Trigger warning: grooming, narcissistic abuse.
I really wanted to share a little bit of my story cause I feel so overwhelmed and I do not know what to do with my life anymore. I'm so lost. And I've never felt lonelier.
I'm sitting at my computer after waking up with my "situationship'' person next to me (thats a whole another story, but we do have feelings for each other, yet we don't think we should be in a relationship together at this time in life). He asked me how I was this morning and I just burst into tears. I am not ok. That's all I could say and cry.
I took a sick leave from work because I can't motivate myself to work. I feel discardable and unimportant. I work in a very close knit office in a very specific company for 5 years, we are around 10 people in the office and I feel like my colleagues are not interested in me as a person. I feel so worthless and like nobody cares if I open my mouth to say anything. But I also don't care about being involved in the same old repetitive jokes, pretending I care about my colleague's child cause thats the only thing the conversation revolves around (and the same 5 stupid jokes that get repeated every single day). Now I can imagine you saying: well of course you feel like it, you get what you give .... However, would anyone care that I'm struggling daily with suicidal thoughts? Would they care I have found spirituality to search for purpose? Would they care that the salary I receive that 60-70% goes to bills and I can't afford to eat ? NO. As long as it's not small talk bullshit, they don't care or know how to respond. Yet, that's the main thing I'm concerned about. Not about their children's problems with their testicles (yes, the whole office knew that) or how another colleague is going shopping every week and planning her next trip to Italy cause she lives with her parents and can spend her money without paying the same amount of bills a single woman does living alone in the centre of the biggest city in the country (Eastern Europe). I've talked to my boss about a raise cause after 5 years, still living with less than a 1000 euro each month and the prices rising so much ... I can't live with that kind of money anymore. It's funny. All my boss says is: manage your finances better ...
In the past years I've lost most of my friends. My best friend was in love with the guy she set me up with (that's the situationship guy from the beginning) and around 10 months ago she said: "I can't look you in the eye anymore", cried how all she thinks about was the guy she set me up with and we came to a conclusion that this friendship is dead and she does not want to see me again. I said I'll wait for her cause I love her... and today is her birthday, she turns 28. We were best friends for 11 years and even got a stupid matching best friends tattoo back in the day. I still sleep with the teddy bear she gave me on my 19th birthday. When I found her in high school I thought finally ... a friend just for me. Our school mates thought we were lesbians. And we were a team for a while. But before her, for some reason, I've had difficulties to be and feel accepted in the friend group. Before high-school it was always a girl friend group who had a leader and the rest were her pawns. I got sick of being a soldier with no brain and I really wanted an equal part and respect with the whole group. Cause I thought and still think that I'm: real, honest, reliable & loyal af. All they saw was the friend who is not good enough cause I did not want to do always what they did, pursue the same stuff as them, be outside of the box they were putting themselves into. I always was that friend to start hating randomly... cause I let them? I'm not sure.
My family life ... I'd say my closest family is only my grandma and my cousin.. the two people i can actually be real with. I do have a mother, a stepdad and a half-brother 15 years younger. My mother is a covert narcissist. I do not know my biological father. I had a different dad growing up than my younger step-brother. I thought the dad that raised me was my biological father for a very long time until I found out all by myself at 9 y/o that my mother was married with another man that had my last name and voila! The dad that I thought was my real dad adopted me officially after he married my mom. His name is in my birth certificate. I only found that out when I was 20 (thanks again mom). My dad and my mom did not tell me they divorced when i was around 11 ... again, I found it out only by myself cause I was a curious kid. My mother changed boyfriends and then found my stepdad and to gain his house she had to give birth to a son... where my step-brother comes in. I was 15 y/o in the summer I got my step-brother ... and then at the end of the summer I lost my dad in a motorcycle crash. He was my buddy. The one who told me about his adventures on his bike while drinking a glass of light beer and playing cards. We watched movies, listened to music. He was really involved in forming who I am now. He was not perfect but I really felt the fatherly love from him. While my mom ... she only gave a shit when she got something out of me. That I got good grades, she boasted it was because she was smart. When I had my birthday, she celebrated her being so young and still looking so young cause she birthed me when she was 20. She wanted me to be her doll, looking perfect, with clothes she liked and she did not let me play around outside as a kid if I had the pretty clothes on. When I didn't do something she wanted to be done but she didn't ask nicely, just expected it to be done, she stood in the door frame of my tiny room screaming and shouting at me for 40 minutes straight and if i dared to even try to say something, just barely moving my mouth, I got yelled at louder and harder... and then I learned to disassociate. However, after my brother was in the picture, she just didn't give a shit about me as a child with needs. She stopped providing me with clothes and my grandma started helping... after that she said I looked ugly and that nobody would like me. She offered me (offered is a generous statement here, I had no choice) to pay to be a nanny for my brother my whole summer break from school. Yeah, I get it, I got some money, but you have to undertsand, she would give me such little pocket money, I could not even buy a decent lunch at school. I had to be alone with a 1/2 y/o for the whole summer. Every work day. When I should have been outside doing something with friends or making them in the least. People thought my younger brother was my son when I went out with him. Since those 2 summers I decided I will not have children of my own.
