Word chums cheat

First I want to appologise for my bad writing skills, I never wrote something like that before but I really need to get this off my chest.
So my (m16) stepfather just destroyed the beautifull 3 years relationship with us by cheating on my mom with a employee of his company. We built a whole new life together, I dont even know why he would ruin everythinglike that... We were all just so happy... well, at least me, my mom and brother I guess. Me and stepfather were very close to each other, we talked a lot, had a lot of fun together and even played video games together. I even liked him more than my own dad. This whole thing broke my moms heart in a million pieces, she did everything for him. When she found out he cheated on her, she was completely devastated, a mix of rage and sadness. And she was crying, sobbing as I was just standing there... Watching this whole thing knowing that I couldnt do anything about it. Eventually she lost her head even and started trowing and breaking stuff furiously like a psychotic person. It took me a few seconds so my brain could tell reather if that was actually happening or not, cuz this couldnt be true, I thought. And unfortunately, it was, and I was the one that had to hold her so she wouldnt hurt anyone or even herself while i tried to calm her down. I've never seen her act like that, shes not the type of person that would do this. It was unreal, I was so confused, lost, scared, desperate... Seeing her like this just didnt feel real at all... lt just felt wrong... As I was trying to calm her down I eventually managed to do so, she calmed down and came back to normal, still crying a lot. She suffered from a really horrorible depression in the past and im afraid that it can come back even worse, since she still has anxiety issues. We had to move out to start a new life from 0, so we (me, brother and mom) packed our stuff up and the housekeeper let us stay in her house temporarily thankfully.
Next day (today), at 23:40 my stepfather sent me an appology text...

• "Hello My name Im not even going to ask if everything is okay... I just want to say that im sorry everything... You know, I've aways did everything from the heart and without any interests at all..... I make mistakes like any other human being, but I want to see the good in everyone.... You know, me and your mother had completely different upbringing and life experience and I think that was the crucial point..... But we tried..... Im going to miss you a lot..... I love you man..... You're such a smart and special fellow for me...... Take care... Im here if you need anything. Hope you can forgive me 🙏" (exact same words he used).

I cant just forgive him you know... I feel just as betrayed as my mother does, he ruined our lives like if it was nothing. I just left him on seen but I may not even reply to his message at all, I guess...?
So thats it... Thanks for reading and feel free to ask/tell me anything.

The video appeared on my recommendation feed at 1 in the night.
I promised my wife that I won’t use any electronic devices while in our vacation home (or a mansion) but I thought it won’t hurt to use it when she was asleep. I was extra careful to not wake her up as along with walking outside, me breaking her promises are the two things she hates the most. The silence was making me feel lonely as well but sitting down on the chair in the balcony made me appreciate the beautiful forest around us. Yet I knew this will be one of the rare chances that I’ll get to use my phone in this week long vacation especially since she had already urged me to have a hard-drinking game tomorrow night.
Then as I was scrolling down on my feed a video that was uploaded only an hour ago by a channel named “Aa12eightythree”. I usually avoid channels with wacky names like that, especially if they’re not verified but something about the bluish thumbnail with a shadow being illuminated on the radio made me think why don’t I give this video a shot. The video had no title which was nothing new and within a second I realized that it was a music video.
Except that there wasn’t much of a “video” in that.
The instrumental went on for the first 40 odd seconds, and then a vocaloid began singing. The lyrics were sounding gurgled and for the next 30 seconds I couldn’t recognize a thing. But the repetitive, soothing melody made me stay. The other thing that made me stay was the slight motion of the shadow. I could make out more of the shadow now. The shadow was definitely a female with an hourglass figure and it had a tinge of familiarity. I squinted my eyes hard enough to realize that she was dancing to the melody but before I could make more out of the song just screeched to an end.
“Did I stare into the figure for too long?”
No I didn’t. It was only 20 seconds past 2 minutes even though the video was 3 minutes and 22 seconds long. Then it appeared as if the shadow was closing her face in on the radio, but it shouldn’t have been possible. I could make out the facial features of the shadow and it was the most least feminine thing one could think of.
Its eyes, cheekbones and nose were the most definite of them but all of them were a bit too big for a face that petite. The eyes were looking down so far but the moment they looked towards the screen I turned my phone off. I couldn’t get a look in its eyes but I felt like I shouldn’t. I quietly returned to the bedroom with the phone still in my hand. It was irrational to be scared of a disproportionate face on the screen of an electronic device but I wasn’t irrational enough to just rest the phone in the balcony out of fear. I placed the phone on the desk near our bed and put up the blanket she had kicked away while sleeping back on her. As I saw her laid on her stomach I realized why I thought that figure was familiar.
“Hey sleepy-head wake up would ya? You can’t sleep that deep when we’re in the time of our life!”
These loud words woke me up. I opened my eyes slowly to see my vibrant wife, with a radio held in her hands.
“Look what I found under the stairs!” – She said as she proceeded to put the radio in my hands. I wasn’t about to hold a heavy object seconds after waking up so I put that thing on the table and went to wash my face. As I cleaned my eyes I remembered about the video last night. “What a coincidence” – I thought.
I returned and asked my wife if that had always been there but she claimed to not know a thing. This vacation home was owned by her aunt but for some reason she lit herself on fire and then jumped into the lake. I’ve never seen her and neither did I hear much about her so I didn’t know if it was natural for her to commit suicide. All I knew was that she never married and my wife heard from her mother that she didn’t if she even had a boyfriend in her life, ever. She left everything she had to her only sibling.
Neither I nor my wife knew how to operate a radio so I opened my phone to Google it. I wasn’t enthusiastic about it but my wife was.
But she wasn’t. I don’t know why but I felt that she wasn’t. It was almost as if she had burdened to operate it.
The more the day went on the more the feeling crept up on me. She was romantic, but not romantic enough to appreciate the beauty of dining table that seemed pretty boringly normal to me. The walls (which looked good I agree) were never short of compliments by my wife. And the same went on for nearly everything about the house until I said, “Let’s go explore the roof, there’s a lot of beauty in the nature that surrounds us here.”
Her tone changed and it didn’t take a moment for me to realize how insensitive that might’ve been.
Even though I’ve known her for years I still had no clue on how to proceed but she changed herself almost forcefully and proceeded to hold my hand and take me to the forest outside, on foot.
After all that, the drinking game came. Neither I nor my wife was much of a hard drinker so it ended quickly. She could only tolerate three shots though I cranked it up to five. We were to bed by 12, but I didn’t feel sleepy. My wife was groggy though. At around 12:50 I decided to go to the balcony to spend some time on my phone when the memory of last night came back to me. I opened YouTube to have the same video recommended to me.
But this was uploaded only an hour ago. The thumbnail was the same and it too didn’t have any title but it was only an hour old. I clicked on the channel but it was the channel’s first upload.
Well that was creepy.
But that didn’t stop me from watching the video. I didn’t have my headphones on me so I watched it on no sound and this time inside the first 20 seconds the face appeared. Knowing what will come I didn’t feel scared but before the eyes were revealed I did have a fleeting thought of turning my phone off. The eyes despite being enlarged were human-like. Despite the utter darkness I could make out that her eyes were hazel colored. She was mouthing something so I turned the volume up just a bit and got it close to my ear.
“She shouldn’t have done that.”
“I shouldn’t have done that.”
Two distinct voices came to me simultaneously, one from the phone and the other from my bedroom. It wasn’t new to have my wife sleep talking but this was a creepy co-incidence. Not more came off the video but this time I did complete the full length, which was still 3 minutes and 22 seconds.
The next day I was about to put the tray of tea-cups on the table for my wife when they fell to the floor. She tended to my wounds made by the scathing tea right away and cleaned up the floor as well. I think she came here in her childhood as she had a very good idea of where all the cleaning equipment were kept.
Looking at the radio in our bedroom I remembered the videos of the night. I thought about telling my wife about those but thought she might be angry at me for breaking my promise. As we both sat dull on the bed I decided to break the silence.
“So there was this video last night-”
Shit. I didn’t intent to break the silence with those words. Her eyes gleamed back to me, not with anger. I decided to keep on with it and told her the story. I was so into telling her about the videos that it was only after I finished did I notice the tears streaming down her cheeks.
“Can you please get out of the home with me for a sec?”
She had requested me many things in her life but somehow I realized that it was the most important thing she has ever wanted for me.
Under the tree she told me everything.
“Remember the day we fought about none of us having a future because of the way things are going? I went straight to my mom after that and she requested me to go visit my aunt as she’d feeling quite depressed lately. I went to her house, or mansion you should say. She was happy to see her niece after ages but somehow I wasn’t. I didn’t like how that loner of an old woman had so much yet she was feeling what, depressed? How privileged. She had a whole mansion to herself when me and you had to live inside that cramped apartment, both of us having to put up with each other’s shit. Each day I saw her, closely and for the love of my life I couldn’t understand why she was so down all the time. You have everything I could ever want! That’s when it hit me. I can just put her out of her misery. It would benefit her and benefit myself, greatly. I imagined a life where both of us could live here with all the freedom one could want. But I knew that the thoughts will only remain as an imagination. Never could I kill my aunt. But I think one cheat code that old people have is experience. One evening as I was tending to her she told me, “You’re having dark thoughts, haven’t you?” I was taken aback. “What do you mean”?
“You are right, I don’t deserve this.”
I decided not to delve further as I was scared that perhaps she was just rambling about and I would mistakenly let thoughts be known to her. The next day I heard a loud shriek from the roof and by the time I reached there I saw my burning aunt fling herself to the lake.”
I didn’t know how to feel about all this. I couldn’t anger up on her since I knew the thoughts she had were to improve the condition of our lives. She didn’t even act on those impulses. This mansion is nice though, I wondered. “Would I have been able to conceal my desires if I had been in her place?”
“I was absolutely lifeless as I saw the scene.” – She restarted. “But after I read the letter my feelings were left nowhere to shelter itself. The letter was kept under a radio on the table. I tore down the letter and burned it as it could be used for evidence against me as it mentioned my dark thoughts in the end but I don’t know what anyone would’ve done knowing her dark desires in her youth. Getting a girlfriend, a rich one at that in an age where she wouldn’t even be accepted by her own family she moved in with her at this mansion. Secretly, they put each other on their wills as well. Not that my aunt had anything to leave her to. But somehow, someway she killed her. She described it as strangulation but didn’t go much into the details. The guilt had been eating her up ever since and I think my desires pushed her off the edge on the day.”
She was near tears at this point and I held her close. I forgave her. How could I not? Her tears couldn’t stop falling, but mine didn’t fall. It never did.
Until now. Five years later I’m writing this, thinking it would absorb me of my guilt somehow. It won’t. Someway, somehow I killed her. I don’t know if I can enjoy living in this mansion now, but I hope that whoever finds me here can even if that comes at the expense of my life.

