Nelson county gazette jail logs

So, October 14th 2022 I walked away from drinking. I am the proud owner of not 1 but 2 DUII’s (probably deserve 50 DUIIs), a brief stay in county jail, countless brutal screaming matches with my husband, I’ve thrown and broken things, and done lots of damage to my relationships. My husband is also an alcoholic and quit the same time.
Just turned 36. I’m a high functioning alcoholic. I own my own business I founded back in 2017. Partied the whole way up. It’s funny how as long as you’re working and making good money how people act like you don’t have a problem. The whole corporate, real estate, financial industries absolutely bask in celebrating functional alcoholism. Corporate retreat? DRINKS! Promotion? DRINKS! Closed a huge deal? Signed a new client? Established a new business partnership…? DRRRRRIIIIIINNNKKKKKSSS! Lol. Drinking is always the answer.
I learned how to drink rubbing elbows with my higher ups. When I got my first DUII ten years ago my former mentor said “who cares, welcome to the club”. This from a man who used to run Marriott.
Anyway, regardless. Alcohol is my demon. It nearly dismantled my marriage. In fact I’m still walking through an extremely difficult part of my marriage because of something awful that happened while my husband and I were at our lowest. Not on my end but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t play a part. And it’s been part of the catalyst that ended mine and my husbands drinking career. So in a way I’m grateful.
We drank a LOT. 5 nights a week at least. Sometimes starting at 1 or 2. Sometimes even earlier and finishing by 5… passing out. I drank heavily for 7 years. I was a beer woman. IPAs like a stereotypical Oregon hipster. Then I moved onto whiskey for a season. Always Jameson. Then that got too syrupy to me so I finished with grey goose. Sometimes I’d mix grey goose with white claw. Road sodas and that.
Got used to living in a permanent state of either hungover or inebriation. Only taking breaks when I was so bloated drinking didn’t sound good. So I HAD to take a break. I thought it was normal to sleep like shit. Maybe copping 4-5 hours a night. No REM sleep ever. Sex with my husband was sloppy drunk BS. Often I’d end up puking. Hanging my head in my toilet like “yep…this is normal, just gotta puke so I can rally”. Pass out. Wake up gagging. Coughing and gagging while I choked down the first 4 cigarettes. Just so I could repeat it all again. I’ve gained 100 lbs too. Eating like shit and drinking too much. Skipping meals so I didn’t ruin my buzz just so I could ferociously yogi bear my kitchen at 3am looking for ramen. I can’t believe how long I lived like that.
LOL, and the ANXIETY. Through the roof. Could hardly go grocery shopping without a buzz unless it was 6am. I was convinced I had agoraphobia. And extreme anxiety. Nah. Turns out when you’re in active addiction and HEAVY denial you just miss that you’re not really mentally ill. You’re just a junkie for booze. Which I was. That and gambling and cigarettes. Those three were my gods.
Anyway. Flash forward to December last year. I had already quit drinking in October but I’m December I got RSV and it turned into pneumonia. So on December 7th I peaced out cigarettes for good.
Started working out in January. Every day.
Now I sleep 8-9.5 hours a night. Sometimes I don’t even wake up to go to the bathroom. Just glorious on my belly mouth open fan on comfortable EPIC snooze fests every night. I take vitamins every day. I mediate. I sit sauna. I read. I paint. I play music. My brain is awake. I’m back. The woman I thought died long ago, she’s in there. My thirst for adventure is insatiable. I’ve lost 30 lbs so far too.
I used to go backpacking and hiking a lot. I used to love to be in the forest. I fought fires structural and wildland. I never thought I’d hike again because I’d gained so much weight and I smoked so much I couldn’t breathe. I’m hiking 5 miles almost every day. When I can’t I jump on my treadmill. I’m feasting on life. I used to feast on slow suicide.
Finally bucked up and went to the doctor this month. The pain in my side came back. The pain I convinced myself was pancreatic cancer and liver failure…. And definitely liver cancer all at the same time. It was back and it made no sense because I quit drinking already. I should be healed. So I said “fuck it” and made my appt. Got an all my blood work done. Got a pap (cause you know I also was certain I had cervical cancer bc I was a heavy smoker). Got an ultra sound and x rays on my side.
My liver enzymes are normal. My blood work is flawless. My side hurts because I have a gallbladder polyp that is exacerbated by fatty foods. My cholesterol is good. Blood pressure is good. My pap and all that was good.
I remember drinking thinking fuck it, I’ve probably already done all the damage. I haven’t. It’s worth quitting and living. Not thinking like that anymore. Now I am caring for my body! Now I am getting healthy and coming back to life. I’m not suffering from anxiety anymore. My body is healing and every day I get stronger. My marriage. God. My marriage is growing in ways I never imagined. I’m falling in love with a man I am just getting to know.
It’s been a crazy ride. I’m almost to six months. Please hang in there!!!! I love you!

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MADISON, Wisconsin — A man who was accused of driving his SUV into a Christmas parade in suburban Milwaukee on Wednesday, killing six people and injuring dozens felt he had been "demonized."
Darrell Brooks Jr., in an interview with Fox News from the Waukesha County Jail, offered no details about a possible motive.
"I just felt like I was being demonized," Brooks said, according to Fox.

Donald Trump is accused of sexual assault by multiple women. His wife said he raped her before she decided to describe it differently He is accused of raping a 13-year-old girl and walking in on teens in the Miss Teen USA pageant. He bragged of walking in on naked women at pageants and of course, of grabbing women “by the pussy.”
Judge Roy Moore is accused of sexual assault and dating underage women.
Rep Jim Jordan is seeking to step into Speaker Ryan’s shoes even though he is accused of ignoring sexual assault of young men while a coach, dismissing it as locker room talk
Former Republican Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert convicted of sex abuse
Former Cobb County COP Chairman Joseph Russell Dendy - child molesting
So-called "pro-life"/ antigay activist Howard Scott Heldreth was convicted of raping a child
GOP Richland County Commissioner David F. Swartz convicted of sexually abusing a girl from age 6 upwards - released after only 8 years!!!! Republican judge Mark Pazuhanich pleaded no contest to molesting his 10-year-old daughter.
Republican anti-abortion activist Nicholas Morency pleaded guilty to possessing child pornography on his computer and offering a bounty to anybody who murders an abortion doctor.
Republican Speaker of the House in Puerto Rico Edison Misla Aldarondo was sentenced to 10 years in prison for raping his daughter between the ages of 9 and 17.
Republican Mayor Philip Giordano is serving a 37-year sentence in federal prison for sexually abusing 8- and 10-year old girls.
Republican campaign consultant Tom Shortridge was sentenced to three years probation for taking nude photographs of a 15-year old girl.
Republican racist pedophile and United States Senator Strom Thurmond had sex with a 15-year old black girl which produced a child. She was underage. It was rape.
Republican pastor Mike Hintz, whom George W. Bush commended during the 2004 presidential campaign, surrendered to police after admitting to a sexual affair with a female juvenile.
Republican legislator Peter Dibble pleaded no contest to having an inappropriate relationship with a 13-year-old girl.
Republican Congressman Donald "Buz" Lukens was found guilty of having sex with a female minor and sentenced to one month in jail. ONE MONTH!!!!!
Republican fundraiser Richard A. Delgaudio was found guilty of child porn charges and paying two teenage girls to pose for sexual photos.
Republican of the Year Mark A. Grethen convicted on six counts of sex crimes involving children. Keep reading, it’s half-way down the page.
Republican state senator Ralph Shortey from Oklahoma admitted to being involved in sodomy with a 17 year old male prostitute and transporting child pornography. He was sentenced to 15 years.
Republican activist Randal David Ankeney pleaded guilty to attempted sexual assault on a child.
Republican Congressman Dan Crane had sex with a page. To be fair, Dem Congressman was Gerry Studds was also caught for the same thing. The Congressional Page scandal.
Republican Congressman Mark Foley abruptly resigned from Congress after "sexually explicit" emails surfaced showing him flirting with a 16-year old boy.
GOP Congressman Jim Kolbe - suspected of being too “close” to underage pages.
Republican activist and Christian Coalition leader Beverly Russell admitted to an incestuous relationship with his stepdaughter.
Republican congressman and anti-gay activist Robert Bauman* was charged with having sex with a 16-year-old boy he picked up at a gay bar.
Republican Committee Chairman Jeffrey Patti was arrested for distributing a video clip of a 5-year-old girl being raped and notice, they agreed his record could be expunged in THREE YEARS!
Republican legislative aide Howard L. Brooks* was charged with molesting a 12-year old boy and possession of child pornography.
Republican Senate candidate John Hathaway was accused of having sex with his 12-year old babysitter and withdrew his candidacy after the allegations were reported in the media.
Republican preacher Stephen White*, who demanded a return to traditional values, was sentenced to jail after offering $20 to a 14-year-old boy for permission to perform oral sex on him.
Republican talk show host Jon Matthews pleaded guilty to exposing his genitals to an 11 year old girl.
Republican anti-gay activist Earl "Butch" Kimmerling was sentenced to 40 years in prison for molesting an 8-year old girl after he attempted to stop a gay couple from adopting her.
Republican Party leader Paul Ingram pleaded guilty to six counts of raping his daughters and served 14 years in federal prison.
Republican election board official Kevin Coan was sentenced to two years probation for soliciting sex over the internet from a 14-year old girl.
Republican politician Andrew Buhr* was charged with two counts of first degree sodomy with a 13-year old boy.
Republican politician Keith Westmoreland was arrested on seven felony counts of lewd and lascivious exhibition to girls under the age of 16. He committed suicide
Republican anti-abortion activist John Allen Burt was charged with sexual misconduct involving a 15-year old girl.
Republican County Councilman Keola Childs* pleaded guilty to molesting a male child.
Republican activist, McCain office manager Jeffrey Claude Bartleson, was arrested for molesting the child of a campaign volunteer.
NYC councilman, Republican-Queens, Dennis Gallagher - rape
Republican Mayoral Candidate and pastor - Rambler was accused of having sex with an underage boy and was convicted of soliciting explicit photos from a swingers' group & using the pics to extort money
Republican City Councilman Fred C. Smeltzer, Jr. pleaded no contest to raping a 15-year-old girl and served 6-months in prison.
Republican activist Parker J. Bena pleaded guilty to possession of child pornography on his home computer and was sentenced to 30 months in federal prison and fined $18,000.
GOP Sen aide Ryan Loskarn committed suicide after child porn arrest
Republican parole board officer and former Colorado state representative, Larry Jack Schwarz, was fired after child pornography was found in his possession.
Faith and Family Alliance director, Republican strategist, and lobbyist Robin Vanderwall was convicted in of five counts of soliciting sex from boys and girls over the internet. It's at the end or article, after all his illegal lobbying schemes https://t.co/gVbGFfAtZe
Republican businessman Jon Grunseth withdrew his candidacy for Minnesota governor after allegations surfaced that he went swimming in the nude with four underage girls, including his daughter
Republican director of the "Young Republican Federation" Nicholas Elizondo molested his 6-year old daughter and was sentenced to six years in prison
Republican benefactor of conservative Christian groups, Richard A. Dasen Sr. rape. Dasen has allegedly told police that over the past decade he paid more than $1 million to have sex with a large number of young women
Republican Judge and campaign official Tim Nolan for President Donald Trump indicted for human trafficking and forcing a minors (9) to engage in sexual activity
Republican County Board Candidate Brent Schepp was charged with molesting a 14-year old girl.
Randall Casseday, HR Director for right-wing Washington Times - caught in an underage sex sting - "The Washington Times is the only newspaper where the moral issues of family and faith are proudly reported on the front page on a regular basis"
Republican chairman of the Oregon Christian Coalition Lou Beres confessed to molesting a 13-year old girl
Republican County Constable Larry Dale Floyd was arrested on suspicion of soliciting sex with an 8-year old girl. Authorities say Floyd also was interested in a 3-year-old girl and 16-month-old boy.
Republican Party leader Bobby Stumbo was arrested for having sex with a 5-year old boy, in other words, rape.
Republican petition drive manager Tom Randall pleaded guilty to molesting two girls under the age of 14, one of them the daughter of an associate in the petition business.
Republican County Chairman Armando Tebano was arrested for sexually molesting a 14-year-old girl.
Republican teacher and former city councilman John Collins pled guilty to sexually molesting 13 and 14-year-old girls.
Republican campaign worker Mark Seidensticker was found guilty of offering alcohol and cigarettes to a 14-year-old boy. Authorities accused him of having offered beer and cigarettes to a boy while driving a car with a trunk stocked with blankets, duct tape, rope, and a lubricant. Seidensticker worked on NH Republican state executive councilor Burton campaigns for more than a decade. Burton knew he was convicted of assault when he hired

I had to disown my father. He has been throwing monkey wrenches in my life for the last 2 years. The straw that broke my back was when he went back to his wife after she tried to kill him. A little back story... He started cheating on his wife of 20 years with a "family friend". We will call her Marie. During his time with Marie, his now ex-wife we will call Jessie's dad passed away. That broke us all and he was texting Marie the whole time while being with Jessie at her dad's funeral. The weekend after that he left Jessie, lied, and said he was watching my son for the weekend and was at Marie's house all weekend. I was so upset that once I found out he did that I jumped his ass. I told him that he shouldn't be playing both of the women and he needs to pick one. He goes back to Jessie for about 2 weeks then leaves her for Marie and shortly after files for divorce and married Marie. So now back to the current time, He called me one day from Mont, County jail and asked me to get his wallet and car to bail him out, I call Marie to find out what is going on. She claims that my dad hit her (I don't know if it was the truth or not). She goes to look for his wallet in his car and it's gone. Well, now some more truth comes out Maire had a guy there we will call him Jacob. He was the one who called the police after Marie hit my dad and said he hit her. So he left after the police took dad. Now Marie claims she doesn't know what happened with my dad's wallet but there was proof that Jacob was at an ATM taking money out which we all know can only be done with a pin. But Marie doesn't know how he got the pin number. So once he got out of jail I made sure he didn't lose his job. He wasn't allowed back at that house so I brought him to my home. Because of where I live he could only stay for 2 weeks so I had another place lined up for him after the 2 weeks were up. Well, a week in he went to Maire. Now it was around Valentine's day and my dad calls me and says that Marie choked him and she called the police. The police told him he had to leave so what do I do? I go get him. Bring him to my home again and have a place set up for when 2 weeks are up. He doesn't have his car or a way anywhere so he was using my car. A few days after he is at my house he gets a message from Marie that his car was repoed. Great another problem so he keeps using my car for the time being while I am trying to line up another vehicle for him. He is where it all goes downhill. I was on the phone with Jessie and I came back in from having a cigarette and he flips out on me. "You Better not be talking to who the fuck I think you are," I told Jessie I would call her back and once I'm off the phone he accuses me of trying to get him back together with Jessie (No way in hell would I do that) and he looks me dead in my eyes flipped me off and said FUCK YOU FUCK YOU. It was the night of the super bowl. I got close and whispered to him get the fuck out of my house (I didn't want to upset my son). I took my son and locked us in my room. He left after the super bowl and walked all the way to Marie's house which is a 40 Minute's drive. The last time I heard from him was Marie texting me from his phone saying never to contact him again or he would change his number. I didn't even respond. I had nothing to say. I saved him twice and was told fuck you both times. Since I have quit talking to him I am getting a lot of backlash from his mom and her saying it's wrong I'm not letting my son go with them alone. I'm sorry that will not happen. I told them if they wanted to see my son they could meet at my cousins' house and they didn't want that, they wanted him alone and that isn't gonna happen. I know Im keeping my son safe but I still feel a little guilty. I guess Im wondering if I am wrong for cutting him out of our lives...

Is he rich or did he blow up? I need to know!