After those 2 summers I met my (now ex) boyfriend. We met on omegle (yikes) when I was 17 (yikes) and he ... was 27 (bigYikes). I was lonely, freshly without a dad, without good long-term friends, my parents paid no attention to me. I was drinking vodka with orange juice in my room alone while searching for friends online. Mostly they were men. But... context is important here. I was a very horny teenager. Like any guy is horny while being 16/17 ... this girl was a pedo's dream. I was very into Lolita aesthetic, I had just freshly read the book too. I'm not gonna lie, I was into older guys cause at that age, no boy who I liked and who was my age paid attention to me. I thought I was ugly. My parents didn't get me braces cause they were too expensive (yet my mom could buy fur coats and go to nice trips) and I felt very insecure with my smile. Yet ... one evening on omegle was what changed my life. I found a chat, the camera was off for him but on for me. He complimented my smile, how I looked. I never got that kind of attention. Then I found out we had our birthday on the same date which felt like a sign. Then we started skyping. After a week I saw his face. TBH, not the most handsome guy but it is not that important for me. He said he got jewellery for me. He also had a girlfriend from my country before which I thought was cool cause he knew the culture then. After a month of chatting and sexting he came to see me. I lied to my mom that I 'd be staying at my friends place for a weekend cause there was a party but I actually went to met him and we were staying at a hotel not too far from my home. The first thing we did was fuck. We did that the whole weekend with a few breaks of going to the movies, to eat and see the old town. After a month he offered me to go to him ... I explained the situation to my mom like this: I met someone, on the internet, he lives in West Europe and wants to invite me to visit. My parents agreed. Imagine that. My mother fucking sold me. At least that's how my grandma calls it. But you know, I didn't think like that when I was 17... I thought I was IN LOVE. But you know why my grandma said my mother sold me? My mother relied on HIM now to get me everything I'd need. Clothes, phones... etc etc. She gave me a symbolic 2 euro pocket money a few days in the week, how generous of her. You know, that's not even the best part yet ... because my dad had died and I was officially his child I got his pension but because I was not 18 y/o my mother got all the money and told me that only like 5 months before I turned 18. The pension was decent. Decent enough for me not to ask anyone for money anymore. Or start saving for university ... my mother spent it all until she decided to tell me she got the money since he had died. And for those few months I knew she could give me maybe 1/3rd of what she got. After I turned 18, I'd get it all then. Well, while she was trying to start a new family, her 17 y/o daughter was fucking a pedo. You gotta understand about me, when I was 17, I did not look like a young adult, I still looked pretty much like a child. I still got the chubby cheeks, I was very slender, barely any womanly features, natural hair. A dream for a guy like that. And the worst part is, I was completely under his spell. I thought finally I'm getting the life I thought I deserved. I saw so many countries and places I only ever dreamed of seeing as a poor Eastern European girl. I finally got that fatherly figure in my life who takes care of me. All of his friends were happy for him to be with such a young and cute girl. I finished high-school while planning going to universities where he lived. I got totally put in a trap where the only person important in my life was him. I worked very hard to arrange everything and to apply for those universities while my best friend, who I mentioned at the start, started ditching school and she partied and started working cause she was also not that well off and I spent my last year of high school basically all alone and later she blamed me for ditching her while I was living with him across Europe. I got into the university. He bought us a place to live between the city of my uni and his work. It was still 2h going in 1 direction 3-4 times a week. I was isolated from my course mates in university. I did not live with them. My only close friend there was him. Besides my bff who barely finished high-school I had no close friends at school. I had tops 2-4 other friends besides her. Rest of my year called me a weird lesbian for some reason. One guy even asked my BFF why I was so weird. I never understood why I was thought of as weird at school. Because I did not have rich/well off parents? Because I did not have the perfect smile? Because I was a bit introverted? I realise now as I am getting older maybe I am on the autism spectre and I do have some problems with maintaining eye-contact but I am not that far on the spectrum I'd say to be impaired really in my communication. Bu that is a side note to this all. I just got perceived as weird for some unexplained reasons. After being in a relationship with him ... a lot of bad stuff emerged. He was a compulsive liar. He chatted with his exes, with other girls he met online all over East-Europe. I found e-mails he sent to other women being signed "Love, forever yours" and said that's how he talks to his friends. The jewellery he got me at the start? He stole it from his mothers (or asked, I'm not sure what was right). He gaslit me to a point where I was paranoid I started snooping every single thing he owned. I checked his amex bills if he was not seeing other women, I saw he was registered in different dating apps. And the crown to this all is: A TEENAGE BOY HE TRAINED IN FOOTBALL ACCUSED HIM OF ASKING FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS IN EXCHANGE OF GOODS. It ruined his reputation, he got raided by the police, his family did not trust him anymore, he got shunned. And I stuck to him 100%, that's how blind I was. Of course I had my questions yet I trusted him so much cause I did not have anyone else. He got a court case, he got public service as a punishment cause they found a weird deleted pic on his computer (that is what he said to me). Furthermore, my friend told me he was chatting with her and her friends behind my back and told them to not tell me... And that was right before I had to move in with him to go to my university. I did it anyway. I did not finish the year in uni. I was burned out from the 4h spending every day in public transport, dealing with his emotional abuse and trying to do all of my uni work which was completely overwhelming. We even got into couples therapy cause I did not know how to trust him anymore. The therapist told me: D, you know what to do by now. And I did. I had to go back home.