𝙒𝙚𝙡𝙘𝙤𝙢𝙚 𝙈𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙖𝙜𝙚
Hello and welcome, Lunastasia, I'm an enigma of your writing pleasure be it mine or yours. I'm rebranding myself. Roleplaying for me is a fun hobby. I'm not here to hook up, happily taken, My partner and I are writers. I will write ERP/DRP/Smut etc. That's not my focus. This might come off as rough or I'm a asshole. I apologize in advance but I'm just a tired roleplayer.
𝘼𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙈𝙚
I'm an Adult 27 years of age. That being said I work full time. I've been roleplaying since young enough to remember AIM. I am Female behind this screen if it matters to you. I'm a Detailed Story Teller but sometimes I get lazy. My grammar and spelling may sometimes be off. I AM HUMAN, Will Happily write 2-4 paragraphs. I prefer Quality over Quantity respectively I won't write a book. 250 words to 500 words only. Your welcome to type a book but I won't match it. For the love of God don't give me one sentence responses. My starters will always be long.
𝙍𝙪𝙡𝙚𝙨

• 3rd Pov only I leave if broken ( Hard Stop )
• Respect
• Patience Please. I work.
• No one liners.
• I will write DRP. Dont make it the focus.
• Please tell me limits and triggers. I'm not a mind reader.
• Introduce yourself its a must.

𝙇𝙞𝙢𝙞𝙩𝙨

• Don’t Ask me about kinks. That simply flags me your intended purpose and I'm not the partner for you.
  
• I know sometimes people write flashbacks I don't want to read detailed child abuse of any kind. All Characters must be above the age of 18 if there's to be romance between characters.
  
• Control your character not mine please. If this happens I leave without warning. Don't control how my character, acts, feels, and what they wear.
  
• Please give your character some form of Depth. I don't want to roleplay with Alpha Males or Super Shy girls. It's annoying.
  
• anything with body manipulation or bad endings.
  

𝙇𝙤𝙫𝙚𝙨

• All roleplays will contain romance of some kind
• A partner that helps provide to the story
• Posting Memes with my Writing Partner
• Communication.
• No pressure Environment. Leave if you need to.
• drumroll.....

𝙋𝙡𝙤𝙩𝙨
To End A War (Craving)
Sophate and Anoria had been fighting for ages after Anoria had murder the previous King of Sophate during a summit. After the death of Y/C's father. Y/C swore to avenge him with the assistance of his people. Sophate and Anoria went to war. Years of war Y/C would be called a Tyrant a Warlord with no sense of Mercy. Rumors whispered though Anoria as Y/C began claiming land. Years of death and war both kingdom's wanted a solution. That was an Arranged Marriage. Y/C suspected a trap.
>!Anoria was supposed to marry his eldest daughter to Y/C but in turn choose his youngest as a punishment for her miss spoken judgements. Except Y/C had no idea he was marrying a women. Who was currently leading the Anoria rebellion against her father's back.
Y/C had set his own trap this time not taking a chance demanding that he was to have the princess's virginity the first night of the peace talks. A ball to celebrated of their engagement. While Y/C makes his move and to capture the King and behead him after he had claimed the Kings daughter. While M/C is busy trying to make sure that her father doesn't interrupt the Engagement.!<
His Saving Grace - Modern Day Roleplay (craving)
Y/C had it all the car, the women of his dreams, and more importantly a business that made him millions. He thought his life was perfect. Except it all came crashing down when he had discovered his wife of 10 years decided to cheat on him. He came home one night after the company's big announcement, confused why she was not there, only to find her in bed with another man in their home. Y/C was crushed to the point his productivity slipped. He was drinking and depressed he couldn't get out of the funk. To top everything off she was demanding a divorce and alimony that he didn't want to fight. All while on the sidelines his partner was having to watch him go down him. M/C picked up the slack for having to care for things while Y/C was depressed. To the point she was doing things, she shouldn't have to do. Making sure he had clean clothes and ate for the day. She was growing concerned but it finally boiled over. When she could no longer see him wallowing in self-pity. He deserved better. She helped him get a good divorce lawyer and was prepared to help him fight the Alimony and now he found out his soon-to-be ex-wife is pregnant and he doesn't know what to do.
Reunited At Last - Bootleggers Plot
>! - Their Past - Y/C and M/C have been in the trenches of WWI. Y/C was a trench raider, and M/C was a nurse with the Red Cross. They had gotten along since the beginning, and every time they crossed paths, it was flirtatious and innocent joining the way when both of them were barely adults. They took small moments with one another when she was busy patching up people. He took just the idle moments between one another. Toward the end of the war, they were both darker both tormented by the things they saw. Separated the day he was injured, near death, he was pushed into their hospital resources were low, and they were going to allow him to die. She fought people to help him and saved his life till she took it upon herself to save his life. When he was breathing again after nearly dying. She was ripped away and thrown in a brig till she was sent back to America for disobeying doctors' orders and using resources. She was told he had died and soon had to live with that but, miscommunications on the field he was very much alive. - Reunited - After WWI the men that returned were haunted by the horrors the Germans caused on the battlefield. Many turned to the bottle others drowned themselves in work. Men flocked to America for new opportunities. Y/C and a friend decided that they wanted to get into the booze business but that quickly soured. As his friend wound up in prison. The Eighteenth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution took away licenses to do business from the brewers, distillers, vintners, and the wholesale and retail sellers of alcoholic beverages, and in 1920 alcohol was outlawed, thus beginning a new war. Deciding it was best to get into the bootlegging business. The novelty soon finds himself more drinking from the bottle than actually making his business run till he runs back into M/C who was working for a large crime family as a Doctor.!<
Accepting

• war plots like ww1 or ww2
• medieval fantasy
• Warlord anything
• Anything with action and adventure.

Long story short: November 20th 2022 news broke her at the time Fiance was cheating on her, she got back with him cause he "changed". She believes this because he tells her everywhere he goes and sends pictures of his watch. I don't give a flying fuck how much he proves that he won't do it again it doesn't change that he did it. I consider him her boyfriend i hate now.
Anyway off topic a bit, it is 9 pm here and I share a wall with my mom. Im just sitting there trying to learn some piano and just... kill me. Like ive heard her bed squeaking before but just put on headphones ignore but my headphones were on my bed, I've never been that close to the wall so you could like fucking barfs
Anyway im going to go jump off a damn bridge (/j) now i am so uncomfortable. Like it is already bad hearing that from any point of view. But with him being a cheater and me being ace, i actually feel fucking nauseous right now. I don't know if I'm being dramatic or if it makes sense for this to be an Ace thing.
Pathetic bitch didn't even last a minute though so like damn what a loser. Plus at like 9pm?!! It isn't even that late bro! Mannn what the fuck I'm supposed to be spending the day with my mom tomorrow i ain't ever gonna look at her the same. Any words of wisdom in these trying times? cries

Idk if this stuff is bad. Even if it is, I feel like everyone has some type of heinous story, so who really cares? Is the whole world going to go to therapy and cry with me about their lives? There are so many people to feel bad for. Idk if I'm numb or whats wrong with me but tell me what u think.
I just feel like it's like... having problems because you grew up during a war, but so did everyone else. Who really cares about your individual experience? What are you gonna do, cry?

1. My cousin was my age and forcibly fingered me. I was 10. We did other shit but I did not enjoy myself. My cousin regularly told me how secretive everything was and encouraged me to make videos. When I confronted my cousin about it later they said I was remembering everything completely wrong and that I was a fucking liar.

My assessment: Not that bad but had an annoyingly bad effect on me

1. I was 14 and this guy made me put my hand in his pants when I was kissing him. He's kind of a loser now with a mullet and i dont really think about this much at all

My assessment: Not rly that bad but kind of unfortunate

1. 18 year old reaches out to 15 yr old me to go on "date." When i gets there he pushes me into a car, starts kissing her. I gave him head but then he wont let me leave and keeps making me continue when im trying to leave. He'd ask if im ok but would twist my arm when i tried to go. i told him i wanted to leave repeatedly. After i left he blocked me on social media and moved to another state. I reported this to the police and they said it was a "mildly serious" case.

My assessment: This rly sucked and took a while to get over it

1. FWB would randomly take the condom off in the dark without notice. Or he would put it in my ass when i was too high to really respond, but eventually took it out when i told him to.

