out Obi’s write up and the others give a click here.
Player Profile: Josh Hart
Age: 27
Contract Remaining: Has a player option for $13M that he can exercise right now
2022-23 Season 76 GP, 52GS, 32MPG
9.8PTS, 7.8REB, 3.8AST, 1.2STL, .3BLK, 2.6TOV per game.
53%/37%/75% Shooting splits
The Knicks trade for Josh Hart saved their season. To be able to plug in a player with his skillset was beyond invaluable. Josh Hart is more or less a swiss army knife. Almost reminds me of what Landry Fields could’ve been if he hadn’t been hit up with so many injuries. Hart is a good ball handler, arguably the best rebounding guard in the NBA, a solid scorer and a very good defender. He very much was the prototypical “Thibs” mold player, playing gritty hard nosed basketball and never backing down. He is particularly adept at going coast to coast and forcing defenders to make quick choices, something we saw from him often. The one knock on him is his lack of perimeter shooting. In a very small sample size with the Knicks he shot 50%, but overall for his career he’s a 35% shooter from 3, a little below league average. Hard to gauge just how truly valuable Hart’s addition to the team was. He helped guide us to the 5th seed and without a doubt made it a little easier to play when Brunson was lost due to injury. Along with Grimes, having Hart gave the Knicks the ability to deploy two great perimeter defenders on the floor.
Advanced Stats: VORP: 1.8 WS/48: .118 PER: 14.1 TS%: 62
Now the advanced stats above are for the whole season. Overall, they’re solid. It shows Hart as a legit NBA player albeit more of a role player. However, it’s worth looking at his advanced numbers specifically as a Knicks (although of course, worth mentioning a much smaller sample size). His VORP with the Knicks was 1, which means he accrued almost half his value on the year in just a 25 game span, which means he played with remarkable efficiency. His WS/48 with POR was .091 but with the Knicks jumped to .179 which is incredible. His TS% also jumped from 58% to 70%!, although again, that is buoyed by low volume but effective 3pt shooting. His PER was 17 with the Knicks, much higher than the 12 with POR.
For the season Hart finished about right in the middle of the pack when it comes to defensive rating among players that participated in 50 games and played at least 15min per game. Tough to get a read on his effectiveness on the Knicks as he didn’t spend most of his time here and he also had tough assignments. His defensive box plus/minus definitely indicates that he was effective as part of the team's defensive effort with the Knicks, logging at +2, whereas at POR he sat in with a .7.
I’m not doing a super deep look at Hart’s lineup numbers as he really just wasn’t on the team long enough to meet the usual threshold I use (50 total min played as a unit). However, one interesting note is that Hart is in 2 of our 4 highest net rated lineups. I have no doubt if he played with us all year he would be in much more.
2023 Playoffs: 10.4PTS, 7.4REB, 2.2AST, .8STL, .3BLK, 1.9TOV per game
48%/31%/63% from the field
0.1 VORP WS/48 .088 PER 10.8
Like most Knicks, Hart really struggled offensively in the postseason. It is worth noting that it was Hart’s first foray into the playoffs and players tend to struggle in their playoff doubts, acclimating to the pressure and increased rigor, especially from opponent defense. But as I mentioned with other guys like IQ, Randle and Grimes, you have to show up when it counts. Hart’s defense showed up as it usually did, and as far as his perimeter game he did about as well as you can expect based on his career numbers, but advanced stats show his offense was a problem. His FT shooting fell off a cliff, which is never a good thing. His AST/TO ratio was also almost 1:1 which you never want from someone who does the playmaking that he does. I wouldn’t go as far to say Hart was a thorn in our postseason run, but our team lacked so much offensive efficiency that it hurt that no one really seemed to step up.
2023 Off season
In terms of his skills, Hart doesn’t have too much refinement to go through. As a rebounder and defender, he is likely tapped out and above average at both. On offense, he can continue to try to work on having a better three ball shot, he’s had seasons where he’s above league average so it's not a crazy ask. If he could grow another 2-3 inches that would be ideal.
Overall Grade for 2022-23 season: (as a Knick) A
Hart basically did everything that was asked of him and more. Very clutch and Johnny on the spot throughout his half season here. I’m curious to see what happens with him in terms of his contract. I don’t want to see Hart go, but we only have so much more money to spend and while he isn’t a bad 3 point shooter, we need even more 3 point shooting and Hart isn’t someone that really spreads the floor. The FO will definitely earn their paycheck this offseason for sure.
More to come soon. Let’s go Knicks!

Nick’s earliest memories were of an unhappy home. His father, an alcoholic gambling addict, would regularly disappear for days, returning in the same clothes and not having shaved for days, and having blown all their savings on his binge. Eventually, in his mothers attempts to stand her ground, she tried to make him choose his family or the gambling. It drove him into a rage where he ended up beating her severely and running before the police came, and that was the last time he saw his father.
At 12 years old, his mother died of cancer that quickly spread through her body after first being discovered. Refusing to live with the parents of his father, he ran away and lived on the streets. For such a young boy, he was quite shrewd, shoplifting food from various grocery stores. Within just a couple months, he was devising schemes with teenagers to shoplift from department stores to mom and pop stores, and everything in between, selling the goods to local pawn shops. He learned how to learn the dead-zones of cameras, how to pry the security tags off of items, and how to distract security.
Then his friend gave him the idea of breaking into closed stores or vacation homes to rob them. He was careful, wearing a hoodie, tied to leave no stray hairs as evidence, a mask, gloves, different shoes, and a reversible jacket on the outside that he could flip around to quickly match a different description.
It was successful for the first few attempts, but then he decided to do a job on his own, and attempted to rob the wrong store.
He was casing the place, knocking on the door at the same time every day to ensure nobody was answering the door. Breaking a small window atop the lower floor and climbing a garbage pail to hop through. He went to the cash register, feeling like he hit the jackpot when he discovered more than a thousand in cash, totaling to a few thousand. But he wasn’t aware that the building wasn’t at all abandoned and was attached to a second building, and was a front for Patrick O’Sullivan, a member of the Irish Mob, and they just so happened to be doing a deal at the time.
He tried to run away, heading towards the door, but eventually ran into a boy not much older than he was. He always carried a switchblade with him as a last resort, pulling it on the boy. But he didn’t have it in him to stab the boy. He hesitated. And he got caught.
They forced him to take a seat at the table, and Patrick paced back and forth, Nick’s switchblade in hand. “So you want to steal from *me*?” He scoffs as he flicks open the switchblade. “Usually I would just cut off your fingers so you learn your lesson.” He turns to look at Nick was rage in his eyes. “But you *threatened my son*!?” he shouts into the boy's face, holding the knife just inches from his neck.
“Wait.” Nick hears a voice from behind him protest. Walking around him, narrowing his eyes as he gets a better look at his face, then nodding to himself. He has a different complexion than the others. “I recognize this kid. He’s the son of one of ours. Let him go, I’ll handle this.” he says as he turns to one of his associates, handling a much larger sum of money than NIck had just stolen, tossing it on the table in front of Nick. “This should cover the inconvenience.” He turns back to Nick and gives Nick a stern look. “I’ll make sure no threats to your family ever happen again. And this boy will make it up to you tenfold, *right*?” He gives Nick a small, almost imperceivable nod. Nick quickly agrees.
That was the day Nick met Lorenzo Columbo of the Italian Mafia. Nick never understood why he stepped in and saved him, Lorenzo only claimed that he saw ‘potential’ in him, but it earned Nick’s undying loyalty. He became like a father figure in Nick’s life, something he had never had prior. He gave him a place to stay with one of the maids, whose English wasn’t the best, but as she couldn’t have children of her own she took him as one of her own. Lorenzo taught him how to get by with less risk, *without* getting caught, while also teaching him the value of a hard work ethic.
But it wasn’t all smooth sailing, particularly when it came to family issues. Lorenzo’s daughter, Luna, never understood why her father brought Nick into their life. She was very attached, an only child, and being a few years younger than Nick, Lorenzo never explained what happened to her as she would have been too young to understand, and she tried to keep his direct family from getting involved in any ‘business’ issues. But he was trying to teach Nick how to be a man who could take care of himself, as he has already experienced so many things that no boy his age should have been exposed to.
Lorenzo was gone most of the time, handling business, unintentionally neglecting Luna. Like Nick, she was mostly raised by the maids, spending far more time with them than she spent with her own family. The maids and her dog were her primary companions. She never understood why Nick was allowed to join Lorenzo at work, but she couldn’t. She became increasingly jealous of the time spent with Nick, eventually despising him. She would be the first to remind Nick that he wasn’t really one of their family, and that he never would be. She would lash out, disobeying her fathers rules, but Lorenzo had a soft spot for children and she would be allowed to get away with it. The only rule he was extremely strict on is that she wasn’t allowed to leave the house without supervision, in that way he was overprotective of her, fearing that someone might take her away to get back at him.
Nick never understood why she hated him so much. He never did anything wrong to her, and she constantly targeted him. He didn’t ask for any of this, he just did as told, and tried to be obedient - something that Luna certainly was not. Due to how she treated him, he developed a distaste for her. Considering he spent a lot of efforts trying to stay in line and follow the rules, he never understood why she *never* followed the rules, and why he was judged so harshly for breaking the rules, while she could get away with anything. It didn’t seem fair. From that point, though he wasn’t one of their family members, it was almost like they had a never-ending sibling rivalry.
-----
6 years later…
Lorenzo asked Nick to speak to him privately. He confided that they had a major problem. One of the O’Sullivan brothers was dead. Lorenzo expressed that it breaks his heart to have to ask for this, but they need somebody to take the fall, and asked Nick if he could do it, promising that he would make it up to him and be there for him once he’s out.
To Lorenzo’s surprise, Nick gladly accepted. Nick felt that he owed his *life* to Lorenzo and would do *anything* for him, because he wouldn’t even be alive if it wasn’t for Lorenzo.
It wasn’t until the day of the trial that he was informed that *Luna* was the person he was taking a fall for. As much as that explained why Lorenzo needed somebody to take the fall - he couldn’t let his daughter go down, and it would be extremely poor optics if his daughter murdered one of them - he wondered to himself why it had to be her of all people. ‘It’s just like her to *literally* get away with murder!’, he thought to himself. But he was loyal, and still decided to do what he agreed to without dispute.
The part that really upset him was when she took the stand as a witness. She burst out crying, accusing Nick of being ‘crazed’, how all they were doing was hanging out peacefully and over a joke he snapped and couldn’t control himself, giving explicit detail about how brutal he was, how he grabbed the murder weapon - a relatively small but heavy ornamental statue - and just wouldn’t stop hitting him. She almost got it escalated from homicide to murder, and would have if Lorenzo didn’t pay for the best lawyer in the state. Nick tried his best to keep his cool, and had to accept that Luna finally got what she wanted… For Nick to be gone.
-----
10 years later…
Nick is finally released, and Lorenzo has provided him with a home. But they had to be discreet, as it would seem quite obvious if he fell right back in line after serving time for killing one of the Irish without permission.
One day, Lorenzo calls and says it’s an emergency, he needs Nick to meet him at the house urgently.
Nick arrives at the house, standing in the next room awaiting a moment to speak with Lorenzo.
“What do you mean you’re leaving!?” he hears the unmistakable bitterness of Luna’s voice speaking to her father. “You’re leaving me!?” Her voice is becoming increasingly distraught. “I guess I should be used to you leaving by now!” it sounds as if she’s on the verge of tears.
“Sweetie, this is urgent.” Lorenzo says calmly. “Tell me something new, dad!” she says with a scoff. After a brief pause. “... How bad is it?” she asks her father. He remains quiet. “Why aren’t you saying anything!?” Lorenzo breaths in deeply and sighs. “It’s nothing for you to worry ab-” Luna interrupts him. “I’m not a child!” she spats back at him. “Luna, watch your tone!” he says commandingly, leaving no room for dispute.
“I’m putting someone else in charge. You’re going to listen to everything he tells you to do in my absence. Do not give him a hard time, do you hear me? There will be no negotiation. Just because I’m not here, does not mean you can do whatever it is you want to, is that clear?” he demands.
“Yeah, whatever. Have a safe trip dad.” She stomps out of the room, Nick only seeing the back of her head as she speeds by, hiding her face, presumably to hide tears. She didn’t even notice him.
Nick enters the room, Lorenzo seeming relieved at his presence. Nick presumes that Lorenzo wasn’t sure if he would show up. He stands tall, hands clasped behind his back as Lorenzo takes a seat.
“Nick, I have to leave, and I’m leaving you in charge. I don’t have time to explain.”
Without hesitation, Nick responds. “How long can I expect you to be gone?”
“That is left to be determined…” Lorenzo says, sounding almost sad.
Nick gives a small nod. “I assume there will be an announcement of my authority to minimize insubordination? And I’ll need a briefing on your dealings, as well as a place to stay while you are gone.”
Lorenzo lets out a small chuckle. “Nicolaus, you already know all of my dealings. I have never kept any secrets from you. And you could choose any of the guest rooms here to stay in.” Ever since he was a child, Lorenzo was the only person to call Nick by his full name. To others, he was just Nick, or to the maid staff, he was Nicky as a term of endearment.
“You can trust that your business will be safe under my care, sir.” Nick says confidently.
“And my daughter?” Lorenzo tilts his head down, eyes looking up at Nick’s with a piercing gaze.
Up until this point, Nick has done a good job of keeping stone-faced. But he’s sure that at hearing about her, that Lorenzo could see a slight wince on his face.
“Yes sir, of course.”
-----
A little while later, Nick had taken some time to process the situation. He realized he needs to read between the lines of this situation and figure out why *he* was chosen for the job. It makes little sense. Optics are extremely bad, leaving a person with his history not only being accepted back, but now in charge?
Nick dared not question Lorenzo any further, not only because of his integrity and respect for authority, but because he knew if Lorenzo did not give any further information, it’s because he does not feel comfortable speaking around the others.
Then there’s the way he mentioned his daughter. Nick could sense that this means Luna is in danger. There must be some legitimate threat out there, one that his regular people couldn’t handle, or could not be trusted for. And that’s likely related to the reason he’s leaving too. The bad blood between us implies how serious the threat must be.
Nick has to come to terms with the fact that he’d had to dedicate nearly half of his life to her protection. Whether he likes it or not, fate keeps leading him right back to her. Not that she ever has shown any appreciation for it. But he wouldn’t have any life to live if it wasn’t for Lorenzo, so it’s decided. If he must stake his life for her protection again, then so be it.
He just hopes she will cooperate this time… Last he heard, Luna was always notorious for her rebelliousness and knack of getting in trouble. Seemingly even killing people on a whim, despite never being trained in combat.
He suspects keeping Luna in line might be an even more difficult job than the last one he had to do for her…
Once settled in a guest room and Lorenzo preparing to leave, he acts distant from most of the others, with a cold, calm demeanor, always seeming in control, much like Lorenzo. Aside from the maid staff, whom he is quite pleasant with. After all, some of them were the ones who raised him.
He decides it’s time to focus on his duties, approaching Luna’s bedroom door, actually feeling a bit nervous. Not about what she might do, as much as trying to keep himself in check, as he’s well aware of how much unresolved anger there is which has been ignored rather than dealt with. But knowing Luna’s rebellious nature, he knows he needs to establish authority while her father is gone.
He chuckles to himself at the irony of how facing Luna feels like a fate worse than prison.
He steels himself, face becoming stone, jaw slightly clenched, as he knocks on the door.
No longer is he the scrawny boy that she last saw, now a hardened man, looking far different from before. More imposing. Standing 6’1 with a scruffy face and long wavy hair, making his complexion seem darker than it is. In his mind, he expects to see a young, rebellious teenager answering the door, music playing in the background as she rolls her eyes at him in disdain for being interrupted.
-----
While Luna used to be adventurous and outgoing, she was never the same after that day she encountered Liam O’Sullivan.
Nobody but her father knew the truth. The reality that on that fateful day, Liam had tried to rape her. Well, more than tried, he *did* rape her. But she didn’t go easily. Maybe she would have been able to fight him off if her father taught her to defend herself how she always wanted to, but she fought back with all her might. And once he fell off balance, she grabbed the closest thing she could find, the statue, and lost control. Unable to stop swinging until he stopped moving. She never thought she would be capable of something so horrible.
That’s the real reason for her outburst at the trial. She was being forced to relive the most traumatic moment of her life. And it emphatically proved how horrible of a person she was. Sending another person to prison for what *she* did. No matter how much she hated Nick when they were young, that was a fate he didn’t deserve. She’s lived to regret the fact that she not only took one man's life, but ruined another man's life. It’s what she’s best at.
She became much more reserved, even more attached to her father and her dog, Shadow. No longer outgoing, she became very reserved around others, fearful. Especially men.
Her ‘rebelliousness’ and anger she shows others is just a front, not allowing them to see the darkness she harbors inside. Hiding her loneliness by being cold towards others, acting tough when she is extremely sensitive. She only has a few friends who could tolerate her and how much she pushes them away, a habit she formed because she doesn’t feel she can trust anyone. She never smiles, except when with her father or her dog.
Her looks and cold personality have always gotten her the most attention from strangers, yet she yearns for simple attention from one person in her life and that’s her father’s.
Deep down she has a sweet, caring heart, but it’s hidden and covered by layers of fear and trauma. Her guard is always up, especially in a house full of men that she hates. She hides her wounds from everyone. She spends her time mostly exercising, reading, or occasionally sneaking out of the house with Grayson, one of her fathers men that she had taken a liking to, as he helps her out whenever she does decide to sneak away. Eventually it led to a secret relationship between them.
Despite her attachment to Grayson, and their meaningless sex, she had never been able to fully let her guard down. Especially because Grayson has a bit of an abusive nature, to say it mildly. He *has* abused her before, hitting her, but it hadn’t left any major marks. Out of fear of losing the one man in her life that paid attention to her, she has allowed it. Hiding it from her father, because she knows what would happen if he found out. He is slowly destroying the little bit of her self worth that is left.
-----
The silence in Luna’s room is deafening, so she fills it with a mild audible sound of Spotify in the background. That still wasn’t enough to get her mind off of the conversation with her father. While it was the same conversation she’s had with him time and time again throughout her life, this time felt… Different. Very different.
She leans her head back on the headboard and checks to see if she has any text back from Grayson, whom she left a message asking “What the hell is going on?”, and as expected, there was none. She’s sure he knows her father is leaving, but isn’t sure if he knows why, or who will be put in charge. Just the idea makes her scoff, the last thing she needs is a babysitter.
Her dog joins her on the bed, nuzzling his head on to her lap, tail wagging, demanding pats, and coaxing a smile out of her. Shadow is the only thing keeping her from going insane in this house, knowing exactly when she needs comfort and never hesitating to provide it. He remains on the bed with her, resting his head on her thigh, never leaving her side. For a moment, she forgets what’s going on.
She hears a knock on the door, staring at the hard wood for a moment. She hopes it’s Grayson, checking on her to make sure she’s okay, and maybe if she’s lucky, even comfort her. She gets up and heads to the door with that thought on her mind. She wasn’t prepared for what she discovered.
Her heart drops. Familiar dark eyes that are engraved in her mind staring down at her with nothing but coldness in them. She blinks once, twice, wondering if her eyes are deceiving her. The lean boy she knew was standing there, but he was no longer small and lean, his features far more chiseled and distinguished. The suit he wore was striking, unable to hide the muscular frame beneath. She found herself speechless for a moment. It felt unreal for her to see him after he was unrightfully taken away.
He recognized her eyes at first glance, his eyes quickly breaking, darting to the abrupt movement at the side of the room, realizing it’s a dog, the dog's eyes darting between them, measuring our reactions. Even it seems frozen, confused by their reaction.
He notices how much she’s grown. Her face thinner, freckles and imperfections faded. While obviously older and taller, she seems… Smaller? Despite her never being as large as Nick, she had an aura about her that was almost intimidating. But now the air around her is… Different.
But it’s her hair that caught his eye most. Much longer than it used to be. Although he supposes it’s the same for him, it’s an integral part of her presence now. If he were to take a moment to consider it, he’d think she’s grown to look far more feminine and be quite beautiful. But he immediately speeds past those thoughts before they complete, focusing on his job he has to do.
Neither of them said a word, but their eyes spoke a million.
“Nick?” Her voice came out in barely more than a whisper, trying to comprehend if this is real. If so, she had no idea he was even out of prison, as nobody had informed her. A thousand questions ran through her mind. ‘How long has he been out? Why are you at my door? Are you even real? *How much do you hate me*?’ But she can’t bring herself to utter another word.
Having been anticipating conflict, the way she spoke his name almost threw him off, he expected that her father would have informed her that I was in charge, which is why he expected her to rebel, but that seems not to be the case. She seems to be genuinely surprised.
He narrows his eyes, a little, trying to read hers. He’s always prided himself on his ability to read people. But hers are hard to read, as she’s seemingly experiencing a rollercoaster of emotions, and he doesn’t understand why she would feel anything more than disdain based on his expectations. And honestly, it’s unsettling for someone like him to be around such raw emotion without being prepared for it.
As much as he wants to comment on their past, to call out what she did, or at least ask why… He decides against it. ‘Neither of us want to be in this situation. It’s just a job’.
He slowly takes in a deep breath, calculating his words. Standing tall and tilting his head back authoritatively as he begins to speak.
“Your father has put me in charge in his absence. Not just to oversee business matters, but I am personally responsible for your safety.” He leans in, maintaining eye contact, trying to convey the seriousness. “I will not be allowing any harm to come to you while you are my responsibility. If I give any orders, I will need you to obey immediately without question. If you have any questions, ask them later. I will need to know where you are and to give approval of where you are going at all times. I will need your phone number, you will have tracking turned on your phone at all times so I could monitor, and you will always answer when I call no matter what the circumstances. I don’t care where you are going, I only care about your safety. I will not tolerate any disobedience. I will not tolerate being ignored.” He pauses for a moment, to see how she is taking his words.
“I need you to tell me that you understand.” He maintains a serious look on his stone face as he awaits an answer.
Her brow furrows as he utters sentence after sentence, focused on how much his voice has changed and is no longer as soft as it used to be. She feels like she’s staring at a stranger, but then she begins to realize what he’s saying.
She shakes her head, feeling like he hadn’t even given her a chance to speak as he lays a newspaper's worth of rules in front of her. All she can do is let out a perplexed “Huh?” He’s the one her father left in charge of her? The one who never tolerated her? The one who spent half his life in prison because of her? There is no way… She scoffs, trying her best not to lose it on him, but it’s hard.
“I’m sorry, what? Do you really think I’m going to agree to this!?” she asks, with pure anger in her tone. She knows for a fact he doesn’t want to do this either, so why didn’t he say no to her father? How could he agree to look after the person that ruined his life? It only drives her crazier that the look on his face isn’t changing or reacting to her. She used to always know how to push his buttons and get a reaction. She looks over at Shadow, almost for assistance, but he is looking at Nick with a calm curiosity, even wagging his tail slightly. *It figures*, she thinks, *He usually hates men, but of course when she wants him to…*
“There will be no tracking my phone, no obeying you, no approval from you. I’m not doing this.” She pushes past him, out the door, her blood boiling, heart racing, palms sweaty and hands shaking. ‘How does he think he’d ever get away with this? When the hell did he get back anyway!?’
To her surprise, Lorenzo is with his men, including Grayson, putting on his coat in the living room. “Luna. I take it you spoke with Nicolaus?” He speaks confidently. *This is real…*
“Will you be okay?” Lorenzo asks, placing his hands on her shoulders. All she can think is *how could I possibly be okay?* as she fights back tears in her eyes.
“I’ll see you soon.” he says, stroking her cheek. She fears this might be the last time she ever sees him… And she doesn’t want to part like this. She wraps her arms around him, hugging him tight, enjoying his presence for as long as she has it. He soon breaks the embrace, seeming reluctant as he nods his head, departing through the door. She rushes back to her room before she allows her tears to escape.
-----
-----
I appreciate it if you’ve made it this far! I’m looking for a long-term partner to play out this scenario where I’ll be playing Nick.
Despite our rivalry, we end up being stuck together. In the middle of a life of crime and a criminal conspiracy, thrown into a situation where we must rely on each other. With myself as the protector, and you, who is thrown in to a world you've always been hidden from.
The mystery of what’s going on will only deepen. What’s *really* going on? Why is there danger? We’ll have to question trusting anyone.
This setting should leave it pretty open in the directions we could go, and while I have a few ideas of ways we can take it, I welcome your ideas as well!
As we get to know each other, while there’s so much that led to our rivalry, there’s much more that was secret and that we’re unaware of about each other. While we may handle things differently, with Nick relying on staying calm, and Luna relying on overreacting, we both have lived a life where we felt abandoned, and have our own ways of hiding what we think or feel, both of us having trouble getting closer.
He’s forced into a role of her protector, and she’s never been able to feel safe around people. And he never knew all that she went through, falling for the illusion she gives that she doesn’t care about anything, never knowing how badly she needs that protection. By giving her somebody she could actually feel safe around, and him coming to terms with the fact that he may voluntarily want to protect her if given a choice, there's many threads that could eventually evolve into them developing feelings for each other, as much as they may want to resist that happening.
Along the path, there may be a lot of drama and disputes, pushing each other away, but due to the situation, we’ll be forced back together.
Despite being a very lengthy introduction, I’m open to any length of responses, there’s no requirements in length! Whatever feels right! It’s all in good fun!
Feel free to let me know any adaptations or ideas you may want to include, or requests!
If interested, I hope to hear back from you!