So to let y’all know in advance I’m in Washington. Seattle specifically. So I took a day off from work on Wednesday the 22nd to go do an interview to become a county park ranger,(fingers crossed) well the day before my manager told me that because I gave my shift to someone else to get coverage it would put me below 35 hours that week. I’m a full time employee so I typically work anywhere from 35-40 hours a week.
Anyway she tells me I have to either use my PTO for that day or I need to pick up an extra shift to stay above 35 hours to be considered full time. I don’t receive any benefits from my job by choice because I’m lucky enough to have a father who will still help me until my forced off his insurance. So I put in that PTO request and of course I was told that because of how last minute my request is it won’t get approved and she said I had to take one of the other shifts…so to not argue I took it.
Later the next day during the extra shift I took my manager straight up quit to go back to Utah leaving me and one other lead in charge of the whole department. The following Monday I was sent an email from our Executive Director that my pto was approved so I went to ask if it would be logged as overtime because I worked 40 hours already. They said no…
So here’s my question are they allowed to do this? Even if I don’t get money I would at least like my pto back.

Today 2023 I am 4 years into my recovery. I spent a lot of time covering and burying these feelings of neglect, hurt, loneliness, and hate for myself. I was addicted to crack/cocaine, I did cocaine before crack and almost hated it, it gave me the worst sinus infection and I eventually switched to meth. I was that kind of addict that could have died from the lifestyle alone. I traded my morals, self respect and care for anything I ever loved for one more hit. I failed rehab 3 times and did a little time in county. I was the only girl in county jail with the charge "prostitution." I look back now and I realize that the rehab time and all that bull shit was not for me to get better, if we are being honest if I recall one of the only reasons I went was to get out of the cold or because I had nowhere else to go. I wanted to get better but I knew deep down that I wasn't done with drugs, I admit everytime I walked into those doors of treatment my heart was not 100% on stopping drugs. I did try a few times to figure out why I turned to drugs and what was my deep core issue that I was covering up. This story explains finally why I am the way I am. Why I slept with over 20 guys by the time I was 15, including a married man. Now you can say what you want about me but I believe I was looking for love and affection. My innocence was taken from me at a very very young age and the influence I grew up around was not ideal for a kid. My mom and dad were young when they had me and now I know they got married because mom got pregnant, I think she was 19. My dad drank ALOT and he could get mentally, emotionally and physically abusive, if he got enough in him or drank whiskey. Dad has a big heart and I'm his only daughter, he is kind, generous, and a good dad.
I took a lot of time in rehab to try to uncover my issues and try to heal but I got scared and ran every time. This time was different. In 2019 I was left by a guy I depended on, we were both homeless and my stuff was in his truck. One night he decided he wasn't gonna pick me up after work and it left me no choice but to do whatever I could to survive these streets. I needed to put my ducks in a row. By the time I realized he wasn't coming it was 10pm, I needed to find a bed, food, shower maybe, and more drugs to barter with. I ran the streets for almost 2 weeks alone with no help or someone to lean on. When I met Mel, I was looking rough, I had bruises all up and down my arms and legs, I was 90lbs, I haven't eaten in a day or two, and the best part I had the clothes on my back and maybe one more outfit in my bag. I had no underwear, one bra, like no socks, it was truly ridiculous. I lost everything I ever loved and owned 2ce over. I was Finally tired, finally just done.
I met Mel in April of 2019, he was appalled when he realized how much I had lost and I still don't know what his true intentions were, maybe it was to help me or maybe it was to get in my pants, whatever it was I'm glad it happened. I got clean with Mels love and support, no rehab, no NA or AA, I was done and I knew I had to stop or I was gonna die.
These past 4 years I left state with Mel, we traveled for a bit and in this time I got to really think about what happened to me and why. It took some time for me to trust Mel and not think he was gonna leave in another state or somewhere stranded, he never did. I had nightmares, flashbacks, and bursts of anger for the first year. I really had to push through but I decided to write this story to maybe help someone that went through something similar.
I was in a relationship with a 31 yr old when I was 12-13 years old.
A little back story: When I was growing up my dad was a carefree kind and just a free spirit. He was a functional alcoholic, he would get off work and drink anywhere from a half gallon to a whole gallon of vodka a night and get up at 6am and go to work. My mom and dad got divorced when I was young so I was passed back and forth but my dads was my favorite. I was allowed to do whatever I wanted and as a teenager I took advantage of that. Dad had a lot of friends and they drank too. Dad was close to his brother and he had a few real close friends who were around everyday of my childhood for as long as I can remember. The one in particular I will never forget. I was young, I mean like maybe 7-8 when (let's call him Jim) I met Jim. He was young, good looking and had been friends with dad from work. Jim and another one of dads friends lived together so they all started hanging out at my house. I had a friend over and she was a little older that day when Jim first came to my house. She was curious about him and I don't remember much about that day but I do recall Jim laying his head on her lap while she played with his hair. She gave him those flirty eyes and they sat there and talked. Remind you even though Jim was in his late 20s and my friend was maybe 12-13 at the time. Not long after I met Jim he got into some trouble and was sent to prison for a few years.
Fast Forward>>>>>
I was 11 when I found a letter from Jim to my dad. I wasn't sure if I was even allowed to read it but I opened it up and read it anyway. I will never forget the letters that formed the word "tell wild child I said hi." I don't know why I got curious, I actually don't even know what I was thinking. I spent days thinking of the letter, I guess I was lonely, I had to have felt some type of emptiness to write him back. I was 11 writing a grown ass man in prison for pulling out a gun on some guys who robbed him. Me and Jim talked about everything, he became my best friend really quick. I don't know why but I felt comfortable talking to him and telling him things that were happening with me, my friends, my boyfriend, and my family. He talked about his wife and 2 boys, he gave advice and was just very sweet, acted like he understood me and was very genuine. I now see as an adult he was manipulating me as a child but that little girl was craving for attention. We got to know each other, we talked all the way up to the day me and my dad and my friend were with us pulled up to the house after school and there Jim was sitting on our porch, just chilling. Thats when things got confusing and fucked up. I hate telling this story. It is so hard for me to realize what he was doing to me the whole time..
I don't really wanna get into the specifics. Um.. we Got close when he got out, He touched me multiple times, and also touched my friends. He gave me a ring at one point, Jim was 31 years old and I was 13 years old. It wasn't right and I hate that it went on as long as it did. He would kiss me when my dad wasn't around and tell me he loved me. Until the night it all ended. My friend came over while Jim was there I had a boyfriend over and supposedly Jim raped her when I wasnt in the room. There were hickeys on her neck and she was partying and drinking like a rockstar when I left her. I still have no idea what happened that night we even remained friends for a long time after and she never talked about it. I confessed to her that he was doing the same shit to me as he had been touching me for almost a year. She eventually did go to the police that night and she told them about me and everything that was happening. The police charged Jim with 2 counts of sexual imposition with a minor and 1 count rape he got 6 years. I always felt so guilty for sending him to prison, I hated that I had to tell I was ashamed of what he did to me but I was a child. When Jim had 6 months left in his sentence he killed himself in prison. I still don't know if that is true, how he died but I have had to go through years of trying to accept this in my past and live life to the fullest everyday without the reminder of what Jim did to me. I still can't tell you how it affected me, I guess it did in all kinds of ways and me wanting the attention in the first place makes me wonder. Growing up with my father letting me do whatever I wanted mainly because he only had my part time and I didnt think he ever wanted to be "the bad guy". He was more of a friend to me and when he drank too much it could turn bad quick. All of it is in the past and I have tried my whole life to forgive myself for my part in his death. I wanted to tell some of my story. it goes farther than this but i needed to get it out into the world.
I want to make this clear, my dad was an addict/alcoholic. He did the best he could with what he was given, even though he was asleep during this event and many others, he was clueless but now looking back as a recovering addict that it wasn't my dads fault. We trusted this man, he was a close family friend for many many years. We never thought that he would target 3 teenage girls. I thought the man really cared about me and I believed what he told me.
Years later I changed schools my sophomore year and was in a small class with 2 girls and this geeky guy. (This was the year I found out Jim died) One of the girls, lets call her Ashley was telling our science teacher how her nephews dad was in prison and had just died, he was in the for 6 years for rape. She said that the girl lied and it was sad that her nephew had to lose his dad, she said that her Aunt Jims kids mom was distraught and in shock he could ever do the things he was accused of. I knew she was talking about me, I kept it to myself. What happened happened, I can't change a thing.
This is me moving on and not being afraid to face any fear because I faced my biggest one. I will never stop healing but I can finally move on and let go. So Goodbye Jim.

Today 2023 I am 4 years into my recovery. I spent a lot of time covering and burying these feelings of neglect, hurt, loneliness, and hate for myself. I was addicted to crack/cocaine, I did cocaine before crack and almost hated it, it gave me the worst sinus infection and I eventually switched to meth. I was that kind of addict that could have died from the lifestyle alone. I traded my morals, self respect and care for anything I ever loved for one more hit. I failed rehab 3 times and did a little time in county. I was the only girl in county jail with the charge "prostitution." I look back now and I realize that the rehab time and all that bull shit was not for me to get better, if we are being honest if I recall one of the only reasons I went was to get out of the cold or because I had nowhere else to go. I wanted to get better but I knew deep down that I wasn't done with drugs, I admit everytime I walked into those doors of treatment my heart was not 100% on stopping drugs. I did try a few times to figure out why I turned to drugs and what was my deep core issue that I was covering up. This story explains finally why I am the way I am. Why I slept with over 20 guys by the time I was 15, including a married man. Now you can say what you want about me but I believe I was looking for love and affection. My innocence was taken from me at a very very young age and the influence I grew up around was not ideal for a kid. My mom and dad were young when they had me and now I know they got married because mom got pregnant, I think she was 19. My dad drank ALOT and he could get mentally, emotionally and physically abusive, if he got enough in him or drank whiskey. Dad has a big heart and I'm his only daughter, he is kind, generous, and a good dad.
I took a lot of time in rehab to try to uncover my issues and try to heal but I got scared and ran every time. This time was different. In 2019 I was left by a guy I depended on, we were both homeless and my stuff was in his truck. One night he decided he wasn't gonna pick me up after work and it left me no choice but to do whatever I could to survive these streets. I needed to put my ducks in a row. By the time I realized he wasn't coming it was 10pm, I needed to find a bed, food, shower maybe, and more drugs to barter with. I ran the streets for almost 2 weeks alone with no help or someone to lean on. When I met Mel, I was looking rough, I had bruises all up and down my arms and legs, I was 90lbs, I haven't eaten in a day or two, and the best part I had the clothes on my back and maybe one more outfit in my bag. I had no underwear, one bra, like no socks, it was truly ridiculous. I lost everything I ever loved and owned 2ce over. I was Finally tired, finally just done.
I met Mel in April of 2019, he was appalled when he realized how much I had lost and I still don't know what his true intentions were, maybe it was to help me or maybe it was to get in my pants, whatever it was I'm glad it happened. I got clean with Mels love and support, no rehab, no NA or AA, I was done and I knew I had to stop or I was gonna die.
These past 4 years I left state with Mel, we traveled for a bit and in this time I got to really think about what happened to me and why. It took some time for me to trust Mel and not think he was gonna leave in another state or somewhere stranded, he never did. I had nightmares, flashbacks, and bursts of anger for the first year. I really had to push through but I decided to write this story to maybe help someone that went through something similar.
I was in a relationship with a 31 yr old when I was 12-13 years old.
A little back story: When I was growing up my dad was a carefree kind and just a free spirit. He was a functional alcoholic, he would get off work and drink anywhere from a half gallon to a whole gallon of vodka a night and get up at 6am and go to work. My mom and dad got divorced when I was young so I was passed back and forth but my dads was my favorite. I was allowed to do whatever I wanted and as a teenager I took advantage of that. Dad had a lot of friends and they drank too. Dad was close to his brother and he had a few real close friends who were around everyday of my childhood for as long as I can remember. The one in particular I will never forget. I was young, I mean like maybe 7-8 when (let's call him Jim) I met Jim. He was young, good looking and had been friends with dad from work. Jim and another one of dads friends lived together so they all started hanging out at my house. I had a friend over and she was a little older that day when Jim first came to my house. She was curious about him and I don't remember much about that day but I do recall Jim laying his head on her lap while she played with his hair. She gave him those flirty eyes and they sat there and talked. Remind you even though Jim was in his late 20s and my friend was maybe 12-13 at the time. Not long after I met Jim he got into some trouble and was sent to prison for a few years.
Fast Forward>>>>>
I was 11 when I found a letter from Jim to my dad. I wasn't sure if I was even allowed to read it but I opened it up and read it anyway. I will never forget the letters that formed the word "tell wild child I said hi." I don't know why I got curious, I actually don't even know what I was thinking. I spent days thinking of the letter, I guess I was lonely, I had to have felt some type of emptiness to write him back. I was 11 writing a grown ass man in prison for pulling out a gun on some guys who robbed him. Me and Jim talked about everything, he became my best friend really quick. I don't know why but I felt comfortable talking to him and telling him things that were happening with me, my friends, my boyfriend, and my family. He talked about his wife and 2 boys, he gave advice and was just very sweet, acted like he understood me and was very genuine. I now see as an adult he was manipulating me as a child but that little girl was craving for attention. We got to know each other, we talked all the way up to the day me and my dad and my friend were with us pulled up to the house after school and there Jim was sitting on our porch, just chilling. Thats when things got confusing and fucked up. I hate telling this story. It is so hard for me to realize what he was doing to me the whole time..
I don't really wanna get into the specifics. Um.. we Got close when he got out, He touched me multiple times, and also touched my friends. He gave me a ring at one point, Jim was 31 years old and I was 13 years old. It wasn't right and I hate that it went on as long as it did. He would kiss me when my dad wasn't around and tell me he loved me. Until the night it all ended. My friend came over while Jim was there I had a boyfriend over and supposedly Jim raped her when I wasnt in the room. There were hickeys on her neck and she was partying and drinking like a rockstar when I left her. I still have no idea what happened that night we even remained friends for a long time after and she never talked about it. I confessed to her that he was doing the same shit to me as he had been touching me for almost a year. She eventually did go to the police that night and she told them about me and everything that was happening. The police charged Jim with 2 counts of sexual imposition with a minor and 1 count rape he got 6 years. I always felt so guilty for sending him to prison, I hated that I had to tell I was ashamed of what he did to me but I was a child. When Jim had 6 months left in his sentence he killed himself in prison. I still don't know if that is true, how he died but I have had to go through years of trying to accept this in my past and live life to the fullest everyday without the reminder of what Jim did to me. I still can't tell you how it affected me, I guess it did in all kinds of ways and me wanting the attention in the first place makes me wonder. Growing up with my father letting me do whatever I wanted mainly because he only had my part time and I didnt think he ever wanted to be "the bad guy". He was more of a friend to me and when he drank too much it could turn bad quick. All of it is in the past and I have tried my whole life to forgive myself for my part in his death. I wanted to tell some of my story. it goes farther than this but i needed to get it out into the world.
I want to make this clear, my dad was an addict/alcoholic. He did the best he could with what he was given, even though he was asleep during this event and many others, he was clueless but now looking back as a recovering addict that it wasn't my dads fault. We trusted this man, he was a close family friend for many many years. We never thought that he would target 3 teenage girls. I thought the man really cared about me and I believed what he told me.
Years later I changed schools my sophomore year and was in a small class with 2 girls and this geeky guy. (This was the year I found out Jim died) One of the girls, lets call her Ashley was telling our science teacher how her nephews dad was in prison and had just died, he was in the for 6 years for rape. She said that the girl lied and it was sad that her nephew had to lose his dad, she said that her Aunt Jims kids mom was distraught and in shock he could ever do the things he was accused of. I knew she was talking about me, I kept it to myself. What happened happened, I can't change a thing.
This is me moving on and not being afraid to face any fear because I faced my biggest one. I will never stop healing but I can finally move on and let go. So Goodbye Jim.