My assessment: Idk this feels like a mild annoyance

1. Dude I was hooking up with regularly called me stupid and the r word. He made me have sex without a condom and made me cuddle with him after. He told me he [email protected] me and smiled. the next few days he was really paranoid i would go to the police. he got more sexually vanilla and i got mad at him about this and insulted his manhood

My assessment: Honestly the sex was pretty good so i feel more annoyed than anything

1. Dude took off condom intentionally and finished in me without warning, then stalked me for a bit.

My assessment: Unfortunate, gross

1. I had a one nights stand and guy demands sex from 11pm-6am and sets timers. He asked so much and i eventually let him do whatever because i was so tired

My assessment: Idk i dont really think about this at all

1. i went to guy's house and he was much uglier in person. I told him previously about bad sexual experiences in a vague way. He's insistent about making out with her immediately and making me get on my knees to blow him. He returns the favor and it wasn't unenjoyable but he grossed me out in general. Guy becomes obsessed with me and also wouldnt leave me alone. i dont think about this a lot but i think its gross

My assessment: Gross but ok

1. I kept getting groped her at a party and i was embarrassed so she just had sex with him.

My assessment: Unfortunate, more of my fault lol
10)I told a guy to stop during sex. He said he just needs "a bit more" but i punch him in the throat instead.
My assessment: It's ok he deserved it lol
11) im rly high and dont know who i am. i have unprotected creampie sex with a guy while im at least partially passed out. but he did check in with me a lot. we begin dating. He gets obsessive and jealous. He would threaten to hit/rape me if she didn't have sex with him (in a calm voice). He'd also tell her how worthless i was when they cuddled together. But sometimes he'd also be caring and understanding if i didnt want sex. He got very mad at me (theywe both cheated on each other) and inflicted pain leading to me crying and getting a migraine, then left and cut off contact with me. Though ,he did try to reconnect many times
My assessment: This relationship was not ideal but I feel like I provoked him regularly and intentionally
12) Guy puts in it when i kept tellign him not to without a condom. i got chlamydia.
My assessment: i feel like this is a mild annoyance
Other Possibly Concerning Events-

1. at 15 i made out with college aged men
2. at 15 yr i kept getting felt up by grown men on acid at concerts repeatedly
3. at 17 2 hs boys surrounded me and begged me to kiss them and touch them. it was night so there was no one else on the beach

It’s been since December 9th, 2022 that I last saw you. I went to go drop off the money I owed your mother and you failed to come out and at least say hi.. I’m not gonna sugar coat it and say that that really hurt me. I’m not sure if you just didn’t come out of your room due to tiredness or if you just didn’t want to see me. Either way I had hoped you would have at least come out to acknowledge my existence.
It’s crazy. I still think about you everyday. I think about if you wake up for work, if you eat breakfast, if you pack lunch or if your mom does that for you, If you have a bad day or not. I think about if you are taking care of your mental health and finding ways to decompress.
I miss you. I hate to admit it, but I miss you. I miss our home. I miss coming home to you and watching you play over watch, or watching anime together. I miss simply having you there to hug and protect me from my thoughts. I know I put you in tough situations where you might have felt like you didn’t help, but I wish you knew how much those things meant to me. Just to have you listen and acknowledge how I was feeling and hug me while I cried… it’s so sad because I wish I could do that right now.
I’m sorry for even writing you this. I think I’m just tired of putting on an act where I’m over you… when in reality I’m not. I had hope you would come back but I’m starting to come to terms that you never will. I know you may or may not be happy with your new bf. I know you have apologized multiple times for things but I had just hoped that you tried to at least stay in contact with me and not just cut me out of everything cold turkey.
I also wanted to apologize for some of the things you brought up when you dumped me. The whole money situation when I said that you were using me for money… I blamed you for much of my childhood trauma where my mother would take my money from birthday parties and spend it on things for her. I am so sorry and hate myself for even saying it. I never realized how much that impacted you nor did I try to talk to you about it and now see how much those words can hurt. I really am sorry… like I get why you felt miserable. I get why you wanted to leave.
I’m also sorry for the times I made you feel belittled. When I would say things that made you feel less of a person. Money was always something that we always had issues with and it’s something that comes and goes. I hope you realize that money is just paper and I had no right to make you feel any way about it. I can only imagine how much trauma I caused you by saying these things.
Of course there was also the times I cheated when we first started going out. If I’m honest I did it because I always had the idea that you were too good for me. I always knew deep down you would eventually leave me for someone thinner. Call me a witch or whatever but I’m so happy for you. I did what I did and you stayed with me, I’m so sorry for that too. You didn’t deserve that. You were always such a good bf until our last few months when the lies and hate started.
If I’m honest, I don’t hold anything against you. I truly wish you and your new bf the best. I wish you nothing but success and happiness. I just hate that I’m not apart of that. I don’t think we can be friends either because even the few times we have met after works when I hug you I can’t help but want to hold you and fall asleep. You were my home. You were everything to me. I was super toxic and you were as well. We were just not in good places in life. I hope your not in a worst place, especially with all the things I brought up regarding your bf to you last time. I hope you don’t fall into those footsteps and start using something.
I wonder how you mom and dad are doing. How your little brother is doing in school. They were like family to me at this point. I wonder how your dads mom is doing after her hospitalization. It’s crazy, I know you mom wasn’t the biggest fan of me but I hope she and your dad knew all I ever wanted was to help push you to your greatest capability. I know how resilient you are and know that you are capable of achieving so much. I had hoped with me pushing you it would motivate you. I now realize how this caused you to feel even more belittled, and I am so sorry.
I guess the point of this is to reach out and make sure you are okay. I doubt I’ll sent this to you but if I do I’m so sorry. My heart just can’t take it. Like I told you, you will always have place in my heart that no one will ever take or replace and I mean that till the day I die, or go forbid I do something to end my life. I don’t think about it but I do have dreams of me crashing and you being at my funeral, it’s a crazy idea but who knows.
If that ever does happen I do hope you know it was never your fault. I have so much trauma and crap I have to still go through that life has become unbearable at times. I love you, and always will. Take care of yourself please.
Love, Anonymous

Idk if this stuff is bad. Even if it is, I feel like everyone has some type of heinous story, so who really cares? Is the whole world going to go to therapy and cry with me about their lives? There are so many people to feel bad for. Idk if I'm numb or whats wrong with me but tell me what u think.
I just feel like it's like... having problems because you grew up during a war, but so did everyone else. Who really cares about your individual experience? What are you gonna do, cry?

1. My cousin was my age and forcibly fingered me. I was 10. We did other shit but I did not enjoy myself. My cousin regularly told me how secretive everything was and encouraged me to make videos. When I confronted my cousin about it later they said I was remembering everything completely wrong and that I was a fucking liar.

My assessment: Not that bad but unreasonably bad for me lol

1. I was 14 and this guy made me put my hand in his pants when I was kissing him. He's kind of a loser now with a mullet and i dont really think about this much at all

My assessment: Not rly that bad but kind of unfortunate

1. 18 year old reaches out to 15 yr old me to go on "date." When i gets there he pushes me into a car, starts kissing her. I gave him head but then he wont let me leave and keeps making me continue when im trying to leave. He'd ask if im ok but would twist my arm when i tried to go. i told him i wanted to leave repeatedly. After i left he blocked me on social media and moved to another state. I reported this to the police and they said it was a "mildly serious" case.

My assessment: This rly sucked

1. FWB would randomly take the condom off in the dark without notice. Or he would put it in my ass when i was too high to really respond, but eventually took it out when i told him to.

My assessment: Idk this feels like a mild annoyance

1. Dude I was hooking up with regularly called me stupid and the r word. He made me have sex without a condom and made me cuddle with him after. He told me he [email protected] me and smiled. the next few days he was really paranoid i would go to the police. he got more sexually vanilla and i got mad at him about this and insulted his manhood

My assessment: Honestly the sex was pretty good so i feel more annoyed than anything

1. Dude took off condom intentionally and finished in me without warning, then stalked me for a bit.

My assessment: Unfortunate, gross

1. I had a one nights stand and guy demands sex from 11pm-6am and sets timers. He asked so much and i eventually let him do whatever because i was so tired

My assessment: Idk i dont really think about this at all

1. i went to guy's house and he was much uglier in person. I told him previously about bad sexual experiences in a vague way. He's insistent about making out with her immediately and making me get on my knees to blow him. He returns the favor and it wasn't unenjoyable but he grossed me out in general. Guy becomes obsessed with me and also wouldnt leave me alone. i dont think about this a lot but i think its gross

My assessment: Gross but ok

1. I kept getting groped her at a party and i was embarrassed so she just had sex with him.

My assessment: Unfortunate, more of my fault lol
10)I told a guy to stop during sex. He said he just needs "a bit more" but i punch him in the throat instead.
My assessment: It's ok he deserved it lol
11) im rly high and dont know who i am. i have unprotected creampie sex with a guy while im at least partially passed out. but he did check in with me a lot. we begin dating. He gets obsessive and jealous. He would threaten to hit/rape me if she didn't have sex with him (in a calm voice). He'd also tell her how worthless i was when they cuddled together. But sometimes he'd also be caring and understanding if i didnt want sex. He got very mad at me (theywe both cheated on each other) and inflicted pain leading to me crying and getting a migraine, then left and cut off contact with me. Though ,he did try to reconnect many times
My assessment: This relationship was not ideal but I feel like I provoked him regularly and intentionally
12) Guy puts in it when i kept tellign him not to without a condom. i got chlamydia.
My assessment: i feel like this is a mild annoyance
Other Possibly Concerning Events-

1. at 15 i made out with college aged men
2. at 15 yr i kept getting felt up by grown men on acid at concerts repeatedly
3. at 17 2 hs boys surrounded me and begged me to kiss them and touch them. it was night so there was no one else on the beach

Idk if this stuff is bad. Even if it is, I feel like everyone has some type of heinous story, so who really cares? Is the whole world going to go to therapy and cry with me about their lives? There are so many people to feel bad for. Idk if I'm numb or whats wrong with me but tell me what u think.
I just feel like it's like... having problems because you grew up during a war, but so did everyone else. Who really cares about your individual experience? What are you gonna do, cry?

1. My cousin was my age and forcibly fingered me. I was 10. We did other shit but I did not enjoy myself. My cousin regularly told me how secretive everything was and encouraged me to make videos. When I confronted my cousin about it later they said I was remembering everything completely wrong and that I was a fucking liar.

My assessment: Not that bad but unreasonably bad for me lol

1. I was 14 and this guy made me put my hand in his pants when I was kissing him. He's kind of a loser now with a mullet and i dont really think about this much at all

My assessment: Not rly that bad but kind of unfortunate

1. 18 year old reaches out to 15 yr old me to go on "date." When i gets there he pushes me into a car, starts kissing her. I gave him head but then he wont let me leave and keeps making me continue when im trying to leave. He'd ask if im ok but would twist my arm when i tried to go. i told him i wanted to leave repeatedly. After i left he blocked me on social media and moved to another state. I reported this to the police and they said it was a "mildly serious" case.

My assessment: This rly sucked

1. FWB would randomly take the condom off in the dark without notice. Or he would put it in my ass when i was too high to really respond, but eventually took it out when i told him to.