Hi all, been lurking for a while and I recently saw a similar post that was very similar to my situation, inspiring me to post. I'm looking to get 1-2 new cards. Much like the earlier poster, my highest priority is a non-Amex, no FTF card. I saw several options recommended and could be interested in WF Autograph, Amazon Visa (not a Prime member), or Citi Costco (though don't have a membership right now).
I do prefer to fly Delta and have considered switching from my strategy of always using the Citi DC to attempting to chase status a bit more with the Amex Delta card. I fly a decent amount across the country every year - I'm on one coast and my family all lives on the other coast (everyone is at Delta hubs). I've considered trying to lean a bit more into the Amex rewards to maximize Skymiles & status and would be interested in how people might recommend doing this? The caveat is that I really do prefer simplicity, and I'd rather not regularly need to use more than 2 cards. I'm ok with having 3-4 cards (eg., if I need to keep a no AF, no FTF, non-Amex for those international trips, that's totally fine), but would prefer that my standard rotation require no more than 2.
I've considered a few different strategies --

1. Use Delta Amex for everything. Maybe not the most lucrative, but easiest way to get status and regularly earn Skymiles.
2. Balance spending between Delta Amex and 1 other non-Amex card to get a little bit more value out of rewards while still accruing miles and status. For example, getting the Amazon Visa and using that for all of my Amazon purchases, local transit, and international (non-Amex accepting) spend while putting everything else on the Amex. Open to other card recommendations for this, too?
3. Open a different Amex and balance the rewards between two Amex cards that gives me more value. With this, can open an easy no AF, no FTF, non-Amex to have as a backup.
4. Upgrade to the Delta Reserve card & use that plus one other card (which one?)?
5. Something else?

I do like to travel, and I hope to travel more in the coming years, but I have no loyalties aside from preferring Delta. I do tend to get enough value from the Delta Amex just through the companion pass, so the AF isn't too big of a deal.
​
CREDIT PROFILE
• Current credit cards you are the primary account holder of: (list cards, limits, opening date): American Express Delta Platinum (~2019, $14k), Citi DC (~2013, $9k)• FICO Scores with source (see note on FICO score sources below): Equifax 802• Oldest credit card account age with you as primary name on the account: ~9 years• * Number of personal credit cards approved for in the past 6 months: 0• * Number of personal credit cards approved for in the past 12 months: 0• * Number of personal credit cards approved for in the past 24 months: 1 (AMEX Gold, cancelled about 2 years ago)• * Annual income $: $85,000
CATEGORIES
• OK with category-specific cards?: Yes but preferred maximum 2 cards (with exception of occasional travel abroad)• OK with rotating category cards?: No• Estimate average monthly spend in the categories below. Only include what you can pay by credit card: over last 2 years, have had about $35k/year in CC spending broken down monthly as about --• * Dining: $500 (including things like breweries/cafes ideally)• * Groceries: $500 (usually Safeway & local specialty grocery chain PCC)• * Gas: <1 tank per month (~$20)• * Travel: $350 (overall probably underestimated as I had multiple Delta flights paid for with a big backlog of Skymiles, now depleted; this is mostly airfare and lodging; rare car rentals only when absolutely necessary but prefer to use public transit, walk, rideshare, or transit by bike when available)• * Do you plan on using this card abroad for a significant length of time: At least 1, but often 2-3 international trips per year (1-4 weeks total)• * Any other categories: $400 Amazon, $65 internet; have some streaming services but those are on my partner's card• * Any other significant, regular credit card spend you didn't include above?: Majority of other spending is ancillary merchandise, healthcare expenses, one-off entertainment services like lift tickets or concerts (things that go in my travel budget but don't tend to get counted as travel categories because they're activities, gear rentals, etc.)• * Can you pay rent by credit card? If yes, list rent amount and if there's a fee for paying by credit card: No
MEMBERSHIPS & SUBSCRIPTIONS (delete lines that don't apply)
• Current member of Amazon Prime?: No (partner is Prime member; I am grandfathered into my parent's prime account and have the shipping benefit but am not considered a Prime member by Amazon)• Current Verizon postpaid customer?: No• Current member of Costco or Sam's Club? No (not against joining though...probably would use it a fair bit -- I hear they have great travel deals?)• Currently paying $13.99/month or more for Disney Bundle (Disney+ / Hulu / EPSN+) or other Hulu services? No; partner pays for Spotify + NYT, on other family/friend's streaming accounts• Current member of Chase, US Bank or any other big bank?: Ally, USAA• Active US military?: No• Are you open to Business Cards?: (these are an option if you have any kind of side gig, such as selling on eBay or Etsy) No
PURPOSE
• What's the purpose of your next card (choose ONE)?: travel rewards• If you answered "travel rewards", do you have a preferred airline and/or hotel chain? Delta; no preferred hotel• Do you have any cards you've been looking at? So many...AMEX green/gold/plat/reserve, CSP/CSR; also now considering amazon visa, WF autograph, Citi Costco? I probably wouldn't prefer to pay for any of the top tier cards (plat, delta reserve, CSR) AND the current one I have.
​
Thanks!

I know quitting your job as a cook usually simply comes with two weeks notice or a ragequit walkout, but for eleven months I worked at a new franchise that had such potential which was being squandered by the incompetence of upper management. I present the nearly 6000 word thesis I turned in on my last day. Locations and names have been changed to cartoon references. Brackets represent ambiguous information in place of specific details.
Krusty Krab Careers Jobs
Opening in [Month/Year], Krusty Krab (KK) Bikini Bottom is on its 4th kitchen manager in less than a year. Krusty Krab O-Town has recently let go its inaugural kitchen manager and sous chef. Almost no member of the Bikini Bottom opening management team remains employed by KK. There is a pattern developing where one must question both the choice of employee and the directive given to new franchises. These lingering issues I brought concerns about in the first weeks of opening but was disregarded at every turn despite my experience with festival traffic. As a result I decided this was not a place I wanted to advance, but with a good-enough paycheck I’d be a lowly grunt in the kitchen four days a week, at five days a week I would have quit or been fired over a public outburst long ago. If Krusty Krab alters course slightly while being true to the brand this could be a successful chain.
My unique employment history in brick and mortar restaurants, food trucks, pop up culinary concepts, trade shows/conventions, and the film industry make me an ideal candidate to be on the opening team for new KK locations. My outgoing nature and foresight are valuable assets. For example, on training week before opening when I was standing around idly without a task I took it upon myself to organize the disarray that was dry storage. Overhearing Krabs tell another manager where he wanted the cleaning products placed, I had a jumping off point and the organization I created nine months ago is still largely in place. Since returning from my vacation in early February I have made it my mission to keep the storage area organized because it was again starting to resemble a hoarder’s house rather than a commercial kitchen. This is now part of my weekly routines because every time I turn my back there is more product being placed haphazardly just anywhere with little regard. I also recently reorganized the walk-in cooler because of problematic stocking with items being placed on the same shelf or below raw proteins. I also simply put all the like products together such as cheeses or fruits that were scattered amongst several shelves. With recent overordering I cannot keep up with the organization of the walk in cooler. The pattern recognition of food types and even simple shapes appears to be lost on the Bikini Bottom crew. My daily reorganization of containers is proof of this. Most days I’ll take a few minutes to put all cylinders together, all cambros together in descending volume, all deep and shallow pans next to each other rather than intermixed. My decision to be a kitchen manager at age 19 from 2005 thru 2008 and rarely enter restaurant management since is very calculated.
With my prior knowledge of professional kitchens I was becoming Bikini Bottom’s resident nag to coworkers as I made note of health department violations on a daily basis. I stopped after being largely ignored for two weeks. My regular health department nags include; a battle with jackets and hats being placed only in the designated area (a designated area that did not exist until I created a place for personal items a in January by neatly organizing the dry storage area again), waiting until prepped items are cooled before a cover is placed on top, placement of raw seafood, open containers (very often sugar, flour, and pancake mix bags ripped open and left), and dirty dishes/containers placed back in rotation. The dirty dishes and containers in rotation with the clean ones are at an atrociously high number. I have given up on making the 4th fryer seafood allergy safe too. With the low volume of seafood allergy safe items Bikini Bottom should purchase smaller baskets to visually discourage cross contamination with the other fryers and baskets. My skills to organize the kitchen do not end with simply where to store products to meet minimal health department standards.
Half of the space in the Bikini Bottom kitchen is completely wasted on an ill-advised walkway to the dishpit. An intelligent design would place a second doorway directly to the dishpit connected to the bar or where the bathrooms reside. Numerous times during the opening week of KK Bikini Bottom I said, yelled, sang, and muttered that we have too many food items for the amount of space we have. Icus stated that there was more space than Bluffington. Is Bluffington intelligently designed? Because Bikini Bottom most certainly isn’t. So Bikini Bottom actually has less space even if there is more square footage. See the attached diagram for an intelligent design that could potentially house a menu of this size. Bikini Bottom forces a line design on this kitchen when an open concept is needed for this menu. It’s as if this floorplan was created by a person who had only ever seen one commercial kitchen previously and couldn’t think 4th dimensionally to understand the needs of the workers to smoothly serve customers.
There is not enough counter space for pizzas without getting off the line, the microwave is placed completely out of the way, the freezer’s curved design is a waste of potential counter space and a falling hazard for containers stored on top of it, the toaster is an overcomplicated and overexpensive piece of machinery that serves exactly one purpose when a flat top could be used to toast bread and other purposes like a quesadilla special, sautee was designed without an overhang for spices, the pantry station lacks the counter space to have two containers of flour and two containers of batter for seafood allergies, there are no Frialator fryers which I have worked with at every single kitchen job previously instead we got the cheap Vulcan model (is that logical), the cheap low boy in pantry that doesn’t drain excess water anywhere it’s just supposed to evaporate somehow but doesn’t, the grill and fryer should be placed next to each other (with a higher volume of crossover than other stations), the floors are flat instead on having a mild decline towards the drains (just look at the standing water residing behind the oven right now), in the dishpit the spraying area and the filled sinks are backwards of a logical dipshit, the ramp to the back door is on the wrong side, there is no refrigerated place downstairs to stage extra food for busy shifts (the beer cooler is once again used for such food items because of this massive oversight), the prep station is an afterthought and miniscule, the dishes on the line are difficult to grab for anyone under 5’11” and inaccessible for anyone under 5’6” (instead of putting them underneath tables that also give that desperately needed counterspace I spoke of), there is not enough space to store to-go containers or boats behind the line, expo is lacking a low boy for the numerous items that are supposed to be cold but are instead kept at room temperature all day long, no one in management thought about buying shelves until right before Bikini Bottom opened as a result the clean full sheets sat on the floor for days, we had only the exact amount of 1⁄6 pans for an absurd amount of time making it impossible to rotate and clean them when necessary (which is daily), we still struggle with 1/9 pan supply. And just when I thought I documented all the poor design choices possible I stumbled upon a person whose office holiday party was booked at KK Bikini Bottom. The deck space works just fine as a deck. It does not double well as a gathering space. The space is too long and narrow for parties, it promotes little splitoff groups rather than a coming together of a larger gathering. It may be advantageous to contact a social psychologist for help designing a private party space that promotes intermingling rather than enforcing small pockets to form. The reorganization of the physical kitchen isn’t all that screams for an overhaul.
There are six positions on the line at the Krusty Krab; expo, oven, grill, sautee, fryer, and pantry. But the pantry and fryer positions are forced together like a bad remix. Everyone who mainly works pantry deserves a $6 raise immediately because it is a station and a half. Both Icus and Krumm, while kitchen manager, kind of acknowledged the pantry is too big for one station without outright mentioning the lopsided distribution of work. I imagine in the only location where this works, Bluffington, a second person joins the pantry at noon because of the unreasonable amount of items one person is tasked with. Bikini Bottom only has one person in this position at all times, maybe modify it for one person? The excess of items on the pantry position largely resembles a position I would call “set-up” or “build” at a previous job that made sensible choices. This build position should have tostadas, tacos, butcher’s blocks, toast, salads, lettuce wrap set ups, and preparing plating for whichever station is most bogged down. I have absolutely lost my mind yelling about salads at least once a month, ranting that they do not belong on the fryer position because of how illogical it is that five salads are included on the mountain of other items the pantry has. I have always considered working in a kitchen a kind of dance, and the pantry station demands an unnecessarily convoluted dance to keep up with the demand. Without the salads, tostadas, and tacos the station is already the busiest. Do we really need to combine ballet and swing by including these extra awkward dance steps in this single station? For a kitchen designed this poorly I suppose it is. Again, see attached document for an intelligently designed kitchen that might be able to accommodate this menu. Unless Bikini Bottom is going to close for a month to fix the baffling floor plan design the menu is shouting to be reduced to 30-36 items.
The menu is too big. Krusty Krab is the jack of all foods, master of none. In general I believe individual locations should be allowed 18% omissions, and 18% unique items to this wildly unwieldy menu sitting around 50 food items including sides. The insistence on keeping menu items that don’t sell at Bikini Bottom because of Bluffington is mind boggling. Chicken tenders do not sell at Bikini Bottom. fried sushi does not sell at Bikini Bottom, not enough to justify their place on the line. I don’t care how well these items work in Bluffinton. They. Do. Not. Work. At. Bikini. Bottom. If the KK location in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean sells an incredible amount of live krill does that mean Bikini Bottom and O-Town must sell live krill too? Take the fried sushi off the menu. I had a complete meltdown about this during a Dimmadome service and my valid point was met with indifference. Replace the kid’s tenders with a kid’s fish sticks. We already have the tilapia fish sticks on the line for tacos. Or make the kid’s fish sticks cod. We cut cod to order for fish tacos in spite of health code violations because it is too rare of an order to make beforehand. Saffron in mashed potatoes? If you must. Why are green tomatoes only on the menu during lunch? Bikini Bottom throws away a sizable amount of spoiled green tomatoes each week. Have green tomatoes on the menu all day long or don’t have them at all. The smoked salmon could go on salads or a special taco to justify its place on the line. The corn pico’s place on the line is unjustified. It only goes on one item, tostadas, which are not particularly popular. If we had a taco salad we could throw the corn pico on there. We also have unreasonable waste from unusable taco shells, smash up those imperfect taco shells and throw them on said taco salad. But before we add salads, let's get rid of the pear and kale salads. The pears' position on the line are unjustified, if we threw them on a taco variation maybe their place on the Bikini Bottom line could be argued but for now they only go on a salad that isn’t particularly popular. The kale salad is an issue of space for a 4th green for salads is too much. The krusty salad is my most hated house salad of all time. And it comes down to the toast with goat cheese. This ancillary step of spreading goat cheese on a cracker is an unnecessary step for an overly complicated dance and should be part of the expo dance if expo wasn’t a shoddily designed afterthought lacking a low boy.
There are a plethora of squeeze bottles on the pantry station that have no place on the overloaded station. They belong to an expo station with a low boy to keep them cold. Pantry has an overwhelming ten squeeze bottles: chipotle crema, sweet chili vinaigrette, buffalo, korean bbq, ranch, caesar, wine vinaigrette, lemon vinaigrette, honey mustard, and lemon aioli. Only the first four are justified on an intelligently designed fryer section, the second four belong on the build station, the last two have no place anywhere but expo. With this extra space sautee could keep their bottles and two purees cold in the fryer's lowboy instead of leaving them at room temperature all day inviting a pathogen party. This theorized intelligently designed expo would have room to keep these four squeeze bottles and a double of every sauce chilled to pour them into ramekins, a move that is highly common in the expo dance. The fact that expo doesn’t have a double of all squeeze bottles is foolish. Expo has to bother an overloaded station to pour these side sauces instead.
How many gallons of basil aioli has Bikini Bottom thrown away in 11 months? Four aiolis in general is way too many and most go on a single item; basil aioli on the incredibly unpopular veggie burger, lemon aioli for calamari, sweet chili aioli for the BLT that is only served half of the day, and garlic aioli actually goes on two items…I believe. What a colossal waste of precious little space, lose two aiolis and then you can sing the logical song with me. Perhaps we can put garlic aioli and sweet chili vinaigrette on the BLT separately and accomplish the exact same thing the sweet chili aioli does. The wings too have unneeded complications. Having worked at a sports bar specializing in wings for the better part of a decade I find KK’s plating of wings to be overly pretentious. The carrots, celery, and blue cheese have lost function. Heffer Wolf always said no one eats the carrot/celery julienne with blue cheese. It’s a complete waste of all the ingredients because you’ve gone too far with the presentation. Wings aren’t fancy. Wings are supposed to have a small pool of sauce and be sloppy. It’s like a sloppy joe that’s not sloppy, an unsloppy joe is a failure to sloppy joes just as the KK presentation of wings is a disparagement to the dish. Ever since training week back in 2022 I have used a scale to give Bikini Bottom a passing or failing grade.
Chokey Chicken to Chum Bucket is the scale I use to judge efficiency and sanity at Bikini Bottom. Both establishments are upscale casual dining experiences in Capitol City in the same vein as KK. Chokey had high employee retention and relatively smooth openings for new locations. Chum Bucket’s employee turnover was high and every location opening was chaotic. Which one sounds closer to KK? Chokey Chicken was filled with chefs I respect including Chef Ren Hoek who remains a close friend to this day. Ren lost his lifelong passion for kitchen work after working management at Chum Bucket. He’s actually seeking work in Bikini Bottom. Call him up at [phone number], but KK will give him Nam’ flashbacks of why he chose driving for a living rather than cooking for five years. The pair of us together helming Bikini Bottom with the ability to omit and create 18% of the overloaded menu can bring success to this franchise. We have worked well numerous times in the past on various concepts in the past including creating The Attack of the Pickled Tomatoes Burger for [Promotional live performance of a TV show] at the Capitol City Theater. We served 100 people in 60 at the [sitcom filming] lunch. That’s physically impossible but somehow we did it quite a few times.
A fun anecdote about Ren Hoek’s KK experience from the soft launch; on training week numerous times I brought concerns about being seafood allergy safe that were dismissed. As mentioned earlier the pantry station lacks the counter space to have two containers of flour and two containers of batter, one each of which seafood never touches. Before the soft launch Chef Stimpy from Bluffington insisted all customers just kind of know everything is prone to be seafood contaminated. Well, chef Ren was a customer that night and this absolutely was not communicated to customers. He claimed to have a slight seafood allergy and was not informed of what the crab soup was. In reality he does not have a seafood allergy. I didn’t discuss the seafood issue with Ren, separately we noticed egregious violations of food safety standards and we each responded in our own way. The soft launch service was so awful that night Chef Ren walked out of a free meal to pay for some ramen, never to return to Bikini Bottom. I attribute this oversight, and many of Bikini Bottom’s (and probably O-Town’s) problems to hubris over the Bluffington location.
Chef Chokey would also be hesitant to join the KK team. It will cost a finder’s fee just for me to reveal Chef Chokey’s name. Chef Chokey was a lead in the rapid expansion of Chokey Chicken restaurants. He opened numerous restaurants and was big on the philosophy that each restaurant must have its own personality in order to fit the unique local culture and the variety of working spaces. This is in direct conflict with the KK way that everything must be exactly like the Bluffington location no matter what. There was only one Chokey Chicken location that had the full menu, Chokey Springfield. Chokey Springfield had a large space which was intelligently designed to accommodate such a large menu. The KK menu is all over the place, closing in on 50 menu items which comes up as a failure on the Chokey Chicken/Chum Bucket scale. This is not the only area KK comes up as a major failure on the Chokey Chicken/Chum Bucket scale.
Has anyone in this company ever worked festival traffic before? Does anyone have the experience of working next to a major venue with 8000 seats before this one? The way Bikini Bottom handles Dimmadome services it certainly appears that the decision-makers fall on the wrong side of the Dunning-Kruger effect. Having all 50 items available during such massive traffic is completely asinine. An unwillingness to serve a partial menu is hindering the Bikini Bottom kitchen staff. I have worked festival traffic before, and Dimmadome events bring in festival traffic. I’ve worked inside a festival whose line never ended but every customer got their order in 5 minutes or less because the line kept flowing with only four items on the menu as that’s what was warranted at the B-Sharps Music Festival. I refuse to be set up for failure the way Bikini Bottom sets up Dimmadome services for failure. The entire week of concerts in [summer] 2022 I was set up for failure every day (it was after this I modified my availability to keep my sanity and my paycheck). When I brought my concerns about running efficiently during Dimmadome services I was labeled a B-worker for the first time in my employment history by Icus and Krabs. It is that moment which I was either going to holler at them both for being 2-dimensional thinkers who were obviously unqualified for the positions they accepted in this company, or just put my head down. If Bikini Bottom has a successful concert day service, hail your team because they snatched victory from the jaws of defeat. They swam with concrete shoes. I often wonder how many customers had bad experiences and never returned after concert days. A Dimmadome service should have no more than 25 items and have one or two specials to divert traffic towards an area the kitchen can keep moving. An Open Cup Open Plate (OCOP) special for foot traffic is absolutely needed. When I suggested OCOP special, Heffer was intrigued by this idea and immediately named burgers as the special to keep foot traffic flowing. Smithers wouldn’t hear this idea, babbling on about what’s advertised instead of hearing out a sound idea. This prattle despite radio commercials having inaccurate hours and social media promoting Bikini Bottom’s steak tacos to this day. I always found Smithers to be a better fit as a middle management office pencil pusher than as a hands-on restaurant manager. Overall I find KK managers are selected to be automatons not to question their orders rather than critical thinkers who could take the restaurant to the next level. During brunch service is another period of time that must be modified to lessen the heft of items. Having a full menu that barely works plus brunch is so deep into Chum Bucket territory, in my opinion we now have to use the Tropic Thunder scale of full [R-word censored by jobs] to describe a 60-plus-item brunch. Chef Ren hired back a Chum Bucket cook who had a mental breakdown and stormed out during brunch (plus full menu) service because Ren knew the employee was justified and upper management was completely unreasonable in their brunch requests. It’s not just questionable decisions that hinder KK staff but improper equipment as well.
This is the first restaurant I have worked at which uses a touch screen on the line rather than tickets. From day one I found this to be technology for technology’s sake inferior to tickets. Chef Ren forced a new Chum Bucket location to rip out touch screens from the line and bring in ticket printers because of the higher efficiency. The touch screen is a great idea for expo, not the entire line. My biggest gripe is that each station does not get all the information. Early on I was regularly yelled at for not staggering my items, well I can’t see the rest of the order; a problem I have never had with a ticket system. Touchscreen software is also much more prone to errors and glitches. When I reported an error during a heavy service Icus and Krabs blamed my skills on the line without looking into the malfunctioning screen further. It was glitchy for weeks before the two finally investigated and corrected the issue I brought to their attention long before. Those two gave me an immense amount of ammunition to dislike them in the opening weeks until I stopped caring. The issue I had with being unable to scroll beyond the bottom of a completely filled screen has returned and is still there as of [my last day]. There are also important details that get buried. A frequent meltdown I have is that sauce on side requests and other important modifications are not capitalized or in red to catch the eye as they have been at jobs with tickets. These details get lost on Bikini Bottom’s touchscreens. A sauce on side salad made by me will be wrong 50% of the time because of the instructions being camouflaged in a word salad. This goes for coleslaw on the side and drizzle on the side too. Drizzle in general I dislike because of the pretentiousness, but whatever, drizzle it on top rather than putting it in a ramekin if you must. There are numerous places where Bikini Bottom overcomplicates matters for reasons I cannot ascertain.
Why is there such a large variety of plates? Why do we have a medium circular plate for salads and a large bowl for salads with protein? This just confuses the simplest of matters. I was told this is done because of the high price hike with protein, a larger presentation was desired. But that price hike is the price of protein in 2023. Bikini Bottom should put all salads in the large bowls and use all the circular salad plates in a skeet shooting promotion. I understand why we have both a circular platter plate and a pizza plate but in my restaurant the circular platter plates must go...or maybe the large platter plate instead. Is the large platter used for anything besides fish and chips? That extra space on fish and chips plates are only used for side sauces which can easily be delivered to customers on small circular plates. What is the medium oval plate doing that the medium rectangular plate isn’t? And vice versa. Why do they both exist when they are approximately the same size? Let me write an internet commercial where we break a lot of plates so we can get some logical use out of the superfluous plates. I don’t care which one is destroyed, the ovals or the rectangles but one of them is an unnecessary redundancy in excess done again. Speaking of commercials, the unimaginative radio advertisements for Bikini Bottom are doing little to lure new customers to the restaurant.
The three radio spots I have heard on KBBL all sound like they were produced by a marketing 101 student who wasn’t a natural in the field. The voiceover actor was so uncharismatic I was certain someone from the office was chosen at random to read the copy. Then I heard that same voiceover actor selling pool supplies on another radio station so I concluded that Bikini Bottom must have hired the cheapest guy in town to produce the most basic of commercials. Perhaps there is someone else you could hire more qualified to voiceover these commercials, an actor with experience on an Emmy award winning cable program whose unique place in the film industry was written about on [website] would be a much wiser choice to be the voice of the KK? (See external link). In the ad there was no catchphrase, no jingle, no music whatsoever. This simple approach to commercials lacks the pizazz to catch the attention of radio listeners. The first two commercials I heard would get a C in marketing 101 as they were nearly the exact same and accomplished the bare minimum to sell wares, the third one would maybe get a B- because there was some sort of attempted gimmick with the voiceover whispering to represent thinking inside his head about what he was going to eat later at KK. Not only does this commercial give no reason for the man to think inside his head, the outside world still and unpopulated. To see what a creative person would do with this concept see the attached script. There is an attempted slogan that could become part of an ad campaign. Commercials aren’t the only lost opportunities in promotions.
There are numerous promotional celebrity tie-ins at Bikini Bottom’s fingertips with Dimmadome performers. The restaurant could have a Phish sandwich as a OCOP special on [Phish performance dates], or a pretentious Jelly Roll on [Jelly Roll performance date]. Has anyone reached out to the Dimmadome theater or talent management for approved special menu items to be promoted inside the dome? Perhaps a special 20% discount to ticket holders? Is Bikini Bottom capable of getting permits to extend Open Container hours beyond [cutoff time] for an afterparty or block party throughout a Dimmadome concert? I see additional marketing opportunities left on the table for all new locations.
I believe new KK locations are missing out on a marketing campaign by opening with the entire cumbersome 50 item menu. This is a staggering amount of menu items which is too much to ask new staffers to perfect all at once. After a few months expanding the menu by approximately ten items is catching to customers who haven’t returned after a single visit or infrequently stop into KK. There are ten new food items that might appeal to them. Just like it appears KK doesn’t know what it’s looking for in a good commercial spot, this company doesn’t appear to recognize a talented from an untalented worker until it’s too late.
It is my understanding that KK had a headhunter to find Icus, the first Bikini Bottom kitchen manager. If it were up to me I’d hire someone to break the legs of that headhunter for bringing in a subpar kitchen lead. We are still attempting to recover from the lousy choices she made in the floor plan. If anybody responsible for Bikini Bottom’s floor plan is still giving input, stop them immediately. Once the doors were open to the public Icus had his head in the clouds to a point where I questioned if he saw the writing on the walls of an imminent demotion and stopped trying as a result. I had a full deck of 3x5 cards in an archaic powerpoint presentation bringing numerous concerns to light that he kept putting off listening to until he was fired. Those same cards were broken out for this essay. The second kitchen manager, Krumm, is a good lesson in honesty. According to Heffer, Krumm was given a bill of goods about how smoothly KK Bikini Bottom was running. Since Krumm stepped into a latrine pit which he was led to believe was a heated pool, he left in short time. Krumm also had plans to modify the menu but when his bosses told him to be a rodeo clown rather than a cowboy Krumm didn’t take too kindly to that. Meanwhile Heffer was the savior of the Bikini Bottom kitchen. I didn’t agree with every single decision he made, but I did with a majority of them. Heffer’s overhaul was such a blessing so I didn’t have to fiddle with the organization of 60% of the equipment anymore, only about 20% now. Too bad Heffer’s crippling depression came back after bashing his head into the wall out of frustration with the shackles KK restrained him with.
The current management team is enthusiastic but inexperienced. I see an accumulation of small infractions that might bring down Bikini Bottom’s health department rating significantly. I see the entire management team being inattentive or unaware about organizational issues. Whatever bureaucratic nonsense corporate tasks everyone with from the original sous chef Skeeter to Patty Mayonnaise that makes them walk away from the line between 11am and 1pm especially is infuriating. I have never been left alone on a multi-person line during peak hours so regularly, and I won’t tolerate it anymore. As much as I believe in his drive, I imagine our current kitchen manager SpongeBob will be let go after a disastrous service during the Dimmadome concert season that someone has to take the fall for. Chef Ren and I could help bring experience in management and dealing with festival traffic...if corporate does not force us to follow a failing strategy.
After working nearly a year at KK you may ask why I’m not proficient on more than one station. Excellent question. First, when I move over to another station the squeeze bottles are never labeled (until Stu Pickles was hired, now they’re sometimes labeled), so I always looked at the glut of unlabeled sauces and I’d go back to my station because the basic information is missing (also a health department violation for having numerous unlabeled, unchilled bottles). In his first week the new general manager Stu Pickles pulled out 90% of the containers under the grill station because they were lacking labels despite an expected health department visit. The second reason for my menu ignorance is the mountain of prep for my own and upcoming shifts I have piled up on my station throughout service. My attention to detail appears to be next level with my ability to anticipate stocking all items for all shifts including the weeknd. The third reason I wouldn’t learn multiple stations is a defense against the afternoon conference calls. In [month] the Bikini Bottom line was unprepared for a busy post lunch because one cook was cut and our expo person was busy with a conference call. The two of us remaining on the line had a miserable slog through an unexpectedly busy afternoon. When I brought this up to Krabs he disregarded me, being a good bean counter he quoted the cost percentage. What he didn’t take into account was the missing expo person who could have jumped on the line and expo to help the understaffed two man team. That person was stuck on a conference call. Just recently I saw the company actively lose money because of this poorly thought-out meeting during business hours. A customer wanted to order a dessert that was 86ed but had been restocked by our prep cook an hour before. The server was unable to sell them their dessert because the only person in the building who could help un-86 an item was on a conference call. This conference call calamity is another bone-headed choice that speaks to a larger decision-making problem within the corporate structure. Finish the conference calls by 10:45 am eastern.
In conclusion, I quit my position as a lowly grunt for this company because of its unwarranted perplexing dance steps and below average management. I don’t care how much varnish and lacquer is supplied, I refuse to polish this Bikini Bottom turd as a manager or full-time employee under the current circumstances. You would have to take a pickaxe to the floor, possibly relocate the bathrooms to add a door to the dishpit, get rid of the cheap low boy that doesn’t properly drain excess water, and Mr Gorbachov knock down that wall in the middle of the kitchen to give the proper amount of space to work. Or simply reduce the menu to 36 items (including sides) because that’s the amount of space this dreadful design can comfortably output. Would Gordon Ramsay compliment KK for all the unnecessary convoluted complications abound, or would Chef Ramsay yell about keeping it simple and demand KK chuck it in the flip? Thanks to the numerous pop up restaurants I have been a part of and the hectic world of trade shows/conventions, I may have more experience than anyone else employed by KK in smoothly opening a new location. I would enjoy being part of the opening team to ensure new locations have an efficiency Bikini Bottom lacks, and to keep upper management away from their worst instincts. Work with me and Chef Ren and we will help you become a well oiled machine like Chokey Chicken instead of the Chum Bucket cesspit Bikini Bottom currently embodies.