Today 2023 I am 4 years into my recovery. I spent a lot of time covering and burying these feelings of neglect, hurt, loneliness, and hate for myself. I was addicted to crack/cocaine, I did cocaine before crack and almost hated it, it gave me the worst sinus infection and I eventually switched to meth. I was that kind of addict that could have died from the lifestyle alone. I traded my morals, self respect and care for anything I ever loved for one more hit. I failed rehab 3 times and did a little time in county. I was the only girl in county jail with the charge "prostitution." I look back now and I realize that the rehab time and all that bull shit was not for me to get better, if we are being honest if I recall one of the only reasons I went was to get out of the cold or because I had nowhere else to go. I wanted to get better but I knew deep down that I wasn't done with drugs, I admit everytime I walked into those doors of treatment my heart was not 100% on stopping drugs. I did try a few times to figure out why I turned to drugs and what was my deep core issue that I was covering up. This story explains finally why I am the way I am. Why I slept with over 20 guys by the time I was 15, including a married man. Now you can say what you want about me but I believe I was looking for love and affection. My innocence was taken from me at a very very young age and the influence I grew up around was not ideal for a kid. My mom and dad were young when they had me and now I know they got married because mom got pregnant, I think she was 19. My dad drank ALOT and he could get mentally, emotionally and physically abusive, if he got enough in him or drank whiskey. Dad has a big heart and I'm his only daughter, he is kind, generous, and a good dad.
I took a lot of time in rehab to try to uncover my issues and try to heal but I got scared and ran every time. This time was different. In 2019 I was left by a guy I depended on, we were both homeless and my stuff was in his truck. One night he decided he wasn't gonna pick me up after work and it left me no choice but to do whatever I could to survive these streets. I needed to put my ducks in a row. By the time I realized he wasn't coming it was 10pm, I needed to find a bed, food, shower maybe, and more drugs to barter with. I ran the streets for almost 2 weeks alone with no help or someone to lean on. When I met Mel, I was looking rough, I had bruises all up and down my arms and legs, I was 90lbs, I haven't eaten in a day or two, and the best part I had the clothes on my back and maybe one more outfit in my bag. I had no underwear, one bra, like no socks, it was truly ridiculous. I lost everything I ever loved and owned 2ce over. I was Finally tired, finally just done.
I met Mel in April of 2019, he was appalled when he realized how much I had lost and I still don't know what his true intentions were, maybe it was to help me or maybe it was to get in my pants, whatever it was I'm glad it happened. I got clean with Mels love and support, no rehab, no NA or AA, I was done and I knew I had to stop or I was gonna die.
These past 4 years I left state with Mel, we traveled for a bit and in this time I got to really think about what happened to me and why. It took some time for me to trust Mel and not think he was gonna leave in another state or somewhere stranded, he never did. I had nightmares, flashbacks, and bursts of anger for the first year. I really had to push through but I decided to write this story to maybe help someone that went through something similar.
I was in a relationship with a 31 yr old when I was 12-13 years old.
A little back story: When I was growing up my dad was a carefree kind and just a free spirit. He was a functional alcoholic, he would get off work and drink anywhere from a half gallon to a whole gallon of vodka a night and get up at 6am and go to work. My mom and dad got divorced when I was young so I was passed back and forth but my dads was my favorite. I was allowed to do whatever I wanted and as a teenager I took advantage of that. Dad had a lot of friends and they drank too. Dad was close to his brother and he had a few real close friends who were around everyday of my childhood for as long as I can remember. The one in particular I will never forget. I was young, I mean like maybe 7-8 when (let's call him Jim) I met Jim. He was young, good looking and had been friends with dad from work. Jim and another one of dads friends lived together so they all started hanging out at my house. I had a friend over and she was a little older that day when Jim first came to my house. She was curious about him and I don't remember much about that day but I do recall Jim laying his head on her lap while she played with his hair. She gave him those flirty eyes and they sat there and talked. Remind you even though Jim was in his late 20s and my friend was maybe 12-13 at the time. Not long after I met Jim he got into some trouble and was sent to prison for a few years.
Fast Forward>>>>>
I was 11 when I found a letter from Jim to my dad. I wasn't sure if I was even allowed to read it but I opened it up and read it anyway. I will never forget the letters that formed the word "tell wild child I said hi." I don't know why I got curious, I actually don't even know what I was thinking. I spent days thinking of the letter, I guess I was lonely, I had to have felt some type of emptiness to write him back. I was 11 writing a grown ass man in prison for pulling out a gun on some guys who robbed him. Me and Jim talked about everything, he became my best friend really quick. I don't know why but I felt comfortable talking to him and telling him things that were happening with me, my friends, my boyfriend, and my family. He talked about his wife and 2 boys, he gave advice and was just very sweet, acted like he understood me and was very genuine. I now see as an adult he was manipulating me as a child but that little girl was craving for attention. We got to know each other, we talked all the way up to the day me and my dad and my friend were with us pulled up to the house after school and there Jim was sitting on our porch, just chilling. Thats when things got confusing and fucked up. I hate telling this story. It is so hard for me to realize what he was doing to me the whole time..
I don't really wanna get into the specifics. Um.. we Got close when he got out, He touched me multiple times, and also touched my friends. He gave me a ring at one point, Jim was 31 years old and I was 13 years old. It wasn't right and I hate that it went on as long as it did. He would kiss me when my dad wasn't around and tell me he loved me. Until the night it all ended. My friend came over while Jim was there I had a boyfriend over and supposedly Jim raped her when I wasnt in the room. There were hickeys on her neck and she was partying and drinking like a rockstar when I left her. I still have no idea what happened that night we even remained friends for a long time after and she never talked about it. I confessed to her that he was doing the same shit to me as he had been touching me for almost a year. She eventually did go to the police that night and she told them about me and everything that was happening. The police charged Jim with 2 counts of sexual imposition with a minor and 1 count rape he got 6 years. I always felt so guilty for sending him to prison, I hated that I had to tell I was ashamed of what he did to me but I was a child. When Jim had 6 months left in his sentence he killed himself in prison. I still don't know if that is true, how he died but I have had to go through years of trying to accept this in my past and live life to the fullest everyday without the reminder of what Jim did to me. I still can't tell you how it affected me, I guess it did in all kinds of ways and me wanting the attention in the first place makes me wonder. Growing up with my father letting me do whatever I wanted mainly because he only had my part time and I didnt think he ever wanted to be "the bad guy". He was more of a friend to me and when he drank too much it could turn bad quick. All of it is in the past and I have tried my whole life to forgive myself for my part in his death. I wanted to tell some of my story. it goes farther than this but i needed to get it out into the world.
I want to make this clear, my dad was an addict/alcoholic. He did the best he could with what he was given, even though he was asleep during this event and many others, he was clueless but now looking back as a recovering addict that it wasn't my dads fault. We trusted this man, he was a close family friend for many many years. We never thought that he would target 3 teenage girls. I thought the man really cared about me and I believed what he told me.
Years later I changed schools my sophomore year and was in a small class with 2 girls and this geeky guy. (This was the year I found out Jim died) One of the girls, lets call her Ashley was telling our science teacher how her nephews dad was in prison and had just died, he was in the for 6 years for rape. She said that the girl lied and it was sad that her nephew had to lose his dad, she said that her Aunt Jims kids mom was distraught and in shock he could ever do the things he was accused of. I knew she was talking about me, I kept it to myself. What happened happened, I can't change a thing.
This is me moving on and not being afraid to face any fear because I faced my biggest one. I will never stop healing but I can finally move on and let go. So Goodbye Jim.

Today 2023 I am 4 years into my recovery. I spent a lot of time covering and burying these feelings of neglect, hurt, loneliness, and hate for myself. I was addicted to crack/cocaine, I did cocaine before crack and almost hated it, it gave me the worst sinus infection and I eventually switched to meth. I was that kind of addict that could have died from the lifestyle alone. I traded my morals, self respect and care for anything I ever loved for one more hit. I failed rehab 3 times and did a little time in county. I was the only girl in county jail with the charge "prostitution." I look back now and I realize that the rehab time and all that bull shit was not for me to get better, if we are being honest if I recall one of the only reasons I went was to get out of the cold or because I had nowhere else to go. I wanted to get better but I knew deep down that I wasn't done with drugs, I admit everytime I walked into those doors of treatment my heart was not 100% on stopping drugs. I did try a few times to figure out why I turned to drugs and what was my deep core issue that I was covering up. This story explains finally why I am the way I am. Why I slept with over 20 guys by the time I was 15, including a married man. Now you can say what you want about me but I believe I was looking for love and affection. My innocence was taken from me at a very very young age and the influence I grew up around was not ideal for a kid. My mom and dad were young when they had me and now I know they got married because mom got pregnant, I think she was 19. My dad drank ALOT and he could get mentally, emotionally and physically abusive, if he got enough in him or drank whiskey. Dad has a big heart and I'm his only daughter, he is kind, generous, and a good dad.
I took a lot of time in rehab to try to uncover my issues and try to heal but I got scared and ran every time. This time was different. In 2019 I was left by a guy I depended on, we were both homeless and my stuff was in his truck. One night he decided he wasn't gonna pick me up after work and it left me no choice but to do whatever I could to survive these streets. I needed to put my ducks in a row. By the time I realized he wasn't coming it was 10pm, I needed to find a bed, food, shower maybe, and more drugs to barter with. I ran the streets for almost 2 weeks alone with no help or someone to lean on. When I met Mel, I was looking rough, I had bruises all up and down my arms and legs, I was 90lbs, I haven't eaten in a day or two, and the best part I had the clothes on my back and maybe one more outfit in my bag. I had no underwear, one bra, like no socks, it was truly ridiculous. I lost everything I ever loved and owned 2ce over. I was Finally tired, finally just done.
I met Mel in April of 2019, he was appalled when he realized how much I had lost and I still don't know what his true intentions were, maybe it was to help me or maybe it was to get in my pants, whatever it was I'm glad it happened. I got clean with Mels love and support, no rehab, no NA or AA, I was done and I knew I had to stop or I was gonna die.
These past 4 years I left state with Mel, we traveled for a bit and in this time I got to really think about what happened to me and why. It took some time for me to trust Mel and not think he was gonna leave in another state or somewhere stranded, he never did. I had nightmares, flashbacks, and bursts of anger for the first year. I really had to push through but I decided to write this story to maybe help someone that went through something similar.
I was in a relationship with a 31 yr old when I was 12-13 years old.
A little back story: When I was growing up my dad was a carefree kind and just a free spirit. He was a functional alcoholic, he would get off work and drink anywhere from a half gallon to a whole gallon of vodka a night and get up at 6am and go to work. My mom and dad got divorced when I was young so I was passed back and forth but my dads was my favorite. I was allowed to do whatever I wanted and as a teenager I took advantage of that. Dad had a lot of friends and they drank too. Dad was close to his brother and he had a few real close friends who were around everyday of my childhood for as long as I can remember. The one in particular I will never forget. I was young, I mean like maybe 7-8 when (let's call him Jim) I met Jim. He was young, good looking and had been friends with dad from work. Jim and another one of dads friends lived together so they all started hanging out at my house. I had a friend over and she was a little older that day when Jim first came to my house. She was curious about him and I don't remember much about that day but I do recall Jim laying his head on her lap while she played with his hair. She gave him those flirty eyes and they sat there and talked. Remind you even though Jim was in his late 20s and my friend was maybe 12-13 at the time. Not long after I met Jim he got into some trouble and was sent to prison for a few years.
Fast Forward>>>>>
I was 11 when I found a letter from Jim to my dad. I wasn't sure if I was even allowed to read it but I opened it up and read it anyway. I will never forget the letters that formed the word "tell wild child I said hi." I don't know why I got curious, I actually don't even know what I was thinking. I spent days thinking of the letter, I guess I was lonely, I had to have felt some type of emptiness to write him back. I was 11 writing a grown ass man in prison for pulling out a gun on some guys who robbed him. Me and Jim talked about everything, he became my best friend really quick. I don't know why but I felt comfortable talking to him and telling him things that were happening with me, my friends, my boyfriend, and my family. He talked about his wife and 2 boys, he gave advice and was just very sweet, acted like he understood me and was very genuine. I now see as an adult he was manipulating me as a child but that little girl was craving for attention. We got to know each other, we talked all the way up to the day me and my dad and my friend were with us pulled up to the house after school and there Jim was sitting on our porch, just chilling. Thats when things got confusing and fucked up. I hate telling this story. It is so hard for me to realize what he was doing to me the whole time..
I don't really wanna get into the specifics. Um.. we Got close when he got out, He touched me multiple times, and also touched my friends. He gave me a ring at one point, Jim was 31 years old and I was 13 years old. It wasn't right and I hate that it went on as long as it did. He would kiss me when my dad wasn't around and tell me he loved me. Until the night it all ended. My friend came over while Jim was there I had a boyfriend over and supposedly Jim raped her when I wasnt in the room. There were hickeys on her neck and she was partying and drinking like a rockstar when I left her. I still have no idea what happened that night we even remained friends for a long time after and she never talked about it. I confessed to her that he was doing the same shit to me as he had been touching me for almost a year. She eventually did go to the police that night and she told them about me and everything that was happening. The police charged Jim with 2 counts of sexual imposition with a minor and 1 count rape he got 6 years. I always felt so guilty for sending him to prison, I hated that I had to tell I was ashamed of what he did to me but I was a child. When Jim had 6 months left in his sentence he killed himself in prison. I still don't know if that is true, how he died but I have had to go through years of trying to accept this in my past and live life to the fullest everyday without the reminder of what Jim did to me. I still can't tell you how it affected me, I guess it did in all kinds of ways and me wanting the attention in the first place makes me wonder. Growing up with my father letting me do whatever I wanted mainly because he only had my part time and I didnt think he ever wanted to be "the bad guy". He was more of a friend to me and when he drank too much it could turn bad quick. All of it is in the past and I have tried my whole life to forgive myself for my part in his death. I wanted to tell some of my story. it goes farther than this but i needed to get it out into the world.
I want to make this clear, my dad was an addict/alcoholic. He did the best he could with what he was given, even though he was asleep during this event and many others, he was clueless but now looking back as a recovering addict that it wasn't my dads fault. We trusted this man, he was a close family friend for many many years. We never thought that he would target 3 teenage girls. I thought the man really cared about me and I believed what he told me.
Years later I changed schools my sophomore year and was in a small class with 2 girls and this geeky guy. (This was the year I found out Jim died) One of the girls, lets call her Ashley was telling our science teacher how her nephews dad was in prison and had just died, he was in the for 6 years for rape. She said that the girl lied and it was sad that her nephew had to lose his dad, she said that her Aunt Jims kids mom was distraught and in shock he could ever do the things he was accused of. I knew she was talking about me, I kept it to myself. What happened happened, I can't change a thing.
This is me moving on and not being afraid to face any fear because I faced my biggest one. I will never stop healing but I can finally move on and let go. So Goodbye Jim.