My assessment: Idk this feels like a mild annoyance

1. Dude I was hooking up with regularly called me stupid and the r word. He made me have sex without a condom and made me cuddle with him after. He told me he [email protected] me and smiled. the next few days he was really paranoid i would go to the police. he got more sexually vanilla and i got mad at him about this and insulted his manhood

My assessment: Honestly the sex was pretty good so i feel more annoyed than anything

1. Dude took off condom intentionally and finished in me without warning, then stalked me for a bit.

My assessment: Unfortunate, gross

1. I had a one nights stand and guy demands sex from 11pm-6am and sets timers. He asked so much and i eventually let him do whatever because i was so tired

My assessment: Idk i dont really think about this at all

1. i went to guy's house and he was much uglier in person. I told him previously about bad sexual experiences in a vague way. He's insistent about making out with her immediately and making me get on my knees to blow him. He returns the favor and it wasn't unenjoyable but he grossed me out in general. Guy becomes obsessed with me and also wouldnt leave me alone. i dont think about this a lot but i think its gross

My assessment: Gross but ok

1. I kept getting groped her at a party and i was embarrassed so she just had sex with him.

My assessment: Unfortunate, more of my fault lol
10)I told a guy to stop during sex. He said he just needs "a bit more" but i punch him in the throat instead.
My assessment: It's ok he deserved it lol
11) im rly high and dont know who i am. i have unprotected creampie sex with a guy while im at least partially passed out. but he did check in with me a lot. we begin dating. He gets obsessive and jealous. He would threaten to hit/rape me if she didn't have sex with him (in a calm voice). He'd also tell her how worthless i was when they cuddled together. But sometimes he'd also be caring and understanding if i didnt want sex. He got very mad at me (theywe both cheated on each other) and inflicted pain leading to me crying and getting a migraine, then left and cut off contact with me. Though ,he did try to reconnect many times
My assessment: This relationship was not ideal but I feel like I provoked him regularly and intentionally
12) Guy puts in it when i kept tellign him not to without a condom. i got chlamydia.
My assessment: i feel like this is a mild annoyance
Other Possibly Concerning Events-

1. at 15 i made out with college aged men
2. at 15 yr i kept getting felt up by grown men on acid at concerts repeatedly
3. at 17 2 hs boys surrounded me and begged me to kiss them and touch them. it was night so there was no one else on the beach

I have been with my BF for 3 years as of April 4th 2023. Our relationship was amazing for me for the first 10 months. We had no serious issues, never fought, and we got along quite well. It was so good that I quickly considered him to be the best friend I ever had bc in a weird way I felt like he really understood me. Everything was nice until we reached the 11 month mark and I slowly started to learn about lies he would tell me. I'll spare you the details, but for a few weeks it was like every other day I was learning about something new he did in the first 10 months together. A lot of it involved things that I consider micro-cheating and I have since forgiven him for it. At the time I was learning about all of the things he did I was quite devastated. Up until me learning about all these things, we had never had a fight, but once all the lies and hurt started coming out we started arguing a lot. Anyways, that's all not super important, but among all our bickering and me prying a ton to get all the truth out of him I learned something that for, about 2 years now, I haven't been able to shake. Among the things he did to me that he admitted to doing, one was that ,when we were around 6 months in, he had sexual conversations with men on a texting app. He shared with me the things they talked about. Most of what he told them was that he wanted to suck their you know what. In him telling me all of this he was insisting that he "isn't gay" and that he was just confused. I, loving him so much and not wanting to lose him, brushed it off and forgave him. That was until I learned about something else. One of the things that he had lied to me about at the beginning that I soon came to learn was about his sexual past. Now what he had originally admitted to me wasn't that far from the story he told me before. He simply admitted to exaggerating the truth, so I wasn't too upset about it. Once I learned about the sexual conversations with men, I started getting really really skeptical. I was especially skeptical because of all the lying I had learned about. Some of the lies were small, others were bad but not terrible, but some were pretty big lies. So, I started prying into him for days. I begged him and pleaded that he just please give me the full truth and nothing else. That was when he told me "Look, I was going to take this to my grave, but I don't want to lie to you anymore. I lied to you about how many people I've had sexual interactions with. A few weeks before we ever met, I gave a man oral." I remember his words. They replay in my head all the time, even two years later. The only issue is, I stayed with him and within 3 weeks of me learning that information, I got pregnant. I was at a loss for what to do. Abortion and adoption was out of the question for me. So ofc I kept the baby and I now have a 13 month old son. I've stayed with my bf through it all because I wanted to give my son a family. I don't want to get into it because I'm not here to get a bunch of messages of people saying "leave him, you're better than that", "just co-parent and leave that sucker", and all the other things I've heard more than enough times. I'm choosing to stay and that's that. I have no issue with forgiving, but my issue is that I don't want to be with someone that is gay. My issue is the lingering question "is he gay?". Given the two circumstances I presented, what do you think? Is he gay if it was a one time thing and the messaging other men was years ago at this point and (to my knowledge) nothing else has happed since, or was he just confused. Ik it's a loaded question because you can't be in his mind to answer it, but based on your experience, am I dealing with someone with repressed homosexuality or someone who may have had a period of serious confusion. Am I better off not betting my chances that he is Gay or giving him a chance? Is it possible for a man to show an obvious attraction to men for a period of time, but then claim they aren't gay and that they were just having "gay thoughts"?

I do not understand why people cheat. What kind of beast are we that we will deliberately inflict the worst kind of pain on the person we swore to love, who has been there for us through everything, and made countless sacrifices for our well-being? In the process, we rob our 'loved one' of dignity, pride, self worth, and a host of other things that cannot be restored. My betrayal happened 25 years ago and completely broke me. I recently read a couple posts from guys whose betrayals happened years ago, too, which has inspired me to write, although advice, support, condemnation are really no longer pertinent.
If you had asked me until the day, I would have stated that I had been born with a silver spoon in my mouth. Although I came from a fairly poor family, I had absolutely everything else because of my Katie, We were born in the same month, as first children to young parents who lived on the same street, only a couple blocks apart. So my Katie was in my life right from the start, and we became a 'thing' without knowing it. We spent so much time together that it just seemed natural that she was n at my place, or I was at hers. By the end of elementary school, a favorite activity of the boys and girls was to meet up somewhere before we went in for the night and steal a few kisses. It was never stated, but I didn't kiss the other girls, and she only kissed me.
Our transition to high school began horribly for me. I have to add at this point that Katie was stunning, like upper first percentile gorgeous. I never saw her equal. All the boys noticed her. The unwritten rules of elementary school did not apply here and soon all the boys in the school vied for her attention. They staked out her locker, jostled with one another to see her between classes, and at lunch. We were always intercepted on the way to school by boys in cars. I was devastated. How could a grade nine boy have any chance against bigger, stronger, richer boys who had cars and money? My love of school vanished. I became morose, didn't study, didn't walk her to school. In fact, I told my mom that I wanted to quit. Katie's mom saved the day by phoning my mom to ask if I was OK. I hadn't been over for a long time, and Katie was worried about what was going on. She invited me over next evening and she, I, and Katie sat down and talked. When I explained myself, Katie assured me that as far as she was concerned, I was, am, and always would be her boyfriend. My love of life returned. The unwanted attention of men, though, never went away.
By the time grade 12 ended, I had given her a promissory ring which she had accepted. We had begun making decisions about our careers: she wanted to be a dental technician, and I had decided on a general year of arts and sciences at university. We remained in our parents' homes in order to save money, and due to an unexpected offer by her parents, this was fine with us both. A favorite activity of ours was to drive out into the country away from city lights. We would park our car, throw an unzipped sleeping bag across the hood and windshield, then a couple pillows for our heads. We covered up with a light blanket, then snuggled up as we watched the sky, talking, wishing upon the falling stars, etc. before moving to the backseat. We had been sexually active since the summer before. This time we fell asleep and didn't wake up before morning.
Her parents were up making breakfast when we arrived so I prepared myself for a scene. Instead, Katie's mom calmly asked us to sit down and have breakfast. I still waited for the shoe to drop. They asked where we had been and I thought that at 19, I was old enough to tell them the truth, so it was time to man up. They both smiled and her dad told us that their main concern was our safety so instead of using the backseat, I would be welcome to sleep with her in her room. This was before cell-phones, by the way, so parents did not know where their kids were, and couldn't find out. Her mom told me that it had been clear for a long time that we loved one another and were inseparable, and her dad told me that he was proud that his daughter had found such a fine young man. Our Sex was always fantastic. We spent hours discovering our bodies and how to pleasure one another. I was the king of the world.
For brevity, I will speed things up but I wish I could go on. The lengths I went to to show her how much I loved her, and the thousands on wonderful things we did as a couple might make it easier for readers to relate to the completeness of my destruction when it came.. She finished her course and quickly got a job. We took an apartment together after my third year. I had made the decision, with her input, to go into teaching. I had the capability to do anything else, but teaching afforded us more time together. More time with her was something money could not buy. After my fourth year, I proposed, and we set a date for the early summer after I convocated. We stayed in our apartment for one more year, and in the year following, I had landed a job. We bought a house in which we planned to live forever. We planned on having children after I had been given a permanent contract.
At 28 we began our family, welcoming our son, David. I was so proud of Katie and of David. I think I acted as if Katie were the first woman in the world to give birth. It was wonderful and terrifying. I had prepared for the birth, but the violence of it shocked me. I relied on the two mothers for advice and the three women were constantly amused with my playing mother hen. What is she feeling? What does she need? What should I do? When can we have 'relations' again? The birth brought me even closer to Katie. I had often heard that once born, children become the number one in their parents' eyes, supplanting their partners. Not me. Katie was a miracle, a wonder. She had always been my best friend, lover, soulmate, etc. Now she had become my soul itself. There simply was no me without her. Now, sometimes, in the deadness inside my heart, I can almost conjure these feelings. I felt even greater pride when Hannah arrived after David, three years later to be exact.
Katie's employers were very generous to their employees. Every second year, they would give the hygienists, technicians, receptionists, etc., a five day long weekend. The girls would make all the plans, and the practice would pay all the costs. One year, once the kids were older (David 10, Hannah 7), I had made plans to take the kids somewhere special, instead of the usual trip to one or the other grandparents. Instead, we were going to a city far away with a famous mall that featured a huge water park, indoor amusements, submarine ride, and so on. Pretty exciting for all three of us. Once it was time, I drove my love to the airport where she was to meet up with the others, and we set off.
I will just cut to the chase here. On the second day, the kids and I were wading toward the wave pool, when we saw something that stopped my heart. Outside the park, but on their way there, were Katie and someone I didn't know, walking hand in hand. In this place! Countless people from everywhere go there. And, As I stated upfront, with her looks anyone who had ever seen her would recognize her immediately. "There's mommy" declared Hannah. The tears were already flowing when Davey asked, "Dad?' He wanted me to assure him, I guess. The cheating couple found a pair of reclining beach chairs, and before sitting down, exchanged a long, passionate kiss, hands massaging the others' butts. Davey asked me again, "Dad", but I was just gasping and couldn't form sounds. As the cheaters separated and sat down, Hannah began running toward Katie, calling "Mommy, mommy". As she recognised Hannah, Katie was in full panic, scanning the crowd until she finally saw us. I began walking toward them, and she buried her face into the bath towels she had brought. I stopped in front of AP and asked Hanna to come to me. "So asshole, I want to introduce you to the children whose family you just destroyed. I hope their faces haunt you for the rest of your miserable life." He met my words with a shit-eating grin, long practised, and went and sat a few chairs further away, without uttering a sound.
I told the kids to stay with their mom and high-tailed it to our room. I changed as quickly as I could, leaving most of my stuff, and all the kids'. At reception, I explained that Katie would eventually want to know where I was, and that it was OK to tell her I had left, and to let her into the room to get the kids' things. I am not proud of this, but I figured that two kids might inject a little coitus interruptus into their plans. Then I began a very long and lonely eight hour drive home, punctuated by many stops along the highway as my sobbing at times grew too intense for me to keep going. When I arrived at our house, I pulled the phone jack out of the wall. I sat down, and wrote each of the kids a long letter which I placed onto their pillows. I took a hockey bag, stuffed it with random clothes and items I thought I'd need. I had had more romantic plans for the bathtub, but I ran a lot of water into it and poured the better part of two gallons of bleach in. Then, every wedding picture, or photo of the two of us I could find (all the pre-children photo albums) and all the lingerie and other sexy things I had given her. Wedding certificate, too.
Before I left, I laid out the house for the reception I had wanted to give her. The week before this, I had purchased two hundred, thick, white candles of various heights, and commissioned two of Katie's colleagues to get me the oils and lotions she might like. I laid out the candles beginning at the entrance like a little path leading to the bathroom. Candles crowded all the horizontal surfaces in the bathroom, and the bath oils and lotions were placed nearest to the tub. I had gotten two new large hotel grade white bath towels that I placed on the toilet seat. On top of that, was the lingerie and other sexy things I had bought for the night, except I cut them up. The kids were to stay with grandpa and grandma, and our neighbor and his wife were to light the candles after I phoned them from the airport. Our bedroom, too, was loaded with candles, and I folded over her side of the bed and tore off the petals of two dozen roses to sprinkle onto the sheets. It was to be the homecoming of all time. I left my wedding ring on the kitchen table, scooped a few photos of the kids and left, forever.
I was in no condition to see anyone, so I booked into a cheap motel to wait for Tuesday--long weekend, remember. I did phone my principal and explained that he needed to find a sub because I would not be in in the near term. Tuesday morning, I made an appointment with a divorce lawyer and gave him the terms: I would take out half the money in our checking or savings account, whichever was most, but relinquished claim to everything else. I asked for visiting rights during holiday periods. I would never see Katie face to face; all communication was through the lawyer who was not allowed to disclose my whereabouts to anyone. I headed toward a part of the country where there was a housing boom to find some kind of basic job that paid the bills . I never even thought about teaching again. My lawyer did a beautiful job of keeping correspondence focused on business, and he never disclosed my whereabouts. He even controlled the exchange of children.
I could go on, particularly how I handled things with the kids, my beloved in-laws, but I want to return to my first paragraph. Was the affair worth it? It destroyed me. Think of a light bulb with a burned out element. My spirit, my love of life, of being me, burned away. Self-respect, confidence all extinguished, never to return. Now, so many years later, I still cannot trust women. I cannot make myself vulnerable. Guys try to set me up, but I always refuse. My libido did not survive the affair, anyway. I was largely an absence in my kids' lives (two weeks in summer are not much). Was that worth it? Just a mistake?. I feel like I can't answer anything anymore, but for God's sake girls, think about what you are doing before you enter into your little fling. Does your husband or boy friend deserve this?