I know quitting your job as a cook usually simply comes with two weeks notice or a ragequit walkout, but for eleven months I worked at a new franchise that had such potential which was being squandered by the incompetence of upper management. I present the nearly 6000 word thesis I turned in on my last day. Locations and names have been changed to cartoon references. Brackets represent ambiguous information in place of specific details.
Krusty Krab Careers Jobs
Opening in [Month/Year], Krusty Krab (KK) Bikini Bottom is on its 4th kitchen manager in less than a year. Krusty Krab O-Town has recently let go its inaugural kitchen manager and sous chef. Almost no member of the Bikini Bottom opening management team remains employed by KK. There is a pattern developing where one must question both the choice of employee and the directive given to new franchises. These lingering issues I brought concerns about in the first weeks of opening but was disregarded at every turn despite my experience with festival traffic. As a result I decided this was not a place I wanted to advance, but with a good-enough paycheck I’d be a lowly grunt in the kitchen four days a week, at five days a week I would have quit or been fired over a public outburst long ago. If Krusty Krab alters course slightly while being true to the brand this could be a successful chain.
My unique employment history in brick and mortar restaurants, food trucks, pop up culinary concepts, trade shows/conventions, and the film industry make me an ideal candidate to be on the opening team for new KK locations. My outgoing nature and foresight are valuable assets. For example, on training week before opening when I was standing around idly without a task I took it upon myself to organize the disarray that was dry storage. Overhearing Krabs tell another manager where he wanted the cleaning products placed, I had a jumping off point and the organization I created nine months ago is still largely in place. Since returning from my vacation in early February I have made it my mission to keep the storage area organized because it was again starting to resemble a hoarder’s house rather than a commercial kitchen. This is now part of my weekly routines because every time I turn my back there is more product being placed haphazardly just anywhere with little regard. I also recently reorganized the walk-in cooler because of problematic stocking with items being placed on the same shelf or below raw proteins. I also simply put all the like products together such as cheeses or fruits that were scattered amongst several shelves. With recent overordering I cannot keep up with the organization of the walk in cooler. The pattern recognition of food types and even simple shapes appears to be lost on the Bikini Bottom crew. My daily reorganization of containers is proof of this. Most days I’ll take a few minutes to put all cylinders together, all cambros together in descending volume, all deep and shallow pans next to each other rather than intermixed. My decision to be a kitchen manager at age 19 from 2005 thru 2008 and rarely enter restaurant management since is very calculated.
With my prior knowledge of professional kitchens I was becoming Bikini Bottom’s resident nag to coworkers as I made note of health department violations on a daily basis. I stopped after being largely ignored for two weeks. My regular health department nags include; a battle with jackets and hats being placed only in the designated area (a designated area that did not exist until I created a place for personal items a in January by neatly organizing the dry storage area again), waiting until prepped items are cooled before a cover is placed on top, placement of raw seafood, open containers (very often sugar, flour, and pancake mix bags ripped open and left), and dirty dishes/containers placed back in rotation. The dirty dishes and containers in rotation with the clean ones are at an atrociously high number. I have given up on making the 4th fryer seafood allergy safe too. With the low volume of seafood allergy safe items Bikini Bottom should purchase smaller baskets to visually discourage cross contamination with the other fryers and baskets. My skills to organize the kitchen do not end with simply where to store products to meet minimal health department standards.
Half of the space in the Bikini Bottom kitchen is completely wasted on an ill-advised walkway to the dishpit. An intelligent design would place a second doorway directly to the dishpit connected to the bar or where the bathrooms reside. Numerous times during the opening week of KK Bikini Bottom I said, yelled, sang, and muttered that we have too many food items for the amount of space we have. Icus stated that there was more space than Bluffington. Is Bluffington intelligently designed? Because Bikini Bottom most certainly isn’t. So Bikini Bottom actually has less space even if there is more square footage. See the attached diagram for an intelligent design that could potentially house a menu of this size. Bikini Bottom forces a line design on this kitchen when an open concept is needed for this menu. It’s as if this floorplan was created by a person who had only ever seen one commercial kitchen previously and couldn’t think 4th dimensionally to understand the needs of the workers to smoothly serve customers.
There is not enough counter space for pizzas without getting off the line, the microwave is placed completely out of the way, the freezer’s curved design is a waste of potential counter space and a falling hazard for containers stored on top of it, the toaster is an overcomplicated and overexpensive piece of machinery that serves exactly one purpose when a flat top could be used to toast bread and other purposes like a quesadilla special, sautee was designed without an overhang for spices, the pantry station lacks the counter space to have two containers of flour and two containers of batter for seafood allergies, there are no Frialator fryers which I have worked with at every single kitchen job previously instead we got the cheap Vulcan model (is that logical), the cheap low boy in pantry that doesn’t drain excess water anywhere it’s just supposed to evaporate somehow but doesn’t, the grill and fryer should be placed next to each other (with a higher volume of crossover than other stations), the floors are flat instead on having a mild decline towards the drains (just look at the standing water residing behind the oven right now), in the dishpit the spraying area and the filled sinks are backwards of a logical dipshit, the ramp to the back door is on the wrong side, there is no refrigerated place downstairs to stage extra food for busy shifts (the beer cooler is once again used for such food items because of this massive oversight), the prep station is an afterthought and miniscule, the dishes on the line are difficult to grab for anyone under 5’11” and inaccessible for anyone under 5’6” (instead of putting them underneath tables that also give that desperately needed counterspace I spoke of), there is not enough space to store to-go containers or boats behind the line, expo is lacking a low boy for the numerous items that are supposed to be cold but are instead kept at room temperature all day long, no one in management thought about buying shelves until right before Bikini Bottom opened as a result the clean full sheets sat on the floor for days, we had only the exact amount of 1⁄6 pans for an absurd amount of time making it impossible to rotate and clean them when necessary (which is daily), we still struggle with 1/9 pan supply. And just when I thought I documented all the poor design choices possible I stumbled upon a person whose office holiday party was booked at KK Bikini Bottom. The deck space works just fine as a deck. It does not double well as a gathering space. The space is too long and narrow for parties, it promotes little splitoff groups rather than a coming together of a larger gathering. It may be advantageous to contact a social psychologist for help designing a private party space that promotes intermingling rather than enforcing small pockets to form. The reorganization of the physical kitchen isn’t all that screams for an overhaul.
There are six positions on the line at the Krusty Krab; expo, oven, grill, sautee, fryer, and pantry. But the pantry and fryer positions are forced together like a bad remix. Everyone who mainly works pantry deserves a $6 raise immediately because it is a station and a half. Both Icus and Krumm, while kitchen manager, kind of acknowledged the pantry is too big for one station without outright mentioning the lopsided distribution of work. I imagine in the only location where this works, Bluffington, a second person joins the pantry at noon because of the unreasonable amount of items one person is tasked with. Bikini Bottom only has one person in this position at all times, maybe modify it for one person? The excess of items on the pantry position largely resembles a position I would call “set-up” or “build” at a previous job that made sensible choices. This build position should have tostadas, tacos, butcher’s blocks, toast, salads, lettuce wrap set ups, and preparing plating for whichever station is most bogged down. I have absolutely lost my mind yelling about salads at least once a month, ranting that they do not belong on the fryer position because of how illogical it is that five salads are included on the mountain of other items the pantry has. I have always considered working in a kitchen a kind of dance, and the pantry station demands an unnecessarily convoluted dance to keep up with the demand. Without the salads, tostadas, and tacos the station is already the busiest. Do we really need to combine ballet and swing by including these extra awkward dance steps in this single station? For a kitchen designed this poorly I suppose it is. Again, see attached document for an intelligently designed kitchen that might be able to accommodate this menu. Unless Bikini Bottom is going to close for a month to fix the baffling floor plan design the menu is shouting to be reduced to 30-36 items.
The menu is too big. Krusty Krab is the jack of all foods, master of none. In general I believe individual locations should be allowed 18% omissions, and 18% unique items to this wildly unwieldy menu sitting around 50 food items including sides. The insistence on keeping menu items that don’t sell at Bikini Bottom because of Bluffington is mind boggling. Chicken tenders do not sell at Bikini Bottom. fried sushi does not sell at Bikini Bottom, not enough to justify their place on the line. I don’t care how well these items work in Bluffinton. They. Do. Not. Work. At. Bikini. Bottom. If the KK location in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean sells an incredible amount of live krill does that mean Bikini Bottom and O-Town must sell live krill too? Take the fried sushi off the menu. I had a complete meltdown about this during a Dimmadome service and my valid point was met with indifference. Replace the kid’s tenders with a kid’s fish sticks. We already have the tilapia fish sticks on the line for tacos. Or make the kid’s fish sticks cod. We cut cod to order for fish tacos in spite of health code violations because it is too rare of an order to make beforehand. Saffron in mashed potatoes? If you must. Why are green tomatoes only on the menu during lunch? Bikini Bottom throws away a sizable amount of spoiled green tomatoes each week. Have green tomatoes on the menu all day long or don’t have them at all. The smoked salmon could go on salads or a special taco to justify its place on the line. The corn pico’s place on the line is unjustified. It only goes on one item, tostadas, which are not particularly popular. If we had a taco salad we could throw the corn pico on there. We also have unreasonable waste from unusable taco shells, smash up those imperfect taco shells and throw them on said taco salad. But before we add salads, let's get rid of the pear and kale salads. The pears' position on the line are unjustified, if we threw them on a taco variation maybe their place on the Bikini Bottom line could be argued but for now they only go on a salad that isn’t particularly popular. The kale salad is an issue of space for a 4th green for salads is too much. The krusty salad is my most hated house salad of all time. And it comes down to the toast with goat cheese. This ancillary step of spreading goat cheese on a cracker is an unnecessary step for an overly complicated dance and should be part of the expo dance if expo wasn’t a shoddily designed afterthought lacking a low boy.
There are a plethora of squeeze bottles on the pantry station that have no place on the overloaded station. They belong to an expo station with a low boy to keep them cold. Pantry has an overwhelming ten squeeze bottles: chipotle crema, sweet chili vinaigrette, buffalo, korean bbq, ranch, caesar, wine vinaigrette, lemon vinaigrette, honey mustard, and lemon aioli. Only the first four are justified on an intelligently designed fryer section, the second four belong on the build station, the last two have no place anywhere but expo. With this extra space sautee could keep their bottles and two purees cold in the fryer's lowboy instead of leaving them at room temperature all day inviting a pathogen party. This theorized intelligently designed expo would have room to keep these four squeeze bottles and a double of every sauce chilled to pour them into ramekins, a move that is highly common in the expo dance. The fact that expo doesn’t have a double of all squeeze bottles is foolish. Expo has to bother an overloaded station to pour these side sauces instead.
How many gallons of basil aioli has Bikini Bottom thrown away in 11 months? Four aiolis in general is way too many and most go on a single item; basil aioli on the incredibly unpopular veggie burger, lemon aioli for calamari, sweet chili aioli for the BLT that is only served half of the day, and garlic aioli actually goes on two items…I believe. What a colossal waste of precious little space, lose two aiolis and then you can sing the logical song with me. Perhaps we can put garlic aioli and sweet chili vinaigrette on the BLT separately and accomplish the exact same thing the sweet chili aioli does. The wings too have unneeded complications. Having worked at a sports bar specializing in wings for the better part of a decade I find KK’s plating of wings to be overly pretentious. The carrots, celery, and blue cheese have lost function. Heffer Wolf always said no one eats the carrot/celery julienne with blue cheese. It’s a complete waste of all the ingredients because you’ve gone too far with the presentation. Wings aren’t fancy. Wings are supposed to have a small pool of sauce and be sloppy. It’s like a sloppy joe that’s not sloppy, an unsloppy joe is a failure to sloppy joes just as the KK presentation of wings is a disparagement to the dish. Ever since training week back in 2022 I have used a scale to give Bikini Bottom a passing or failing grade.
Chokey Chicken to Chum Bucket is the scale I use to judge efficiency and sanity at Bikini Bottom. Both establishments are upscale casual dining experiences in Capitol City in the same vein as KK. Chokey had high employee retention and relatively smooth openings for new locations. Chum Bucket’s employee turnover was high and every location opening was chaotic. Which one sounds closer to KK? Chokey Chicken was filled with chefs I respect including Chef Ren Hoek who remains a close friend to this day. Ren lost his lifelong passion for kitchen work after working management at Chum Bucket. He’s actually seeking work in Bikini Bottom. Call him up at [phone number], but KK will give him Nam’ flashbacks of why he chose driving for a living rather than cooking for five years. The pair of us together helming Bikini Bottom with the ability to omit and create 18% of the overloaded menu can bring success to this franchise. We have worked well numerous times in the past on various concepts in the past including creating The Attack of the Pickled Tomatoes Burger for [Promotional live performance of a TV show] at the Capitol City Theater. We served 100 people in 60 at the [sitcom filming] lunch. That’s physically impossible but somehow we did it quite a few times.
A fun anecdote about Ren Hoek’s KK experience from the soft launch; on training week numerous times I brought concerns about being seafood allergy safe that were dismissed. As mentioned earlier the pantry station lacks the counter space to have two containers of flour and two containers of batter, one each of which seafood never touches. Before the soft launch Chef Stimpy from Bluffington insisted all customers just kind of know everything is prone to be seafood contaminated. Well, chef Ren was a customer that night and this absolutely was not communicated to customers. He claimed to have a slight seafood allergy and was not informed of what the crab soup was. In reality he does not have a seafood allergy. I didn’t discuss the seafood issue with Ren, separately we noticed egregious violations of food safety standards and we each responded in our own way. The soft launch service was so awful that night Chef Ren walked out of a free meal to pay for some ramen, never to return to Bikini Bottom. I attribute this oversight, and many of Bikini Bottom’s (and probably O-Town’s) problems to hubris over the Bluffington location.
Chef Chokey would also be hesitant to join the KK team. It will cost a finder’s fee just for me to reveal Chef Chokey’s name. Chef Chokey was a lead in the rapid expansion of Chokey Chicken restaurants. He opened numerous restaurants and was big on the philosophy that each restaurant must have its own personality in order to fit the unique local culture and the variety of working spaces. This is in direct conflict with the KK way that everything must be exactly like the Bluffington location no matter what. There was only one Chokey Chicken location that had the full menu, Chokey Springfield. Chokey Springfield had a large space which was intelligently designed to accommodate such a large menu. The KK menu is all over the place, closing in on 50 menu items which comes up as a failure on the Chokey Chicken/Chum Bucket scale. This is not the only area KK comes up as a major failure on the Chokey Chicken/Chum Bucket scale.
Has anyone in this company ever worked festival traffic before? Does anyone have the experience of working next to a major venue with 8000 seats before this one? The way Bikini Bottom handles Dimmadome services it certainly appears that the decision-makers fall on the wrong side of the Dunning-Kruger effect. Having all 50 items available during such massive traffic is completely asinine. An unwillingness to serve a partial menu is hindering the Bikini Bottom kitchen staff. I have worked festival traffic before, and Dimmadome events bring in festival traffic. I’ve worked inside a festival whose line never ended but every customer got their order in 5 minutes or less because the line kept flowing with only four items on the menu as that’s what was warranted at the B-Sharps Music Festival. I refuse to be set up for failure the way Bikini Bottom sets up Dimmadome services for failure. The entire week of concerts in [summer] 2022 I was set up for failure every day (it was after this I modified my availability to keep my sanity and my paycheck). When I brought my concerns about running efficiently during Dimmadome services I was labeled a B-worker for the first time in my employment history by Icus and Krabs. It is that moment which I was either going to holler at them both for being 2-dimensional thinkers who were obviously unqualified for the positions they accepted in this company, or just put my head down. If Bikini Bottom has a successful concert day service, hail your team because they snatched victory from the jaws of defeat. They swam with concrete shoes. I often wonder how many customers had bad experiences and never returned after concert days. A Dimmadome service should have no more than 25 items and have one or two specials to divert traffic towards an area the kitchen can keep moving. An Open Cup Open Plate (OCOP) special for foot traffic is absolutely needed. When I suggested OCOP special, Heffer was intrigued by this idea and immediately named burgers as the special to keep foot traffic flowing. Smithers wouldn’t hear this idea, babbling on about what’s advertised instead of hearing out a sound idea. This prattle despite radio commercials having inaccurate hours and social media promoting Bikini Bottom’s steak tacos to this day. I always found Smithers to be a better fit as a middle management office pencil pusher than as a hands-on restaurant manager. Overall I find KK managers are selected to be automatons not to question their orders rather than critical thinkers who could take the restaurant to the next level. During brunch service is another period of time that must be modified to lessen the heft of items. Having a full menu that barely works plus brunch is so deep into Chum Bucket territory, in my opinion we now have to use the Tropic Thunder scale of full retard to describe a 60-plus-item brunch. Chef Ren hired back a Chum Bucket cook who had a mental breakdown and stormed out during brunch (plus full menu) service because Ren knew the employee was justified and upper management was completely unreasonable in their brunch requests. It’s not just questionable decisions that hinder KK staff but improper equipment as well.
This is the first restaurant I have worked at which uses a touch screen on the line rather than tickets. From day one I found this to be technology for technology’s sake inferior to tickets. Chef Ren forced a new Chum Bucket location to rip out touch screens from the line and bring in ticket printers because of the higher efficiency. The touch screen is a great idea for expo, not the entire line. My biggest gripe is that each station does not get all the information. Early on I was regularly yelled at for not staggering my items, well I can’t see the rest of the order; a problem I have never had with a ticket system. Touchscreen software is also much more prone to errors and glitches. When I reported an error during a heavy service Icus and Krabs blamed my skills on the line without looking into the malfunctioning screen further. It was glitchy for weeks before the two finally investigated and corrected the issue I brought to their attention long before. Those two gave me an immense amount of ammunition to dislike them in the opening weeks until I stopped caring. The issue I had with being unable to scroll beyond the bottom of a completely filled screen has returned and is still there as of [my last day]. There are also important details that get buried. A frequent meltdown I have is that sauce on side requests and other important modifications are not capitalized or in red to catch the eye as they have been at jobs with tickets. These details get lost on Bikini Bottom’s touchscreens. A sauce on side salad made by me will be wrong 50% of the time because of the instructions being camouflaged in a word salad. This goes for coleslaw on the side and drizzle on the side too. Drizzle in general I dislike because of the pretentiousness, but whatever, drizzle it on top rather than putting it in a ramekin if you must. There are numerous places where Bikini Bottom overcomplicates matters for reasons I cannot ascertain.
Why is there such a large variety of plates? Why do we have a medium circular plate for salads and a large bowl for salads with protein? This just confuses the simplest of matters. I was told this is done because of the high price hike with protein, a larger presentation was desired. But that price hike is the price of protein in 2023. Bikini Bottom should put all salads in the large bowls and use all the circular salad plates in a skeet shooting promotion. I understand why we have both a circular platter plate and a pizza plate but in my restaurant the circular platter plates must go...or maybe the large platter plate instead. Is the large platter used for anything besides fish and chips? That extra space on fish and chips plates are only used for side sauces which can easily be delivered to customers on small circular plates. What is the medium oval plate doing that the medium rectangular plate isn’t? And vice versa. Why do they both exist when they are approximately the same size? Let me write an internet commercial where we break a lot of plates so we can get some logical use out of the superfluous plates. I don’t care which one is destroyed, the ovals or the rectangles but one of them is an unnecessary redundancy in excess done again. Speaking of commercials, the unimaginative radio advertisements for Bikini Bottom are doing little to lure new customers to the restaurant.
The three radio spots I have heard on KBBL all sound like they were produced by a marketing 101 student who wasn’t a natural in the field. The voiceover actor was so uncharismatic I was certain someone from the office was chosen at random to read the copy. Then I heard that same voiceover actor selling pool supplies on another radio station so I concluded that Bikini Bottom must have hired the cheapest guy in town to produce the most basic of commercials. Perhaps there is someone else you could hire more qualified to voiceover these commercials, an actor with experience on an Emmy award winning cable program whose unique place in the film industry was written about on [website] would be a much wiser choice to be the voice of the KK? (See external link). In the ad there was no catchphrase, no jingle, no music whatsoever. This simple approach to commercials lacks the pizazz to catch the attention of radio listeners. The first two commercials I heard would get a C in marketing 101 as they were nearly the exact same and accomplished the bare minimum to sell wares, the third one would maybe get a B- because there was some sort of attempted gimmick with the voiceover whispering to represent thinking inside his head about what he was going to eat later at KK. Not only does this commercial give no reason for the man to think inside his head, the outside world still and unpopulated. To see what a creative person would do with this concept see the attached script. There is an attempted slogan that could become part of an ad campaign. Commercials aren’t the only lost opportunities in promotions.
There are numerous promotional celebrity tie-ins at Bikini Bottom’s fingertips with Dimmadome performers. The restaurant could have a Phish sandwich as a OCOP special on [Phish performance dates], or a pretentious Jelly Roll on [Jelly Roll performance date]. Has anyone reached out to the Dimmadome theater or talent management for approved special menu items to be promoted inside the dome? Perhaps a special 20% discount to ticket holders? Is Bikini Bottom capable of getting permits to extend Open Container hours beyond [cutoff time] for an afterparty or block party throughout a Dimmadome concert? I see additional marketing opportunities left on the table for all new locations.
I believe new KK locations are missing out on a marketing campaign by opening with the entire cumbersome 50 item menu. This is a staggering amount of menu items which is too much to ask new staffers to perfect all at once. After a few months expanding the menu by approximately ten items is catching to customers who haven’t returned after a single visit or infrequently stop into KK. There are ten new food items that might appeal to them. Just like it appears KK doesn’t know what it’s looking for in a good commercial spot, this company doesn’t appear to recognize a talented from an untalented worker until it’s too late.
It is my understanding that KK had a headhunter to find Icus, the first Bikini Bottom kitchen manager. If it were up to me I’d hire someone to break the legs of that headhunter for bringing in a subpar kitchen lead. We are still attempting to recover from the lousy choices she made in the floor plan. If anybody responsible for Bikini Bottom’s floor plan is still giving input, stop them immediately. Once the doors were open to the public Icus had his head in the clouds to a point where I questioned if he saw the writing on the walls of an imminent demotion and stopped trying as a result. I had a full deck of 3x5 cards in an archaic powerpoint presentation bringing numerous concerns to light that he kept putting off listening to until he was fired. Those same cards were broken out for this essay. The second kitchen manager, Krumm, is a good lesson in honesty. According to Heffer, Krumm was given a bill of goods about how smoothly KK Bikini Bottom was running. Since Krumm stepped into a latrine pit which he was led to believe was a heated pool, he left in short time. Krumm also had plans to modify the menu but when his bosses told him to be a rodeo clown rather than a cowboy Krumm didn’t take too kindly to that. Meanwhile Heffer was the savior of the Bikini Bottom kitchen. I didn’t agree with every single decision he made, but I did with a majority of them. Heffer’s overhaul was such a blessing so I didn’t have to fiddle with the organization of 60% of the equipment anymore, only about 20% now. Too bad Heffer’s crippling depression came back after bashing his head into the wall out of frustration with the shackles KK restrained him with.
The current management team is enthusiastic but inexperienced. I see an accumulation of small infractions that might bring down Bikini Bottom’s health department rating significantly. I see the entire management team being inattentive or unaware about organizational issues. Whatever bureaucratic nonsense corporate tasks everyone with from the original sous chef Skeeter to Patty Mayonnaise that makes them walk away from the line between 11am and 1pm especially is infuriating. I have never been left alone on a multi-person line during peak hours so regularly, and I won’t tolerate it anymore. As much as I believe in his drive, I imagine our current kitchen manager SpongeBob will be let go after a disastrous service during the Dimmadome concert season that someone has to take the fall for. Chef Ren and I could help bring experience in management and dealing with festival traffic...if corporate does not force us to follow a failing strategy.
After working nearly a year at KK you may ask why I’m not proficient on more than one station. Excellent question. First, when I move over to another station the squeeze bottles are never labeled (until Stu Pickles was hired, now they’re sometimes labeled), so I always looked at the glut of unlabeled sauces and I’d go back to my station because the basic information is missing (also a health department violation for having numerous unlabeled, unchilled bottles). In his first week the new general manager Stu Pickles pulled out 90% of the containers under the grill station because they were lacking labels despite an expected health department visit. The second reason for my menu ignorance is the mountain of prep for my own and upcoming shifts I have piled up on my station throughout service. My attention to detail appears to be next level with my ability to anticipate stocking all items for all shifts including the weeknd. The third reason I wouldn’t learn multiple stations is a defense against the afternoon conference calls. In [month] the Bikini Bottom line was unprepared for a busy post lunch because one cook was cut and our expo person was busy with a conference call. The two of us remaining on the line had a miserable slog through an unexpectedly busy afternoon. When I brought this up to Krabs he disregarded me, being a good bean counter he quoted the cost percentage. What he didn’t take into account was the missing expo person who could have jumped on the line and expo to help the understaffed two man team. That person was stuck on a conference call. Just recently I saw the company actively lose money because of this poorly thought-out meeting during business hours. A customer wanted to order a dessert that was 86ed but had been restocked by our prep cook an hour before. The server was unable to sell them their dessert because the only person in the building who could help un-86 an item was on a conference call. This conference call calamity is another bone-headed choice that speaks to a larger decision-making problem within the corporate structure. Finish the conference calls by 10:45 am eastern.
In conclusion, I quit my position as a lowly grunt for this company because of its unwarranted perplexing dance steps and below average management. I don’t care how much varnish and lacquer is supplied, I refuse to polish this Bikini Bottom turd as a manager or full-time employee under the current circumstances. You would have to take a pickaxe to the floor, possibly relocate the bathrooms to add a door to the dishpit, get rid of the cheap low boy that doesn’t properly drain excess water, and Mr Gorbachov knock down that wall in the middle of the kitchen to give the proper amount of space to work. Or simply reduce the menu to 36 items (including sides) because that’s the amount of space this dreadful design can comfortably output. Would Gordon Ramsay compliment KK for all the unnecessary convoluted complications abound, or would Chef Ramsay yell about keeping it simple and demand KK chuck it in the flip? Thanks to the numerous pop up restaurants I have been a part of and the hectic world of trade shows/conventions, I may have more experience than anyone else employed by KK in smoothly opening a new location. I would enjoy being part of the opening team to ensure new locations have an efficiency Bikini Bottom lacks, and to keep upper management away from their worst instincts. Work with me and Chef Ren and we will help you become a well oiled machine like Chokey Chicken instead of the Chum Bucket cesspit Bikini Bottom currently embodies.