That summer we drove back home. I drove back home to a mother who had sold the apartment that was supposed to be mine when i was 18 cause my dad who raised me bought it for my mother and later to be left for me. I had nothing. Just a room in my step-dads family house. He was not my family. However, my mother wanted me to feel that, I did not. I could not. I was too old for that. He knew we did not drive here just for a vacation. He knew that when he drove back alone and I did not come with him to spend more time back home, I would not return later. After 3 weeks of being home without him. I left him. I started to work as a barista. Finally, making some friends, starting new relationships. Doing what I should have been doing. Started to live with my BFF cause I could not stand my mother. I could not stand looking at her treating my brother like he deserved everything he wanted. I am still sick of looking how she coddles him and I am constantly reminded how she could have been like that with me but she just did not see me as a child that needs love from her.
For now, thank you for reading. I feel I lost my point a little. I just really really wanted to share something to the world from my life cause I sit here every day alone smoking too much weed and trying to cope. I do not know if that works anymore. I feel lost & aimless. If you have any questions about me and my life I'll gladly answer them. And I am sorry for the ramble but there is so much I still did not write here. Maybe one day my life will make an interesting book.

the beard and head hair can be braided together to prevent the hair from flapping around and showing anything

hey all! just need some advice/help with this one
so i’ve been been at my newest job for the last few months and have developed a crush on the guy i work with and some things he does insinuates he’s interested but then it switches, so this’ll be a long one.
it started mainly after a work party thing we all went to and we were slightly tipsy and he was laying on the ground whilst i sat next to him and was drawing on his arm (i know how childish of us) and he was teaching out to touch my hair to which I moved it because i thought that’s what that meant and he reached out again to just twirl it and play with it whilst looking at me and smiling, that’s what kicked it all off tbh.
after that i noticed some things he did like asking if i need help on counting the bar which is a one person job or pointing out that he liked my earrings, complimented me on how nice i looked, helped me with fractions and sat down to teach me them or asking how i am whilst touching my shoulder or putting his head on top of mine whilst i sat down. it was small things that added up and made me wonder if he did see me in a different light.
but, he has said before to me that he’s not up to dating at the moment in general and is just weird with his signals.
he gave me a back massage for 15 minutes and rubbed my shoulder another time as if to soothe me when he was the one who was upset.
he’s given me multiple lifts home which is not out of the ordinary cus he does that with other people but we always sit in the car for at least 2 hours just talking and at one point he started to cry talking about how his brain works (we believe he’s autistic) and how i’m the one person who knows him most, and we held hands whilst he spoke about this.
he came over one time for a movie night and we just rested our heads ontop of eachother and held each others arms in a weird form of cuddling ig.
he always gives me a hug and it’s small things like that back and fourth that he does.
he recently went abroad for a few weeks to which we texted quite a bit and i asked him to bring back an ankle bracelet to which he expressed how he went through every market to find one and picked up bangles because he thought I’d also like them, we spoke on the phone for 2 hours (which he also did with another colleague) and wants to take me to a Shakespearean play.
i’ve recently learnt that he slept with someone whilst he was away and i’m aware you can like someone and still sleep around but maybe he just doesn’t like me and realistically I’d ask but I’d like to hang out a bit more to know if it goes somewhere (because we’ve made like 4 different plans to hang out). i feel like i’ve seemed quite on and off and wondering if my feelings aren’t clear and if it’d be different if they were. because he gave me a hug and was smiling but i just acted as though it was another day
he could just possibly be a flirty person (with his 25 body count) and knows exactly what’s he’s doing, or whether he does like me. i’m unsure and need advice on whether to just go for it or just hang up the towel.
if anyone could help that’d be great, thank you :))

I’ve seen so many examples of poor hygiene from friends and family. Feeding a dog with bare fingers, allowing it to lick the food off the fingers, and then not washing hands before preparing food. Using the same washing up brush for the dogs bowl and human plates/cutlery. Dogs shaking clouds of hair in the kitchen, and watching them slowly settle on the food.