My girlfriend and I have been dating since July of 2023 and I moved in with her in November of 2023, her Dad passed in December.
Before all this, our life was amazing, we had great fantastic sex, she was open to intimacy and more kinder to me and we were able to enjoy life.
The only things she shared about her dad to me is that he was terrible and constantly cheated on her mom and was emotionally unavailable and not there for her and her siblings which caused her to date emotionally unavailable men and chase after them.
She said she went with me because I’m the opposite of what she dated, I’m introverted, play games and skinny, emotional and share my thoughts to communicate and not the “bad boy” in her words she has dated in the past. Which makes me angry that his passing is effecting is negatively.
Ever since her father passed in December, we’ve had a hard time. She snaps at me, does a lot less now, makes fun of me sometimes, though she’s improved in that after I told her about it and everyone in her family noticed how she’d “boss” me around or make jokes that weren’t really funny to me.
Her defense is, that’s her personality and that she’s “witty” and “sarcastic” but some of the punch lines to her jokes are either me, our relationship or us breaking up or our non-existent sex life since November of 2023.
Which I would always get butthurt about, I miss the intimacy so I would just get upset about it internally and not feel good, even now coming to April, we haven’t had sex. We hold hands, cuddle, give each other lip or cheek kisses.
Example, sometimes when we come back to our apartment she’d joke and say “It was nice meeting you, the door is that way” or “We should do this again sometime” or she has a habit of making rude jokes and saying it’s a joke. She called me Bin Ladin once because I grew out her beard and that turned into this mini fight, I don’t find that funny, I was called that in school and things like this keep adding up.
With the no sex, intimacy and other things, I wonder what happened. We started out with amazing sex life and open communication and now I feel awkward even touching her sometimes or trying to make a move. I feel uncomfortable when sex scenes or romance comes on TV.
I don’t know how much time I can give it but I just don’t feel that close to her lately.
However she is pretty amazing in other areas, she cares for me, brings me food, takes care of me when I need something, surprises me with random food and gifts among other things I love her for.
Though there’s things I am struggling with to see if I can see a future with her, especially if intimacy doesn’t improve, her personality, humor, she’s more social, positive and gets along with anyone and I’m not really that.
I don’t really know what to do, there’s too many other details to think of but hopefully I can get insight.

m(26) I been with my s/o for 3 years & counting. When She Met Me I was 23Yr Old & 160 pounds. I am now 26 at 275Lbs. Sex has always been amazing til January Of This Year. I Found Out In January I Am A Type 2 Diabetic & I have High blood pressure & low testosterone. My significant other thinks that i’m cheating with other women & That I’m not attracted to her anymore. she has had multiple partners & she claims this has never happened to her. The doctor says it’s My diabetes & the medication i’m taking that’s effecting me in bed, I’ve never been diagnosed with ED . I never cheated, & i was always compassionate with my partner. It’s to the point my significant other wants to leave me & im lost for words cause i never imagined anything like this in my life ! Does she love me ? i think she should be standing next to me towards this trial in my life!!! should i leave her ??

Idk if this stuff is bad. Even if it is, I feel like everyone has some type of heinous story, so who really cares? Is the whole world going to go to therapy and cry with me about their lives? There are so many people to feel bad for. Idk if I'm numb or whats wrong with me but tell me what u think.
I just feel like it's like... having problems because you grew up during a war, but so did everyone else. Who really cares about your individual experience? What are you gonna do, cry?

1. My cousin was my age and forcibly fingered me. I was 10. We did other shit but I did not enjoy myself. My cousin regularly told me how secretive everything was and encouraged me to make videos. When I confronted my cousin about it later they said I was remembering everything completely wrong and that I was a fucking liar.

My assessment: Not that bad but unreasonably bad for me lol

1. I was 14 and this guy made me put my hand in his pants when I was kissing him. He's kind of a loser now with a mullet and i dont really think about this much at all

My assessment: Not rly that bad but kind of unfortunate

1. 18 year old reaches out to 15 yr old me to go on "date." When i gets there he pushes me into a car, starts kissing her. I gave him head but then he wont let me leave and keeps making me continue when im trying to leave. He'd ask if im ok but would twist my arm when i tried to go. i told him i wanted to leave repeatedly. After i left he blocked me on social media and moved to another state. I reported this to the police and they said it was a "mildly serious" case.

My assessment: This rly sucked

1. FWB would randomly take the condom off in the dark without notice. Or he would put it in my ass when i was too high to really respond, but eventually took it out when i told him to.

My assessment: Idk this feels like a mild annoyance

1. Dude I was hooking up with regularly called me stupid and the r word. He made me have sex without a condom and made me cuddle with him after. He told me he [email protected] me and smiled. the next few days he was really paranoid i would go to the police. he got more sexually vanilla and i got mad at him about this and insulted his manhood

My assessment: Honestly the sex was pretty good so i feel more annoyed than anything

1. Dude took off condom intentionally and finished in me without warning, then stalked me for a bit.

My assessment: Unfortunate, gross

1. I had a one nights stand and guy demands sex from 11pm-6am and sets timers. He asked so much and i eventually let him do whatever because i was so tired

My assessment: Idk i dont really think about this at all

1. i went to guy's house and he was much uglier in person. I told him previously about bad sexual experiences in a vague way. He's insistent about making out with her immediately and making me get on my knees to blow him. He returns the favor and it wasn't unenjoyable but he grossed me out in general. Guy becomes obsessed with me and also wouldnt leave me alone. i dont think about this a lot but i think its gross

My assessment: Gross but ok

1. I kept getting groped her at a party and i was embarrassed so she just had sex with him.

My assessment: Unfortunate, more of my fault lol
10)I told a guy to stop during sex. He said he just needs "a bit more" but i punch him in the throat instead.
My assessment: It's ok he deserved it lol
11) im rly high and dont know who i am. i have unprotected creampie sex with a guy while im at least partially passed out. but he did check in with me a lot. we begin dating. He gets obsessive and jealous. He would threaten to hit/rape me if she didn't have sex with him (in a calm voice). He'd also tell her how worthless i was when they cuddled together. But sometimes he'd also be caring and understanding if i didnt want sex. He got very mad at me (theywe both cheated on each other) and inflicted pain leading to me crying and getting a migraine, then left and cut off contact with me. Though ,he did try to reconnect many times
My assessment: This relationship was not ideal but I feel like I provoked him regularly and intentionally
12) Guy puts in it when i kept tellign him not to without a condom. i got chlamydia.
My assessment: i feel like this is a mild annoyance
Other Possibly Concerning Events-