I know quitting your job as a cook usually simply comes with two weeks notice or a ragequit walkout, but for eleven months I worked at a new franchise that had such potential which was being squandered by the incompetence of upper management. I present the nearly 6000 word thesis I turned in on my last day. Locations and names have been changed to cartoon references. Brackets represent ambiguous information in place of specific details.
Krusty Krab Careers Jobs
Opening in [Month/Year], Krusty Krab (KK) Bikini Bottom is on its 4th kitchen manager in less than a year. Krusty Krab O-Town has recently let go its inaugural kitchen manager and sous chef. Almost no member of the Bikini Bottom opening management team remains employed by KK. There is a pattern developing where one must question both the choice of employee and the directive given to new franchises. These lingering issues I brought concerns about in the first weeks of opening but was disregarded at every turn despite my experience with festival traffic. As a result I decided this was not a place I wanted to advance, but with a good-enough paycheck I’d be a lowly grunt in the kitchen four days a week, at five days a week I would have quit or been fired over a public outburst long ago. If Krusty Krab alters course slightly while being true to the brand this could be a successful chain.
My unique employment history in brick and mortar restaurants, food trucks, pop up culinary concepts, trade shows/conventions, and the film industry make me an ideal candidate to be on the opening team for new KK locations. My outgoing nature and foresight are valuable assets. For example, on training week before opening when I was standing around idly without a task I took it upon myself to organize the disarray that was dry storage. Overhearing Krabs tell another manager where he wanted the cleaning products placed, I had a jumping off point and the organization I created nine months ago is still largely in place. Since returning from my vacation in early February I have made it my mission to keep the storage area organized because it was again starting to resemble a hoarder’s house rather than a commercial kitchen. This is now part of my weekly routines because every time I turn my back there is more product being placed haphazardly just anywhere with little regard. I also recently reorganized the walk-in cooler because of problematic stocking with items being placed on the same shelf or below raw proteins. I also simply put all the like products together such as cheeses or fruits that were scattered amongst several shelves. With recent overordering I cannot keep up with the organization of the walk in cooler. The pattern recognition of food types and even simple shapes appears to be lost on the Bikini Bottom crew. My daily reorganization of containers is proof of this. Most days I’ll take a few minutes to put all cylinders together, all cambros together in descending volume, all deep and shallow pans next to each other rather than intermixed. My decision to be a kitchen manager at age 19 from 2005 thru 2008 and rarely enter restaurant management since is very calculated.
With my prior knowledge of professional kitchens I was becoming Bikini Bottom’s resident nag to coworkers as I made note of health department violations on a daily basis. I stopped after being largely ignored for two weeks. My regular health department nags include; a battle with jackets and hats being placed only in the designated area (a designated area that did not exist until I created a place for personal items a in January by neatly organizing the dry storage area again), waiting until prepped items are cooled before a cover is placed on top, placement of raw seafood, open containers (very often sugar, flour, and pancake mix bags ripped open and left), and dirty dishes/containers placed back in rotation. The dirty dishes and containers in rotation with the clean ones are at an atrociously high number. I have given up on making the 4th fryer seafood allergy safe too. With the low volume of seafood allergy safe items Bikini Bottom should purchase smaller baskets to visually discourage cross contamination with the other fryers and baskets. My skills to organize the kitchen do not end with simply where to store products to meet minimal health department standards.
Half of the space in the Bikini Bottom kitchen is completely wasted on an ill-advised walkway to the dishpit. An intelligent design would place a second doorway directly to the dishpit connected to the bar or where the bathrooms reside. Numerous times during the opening week of KK Bikini Bottom I said, yelled, sang, and muttered that we have too many food items for the amount of space we have. Icus stated that there was more space than Bluffington. Is Bluffington intelligently designed? Because Bikini Bottom most certainly isn’t. So Bikini Bottom actually has less space even if there is more square footage. See the attached diagram for an intelligent design that could potentially house a menu of this size. Bikini Bottom forces a line design on this kitchen when an open concept is needed for this menu. It’s as if this floorplan was created by a person who had only ever seen one commercial kitchen previously and couldn’t think 4th dimensionally to understand the needs of the workers to smoothly serve customers.
There is not enough counter space for pizzas without getting off the line, the microwave is placed completely out of the way, the freezer’s curved design is a waste of potential counter space and a falling hazard for containers stored on top of it, the toaster is an overcomplicated and overexpensive piece of machinery that serves exactly one purpose when a flat top could be used to toast bread and other purposes like a quesadilla special, sautee was designed without an overhang for spices, the pantry station lacks the counter space to have two containers of flour and two containers of batter for seafood allergies, there are no Frialator fryers which I have worked with at every single kitchen job previously instead we got the cheap Vulcan model (is that logical), the cheap low boy in pantry that doesn’t drain excess water anywhere it’s just supposed to evaporate somehow but doesn’t, the grill and fryer should be placed next to each other (with a higher volume of crossover than other stations), the floors are flat instead on having a mild decline towards the drains (just look at the standing water residing behind the oven right now), in the dishpit the spraying area and the filled sinks are backwards of a logical dipshit, the ramp to the back door is on the wrong side, there is no refrigerated place downstairs to stage extra food for busy shifts (the beer cooler is once again used for such food items because of this massive oversight), the prep station is an afterthought and miniscule, the dishes on the line are difficult to grab for anyone under 5’11” and inaccessible for anyone under 5’6” (instead of putting them underneath tables that also give that desperately needed counterspace I spoke of), there is not enough space to store to-go containers or boats behind the line, expo is lacking a low boy for the numerous items that are supposed to be cold but are instead kept at room temperature all day long, no one in management thought about buying shelves until right before Bikini Bottom opened as a result the clean full sheets sat on the floor for days, we had only the exact amount of 1⁄6 pans for an absurd amount of time making it impossible to rotate and clean them when necessary (which is daily), we still struggle with 1/9 pan supply. And just when I thought I documented all the poor design choices possible I stumbled upon a person whose office holiday party was booked at KK Bikini Bottom. The deck space works just fine as a deck. It does not double well as a gathering space. The space is too long and narrow for parties, it promotes little splitoff groups rather than a coming together of a larger gathering. It may be advantageous to contact a social psychologist for help designing a private party space that promotes intermingling rather than enforcing small pockets to form. The reorganization of the physical kitchen isn’t all that screams for an overhaul.
There are six positions on the line at the Krusty Krab; expo, oven, grill, sautee, fryer, and pantry. But the pantry and fryer positions are forced together like a bad remix. Everyone who mainly works pantry deserves a $6 raise immediately because it is a station and a half. Both Icus and Krumm, while kitchen manager, kind of acknowledged the pantry is too big for one station without outright mentioning the lopsided distribution of work. I imagine in the only location where this works, Bluffington, a second person joins the pantry at noon because of the unreasonable amount of items one person is tasked with. Bikini Bottom only has one person in this position at all times, maybe modify it for one person? The excess of items on the pantry position largely resembles a position I would call “set-up” or “build” at a previous job that made sensible choices. This build position should have tostadas, tacos, butcher’s blocks, toast, salads, lettuce wrap set ups, and preparing plating for whichever station is most bogged down. I have absolutely lost my mind yelling about salads at least once a month, ranting that they do not belong on the fryer position because of how illogical it is that five salads are included on the mountain of other items the pantry has. I have always considered working in a kitchen a kind of dance, and the pantry station demands an unnecessarily convoluted dance to keep up with the demand. Without the salads, tostadas, and tacos the station is already the busiest. Do we really need to combine ballet and swing by including these extra awkward dance steps in this single station? For a kitchen designed this poorly I suppose it is. Again, see attached document for an intelligently designed kitchen that might be able to accommodate this menu. Unless Bikini Bottom is going to close for a month to fix the baffling floor plan design the menu is shouting to be reduced to 30-36 items.
The menu is too big. Krusty Krab is the jack of all foods, master of none. In general I believe individual locations should be allowed 18% omissions, and 18% unique items to this wildly unwieldy menu sitting around 50 food items including sides. The insistence on keeping menu items that don’t sell at Bikini Bottom because of Bluffington is mind boggling. Chicken tenders do not sell at Bikini Bottom. fried sushi does not sell at Bikini Bottom, not enough to justify their place on the line. I don’t care how well these items work in Bluffinton. They. Do. Not. Work. At. Bikini. Bottom. If the KK location in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean sells an incredible amount of live krill does that mean Bikini Bottom and O-Town must sell live krill too? Take the fried sushi off the menu. I had a complete meltdown about this during a Dimmadome service and my valid point was met with indifference. Replace the kid’s tenders with a kid’s fish sticks. We already have the tilapia fish sticks on the line for tacos. Or make the kid’s fish sticks cod. We cut cod to order for fish tacos in spite of health code violations because it is too rare of an order to make beforehand. Saffron in mashed potatoes? If you must. Why are green tomatoes only on the menu during lunch? Bikini Bottom throws away a sizable amount of spoiled green tomatoes each week. Have green tomatoes on the menu all day long or don’t have them at all. The smoked salmon could go on salads or a special taco to justify its place on the line. The corn pico’s place on the line is unjustified. It only goes on one item, tostadas, which are not particularly popular. If we had a taco salad we could throw the corn pico on there. We also have unreasonable waste from unusable taco shells, smash up those imperfect taco shells and throw them on said taco salad. But before we add salads, let's get rid of the pear and kale salads. The pears' position on the line are unjustified, if we threw them on a taco variation maybe their place on the Bikini Bottom line could be argued but for now they only go on a salad that isn’t particularly popular. The kale salad is an issue of space for a 4th green for salads is too much. The krusty salad is my most hated house salad of all time. And it comes down to the toast with goat cheese. This ancillary step of spreading goat cheese on a cracker is an unnecessary step for an overly complicated dance and should be part of the expo dance if expo wasn’t a shoddily designed afterthought lacking a low boy.
There are a plethora of squeeze bottles on the pantry station that have no place on the overloaded station. They belong to an expo station with a low boy to keep them cold. Pantry has an overwhelming ten squeeze bottles: chipotle crema, sweet chili vinaigrette, buffalo, korean bbq, ranch, caesar, wine vinaigrette, lemon vinaigrette, honey mustard, and lemon aioli. Only the first four are justified on an intelligently designed fryer section, the second four belong on the build station, the last two have no place anywhere but expo. With this extra space sautee could keep their bottles and two purees cold in the fryer's lowboy instead of leaving them at room temperature all day inviting a pathogen party. This theorized intelligently designed expo would have room to keep these four squeeze bottles and a double of every sauce chilled to pour them into ramekins, a move that is highly common in the expo dance. The fact that expo doesn’t have a double of all squeeze bottles is foolish. Expo has to bother an overloaded station to pour these side sauces instead.
How many gallons of basil aioli has Bikini Bottom thrown away in 11 months? Four aiolis in general is way too many and most go on a single item; basil aioli on the incredibly unpopular veggie burger, lemon aioli for calamari, sweet chili aioli for the BLT that is only served half of the day, and garlic aioli actually goes on two items…I believe. What a colossal waste of precious little space, lose two aiolis and then you can sing the logical song with me. Perhaps we can put garlic aioli and sweet chili vinaigrette on the BLT separately and accomplish the exact same thing the sweet chili aioli does. The wings too have unneeded complications. Having worked at a sports bar specializing in wings for the better part of a decade I find KK’s plating of wings to be overly pretentious. The carrots, celery, and blue cheese have lost function. Heffer Wolf always said no one eats the carrot/celery julienne with blue cheese. It’s a complete waste of all the ingredients because you’ve gone too far with the presentation. Wings aren’t fancy. Wings are supposed to have a small pool of sauce and be sloppy. It’s like a sloppy joe that’s not sloppy, an unsloppy joe is a failure to sloppy joes just as the KK presentation of wings is a disparagement to the dish. Ever since training week back in 2022 I have used a scale to give Bikini Bottom a passing or failing grade.
Chokey Chicken to Chum Bucket is the scale I use to judge efficiency and sanity at Bikini Bottom. Both establishments are upscale casual dining experiences in Capitol City in the same vein as KK. Chokey had high employee retention and relatively smooth openings for new locations. Chum Bucket’s employee turnover was high and every location opening was chaotic. Which one sounds closer to KK? Chokey Chicken was filled with chefs I respect including Chef Ren Hoek who remains a close friend to this day. Ren lost his lifelong passion for kitchen work after working management at Chum Bucket. He’s actually seeking work in Bikini Bottom. Call him up at [phone number], but KK will give him Nam’ flashbacks of why he chose driving for a living rather than cooking for five years. The pair of us together helming Bikini Bottom with the ability to omit and create 18% of the overloaded menu can bring success to this franchise. We have worked well numerous times in the past on various concepts in the past including creating The Attack of the Pickled Tomatoes Burger for [Promotional live performance of a TV show] at the Capitol City Theater. We served 100 people in 60 at the [sitcom filming] lunch. That’s physically impossible but somehow we did it quite a few times.
A fun anecdote about Ren Hoek’s KK experience from the soft launch; on training week numerous times I brought concerns about being seafood allergy safe that were dismissed. As mentioned earlier the pantry station lacks the counter space to have two containers of flour and two containers of batter, one each of which seafood never touches. Before the soft launch Chef Stimpy from Bluffington insisted all customers just kind of know everything is prone to be seafood contaminated. Well, chef Ren was a customer that night and this absolutely was not communicated to customers. He claimed to have a slight seafood allergy and was not informed of what the crab soup was. In reality he does not have a seafood allergy. I didn’t discuss the seafood issue with Ren, separately we noticed egregious violations of food safety standards and we each responded in our own way. The soft launch service was so awful that night Chef Ren walked out of a free meal to pay for some ramen, never to return to Bikini Bottom. I attribute this oversight, and many of Bikini Bottom’s (and probably O-Town’s) problems to hubris over the Bluffington location.
Chef Chokey would also be hesitant to join the KK team. It will cost a finder’s fee just for me to reveal Chef Chokey’s name. Chef Chokey was a lead in the rapid expansion of Chokey Chicken restaurants. He opened numerous restaurants and was big on the philosophy that each restaurant must have its own personality in order to fit the unique local culture and the variety of working spaces. This is in direct conflict with the KK way that everything must be exactly like the Bluffington location no matter what. There was only one Chokey Chicken location that had the full menu, Chokey Springfield. Chokey Springfield had a large space which was intelligently designed to accommodate such a large menu. The KK menu is all over the place, closing in on 50 menu items which comes up as a failure on the Chokey Chicken/Chum Bucket scale. This is not the only area KK comes up as a major failure on the Chokey Chicken/Chum Bucket scale.
Has anyone in this company ever worked festival traffic before? Does anyone have the experience of working next to a major venue with 8000 seats before this one? The way Bikini Bottom handles Dimmadome services it certainly appears that the decision-makers fall on the wrong side of the Dunning-Kruger effect. Having all 50 items available during such massive traffic is completely asinine. An unwillingness to serve a partial menu is hindering the Bikini Bottom kitchen staff. I have worked festival traffic before, and Dimmadome events bring in festival traffic. I’ve worked inside a festival whose line never ended but every customer got their order in 5 minutes or less because the line kept flowing with only four items on the menu as that’s what was warranted at the B-Sharps Music Festival. I refuse to be set up for failure the way Bikini Bottom sets up Dimmadome services for failure. The entire week of concerts in [summer] 2022 I was set up for failure every day (it was after this I modified my availability to keep my sanity and my paycheck). When I brought my concerns about running efficiently during Dimmadome services I was labeled a B-worker for the first time in my employment history by Icus and Krabs. It is that moment which I was either going to holler at them both for being 2-dimensional thinkers who were obviously unqualified for the positions they accepted in this company, or just put my head down. If Bikini Bottom has a successful concert day service, hail your team because they snatched victory from the jaws of defeat. They swam with concrete shoes. I often wonder how many customers had bad experiences and never returned after concert days. A Dimmadome service should have no more than 25 items and have one or two specials to divert traffic towards an area the kitchen can keep moving. An Open Cup Open Plate (OCOP) special for foot traffic is absolutely needed. When I suggested OCOP special, Heffer was intrigued by this idea and immediately named burgers as the special to keep foot traffic flowing. Smithers wouldn’t hear this idea, babbling on about what’s advertised instead of hearing out a sound idea. This prattle despite radio commercials having inaccurate hours and social media promoting Bikini Bottom’s steak tacos to this day. I always found Smithers to be a better fit as a middle management office pencil pusher than as a hands-on restaurant manager. Overall I find KK managers are selected to be automatons not to question their orders rather than critical thinkers who could take the restaurant to the next level. During brunch service is another period of time that must be modified to lessen the heft of items. Having a full menu that barely works plus brunch is so deep into Chum Bucket territory, in my opinion we now have to use the Tropic Thunder scale of full retard to describe a 60-plus-item brunch. Chef Ren hired back a Chum Bucket cook who had a mental breakdown and stormed out during brunch (plus full menu) service because Ren knew the employee was justified and upper management was completely unreasonable in their brunch requests. It’s not just questionable decisions that hinder KK staff but improper equipment as well.
This is the first restaurant I have worked at which uses a touch screen on the line rather than tickets. From day one I found this to be technology for technology’s sake inferior to tickets. Chef Ren forced a new Chum Bucket location to rip out touch screens from the line and bring in ticket printers because of the higher efficiency. The touch screen is a great idea for expo, not the entire line. My biggest gripe is that each station does not get all the information. Early on I was regularly yelled at for not staggering my items, well I can’t see the rest of the order; a problem I have never had with a ticket system. Touchscreen software is also much more prone to errors and glitches. When I reported an error during a heavy service Icus and Krabs blamed my skills on the line without looking into the malfunctioning screen further. It was glitchy for weeks before the two finally investigated and corrected the issue I brought to their attention long before. Those two gave me an immense amount of ammunition to dislike them in the opening weeks until I stopped caring. The issue I had with being unable to scroll beyond the bottom of a completely filled screen has returned and is still there as of [my last day]. There are also important details that get buried. A frequent meltdown I have is that sauce on side requests and other important modifications are not capitalized or in red to catch the eye as they have been at jobs with tickets. These details get lost on Bikini Bottom’s touchscreens. A sauce on side salad made by me will be wrong 50% of the time because of the instructions being camouflaged in a word salad. This goes for coleslaw on the side and drizzle on the side too. Drizzle in general I dislike because of the pretentiousness, but whatever, drizzle it on top rather than putting it in a ramekin if you must. There are numerous places where Bikini Bottom overcomplicates matters for reasons I cannot ascertain.
Why is there such a large variety of plates? Why do we have a medium circular plate for salads and a large bowl for salads with protein? This just confuses the simplest of matters. I was told this is done because of the high price hike with protein, a larger presentation was desired. But that price hike is the price of protein in 2023. Bikini Bottom should put all salads in the large bowls and use all the circular salad plates in a skeet shooting promotion. I understand why we have both a circular platter plate and a pizza plate but in my restaurant the circular platter plates must go...or maybe the large platter plate instead. Is the large platter used for anything besides fish and chips? That extra space on fish and chips plates are only used for side sauces which can easily be delivered to customers on small circular plates. What is the medium oval plate doing that the medium rectangular plate isn’t? And vice versa. Why do they both exist when they are approximately the same size? Let me write an internet commercial where we break a lot of plates so we can get some logical use out of the superfluous plates. I don’t care which one is destroyed, the ovals or the rectangles but one of them is an unnecessary redundancy in excess done again. Speaking of commercials, the unimaginative radio advertisements for Bikini Bottom are doing little to lure new customers to the restaurant.
The three radio spots I have heard on KBBL all sound like they were produced by a marketing 101 student who wasn’t a natural in the field. The voiceover actor was so uncharismatic I was certain someone from the office was chosen at random to read the copy. Then I heard that same voiceover actor selling pool supplies on another radio station so I concluded that Bikini Bottom must have hired the cheapest guy in town to produce the most basic of commercials. Perhaps there is someone else you could hire more qualified to voiceover these commercials, an actor with experience on an Emmy award winning cable program whose unique place in the film industry was written about on [website] would be a much wiser choice to be the voice of the KK? (See external link). In the ad there was no catchphrase, no jingle, no music whatsoever. This simple approach to commercials lacks the pizazz to catch the attention of radio listeners. The first two commercials I heard would get a C in marketing 101 as they were nearly the exact same and accomplished the bare minimum to sell wares, the third one would maybe get a B- because there was some sort of attempted gimmick with the voiceover whispering to represent thinking inside his head about what he was going to eat later at KK. Not only does this commercial give no reason for the man to think inside his head, the outside world still and unpopulated. To see what a creative person would do with this concept see the attached script. There is an attempted slogan that could become part of an ad campaign. Commercials aren’t the only lost opportunities in promotions.
There are numerous promotional celebrity tie-ins at Bikini Bottom’s fingertips with Dimmadome performers. The restaurant could have a Phish sandwich as a OCOP special on [Phish performance dates], or a pretentious Jelly Roll on [Jelly Roll performance date]. Has anyone reached out to the Dimmadome theater or talent management for approved special menu items to be promoted inside the dome? Perhaps a special 20% discount to ticket holders? Is Bikini Bottom capable of getting permits to extend Open Container hours beyond [cutoff time] for an afterparty or block party throughout a Dimmadome concert? I see additional marketing opportunities left on the table for all new locations.
I believe new KK locations are missing out on a marketing campaign by opening with the entire cumbersome 50 item menu. This is a staggering amount of menu items which is too much to ask new staffers to perfect all at once. After a few months expanding the menu by approximately ten items is catching to customers who haven’t returned after a single visit or infrequently stop into KK. There are ten new food items that might appeal to them. Just like it appears KK doesn’t know what it’s looking for in a good commercial spot, this company doesn’t appear to recognize a talented from an untalented worker until it’s too late.
It is my understanding that KK had a headhunter to find Icus, the first Bikini Bottom kitchen manager. If it were up to me I’d hire someone to break the legs of that headhunter for bringing in a subpar kitchen lead. We are still attempting to recover from the lousy choices she made in the floor plan. If anybody responsible for Bikini Bottom’s floor plan is still giving input, stop them immediately. Once the doors were open to the public Icus had his head in the clouds to a point where I questioned if he saw the writing on the walls of an imminent demotion and stopped trying as a result. I had a full deck of 3x5 cards in an archaic powerpoint presentation bringing numerous concerns to light that he kept putting off listening to until he was fired. Those same cards were broken out for this essay. The second kitchen manager, Krumm, is a good lesson in honesty. According to Heffer, Krumm was given a bill of goods about how smoothly KK Bikini Bottom was running. Since Krumm stepped into a latrine pit which he was led to believe was a heated pool, he left in short time. Krumm also had plans to modify the menu but when his bosses told him to be a rodeo clown rather than a cowboy Krumm didn’t take too kindly to that. Meanwhile Heffer was the savior of the Bikini Bottom kitchen. I didn’t agree with every single decision he made, but I did with a majority of them. Heffer’s overhaul was such a blessing so I didn’t have to fiddle with the organization of 60% of the equipment anymore, only about 20% now. Too bad Heffer’s crippling depression came back after bashing his head into the wall out of frustration with the shackles KK restrained him with.
The current management team is enthusiastic but inexperienced. I see an accumulation of small infractions that might bring down Bikini Bottom’s health department rating significantly. I see the entire management team being inattentive or unaware about organizational issues. Whatever bureaucratic nonsense corporate tasks everyone with from the original sous chef Skeeter to Patty Mayonnaise that makes them walk away from the line between 11am and 1pm especially is infuriating. I have never been left alone on a multi-person line during peak hours so regularly, and I won’t tolerate it anymore. As much as I believe in his drive, I imagine our current kitchen manager SpongeBob will be let go after a disastrous service during the Dimmadome concert season that someone has to take the fall for. Chef Ren and I could help bring experience in management and dealing with festival traffic...if corporate does not force us to follow a failing strategy.
After working nearly a year at KK you may ask why I’m not proficient on more than one station. Excellent question. First, when I move over to another station the squeeze bottles are never labeled (until Stu Pickles was hired, now they’re sometimes labeled), so I always looked at the glut of unlabeled sauces and I’d go back to my station because the basic information is missing (also a health department violation for having numerous unlabeled, unchilled bottles). In his first week the new general manager Stu Pickles pulled out 90% of the containers under the grill station because they were lacking labels despite an expected health department visit. The second reason for my menu ignorance is the mountain of prep for my own and upcoming shifts I have piled up on my station throughout service. My attention to detail appears to be next level with my ability to anticipate stocking all items for all shifts including the weeknd. The third reason I wouldn’t learn multiple stations is a defense against the afternoon conference calls. In [month] the Bikini Bottom line was unprepared for a busy post lunch because one cook was cut and our expo person was busy with a conference call. The two of us remaining on the line had a miserable slog through an unexpectedly busy afternoon. When I brought this up to Krabs he disregarded me, being a good bean counter he quoted the cost percentage. What he didn’t take into account was the missing expo person who could have jumped on the line and expo to help the understaffed two man team. That person was stuck on a conference call. Just recently I saw the company actively lose money because of this poorly thought-out meeting during business hours. A customer wanted to order a dessert that was 86ed but had been restocked by our prep cook an hour before. The server was unable to sell them their dessert because the only person in the building who could help un-86 an item was on a conference call. This conference call calamity is another bone-headed choice that speaks to a larger decision-making problem within the corporate structure. Finish the conference calls by 10:45 am eastern.
In conclusion, I quit my position as a lowly grunt for this company because of its unwarranted perplexing dance steps and below average management. I don’t care how much varnish and lacquer is supplied, I refuse to polish this Bikini Bottom turd as a manager or full-time employee under the current circumstances. You would have to take a pickaxe to the floor, possibly relocate the bathrooms to add a door to the dishpit, get rid of the cheap low boy that doesn’t properly drain excess water, and Mr Gorbachov knock down that wall in the middle of the kitchen to give the proper amount of space to work. Or simply reduce the menu to 36 items (including sides) because that’s the amount of space this dreadful design can comfortably output. Would Gordon Ramsay compliment KK for all the unnecessary convoluted complications abound, or would Chef Ramsay yell about keeping it simple and demand KK chuck it in the flip? Thanks to the numerous pop up restaurants I have been a part of and the hectic world of trade shows/conventions, I may have more experience than anyone else employed by KK in smoothly opening a new location. I would enjoy being part of the opening team to ensure new locations have an efficiency Bikini Bottom lacks, and to keep upper management away from their worst instincts. Work with me and Chef Ren and we will help you become a well oiled machine like Chokey Chicken instead of the Chum Bucket cesspit Bikini Bottom currently embodies.