Today 2023 I am 4 years into my recovery. I spent a lot of time covering and burying these feelings of neglect, hurt, loneliness, and hate for myself. I was addicted to crack/cocaine, I did cocaine before crack and almost hated it, it gave me the worst sinus infection and I eventually switched to meth. I was that kind of addict that could have died from the lifestyle alone. I traded my morals, self respect and care for anything I ever loved for one more hit. I failed rehab 3 times and did a little time in county. I was the only girl in county jail with the charge "prostitution." I look back now and I realize that the rehab time and all that bull shit was not for me to get better, if we are being honest if I recall one of the only reasons I went was to get out of the cold or because I had nowhere else to go. I wanted to get better but I knew deep down that I wasn't done with drugs, I admit everytime I walked into those doors of treatment my heart was not 100% on stopping drugs. I did try a few times to figure out why I turned to drugs and what was my deep core issue that I was covering up. This story explains finally why I am the way I am. Why I slept with over 20 guys by the time I was 15, including a married man. Now you can say what you want about me but I believe I was looking for love and affection. My innocence was taken from me at a very very young age and the influence I grew up around was not ideal for a kid. My mom and dad were young when they had me and now I know they got married because mom got pregnant, I think she was 19. My dad drank ALOT and he could get mentally, emotionally and physically abusive, if he got enough in him or drank whiskey. Dad has a big heart and I'm his only daughter, he is kind, generous, and a good dad.
I took a lot of time in rehab to try to uncover my issues and try to heal but I got scared and ran every time. This time was different. In 2019 I was left by a guy I depended on, we were both homeless and my stuff was in his truck. One night he decided he wasn't gonna pick me up after work and it left me no choice but to do whatever I could to survive these streets. I needed to put my ducks in a row. By the time I realized he wasn't coming it was 10pm, I needed to find a bed, food, shower maybe, and more drugs to barter with. I ran the streets for almost 2 weeks alone with no help or someone to lean on. When I met Mel, I was looking rough, I had bruises all up and down my arms and legs, I was 90lbs, I haven't eaten in a day or two, and the best part I had the clothes on my back and maybe one more outfit in my bag. I had no underwear, one bra, like no socks, it was truly ridiculous. I lost everything I ever loved and owned 2ce over. I was Finally tired, finally just done.
I met Mel in April of 2019, he was appalled when he realized how much I had lost and I still don't know what his true intentions were, maybe it was to help me or maybe it was to get in my pants, whatever it was I'm glad it happened. I got clean with Mels love and support, no rehab, no NA or AA, I was done and I knew I had to stop or I was gonna die.
These past 4 years I left state with Mel, we traveled for a bit and in this time I got to really think about what happened to me and why. It took some time for me to trust Mel and not think he was gonna leave in another state or somewhere stranded, he never did. I had nightmares, flashbacks, and bursts of anger for the first year. I really had to push through but I decided to write this story to maybe help someone that went through something similar.
I was in a relationship with a 31 yr old when I was 12-13 years old.
A little back story: When I was growing up my dad was a carefree kind and just a free spirit. He was a functional alcoholic, he would get off work and drink anywhere from a half gallon to a whole gallon of vodka a night and get up at 6am and go to work. My mom and dad got divorced when I was young so I was passed back and forth but my dads was my favorite. I was allowed to do whatever I wanted and as a teenager I took advantage of that. Dad had a lot of friends and they drank too. Dad was close to his brother and he had a few real close friends who were around everyday of my childhood for as long as I can remember. The one in particular I will never forget. I was young, I mean like maybe 7-8 when (let's call him Jim) I met Jim. He was young, good looking and had been friends with dad from work. Jim and another one of dads friends lived together so they all started hanging out at my house. I had a friend over and she was a little older that day when Jim first came to my house. She was curious about him and I don't remember much about that day but I do recall Jim laying his head on her lap while she played with his hair. She gave him those flirty eyes and they sat there and talked. Remind you even though Jim was in his late 20s and my friend was maybe 12-13 at the time. Not long after I met Jim he got into some trouble and was sent to prison for a few years.
Fast Forward>>>>>
I was 11 when I found a letter from Jim to my dad. I wasn't sure if I was even allowed to read it but I opened it up and read it anyway. I will never forget the letters that formed the word "tell wild child I said hi." I don't know why I got curious, I actually don't even know what I was thinking. I spent days thinking of the letter, I guess I was lonely, I had to have felt some type of emptiness to write him back. I was 11 writing a grown ass man in prison for pulling out a gun on some guys who robbed him. Me and Jim talked about everything, he became my best friend really quick. I don't know why but I felt comfortable talking to him and telling him things that were happening with me, my friends, my boyfriend, and my family. He talked about his wife and 2 boys, he gave advice and was just very sweet, acted like he understood me and was very genuine. I now see as an adult he was manipulating me as a child but that little girl was craving for attention. We got to know each other, we talked all the way up to the day me and my dad and my friend were with us pulled up to the house after school and there Jim was sitting on our porch, just chilling. Thats when things got confusing and fucked up. I hate telling this story. It is so hard for me to realize what he was doing to me the whole time..
I don't really wanna get into the specifics. Um.. we Got close when he got out, He touched me multiple times, and also touched my friends. He gave me a ring at one point, Jim was 31 years old and I was 13 years old. It wasn't right and I hate that it went on as long as it did. He would kiss me when my dad wasn't around and tell me he loved me. Until the night it all ended. My friend came over while Jim was there I had a boyfriend over and supposedly Jim raped her when I wasnt in the room. There were hickeys on her neck and she was partying and drinking like a rockstar when I left her. I still have no idea what happened that night we even remained friends for a long time after and she never talked about it. I confessed to her that he was doing the same shit to me as he had been touching me for almost a year. She eventually did go to the police that night and she told them about me and everything that was happening. The police charged Jim with 2 counts of sexual imposition with a minor and 1 count rape he got 6 years. I always felt so guilty for sending him to prison, I hated that I had to tell I was ashamed of what he did to me but I was a child. When Jim had 6 months left in his sentence he killed himself in prison. I still don't know if that is true, how he died but I have had to go through years of trying to accept this in my past and live life to the fullest everyday without the reminder of what Jim did to me. I still can't tell you how it affected me, I guess it did in all kinds of ways and me wanting the attention in the first place makes me wonder. Growing up with my father letting me do whatever I wanted mainly because he only had my part time and I didnt think he ever wanted to be "the bad guy". He was more of a friend to me and when he drank too much it could turn bad quick. All of it is in the past and I have tried my whole life to forgive myself for my part in his death. I wanted to tell some of my story. it goes farther than this but i needed to get it out into the world.
I want to make this clear, my dad was an addict/alcoholic. He did the best he could with what he was given, even though he was asleep during this event and many others, he was clueless but now looking back as a recovering addict that it wasn't my dads fault. We trusted this man, he was a close family friend for many many years. We never thought that he would target 3 teenage girls. I thought the man really cared about me and I believed what he told me.
Years later I changed schools my sophomore year and was in a small class with 2 girls and this geeky guy. (This was the year I found out Jim died) One of the girls, lets call her Ashley was telling our science teacher how her nephews dad was in prison and had just died, he was in the for 6 years for rape. She said that the girl lied and it was sad that her nephew had to lose his dad, she said that her Aunt Jims kids mom was distraught and in shock he could ever do the things he was accused of. I knew she was talking about me, I kept it to myself. What happened happened, I can't change a thing.
This is me moving on and not being afraid to face any fear because I faced my biggest one. I will never stop healing but I can finally move on and let go. So Goodbye Jim.

Today 2023 I am 4 years into my recovery. I spent a lot of time covering and burying these feelings of neglect, hurt, loneliness, and hate for myself. I was addicted to crack/cocaine, I did cocaine before crack and almost hated it, it gave me the worst sinus infection and I eventually switched to meth. I was that kind of addict that could have died from the lifestyle alone. I traded my morals, self respect and care for anything I ever loved for one more hit. I failed rehab 3 times and did a little time in county. I was the only girl in county jail with the charge "prostitution." I look back now and I realize that the rehab time and all that bull shit was not for me to get better, if we are being honest if I recall one of the only reasons I went was to get out of the cold or because I had nowhere else to go. I wanted to get better but I knew deep down that I wasn't done with drugs, I admit everytime I walked into those doors of treatment my heart was not 100% on stopping drugs. I did try a few times to figure out why I turned to drugs and what was my deep core issue that I was covering up. This story explains finally why I am the way I am. Why I slept with over 20 guys by the time I was 15, including a married man. Now you can say what you want about me but I believe I was looking for love and affection. My innocence was taken from me at a very very young age and the influence I grew up around was not ideal for a kid. My mom and dad were young when they had me and now I know they got married because mom got pregnant, I think she was 19. My dad drank ALOT and he could get mentally, emotionally and physically abusive, if he got enough in him or drank whiskey. Dad has a big heart and I'm his only daughter, he is kind, generous, and a good dad.
I took a lot of time in rehab to try to uncover my issues and try to heal but I got scared and ran every time. This time was different. In 2019 I was left by a guy I depended on, we were both homeless and my stuff was in his truck. One night he decided he wasn't gonna pick me up after work and it left me no choice but to do whatever I could to survive these streets. I needed to put my ducks in a row. By the time I realized he wasn't coming it was 10pm, I needed to find a bed, food, shower maybe, and more drugs to barter with. I ran the streets for almost 2 weeks alone with no help or someone to lean on. When I met Mel, I was looking rough, I had bruises all up and down my arms and legs, I was 90lbs, I haven't eaten in a day or two, and the best part I had the clothes on my back and maybe one more outfit in my bag. I had no underwear, one bra, like no socks, it was truly ridiculous. I lost everything I ever loved and owned 2ce over. I was Finally tired, finally just done.
I met Mel in April of 2019, he was appalled when he realized how much I had lost and I still don't know what his true intentions were, maybe it was to help me or maybe it was to get in my pants, whatever it was I'm glad it happened. I got clean with Mels love and support, no rehab, no NA or AA, I was done and I knew I had to stop or I was gonna die.
These past 4 years I left state with Mel, we traveled for a bit and in this time I got to really think about what happened to me and why. It took some time for me to trust Mel and not think he was gonna leave in another state or somewhere stranded, he never did. I had nightmares, flashbacks, and bursts of anger for the first year. I really had to push through but I decided to write this story to maybe help someone that went through something similar.
I was in a relationship with a 31 yr old when I was 12-13 years old.
A little back story: When I was growing up my dad was a carefree kind and just a free spirit. He was a functional alcoholic, he would get off work and drink anywhere from a half gallon to a whole gallon of vodka a night and get up at 6am and go to work. My mom and dad got divorced when I was young so I was passed back and forth but my dads was my favorite. I was allowed to do whatever I wanted and as a teenager I took advantage of that. Dad had a lot of friends and they drank too. Dad was close to his brother and he had a few real close friends who were around everyday of my childhood for as long as I can remember. The one in particular I will never forget. I was young, I mean like maybe 7-8 when (let's call him Jim) I met Jim. He was young, good looking and had been friends with dad from work. Jim and another one of dads friends lived together so they all started hanging out at my house. I had a friend over and she was a little older that day when Jim first came to my house. She was curious about him and I don't remember much about that day but I do recall Jim laying his head on her lap while she played with his hair. She gave him those flirty eyes and they sat there and talked. Remind you even though Jim was in his late 20s and my friend was maybe 12-13 at the time. Not long after I met Jim he got into some trouble and was sent to prison for a few years.
Fast Forward>>>>>
I was 11 when I found a letter from Jim to my dad. I wasn't sure if I was even allowed to read it but I opened it up and read it anyway. I will never forget the letters that formed the word "tell wild child I said hi." I don't know why I got curious, I actually don't even know what I was thinking. I spent days thinking of the letter, I guess I was lonely, I had to have felt some type of emptiness to write him back. I was 11 writing a grown ass man in prison for pulling out a gun on some guys who robbed him. Me and Jim talked about everything, he became my best friend really quick. I don't know why but I felt comfortable talking to him and telling him things that were happening with me, my friends, my boyfriend, and my family. He talked about his wife and 2 boys, he gave advice and was just very sweet, acted like he understood me and was very genuine. I now see as an adult he was manipulating me as a child but that little girl was craving for attention. We got to know each other, we talked all the way up to the day me and my dad and my friend were with us pulled up to the house after school and there Jim was sitting on our porch, just chilling. Thats when things got confusing and fucked up. I hate telling this story. It is so hard for me to realize what he was doing to me the whole time..
I don't really wanna get into the specifics. Um.. we Got close when he got out, He touched me multiple times, and also touched my friends. He gave me a ring at one point, Jim was 31 years old and I was 13 years old. It wasn't right and I hate that it went on as long as it did. He would kiss me when my dad wasn't around and tell me he loved me. Until the night it all ended. My friend came over while Jim was there I had a boyfriend over and supposedly Jim raped her when I wasnt in the room. There were hickeys on her neck and she was partying and drinking like a rockstar when I left her. I still have no idea what happened that night we even remained friends for a long time after and she never talked about it. I confessed to her that he was doing the same shit to me as he had been touching me for almost a year. She eventually did go to the police that night and she told them about me and everything that was happening. The police charged Jim with 2 counts of sexual imposition with a minor and 1 count rape he got 6 years. I always felt so guilty for sending him to prison, I hated that I had to tell I was ashamed of what he did to me but I was a child. When Jim had 6 months left in his sentence he killed himself in prison. I still don't know if that is true, how he died but I have had to go through years of trying to accept this in my past and live life to the fullest everyday without the reminder of what Jim did to me. I still can't tell you how it affected me, I guess it did in all kinds of ways and me wanting the attention in the first place makes me wonder. Growing up with my father letting me do whatever I wanted mainly because he only had my part time and I didnt think he ever wanted to be "the bad guy". He was more of a friend to me and when he drank too much it could turn bad quick. All of it is in the past and I have tried my whole life to forgive myself for my part in his death. I wanted to tell some of my story. it goes farther than this but i needed to get it out into the world.
I want to make this clear, my dad was an addict/alcoholic. He did the best he could with what he was given, even though he was asleep during this event and many others, he was clueless but now looking back as a recovering addict that it wasn't my dads fault. We trusted this man, he was a close family friend for many many years. We never thought that he would target 3 teenage girls. I thought the man really cared about me and I believed what he told me.
Years later I changed schools my sophomore year and was in a small class with 2 girls and this geeky guy. (This was the year I found out Jim died) One of the girls, lets call her Ashley was telling our science teacher how her nephews dad was in prison and had just died, he was in the for 6 years for rape. She said that the girl lied and it was sad that her nephew had to lose his dad, she said that her Aunt Jims kids mom was distraught and in shock he could ever do the things he was accused of. I knew she was talking about me, I kept it to myself. What happened happened, I can't change a thing.
This is me moving on and not being afraid to face any fear because I faced my biggest one. I will never stop healing but I can finally move on and let go. So Goodbye Jim.