I’ve also seen TikTok’s of “cute moments” where dogs lick the cheese off a plate; grab a pizza; people handing a plate with gravy on for the dog to ‘clean’, dogs going into fridges to get food…
It’s all so disgusting. I’ve learnt a long time ago not to eat at a house if there is a dog nutter in it.

I can't find any videos or remember his name right now. He looks exactly like my friend but I can't find it to prove it to him.
He's a guy, mid 20s, brown, shoulder length (last I saw) curly hair, beard and I think a little heavier than average. I remember seeing him on tiktok a lot.

I was diagnosed roughly a year ago after a long battle with the doctors to get the right blood tests and scans done. Before being diagnosed I knew something was wrong with my body like I had that deep down gnawing feeling that something was causing my hair loss, hirsutism, acne, weight gain, and inability to lose weight. I thought that as soon as I had a diagnosis it would give me peace of mind to have something to point to and be like look this is the issue!! it’s not just me being lazy and eating bad!!
But since being diagnosed it HAS become me being lazy and eating badly. I feel defeated. Prior to diagnosis I was exercising a lot and trying so hard to eat correctly (granted I know now I wasn’t doing it correctly but it was better than nothing), but since knowing I have PCOS I’ve slipped into old habits of staying in bed all day and giving in to my carb and sugar cravings.
It feels pointless to exercise and eat healthy when I know my body is actively working against me at all times. I so badly want to lose weight and be healthy but it feels so impossible, at least before I had a glimmer of hope that hard work could eventually pay off but now I don’t even have that. I feel betrayed by my own body :(

Trigger warning: grooming, narcissistic abuse.
I really wanted to share a little bit of my story cause I feel so overwhelmed and I do not know what to do with my life anymore. I'm so lost. And I've never felt lonelier.
I'm sitting at my computer after waking up with my "situationship'' person next to me (thats a whole another story, but we do have feelings for each other, yet we don't think we should be in a relationship together at this time in life). He asked me how I was this morning and I just burst into tears. I am not ok. That's all I could say and cry.
I took a sick leave from work because I can't motivate myself to work. I feel discardable and unimportant. I work in a very close knit office in a very specific company for 5 years, we are around 10 people in the office and I feel like my colleagues are not interested in me as a person. I feel so worthless and like nobody cares if I open my mouth to say anything. But I also don't care about being involved in the same old repetitive jokes, pretending I care about my colleague's child cause thats the only thing the conversation revolves around (and the same 5 stupid jokes that get repeated every single day). Now I can imagine you saying: well of course you feel like it, you get what you give .... However, would anyone care that I'm struggling daily with suicidal thoughts? Would they care I have found spirituality to search for purpose? Would they care that the salary I receive that 60-70% goes to bills and I can't afford to eat ? NO. As long as it's not small talk bullshit, they don't care or know how to respond. Yet, that's the main thing I'm concerned about. Not about their children's problems with their testicles (yes, the whole office knew that) or how another colleague is going shopping every week and planning her next trip to Italy cause she lives with her parents and can spend her money without paying the same amount of bills a single woman does living alone in the centre of the biggest city in the country (Eastern Europe). I've talked to my boss about a raise cause after 5 years, still living with less than a 1000 euro each month and the prices rising so much ... I can't live with that kind of money anymore. It's funny. All my boss says is: manage your finances better ...
In the past years I've lost most of my friends. My best friend was in love with the guy she set me up with (that's the situationship guy from the beginning) and around 10 months ago she said: "I can't look you in the eye anymore", cried how all she thinks about was the guy she set me up with and we came to a conclusion that this friendship is dead and she does not want to see me again. I said I'll wait for her cause I love her... and today is her birthday, she turns 28. We were best friends for 11 years and even got a stupid matching best friends tattoo back in the day. I still sleep with the teddy bear she gave me on my 19th birthday. When I found her in high school I thought finally ... a friend just for me. Our school mates thought we were lesbians. And we were a team for a while. But before her, for some reason, I've had difficulties to be and feel accepted in the friend group. Before high-school it was always a girl friend group who had a leader and the rest were her pawns. I got sick of being a soldier with no brain and I really wanted an equal part and respect with the whole group. Cause I thought and still think that I'm: real, honest, reliable & loyal af. All they saw was the friend who is not good enough cause I did not want to do always what they did, pursue the same stuff as them, be outside of the box they were putting themselves into. I always was that friend to start hating randomly... cause I let them? I'm not sure.