I know quitting your job as a cook usually simply comes with two weeks notice or a ragequit walkout, but for eleven months I worked at a new franchise that had such potential which was being squandered by the incompetence of upper management. I present the nearly 6000 word thesis I turned in on my last day. Locations and names have been changed to cartoon references. Brackets represent ambiguous information in place of specific details.
Krusty Krab Careers Jobs
Opening in [Month/Year], Krusty Krab (KK) Bikini Bottom is on its 4th kitchen manager in less than a year. Krusty Krab O-Town has recently let go its inaugural kitchen manager and sous chef. Almost no member of the Bikini Bottom opening management team remains employed by KK. There is a pattern developing where one must question both the choice of employee and the directive given to new franchises. These lingering issues I brought concerns about in the first weeks of opening but was disregarded at every turn despite my experience with festival traffic. As a result I decided this was not a place I wanted to advance, but with a good-enough paycheck I’d be a lowly grunt in the kitchen four days a week, at five days a week I would have quit or been fired over a public outburst long ago. If Krusty Krab alters course slightly while being true to the brand this could be a successful chain.
My unique employment history in brick and mortar restaurants, food trucks, pop up culinary concepts, trade shows/conventions, and the film industry make me an ideal candidate to be on the opening team for new KK locations. My outgoing nature and foresight are valuable assets. For example, on training week before opening when I was standing around idly without a task I took it upon myself to organize the disarray that was dry storage. Overhearing Krabs tell another manager where he wanted the cleaning products placed, I had a jumping off point and the organization I created nine months ago is still largely in place. Since returning from my vacation in early February I have made it my mission to keep the storage area organized because it was again starting to resemble a hoarder’s house rather than a commercial kitchen. This is now part of my weekly routines because every time I turn my back there is more product being placed haphazardly just anywhere with little regard. I also recently reorganized the walk-in cooler because of problematic stocking with items being placed on the same shelf or below raw proteins. I also simply put all the like products together such as cheeses or fruits that were scattered amongst several shelves. With recent overordering I cannot keep up with the organization of the walk in cooler. The pattern recognition of food types and even simple shapes appears to be lost on the Bikini Bottom crew. My daily reorganization of containers is proof of this. Most days I’ll take a few minutes to put all cylinders together, all cambros together in descending volume, all deep and shallow pans next to each other rather than intermixed. My decision to be a kitchen manager at age 19 from 2005 thru 2008 and rarely enter restaurant management since is very calculated.
With my prior knowledge of professional kitchens I was becoming Bikini Bottom’s resident nag to coworkers as I made note of health department violations on a daily basis. I stopped after being largely ignored for two weeks. My regular health department nags include; a battle with jackets and hats being placed only in the designated area (a designated area that did not exist until I created a place for personal items a in January by neatly organizing the dry storage area again), waiting until prepped items are cooled before a cover is placed on top, placement of raw seafood, open containers (very often sugar, flour, and pancake mix bags ripped open and left), and dirty dishes/containers placed back in rotation. The dirty dishes and containers in rotation with the clean ones are at an atrociously high number. I have given up on making the 4th fryer seafood allergy safe too. With the low volume of seafood allergy safe items Bikini Bottom should purchase smaller baskets to visually discourage cross contamination with the other fryers and baskets. My skills to organize the kitchen do not end with simply where to store products to meet minimal health department standards.
Half of the space in the Bikini Bottom kitchen is completely wasted on an ill-advised walkway to the dishpit. An intelligent design would place a second doorway directly to the dishpit connected to the bar or where the bathrooms reside. Numerous times during the opening week of KK Bikini Bottom I said, yelled, sang, and muttered that we have too many food items for the amount of space we have. Icus stated that there was more space than Bluffington. Is Bluffington intelligently designed? Because Bikini Bottom most certainly isn’t. So Bikini Bottom actually has less space even if there is more square footage. See the attached diagram for an intelligent design that could potentially house a menu of this size. Bikini Bottom forces a line design on this kitchen when an open concept is needed for this menu. It’s as if this floorplan was created by a person who had only ever seen one commercial kitchen previously and couldn’t think 4th dimensionally to understand the needs of the workers to smoothly serve customers.
There is not enough counter space for pizzas without getting off the line, the microwave is placed completely out of the way, the freezer’s curved design is a waste of potential counter space and a falling hazard for containers stored on top of it, the toaster is an overcomplicated and overexpensive piece of machinery that serves exactly one purpose when a flat top could be used to toast bread and other purposes like a quesadilla special, sautee was designed without an overhang for spices, the pantry station lacks the counter space to have two containers of flour and two containers of batter for seafood allergies, there are no Frialator fryers which I have worked with at every single kitchen job previously instead we got the cheap Vulcan model (is that logical), the cheap low boy in pantry that doesn’t drain excess water anywhere it’s just supposed to evaporate somehow but doesn’t, the grill and fryer should be placed next to each other (with a higher volume of crossover than other stations), the floors are flat instead on having a mild decline towards the drains (just look at the standing water residing behind the oven right now), in the dishpit the spraying area and the filled sinks are backwards of a logical dipshit, the ramp to the back door is on the wrong side, there is no refrigerated place downstairs to stage extra food for busy shifts (the beer cooler is once again used for such food items because of this massive oversight), the prep station is an afterthought and miniscule, the dishes on the line are difficult to grab for anyone under 5’11” and inaccessible for anyone under 5’6” (instead of putting them underneath tables that also give that desperately needed counterspace I spoke of), there is not enough space to store to-go containers or boats behind the line, expo is lacking a low boy for the numerous items that are supposed to be cold but are instead kept at room temperature all day long, no one in management thought about buying shelves until right before Bikini Bottom opened as a result the clean full sheets sat on the floor for days, we had only the exact amount of 1⁄6 pans for an absurd amount of time making it impossible to rotate and clean them when necessary (which is daily), we still struggle with 1/9 pan supply. And just when I thought I documented all the poor design choices possible I stumbled upon a person whose office holiday party was booked at KK Bikini Bottom. The deck space works just fine as a deck. It does not double well as a gathering space. The space is too long and narrow for parties, it promotes little splitoff groups rather than a coming together of a larger gathering. It may be advantageous to contact a social psychologist for help designing a private party space that promotes intermingling rather than enforcing small pockets to form. The reorganization of the physical kitchen isn’t all that screams for an overhaul.
There are six positions on the line at the Krusty Krab; expo, oven, grill, sautee, fryer, and pantry. But the pantry and fryer positions are forced together like a bad remix. Everyone who mainly works pantry deserves a $6 raise immediately because it is a station and a half. Both Icus and Krumm, while kitchen manager, kind of acknowledged the pantry is too big for one station without outright mentioning the lopsided distribution of work. I imagine in the only location where this works, Bluffington, a second person joins the pantry at noon because of the unreasonable amount of items one person is tasked with. Bikini Bottom only has one person in this position at all times, maybe modify it for one person? The excess of items on the pantry position largely resembles a position I would call “set-up” or “build” at a previous job that made sensible choices. This build position should have tostadas, tacos, butcher’s blocks, toast, salads, lettuce wrap set ups, and preparing plating for whichever station is most bogged down. I have absolutely lost my mind yelling about salads at least once a month, ranting that they do not belong on the fryer position because of how illogical it is that five salads are included on the mountain of other items the pantry has. I have always considered working in a kitchen a kind of dance, and the pantry station demands an unnecessarily convoluted dance to keep up with the demand. Without the salads, tostadas, and tacos the station is already the busiest. Do we really need to combine ballet and swing by including these extra awkward dance steps in this single station? For a kitchen designed this poorly I suppose it is. Again, see attached document for an intelligently designed kitchen that might be able to accommodate this menu. Unless Bikini Bottom is going to close for a month to fix the baffling floor plan design the menu is shouting to be reduced to 30-36 items.
The menu is too big. Krusty Krab is the jack of all foods, master of none. In general I believe individual locations should be allowed 18% omissions, and 18% unique items to this wildly unwieldy menu sitting around 50 food items including sides. The insistence on keeping menu items that don’t sell at Bikini Bottom because of Bluffington is mind boggling. Chicken tenders do not sell at Bikini Bottom. fried sushi does not sell at Bikini Bottom, not enough to justify their place on the line. I don’t care how well these items work in Bluffinton. They. Do. Not. Work. At. Bikini. Bottom. If the KK location in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean sells an incredible amount of live krill does that mean Bikini Bottom and O-Town must sell live krill too? Take the fried sushi off the menu. I had a complete meltdown about this during a Dimmadome service and my valid point was met with indifference. Replace the kid’s tenders with a kid’s fish sticks. We already have the tilapia fish sticks on the line for tacos. Or make the kid’s fish sticks cod. We cut cod to order for fish tacos in spite of health code violations because it is too rare of an order to make beforehand. Saffron in mashed potatoes? If you must. Why are green tomatoes only on the menu during lunch? Bikini Bottom throws away a sizable amount of spoiled green tomatoes each week. Have green tomatoes on the menu all day long or don’t have them at all. The smoked salmon could go on salads or a special taco to justify its place on the line. The corn pico’s place on the line is unjustified. It only goes on one item, tostadas, which are not particularly popular. If we had a taco salad we could throw the corn pico on there. We also have unreasonable waste from unusable taco shells, smash up those imperfect taco shells and throw them on said taco salad. But before we add salads, let's get rid of the pear and kale salads. The pears' position on the line are unjustified, if we threw them on a taco variation maybe their place on the Bikini Bottom line could be argued but for now they only go on a salad that isn’t particularly popular. The kale salad is an issue of space for a 4th green for salads is too much. The krusty salad is my most hated house salad of all time. And it comes down to the toast with goat cheese. This ancillary step of spreading goat cheese on a cracker is an unnecessary step for an overly complicated dance and should be part of the expo dance if expo wasn’t a shoddily designed afterthought lacking a low boy.
There are a plethora of squeeze bottles on the pantry station that have no place on the overloaded station. They belong to an expo station with a low boy to keep them cold. Pantry has an overwhelming ten squeeze bottles: chipotle crema, sweet chili vinaigrette, buffalo, korean bbq, ranch, caesar, wine vinaigrette, lemon vinaigrette, honey mustard, and lemon aioli. Only the first four are justified on an intelligently designed fryer section, the second four belong on the build station, the last two have no place anywhere but expo. With this extra space sautee could keep their bottles and two purees cold in the fryer's lowboy instead of leaving them at room temperature all day inviting a pathogen party. This theorized intelligently designed expo would have room to keep these four squeeze bottles and a double of every sauce chilled to pour them into ramekins, a move that is highly common in the expo dance. The fact that expo doesn’t have a double of all squeeze bottles is foolish. Expo has to bother an overloaded station to pour these side sauces instead.
How many gallons of basil aioli has Bikini Bottom thrown away in 11 months? Four aiolis in general is way too many and most go on a single item; basil aioli on the incredibly unpopular veggie burger, lemon aioli for calamari, sweet chili aioli for the BLT that is only served half of the day, and garlic aioli actually goes on two items…I believe. What a colossal waste of precious little space, lose two aiolis and then you can sing the logical song with me. Perhaps we can put garlic aioli and sweet chili vinaigrette on the BLT separately and accomplish the exact same thing the sweet chili aioli does. The wings too have unneeded complications. Having worked at a sports bar specializing in wings for the better part of a decade I find KK’s plating of wings to be overly pretentious. The carrots, celery, and blue cheese have lost function. Heffer Wolf always said no one eats the carrot/celery julienne with blue cheese. It’s a complete waste of all the ingredients because you’ve gone too far with the presentation. Wings aren’t fancy. Wings are supposed to have a small pool of sauce and be sloppy. It’s like a sloppy joe that’s not sloppy, an unsloppy joe is a failure to sloppy joes just as the KK presentation of wings is a disparagement to the dish. Ever since training week back in 2022 I have used a scale to give Bikini Bottom a passing or failing grade.
Chokey Chicken to Chum Bucket is the scale I use to judge efficiency and sanity at Bikini Bottom. Both establishments are upscale casual dining experiences in Capitol City in the same vein as KK. Chokey had high employee retention and relatively smooth openings for new locations. Chum Bucket’s employee turnover was high and every location opening was chaotic. Which one sounds closer to KK? Chokey Chicken was filled with chefs I respect including Chef Ren Hoek who remains a close friend to this day. Ren lost his lifelong passion for kitchen work after working management at Chum Bucket. He’s actually seeking work in Bikini Bottom. Call him up at [phone number], but KK will give him Nam’ flashbacks of why he chose driving for a living rather than cooking for five years. The pair of us together helming Bikini Bottom with the ability to omit and create 18% of the overloaded menu can bring success to this franchise. We have worked well numerous times in the past on various concepts in the past including creating The Attack of the Pickled Tomatoes Burger for [Promotional live performance of a TV show] at the Capitol City Theater. We served 100 people in 60 at the [sitcom filming] lunch. That’s physically impossible but somehow we did it quite a few times.
A fun anecdote about Ren Hoek’s KK experience from the soft launch; on training week numerous times I brought concerns about being seafood allergy safe that were dismissed. As mentioned earlier the pantry station lacks the counter space to have two containers of flour and two containers of batter, one each of which seafood never touches. Before the soft launch Chef Stimpy from Bluffington insisted all customers just kind of know everything is prone to be seafood contaminated. Well, chef Ren was a customer that night and this absolutely was not communicated to customers. He claimed to have a slight seafood allergy and was not informed of what the crab soup was. In reality he does not have a seafood allergy. I didn’t discuss the seafood issue with Ren, separately we noticed egregious violations of food safety standards and we each responded in our own way. The soft launch service was so awful that night Chef Ren walked out of a free meal to pay for some ramen, never to return to Bikini Bottom. I attribute this oversight, and many of Bikini Bottom’s (and probably O-Town’s) problems to hubris over the Bluffington location.
Chef Chokey would also be hesitant to join the KK team. It will cost a finder’s fee just for me to reveal Chef Chokey’s name. Chef Chokey was a lead in the rapid expansion of Chokey Chicken restaurants. He opened numerous restaurants and was big on the philosophy that each restaurant must have its own personality in order to fit the unique local culture and the variety of working spaces. This is in direct conflict with the KK way that everything must be exactly like the Bluffington location no matter what. There was only one Chokey Chicken location that had the full menu, Chokey Springfield. Chokey Springfield had a large space which was intelligently designed to accommodate such a large menu. The KK menu is all over the place, closing in on 50 menu items which comes up as a failure on the Chokey Chicken/Chum Bucket scale. This is not the only area KK comes up as a major failure on the Chokey Chicken/Chum Bucket scale.
Has anyone in this company ever worked festival traffic before? Does anyone have the experience of working next to a major venue with 8000 seats before this one? The way Bikini Bottom handles Dimmadome services it certainly appears that the decision-makers fall on the wrong side of the Dunning-Kruger effect. Having all 50 items available during such massive traffic is completely asinine. An unwillingness to serve a partial menu is hindering the Bikini Bottom kitchen staff. I have worked festival traffic before, and Dimmadome events bring in festival traffic. I’ve worked inside a festival whose line never ended but every customer got their order in 5 minutes or less because the line kept flowing with only four items on the menu as that’s what was warranted at the B-Sharps Music Festival. I refuse to be set up for failure the way Bikini Bottom sets up Dimmadome services for failure. The entire week of concerts in [summer] 2022 I was set up for failure every day (it was after this I modified my availability to keep my sanity and my paycheck). When I brought my concerns about running efficiently during Dimmadome services I was labeled a B-worker for the first time in my employment history by Icus and Krabs. It is that moment which I was either going to holler at them both for being 2-dimensional thinkers who were obviously unqualified for the positions they accepted in this company, or just put my head down. If Bikini Bottom has a successful concert day service, hail your team because they snatched victory from the jaws of defeat. They swam with concrete shoes. I often wonder how many customers had bad experiences and never returned after concert days. A Dimmadome service should have no more than 25 items and have one or two specials to divert traffic towards an area the kitchen can keep moving. An Open Cup Open Plate (OCOP) special for foot traffic is absolutely needed. When I suggested OCOP special, Heffer was intrigued by this idea and immediately named burgers as the special to keep foot traffic flowing. Smithers wouldn’t hear this idea, babbling on about what’s advertised instead of hearing out a sound idea. This prattle despite radio commercials having inaccurate hours and social media promoting Bikini Bottom’s steak tacos to this day. I always found Smithers to be a better fit as a middle management office pencil pusher than as a hands-on restaurant manager. Overall I find KK managers are selected to be automatons not to question their orders rather than critical thinkers who could take the restaurant to the next level. During brunch service is another period of time that must be modified to lessen the heft of items. Having a full menu that barely works plus brunch is so deep into Chum Bucket territory, in my opinion we now have to use the Tropic Thunder scale of full retard to describe a 60-plus-item brunch. Chef Ren hired back a Chum Bucket cook who had a mental breakdown and stormed out during brunch (plus full menu) service because Ren knew the employee was justified and upper management was completely unreasonable in their brunch requests. It’s not just questionable decisions that hinder KK staff but improper equipment as well.
This is the first restaurant I have worked at which uses a touch screen on the line rather than tickets. From day one I found this to be technology for technology’s sake inferior to tickets. Chef Ren forced a new Chum Bucket location to rip out touch screens from the line and bring in ticket printers because of the higher efficiency. The touch screen is a great idea for expo, not the entire line. My biggest gripe is that each station does not get all the information. Early on I was regularly yelled at for not staggering my items, well I can’t see the rest of the order; a problem I have never had with a ticket system. Touchscreen software is also much more prone to errors and glitches. When I reported an error during a heavy service Icus and Krabs blamed my skills on the line without looking into the malfunctioning screen further. It was glitchy for weeks before the two finally investigated and corrected the issue I brought to their attention long before. Those two gave me an immense amount of ammunition to dislike them in the opening weeks until I stopped caring. The issue I had with being unable to scroll beyond the bottom of a completely filled screen has returned and is still there as of [my last day]. There are also important details that get buried. A frequent meltdown I have is that sauce on side requests and other important modifications are not capitalized or in red to catch the eye as they have been at jobs with tickets. These details get lost on Bikini Bottom’s touchscreens. A sauce on side salad made by me will be wrong 50% of the time because of the instructions being camouflaged in a word salad. This goes for coleslaw on the side and drizzle on the side too. Drizzle in general I dislike because of the pretentiousness, but whatever, drizzle it on top rather than putting it in a ramekin if you must. There are numerous places where Bikini Bottom overcomplicates matters for reasons I cannot ascertain.
Why is there such a large variety of plates? Why do we have a medium circular plate for salads and a large bowl for salads with protein? This just confuses the simplest of matters. I was told this is done because of the high price hike with protein, a larger presentation was desired. But that price hike is the price of protein in 2023. Bikini Bottom should put all salads in the large bowls and use all the circular salad plates in a skeet shooting promotion. I understand why we have both a circular platter plate and a pizza plate but in my restaurant the circular platter plates must go...or maybe the large platter plate instead. Is the large platter used for anything besides fish and chips? That extra space on fish and chips plates are only used for side sauces which can easily be delivered to customers on small circular plates. What is the medium oval plate doing that the medium rectangular plate isn’t? And vice versa. Why do they both exist when they are approximately the same size? Let me write an internet commercial where we break a lot of plates so we can get some logical use out of the superfluous plates. I don’t care which one is destroyed, the ovals or the rectangles but one of them is an unnecessary redundancy in excess done again. Speaking of commercials, the unimaginative radio advertisements for Bikini Bottom are doing little to lure new customers to the restaurant.
The three radio spots I have heard on KBBL all sound like they were produced by a marketing 101 student who wasn’t a natural in the field. The voiceover actor was so uncharismatic I was certain someone from the office was chosen at random to read the copy. Then I heard that same voiceover actor selling pool supplies on another radio station so I concluded that Bikini Bottom must have hired the cheapest guy in town to produce the most basic of commercials. Perhaps there is someone else you could hire more qualified to voiceover these commercials, an actor with experience on an Emmy award winning cable program whose unique place in the film industry was written about on [website] would be a much wiser choice to be the voice of the KK? (See external link). In the ad there was no catchphrase, no jingle, no music whatsoever. This simple approach to commercials lacks the pizazz to catch the attention of radio listeners. The first two commercials I heard would get a C in marketing 101 as they were nearly the exact same and accomplished the bare minimum to sell wares, the third one would maybe get a B- because there was some sort of attempted gimmick with the voiceover whispering to represent thinking inside his head about what he was going to eat later at KK. Not only does this commercial give no reason for the man to think inside his head, the outside world still and unpopulated. To see what a creative person would do with this concept see the attached script. There is an attempted slogan that could become part of an ad campaign. Commercials aren’t the only lost opportunities in promotions.
There are numerous promotional celebrity tie-ins at Bikini Bottom’s fingertips with Dimmadome performers. The restaurant could have a Phish sandwich as a OCOP special on [Phish performance dates], or a pretentious Jelly Roll on [Jelly Roll performance date]. Has anyone reached out to the Dimmadome theater or talent management for approved special menu items to be promoted inside the dome? Perhaps a special 20% discount to ticket holders? Is Bikini Bottom capable of getting permits to extend Open Container hours beyond [cutoff time] for an afterparty or block party throughout a Dimmadome concert? I see additional marketing opportunities left on the table for all new locations.
I believe new KK locations are missing out on a marketing campaign by opening with the entire cumbersome 50 item menu. This is a staggering amount of menu items which is too much to ask new staffers to perfect all at once. After a few months expanding the menu by approximately ten items is catching to customers who haven’t returned after a single visit or infrequently stop into KK. There are ten new food items that might appeal to them. Just like it appears KK doesn’t know what it’s looking for in a good commercial spot, this company doesn’t appear to recognize a talented from an untalented worker until it’s too late.
It is my understanding that KK had a headhunter to find Icus, the first Bikini Bottom kitchen manager. If it were up to me I’d hire someone to break the legs of that headhunter for bringing in a subpar kitchen lead. We are still attempting to recover from the lousy choices she made in the floor plan. If anybody responsible for Bikini Bottom’s floor plan is still giving input, stop them immediately. Once the doors were open to the public Icus had his head in the clouds to a point where I questioned if he saw the writing on the walls of an imminent demotion and stopped trying as a result. I had a full deck of 3x5 cards in an archaic powerpoint presentation bringing numerous concerns to light that he kept putting off listening to until he was fired. Those same cards were broken out for this essay. The second kitchen manager, Krumm, is a good lesson in honesty. According to Heffer, Krumm was given a bill of goods about how smoothly KK Bikini Bottom was running. Since Krumm stepped into a latrine pit which he was led to believe was a heated pool, he left in short time. Krumm also had plans to modify the menu but when his bosses told him to be a rodeo clown rather than a cowboy Krumm didn’t take too kindly to that. Meanwhile Heffer was the savior of the Bikini Bottom kitchen. I didn’t agree with every single decision he made, but I did with a majority of them. Heffer’s overhaul was such a blessing so I didn’t have to fiddle with the organization of 60% of the equipment anymore, only about 20% now. Too bad Heffer’s crippling depression came back after bashing his head into the wall out of frustration with the shackles KK restrained him with.
The current management team is enthusiastic but inexperienced. I see an accumulation of small infractions that might bring down Bikini Bottom’s health department rating significantly. I see the entire management team being inattentive or unaware about organizational issues. Whatever bureaucratic nonsense corporate tasks everyone with from the original sous chef Skeeter to Patty Mayonnaise that makes them walk away from the line between 11am and 1pm especially is infuriating. I have never been left alone on a multi-person line during peak hours so regularly, and I won’t tolerate it anymore. As much as I believe in his drive, I imagine our current kitchen manager SpongeBob will be let go after a disastrous service during the Dimmadome concert season that someone has to take the fall for. Chef Ren and I could help bring experience in management and dealing with festival traffic...if corporate does not force us to follow a failing strategy.
After working nearly a year at KK you may ask why I’m not proficient on more than one station. Excellent question. First, when I move over to another station the squeeze bottles are never labeled (until Stu Pickles was hired, now they’re sometimes labeled), so I always looked at the glut of unlabeled sauces and I’d go back to my station because the basic information is missing (also a health department violation for having numerous unlabeled, unchilled bottles). In his first week the new general manager Stu Pickles pulled out 90% of the containers under the grill station because they were lacking labels despite an expected health department visit. The second reason for my menu ignorance is the mountain of prep for my own and upcoming shifts I have piled up on my station throughout service. My attention to detail appears to be next level with my ability to anticipate stocking all items for all shifts including the weeknd. The third reason I wouldn’t learn multiple stations is a defense against the afternoon conference calls. In [month] the Bikini Bottom line was unprepared for a busy post lunch because one cook was cut and our expo person was busy with a conference call. The two of us remaining on the line had a miserable slog through an unexpectedly busy afternoon. When I brought this up to Krabs he disregarded me, being a good bean counter he quoted the cost percentage. What he didn’t take into account was the missing expo person who could have jumped on the line and expo to help the understaffed two man team. That person was stuck on a conference call. Just recently I saw the company actively lose money because of this poorly thought-out meeting during business hours. A customer wanted to order a dessert that was 86ed but had been restocked by our prep cook an hour before. The server was unable to sell them their dessert because the only person in the building who could help un-86 an item was on a conference call. This conference call calamity is another bone-headed choice that speaks to a larger decision-making problem within the corporate structure. Finish the conference calls by 10:45 am eastern.
In conclusion, I quit my position as a lowly grunt for this company because of its unwarranted perplexing dance steps and below average management. I don’t care how much varnish and lacquer is supplied, I refuse to polish this Bikini Bottom turd as a manager or full-time employee under the current circumstances. You would have to take a pickaxe to the floor, possibly relocate the bathrooms to add a door to the dishpit, get rid of the cheap low boy that doesn’t properly drain excess water, and Mr Gorbachov knock down that wall in the middle of the kitchen to give the proper amount of space to work. Or simply reduce the menu to 36 items (including sides) because that’s the amount of space this dreadful design can comfortably output. Would Gordon Ramsay compliment KK for all the unnecessary convoluted complications abound, or would Chef Ramsay yell about keeping it simple and demand KK chuck it in the flip? Thanks to the numerous pop up restaurants I have been a part of and the hectic world of trade shows/conventions, I may have more experience than anyone else employed by KK in smoothly opening a new location. I would enjoy being part of the opening team to ensure new locations have an efficiency Bikini Bottom lacks, and to keep upper management away from their worst instincts. Work with me and Chef Ren and we will help you become a well oiled machine like Chokey Chicken instead of the Chum Bucket cesspit Bikini Bottom currently embodies.