Today 2023 I am 4 years into my recovery. I spent a lot of time covering and burying these feelings of neglect, hurt, loneliness, and hate for myself. I was addicted to crack/cocaine, I did cocaine before crack and almost hated it, it gave me the worst sinus infection and I eventually switched to meth. I was that kind of addict that could have died from the lifestyle alone. I traded my morals, self respect and care for anything I ever loved for one more hit. I failed rehab 3 times and did a little time in county. I was the only girl in county jail with the charge "prostitution." I look back now and I realize that the rehab time and all that bull shit was not for me to get better, if we are being honest if I recall one of the only reasons I went was to get out of the cold or because I had nowhere else to go. I wanted to get better but I knew deep down that I wasn't done with drugs, I admit everytime I walked into those doors of treatment my heart was not 100% on stopping drugs. I did try a few times to figure out why I turned to drugs and what was my deep core issue that I was covering up. This story explains finally why I am the way I am. Why I slept with over 20 guys by the time I was 15, including a married man. Now you can say what you want about me but I believe I was looking for love and affection. My innocence was taken from me at a very very young age and the influence I grew up around was not ideal for a kid. My mom and dad were young when they had me and now I know they got married because mom got pregnant, I think she was 19. My dad drank ALOT and he could get mentally, emotionally and physically abusive, if he got enough in him or drank whiskey. Dad has a big heart and I'm his only daughter, he is kind, generous, and a good dad.
I took a lot of time in rehab to try to uncover my issues and try to heal but I got scared and ran every time. This time was different. In 2019 I was left by a guy I depended on, we were both homeless and my stuff was in his truck. One night he decided he wasn't gonna pick me up after work and it left me no choice but to do whatever I could to survive these streets. I needed to put my ducks in a row. By the time I realized he wasn't coming it was 10pm, I needed to find a bed, food, shower maybe, and more drugs to barter with. I ran the streets for almost 2 weeks alone with no help or someone to lean on. When I met Mel, I was looking rough, I had bruises all up and down my arms and legs, I was 90lbs, I haven't eaten in a day or two, and the best part I had the clothes on my back and maybe one more outfit in my bag. I had no underwear, one bra, like no socks, it was truly ridiculous. I lost everything I ever loved and owned 2ce over. I was Finally tired, finally just done.
I met Mel in April of 2019, he was appalled when he realized how much I had lost and I still don't know what his true intentions were, maybe it was to help me or maybe it was to get in my pants, whatever it was I'm glad it happened. I got clean with Mels love and support, no rehab, no NA or AA, I was done and I knew I had to stop or I was gonna die.
These past 4 years I left state with Mel, we traveled for a bit and in this time I got to really think about what happened to me and why. It took some time for me to trust Mel and not think he was gonna leave in another state or somewhere stranded, he never did. I had nightmares, flashbacks, and bursts of anger for the first year. I really had to push through but I decided to write this story to maybe help someone that went through something similar.
I was in a relationship with a 31 yr old when I was 12-13 years old.
A little back story: When I was growing up my dad was a carefree kind and just a free spirit. He was a functional alcoholic, he would get off work and drink anywhere from a half gallon to a whole gallon of vodka a night and get up at 6am and go to work. My mom and dad got divorced when I was young so I was passed back and forth but my dads was my favorite. I was allowed to do whatever I wanted and as a teenager I took advantage of that. Dad had a lot of friends and they drank too. Dad was close to his brother and he had a few real close friends who were around everyday of my childhood for as long as I can remember. The one in particular I will never forget. I was young, I mean like maybe 7-8 when (let's call him Jim) I met Jim. He was young, good looking and had been friends with dad from work. Jim and another one of dads friends lived together so they all started hanging out at my house. I had a friend over and she was a little older that day when Jim first came to my house. She was curious about him and I don't remember much about that day but I do recall Jim laying his head on her lap while she played with his hair. She gave him those flirty eyes and they sat there and talked. Remind you even though Jim was in his late 20s and my friend was maybe 12-13 at the time. Not long after I met Jim he got into some trouble and was sent to prison for a few years.
Fast Forward>>>>>
I was 11 when I found a letter from Jim to my dad. I wasn't sure if I was even allowed to read it but I opened it up and read it anyway. I will never forget the letters that formed the word "tell wild child I said hi." I don't know why I got curious, I actually don't even know what I was thinking. I spent days thinking of the letter, I guess I was lonely, I had to have felt some type of emptiness to write him back. I was 11 writing a grown ass man in prison for pulling out a gun on some guys who robbed him. Me and Jim talked about everything, he became my best friend really quick. I don't know why but I felt comfortable talking to him and telling him things that were happening with me, my friends, my boyfriend, and my family. He talked about his wife and 2 boys, he gave advice and was just very sweet, acted like he understood me and was very genuine. I now see as an adult he was manipulating me as a child but that little girl was craving for attention. We got to know each other, we talked all the way up to the day me and my dad and my friend were with us pulled up to the house after school and there Jim was sitting on our porch, just chilling. Thats when things got confusing and fucked up. I hate telling this story. It is so hard for me to realize what he was doing to me the whole time..
I don't really wanna get into the specifics. Um.. we Got close when he got out, He touched me multiple times, and also touched my friends. He gave me a ring at one point, Jim was 31 years old and I was 13 years old. It wasn't right and I hate that it went on as long as it did. He would kiss me when my dad wasn't around and tell me he loved me. Until the night it all ended. My friend came over while Jim was there I had a boyfriend over and supposedly Jim raped her when I wasnt in the room. There were hickeys on her neck and she was partying and drinking like a rockstar when I left her. I still have no idea what happened that night we even remained friends for a long time after and she never talked about it. I confessed to her that he was doing the same shit to me as he had been touching me for almost a year. She eventually did go to the police that night and she told them about me and everything that was happening. The police charged Jim with 2 counts of sexual imposition with a minor and 1 count rape he got 6 years. I always felt so guilty for sending him to prison, I hated that I had to tell I was ashamed of what he did to me but I was a child. When Jim had 6 months left in his sentence he killed himself in prison. I still don't know if that is true, how he died but I have had to go through years of trying to accept this in my past and live life to the fullest everyday without the reminder of what Jim did to me. I still can't tell you how it affected me, I guess it did in all kinds of ways and me wanting the attention in the first place makes me wonder. Growing up with my father letting me do whatever I wanted mainly because he only had my part time and I didnt think he ever wanted to be "the bad guy". He was more of a friend to me and when he drank too much it could turn bad quick. All of it is in the past and I have tried my whole life to forgive myself for my part in his death. I wanted to tell some of my story. it goes farther than this but i needed to get it out into the world.
I want to make this clear, my dad was an addict/alcoholic. He did the best he could with what he was given, even though he was asleep during this event and many others, he was clueless but now looking back as a recovering addict that it wasn't my dads fault. We trusted this man, he was a close family friend for many many years. We never thought that he would target 3 teenage girls. I thought the man really cared about me and I believed what he told me.
Years later I changed schools my sophomore year and was in a small class with 2 girls and this geeky guy. (This was the year I found out Jim died) One of the girls, lets call her Ashley was telling our science teacher how her nephews dad was in prison and had just died, he was in the for 6 years for rape. She said that the girl lied and it was sad that her nephew had to lose his dad, she said that her Aunt Jims kids mom was distraught and in shock he could ever do the things he was accused of. I knew she was talking about me, I kept it to myself. What happened happened, I can't change a thing.
This is me moving on and not being afraid to face any fear because I faced my biggest one. I will never stop healing but I can finally move on and let go. So Goodbye Jim.

Today 2023 I am 4 years into my recovery. I spent a lot of time covering and burying these feelings of neglect, hurt, loneliness, and hate for myself. I was addicted to crack/cocaine, I did cocaine before crack and almost hated it, it gave me the worst sinus infection and I eventually switched to meth. I was that kind of addict that could have died from the lifestyle alone. I traded my morals, self respect and care for anything I ever loved for one more hit. I failed rehab 3 times and did a little time in county. I was the only girl in county jail with the charge "prostitution." I look back now and I realize that the rehab time and all that bull shit was not for me to get better, if we are being honest if I recall one of the only reasons I went was to get out of the cold or because I had nowhere else to go. I wanted to get better but I knew deep down that I wasn't done with drugs, I admit everytime I walked into those doors of treatment my heart was not 100% on stopping drugs. I did try a few times to figure out why I turned to drugs and what was my deep core issue that I was covering up. This story explains finally why I am the way I am. Why I slept with over 20 guys by the time I was 15, including a married man. Now you can say what you want about me but I believe I was looking for love and affection. My innocence was taken from me at a very very young age and the influence I grew up around was not ideal for a kid. My mom and dad were young when they had me and now I know they got married because mom got pregnant, I think she was 19. My dad drank ALOT and he could get mentally, emotionally and physically abusive, if he got enough in him or drank whiskey. Dad has a big heart and I'm his only daughter, he is kind, generous, and a good dad.
I took a lot of time in rehab to try to uncover my issues and try to heal but I got scared and ran every time. This time was different. In 2019 I was left by a guy I depended on, we were both homeless and my stuff was in his truck. One night he decided he wasn't gonna pick me up after work and it left me no choice but to do whatever I could to survive these streets. I needed to put my ducks in a row. By the time I realized he wasn't coming it was 10pm, I needed to find a bed, food, shower maybe, and more drugs to barter with. I ran the streets for almost 2 weeks alone with no help or someone to lean on. When I met Mel, I was looking rough, I had bruises all up and down my arms and legs, I was 90lbs, I haven't eaten in a day or two, and the best part I had the clothes on my back and maybe one more outfit in my bag. I had no underwear, one bra, like no socks, it was truly ridiculous. I lost everything I ever loved and owned 2ce over. I was Finally tired, finally just done.
I met Mel in April of 2019, he was appalled when he realized how much I had lost and I still don't know what his true intentions were, maybe it was to help me or maybe it was to get in my pants, whatever it was I'm glad it happened. I got clean with Mels love and support, no rehab, no NA or AA, I was done and I knew I had to stop or I was gonna die.
These past 4 years I left state with Mel, we traveled for a bit and in this time I got to really think about what happened to me and why. It took some time for me to trust Mel and not think he was gonna leave in another state or somewhere stranded, he never did. I had nightmares, flashbacks, and bursts of anger for the first year. I really had to push through but I decided to write this story to maybe help someone that went through something similar.
I was in a relationship with a 31 yr old when I was 12-13 years old.
A little back story: When I was growing up my dad was a carefree kind and just a free spirit. He was a functional alcoholic, he would get off work and drink anywhere from a half gallon to a whole gallon of vodka a night and get up at 6am and go to work. My mom and dad got divorced when I was young so I was passed back and forth but my dads was my favorite. I was allowed to do whatever I wanted and as a teenager I took advantage of that. Dad had a lot of friends and they drank too. Dad was close to his brother and he had a few real close friends who were around everyday of my childhood for as long as I can remember. The one in particular I will never forget. I was young, I mean like maybe 7-8 when (let's call him Jim) I met Jim. He was young, good looking and had been friends with dad from work. Jim and another one of dads friends lived together so they all started hanging out at my house. I had a friend over and she was a little older that day when Jim first came to my house. She was curious about him and I don't remember much about that day but I do recall Jim laying his head on her lap while she played with his hair. She gave him those flirty eyes and they sat there and talked. Remind you even though Jim was in his late 20s and my friend was maybe 12-13 at the time. Not long after I met Jim he got into some trouble and was sent to prison for a few years.
Fast Forward>>>>>
I was 11 when I found a letter from Jim to my dad. I wasn't sure if I was even allowed to read it but I opened it up and read it anyway. I will never forget the letters that formed the word "tell wild child I said hi." I don't know why I got curious, I actually don't even know what I was thinking. I spent days thinking of the letter, I guess I was lonely, I had to have felt some type of emptiness to write him back. I was 11 writing a grown ass man in prison for pulling out a gun on some guys who robbed him. Me and Jim talked about everything, he became my best friend really quick. I don't know why but I felt comfortable talking to him and telling him things that were happening with me, my friends, my boyfriend, and my family. He talked about his wife and 2 boys, he gave advice and was just very sweet, acted like he understood me and was very genuine. I now see as an adult he was manipulating me as a child but that little girl was craving for attention. We got to know each other, we talked all the way up to the day me and my dad and my friend were with us pulled up to the house after school and there Jim was sitting on our porch, just chilling. Thats when things got confusing and fucked up. I hate telling this story. It is so hard for me to realize what he was doing to me the whole time..
I don't really wanna get into the specifics. Um.. we Got close when he got out, He touched me multiple times, and also touched my friends. He gave me a ring at one point, Jim was 31 years old and I was 13 years old. It wasn't right and I hate that it went on as long as it did. He would kiss me when my dad wasn't around and tell me he loved me. Until the night it all ended. My friend came over while Jim was there I had a boyfriend over and supposedly Jim raped her when I wasnt in the room. There were hickeys on her neck and she was partying and drinking like a rockstar when I left her. I still have no idea what happened that night we even remained friends for a long time after and she never talked about it. I confessed to her that he was doing the same shit to me as he had been touching me for almost a year. She eventually did go to the police that night and she told them about me and everything that was happening. The police charged Jim with 2 counts of sexual imposition with a minor and 1 count rape he got 6 years. I always felt so guilty for sending him to prison, I hated that I had to tell I was ashamed of what he did to me but I was a child. When Jim had 6 months left in his sentence he killed himself in prison. I still don't know if that is true, how he died but I have had to go through years of trying to accept this in my past and live life to the fullest everyday without the reminder of what Jim did to me. I still can't tell you how it affected me, I guess it did in all kinds of ways and me wanting the attention in the first place makes me wonder. Growing up with my father letting me do whatever I wanted mainly because he only had my part time and I didnt think he ever wanted to be "the bad guy". He was more of a friend to me and when he drank too much it could turn bad quick. All of it is in the past and I have tried my whole life to forgive myself for my part in his death. I wanted to tell some of my story. it goes farther than this but i needed to get it out into the world.
I want to make this clear, my dad was an addict/alcoholic. He did the best he could with what he was given, even though he was asleep during this event and many others, he was clueless but now looking back as a recovering addict that it wasn't my dads fault. We trusted this man, he was a close family friend for many many years. We never thought that he would target 3 teenage girls. I thought the man really cared about me and I believed what he told me.
Years later I changed schools my sophomore year and was in a small class with 2 girls and this geeky guy. (This was the year I found out Jim died) One of the girls, lets call her Ashley was telling our science teacher how her nephews dad was in prison and had just died, he was in the for 6 years for rape. She said that the girl lied and it was sad that her nephew had to lose his dad, she said that her Aunt Jims kids mom was distraught and in shock he could ever do the things he was accused of. I knew she was talking about me, I kept it to myself. What happened happened, I can't change a thing.
This is me moving on and not being afraid to face any fear because I faced my biggest one. I will never stop healing but I can finally move on and let go. So Goodbye Jim.

Today 2023 I am 4 years into my recovery. I spent a lot of time covering and burying these feelings of neglect, hurt, loneliness, and hate for myself. I was addicted to crack/cocaine, I did cocaine before crack and almost hated it, it gave me the worst sinus infection and I eventually switched to meth. I was that kind of addict that could have died from the lifestyle alone. I traded my morals, self respect and care for anything I ever loved for one more hit. I failed rehab 3 times and did a little time in county. I was the only girl in county jail with the charge "prostitution." I look back now and I realize that the rehab time and all that bull shit was not for me to get better, if we are being honest if I recall one of the only reasons I went was to get out of the cold or because I had nowhere else to go. I wanted to get better but I knew deep down that I wasn't done with drugs, I admit everytime I walked into those doors of treatment my heart was not 100% on stopping drugs. I did try a few times to figure out why I turned to drugs and what was my deep core issue that I was covering up. This story explains finally why I am the way I am. Why I slept with over 20 guys by the time I was 15, including a married man. Now you can say what you want about me but I believe I was looking for love and affection. My innocence was taken from me at a very very young age and the influence I grew up around was not ideal for a kid. My mom and dad were young when they had me and now I know they got married because mom got pregnant, I think she was 19. My dad drank ALOT and he could get mentally, emotionally and physically abusive, if he got enough in him or drank whiskey. Dad has a big heart and I'm his only daughter, he is kind, generous, and a good dad.
I took a lot of time in rehab to try to uncover my issues and try to heal but I got scared and ran every time. This time was different. In 2019 I was left by a guy I depended on, we were both homeless and my stuff was in his truck. One night he decided he wasn't gonna pick me up after work and it left me no choice but to do whatever I could to survive these streets. I needed to put my ducks in a row. By the time I realized he wasn't coming it was 10pm, I needed to find a bed, food, shower maybe, and more drugs to barter with. I ran the streets for almost 2 weeks alone with no help or someone to lean on. When I met Mel, I was looking rough, I had bruises all up and down my arms and legs, I was 90lbs, I haven't eaten in a day or two, and the best part I had the clothes on my back and maybe one more outfit in my bag. I had no underwear, one bra, like no socks, it was truly ridiculous. I lost everything I ever loved and owned 2ce over. I was Finally tired, finally just done.
I met Mel in April of 2019, he was appalled when he realized how much I had lost and I still don't know what his true intentions were, maybe it was to help me or maybe it was to get in my pants, whatever it was I'm glad it happened. I got clean with Mels love and support, no rehab, no NA or AA, I was done and I knew I had to stop or I was gonna die.
These past 4 years I left state with Mel, we traveled for a bit and in this time I got to really think about what happened to me and why. It took some time for me to trust Mel and not think he was gonna leave in another state or somewhere stranded, he never did. I had nightmares, flashbacks, and bursts of anger for the first year. I really had to push through but I decided to write this story to maybe help someone that went through something similar.
I was in a relationship with a 31 yr old when I was 12-13 years old.
A little back story: When I was growing up my dad was a carefree kind and just a free spirit. He was a functional alcoholic, he would get off work and drink anywhere from a half gallon to a whole gallon of vodka a night and get up at 6am and go to work. My mom and dad got divorced when I was young so I was passed back and forth but my dads was my favorite. I was allowed to do whatever I wanted and as a teenager I took advantage of that. Dad had a lot of friends and they drank too. Dad was close to his brother and he had a few real close friends who were around everyday of my childhood for as long as I can remember. The one in particular I will never forget. I was young, I mean like maybe 7-8 when (let's call him Jim) I met Jim. He was young, good looking and had been friends with dad from work. Jim and another one of dads friends lived together so they all started hanging out at my house. I had a friend over and she was a little older that day when Jim first came to my house. She was curious about him and I don't remember much about that day but I do recall Jim laying his head on her lap while she played with his hair. She gave him those flirty eyes and they sat there and talked. Remind you even though Jim was in his late 20s and my friend was maybe 12-13 at the time. Not long after I met Jim he got into some trouble and was sent to prison for a few years.
Fast Forward>>>>>
I was 11 when I found a letter from Jim to my dad. I wasn't sure if I was even allowed to read it but I opened it up and read it anyway. I will never forget the letters that formed the word "tell wild child I said hi." I don't know why I got curious, I actually don't even know what I was thinking. I spent days thinking of the letter, I guess I was lonely, I had to have felt some type of emptiness to write him back. I was 11 writing a grown ass man in prison for pulling out a gun on some guys who robbed him. Me and Jim talked about everything, he became my best friend really quick. I don't know why but I felt comfortable talking to him and telling him things that were happening with me, my friends, my boyfriend, and my family. He talked about his wife and 2 boys, he gave advice and was just very sweet, acted like he understood me and was very genuine. I now see as an adult he was manipulating me as a child but that little girl was craving for attention. We got to know each other, we talked all the way up to the day me and my dad and my friend were with us pulled up to the house after school and there Jim was sitting on our porch, just chilling. Thats when things got confusing and fucked up. I hate telling this story. It is so hard for me to realize what he was doing to me the whole time..
I don't really wanna get into the specifics. Um.. we Got close when he got out, He touched me multiple times, and also touched my friends. He gave me a ring at one point, Jim was 31 years old and I was 13 years old. It wasn't right and I hate that it went on as long as it did. He would kiss me when my dad wasn't around and tell me he loved me. Until the night it all ended. My friend came over while Jim was there I had a boyfriend over and supposedly Jim raped her when I wasnt in the room. There were hickeys on her neck and she was partying and drinking like a rockstar when I left her. I still have no idea what happened that night we even remained friends for a long time after and she never talked about it. I confessed to her that he was doing the same shit to me as he had been touching me for almost a year. She eventually did go to the police that night and she told them about me and everything that was happening. The police charged Jim with 2 counts of sexual imposition with a minor and 1 count rape he got 6 years. I always felt so guilty for sending him to prison, I hated that I had to tell I was ashamed of what he did to me but I was a child. When Jim had 6 months left in his sentence he killed himself in prison. I still don't know if that is true, how he died but I have had to go through years of trying to accept this in my past and live life to the fullest everyday without the reminder of what Jim did to me. I still can't tell you how it affected me, I guess it did in all kinds of ways and me wanting the attention in the first place makes me wonder. Growing up with my father letting me do whatever I wanted mainly because he only had my part time and I didnt think he ever wanted to be "the bad guy". He was more of a friend to me and when he drank too much it could turn bad quick. All of it is in the past and I have tried my whole life to forgive myself for my part in his death. I wanted to tell some of my story. it goes farther than this but i needed to get it out into the world.
I want to make this clear, my dad was an addict/alcoholic. He did the best he could with what he was given, even though he was asleep during this event and many others, he was clueless but now looking back as a recovering addict that it wasn't my dads fault. We trusted this man, he was a close family friend for many many years. We never thought that he would target 3 teenage girls. I thought the man really cared about me and I believed what he told me.
Years later I changed schools my sophomore year and was in a small class with 2 girls and this geeky guy. (This was the year I found out Jim died) One of the girls, lets call her Ashley was telling our science teacher how her nephews dad was in prison and had just died, he was in the for 6 years for rape. She said that the girl lied and it was sad that her nephew had to lose his dad, she said that her Aunt Jims kids mom was distraught and in shock he could ever do the things he was accused of. I knew she was talking about me, I kept it to myself. What happened happened, I can't change a thing.
This is me moving on and not being afraid to face any fear because I faced my biggest one. I will never stop healing but I can finally move on and let go. So Goodbye Jim.