My family life ... I'd say my closest family is only my grandma and my cousin.. the two people i can actually be real with. I do have a mother, a stepdad and a half-brother 15 years younger. My mother is a covert narcissist. I do not know my biological father. I had a different dad growing up than my younger step-brother. I thought the dad that raised me was my biological father for a very long time until I found out all by myself at 9 y/o that my mother was married with another man that had my last name and voila! The dad that I thought was my real dad adopted me officially after he married my mom. His name is in my birth certificate. I only found that out when I was 20 (thanks again mom). My dad and my mom did not tell me they divorced when i was around 11 ... again, I found it out only by myself cause I was a curious kid. My mother changed boyfriends and then found my stepdad and to gain his house she had to give birth to a son... where my step-brother comes in. I was 15 y/o in the summer I got my step-brother ... and then at the end of the summer I lost my dad in a motorcycle crash. He was my buddy. The one who told me about his adventures on his bike while drinking a glass of light beer and playing cards. We watched movies, listened to music. He was really involved in forming who I am now. He was not perfect but I really felt the fatherly love from him. While my mom ... she only gave a shit when she got something out of me. That I got good grades, she boasted it was because she was smart. When I had my birthday, she celebrated her being so young and still looking so young cause she birthed me when she was 20. She wanted me to be her doll, looking perfect, with clothes she liked and she did not let me play around outside as a kid if I had the pretty clothes on. When I didn't do something she wanted to be done but she didn't ask nicely, just expected it to be done, she stood in the door frame of my tiny room screaming and shouting at me for 40 minutes straight and if i dared to even try to say something, just barely moving my mouth, I got yelled at louder and harder... and then I learned to disassociate. However, after my brother was in the picture, she just didn't give a shit about me as a child with needs. She stopped providing me with clothes and my grandma started helping... after that she said I looked ugly and that nobody would like me. She offered me (offered is a generous statement here, I had no choice) to pay to be a nanny for my brother my whole summer break from school. Yeah, I get it, I got some money, but you have to undertsand, she would give me such little pocket money, I could not even buy a decent lunch at school. I had to be alone with a 1/2 y/o for the whole summer. Every work day. When I should have been outside doing something with friends or making them in the least. People thought my younger brother was my son when I went out with him. Since those 2 summers I decided I will not have children of my own.
After those 2 summers I met my (now ex) boyfriend. We met on omegle (yikes) when I was 17 (yikes) and he ... was 27 (bigYikes). I was lonely, freshly without a dad, without good long-term friends, my parents paid no attention to me. I was drinking vodka with orange juice in my room alone while searching for friends online. Mostly they were men. But... context is important here. I was a very horny teenager. Like any guy is horny while being 16/17 ... this girl was a pedo's dream. I was very into Lolita aesthetic, I had just freshly read the book too. I'm not gonna lie, I was into older guys cause at that age, no boy who I liked and who was my age paid attention to me. I thought I was ugly. My parents didn't get me braces cause they were too expensive (yet my mom could buy fur coats and go to nice trips) and I felt very insecure with my smile. Yet ... one evening on omegle was what changed my life. I found a chat, the camera was off for him but on for me. He complimented my smile, how I looked. I never got that kind of attention. Then I found out we had our birthday on the same date which felt like a sign. Then we started skyping. After a week I saw his face. TBH, not the most handsome guy but it is not that important for me. He said he got jewellery for me. He also had a girlfriend from my country before which I thought was cool cause he knew the culture then. After a month of chatting and sexting he came to see me. I lied to my mom that I 'd be staying at my friends place for a weekend cause there was a party but I actually went to met him and we were staying at a hotel not too far from my home. The first thing we did was fuck. We did that the whole weekend with a few breaks of going to the movies, to eat and see the old town. After a month he offered me to go to him ... I explained the situation to my mom like this: I met someone, on the internet, he lives in West Europe and wants to invite me to visit. My parents agreed. Imagine that. My mother fucking sold me. At least that's how my grandma calls it. But you know, I didn't think like that when I was 17... I thought I was IN LOVE. But you know why my grandma said my mother sold me? My mother relied on HIM now to get me everything I'd need. Clothes, phones... etc etc. She gave me a symbolic 2 euro pocket money a few days in the week, how generous of her. You know, that's not even the best part yet ... because my dad had died and I was officially his child I got his pension but because I was not 18 y/o my mother got all the money and told me that only like 5 months before I turned 18. The pension was decent. Decent enough for me not to ask anyone for money anymore. Or start saving for university ... my mother spent it all until she decided to tell me she got the money since he had died. And for those few months I knew she could give me maybe 1/3rd of what