Introduction

In today's world, keeping your iPhone secure and protecting your online privacy has never been more crucial. With the constant rise of cyber threats and surveillance, using a VPN (Virtual Private Network) is now a necessity. In this post, I'll dive into the best VPN services for iPhone as of June 2023, offering you a reliable shield to safeguard both your device and online activities. Let's explore these top VPN options to help you stay protected in the digital realm.

Reasons to Use a VPN for iPhone

There are several compelling reasons why using a VPN on your iPhone is crucial. Firstly, a VPN encrypts your internet traffic, ensuring that your sensitive information remains secure from potential hackers and eavesdroppers. Secondly, it allows you to bypass geo-restrictions, granting you access to region-locked content and streaming platforms from anywhere in the world. Lastly, a VPN masks your IP address, providing you with anonymity and preventing websites from tracking your online activities.

Choosing a VPN - Key Factors to Consider

When selecting a VPN for your iPhone, there are several key factors to consider:

• Robust Security Features: Ensure that the VPN service offers strong encryption protocols such as AES-256, which is considered military-grade encryption. This ensures that your data remains encrypted and protected from potential threats.
• Strict No-Logs Policy: Choose a VPN provider that has a strict no-logs policy. This means that they do not keep records of your online activities, ensuring your privacy and anonymity.
• Server Network and Locations: The more servers available, the better your chances of finding a fast and reliable connection. A diverse server network also allows you to bypass geo-restrictions and access content from different regions.
• Compatibility with iOS: Check if the VPN service has a dedicated app compatible with iOS devices. It should be optimized for iPhone, ensuring a seamless user experience and easy configuration.
• User-Friendly Interface: Look for a VPN app that has a user-friendly interface and intuitive navigation. This makes it easier to connect to VPN servers, switch between locations, and customize your settings.

Top VPN Services for iPhone

ClearVPN 2
ClearVPN 2 stands out as a reliable and user-friendly VPN service dedicated to safeguarding your online privacy. Here's a concise overview of its key strengths and considerations:

Pros	Cons
Robust security: Utilizes AES-256-bit encryption protocols to ensure data protection.	Limited free version: The free version offers limited server options and data usage.
Global server network: Access content from different virtual locations with ease.	Higher pricing compared to competitors: Some plans may be slightly expensive
Easy-to-use interface: Connect to a VPN server effortlessly with its intuitive interface.
Positive user reviews on Trustpilot: High user satisfaction rating (4.6) reflects its reliability

ClearVPN 2 makes connecting to a VPN effortless for everyone, regardless of their technical skills. Its user-friendly interface has been designed with simplicity in mind, ensuring a seamless experience for all users. ClearVPN truly cares about delivering a hassle-free journey, and this is reflected in its intuitive design that puts user convenience at the forefront.
The positive user reviews on Trustpilot paint a vivid picture of ClearVPN's effectiveness and reliability. With an impressive average rating of 4.6 stars, users have showered ClearVPN with praise for its consistent performance, fast speeds, and responsive customer support. These glowing reviews speak volumes about ClearVPN's unwavering commitment to providing exceptional value and outstanding service to its users.

Pricing	Starts at $4.99/month
Number of Servers	70+ servers
Encryption	AES-256-bit
Compatibility	iOS, Android, macOS, Windows
No-Logs Policy	Yes
Trustpilot Rating	4.6 / 5 (based on 824 reviews)

Nord VPN
NordVPN is a trusted and feature-rich VPN service that prioritizes user privacy and security. Here's a concise overview of its key strengths and considerations, supported by evidence.

Pros	Cons
Advanced security features: Utilizes military-grade AES-256-bit encryption and offers additional features like Double VPN and CyberSec.	Limited free version: The free version offers limited server options and data usage.
Vast server network: Access over 5,500 servers in more than 60 countries, ensuring a wide range of virtual locations.	Occasional connection speed fluctuations: Some users have reported occasional speed issues.
Limited support for certain devices: Some less popular platforms may have limited support.
Positive industry reputation: Highly regarded and recognized by industry experts for its reliability and security measures.

NordVPN is loved by users for its user-friendly interface that makes it a breeze to navigate and connect to the VPN. People of all technical backgrounds find it easy to use and appreciate how effectively it secures their online activities.
You can trust NordVPN because it has gained recognition and praise from industry experts and respected publications, solidifying its position as a top VPN provider. Its commitment to reliability and security is backed by awards and accolades. With advanced features like military-grade encryption and additional tools such as Double VPN and CyberSec, NordVPN has earned a reputation for keeping users safe and secure online.

Pricing	Starts at $12,99/month
Number of Servers	5500+ servers
Encryption	AES-256-bit
Compatibility	Windows, macOS, Linux, iOS, Android, etc
No-Logs Policy	Yes
Trustpilot Rating	4.4 / 5 (based on 25,540 reviews)

​
Surfshark
Surfshark is a reputable and feature-rich VPN service that places a strong emphasis on user privacy and security. Let's take a brief look at its key strengths and considerations:

Pros	Cons
Advanced security features: It uses industry-leading AES-256-GCM encryption and includes features such as CleanWeb and MultiHop.	Limited device compatibility: Although it supports most devices, there could be compatibility issues with certain less common platforms.
Unlimited device connections: Unlike many other VPN services, Surfshark does not limit the number of devices you can connect simultaneously.	Customer support: While Surfshark offers 24/7 support, some users have reported slower response times.
Wide server network: Access to over 3200 servers in more than 65 countries, providing a broad range of virtual locations.	Speed inconsistency: Some users have reported inconsistent connection speeds across different servers.
NoBorders mode: This feature allows Surfshark to be used in regions with restricted internet access

Surfshark is cherished by its users for its intuitive interface that makes navigating and connecting to the VPN an effortless task. Its simplicity is welcoming to individuals across all tech proficiency levels, and users commend how effectively it safeguards their digital activities.
Surfshark dedication to reliability and security is reinforced by awards and accolades from the tech community. Offering features like industry-standard AES-256-GCM encryption and additional utilities such as CleanWeb and MultiHop, Surfshark has built a reputation for assuring its users remain safe and protected online.

Pricing	Starts at $12,95/month
Number of Servers	3200+ servers
Encryption	AES-256-bit
Compatibility	Windows, macOS, Linux, iOS, Android, etc
No-Logs Policy	Yes
Trustpilot Rating	4.5 / 5 (based on 19,292 reviews)

In this digital age, your iPhone holds a wealth of personal data. Protecting it with a VPN isn't just an option but a necessity. ClearVPN 2, NordVPN, and Surfshark offer great solutions, each with its unique strengths. Your choice depends on your specific needs, whether that's top-notch security, expansive server networks, or user-friendly interfaces. Remember, your online safety is paramount, so investing in a reliable VPN is a vital step in securing your digital life. Keep protected, folks.
​
Affiliate link: macpaw.audw.net/LXDo03

About Amber Heard

Have you HEARD about her? [External: Twitter]
Who is Amber Heard? [External: amberheard.info]
All of Amber Heard's Projects and Where to Watch & Support Them.
Amber Heard in the book 200 Women Who Will Change the Way You See the World, 2017.
Amber Heard Can Be Quite Inspiring, When Seen As a Human Being.
Amber Heard reads the letter of Chanel Miller in 2016 and presents her with the Glamour Woman of the Year award.
Amber Heard’s Grace and Class.
Amber Heard's Settlement Full Instagram Post.
Books Amber has been seen reading.
Subreddit dedicated to Amber Heard.
Twitter Thread of Threads About Amber Heard. [External: Twitter]
Some of Amber Heard's Activism. [External: Twitter]
Why Amber Heard Said She Was "So Wrong, Just So Fucking Wrong".
Sadness over the acting career Amber has missed and is currently missing out on.
Despite everything she's going through, Amber's still managing grace.
Action plan to make sure this doesn't happen again.
A Holiday Gift for Amber Heard.
Bernardo Triana did a live video talking about his experience with Amber.
Man (Krishna Patel) defends Amber Heard, attests to her kindness.
How Amber Heard looks in real life. [External: Twitter]
Just a thread of Amber Heard being unbelievably cute. [External: Twitter]

The Case for Amber Heard

Why We Believe Amber Heard: Part 1 and Part 2.
Why You Should Believe Amber Heard.
Why I Believe Amber Heard.
Dr. Bonnie Jacobs' Notes (2011-2014).
Dr. Bonnie Jacobs' Notes (Unsealed) (2011-2019).
A Video Summary of Dr. Bonnie Jacobs' Unsealed Notes by Medusone.
Medusone's Neutral Breakdown of the Entire Relationship Timeline With Receipts.
A complete timeline of the Johnny Depp and Amber Heard relationship and abuse allegations from both sides. [External: Twitter]
The Jurors' Reasoning for Why They Ruled For Depp is Deeply Flawed. [Twitter version here]
Amber Heard's Testimony In Virginia: Part 1 & Part 2.
Evidence for May 21, 2016, the night that Amber Heard left Johnny Depp for good. [External: Twitter]
Amber Heard's Interrogatory Statements.
Depp v Heard: How is this defamation? - A post-separation timeline with sources. [External: Fauxmoi].
Intimate Terrorism, DARVO, and Violent Resistance: Part 1 (2011-2013) & Part 2 (2014).
Amber Heard's violence against Johnny Depp was a reaction to years of being subjected to physical, sexual, psychological, and emotional abuse from him. [External: Twitter]
Amber Heard only hit Johnny Depp in self defence. [External: Twitter]
Witnesses to Johnny Depp's Violent Behavior, Abuse of Amber Heard, and the After Effects. [External: Twitter]
Revisiting Stephen Deuters' texts and the time Depp infamously kicked Amber on a plane.
List of Receipts.
Paige Heard saw timely photographs of bruises and texts about Johnny Depp's actions from Amber Heard.
About the Nose Amber Said She Thought Was Broken.
All the times you can see the cuts that Johnny Depp gave Amber Heard in Australia.
The Gold-Digger Files: Johnny Depp, Amber Heard, Michele Mulrooney and the Post-Nup Negotiations.
Johnny Depp strangled Amber Heard on her honeymoon.
Johnny Depp fans were noticing bruises on Amber Heard as early as 2013.
Johnny Depp admitted Amber Heard's photographs were consistent with being headbutted.
Dr. Amy Banks, a world-renowned relationships psychiatrist, believes Amber Heard.
Nurse Lisa Beane on being told by Dr. Kipper that Depp injured Amber Heard.
The context to the "I hit you" audio that Johnny Depp edited out of his leaked audios.
Does This Look Like a Woman "Obsessed" With Johnny Depp?
This Backstage Photo of Amber Heard on James Corden's 'The Late Late Show' in December 16, 2015.
Was Amber Heard really that unbelievable as a sexual assault victim.

The Case Against Depp

A Look At The Inconsistent And Conspiratorial Nature Of Those Who Support Johnny Depp.
Some of the Many Problems With Depp's "Hoax Theory." [A Comment]
More Problems With the "Hoax Theory."
Full text conversation between Marilyn Manson and Johnny Depp discussing Amber and ERW.
How himpathy plays a role in the Depp-Heard case.
Let's talk about how Johnny terrorized Amber with coercive control.
Let's Talk About Johnny Depp's Financial Abuse of Amber Heard.
More of Johnny Depp's Financial Abuse of Amber Heard: The Mustang Repair Costs.
Depp & Love Bombing: A Deep Dive into Magazines, Interviews, Texts, and More about Depp’s Relationship Cycles.
Frequent property destruction is abusive and part of domestic violence.
Johnny Depp Acknowledging That the Allegations Would Ruin Amber Heard's Career NOT his.
A List of All the Evidence Showing that Johnny Depp Injured That Finger. [A Comment]
The Sexual Objectification & Dehumanization of Amber Heard. [External: Twitter]
The Truth About the Poop Incident. [External: Twitter]
More Truth About the Poop Incident. [External: Twitter]
Even More Truth About the Poop Incident. [External: Twitter]
The Case of the Witnesses Who Testified in the UK Trial but Were Rather Conveniently Missing From the Virginia Trial: 1. Hilda Vargas; 2. Trinity Esparza;
I struggle to think of a single accusation from Johnny Depp that wasn't projection.
The Australia Dogs Case.
Johnny Depp's violence against co-workers; More of Johnny Depp's violence against co-workers; Even more of Johnny Depp's violence against co-workers.
Johnny Depp's narcissism.
Amber Heard was being hated from the start for being a “homewrecker”.
Johnny Depp's Fading Star Power in Charts.

Johnny Depp's Lies

(Some of) The lies of Johnny Depp: A Compilation.
More of the Lies of Johnny Depp: A Thread. [External: Twitter]
Johnny Depp's Lies in the UK Trial. [External: Twitter]
Some of Johnny Depp's Glaring Inconsistencies that His Supporters Overlook Or Excuse.
In response to "how can you believe her lies??". [External: Fauxmoi/]
The Photoshopped Photo. [External: Twitter]
UK vs. VA Trial - Johnny Depp's Childhood Exposure to Domestic Violence.
Johnny Depp lying about his cast.
Johnny Depp lied that he's never ever - not even in self-defense - struck Amber Heard or any woman.
Johnny Depp Lied That He Wasn't Addicted to Cocaine.
The lie that Amber Heard getting the TRO against Depp in 2016 ended his life. [External: Twitter]
The lie that Amber Heard ruined Johnny Depp's career. [External: Twitter]

Johnny Depp's Witnesses' Lies

The Lies of JD's Witnesses. [External: Twitter]
Kate James: The Sexual Assault Lie [A Comment] and The Spitting Lie. Her Rude Testimony.
Kate James: A Deep Dive. [External: Twitter]
Shannon Curry, Part 1: A Forensic Psychologist With 25+ Years Experience and 500+ Forensic and Psychological Evaluations Compares Shannon Curry's Methods to Dr. Hughes'. [External: YouTube]
Shannon Curry, Part 2: Her Testimony and Her Opinions Before She Met Amber Heard [A Comment].
Shannon Curry, Part 3: Her Praising Emily D. Baker During the Trial (on May 28, 2022). More of Her Unethical Twitter Activities During and After the Trial.
Shannon Curry, Part 4: Curry v. Dr. Hughes, Who Should You Believe? [External: Twitter]
Stephen Deuters. [A Comment]
The Kevin Murphy & Starling Jenkins Testimony Swap.
Starling Jenkins: The Missing Phones.
David Kipper.
Adam Waldman and the 75+ Questions He Refused to Amber.
Adam Waldman and His Shady Putin-Linked Dealings.
Sean Bett.
Isaac Baruch.
Morgan Higby Night.
Morgan Tremaine: His Lie, The Depp Tattoo and His 15 Minutes of Fame.
Debbie Lloyd.
Jennifer Howell: About Her Letter.
Samantha McMillen.
Monroe Tinker (during deposition).

Johnny Depp's Past and Friends

Depp In His Own Words and Those of His Coworkers (1995-2006).
This has always been who he is: a deep dive into magazines, tabloids and blogs regarding Depp’s reputation.
Johnny Depp's legal woes: Arrests and settlements.
Johnny Depp Himself Ruined His Own Career. [A Comment]
Johnny Depp's Unusually Long List of Abusive Friends.
Gregg Ellis. The Restraining Order Against Him.
J. K. Rowling.
Lori Anne Allison & Morgan Higby Night.
Lori Anne Allison.
Johnny Depp’s Bodyguard Jerry Judge Offered Money to Gold Coast Bulletin Reporter in 2016.

Anti-Amber Myths Debunked

List of AH/JD abuse myths debunked: Part 1 & Part 2 [External: Fauxmoi/].
A thread on debunking misinformation about the Depp v. Heard trial and malicious myths about Amber Heard. [External: Twitter]
Another thread debunking myths, lies, and conspiracies about Amber Heard. [External: Twitter]
Amber vs. Johnny: Myths, Misconceptions, and the Failure of Media. [External: YouTube]
The Myth that Amber Heard Murdered Someone in a Car Crash Debunked.
That Amber Leaked the Kitchen Video to TMZ: TMZ has always been in Depp's pockets.
That Amber Leaked the Kitchen Video to TMZ: A Rebuttal and Debunking.
That Amber Leaked the Kitchen Video to TMZ: The Whole TMZ /Copyright Summarised in a Tweet.
Johnny Depp was the One that Leaked the Kitchen Video. [External: Twitter]
That Amber Heard is a "Gold-Digger." [External: Twitter]
That Everyone Believed Amber Heard Before the US, Virginia Trial: A Study & Some Receipts. More Receipts. Even More Receipts. More More Receipts [External: Twitter].
That Amber Shed No Tears On the Stand.
That Amber Purposely Submitted and Lied About the Two Identical Photos that She Submitted.
That Amber Called TMZ When She Went to Court to Get a TRO on May 27, 2016. In addition, Note That TMZ Has Employees Stationed at That Courthouse at All Times.
On the Claim that Amber Heard's Injuries Do Not Matcher Her Testimony.
On the Topic of Amber Heard's Sexual Assault Injuries.
The Pledge-Donation Distraction: A major gifts experienced fundraiser explains that they use "pledge" and "donation" synonymously in the field; Pledge & Donate are used interchangeably by many media sources; Amber Heard was on schedule with her donation payments before Depp sued her. [All External: Twitter]
The "Satanic sex parties" conspiracy theory. [External: Twitter]
The Lies From Paul Barresi.
Do We Believe Amber Heard Just Because She's a Woman?.
On the Viral Lie that Amber Heard Cheered for Domestic Violence. [External: Twitter]
False Sexual Assault Allegations are Extremely Rare: What Studies Show. [External: Twitter]

The Unsealed Documents

The unsealed documents thread (2022). [External: Twitter]
Even more unsealed documents (2023). [External: Twitter]
Johnny Depp attempted to use revenge p*rn against Amber Heard.
Dr. Kipper's Deposition Evidencing the Extent of Johnny Depp's Drug Use and Its Negative Effects.
Johnny Depp Drugged Ellen Barkin With Quaaludes.
Evidence of Johnny Depp's memory problems that was hidden from the trial.
Stephen Deuters' Deposition Showing Him Expressing Belief that Depp Injured That Finger.