1. at 15 i made out with college aged men
2. at 15 yr i kept getting felt up by grown men on acid at concerts repeatedly
3. at 17 2 hs boys surrounded me and begged me to kiss them and touch them. it was night so there was no one else on the beach

So I (F42) and my husband (M44) have been together for over 20 yrs. We met when I was 20 and it wasn't long after we met that we married. Our relationship was always described as something out of the Notebook; two people head over heels and blissfully happy. For the most part, we were; we were always able to talk out our disagreements, I wanted to learn all I could about him and his interests, and I tried to expose him to mine. All in all, we had a pretty solid relationship and marriage; the only place we struggled was with emotional intimacy.
He had told me he struggled with women cheating on him in previous relationships and said it was because he was "emotionally unavailable," but that they never wanted to tell him because they didn't want to hurt his feelings. I decided I wasn't going to be one of them and was determined to shatter that wall. A few years and a few kids later, however, he was content with his routine of going to work all the time (he would literally come home from one job and go to the other while I was a SAHM because he felt the kids needed their mother at home) and leaving me to deal with the bills, the cooking, the cleaning, the child rearing, the home repairs in the house, and he would deal with the cars and outside. It got to a point where I started feeling like a glorified live in maid and babysitter.
I was by no means perfect. I complained, I bitched, and I even reached my wits end and I was not immune to noticing when someone paid me attention. Still, I humbled myself and became a veritable slave after all of that because he felt I was in the wrong. I let my family berate me and I did not even go to the grocery store without telling him first. I'm not saying I was deserving of his mercy in working things out; but I wasn't the only one who caused it either.
Flash forward another decade of me doing it all and him going to work and not having to lift a finger if he didn't want to, I managed to get two degrees and even put my desires to study abroad aside because, as my mother told me, I "couldn't leave him alone to raise the children." Covid hits; everything stops. He still is working because he's considered "essential personnel" because his industry was necessary for transportation. Things are okay, but I'm still just feeling like a glorified servant. I start going into therapy because I reached a point where I wanted to know if I was the problem in our relationship.
After 20+ years, I learn that I have suffered some serious trauma from my upbringing and it's affected my relationship. Apparently it's a conditioned response that girls are taught to sacrifice and be a servant and that it's not okay for the lack of boundaries I've had. Again, I'm not perfect; but I was sheltered and I grew up in an abusive home so "normal" for me is not normal for everyone else. I was determined that my family would not have that "normal;" I just didn't realize that I was still abusing myself by not trying to be happy for myself and instead being a servant to my husband. I've also come to see that his emotional wall that he keeps his feelings behind isn't normal either.
I have been doing therapy and working on myself to try and make a better marriage, but he seems content to remain in his routine. He says he wants to fix his own issues, but he's "afraid of being wrong about everything."He even told me he didn't stop blaming me for our relationship issues until I started going to therapy. Thus far, his actions have not changed despite his words. Should I just end it?

Idk if this stuff is bad. Even if it is, I feel like everyone has some type of heinous story, so who really cares? Is the whole world going to go to therapy and cry with me about their lives? There are so many people to feel bad for. Idk if I'm numb or whats wrong with me but tell me what u think.
I just feel like it's like... having problems because you grew up during a war, but so did everyone else. Who really cares about your individual experience? What are you gonna do, cry?

1. My cousin was my age and forcibly fingered me. I was 10. We did other shit but I did not enjoy myself. My cousin regularly told me how secretive everything was and encouraged me to make videos. When I confronted my cousin about it later they said I was remembering everything completely wrong and that I was a fucking liar.

My assessment: Not that bad but unreasonably bad for me lol

1. I was 14 and this guy made me put my hand in his pants when I was kissing him. He's kind of a loser now with a mullet and i dont really think about this much at all

My assessment: Not rly that bad but kind of unfortunate

1. 18 year old reaches out to 15 yr old me to go on "date." When i gets there he pushes me into a car, starts kissing her. I gave him head but then he wont let me leave and keeps making me continue when im trying to leave. He'd ask if im ok but would twist my arm when i tried to go. i told him i wanted to leave repeatedly. After i left he blocked me on social media and moved to another state. I reported this to the police and they said it was a "mildly serious" case.

My assessment: This rly sucked

1. FWB would randomly take the condom off in the dark without notice. Or he would put it in my ass when i was too high to really respond, but eventually took it out when i told him to.

My assessment: Idk this feels like a mild annoyance

1. Dude I was hooking up with regularly called me stupid and the r word. He made me have sex without a condom and made me cuddle with him after. He told me he [email protected] me and smiled. the next few days he was really paranoid i would go to the police. he got more sexually vanilla and i got mad at him about this and insulted his manhood

My assessment: Honestly the sex was pretty good so i feel more annoyed than anything

1. Dude took off condom intentionally and finished in me without warning, then stalked me for a bit.

My assessment: Unfortunate, gross

1. I had a one nights stand and guy demands sex from 11pm-6am and sets timers. He asked so much and i eventually let him do whatever because i was so tired

My assessment: Idk i dont really think about this at all

1. i went to guy's house and he was much uglier in person. I told him previously about bad sexual experiences in a vague way. He's insistent about making out with her immediately and making me get on my knees to blow him. He returns the favor and it wasn't unenjoyable but he grossed me out in general. Guy becomes obsessed with me and also wouldnt leave me alone. i dont think about this a lot but i think its gross

My assessment: Gross but ok

1. I kept getting groped her at a party and i was embarrassed so she just had sex with him.

My assessment: Unfortunate, more of my fault lol
10)I told a guy to stop during sex. He said he just needs "a bit more" but i punch him in the throat instead.
My assessment: It's ok he deserved it lol
11) im rly high and dont know who i am. i have unprotected creampie sex with a guy while im at least partially passed out. but he did check in with me a lot. we begin dating. He gets obsessive and jealous. He would threaten to hit/rape me if she didn't have sex with him (in a calm voice). He'd also tell her how worthless i was when they cuddled together. But sometimes he'd also be caring and understanding if i didnt want sex. He got very mad at me (theywe both cheated on each other) and inflicted pain leading to me crying and getting a migraine, then left and cut off contact with me. Though ,he did try to reconnect many times
My assessment: This relationship was not ideal but I feel like I provoked him regularly and intentionally
12) Guy puts in it when i kept tellign him not to without a condom. i got chlamydia.
My assessment: i feel like this is a mild annoyance
Other Possibly Concerning Events-

1. at 15 i made out with college aged men
2. at 15 yr i kept getting felt up by grown men on acid at concerts repeatedly
3. at 17 2 hs boys surrounded me and begged me to kiss them and touch them. it was night so there was no one else on the beach

Idk if this stuff is bad. Even if it is, I feel like everyone has some type of heinous story, so who really cares? Is the whole world going to go to therapy and cry with me about their lives? There are so many people to feel bad for. Idk if I'm numb or whats wrong with me but tell me what u think

1. My cousin was my age and forcibly fingered me when I was 10. We did other shit but I did not enjoy myself. My cousin regularly told me how secretive everything was and encouraged me to make videos. When I confronted my cousin about it later they said I was remembering everything completely wrong and that I was a fucking liar.

My assessment: Not that bad but unreasonably bad for me lol

1. I was 14 and this guy made me put my hand in his pants when I was kissing him. He's kind of a loser now with a mullet and i dont really think about this much at all

My assessment: Not rly that bad but kind of unfortunate

1. 18 year old reaches out to 15 yr old me to go on "date." When i gets there he pushes me into a car, starts kissing her. I gave him head but then he wont let me leave and keeps making me continue when im trying to leave. He'd ask if im ok but would twist my arm when i tried to go. i told him i wanted to leave repeatedly. After i left he blocked me on social media and moved to another state. I reported this to the police and they said it was a "mildly serious" case.

My assessment: This rly sucked

1. FWB would randomly take the condom off in the dark without notice. Or he would put it in my ass when i was too high to really respond, but eventually took it out when i told him to.

My assessment: Idk this feels like a mild annoyance

1. Dude I was hooking up with regularly called me stupid and the r word. He made me have sex without a condom and made me cuddle with him after. He told me he [email protected] me and smiled. the next few days he was really paranoid i would go to the police. he got more sexually vanilla and i got mad at him about this and insulted his manhood

My assessment: Honestly the sex was pretty good so i feel more annoyed than anything

1. Dude took off condom intentionally and finished in me without warning, then stalked me for a bit.

My assessment: Unfortunate, gross

1. I had a one nights stand and guy demands sex from 11pm-6am and sets timers. He asked so much and i eventually let him do whatever because i was so tired

My assessment: Idk i dont really think about this at all

1. i went to guy's house and he was much uglier in person. I told him previously about bad sexual experiences in a vague way. He's insistent about making out with her immediately and making me get on my knees to blow him. He returns the favor and it wasn't unenjoyable but he grossed me out in general. Guy becomes obsessed with me and also wouldnt leave me alone. i dont think about this a lot but i think its gross

My assessment: Gross but ok

1. I kept getting groped her at a party and i was embarrassed so she just had sex with him.

My assessment: Unfortunate, more of my fault lol
10)I told a guy to stop during sex. He said he just needs "a bit more" but i punch him in the throat instead.
My assessment: It's ok he deserved it lol
11) im rly high and dont know who i am. i have unprotected creampie sex with a guy while im at least partially passed out. but he did check in with me a lot. we begin dating. He gets obsessive and jealous. He would threaten to hit/rape me if she didn't have sex with him (in a calm voice). He'd also tell her how worthless i was when they cuddled together. But sometimes he'd also be caring and understanding if i didnt want sex. He got very mad at me (theywe both cheated on each other) and inflicted pain leading to me crying and getting a migraine, then left and cut off contact with me. Though ,he did try to reconnect many times
My assessment: This relationship was not ideal but I feel like I provoked him regularly and intentionally
12) Guy puts in it when i kept tellign him not to without a condom. i got chlamydia.
My assessment: i feel like this is a mild annoyance
Other Possibly Concerning Events-

1. at 15 i made out with college aged men
2. at 15 yr i kept getting felt up by grown men on acid at concerts repeatedly
3. at 17 2 hs boys surrounded me and begged me to kiss them and touch them. it was night so there was no one else on the beach

Idk if this stuff is bad. Even if it is, I feel like everyone has some type of heinous story, so who really cares? Is the whole world going to go to therapy and cry with me about their lives? There are so many people to feel bad for. Idk if I'm numb or whats wrong with me but tell me what u think. I just don't feel like I'm unique. It's like growing up through a war, but so did everyone else so... what are you gonna do? Cry? lol.
​

1. My cousin was my age and forcibly fingered me. I was 10. We did other shit but I did not enjoy myself. My cousin regularly told me how secretive everything was and encouraged me to make videos. When I confronted my cousin about it later they said I was remembering everything completely wrong and that I was a fucking liar.