Today 2023 I am 4 years into my recovery. I spent a lot of time covering and burying these feelings of neglect, hurt, loneliness, and hate for myself. I was addicted to crack/cocaine, I did cocaine before crack and almost hated it, it gave me the worst sinus infection and I eventually switched to meth. I was that kind of addict that could have died from the lifestyle alone. I traded my morals, self respect and care for anything I ever loved for one more hit. I failed rehab 3 times and did a little time in county. I was the only girl in county jail with the charge "prostitution." I look back now and I realize that the rehab time and all that bull shit was not for me to get better, if we are being honest if I recall one of the only reasons I went was to get out of the cold or because I had nowhere else to go. I wanted to get better but I knew deep down that I wasn't done with drugs, I admit everytime I walked into those doors of treatment my heart was not 100% on stopping drugs. I did try a few times to figure out why I turned to drugs and what was my deep core issue that I was covering up. This story explains finally why I am the way I am. Why I slept with over 20 guys by the time I was 15, including a married man. Now you can say what you want about me but I believe I was looking for love and affection. My innocence was taken from me at a very very young age and the influence I grew up around was not ideal for a kid. My mom and dad were young when they had me and now I know they got married because mom got pregnant, I think she was 19. My dad drank ALOT and he could get mentally, emotionally and physically abusive, if he got enough in him or drank whiskey. Dad has a big heart and I'm his only daughter, he is kind, generous, and a good dad.
I took a lot of time in rehab to try to uncover my issues and try to heal but I got scared and ran every time. This time was different. In 2019 I was left by a guy I depended on, we were both homeless and my stuff was in his truck. One night he decided he wasn't gonna pick me up after work and it left me no choice but to do whatever I could to survive these streets. I needed to put my ducks in a row. By the time I realized he wasn't coming it was 10pm, I needed to find a bed, food, shower maybe, and more drugs to barter with. I ran the streets for almost 2 weeks alone with no help or someone to lean on. When I met Mel, I was looking rough, I had bruises all up and down my arms and legs, I was 90lbs, I haven't eaten in a day or two, and the best part I had the clothes on my back and maybe one more outfit in my bag. I had no underwear, one bra, like no socks, it was truly ridiculous. I lost everything I ever loved and owned 2ce over. I was Finally tired, finally just done.
I met Mel in April of 2019, he was appalled when he realized how much I had lost and I still don't know what his true intentions were, maybe it was to help me or maybe it was to get in my pants, whatever it was I'm glad it happened. I got clean with Mels love and support, no rehab, no NA or AA, I was done and I knew I had to stop or I was gonna die.
These past 4 years I left state with Mel, we traveled for a bit and in this time I got to really think about what happened to me and why. It took some time for me to trust Mel and not think he was gonna leave in another state or somewhere stranded, he never did. I had nightmares, flashbacks, and bursts of anger for the first year. I really had to push through but I decided to write this story to maybe help someone that went through something similar.
I was in a relationship with a 31 yr old when I was 12-13 years old.
A little back story: When I was growing up my dad was a carefree kind and just a free spirit. He was a functional alcoholic, he would get off work and drink anywhere from a half gallon to a whole gallon of vodka a night and get up at 6am and go to work. My mom and dad got divorced when I was young so I was passed back and forth but my dads was my favorite. I was allowed to do whatever I wanted and as a teenager I took advantage of that. Dad had a lot of friends and they drank too. Dad was close to his brother and he had a few real close friends who were around everyday of my childhood for as long as I can remember. The one in particular I will never forget. I was young, I mean like maybe 7-8 when (let's call him Jim) I met Jim. He was young, good looking and had been friends with dad from work. Jim and another one of dads friends lived together so they all started hanging out at my house. I had a friend over and she was a little older that day when Jim first came to my house. She was curious about him and I don't remember much about that day but I do recall Jim laying his head on her lap while she played with his hair. She gave him those flirty eyes and they sat there and talked. Remind you even though Jim was in his late 20s and my friend was maybe 12-13 at the time. Not long after I met Jim he got into some trouble and was sent to prison for a few years.
Fast Forward>>>>>
I was 11 when I found a letter from Jim to my dad. I wasn't sure if I was even allowed to read it but I opened it up and read it anyway. I will never forget the letters that formed the word "tell wild child I said hi." I don't know why I got curious, I actually don't even know what I was thinking. I spent days thinking of the letter, I guess I was lonely, I had to have felt some type of emptiness to write him back. I was 11 writing a grown ass man in prison for pulling out a gun on some guys who robbed him. Me and Jim talked about everything, he became my best friend really quick. I don't know why but I felt comfortable talking to him and telling him things that were happening with me, my friends, my boyfriend, and my family. He talked about his wife and 2 boys, he gave advice and was just very sweet, acted like he understood me and was very genuine. I now see as an adult he was manipulating me as a child but that little girl was craving for attention. We got to know each other, we talked all the way up to the day me and my dad and my friend were with us pulled up to the house after school and there Jim was sitting on our porch, just chilling. Thats when things got confusing and fucked up. I hate telling this story. It is so hard for me to realize what he was doing to me the whole time..
I don't really wanna get into the specifics. Um.. we Got close when he got out, He touched me multiple times, and also touched my friends. He gave me a ring at one point, Jim was 31 years old and I was 13 years old. It wasn't right and I hate that it went on as long as it did. He would kiss me when my dad wasn't around and tell me he loved me. Until the night it all ended. My friend came over while Jim was there I had a boyfriend over and supposedly Jim raped her when I wasnt in the room. There were hickeys on her neck and she was partying and drinking like a rockstar when I left her. I still have no idea what happened that night we even remained friends for a long time after and she never talked about it. I confessed to her that he was doing the same shit to me as he had been touching me for almost a year. She eventually did go to the police that night and she told them about me and everything that was happening. The police charged Jim with 2 counts of sexual imposition with a minor and 1 count rape he got 6 years. I always felt so guilty for sending him to prison, I hated that I had to tell I was ashamed of what he did to me but I was a child. When Jim had 6 months left in his sentence he killed himself in prison. I still don't know if that is true, how he died but I have had to go through years of trying to accept this in my past and live life to the fullest everyday without the reminder of what Jim did to me. I still can't tell you how it affected me, I guess it did in all kinds of ways and me wanting the attention in the first place makes me wonder. Growing up with my father letting me do whatever I wanted mainly because he only had my part time and I didnt think he ever wanted to be "the bad guy". He was more of a friend to me and when he drank too much it could turn bad quick. All of it is in the past and I have tried my whole life to forgive myself for my part in his death. I wanted to tell some of my story. it goes farther than this but i needed to get it out into the world.
I want to make this clear, my dad was an addict/alcoholic. He did the best he could with what he was given, even though he was asleep during this event and many others, he was clueless but now looking back as a recovering addict that it wasn't my dads fault. We trusted this man, he was a close family friend for many many years. We never thought that he would target 3 teenage girls. I thought the man really cared about me and I believed what he told me.
Years later I changed schools my sophomore year and was in a small class with 2 girls and this geeky guy. (This was the year I found out Jim died) One of the girls, lets call her Ashley was telling our science teacher how her nephews dad was in prison and had just died, he was in the for 6 years for rape. She said that the girl lied and it was sad that her nephew had to lose his dad, she said that her Aunt Jims kids mom was distraught and in shock he could ever do the things he was accused of. I knew she was talking about me, I kept it to myself. What happened happened, I can't change a thing.
This is me moving on and not being afraid to face any fear because I faced my biggest one. I will never stop healing but I can finally move on and let go. So Goodbye Jim.

Today 2023 I am 4 years into my recovery. I spent a lot of time covering and burying these feelings of neglect, hurt, loneliness, and hate for myself. I was addicted to crack/cocaine, I did cocaine before crack and almost hated it, it gave me the worst sinus infection and I eventually switched to meth. I was that kind of addict that could have died from the lifestyle alone. I traded my morals, self respect and care for anything I ever loved for one more hit. I failed rehab 3 times and did a little time in county. I was the only girl in county jail with the charge "prostitution." I look back now and I realize that the rehab time and all that bull shit was not for me to get better, if we are being honest if I recall one of the only reasons I went was to get out of the cold or because I had nowhere else to go. I wanted to get better but I knew deep down that I wasn't done with drugs, I admit everytime I walked into those doors of treatment my heart was not 100% on stopping drugs. I did try a few times to figure out why I turned to drugs and what was my deep core issue that I was covering up. This story explains finally why I am the way I am. Why I slept with over 20 guys by the time I was 15, including a married man. Now you can say what you want about me but I believe I was looking for love and affection. My innocence was taken from me at a very very young age and the influence I grew up around was not ideal for a kid. My mom and dad were young when they had me and now I know they got married because mom got pregnant, I think she was 19. My dad drank ALOT and he could get mentally, emotionally and physically abusive, if he got enough in him or drank whiskey. Dad has a big heart and I'm his only daughter, he is kind, generous, and a good dad.
I took a lot of time in rehab to try to uncover my issues and try to heal but I got scared and ran every time. This time was different. In 2019 I was left by a guy I depended on, we were both homeless and my stuff was in his truck. One night he decided he wasn't gonna pick me up after work and it left me no choice but to do whatever I could to survive these streets. I needed to put my ducks in a row. By the time I realized he wasn't coming it was 10pm, I needed to find a bed, food, shower maybe, and more drugs to barter with. I ran the streets for almost 2 weeks alone with no help or someone to lean on. When I met Mel, I was looking rough, I had bruises all up and down my arms and legs, I was 90lbs, I haven't eaten in a day or two, and the best part I had the clothes on my back and maybe one more outfit in my bag. I had no underwear, one bra, like no socks, it was truly ridiculous. I lost everything I ever loved and owned 2ce over. I was Finally tired, finally just done.
I met Mel in April of 2019, he was appalled when he realized how much I had lost and I still don't know what his true intentions were, maybe it was to help me or maybe it was to get in my pants, whatever it was I'm glad it happened. I got clean with Mels love and support, no rehab, no NA or AA, I was done and I knew I had to stop or I was gonna die.
These past 4 years I left state with Mel, we traveled for a bit and in this time I got to really think about what happened to me and why. It took some time for me to trust Mel and not think he was gonna leave in another state or somewhere stranded, he never did. I had nightmares, flashbacks, and bursts of anger for the first year. I really had to push through but I decided to write this story to maybe help someone that went through something similar.
I was in a relationship with a 31 yr old when I was 12-13 years old.
A little back story: When I was growing up my dad was a carefree kind and just a free spirit. He was a functional alcoholic, he would get off work and drink anywhere from a half gallon to a whole gallon of vodka a night and get up at 6am and go to work. My mom and dad got divorced when I was young so I was passed back and forth but my dads was my favorite. I was allowed to do whatever I wanted and as a teenager I took advantage of that. Dad had a lot of friends and they drank too. Dad was close to his brother and he had a few real close friends who were around everyday of my childhood for as long as I can remember. The one in particular I will never forget. I was young, I mean like maybe 7-8 when (let's call him Jim) I met Jim. He was young, good looking and had been friends with dad from work. Jim and another one of dads friends lived together so they all started hanging out at my house. I had a friend over and she was a little older that day when Jim first came to my house. She was curious about him and I don't remember much about that day but I do recall Jim laying his head on her lap while she played with his hair. She gave him those flirty eyes and they sat there and talked. Remind you even though Jim was in his late 20s and my friend was maybe 12-13 at the time. Not long after I met Jim he got into some trouble and was sent to prison for a few years.
Fast Forward>>>>>
I was 11 when I found a letter from Jim to my dad. I wasn't sure if I was even allowed to read it but I opened it up and read it anyway. I will never forget the letters that formed the word "tell wild child I said hi." I don't know why I got curious, I actually don't even know what I was thinking. I spent days thinking of the letter, I guess I was lonely, I had to have felt some type of emptiness to write him back. I was 11 writing a grown ass man in prison for pulling out a gun on some guys who robbed him. Me and Jim talked about everything, he became my best friend really quick. I don't know why but I felt comfortable talking to him and telling him things that were happening with me, my friends, my boyfriend, and my family. He talked about his wife and 2 boys, he gave advice and was just very sweet, acted like he understood me and was very genuine. I now see as an adult he was manipulating me as a child but that little girl was craving for attention. We got to know each other, we talked all the way up to the day me and my dad and my friend were with us pulled up to the house after school and there Jim was sitting on our porch, just chilling. Thats when things got confusing and fucked up. I hate telling this story. It is so hard for me to realize what he was doing to me the whole time..
I don't really wanna get into the specifics. Um.. we Got close when he got out, He touched me multiple times, and also touched my friends. He gave me a ring at one point, Jim was 31 years old and I was 13 years old. It wasn't right and I hate that it went on as long as it did. He would kiss me when my dad wasn't around and tell me he loved me. Until the night it all ended. My friend came over while Jim was there I had a boyfriend over and supposedly Jim raped her when I wasnt in the room. There were hickeys on her neck and she was partying and drinking like a rockstar when I left her. I still have no idea what happened that night we even remained friends for a long time after and she never talked about it. I confessed to her that he was doing the same shit to me as he had been touching me for almost a year. She eventually did go to the police that night and she told them about me and everything that was happening. The police charged Jim with 2 counts of sexual imposition with a minor and 1 count rape he got 6 years. I always felt so guilty for sending him to prison, I hated that I had to tell I was ashamed of what he did to me but I was a child. When Jim had 6 months left in his sentence he killed himself in prison. I still don't know if that is true, how he died but I have had to go through years of trying to accept this in my past and live life to the fullest everyday without the reminder of what Jim did to me. I still can't tell you how it affected me, I guess it did in all kinds of ways and me wanting the attention in the first place makes me wonder. Growing up with my father letting me do whatever I wanted mainly because he only had my part time and I didnt think he ever wanted to be "the bad guy". He was more of a friend to me and when he drank too much it could turn bad quick. All of it is in the past and I have tried my whole life to forgive myself for my part in his death. I wanted to tell some of my story. it goes farther than this but i needed to get it out into the world.
I want to make this clear, my dad was an addict/alcoholic. He did the best he could with what he was given, even though he was asleep during this event and many others, he was clueless but now looking back as a recovering addict that it wasn't my dads fault. We trusted this man, he was a close family friend for many many years. We never thought that he would target 3 teenage girls. I thought the man really cared about me and I believed what he told me.
Years later I changed schools my sophomore year and was in a small class with 2 girls and this geeky guy. (This was the year I found out Jim died) One of the girls, lets call her Ashley was telling our science teacher how her nephews dad was in prison and had just died, he was in the for 6 years for rape. She said that the girl lied and it was sad that her nephew had to lose his dad, she said that her Aunt Jims kids mom was distraught and in shock he could ever do the things he was accused of. I knew she was talking about me, I kept it to myself. What happened happened, I can't change a thing.
This is me moving on and not being afraid to face any fear because I faced my biggest one. I will never stop healing but I can finally move on and let go. So Goodbye Jim.