The VA Trial: Selected Important Issues

To watch the trial without commentary to maintain objectivity, click this. (External: YouTube]
Summary of Amber Heard's Motion to Set Aside Verdict.
Grounds for Amber Heard’s Appeal.
The Real-Time Effects of the Trial On a Domestic Abuse Survivor.
How Johnny Depp Fans Reacted When the Judge Granted Amber Heard's Request to Keep the Jurors' Identities Sealed for One Year After the Trial.
About that Imposter Juror.
Why Amber Heard was Looking at the Jurors So Often.
Why the Jurors Very Likely Were On Social Media During the Trial.
Proof that at Least One of the Jurors was on Social Media While in Court.
Did the Jurors Pay Attention During the Trial and Look at the Evidence? Not Likely. I mean, Not Likely At All.
Why Dr. Bonnie Jacobs Was Not Called to Testify By Amber Heard's Team.

The UK Trial: Selected Important Issues

The Judgement: Web Page [External: bailii.org] and PDF [External: judiciary.uk].
Dismissal of Johnny Depp's Application to Appeal.
NGN / Dan Wootton closing submissions.
More about NGN / Dan Wootton closing submissions.
Raeden Greer's Summary of the UK Trial Judgement.

Johnny Depp's Anti-Amber PR Campaign: The Evidence

The Company that Johnny Depp Used for His PR.
Assessment of the credibility of Dr. Teresa C. Silva.
The incel hate group of youtubers that spawned anti-Heard content.
Brian McPherson ("Incredibly Average") is Lying and I can Prove it: Part 1 & Part 2.
The Skewed Trial Viewership Stats that Show that Far More People Watched Pro-Depp Clips and Content than Watched All the Trial.
The Power of Social Media in the Spread of Propaganda.

Support For Amber

A list of public figures who support Amber Heard. [External: Fauxmoi]
The Open Letter for Amber Heard.
Whitney Heard.
Constance Wu.
Phoebe Bridgers.
Emily Ratajkowski (aka EmRata).
Julia Fox.
Amy Ziering.
Zara Larsson.
Constance Hall.
Masterlist of youtubers who HAVE supported Amber Heard.
Mega-List of Some Major Pro-Amber Heard Twitter Accounts.
Leftists should have been Amber's biggest supporters.

Those Against Amber

Celebs who liked Johnny Depp's post (updated list). [External: Fauxmoi]
What celebrities and other public figures have said about Depp v Heard (includes few pro-Amber celebs). [External: Fauxmoi]
Celebrities who supported Johnny Depp/mocked Amber Heard. [External: Twitter, Suspended]
Celebrities who have supported Depp / Made fun of Amber Heard. [External: Twitter]
Robyn Rihanna Fenty.
Serena Williams.
The Awful Things That Some of JD's Friends and Celebrity Supporters Have Done.

Those Who Mocked Amber

YouTubers who mocked Amber Heard and her testimony.
TikTokers who Mocked Amber Heard and her testimony: Part 1 & Part 2. [External: Twitter]
Zachary Levi.
Doja Cat.
Melissa Chen.
Raven-Symoné.
Andrea Burkhart.
The Problem with Emily D. Baker.
CodeMiko.

Those Who Changed Their Minds

People Who at First Fell for the Pro-Depp propaganda but Later Changed Their Minds.
Former Depp supporters who changed their minds AFTER the trial.
Not Even Emily (@uhhmmily).
My Grandma Opened my Eyes.

Bullying And Harassment Against Amber and Her Supporters

Death threats towards Amber and Oonagh Heard on Twitter.
The worst artwork/takes I've seen made about Amber Heard, and the global humiliation she had to endure (Major TW: graphic misogyny).
The normalized sexual objectification of Amber Heard by Johnny Depp’s supporters.
The Coloring Book Dedicated to Abusing Amber Heard.
The Game Abusing Amber Heard.
Death threats against Amber Heard in 2020. [External: Twitter]
Those who mocked Amber Heard on Halloween. [External: Twitter]
Megathread documenting the abuse and harassment faced by those who supported Amber Heard.
Thread of some of the abuse and harassment targeting Amber and her supporters . [External: Twitter]
Mélanie Inglessis said that she faced online harassment, received death threats, feared for her safety, and that testifying on behalf of Amber Heard puts her career in jeopardy.
Attacks Against the Signatories of the Open Letter for Amber Heard.
Johnny Depp supporters have started harassing Amber Heard’s ex-girlfriend Bianca Butti who is recovering from breast cancer.
Attacks Against Cara Delevingne.
The Attempted Racist Doxxing of Kamilla.

Past Lawsuits

Depp v. TMG (His Past Financial Managers).
Gregg Rocky Brooks vs. John C. Depp et al: The Case in a Nutshell; Depp's GQ Slip-Up; The Settlement.
Who let the dogs in? A breakdown of the Australia dog smuggling controversy.
About Amber's Insurance Suits.

If you traded with me before, you can chat with me directly. Or else, please comment first, then send me a message or chat, thank you.

Region is NA, Full WISHLIST

My REPs: 200+ successful trades, 0 dispute.

#########################################################

My Wishlist:

Rocket League
Poker night
poker night 2
NBA 2k16
NBA 2k17
Persona 5 Royal
Hell let loose
Crusader kings 3
Spiderman remaster
F1 2020, 2019, 2017, 2016, 2012, 2011
A Hat in Time
monster hunter rise
fight in tight space
phoenix wright
LOOT RIVER
Hell let loose
satisfactory
crusader kings 3
Gotham Knights
Vrising
DOOM Eternal
Deep Rock Galactic
LegionTD 2
Dead by Daylight
quantum break
​
Maybe:
Warhammer 40,000: Space Wolf special edition
slay the spire
Spyro Reignited Trilogy
deep rock galactic
#########################################################

My games for trade:

​

Added recently:

Hell let loose (may keep)
Crusader kings 3 (may keep)
Beneath Oresa
Haiku, the Robot
Rain World
Hollow Knight
Kerbal Space Program
Starbound
Quantum Break
Wizard of Legend
Dragon's Dogma: Dark Arisen
Tainted Grail: Conquest
Dicey Dungeons
Talisman: The complete collection (54 game+dlc)
Back 4 blood (EU)
Dragon Knight (delisted, 18+)
Dragonia (delisted, 18+)
EARTH DEFENSE FORCE 4.1 + 18DLCs (19 game+dlc)
Hell Girls (delisted, 18+)
Ragnarock
Super Star (delisted, 18+)
Source of Madness
​
MAY choice:
Warhammer 40,000: Chaos Gate - Daemonhunters
Behind the Frame: The Finest Scenery
Bendy and the Dark Revival
Builder Simulator
Operation Tango
Spiritfarer®: Farewell Edition
The Invisible Hand
Windjammers 2
​
APRIL choice:
DEATH STRANDING DIRECTOR'S CUT
Aliens: Fireteam Elite
Founders' Fortune
Life is Strange 2 Complete Season (incl. Mascot Bundle DLC)
Monster Prom 2: Monster Camp
Revita
Rollerdrome
The Life and Suffering of Sir Brante
​
MARCH choice:
BIOMUTANT
JURASSIC WORLD EVOLUTION 2
EDGE OF ETERNITY
ROGUE LORDS
HERO'S HOUR
GOLDEN LIGHT
Demon Turf
​

List A: I don't own them yet myself.

A Plague Tale: Innocence
ABZU
Aliens: Fireteam Elite
AMID EVIL
Anuchard
Armello
Astronarch
Beneath Oresa
Big Pharma
BIOMUTANT
Bionic Commando Rearmed
Borderlands 3: Super Deluxe Edition
Boundless
BPM: Bullets Per Minute
Children of Morta: Complete Edition
Construction Simulator (2015) Deluxe Edition
Cultist Simulator
Demon Turf
DEATH STRANDING DIRECTOR'S CUT
DEATHLOOP
Depraved
Desperados III
Destroy All Humans
Dicey Dungeons
Dishonored Definitive Edition
Distant Worlds Universe
Dragon Knight (delisted, 18+)
Dragon's Dogma: Dark Arisen
Dragonia (delisted, 18+)
Dungeons 2 - Complete Edition
Dusk
EARTH DEFENSE FORCE 4.1 + 18DLCs (19 game+dlc, 97% positive rating)
EDGE OF ETERNITY
Encased
ENDLESS Space 2 Digital Deluxe Edition
Euro Truck Simulator 2
Fable Anniversary
Flynn: Son of Crimson
Full Metal Furies
Getting Over It with Bennett Foddy
GOLDEN LIGHT
GRID Ultimate Edition
Hedon Bloodrite
Hell Girls (delisted, 18+)
HERO'S HOUR
How to Sing to Open Your Heart
Injustice 2 Legendary Edition
IRIS and the Giant
Joggernauts
JURASSIC WORLD EVOLUTION 2
Just Cause 4 Complete Edition
Last Oasis
Late Shift
Life is Strange 2 Complete Season (incl. Mascot Bundle DLC)
Lost Planet 3 Complete Pack
Mafia: Definitive Edition
Mega Man Legacy Collection
Metro Exodus
Mini Metro
Mini motor Racing EVO (delisted)
Monster Prom 2: Monster Camp
Monster Train + Monster Train: The Last Divinity
Nickelodeon All Star Brawl
Obduction
Offworld Trading Company
OLLIOLLI WORLD - RAD EDITION
Othercide
Outward The Soroboreans DLC + soundtrack (no base game)
Paint the Town Red
Pathfinder: Kingmaker - Royal Ascension DLC
Pathfinder: Kingmaker - The Wildcards DLC
Pathfinder: Wrath of the Righteous - Enhanced Edition
Per Aspera
Planet zoo
Plebby Quest: The Crusades
Port Royale 3 Gold
Port Royale 4 - Extended Edition + Port Royale 4 - Buccaneers DLC
Project CARS
Project Wingman
Propnight
Proteus
Quantum Break
Ragnarock
Risen 2: Dark Waters, Sacred 2: Gold Edition, Saints Row 2, and Saints Row: The Third! (all 4 together in one key)
ROGUE LORDS
Rollerdrome
Rubber Bandits
Ryse: Son of Rome
Sakura Alien, 18+
Sakura Dungeon, 18+
Sakura - Forest Girls set, 18+

• Sakura Forest Girls, 18+
• Sakura Forest Girls 2, 18+
• Sakura Forest Girls 3, 18+

Sakura knight set, 18+

• Sakura Knight, 18+
• Sakura Knight 2, 18+
• Sakura Knight 3, 18+

Sakura MMO set, 18+

• Sakura MMO, 18+
• Sakura MMO 2, 18+
• Sakura MMO 3, 18+
• Sakura MMO Extra, 18+

Sakura succubus set, 18+

• Sakura Succubus, 18+
• Sakura Succubus 2, 18+
• Sakura Succubus 3, 18+
• Sakura Succubus 4, 18+
• Sakura Succubus 5, 18+
• Sakura Succubus 6, 18+

Sakura Swim Club, 18+
Sam & Max: Devil's Playhouse
Secret Neighbor: Hello Neighbor Multiplayer
Severed steel
Ship Graveyard Simulator
Sid Meier's Civilization VI : Platinum Edition
Sniper Elite 3
Sniper Elite 4
Source of Madness
Spirit Hunter: NG
Starbound
State of Decay: Year-One Survival Edition (steam gift)
Strange Brigade
Sunset Overdrive
Super Star (delisted)
Superliminal
Surviving The Aftermath
Tainted Grail: Conquest
The Dark Pictures Anthology: Man of Medan
The Dark Pictures Anthology: Little Hope
The Dungeon Of Naheulbeuk: The Amulet Of Chaos
The Gardens Between
The Life and Suffering of Sir Brante
The Long Dark
The Stanley Parable
The Witcher: Enhanced Edition (Gift)
This War of Mine: Complete Edition
Thronebreaker: The Witcher Tales
Total War: Empire - Definitive Edition
Total War: Medieval II - Definitive Edition
Total War: Napoleon- Definitive Edition
Tribes of Midgard
Twilight Struggle
War for the Overworld
Warhammer 40,000: Chaos Gate - Daemonhunters
WASTELAND 3
XCOM: Enemy Unknown Complete Edition
Yakuza Kiwami 2

List B: I already own.

112 Operator
911 Operator
Aarklash: Legacy
Agent in Depth
Alchemist's Castle
Aliens vs. Predator Collection ( includes Aliens vs. Predator + Aliens vs Predator Swarm Map Pack + Aliens vs Predator: Bug Hunt Pack)
Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs + Amnesia: The Dark Descent (one key)
Among Us
Armello
Army Men RTS
Assault Suit Leynos
Backbone
Battlecruisers
Beat Hazard 2
Behind the Frame: The Finest Scenery
Behold the Kickmen
Between the Stars
Bezier
Bionic Commando
Bionic Commando Rearmed
Blade Assault
Blood And Zombies
Brawlout
Brothers - A Tale of Two Sons
[email protected]
Calico
Call of Juarez Gunslinger
Cats in Time
Chicka Wars Chicken Meat (delisted)
CivCity: Rome
Click and Slay
Conan Chop Chop
Concept Destruction
Cook, Serve, Delicious! 3?!
Corridor Z
Cosmic Express
Cosmonautica
Crayon Physics Deluxe
CROSSBOW: Bloodnight
Dagon - The Eldritch Box DLC
Dead Age
Dear Esther: Landmark Edition
Death Squared
Detached: Non-VR Edition
Disciples: Liberation
Double Cross
Doughlings: Arcade
Doughlings: Invasion
Draw Slasher
Drawful 2
Driftland: The Magic Revival
Due Process
EarthX
El Hijo
Eldest Souls
Emily is Away <3
Epic Chef
Fallout
Farming Simulator 17
Firegirl: Hack 'n Splash Rescue
First Class Trouble
Five Dates
Fling to the Finish
Fobia - St. Dinfna Hotel
Forged Battalion
Fortissimo FA INTL Ver
Founders' Fortune
Frick, Inc.
Full Throttle Remastered
Fun with Ragdolls: The Game
GameGuru Classic
Garfield Kart - Furious Racing
Geometric Sniper
Ghost 1.0
Go Home Dinosaurs!
Going Under
Golf Gang
Grow: Song of the Evertree
Guilty Gear X2 #Reload
Guns & Fishes
Guts and Glory
Hack 'n' Slash bundle (including Hack 'n' Slash + Hack 'n' Slash Soundtrack + Spacebase GIFT)
Halcyon 6: Lightspeed Edition
Heart Fragment - Book Two: Belief Fragments (Shannon & Lana)
Helheim Hassle
Hellbound
Hello Neighbor
Hexologic
Hidden & Dangerous 2: Courage Under Fire
Hidden & Dangerous: Action Pack
Hokko Life
Holy Potatoes! A Spy Story?!
How to Sing to Open Your Heart
Hydrophobia: Prophecy
Hyper Gunsport
I’m not a Monster
In Sound Mind
INDUSTRIA
Internet Cafe Simulator
Interplanetary: Enhanced Edition
Into the Pit
Intruders: Hide and Seek
Iris and the giant
Iron Danger
Izmir: An Independence Simulator
Joggernauts
JYDGE
Killsquad
Kingdoms of Amalur: Re-Reckoning FATE Edition (including Kingdoms of Amalur: Re-Reckoning + Kingdoms of Amalur: Re-Reckoning Soundtrack + Kingdoms of Amalur: Re-Reckoning - Fatesworn)
Knights of Pen and Paper +1
Labirinto 2
Last Word
Lawn Mowing Simulator
Legend of Keepers
LEGO Batman 2: DC Super Heroes
Leisure Suit Larry - Wet Dreams Don't Dry
Let Them Come
Lighthouse Keeper
Little Orpheus
Lost Planet 3 Complete Pack
Lust for Darkness
Lust from Beyond: M Edition
Maid of Sker
Mainlining
Mega Man Legacy Collection
Mekabolt
Meow Express
MirrorMoon EP
Monaco
Monster Prom 2: Monster Camp
Moon Hunters
Moonlighter
Morbid: The Seven Acolytes
Motorcycle Mechanic Simulator 2021
Murder by Numbers
Must Dash Amigos
My Time At Portia
N++
NecroWorm
NeuroVoider
Neverinth
Neverout
Nongunz: Doppelganger Edition
Non-Stop Raiders
Of Orcs And Men
Orbital Racer
Out of Reach: Treasure Royale
Override
Overture
Papo & Yo
Paradise Lost
Partial Control
Pathfinders: Memories
Pathway
PAYDAY 2
Peaky Blinders: Mastermind
Pilgrims
Pill Baby
Pixplode
Pixross
Planet TD
PlataGO!
Plebby Quest: The Crusades
Popup Dungeon
Post Void
PowerBeatsVR
Project Chemistry
Project Nimbus: Complete Edition
Propagation VR - Co-op
Proteus
Pumped BMX +
Quadrata
Radio Commander
Railroad Corporation
Railroad Tycoon 3
Raji: An Ancient Epic
Rebel Galaxy
Rebound Dodgeball Evolved
Re-Legion
Remnants of Naezith
Resident Evil Revelations
Resident Evil Revelations 2
Revita
RIOT - Civil Unrest
Roarr! Jurassic Edition
Roboquest
Rogue Heroes: Ruins of Tasos
RPG Maker VX
Rym 9000
Say No! More
ScourgeBringer
SEUM: Speedrunners from Hell
Shadow Tactics: Blades of the Shogun - Aiko's Choice
Shady Part of Me
shapez - Puzzle DLC
Shing!
Sid Meier's Railroads!
Siege Survival: Gloria Victis
Skullgirls 2nd Encore
Slinger VR
Smile For Me
Sorcerer King: Rivals
Soul Searching
Soulblight
Space Crew: Legendary Edition
Spellcaster University
Spirit Hunter: Death Mark
Stacking
STAR WARS Jedi Knight: Jedi Academy
STAR WARS: Knights of the Old Republic
Starpoint Gemini Warlords
Stick Fight: The Game
stikir
Stirring Abyss
Strange Brigade
Strider
Stygian: Reign of the Old Ones
Sunlight
Super Chicken Catchers
Super Magbot
SUPERHOT: MIND CONTROL DELETE
Surviving the Aftermath
Sword Legacy Omen
SYMMETRY
System Shock 2
System Shock: Enhanced Edition
Telefrag VR
The Amazing American Circus
The Beast Inside
The Deed II
The Golf Club 2019 Featuring PGA TOUR
The Inner World
The Next Penelope
The Serpent Rogue
The USB Stick Found in the Grass
This War of Mine: Complete Edition
Ticket to Ride
ToeJam & Earl: Back in the Groove
TOEM
Tools Up!
Tooth and Tail
Townsmen - A Kingdom Rebuilt
Traffic Jams
Train Station Renovation
Treasure Hunter Simulator
Turmoil
Underland: The Climb
UnMetal
Vanishing Realms
War for the Overworld
Warhammer 40,000: Gladius - Relics of War
WARSAW
We Were Here Too
Where the Water Tastes Like Wine
White Noise 2
Worms Rumble
WRC 7
WWE 2K BATTLEGROUNDS
XCOM 2
X-COM: Complete Pack (including X-COM: UFO Defense + X-COM: Apocalypse + X-COM: Enforcer + X-COM: Interceptor + X-COM: Terror from the Deep)
XEL
X-Morph: Defense Complete Pack (including X-Morph: Defense + X-Morph: Defense - European Assault + X-Morph: Defense - Survival Of The Fittest + X-Morph: Defense - Last Bastion)
Yoku's Island Express
Zombie Driver HD Complete Edition (including + Zombie Driver HD + Zombie Driver HD Apocalypse Pack + Zombie Driver HD Burning Garden of Slaughter + Zombie Driver HD Tropical Race Rage + Zombie Driver HD Brutal Car Skins + Zombie Driver HD Soundtrack)
ΔV: Rings of Saturn
​
Command & Conquer Remastered Collection (ORIGIN key)
DOOM 64 (Bethesda key)
Liberated (GOG key)
STAR WARS: Squadrons (Origin)
Wanderlust Travel Stories (GOG key)
Dishonored 2 (GOG)
#########################################################

Full WISHLIST

If you traded with me before, you can chat with me directly. Or else, please comment first, then send me a message or chat, thank you.

Region is NA, Full WISHLIST

My REPs: 200+ successful trades, 0 dispute.

#########################################################

My Wishlist:

Rocket League
Poker night
poker night 2
NBA 2k16
NBA 2k17
Persona 5 Royal
Hell let loose
Crusader kings 3
Spiderman remaster
F1 2020, 2019, 2017, 2016, 2012, 2011
A Hat in Time
monster hunter rise
fight in tight space
phoenix wright
LOOT RIVER
Hell let loose
satisfactory
crusader kings 3
Gotham Knights
Vrising
DOOM Eternal
Deep Rock Galactic
LegionTD 2
Dead by Daylight
quantum break
​
Maybe:
Warhammer 40,000: Space Wolf special edition
slay the spire
Spyro Reignited Trilogy
deep rock galactic
#########################################################

My games for trade:

​

Added recently:

Hell let loose (may keep)
Crusader kings 3 (may keep)
Beneath Oresa
Haiku, the Robot
Rain World
Hollow Knight
Kerbal Space Program
Starbound
Quantum Break
Wizard of Legend
Dragon's Dogma: Dark Arisen
Tainted Grail: Conquest
Dicey Dungeons
Talisman: The complete collection (54 game+dlc)
Back 4 blood (EU)
Dragon Knight (delisted, 18+)
Dragonia (delisted, 18+)
EARTH DEFENSE FORCE 4.1 + 18DLCs (19 game+dlc)
Hell Girls (delisted, 18+)
Ragnarock
Super Star (delisted, 18+)
Source of Madness
​
MAY choice:
Warhammer 40,000: Chaos Gate - Daemonhunters
Behind the Frame: The Finest Scenery
Bendy and the Dark Revival
Builder Simulator
Operation Tango
Spiritfarer®: Farewell Edition
The Invisible Hand
Windjammers 2
​
APRIL choice:
DEATH STRANDING DIRECTOR'S CUT
Aliens: Fireteam Elite
Founders' Fortune
Life is Strange 2 Complete Season (incl. Mascot Bundle DLC)
Monster Prom 2: Monster Camp
Revita
Rollerdrome
The Life and Suffering of Sir Brante
​
MARCH choice:
BIOMUTANT
JURASSIC WORLD EVOLUTION 2
EDGE OF ETERNITY
ROGUE LORDS
HERO'S HOUR
GOLDEN LIGHT
Demon Turf
​

List A: I don't own them yet myself.

A Plague Tale: Innocence
ABZU
Aliens: Fireteam Elite
AMID EVIL
Anuchard
Armello
Astronarch
Beneath Oresa
Big Pharma
BIOMUTANT
Bionic Commando Rearmed
Borderlands 3: Super Deluxe Edition
Boundless
BPM: Bullets Per Minute
Children of Morta: Complete Edition
Construction Simulator (2015) Deluxe Edition
Cultist Simulator
Demon Turf
DEATH STRANDING DIRECTOR'S CUT
DEATHLOOP
Depraved
Desperados III
Destroy All Humans
Dicey Dungeons
Dishonored Definitive Edition
Distant Worlds Universe
Dragon Knight (delisted, 18+)
Dragon's Dogma: Dark Arisen
Dragonia (delisted, 18+)
Dungeons 2 - Complete Edition
Dusk
EARTH DEFENSE FORCE 4.1 + 18DLCs (19 game+dlc, 97% positive rating)
EDGE OF ETERNITY
Encased
ENDLESS Space 2 Digital Deluxe Edition
Euro Truck Simulator 2
Fable Anniversary
Flynn: Son of Crimson
Full Metal Furies
Getting Over It with Bennett Foddy
GOLDEN LIGHT
GRID Ultimate Edition
Hedon Bloodrite
Hell Girls (delisted, 18+)
HERO'S HOUR
How to Sing to Open Your Heart
Injustice 2 Legendary Edition
IRIS and the Giant
Joggernauts
JURASSIC WORLD EVOLUTION 2
Just Cause 4 Complete Edition
Last Oasis
Late Shift
Life is Strange 2 Complete Season (incl. Mascot Bundle DLC)
Lost Planet 3 Complete Pack
Mafia: Definitive Edition
Mega Man Legacy Collection
Metro Exodus
Mini Metro
Mini motor Racing EVO (delisted)
Monster Prom 2: Monster Camp
Monster Train + Monster Train: The Last Divinity
Nickelodeon All Star Brawl
Obduction
Offworld Trading Company
OLLIOLLI WORLD - RAD EDITION
Othercide
Outward The Soroboreans DLC + soundtrack (no base game)
Paint the Town Red
Pathfinder: Kingmaker - Royal Ascension DLC
Pathfinder: Kingmaker - The Wildcards DLC
Pathfinder: Wrath of the Righteous - Enhanced Edition
Per Aspera
Planet zoo
Plebby Quest: The Crusades
Port Royale 3 Gold
Port Royale 4 - Extended Edition + Port Royale 4 - Buccaneers DLC
Project CARS
Project Wingman
Propnight
Proteus
Quantum Break
Ragnarock
Risen 2: Dark Waters, Sacred 2: Gold Edition, Saints Row 2, and Saints Row: The Third! (all 4 together in one key)
ROGUE LORDS
Rollerdrome
Rubber Bandits
Ryse: Son of Rome
Sakura Alien, 18+
Sakura Dungeon, 18+
Sakura - Forest Girls set, 18+

• Sakura Forest Girls, 18+
• Sakura Forest Girls 2, 18+
• Sakura Forest Girls 3, 18+

Sakura knight set, 18+

• Sakura Knight, 18+
• Sakura Knight 2, 18+
• Sakura Knight 3, 18+

Sakura MMO set, 18+

• Sakura MMO, 18+
• Sakura MMO 2, 18+
• Sakura MMO 3, 18+
• Sakura MMO Extra, 18+

Sakura succubus set, 18+

• Sakura Succubus, 18+
• Sakura Succubus 2, 18+
• Sakura Succubus 3, 18+
• Sakura Succubus 4, 18+
• Sakura Succubus 5, 18+
• Sakura Succubus 6, 18+

Sakura Swim Club, 18+
Sam & Max: Devil's Playhouse
Secret Neighbor: Hello Neighbor Multiplayer
Severed steel
Ship Graveyard Simulator
Sid Meier's Civilization VI : Platinum Edition
Sniper Elite 3
Sniper Elite 4
Source of Madness
Spirit Hunter: NG
Starbound
State of Decay: Year-One Survival Edition (steam gift)
Strange Brigade
Sunset Overdrive
Super Star (delisted)
Superliminal
Surviving The Aftermath
Tainted Grail: Conquest
The Dark Pictures Anthology: Man of Medan
The Dark Pictures Anthology: Little Hope
The Dungeon Of Naheulbeuk: The Amulet Of Chaos
The Gardens Between
The Life and Suffering of Sir Brante
The Long Dark
The Stanley Parable
The Witcher: Enhanced Edition (Gift)
This War of Mine: Complete Edition
Thronebreaker: The Witcher Tales
Total War: Empire - Definitive Edition
Total War: Medieval II - Definitive Edition
Total War: Napoleon- Definitive Edition
Tribes of Midgard
Twilight Struggle
War for the Overworld
Warhammer 40,000: Chaos Gate - Daemonhunters
WASTELAND 3
XCOM: Enemy Unknown Complete Edition
Yakuza Kiwami 2

List B: I already own.