she got. After I turned 18, I'd get it all then. Well, while she was trying to start a new family, her 17 y/o daughter was fucking a pedo. You gotta understand about me, when I was 17, I did not look like a young adult, I still looked pretty much like a child. I still got the chubby cheeks, I was very slender, barely any womanly features, natural hair. A dream for a guy like that. And the worst part is, I was completely under his spell. I thought finally I'm getting the life I thought I deserved. I saw so many countries and places I only ever dreamed of seeing as a poor Eastern European girl. I finally got that fatherly figure in my life who takes care of me. All of his friends were happy for him to be with such a young and cute girl. I finished high-school while planning going to universities where he lived. I got totally put in a trap where the only person important in my life was him. I worked very hard to arrange everything and to apply for those universities while my best friend, who I mentioned at the start, started ditching school and she partied and started working cause she was also not that well off and I spent my last year of high school basically all alone and later she blamed me for ditching her while I was living with him across Europe. I got into the university. He bought us a place to live between the city of my uni and his work. It was still 2h going in 1 direction 3-4 times a week. I was isolated from my course mates in university. I did not live with them. My only close friend there was him. Besides my bff who barely finished high-school I had no close friends at school. I had tops 2-4 other friends besides her. Rest of my year called me a weird lesbian for some reason. One guy even asked my BFF why I was so weird. I never understood why I was thought of as weird at school. Because I did not have rich/well off parents? Because I did not have the perfect smile? Because I was a bit introverted? I realise now as I am getting older maybe I am on the autism spectre and I do have some problems with maintaining eye-contact but I am not that far on the spectrum I'd say to be impaired really in my communication. Bu that is a side note to this all. I just got perceived as weird for some unexplained reasons. After being in a relationship with him ... a lot of bad stuff emerged. He was a compulsive liar. He chatted with his exes, with other girls he met online all over East-Europe. I found e-mails he sent to other women being signed "Love, forever yours" and said that's how he talks to his friends. The jewellery he got me at the start? He stole it from his mothers (or asked, I'm not sure what was right). He gaslit me to a point where I was paranoid I started snooping every single thing he owned. I checked his amex bills if he was not seeing other women, I saw he was registered in different dating apps. And the crown to this all is: A TEENAGE BOY HE TRAINED IN FOOTBALL ACCUSED HIM OF ASKING FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS IN EXCHANGE OF GOODS. It ruined his reputation, he got raided by the police, his family did not trust him anymore, he got shunned. And I stuck to him 100%, that's how blind I was. Of course I had my questions yet I trusted him so much cause I did not have anyone else. He got a court case, he got public service as a punishment cause they found a weird deleted pic on his computer (that is what he said to me). Furthermore, my friend told me he was chatting with her and her friends behind my back and told them to not tell me... And that was right before I had to move in with him to go to my university. I did it anyway. I did not finish the year in uni. I was burned out from the 4h spending every day in public transport, dealing with his emotional abuse and trying to do all of my uni work which was completely overwhelming. We even got into couples therapy cause I did not know how to trust him anymore. The therapist told me: D, you know what to do by now. And I did. I had to go back home.
That summer we drove back home. I drove back home to a mother who had sold the apartment that was supposed to be mine when i was 18 cause my dad who raised me bought it for my mother and later to be left for me. I had nothing. Just a room in my step-dads family house. He was not my family. However, my mother wanted me to feel that, I did not. I could not. I was too old for that. He knew we did not drive here just for a vacation. He knew that when he drove back alone and I did not come with him to spend more time back home, I would not return later. After 3 weeks of being home without him. I left him. I started to work as a barista. Finally, making some friends, starting new relationships. Doing what I should have been doing. Started to live with my BFF cause I could not stand my mother. I could not stand looking at her treating my brother like he deserved everything he wanted. I am still sick of looking how she coddles him and I am constantly reminded how she could have been like that with me but she just did not see me as a child that needs love from her.
For now, thank you for reading. I feel I lost my point a little. I just really really wanted to share something to the world from my life cause I sit here every day alone smoking too much weed and trying to cope. I do not know if that works anymore. I feel lost & aimless. If you have any questions about me and my life I'll gladly answer them. And I am sorry for the ramble but there is so much I still did not write here. Maybe one day my life will make an interesting book.

I'm just venting here. You can ignore this post.
I was that cousin that everyone hated because I was 'perfect' and their parents constantly compared them to me. Now they look at me and go, 'serves her right'. I don't blame them. I get how it feels to be constantly compared to someone.