Today 2023 I am 4 years into my recovery. I spent a lot of time covering and burying these feelings of neglect, hurt, loneliness, and hate for myself. I was addicted to crack/cocaine, I did cocaine before crack and almost hated it, it gave me the worst sinus infection and I eventually switched to meth. I was that kind of addict that could have died from the lifestyle alone. I traded my morals, self respect and care for anything I ever loved for one more hit. I failed rehab 3 times and did a little time in county. I was the only girl in county jail with the charge "prostitution." I look back now and I realize that the rehab time and all that bull shit was not for me to get better, if we are being honest if I recall one of the only reasons I went was to get out of the cold or because I had nowhere else to go. I wanted to get better but I knew deep down that I wasn't done with drugs, I admit everytime I walked into those doors of treatment my heart was not 100% on stopping drugs. I did try a few times to figure out why I turned to drugs and what was my deep core issue that I was covering up. This story explains finally why I am the way I am. Why I slept with over 20 guys by the time I was 15, including a married man. Now you can say what you want about me but I believe I was looking for love and affection. My innocence was taken from me at a very very young age and the influence I grew up around was not ideal for a kid. My mom and dad were young when they had me and now I know they got married because mom got pregnant, I think she was 19. My dad drank ALOT and he could get mentally, emotionally and physically abusive, if he got enough in him or drank whiskey. Dad has a big heart and I'm his only daughter, he is kind, generous, and a good dad.
I took a lot of time in rehab to try to uncover my issues and try to heal but I got scared and ran every time. This time was different. In 2019 I was left by a guy I depended on, we were both homeless and my stuff was in his truck. One night he decided he wasn't gonna pick me up after work and it left me no choice but to do whatever I could to survive these streets. I needed to put my ducks in a row. By the time I realized he wasn't coming it was 10pm, I needed to find a bed, food, shower maybe, and more drugs to barter with. I ran the streets for almost 2 weeks alone with no help or someone to lean on. When I met Mel, I was looking rough, I had bruises all up and down my arms and legs, I was 90lbs, I haven't eaten in a day or two, and the best part I had the clothes on my back and maybe one more outfit in my bag. I had no underwear, one bra, like no socks, it was truly ridiculous. I lost everything I ever loved and owned 2ce over. I was Finally tired, finally just done.
I met Mel in April of 2019, he was appalled when he realized how much I had lost and I still don't know what his true intentions were, maybe it was to help me or maybe it was to get in my pants, whatever it was I'm glad it happened. I got clean with Mels love and support, no rehab, no NA or AA, I was done and I knew I had to stop or I was gonna die.
These past 4 years I left state with Mel, we traveled for a bit and in this time I got to really think about what happened to me and why. It took some time for me to trust Mel and not think he was gonna leave in another state or somewhere stranded, he never did. I had nightmares, flashbacks, and bursts of anger for the first year. I really had to push through but I decided to write this story to maybe help someone that went through something similar.
I was in a relationship with a 31 yr old when I was 12-13 years old.
A little back story: When I was growing up my dad was a carefree kind and just a free spirit. He was a functional alcoholic, he would get off work and drink anywhere from a half gallon to a whole gallon of vodka a night and get up at 6am and go to work. My mom and dad got divorced when I was young so I was passed back and forth but my dads was my favorite. I was allowed to do whatever I wanted and as a teenager I took advantage of that. Dad had a lot of friends and they drank too. Dad was close to his brother and he had a few real close friends who were around everyday of my childhood for as long as I can remember. The one in particular I will never forget. I was young, I mean like maybe 7-8 when (let's call him Jim) I met Jim. He was young, good looking and had been friends with dad from work. Jim and another one of dads friends lived together so they all started hanging out at my house. I had a friend over and she was a little older that day when Jim first came to my house. She was curious about him and I don't remember much about that day but I do recall Jim laying his head on her lap while she played with his hair. She gave him those flirty eyes and they sat there and talked. Remind you even though Jim was in his late 20s and my friend was maybe 12-13 at the time. Not long after I met Jim he got into some trouble and was sent to prison for a few years.
Fast Forward>>>>>
I was 11 when I found a letter from Jim to my dad. I wasn't sure if I was even allowed to read it but I opened it up and read it anyway. I will never forget the letters that formed the word "tell wild child I said hi." I don't know why I got curious, I actually don't even know what I was thinking. I spent days thinking of the letter, I guess I was lonely, I had to have felt some type of emptiness to write him back. I was 11 writing a grown ass man in prison for pulling out a gun on some guys who robbed him. Me and Jim talked about everything, he became my best friend really quick. I don't know why but I felt comfortable talking to him and telling him things that were happening with me, my friends, my boyfriend, and my family. He talked about his wife and 2 boys, he gave advice and was just very sweet, acted like he understood me and was very genuine. I now see as an adult he was manipulating me as a child but that little girl was craving for attention. We got to know each other, we talked all the way up to the day me and my dad and my friend were with us pulled up to the house after school and there Jim was sitting on our porch, just chilling. Thats when things got confusing and fucked up. I hate telling this story. It is so hard for me to realize what he was doing to me the whole time..
I don't really wanna get into the specifics. Um.. we Got close when he got out, He touched me multiple times, and also touched my friends. He gave me a ring at one point, Jim was 31 years old and I was 13 years old. It wasn't right and I hate that it went on as long as it did. He would kiss me when my dad wasn't around and tell me he loved me. Until the night it all ended. My friend came over while Jim was there I had a boyfriend over and supposedly Jim raped her when I wasnt in the room. There were hickeys on her neck and she was partying and drinking like a rockstar when I left her. I still have no idea what happened that night we even remained friends for a long time after and she never talked about it. I confessed to her that he was doing the same shit to me as he had been touching me for almost a year. She eventually did go to the police that night and she told them about me and everything that was happening. The police charged Jim with 2 counts of sexual imposition with a minor and 1 count rape he got 6 years. I always felt so guilty for sending him to prison, I hated that I had to tell I was ashamed of what he did to me but I was a child. When Jim had 6 months left in his sentence he killed himself in prison. I still don't know if that is true, how he died but I have had to go through years of trying to accept this in my past and live life to the fullest everyday without the reminder of what Jim did to me. I still can't tell you how it affected me, I guess it did in all kinds of ways and me wanting the attention in the first place makes me wonder. Growing up with my father letting me do whatever I wanted mainly because he only had my part time and I didnt think he ever wanted to be "the bad guy". He was more of a friend to me and when he drank too much it could turn bad quick. All of it is in the past and I have tried my whole life to forgive myself for my part in his death. I wanted to tell some of my story. it goes farther than this but i needed to get it out into the world.
I want to make this clear, my dad was an addict/alcoholic. He did the best he could with what he was given, even though he was asleep during this event and many others, he was clueless but now looking back as a recovering addict that it wasn't my dads fault. We trusted this man, he was a close family friend for many many years. We never thought that he would target 3 teenage girls. I thought the man really cared about me and I believed what he told me.
Years later I changed schools my sophomore year and was in a small class with 2 girls and this geeky guy. (This was the year I found out Jim died) One of the girls, lets call her Ashley was telling our science teacher how her nephews dad was in prison and had just died, he was in the for 6 years for rape. She said that the girl lied and it was sad that her nephew had to lose his dad, she said that her Aunt Jims kids mom was distraught and in shock he could ever do the things he was accused of. I knew she was talking about me, I kept it to myself. What happened happened, I can't change a thing.
This is me moving on and not being afraid to face any fear because I faced my biggest one. I will never stop healing but I can finally move on and let go. So Goodbye Jim.

Today 2023 I am 4 years into my recovery. I spent a lot of time covering and burying these feelings of neglect, hurt, loneliness, and hate for myself. I was addicted to crack/cocaine, I did cocaine before crack and almost hated it, it gave me the worst sinus infection and I eventually switched to meth. I was that kind of addict that could have died from the lifestyle alone. I traded my morals, self respect and care for anything I ever loved for one more hit. I failed rehab 3 times and did a little time in county. I was the only girl in county jail with the charge "prostitution." I look back now and I realize that the rehab time and all that bull shit was not for me to get better, if we are being honest if I recall one of the only reasons I went was to get out of the cold or because I had nowhere else to go. I wanted to get better but I knew deep down that I wasn't done with drugs, I admit everytime I walked into those doors of treatment my heart was not 100% on stopping drugs. I did try a few times to figure out why I turned to drugs and what was my deep core issue that I was covering up. This story explains finally why I am the way I am. Why I slept with over 20 guys by the time I was 15, including a married man. Now you can say what you want about me but I believe I was looking for love and affection. My innocence was taken from me at a very very young age and the influence I grew up around was not ideal for a kid. My mom and dad were young when they had me and now I know they got married because mom got pregnant, I think she was 19. My dad drank ALOT and he could get mentally, emotionally and physically abusive, if he got enough in him or drank whiskey. Dad has a big heart and I'm his only daughter, he is kind, generous, and a good dad.
I took a lot of time in rehab to try to uncover my issues and try to heal but I got scared and ran every time. This time was different. In 2019 I was left by a guy I depended on, we were both homeless and my stuff was in his truck. One night he decided he wasn't gonna pick me up after work and it left me no choice but to do whatever I could to survive these streets. I needed to put my ducks in a row. By the time I realized he wasn't coming it was 10pm, I needed to find a bed, food, shower maybe, and more drugs to barter with. I ran the streets for almost 2 weeks alone with no help or someone to lean on. When I met Mel, I was looking rough, I had bruises all up and down my arms and legs, I was 90lbs, I haven't eaten in a day or two, and the best part I had the clothes on my back and maybe one more outfit in my bag. I had no underwear, one bra, like no socks, it was truly ridiculous. I lost everything I ever loved and owned 2ce over. I was Finally tired, finally just done.
I met Mel in April of 2019, he was appalled when he realized how much I had lost and I still don't know what his true intentions were, maybe it was to help me or maybe it was to get in my pants, whatever it was I'm glad it happened. I got clean with Mels love and support, no rehab, no NA or AA, I was done and I knew I had to stop or I was gonna die.
These past 4 years I left state with Mel, we traveled for a bit and in this time I got to really think about what happened to me and why. It took some time for me to trust Mel and not think he was gonna leave in another state or somewhere stranded, he never did. I had nightmares, flashbacks, and bursts of anger for the first year. I really had to push through but I decided to write this story to maybe help someone that went through something similar.
I was in a relationship with a 31 yr old when I was 12-13 years old.
A little back story: When I was growing up my dad was a carefree kind and just a free spirit. He was a functional alcoholic, he would get off work and drink anywhere from a half gallon to a whole gallon of vodka a night and get up at 6am and go to work. My mom and dad got divorced when I was young so I was passed back and forth but my dads was my favorite. I was allowed to do whatever I wanted and as a teenager I took advantage of that. Dad had a lot of friends and they drank too. Dad was close to his brother and he had a few real close friends who were around everyday of my childhood for as long as I can remember. The one in particular I will never forget. I was young, I mean like maybe 7-8 when (let's call him Jim) I met Jim. He was young, good looking and had been friends with dad from work. Jim and another one of dads friends lived together so they all started hanging out at my house. I had a friend over and she was a little older that day when Jim first came to my house. She was curious about him and I don't remember much about that day but I do recall Jim laying his head on her lap while she played with his hair. She gave him those flirty eyes and they sat there and talked. Remind you even though Jim was in his late 20s and my friend was maybe 12-13 at the time. Not long after I met Jim he got into some trouble and was sent to prison for a few years.
Fast Forward>>>>>
I was 11 when I found a letter from Jim to my dad. I wasn't sure if I was even allowed to read it but I opened it up and read it anyway. I will never forget the letters that formed the word "tell wild child I said hi." I don't know why I got curious, I actually don't even know what I was thinking. I spent days thinking of the letter, I guess I was lonely, I had to have felt some type of emptiness to write him back. I was 11 writing a grown ass man in prison for pulling out a gun on some guys who robbed him. Me and Jim talked about everything, he became my best friend really quick. I don't know why but I felt comfortable talking to him and telling him things that were happening with me, my friends, my boyfriend, and my family. He talked about his wife and 2 boys, he gave advice and was just very sweet, acted like he understood me and was very genuine. I now see as an adult he was manipulating me as a child but that little girl was craving for attention. We got to know each other, we talked all the way up to the day me and my dad and my friend were with us pulled up to the house after school and there Jim was sitting on our porch, just chilling. Thats when things got confusing and fucked up. I hate telling this story. It is so hard for me to realize what he was doing to me the whole time..
I don't really wanna get into the specifics. Um.. we Got close when he got out, He touched me multiple times, and also touched my friends. He gave me a ring at one point, Jim was 31 years old and I was 13 years old. It wasn't right and I hate that it went on as long as it did. He would kiss me when my dad wasn't around and tell me he loved me. Until the night it all ended. My friend came over while Jim was there I had a boyfriend over and supposedly Jim raped her when I wasnt in the room. There were hickeys on her neck and she was partying and drinking like a rockstar when I left her. I still have no idea what happened that night we even remained friends for a long time after and she never talked about it. I confessed to her that he was doing the same shit to me as he had been touching me for almost a year. She eventually did go to the police that night and she told them about me and everything that was happening. The police charged Jim with 2 counts of sexual imposition with a minor and 1 count rape he got 6 years. I always felt so guilty for sending him to prison, I hated that I had to tell I was ashamed of what he did to me but I was a child. When Jim had 6 months left in his sentence he killed himself in prison. I still don't know if that is true, how he died but I have had to go through years of trying to accept this in my past and live life to the fullest everyday without the reminder of what Jim did to me. I still can't tell you how it affected me, I guess it did in all kinds of ways and me wanting the attention in the first place makes me wonder. Growing up with my father letting me do whatever I wanted mainly because he only had my part time and I didnt think he ever wanted to be "the bad guy". He was more of a friend to me and when he drank too much it could turn bad quick. All of it is in the past and I have tried my whole life to forgive myself for my part in his death. I wanted to tell some of my story. it goes farther than this but i needed to get it out into the world.
I want to make this clear, my dad was an addict/alcoholic. He did the best he could with what he was given, even though he was asleep during this event and many others, he was clueless but now looking back as a recovering addict that it wasn't my dads fault. We trusted this man, he was a close family friend for many many years. We never thought that he would target 3 teenage girls. I thought the man really cared about me and I believed what he told me.
Years later I changed schools my sophomore year and was in a small class with 2 girls and this geeky guy. (This was the year I found out Jim died) One of the girls, lets call her Ashley was telling our science teacher how her nephews dad was in prison and had just died, he was in the for 6 years for rape. She said that the girl lied and it was sad that her nephew had to lose his dad, she said that her Aunt Jims kids mom was distraught and in shock he could ever do the things he was accused of. I knew she was talking about me, I kept it to myself. What happened happened, I can't change a thing.
This is me moving on and not being afraid to face any fear because I faced my biggest one. I will never stop healing but I can finally move on and let go. So Goodbye Jim.