112 Operator
911 Operator
Aarklash: Legacy
Agent in Depth
Alchemist's Castle
Aliens vs. Predator Collection ( includes Aliens vs. Predator + Aliens vs Predator Swarm Map Pack + Aliens vs Predator: Bug Hunt Pack)
Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs + Amnesia: The Dark Descent (one key)
Among Us
Armello
Army Men RTS
Assault Suit Leynos
Backbone
Battlecruisers
Beat Hazard 2
Behind the Frame: The Finest Scenery
Behold the Kickmen
Between the Stars
Bezier
Bionic Commando
Bionic Commando Rearmed
Blade Assault
Blood And Zombies
Brawlout
Brothers - A Tale of Two Sons
[email protected]
Calico
Call of Juarez Gunslinger
Cats in Time
Chicka Wars Chicken Meat (delisted)
CivCity: Rome
Click and Slay
Conan Chop Chop
Concept Destruction
Cook, Serve, Delicious! 3?!
Corridor Z
Cosmic Express
Cosmonautica
Crayon Physics Deluxe
CROSSBOW: Bloodnight
Dagon - The Eldritch Box DLC
Dead Age
Dear Esther: Landmark Edition
Death Squared
Detached: Non-VR Edition
Disciples: Liberation
Double Cross
Doughlings: Arcade
Doughlings: Invasion
Draw Slasher
Drawful 2
Driftland: The Magic Revival
Due Process
EarthX
El Hijo
Eldest Souls
Emily is Away <3
Epic Chef
Fallout
Farming Simulator 17
Firegirl: Hack 'n Splash Rescue
First Class Trouble
Five Dates
Fling to the Finish
Fobia - St. Dinfna Hotel
Forged Battalion
Fortissimo FA INTL Ver
Founders' Fortune
Frick, Inc.
Full Throttle Remastered
Fun with Ragdolls: The Game
GameGuru Classic
Garfield Kart - Furious Racing
Geometric Sniper
Ghost 1.0
Go Home Dinosaurs!
Going Under
Golf Gang
Grow: Song of the Evertree
Guilty Gear X2 #Reload
Guns & Fishes
Guts and Glory
Hack 'n' Slash bundle (including Hack 'n' Slash + Hack 'n' Slash Soundtrack + Spacebase GIFT)
Halcyon 6: Lightspeed Edition
Heart Fragment - Book Two: Belief Fragments (Shannon & Lana)
Helheim Hassle
Hellbound
Hello Neighbor
Hexologic
Hidden & Dangerous 2: Courage Under Fire
Hidden & Dangerous: Action Pack
Hokko Life
Holy Potatoes! A Spy Story?!
How to Sing to Open Your Heart
Hydrophobia: Prophecy
Hyper Gunsport
I’m not a Monster
In Sound Mind
INDUSTRIA
Internet Cafe Simulator
Interplanetary: Enhanced Edition
Into the Pit
Intruders: Hide and Seek
Iris and the giant
Iron Danger
Izmir: An Independence Simulator
Joggernauts
JYDGE
Killsquad
Kingdoms of Amalur: Re-Reckoning FATE Edition (including Kingdoms of Amalur: Re-Reckoning + Kingdoms of Amalur: Re-Reckoning Soundtrack + Kingdoms of Amalur: Re-Reckoning - Fatesworn)
Knights of Pen and Paper +1
Labirinto 2
Last Word
Lawn Mowing Simulator
Legend of Keepers
LEGO Batman 2: DC Super Heroes
Leisure Suit Larry - Wet Dreams Don't Dry
Let Them Come
Lighthouse Keeper
Little Orpheus
Lost Planet 3 Complete Pack
Lust for Darkness
Lust from Beyond: M Edition
Maid of Sker
Mainlining
Mega Man Legacy Collection
Mekabolt
Meow Express
MirrorMoon EP
Monaco
Monster Prom 2: Monster Camp
Moon Hunters
Moonlighter
Morbid: The Seven Acolytes
Motorcycle Mechanic Simulator 2021
Murder by Numbers
Must Dash Amigos
My Time At Portia
N++
NecroWorm
NeuroVoider
Neverinth
Neverout
Nongunz: Doppelganger Edition
Non-Stop Raiders
Of Orcs And Men
Orbital Racer
Out of Reach: Treasure Royale
Override
Overture
Papo & Yo
Paradise Lost
Partial Control
Pathfinders: Memories
Pathway
PAYDAY 2
Peaky Blinders: Mastermind
Pilgrims
Pill Baby
Pixplode
Pixross
Planet TD
PlataGO!
Plebby Quest: The Crusades
Popup Dungeon
Post Void
PowerBeatsVR
Project Chemistry
Project Nimbus: Complete Edition
Propagation VR - Co-op
Proteus
Pumped BMX +
Quadrata
Radio Commander
Railroad Corporation
Railroad Tycoon 3
Raji: An Ancient Epic
Rebel Galaxy
Rebound Dodgeball Evolved
Re-Legion
Remnants of Naezith
Resident Evil Revelations
Resident Evil Revelations 2
Revita
RIOT - Civil Unrest
Roarr! Jurassic Edition
Roboquest
Rogue Heroes: Ruins of Tasos
RPG Maker VX
Rym 9000
Say No! More
ScourgeBringer
SEUM: Speedrunners from Hell
Shadow Tactics: Blades of the Shogun - Aiko's Choice
Shady Part of Me
shapez - Puzzle DLC
Shing!
Sid Meier's Railroads!
Siege Survival: Gloria Victis
Skullgirls 2nd Encore
Slinger VR
Smile For Me
Sorcerer King: Rivals
Soul Searching
Soulblight
Space Crew: Legendary Edition
Spellcaster University
Spirit Hunter: Death Mark
Stacking
STAR WARS Jedi Knight: Jedi Academy
STAR WARS: Knights of the Old Republic
Starpoint Gemini Warlords
Stick Fight: The Game
stikir
Stirring Abyss
Strange Brigade
Strider
Stygian: Reign of the Old Ones
Sunlight
Super Chicken Catchers
Super Magbot
SUPERHOT: MIND CONTROL DELETE
Surviving the Aftermath
Sword Legacy Omen
SYMMETRY
System Shock 2
System Shock: Enhanced Edition
Telefrag VR
The Amazing American Circus
The Beast Inside
The Deed II
The Golf Club 2019 Featuring PGA TOUR
The Inner World
The Next Penelope
The Serpent Rogue
The USB Stick Found in the Grass
This War of Mine: Complete Edition
Ticket to Ride
ToeJam & Earl: Back in the Groove
TOEM
Tools Up!
Tooth and Tail
Townsmen - A Kingdom Rebuilt
Traffic Jams
Train Station Renovation
Treasure Hunter Simulator
Turmoil
Underland: The Climb
UnMetal
Vanishing Realms
War for the Overworld
Warhammer 40,000: Gladius - Relics of War
WARSAW
We Were Here Too
Where the Water Tastes Like Wine
White Noise 2
Worms Rumble
WRC 7
WWE 2K BATTLEGROUNDS
XCOM 2
X-COM: Complete Pack (including X-COM: UFO Defense + X-COM: Apocalypse + X-COM: Enforcer + X-COM: Interceptor + X-COM: Terror from the Deep)
XEL
X-Morph: Defense Complete Pack (including X-Morph: Defense + X-Morph: Defense - European Assault + X-Morph: Defense - Survival Of The Fittest + X-Morph: Defense - Last Bastion)
Yoku's Island Express
Zombie Driver HD Complete Edition (including + Zombie Driver HD + Zombie Driver HD Apocalypse Pack + Zombie Driver HD Burning Garden of Slaughter + Zombie Driver HD Tropical Race Rage + Zombie Driver HD Brutal Car Skins + Zombie Driver HD Soundtrack)
ΔV: Rings of Saturn
​
Command & Conquer Remastered Collection (ORIGIN key)
DOOM 64 (Bethesda key)
Liberated (GOG key)
STAR WARS: Squadrons (Origin)
Wanderlust Travel Stories (GOG key)
Dishonored 2 (GOG)
#########################################################

Full WISHLIST

If you traded with me before, you can chat with me directly. Or else, please comment first, then send me a message or chat, thank you.

Region is NA, Full WISHLIST

My REPs: 200+ successful trades, 0 dispute.

#########################################################

My Wishlist:

Rocket League
Poker night
poker night 2
NBA 2k16
NBA 2k17
Persona 5 Royal
Hell let loose
Crusader kings 3
Spiderman remaster
F1 2020, 2019, 2017, 2016, 2012, 2011
A Hat in Time
monster hunter rise
fight in tight space
phoenix wright
LOOT RIVER
Hell let loose
satisfactory
crusader kings 3
Gotham Knights
Vrising
DOOM Eternal
Deep Rock Galactic
LegionTD 2
Dead by Daylight
quantum break
​
Maybe:
Warhammer 40,000: Space Wolf special edition
slay the spire
Spyro Reignited Trilogy
deep rock galactic
#########################################################

My games for trade:

​

Added recently:

Hell let loose (may keep)
Crusader kings 3 (may keep)
Beneath Oresa
Haiku, the Robot
Rain World
Hollow Knight
Kerbal Space Program
Starbound
Quantum Break
Wizard of Legend
Dragon's Dogma: Dark Arisen
Tainted Grail: Conquest
Dicey Dungeons
Talisman: The complete collection (54 game+dlc)
Back 4 blood (EU)
Dragon Knight (delisted, 18+)
Dragonia (delisted, 18+)
EARTH DEFENSE FORCE 4.1 + 18DLCs (19 game+dlc)
Hell Girls (delisted, 18+)
Ragnarock
Super Star (delisted, 18+)
Source of Madness
​
MAY choice:
Warhammer 40,000: Chaos Gate - Daemonhunters
Behind the Frame: The Finest Scenery
Bendy and the Dark Revival
Builder Simulator
Operation Tango
Spiritfarer®: Farewell Edition
The Invisible Hand
Windjammers 2
​
APRIL choice:
DEATH STRANDING DIRECTOR'S CUT
Aliens: Fireteam Elite
Founders' Fortune
Life is Strange 2 Complete Season (incl. Mascot Bundle DLC)
Monster Prom 2: Monster Camp
Revita
Rollerdrome
The Life and Suffering of Sir Brante
​
MARCH choice:
BIOMUTANT
JURASSIC WORLD EVOLUTION 2
EDGE OF ETERNITY
ROGUE LORDS
HERO'S HOUR
GOLDEN LIGHT
Demon Turf
​

List A: I don't own them yet myself.

A Plague Tale: Innocence
ABZU
Aliens: Fireteam Elite
AMID EVIL
Anuchard
Armello
Astronarch
Beneath Oresa
Big Pharma
BIOMUTANT
Bionic Commando Rearmed
Borderlands 3: Super Deluxe Edition
Boundless
BPM: Bullets Per Minute
Children of Morta: Complete Edition
Construction Simulator (2015) Deluxe Edition
Cultist Simulator
Demon Turf
DEATH STRANDING DIRECTOR'S CUT
DEATHLOOP
Depraved
Desperados III
Destroy All Humans
Dicey Dungeons
Dishonored Definitive Edition
Distant Worlds Universe
Dragon Knight (delisted, 18+)
Dragon's Dogma: Dark Arisen
Dragonia (delisted, 18+)
Dungeons 2 - Complete Edition
Dusk
EARTH DEFENSE FORCE 4.1 + 18DLCs (19 game+dlc, 97% positive rating)
EDGE OF ETERNITY
Encased
ENDLESS Space 2 Digital Deluxe Edition
Euro Truck Simulator 2
Fable Anniversary
Flynn: Son of Crimson
Full Metal Furies
Getting Over It with Bennett Foddy
GOLDEN LIGHT
GRID Ultimate Edition
Hedon Bloodrite
Hell Girls (delisted, 18+)
HERO'S HOUR
How to Sing to Open Your Heart
Injustice 2 Legendary Edition
IRIS and the Giant
Joggernauts
JURASSIC WORLD EVOLUTION 2
Just Cause 4 Complete Edition
Last Oasis
Late Shift
Life is Strange 2 Complete Season (incl. Mascot Bundle DLC)
Lost Planet 3 Complete Pack
Mafia: Definitive Edition
Mega Man Legacy Collection
Metro Exodus
Mini Metro
Mini motor Racing EVO (delisted)
Monster Prom 2: Monster Camp
Monster Train + Monster Train: The Last Divinity
Nickelodeon All Star Brawl
Obduction
Offworld Trading Company
OLLIOLLI WORLD - RAD EDITION
Othercide
Outward The Soroboreans DLC + soundtrack (no base game)
Paint the Town Red
Pathfinder: Kingmaker - Royal Ascension DLC
Pathfinder: Kingmaker - The Wildcards DLC
Pathfinder: Wrath of the Righteous - Enhanced Edition
Per Aspera
Planet zoo
Plebby Quest: The Crusades
Port Royale 3 Gold
Port Royale 4 - Extended Edition + Port Royale 4 - Buccaneers DLC
Project CARS
Project Wingman
Propnight
Proteus
Quantum Break
Ragnarock
Risen 2: Dark Waters, Sacred 2: Gold Edition, Saints Row 2, and Saints Row: The Third! (all 4 together in one key)
ROGUE LORDS
Rollerdrome
Rubber Bandits
Ryse: Son of Rome
Sakura Alien, 18+
Sakura Dungeon, 18+
Sakura - Forest Girls set, 18+

• Sakura Forest Girls, 18+
• Sakura Forest Girls 2, 18+
• Sakura Forest Girls 3, 18+

Sakura knight set, 18+

• Sakura Knight, 18+
• Sakura Knight 2, 18+
• Sakura Knight 3, 18+

Sakura MMO set, 18+

• Sakura MMO, 18+
• Sakura MMO 2, 18+
• Sakura MMO 3, 18+
• Sakura MMO Extra, 18+

Sakura succubus set, 18+

• Sakura Succubus, 18+
• Sakura Succubus 2, 18+
• Sakura Succubus 3, 18+
• Sakura Succubus 4, 18+
• Sakura Succubus 5, 18+
• Sakura Succubus 6, 18+

Sakura Swim Club, 18+
Sam & Max: Devil's Playhouse
Secret Neighbor: Hello Neighbor Multiplayer
Severed steel
Ship Graveyard Simulator
Sid Meier's Civilization VI : Platinum Edition
Sniper Elite 3
Sniper Elite 4
Source of Madness
Spirit Hunter: NG
Starbound
State of Decay: Year-One Survival Edition (steam gift)
Strange Brigade
Sunset Overdrive
Super Star (delisted)
Superliminal
Surviving The Aftermath
Tainted Grail: Conquest
The Dark Pictures Anthology: Man of Medan
The Dark Pictures Anthology: Little Hope
The Dungeon Of Naheulbeuk: The Amulet Of Chaos
The Gardens Between
The Life and Suffering of Sir Brante
The Long Dark
The Stanley Parable
The Witcher: Enhanced Edition (Gift)
This War of Mine: Complete Edition
Thronebreaker: The Witcher Tales
Total War: Empire - Definitive Edition
Total War: Medieval II - Definitive Edition
Total War: Napoleon- Definitive Edition
Tribes of Midgard
Twilight Struggle
War for the Overworld
Warhammer 40,000: Chaos Gate - Daemonhunters
WASTELAND 3
XCOM: Enemy Unknown Complete Edition
Yakuza Kiwami 2

List B: I already own.

112 Operator
911 Operator
Aarklash: Legacy
Agent in Depth
Alchemist's Castle
Aliens vs. Predator Collection ( includes Aliens vs. Predator + Aliens vs Predator Swarm Map Pack + Aliens vs Predator: Bug Hunt Pack)
Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs + Amnesia: The Dark Descent (one key)
Among Us
Armello
Army Men RTS
Assault Suit Leynos
Backbone
Battlecruisers
Beat Hazard 2
Behind the Frame: The Finest Scenery
Behold the Kickmen
Between the Stars
Bezier
Bionic Commando
Bionic Commando Rearmed
Blade Assault
Blood And Zombies
Brawlout
Brothers - A Tale of Two Sons
[email protected]
Calico
Call of Juarez Gunslinger
Cats in Time
Chicka Wars Chicken Meat (delisted)
CivCity: Rome
Click and Slay
Conan Chop Chop
Concept Destruction
Cook, Serve, Delicious! 3?!
Corridor Z
Cosmic Express
Cosmonautica
Crayon Physics Deluxe
CROSSBOW: Bloodnight
Dagon - The Eldritch Box DLC
Dead Age
Dear Esther: Landmark Edition
Death Squared
Detached: Non-VR Edition
Disciples: Liberation
Double Cross
Doughlings: Arcade
Doughlings: Invasion
Draw Slasher
Drawful 2
Driftland: The Magic Revival
Due Process
EarthX
El Hijo
Eldest Souls
Emily is Away <3
Epic Chef
Fallout
Farming Simulator 17
Firegirl: Hack 'n Splash Rescue
First Class Trouble
Five Dates
Fling to the Finish
Fobia - St. Dinfna Hotel
Forged Battalion
Fortissimo FA INTL Ver
Founders' Fortune
Frick, Inc.
Full Throttle Remastered
Fun with Ragdolls: The Game
GameGuru Classic
Garfield Kart - Furious Racing
Geometric Sniper
Ghost 1.0
Go Home Dinosaurs!
Going Under
Golf Gang
Grow: Song of the Evertree
Guilty Gear X2 #Reload
Guns & Fishes
Guts and Glory
Hack 'n' Slash bundle (including Hack 'n' Slash + Hack 'n' Slash Soundtrack + Spacebase GIFT)
Halcyon 6: Lightspeed Edition
Heart Fragment - Book Two: Belief Fragments (Shannon & Lana)
Helheim Hassle
Hellbound
Hello Neighbor
Hexologic
Hidden & Dangerous 2: Courage Under Fire
Hidden & Dangerous: Action Pack
Hokko Life
Holy Potatoes! A Spy Story?!
How to Sing to Open Your Heart
Hydrophobia: Prophecy
Hyper Gunsport
I’m not a Monster
In Sound Mind
INDUSTRIA
Internet Cafe Simulator
Interplanetary: Enhanced Edition
Into the Pit
Intruders: Hide and Seek
Iris and the giant
Iron Danger
Izmir: An Independence Simulator
Joggernauts
JYDGE
Killsquad
Kingdoms of Amalur: Re-Reckoning FATE Edition (including Kingdoms of Amalur: Re-Reckoning + Kingdoms of Amalur: Re-Reckoning Soundtrack + Kingdoms of Amalur: Re-Reckoning - Fatesworn)
Knights of Pen and Paper +1
Labirinto 2
Last Word
Lawn Mowing Simulator
Legend of Keepers
LEGO Batman 2: DC Super Heroes
Leisure Suit Larry - Wet Dreams Don't Dry
Let Them Come
Lighthouse Keeper
Little Orpheus
Lost Planet 3 Complete Pack
Lust for Darkness
Lust from Beyond: M Edition
Maid of Sker
Mainlining
Mega Man Legacy Collection
Mekabolt
Meow Express
MirrorMoon EP
Monaco
Monster Prom 2: Monster Camp
Moon Hunters
Moonlighter
Morbid: The Seven Acolytes
Motorcycle Mechanic Simulator 2021
Murder by Numbers
Must Dash Amigos
My Time At Portia
N++
NecroWorm
NeuroVoider
Neverinth
Neverout
Nongunz: Doppelganger Edition
Non-Stop Raiders
Of Orcs And Men
Orbital Racer
Out of Reach: Treasure Royale
Override
Overture
Papo & Yo
Paradise Lost
Partial Control
Pathfinders: Memories
Pathway
PAYDAY 2
Peaky Blinders: Mastermind
Pilgrims
Pill Baby
Pixplode
Pixross
Planet TD
PlataGO!
Plebby Quest: The Crusades
Popup Dungeon
Post Void
PowerBeatsVR
Project Chemistry
Project Nimbus: Complete Edition
Propagation VR - Co-op
Proteus
Pumped BMX +
Quadrata
Radio Commander
Railroad Corporation
Railroad Tycoon 3
Raji: An Ancient Epic
Rebel Galaxy
Rebound Dodgeball Evolved
Re-Legion
Remnants of Naezith
Resident Evil Revelations
Resident Evil Revelations 2
Revita
RIOT - Civil Unrest
Roarr! Jurassic Edition
Roboquest
Rogue Heroes: Ruins of Tasos
RPG Maker VX
Rym 9000
Say No! More
ScourgeBringer
SEUM: Speedrunners from Hell
Shadow Tactics: Blades of the Shogun - Aiko's Choice
Shady Part of Me
shapez - Puzzle DLC
Shing!
Sid Meier's Railroads!
Siege Survival: Gloria Victis
Skullgirls 2nd Encore
Slinger VR
Smile For Me
Sorcerer King: Rivals
Soul Searching
Soulblight
Space Crew: Legendary Edition
Spellcaster University
Spirit Hunter: Death Mark
Stacking
STAR WARS Jedi Knight: Jedi Academy
STAR WARS: Knights of the Old Republic
Starpoint Gemini Warlords
Stick Fight: The Game
stikir
Stirring Abyss
Strange Brigade
Strider
Stygian: Reign of the Old Ones
Sunlight
Super Chicken Catchers
Super Magbot
SUPERHOT: MIND CONTROL DELETE
Surviving the Aftermath
Sword Legacy Omen
SYMMETRY
System Shock 2
System Shock: Enhanced Edition
Telefrag VR
The Amazing American Circus
The Beast Inside
The Deed II
The Golf Club 2019 Featuring PGA TOUR
The Inner World
The Next Penelope
The Serpent Rogue
The USB Stick Found in the Grass
This War of Mine: Complete Edition
Ticket to Ride
ToeJam & Earl: Back in the Groove
TOEM
Tools Up!
Tooth and Tail
Townsmen - A Kingdom Rebuilt
Traffic Jams
Train Station Renovation
Treasure Hunter Simulator
Turmoil
Underland: The Climb
UnMetal
Vanishing Realms
War for the Overworld
Warhammer 40,000: Gladius - Relics of War
WARSAW
We Were Here Too
Where the Water Tastes Like Wine
White Noise 2
Worms Rumble
WRC 7
WWE 2K BATTLEGROUNDS
XCOM 2
X-COM: Complete Pack (including X-COM: UFO Defense + X-COM: Apocalypse + X-COM: Enforcer + X-COM: Interceptor + X-COM: Terror from the Deep)
XEL
X-Morph: Defense Complete Pack (including X-Morph: Defense + X-Morph: Defense - European Assault + X-Morph: Defense - Survival Of The Fittest + X-Morph: Defense - Last Bastion)
Yoku's Island Express
Zombie Driver HD Complete Edition (including + Zombie Driver HD + Zombie Driver HD Apocalypse Pack + Zombie Driver HD Burning Garden of Slaughter + Zombie Driver HD Tropical Race Rage + Zombie Driver HD Brutal Car Skins + Zombie Driver HD Soundtrack)
ΔV: Rings of Saturn
​
Command & Conquer Remastered Collection (ORIGIN key)
DOOM 64 (Bethesda key)
Liberated (GOG key)
STAR WARS: Squadrons (Origin)
Wanderlust Travel Stories (GOG key)
Dishonored 2 (GOG)
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Full WISHLIST

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