My assessment: Not that bad but unreasonably bad for me lol

1. I was 14 and this guy made me put my hand in his pants when I was kissing him. He's kind of a loser now with a mullet and i dont really think about this much at all

My assessment: Not rly that bad but kind of unfortunate

1. 18 year old reaches out to 15 yr old me to go on "date." When i gets there he pushes me into a car, starts kissing her. I gave him head but then he wont let me leave and keeps making me continue when im trying to leave. He'd ask if im ok but would twist my arm when i tried to go. i told him i wanted to leave repeatedly. After i left he blocked me on social media and moved to another state. I reported this to the police and they said it was a "mildly serious" case.

My assessment: This rly sucked

1. FWB would randomly take the condom off in the dark without notice. Or he would put it in my ass when i was too high to really respond, but eventually took it out when i told him to.

My assessment: Idk this feels like a mild annoyance

1. Dude I was hooking up with regularly called me stupid and the r word. He made me have sex without a condom and made me cuddle with him after. He told me he [email protected] me and smiled. the next few days he was really paranoid i would go to the police. he got more sexually vanilla and i got mad at him about this and insulted his manhood

My assessment: Honestly the sex was pretty good so i feel more annoyed than anything

1. Dude took off condom intentionally and finished in me without warning, then stalked me for a bit.

My assessment: Unfortunate, gross

1. I had a one nights stand and guy demands sex from 11pm-6am and sets timers. He asked so much and i eventually let him do whatever because i was so tired

My assessment: Idk i dont really think about this at all

1. i went to guy's house and he was much uglier in person. I told him previously about bad sexual experiences in a vague way. He's insistent about making out with her immediately and making me get on my knees to blow him. He returns the favor and it wasn't unenjoyable but he grossed me out in general. Guy becomes obsessed with me and also wouldnt leave me alone. i dont think about this a lot but i think its gross

My assessment: Gross but ok

1. I kept getting groped her at a party and i was embarrassed so she just had sex with him.

My assessment: Unfortunate, more of my fault lol
10)I told a guy to stop during sex. He said he just needs "a bit more" but i punch him in the throat instead.
My assessment: It's ok he deserved it lol
11) im rly high and dont know who i am. i have unprotected creampie sex with a guy while im at least partially passed out. but he did check in with me a lot. we begin dating. He gets obsessive and jealous. He would threaten to hit/rape me if she didn't have sex with him (in a calm voice). He'd also tell her how worthless i was when they cuddled together. But sometimes he'd also be caring and understanding if i didnt want sex. He got very mad at me (theywe both cheated on each other) and inflicted pain leading to me crying and getting a migraine, then left and cut off contact with me. Though ,he did try to reconnect many times
My assessment: This relationship was not ideal but I feel like I provoked him regularly and intentionally
12) Guy puts in it when i kept tellign him not to without a condom. i got chlamydia.
My assessment: i feel like this is a mild annoyance
Other Possibly Concerning Events-

1. at 15 i made out with college aged men
2. at 15 yr i kept getting felt up by grown men on acid at concerts repeatedly
3. at 17 2 hs boys surrounded me and begged me to kiss them and touch them. it was night so there was no one else on the beach

Idk if this stuff is bad. Even if it is, I feel like everyone has some type of heinous story, so who really cares? Is the whole world going to go to therapy and cry with me about their lives? There are so many people to feel bad for. Idk if I'm numb or whats wrong with me but tell me what u think

1. My cousin was my age and forcibly fingered me. We did other shit but I did not enjoy myself. My cousin regularly told me how secretive everything was and encouraged me to make videos. When I confronted my cousin about it later they said I was remembering everything completely wrong and that I was a fucking liar.

My assessment: Not that bad but unreasonably bad for me lol

1. I was 14 and this guy made me put my hand in his pants when I was kissing him. He's kind of a loser now with a mullet and i dont really think about this much at all

My assessment: Not rly that bad but kind of unfortunate

1. 18 year old reaches out to 15 yr old me to go on "date." When i gets there he pushes me into a car, starts kissing her. I gave him head but then he wont let me leave and keeps making me continue when im trying to leave. He'd ask if im ok but would twist my arm when i tried to go. i told him i wanted to leave repeatedly. After i left he blocked me on social media and moved to another state. I reported this to the police and they said it was a "mildly serious" case.

My assessment: This rly sucked

1. FWB would randomly take the condom off in the dark without notice. Or he would put it in my ass when i was too high to really respond, but eventually took it out when i told him to.

My assessment: Idk this feels like a mild annoyance

1. Dude I was hooking up with regularly called me stupid and the r word. He made me have sex without a condom and made me cuddle with him after. He told me he [email protected] me and smiled. the next few days he was really paranoid i would go to the police. he got more sexually vanilla and i got mad at him about this and insulted his manhood

My assessment: Honestly the sex was pretty good so i feel more annoyed than anything

1. Dude took off condom intentionally and finished in me without warning, then stalked me for a bit.

My assessment: Unfortunate, gross

1. I had a one nights stand and guy demands sex from 11pm-6am and sets timers. He asked so much and i eventually let him do whatever because i was so tired

My assessment: Idk i dont really think about this at all

1. i went to guy's house and he was much uglier in person. I told him previously about bad sexual experiences in a vague way. He's insistent about making out with her immediately and making me get on my knees to blow him. He returns the favor and it wasn't unenjoyable but he grossed me out in general. Guy becomes obsessed with me and also wouldnt leave me alone. i dont think about this a lot but i think its gross

My assessment: Gross but ok

1. I kept getting groped her at a party and i was embarrassed so she just had sex with him.

My assessment: Unfortunate, more of my fault lol
10)I told a guy to stop during sex. He said he just needs "a bit more" but i punch him in the throat instead.
My assessment: It's ok he deserved it lol
11) im rly high and dont know who i am. i have unprotected creampie sex with a guy while im at least partially passed out. but he did check in with me a lot. we begin dating. He gets obsessive and jealous. He would threaten to hit/rape me if she didn't have sex with him (in a calm voice). He'd also tell her how worthless i was when they cuddled together. But sometimes he'd also be caring and understanding if i didnt want sex. He got very mad at me (theywe both cheated on each other) and inflicted pain leading to me crying and getting a migraine, then left and cut off contact with me. Though ,he did try to reconnect many times
My assessment: This relationship was not ideal but I feel like I provoked him regularly and intentionally
12) Guy puts in it when i kept tellign him not to without a condom. i got chlamydia.
My assessment: i feel like this is a mild annoyance
Other Possibly Concerning Events-

1. at 15 i made out with college aged men
2. at 15 yr i kept getting felt up by grown men on acid at concerts repeatedly
3. at 17 2 hs boys surrounded me and begged me to kiss them and touch them. it was night so there was no one else on the beach

I have CPTSD and have been doubting my memory. I often get weird details about things that happen in my life wrong, like whether Bob said something funny in class or Amy, for example. It's making me doubt my memory and I feel like I'm making up a lot of shit.
Idk if this stuff is bad. Even if it is, I feel like everyone has some type of heinous story, so who really cares? Is the whole world going to go to therapy and cry with me about their lives? There are so many people to feel bad for. Idk if I'm numb or whats wrong with me but tell me what u think

1. My cousin was my age and forcibly fingered me. We did other shit but I did not enjoy myself. My cousin regularly told me how secretive everything was and encouraged me to make videos. When I confronted my cousin about it later they said I was remembering everything completely wrong and that I was a fucking liar.

My assessment: Not that bad but unreasonably bad for me lol

1. I was 14 and this guy made me put my hand in his pants when I was kissing him. He's kind of a loser now with a mullet and i dont really think about this much at all

My assessment: Not rly that bad but kind of unfortunate

1. 18 year old reaches out to 15 yr old me to go on "date." When i gets there he pushes me into a car, starts kissing her. I gave him head but then he wont let me leave and keeps making me continue when im trying to leave. He'd ask if im ok but would twist my arm when i tried to go. i told him i wanted to leave repeatedly. After i left he blocked me on social media and moved to another state. I reported this to the police and they said it was a "mildly serious" case.

My assessment: This rly sucked

1. FWB would randomly take the condom off in the dark without notice. Or he would put it in my ass when i was too high to really respond, but eventually took it out when i told him to.

