Printable chick fil a teacher appreciation

Hi! So I’m not a teacher, but I’m an aide in a special ed classroom in upstate NY. Not entirely sure if this is the best place to ask, but here goes anyway. Our class is a 12:1:1 class, there’s a teacher, a TA, and I’m in there for support for most of the day. My coworkers in the classroom and myself have all received an email from administration saying they want to meet with everyone who’s used a significant amount of sick/personal days. I previously spoke to this particular member of the administration after she observed me and gave me a low score for the “dependability” part of the rubric, pointing out that I don’t take time off unless I really need to, I flat out told her that I took a significant amount of days because I suffered a miscarriage in addition to being sick more than once (it’s impossible not to get sick when working with special needs kids!) She was very apologetic and assured me that everyone was scored on their attendance, and she bumped my score up for that portion. I guess all that detail wasn’t necessary for you to know, but my question is, are they allowed to ask people why they took PTO days that are part of our benefits package? Seems unprofessional to say the least. If they didn’t want us using the days they give us, then they shouldn’t have given them to us. They’re there for us if we need them, and myself and my coworkers definitely needed them, otherwise we wouldn’t have taken them. I know I’m ranting and I appreciate anyone who reads this whole thing, I just feel like I don’t get paid nearly enough to deal with this crap!! 😂

The apartment was cheap, but not suspiciously so, especially given the relatively decrepit state of it. It was a 1 bedroom affair, the building itself constructed at some point before the Great Depression, and it certainly showed its age. The bathroom was prone to mold, the windows let in a draft even when closed, and the fact that it was up 6 flights of stairs in a building where the elevator seemed perpetually out of order certainly didn't help. However, beyond these usual allowances made for an affordable apartment in a city such as mine, there were no outward signs that anything wrong with the place. There were never any strange noises, unusual cold spots in the center of rooms, no eerie lights. For all intents and purposes, the apartment appeared utterly mundane.
It took me a frankly embarrassing amount of time to notice the door. 7 months in fact. I've never been much of a night owl, and on the rare occasions when I did have reason to be up in the wee hours my time was generally spent in someone else's bedroom.
At first, when I noticed the door, I assumed that I was hallucinating. I was, after all, in a fairly inebriated state, having just returned from a rather pleasant evening of laughter and debauchery. I already had experienced considerable difficulty in extricating my key from my apartment's lock, so I figured it was more likely that something had gone wrong with my perception rather than the unlikely scenario that a wood paneled door had suddenly materialized in my living room where previously there had only been wall.
It was old fashioned looking, with a shiny brass knob and wood the color of old leather. I shook my head for a moment and blinked, squinting at the object. The door was still there. I rubbed my eyes and closed them, counting down from 10. When I'd finished, I opened my eyes again. The door was still there. I'm not exactly sure what I thought counting down from 10 was supposed to accomplish. Beyond one mercifully brief experience with salvia at a very bad party, I'd never experienced hallucinations before, so I was sort of going off of what I'd seen in movies and TV shows.
There was something intensely unnerving about the door. It emanated a feeling of primal wrongness, I instinctually knew that I was gazing at something totally in violation of the natural order. It took a lot of willpower to do what I did next.
Having exhausted all other apparent options to my disorganized mind, I moved on to the next logical stage of inquiry; I tried to open it. The doorknob was cold to the touch, arctic even. It felt like touching the inside of a freezer. A shiver ran down my back, though I can't be sure in retrospect if it was entirely from the temperature. I tried to turn the knob. It didn't budge.
An immense sigh of relief escaped my lungs, releasing a breath that I didn't know I was holding in. Trying to think of what else I could do, I pulled out my phone and snapped a quick photo of the thing, sending it to my landlord, with a caption somewhere along the lines of "wtf is this dude, y is there a new door???"
Nodding sagely to myself, as if I had succeeded in doing anything of note, I stumbled my way into my bedroom and locked the door before falling into blissful slumber.
I awoke to the incessant screeching of my alarm clock loudly informing me that it was 7 o' clock, about 6 hours from when I had fallen asleep. I slammed my fist against "off" button and rubbed the sleep from my eyes with my other hand. In following with my usual morning routine, I then pulled out my phone and checked through my notifications.
Alongside the usual torrent of internet pseudo-acquaintances posting pictures of their brunches and whatnot was a text message from my landlord. "What are you talking about Christina", it read, "is this photoshop or something?"
At first, I didn't understand what he was referring to, but when the rusted gears of my sleepy (and hungover) brain finally started turning, I immediately jumped out of bed and scuttled over to the spot where the door had been just 6 hours prior. I did so with the intent of recording a video to further prove its existence to my skeptical landlord... but I was greeted with nothing but wall.
I texted my landlord an apology, lying and saying it was just a poorly thought out prank. Then I popped into my car and drove down to the local electronics store to purchase a camera from the grumpy underpaid college student behind the register.
Making my way over to the photography section, I searched a long while for the option that simultaneously fit my budget and the requirements for my investigation. Eventually, I found just the item.