I was the miracle baby twh doctors had given up on. I was doted and loved by everyone. But it came with a price. I had to keep up with their expectations to stay 'loved'. I wanted to make my parents proud of me, so I read encyclopaedias and dictionary, I copied dance moves from dances on TV. I'd show off to my relatives during festivals, meet-ups and gatherings. I loved seeing the proud faces of my parents. I tried to act like a grown up. I tried not to act spoilt, I dressed myself for school, I didn't whine for my mum when I wa sick. I stayed quiet as my neighbour molested me, because he said my parents would be disappointed in me. I did everything. My parents looked at me like I was their most prized possessions.
Let me make one thing clear. I was never academically bright. I have never gotten above 80% in any test. That's like getting a B. My parents believed that if I put my heart into studies I'd be able to ace it. They took my love for books as smartness. I was never good at studying but it never bugged me until my brother came along. I was six then. Suddenly I was the eldest child in the household. Suddenly I had to give up my toys and snacks. Suddenly everyone visited to only look at my brother. My neighbour stopped molesting me. I thought something was wrong with me. I started to hate my brother. Act spoilt. Ans it only disappointed my parents. I was heartbroken. But I thought of I kept up with my hardwork they'd look at me again. I took dance classes, swimming classes, I worked extra hard on my drawings, but it didn't work. After a few years by brother started showing interest in drawing. And the only thing my parents still appreciated from me was gone. They only cared for my drawings when a guest. But even they would only look at my brother's scribbles. I love my brother, but back then I hated him. During 7th grade, I met my molester again and memories of what he did to me came back. I spiralled into a rabbit hole of anxiety, depression, fear and self hatred. My grades dropped from 80 to 70. My parents were even disappointed. I felt dirty, I wanted to tear my skin. I became short tempered, bitter and violent. I slept through my classes, ditched events, slept more at home. The only person who believed in me was my best friend. I tried to die several times but failed. During COVID my mother discovered my cut marks and they took me to a doctor. I'm getting therapy now. Which is good I guess. But my parents have completely given up on me now. My whole family knows about my condition. That made me feel worse. I didn't give my final exams so I have to repeat a grade. I act like being the disappointment of the family doesn't hurt me. That the contempt, pity and sarcasm doesn't get to me. The anti depressants made me fat. The fat shaming, sarcasm, the 'advice'. All of this is getting too much. My younger cousin looks up to me, because I don't care. But it's not it. I might act all high and mighty, but it hurts. I've been clean (of self harm) for a few months but I don't know how long I'll be able to hold on.

I think it's my modesty that stands out 😁
This is a lengthy post, it says a lot about the type of man i am, and what im looking for in a woman, so if you're looking for a short blunt paragraph of a post that screams 'quick fix', then im definitely not for you.
Reach out if you're from the UK, and around my age or older.
I'm just the bloke next door with grown up kids and a wife, on the surface we seem fine just like everyone else, but underneath things are sometimes far from perfect (im not here to badmouth my SO), i keep myself to myself as im the quiet type (apparently you have to watch out for the quiet one's), but im down to earth, easy to get on with and pretty laid back. I try not to take myself too seriously or worry about what people think or say (maybe that's an age thing), im definitely respectful and will always treat others how they treat me.
Things that i like: lazy mornings, people watching, the warm sun on my skin, fresh coffee, the smell of freshly cut grass, rum (spiced or dark), teasing, exploring castles and forests (not hiking), long drives in the countryside, 90's alternative music, cooking and trying new foods, psychological films, late nights and early lazy mornings, drawing/sketching, dogs
My bad points: over thinking, i have been called intense before, i can take things to heart.
But i make no apologies for being who i am, the older i get, i seem to care less about what people think or say these days. I'm more comfortable in my skin than ever before and i know what i like and what i dont like. I'm straight up honest and will say what's on my mind but at the same time, im empathic (sometimes it's a curse) and wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm prone to over thinking and sometimes worry about the little things in life, because the little things are actually really important (im like a full blown contradiction).
So, what do you get in return for reaching out? Well, im quietly confident and fairly intelligent, easy to get along with, inquisitive, down to earth and fairly laid back when in good company, im more of a glass half full kind of man, i love bringing positive vibes to the people i care about. I consider myself to be a gentleman, polite, courteous and emotionally grounded but also love a bit of banter and sarcasm, it makes for a fun conversation when you can bounce off each other. I'm 5'11 slim, short dark hair, hazel eyes and a short salt and pepper beard, in case physical appearance is important.
I tend to get on better with a lady who 'thinks outside of the box', who isn't constrained to convention, someone who can be sassy and can challenge me once in a while, but also has a warm heart, is her own person, free spirited with a dark sense of humour and who isn't afraid to just say what's on her mind.