Today 2023 I am 4 years into my recovery. I spent a lot of time covering and burying these feelings of neglect, hurt, loneliness, and hate for myself. I was addicted to crack/cocaine, I did cocaine before crack and almost hated it, it gave me the worst sinus infection and I eventually switched to meth. I was that kind of addict that could have died from the lifestyle alone. I traded my morals, self respect and care for anything I ever loved for one more hit. I failed rehab 3 times and did a little time in county. I was the only girl in county jail with the charge "prostitution." I look back now and I realize that the rehab time and all that bull shit was not for me to get better, if we are being honest if I recall one of the only reasons I went was to get out of the cold or because I had nowhere else to go. I wanted to get better but I knew deep down that I wasn't done with drugs, I admit everytime I walked into those doors of treatment my heart was not 100% on stopping drugs. I did try a few times to figure out why I turned to drugs and what was my deep core issue that I was covering up. This story explains finally why I am the way I am. Why I slept with over 20 guys by the time I was 15, including a married man. Now you can say what you want about me but I believe I was looking for love and affection. My innocence was taken from me at a very very young age and the influence I grew up around was not ideal for a kid. My mom and dad were young when they had me and now I know they got married because mom got pregnant, I think she was 19. My dad drank ALOT and he could get mentally, emotionally and physically abusive, if he got enough in him or drank whiskey. Dad has a big heart and I'm his only daughter, he is kind, generous, and a good dad.
I took a lot of time in rehab to try to uncover my issues and try to heal but I got scared and ran every time. This time was different. In 2019 I was left by a guy I depended on, we were both homeless and my stuff was in his truck. One night he decided he wasn't gonna pick me up after work and it left me no choice but to do whatever I could to survive these streets. I needed to put my ducks in a row. By the time I realized he wasn't coming it was 10pm, I needed to find a bed, food, shower maybe, and more drugs to barter with. I ran the streets for almost 2 weeks alone with no help or someone to lean on. When I met Mel, I was looking rough, I had bruises all up and down my arms and legs, I was 90lbs, I haven't eaten in a day or two, and the best part I had the clothes on my back and maybe one more outfit in my bag. I had no underwear, one bra, like no socks, it was truly ridiculous. I lost everything I ever loved and owned 2ce over. I was Finally tired, finally just done.
I met Mel in April of 2019, he was appalled when he realized how much I had lost and I still don't know what his true intentions were, maybe it was to help me or maybe it was to get in my pants, whatever it was I'm glad it happened. I got clean with Mels love and support, no rehab, no NA or AA, I was done and I knew I had to stop or I was gonna die.
These past 4 years I left state with Mel, we traveled for a bit and in this time I got to really think about what happened to me and why. It took some time for me to trust Mel and not think he was gonna leave in another state or somewhere stranded, he never did. I had nightmares, flashbacks, and bursts of anger for the first year. I really had to push through but I decided to write this story to maybe help someone that went through something similar.
I was in a relationship with a 31 yr old when I was 12-13 years old.
A little back story: When I was growing up my dad was a carefree kind and just a free spirit. He was a functional alcoholic, he would get off work and drink anywhere from a half gallon to a whole gallon of vodka a night and get up at 6am and go to work. My mom and dad got divorced when I was young so I was passed back and forth but my dads was my favorite. I was allowed to do whatever I wanted and as a teenager I took advantage of that. Dad had a lot of friends and they drank too. Dad was close to his brother and he had a few real close friends who were around everyday of my childhood for as long as I can remember. The one in particular I will never forget. I was young, I mean like maybe 7-8 when (let's call him Jim) I met Jim. He was young, good looking and had been friends with dad from work. Jim and another one of dads friends lived together so they all started hanging out at my house. I had a friend over and she was a little older that day when Jim first came to my house. She was curious about him and I don't remember much about that day but I do recall Jim laying his head on her lap while she played with his hair. She gave him those flirty eyes and they sat there and talked. Remind you even though Jim was in his late 20s and my friend was maybe 12-13 at the time. Not long after I met Jim he got into some trouble and was sent to prison for a few years.
Fast Forward>>>>>
I was 11 when I found a letter from Jim to my dad. I wasn't sure if I was even allowed to read it but I opened it up and read it anyway. I will never forget the letters that formed the word "tell wild child I said hi." I don't know why I got curious, I actually don't even know what I was thinking. I spent days thinking of the letter, I guess I was lonely, I had to have felt some type of emptiness to write him back. I was 11 writing a grown ass man in prison for pulling out a gun on some guys who robbed him. Me and Jim talked about everything, he became my best friend really quick. I don't know why but I felt comfortable talking to him and telling him things that were happening with me, my friends, my boyfriend, and my family. He talked about his wife and 2 boys, he gave advice and was just very sweet, acted like he understood me and was very genuine. I now see as an adult he was manipulating me as a child but that little girl was craving for attention. We got to know each other, we talked all the way up to the day me and my dad and my friend were with us pulled up to the house after school and there Jim was sitting on our porch, just chilling. Thats when things got confusing and fucked up. I hate telling this story. It is so hard for me to realize what he was doing to me the whole time..
I don't really wanna get into the specifics. Um.. we Got close when he got out, He touched me multiple times, and also touched my friends. He gave me a ring at one point, Jim was 31 years old and I was 13 years old. It wasn't right and I hate that it went on as long as it did. He would kiss me when my dad wasn't around and tell me he loved me. Until the night it all ended. My friend came over while Jim was there I had a boyfriend over and supposedly Jim raped her when I wasnt in the room. There were hickeys on her neck and she was partying and drinking like a rockstar when I left her. I still have no idea what happened that night we even remained friends for a long time after and she never talked about it. I confessed to her that he was doing the same shit to me as he had been touching me for almost a year. She eventually did go to the police that night and she told them about me and everything that was happening. The police charged Jim with 2 counts of sexual imposition with a minor and 1 count rape he got 6 years. I always felt so guilty for sending him to prison, I hated that I had to tell I was ashamed of what he did to me but I was a child. When Jim had 6 months left in his sentence he killed himself in prison. I still don't know if that is true, how he died but I have had to go through years of trying to accept this in my past and live life to the fullest everyday without the reminder of what Jim did to me. I still can't tell you how it affected me, I guess it did in all kinds of ways and me wanting the attention in the first place makes me wonder. Growing up with my father letting me do whatever I wanted mainly because he only had my part time and I didnt think he ever wanted to be "the bad guy". He was more of a friend to me and when he drank too much it could turn bad quick. All of it is in the past and I have tried my whole life to forgive myself for my part in his death. I wanted to tell some of my story. it goes farther than this but i needed to get it out into the world.
I want to make this clear, my dad was an addict/alcoholic. He did the best he could with what he was given, even though he was asleep during this event and many others, he was clueless but now looking back as a recovering addict that it wasn't my dads fault. We trusted this man, he was a close family friend for many many years. We never thought that he would target 3 teenage girls. I thought the man really cared about me and I believed what he told me.
Years later I changed schools my sophomore year and was in a small class with 2 girls and this geeky guy. (This was the year I found out Jim died) One of the girls, lets call her Ashley was telling our science teacher how her nephews dad was in prison and had just died, he was in the for 6 years for rape. She said that the girl lied and it was sad that her nephew had to lose his dad, she said that her Aunt Jims kids mom was distraught and in shock he could ever do the things he was accused of. I knew she was talking about me, I kept it to myself. What happened happened, I can't change a thing.
This is me moving on and not being afraid to face any fear because I faced my biggest one. I will never stop healing but I can finally move on and let go. So Goodbye Jim.

Today 2023 I am 4 years into my recovery. I spent a lot of time covering and burying these feelings of neglect, hurt, loneliness, and hate for myself. I was addicted to crack/cocaine, I did cocaine before crack and almost hated it, it gave me the worst sinus infection and I eventually switched to meth. I was that kind of addict that could have died from the lifestyle alone. I traded my morals, self respect and care for anything I ever loved for one more hit. I failed rehab 3 times and did a little time in county. I was the only girl in county jail with the charge "prostitution." I look back now and I realize that the rehab time and all that bull shit was not for me to get better, if we are being honest if I recall one of the only reasons I went was to get out of the cold or because I had nowhere else to go. I wanted to get better but I knew deep down that I wasn't done with drugs, I admit everytime I walked into those doors of treatment my heart was not 100% on stopping drugs. I did try a few times to figure out why I turned to drugs and what was my deep core issue that I was covering up. This story explains finally why I am the way I am. Why I slept with over 20 guys by the time I was 15, including a married man. Now you can say what you want about me but I believe I was looking for love and affection. My innocence was taken from me at a very very young age and the influence I grew up around was not ideal for a kid. My mom and dad were young when they had me and now I know they got married because mom got pregnant, I think she was 19. My dad drank ALOT and he could get mentally, emotionally and physically abusive, if he got enough in him or drank whiskey. Dad has a big heart and I'm his only daughter, he is kind, generous, and a good dad.
I took a lot of time in rehab to try to uncover my issues and try to heal but I got scared and ran every time. This time was different. In 2019 I was left by a guy I depended on, we were both homeless and my stuff was in his truck. One night he decided he wasn't gonna pick me up after work and it left me no choice but to do whatever I could to survive these streets. I needed to put my ducks in a row. By the time I realized he wasn't coming it was 10pm, I needed to find a bed, food, shower maybe, and more drugs to barter with. I ran the streets for almost 2 weeks alone with no help or someone to lean on. When I met Mel, I was looking rough, I had bruises all up and down my arms and legs, I was 90lbs, I haven't eaten in a day or two, and the best part I had the clothes on my back and maybe one more outfit in my bag. I had no underwear, one bra, like no socks, it was truly ridiculous. I lost everything I ever loved and owned 2ce over. I was Finally tired, finally just done.
I met Mel in April of 2019, he was appalled when he realized how much I had lost and I still don't know what his true intentions were, maybe it was to help me or maybe it was to get in my pants, whatever it was I'm glad it happened. I got clean with Mels love and support, no rehab, no NA or AA, I was done and I knew I had to stop or I was gonna die.
These past 4 years I left state with Mel, we traveled for a bit and in this time I got to really think about what happened to me and why. It took some time for me to trust Mel and not think he was gonna leave in another state or somewhere stranded, he never did. I had nightmares, flashbacks, and bursts of anger for the first year. I really had to push through but I decided to write this story to maybe help someone that went through something similar.
I was in a relationship with a 31 yr old when I was 12-13 years old.
A little back story: When I was growing up my dad was a carefree kind and just a free spirit. He was a functional alcoholic, he would get off work and drink anywhere from a half gallon to a whole gallon of vodka a night and get up at 6am and go to work. My mom and dad got divorced when I was young so I was passed back and forth but my dads was my favorite. I was allowed to do whatever I wanted and as a teenager I took advantage of that. Dad had a lot of friends and they drank too. Dad was close to his brother and he had a few real close friends who were around everyday of my childhood for as long as I can remember. The one in particular I will never forget. I was young, I mean like maybe 7-8 when (let's call him Jim) I met Jim. He was young, good looking and had been friends with dad from work. Jim and another one of dads friends lived together so they all started hanging out at my house. I had a friend over and she was a little older that day when Jim first came to my house. She was curious about him and I don't remember much about that day but I do recall Jim laying his head on her lap while she played with his hair. She gave him those flirty eyes and they sat there and talked. Remind you even though Jim was in his late 20s and my friend was maybe 12-13 at the time. Not long after I met Jim he got into some trouble and was sent to prison for a few years.
Fast Forward>>>>>
I was 11 when I found a letter from Jim to my dad. I wasn't sure if I was even allowed to read it but I opened it up and read it anyway. I will never forget the letters that formed the word "tell wild child I said hi." I don't know why I got curious, I actually don't even know what I was thinking. I spent days thinking of the letter, I guess I was lonely, I had to have felt some type of emptiness to write him back. I was 11 writing a grown ass man in prison for pulling out a gun on some guys who robbed him. Me and Jim talked about everything, he became my best friend really quick. I don't know why but I felt comfortable talking to him and telling him things that were happening with me, my friends, my boyfriend, and my family. He talked about his wife and 2 boys, he gave advice and was just very sweet, acted like he understood me and was very genuine. I now see as an adult he was manipulating me as a child but that little girl was craving for attention. We got to know each other, we talked all the way up to the day me and my dad and my friend were with us pulled up to the house after school and there Jim was sitting on our porch, just chilling. Thats when things got confusing and fucked up. I hate telling this story. It is so hard for me to realize what he was doing to me the whole time..
I don't really wanna get into the specifics. Um.. we Got close when he got out, He touched me multiple times, and also touched my friends. He gave me a ring at one point, Jim was 31 years old and I was 13 years old. It wasn't right and I hate that it went on as long as it did. He would kiss me when my dad wasn't around and tell me he loved me. Until the night it all ended. My friend came over while Jim was there I had a boyfriend over and supposedly Jim raped her when I wasnt in the room. There were hickeys on her neck and she was partying and drinking like a rockstar when I left her. I still have no idea what happened that night we even remained friends for a long time after and she never talked about it. I confessed to her that he was doing the same shit to me as he had been touching me for almost a year. She eventually did go to the police that night and she told them about me and everything that was happening. The police charged Jim with 2 counts of sexual imposition with a minor and 1 count rape he got 6 years. I always felt so guilty for sending him to prison, I hated that I had to tell I was ashamed of what he did to me but I was a child. When Jim had 6 months left in his sentence he killed himself in prison. I still don't know if that is true, how he died but I have had to go through years of trying to accept this in my past and live life to the fullest everyday without the reminder of what Jim did to me. I still can't tell you how it affected me, I guess it did in all kinds of ways and me wanting the attention in the first place makes me wonder. Growing up with my father letting me do whatever I wanted mainly because he only had my part time and I didnt think he ever wanted to be "the bad guy". He was more of a friend to me and when he drank too much it could turn bad quick. All of it is in the past and I have tried my whole life to forgive myself for my part in his death. I wanted to tell some of my story. it goes farther than this but i needed to get it out into the world.
I want to make this clear, my dad was an addict/alcoholic. He did the best he could with what he was given, even though he was asleep during this event and many others, he was clueless but now looking back as a recovering addict that it wasn't my dads fault. We trusted this man, he was a close family friend for many many years. We never thought that he would target 3 teenage girls. I thought the man really cared about me and I believed what he told me.
Years later I changed schools my sophomore year and was in a small class with 2 girls and this geeky guy. (This was the year I found out Jim died) One of the girls, lets call her Ashley was telling our science teacher how her nephews dad was in prison and had just died, he was in the for 6 years for rape. She said that the girl lied and it was sad that her nephew had to lose his dad, she said that her Aunt Jims kids mom was distraught and in shock he could ever do the things he was accused of. I knew she was talking about me, I kept it to myself. What happened happened, I can't change a thing.
This is me moving on and not being afraid to face any fear because I faced my biggest one. I will never stop healing but I can finally move on and let go. So Goodbye Jim.