My assessment: Idk this feels like a mild annoyance

1. Dude I was hooking up with regularly called me stupid and the r word. He made me have sex without a condom and made me cuddle with him after. He told me he [email protected] me and smiled. the next few days he was really paranoid i would go to the police. he got more sexually vanilla and i got mad at him about this and insulted his manhood

My assessment: Honestly the sex was pretty good so i feel more annoyed than anything

1. Dude took off condom intentionally and finished in me without warning, then stalked me for a bit.

My assessment: Unfortunate, gross

1. I had a one nights stand and guy demands sex from 11pm-6am and sets timers. He asked so much and i eventually let him do whatever because i was so tired

My assessment: Idk i dont really think about this at all

1. i went to guy's house and he was much uglier in person. I told him previously about bad sexual experiences in a vague way. He's insistent about making out with her immediately and making me get on my knees to blow him. He returns the favor and it wasn't unenjoyable but he grossed me out in general. Guy becomes obsessed with me and also wouldnt leave me alone. i dont think about this a lot but i think its gross

My assessment: Gross but ok

1. I kept getting groped her at a party and i was embarrassed so she just had sex with him.

My assessment: Unfortunate, more of my fault lol
10)I told a guy to stop during sex. He said he just needs "a bit more" but i punch him in the throat instead.
My assessment: It's ok he deserved it lol
11) im rly high and dont know who i am. i have unprotected creampie sex with a guy while im at least partially passed out. but he did check in with me a lot. we begin dating. He gets obsessive and jealous. He would threaten to hit/rape me if she didn't have sex with him (in a calm voice). He'd also tell her how worthless i was when they cuddled together. But sometimes he'd also be caring and understanding if i didnt want sex. He got very mad at me (theywe both cheated on each other) and inflicted pain leading to me crying and getting a migraine, then left and cut off contact with me. Though ,he did try to reconnect many times
My assessment: This relationship was not ideal but I feel like I provoked him regularly and intentionally
12) Guy puts in it when i kept tellign him not to without a condom. i got chlamydia.
My assessment: i feel like this is a mild annoyance
Other Possibly Concerning Events-

1. at 15 i made out with college aged men
2. at 15 yr i kept getting felt up by grown men on acid at concerts repeatedly
3. at 17 2 hs boys surrounded me and begged me to kiss them and touch them. it was night so there was no one else on the beach

Other Familial Events:
My parents were very affluent but I've kind of accepted they knew how to raise a doll but didn't really know how to raise a huma being with feelings and thoughts lol.
My take: Not the best but also certainly could have been better

Years ago my first marriage ended because my ex cheated on me. I have since learned that it was probably not a one time thing, which was what he was trying to convince me of. I thought I had been a good wife, or at least he never complained about anything. Part of the reason I’m here is because I’ve never understood why people cheat. This is also a theme in many of my posts here. I guess you could say I’ve been looking for a Grand Unified Field Theory of Cheating. As I have learned more I’ve decided that some of my previous conclusions were wrong.
A few months ago I was perusing the reconciliation subs and ran across an interesting story. (Rule 5: Please don’t ask for a link.) In short, this married woman joined a gym to get into better shape because she was feeling unattractive. Her gym trainer was a 25 year old male who was also a “flirtatious guy” and “was confident if not cocky.” They had sex 11 times over a four week period and did so in the back seat of her luxury SUV (she’s an SAHM and her husband had bought it for her). Then one night her husband tried to initiate sex with her and she rejected him. (She had sex with her trainer earlier.) She felt guilty about this and broke it off with her AP/trainer the next day. Her AP got very angry about being rejected.
She intended to take her cheating to the grave but the whole thing blew up when apparently the trainer got fired due to his inappropriate relationship with her and possibly other women. In retaliation he informed her husband about the affair and the husband promptly confronted her. Not surprisingly things have been pretty rocky ever since to say the least. I think sometimes the betrayed will try to rationalize the cheating because things weren’t going well in the relationship, which can give the wayward a decided edge when it comes to reconciliation. In this case she admitted that prior to her affair she and her husband had a happy marriage and a solid relationship.
Now here's the interesting part. She was asked in the comments as to why she cheated if her marriage was so happy. She said that she was having body image issues which is why she started going to the gym. Apparently the trainer was able to exploit this and knew exactly what buttons to push to seduce her. Still, she admitted that it was her choice and that she was now suffering the consequences of that choice (or choices if you prefer). So in other words, this guy was able to give her the attention and validation that she was craving.
Reading this is when I had an epiphany. So she essentially completely f*cked up her marriage for attention and validation. The fact that the only reason she got that attention and validation was so her cocky trainer could get between her legs was never a consideration, nor did she ever seriously consider the potential consequences.
Attention and validation. Is that what they’re after? Is that the main trigger? WTF?
So I took this idea and reread some of the cheating stories I had made copies of for further study. With one notable exception (and even that one’s iffy) this reason seems to universally fit. And just not on the reconciliation subs – go to any cheating sub, keep this in mind and you’ll start to see the pattern. So why don’t they just leave if their marriages are so miserable? Because being alone with only the support of family and friends wouldn’t get them the attention and validation that they want. It’s that simple.
Thoughts?

So...it has been 9 months since my first and only girlfriend dumped me.
In summary we had a small argument and we didn't spoke for a month, when we met again she was furious because she claimed I never treated her like a queen, that I never gave her flowers, never took her out and she even compared me to her coworkers boyfriends, saying that they did all of that, and that they told her to dump me for my behavior and lack of care.
She was so mad that she even threaten to punch me if I didn't choose my words and promised to fix everything since she was going to even lift a finger, since everything was my fault.
To an extent she was right, we didn't go out much, mostly because we worked form opposite sides of the city and we had very different schedules...but I told her that she was mostly wrong, that some of that was true, but I told to also remember that most of the time we went out I payed for the food, entertainment and everything in between, that since I didn't have her flowers, I bought her clothes, shoes, dressses and many other types of clothing, which I considered to beore useful, I told her that I deeply care for her, I reminded her that not even her family helped her mentally, emotionally or financially most of the time (because of family issues and a toxic father-daughter relationship), and during her darkest times I was there for her, that ti was always willing to help her and I even sacrificed my own mental health for her wellbeing.
She was silent, she agreed with that, I was so mad because she had let herself be influenced by toxic people.
I called her in her BS, that since she started working there she had become entitled, materialistic and very disrespectful towards me, told her that if she wanted to be treated like a queen then she must act like one, I told her that her attitude was so different that I didn't recognized her anymore.
I did use hash words while I told her that, she said she was hurt and need time for herself, but said she still wanted to continue the relationship.
2 weeks passed, and I got no response from her, I've tried contacting her and said she still need time, that she was working on herself, and I foolishly believed that.
In that time I got a bad case of COVID and even told her that, with no response.
And by the time I got out of the hospital, she wanted to talk, we met and she said she wanted to end the relationship.
She said she no longer loved me, that she stopped loving me for the last 2 years of our 5 year relationship (wtf), she blamed me for never taking care of her, treating her right, but mostly because (in her words) because I didn't turned out to be the man she had illusioned me to be.
She said she is a strong independent feminist, and that she wanted a strong, tall man, one who will but her stuff, gifts and clothes, a man who will use his money to take her to trips and spend it all on her, basically she wanted a sugar daddy.
She admitted her attitude was very toxic towards me but still blamed me for everything that went wrong, never recognized her flaws and left, I was there dumbfounded. I told her to reconsider her decision, that we had gone through a lot and pushed against everything, but she said she was done.
A week passes of no contact when an anonymous number sent me pictures of her, with another man, while both her having sex, with a message that said: regret it.
I was even more heartbroken, I checked her Instagram and it was true, she was already in a new relationship, with they guy she told me to not worry about, a guy she had met a year ago that had confessed to her, a guy she told me was toxic, very controlling and a bad influence, a guy that told her that if she dumped me, he will traer her like a queen and give her everything and anything she wanted.
She told she had blocked him and cut all contact, and still feel so stupid for believing her, apart for feeling broken and worthless, I was mad because she got her sugar daddy in the end, even though all of the red flags she mentioned, I was so mad because I'm sure she was cheating on me the hole time I was at the hospital and even long before that.
Her socials had statuses that said things like: finally free, away from harm, finally treated like a queen and an awfull amount of pictures with that sob, going to places and looking very happy (so yeah I've should have block her, but I didn't, fuck me right)
2 days later she send me a text saying that all of her statues we not meant for me and she wishes me good health, I just couldn't believe her audacity, while being down she kicked me, I was so mad I wanted to call her and send her to hell with my words, but my coworkers stopped me.
2 months passed and after some peer pressure I finally blocked in every way, I didn't wanted to because I still believed and hoped that she will come back to me, and still I watched her statues, her new boyfriend and I got hurt, hurt and hurt even more.
Then I went to discord and reddit, and learned that this wasn't a rebound relationship, this was monkey branching, this was cheating, this was betrayal, I've just couldn't believe what she had done, I just couldn't bear that fact things had happened the way they did, I've couldn't comprehend what had I've done to deserve this.
The more I've talked to people, I've began to think that she may be a narcissist, had narcissist traits or just a very toxic personality.
After 6 months of no contact, about knowing nothing of her, I've been feeling better, I had my ups and downs, that pain has faded away in some way, also ome good things had happened, I got promoted at work, lost 12 kg, went out for activities and stared new hobbies.
But still I think of her everyday, I still only remember the good times, still have imaginary conversations and scenarios of her coming back, and I don't know if I'm really healing or not.
Sometimes I feel very confident, happy about myself, but most the time I'm ruminating about her, the relationship, and end up feeling worthless, down, undeserving of love, I fell so replaceable and useless and sad of how things happened.
The reason I'm writing this is because today I got curious and broke no contact, Iv checked her socials, it didn't hurt me seeing her photos with that sob, I just got sad, because she looks happy with that guy, it seems she's going out and having fun, her captions say the thankful for having him and for reigniting her flame.
I'm sad because she seems to be doing fine while I still recover from her actions, Im also sad because I've read that those types of relationships that begin with lies, deception and cheating usually don't last, but the seems to be going strong.
I know social media doesn't really show the truth, but I'm mad because she got away with everything without any consequences for her actions while I'm her feeling like this, I've just wish to be a way to get some payback or for karma to already do it's thing.
I've been working out, focusing on myself, going to therapy, learning from my mistakes and flaws and yet I still feel like the loser here even though I know and people told me I've dodged a bullet. But it isn't fair, my love and intentions were pure and yet I have to suffer while she's out there enjoying life.
It hurts me seeing how can someone be so heartless, so ungrateful, and I guess that has truly moved on and probably never cared or loved me the way I did, it hurts me knowing that my feelings were never reciprocated and everything mat have been a lie from the beginning.
My therapist told me that I think and feel like this because deep down I crave a relationship, I crave someone to have a connection, to love and feel loved, I know I must focus on myself but I really felt so lonely even after all this time.
Im afraid of endin up alone, because and very introverted and shy, I only have 2 friends and got no social skills, I'm worried because I just don't know how to improve my selfsteem, self love and mental health, I'm really afraid of never meeting someone special, of never ever falling in love with someone again, or never truly knowing what true love or a healthy relationship is, because this experience has truly marked me in a negative way and I don't know if I'll ever trust someone or even let them close.
I guess I'm just having a bad moment and some of this is because of my lack of experience in dating, women, social skills and a very bad break up.
The other reason I'm posting this is because I've been holding my feelings all this time, I've really haven't talked to anyone besides my therapist and that is only once a month, I got no one friends, family or a support group, so this subreddit is the only thing I have.
So of anyone wants to talk, it will help me a lot. I just really need someone to talk to.