I'm looking for a good woman who is just as open and honest as i am, where we can talk about anything and everything while we find out about each other's quirks (im sure we have plenty!), essentially we'll be building what we're missing, the 'desire' and the 'want', to be 'noticed' and 'heard' again. Yeah, im flirtatious (i know, who isn't?!) and i consider myself to be a bit of a tease but im totally respectful, saying that though, there maybe times where i could make your knickers wet while you're busy with your family (sorry, not sorry), and know that conversations are more important, the naughty things just add to it once a good foundation is formed.
Now for the chemistry, obviously the mental attraction is priority, after all, this is online, so the ability to communicate well is paramount. The physical attraction, no matter how you look at it, is still rather important. I look after myself (as well as I can) and would appreciate a woman who shares the same value, also a woman who might see herself as a 'plain Jane' with an average body, mum bod, then you'd most probably turn my head, because there's something about perfect imperfections, you know?
So, what do you say? Yes im also looking at you, lurking in the back, first time here? Not sure if im right for you, or if you're ready to reach out? Coming from an over thinker, id say try not to over think it, because this is just a conversation, but it could be so much more.

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It's been a long time since I read it and I'm pretty sure that back then it was still on going, I don't know if it's completed now though. Also, I don’t know if I remember the details correctly. As far as I remember the cover is a pink haired Chinese girl in a historical dress in some background. The story was set in a fantasy historical setting and the manhua is colored. I don't know if at the start of the story, she already had "transmigrated" or has been "reincarnated" but I know that she is doctohealer. Then in the middle of the story, she would die and the man would long for her but couldn't do anything but to mourn. Then in the next few chapters, I remember her appearing and traveling back to the original setting/place so maybe she was reborn in a different place but still remember her past life so she came back. I'm not really sure though. Maybe she has a system or something. I remember the name being Reborn Again or Reincarnated Again, something like that, hinting that she has three lives. I know it's vague and a lot of manhuas almost have the same plots, but if you could send as many links as you can, I'd click on it.

IDK how to tell a stylist to NOT cut a short layer in my hair that makes it look like I have a tiny wig on top of my long hair! I have told stylist after stylist after stylist: *Long layers (my hair is past my collarbone) *Don't cut any hair shorter than my collarbone *Don't place the layers more than about 2" apart from each other *Don't thin out my hair
I went to yet another new stylist recently and I walked out nearly crying. I have wavy/curly hair and he acknowledged that - but then he cut a blunt, short layer in front that doesn't blend with the rest of my hair in any way. Of course he straightened it when he dried it - I normally air dry to keep the curl, so this layer now springs up to almost my cheekbone and looks incredibly dumb. There is about 4" between this layer and the bottom edge of the hair. It seriously looks like a blunt wig on top of my head with longer hair coming out underneath & I have to jam it behind my ears until it grows out again so it doesn't look stupid.
Am I telling stylists the wrong thing? Why do they keep doing this when I feel like I'm being very clear to not do it? With the last stylist I was seeing it took 4 bad cuts before she understood what I meant, then she raised her prices past what I could afford & I had to find someone else. Now I apparently have to start all over again, explaining it over and over to this new person.

I've been using the pandemic as an excuse to not interact with people. Telling myself that I will as soon as it's over or finding another reason not to. I realize that I'll always be this way unless I actually try. I want to share it with someone.
A bit about me:
•Dark hair, brown eyes, 5'11" (180.3)
•I'm a former chef so I like trying and test recipes any chance I get.
•I've start to workout again (another this I used the pandemic as an excuse for)
•I play games, nothing wrong with games to unwind after a long day. Maybe you like them too, would be nice not to play by myself.
•I watch some anime not much, I do end up watching random documentaries a lot tho
You:
•I don't really mind where you're from, as long as the plan is to eventually meet.
If anything caught your attention send me a message on chat about it. I'm also not opposed to sending a picture, so send one if you want one. Also if you read this far down tell me if you have a favorite go to meal
Hope to hear from you soon and be talking on the regular soon.

I've been using the pandemic as an excuse to not interact with people. Telling myself that I will as soon as it's over or finding another reason not to. I realize that I'll always be this way unless I actually try. I want to share it with someone.
A bit about me:
•Dark hair, brown eyes, 5'11" (180.3)
•I'm a former chef so I like trying and test recipes any chance I get.
•I've start to workout again (another this I used the pandemic as an excuse for)
•I play games, nothing wrong with games to unwind after a long day. Maybe you like them too, would be nice not to play by myself.
•I watch some anime not much, I do end up watching random documentaries a lot tho
You:
•I don't really mind where you're from, as long as the plan is to eventually meet.
If anything caught your attention send me a message on chat about it. I'm also not opposed to sending a picture, so send one if you want one. Also if you read this far down tell me if you have a favorite go to meal
Hope to hear from you soon and be talking on the regular soon.