It was a trailcam, the sort of thing hunters and geriatrics with too many acres of land and not enough hobbies use to observe wildlife. It had an SD card with enough space for several hours of blurry, black and white nightvision video, and most importantly it was cheap. I paid for my prize with the surly cashier and made my way happily back to my apartment.
I set it up securely in front of where the door had previously appeared, and, feeling like a genius, went about the rest of my day. I fell asleep that night secure in the knowledge that by morning I would have proof of what I had seen the night before.
The next morning, I rushed over excitedly to my living room, feeling like a child on Christmas morning. My giddy excitement died as I stepped into the living room, noticing the complete lack of the trailcam. Old Saint Nick appeared to have shit in my stocking.
I made my way back to the electronics store, forced once again into interacting with the student behind the register for whom my very existence seemed to be an inconvenience. Upon noticing my arrival, he sighed heavily. "Can I help you ma'am?" he said, emphasizing the last word with the same inflection one might say intestinal parasite.
"I'm looking for a cheap camera that will stream video directly to my computer." I said, trying my best to avoid mimicking the man's petulant tone.
Shrugging his shoulders and releasing another drawn out sigh, the cashier shuffled his way over to the photography section and picked out a small camera, rather similar to the last one I purchased, but approximately twice as much in terms of cost. "Do you have anything cheaper?" I asked, trying my best to sound polite.
"No." declared the cashier, with all the compassion of an exterminator crushing a cockroach beneath a steel toed boot.
I ended up paying the exorbitant price on my already abused credit card, and grumpily stalked back to the apartment to set up the new equipment, knowing I wouldn't get to see it after the night was over.
Nevertheless, I had to know how the door got there, and I needed to have irrefutable evidence.
The process to set up the new camera was a bit more involved than the last. There was all manner of fiddling about with connecting the device to my WiFi network and installing some new software to my computer, but by the time it was over it successfully uploaded footage directly to my hard drive where I could watch it at my leisure.
I went to bed that night wondering what I would do with the footage after I acquired it. After all, I couldn't really go to the police with it, could I? Excuse me officer, I imagined myself saying, but a mysterious door appears in my apartment at night, and I was wondering if you could send someone around to take a look? I'd end up institutionalized. Similarly, it's not like I could go to the newspapers either. I live in a big city, and the reporters have more important fish to fry than transient doors.
At some point while I pondered my options, I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I knew I was awakened by the banshee cries of my alarm clock, angrily informing me that it was once again 7 o' clock.
I jumped out of bed, excitedly moving over to my computer to check the footage, finding that there was about 5 hours of video. I had turned on the camera at around 10 o' clock PM, so that meant whatever happened to the camera occurred at about 3 AM.
I set the video to fast forward and watched it carefully. The first 2 hours or so showed nothing, just the regular blank wall. At exactly 12 o' clock, however, static engulfed the screen, and suddenly the old wooden door simply appeared, as if it had always been there. I rewound the footage and played it at normal speed, trying to discern anything that would show how the door suddenly manifested in the wall of my apartment, but the static was far too heavy to tell. The video simply got incredibly distorted for around 10 seconds, and suddenly the static dissipated and there was the door.
Even on video, just looking at it gave me the chills. That sense of complete and utter wrongness came through even from the screen. I shivered slightly and set the video on fast forward yet again. There was no change in the door for nearly 3 hours, but as the video crept closer and closer to the end, I switched it back to normal speed with about a minute to spare.
As I watched, the door began to slowly open. There was no microphone built into the camera, but I could imagine the ancient hinges creaking. I could feel my palms begin to sweat as I stared, transfixed. I glanced at the time remaining on the video, it was only around 30 seconds.
As the video progressed onwards, the door eventually swung fully open, revealing a black, yawning void beyond it. Static began to gather at the corners of the screen, increasing in intensity as I vaguely discerned something moving in the darkness. The quality was rapidly degrading, and I couldn't tell any specifics, but it moved in an almost spider-like manner, skittery and deeply unnerving. It seemed just about to come into view when the footage fully dissolved into static and the video ended abruptly.
I leaned back in my chair, contemplating my next move. While the video had certainly convinced me that I wasn't just going crazy, I knew that it wouldn't exactly convince the average person. I could easily have added in the static with editing, and the vague movement behind the door could just be computer generated effects or some sort of puppet. After a few minutes of pondering, I came up with an idea.
---
"I'm sorry, what?" exclaimed Lilith, who was trying hard not to choke on her iced coffee.
"A door. It appears in my apartment at exactly midnight. I have it on video", I replied, sliding my phone across the table of the coffee shop.
I first met Lilith in college, where we shared a course on the history of Gothic literature. She was a perfect picture of the stereotypical goth, with pierced septum, dyed black hair, pentacle earrings, and a wardrobe whose diversity of color could charitably be compared to that of a raven. We hadn't spoken in a long time, but I figured if there was anyone I should contact about this sort of thing, it would be her.
I'd condensed the 5 hours of footage down to a few minutes with the help of a free online video editor, and watched in slight amusement as Lilith's brow furrowed, her eyes glued to the screen. After the video ended, she seemed utterly amazed.
"Any thoughts?" I asked, pulling back my phone.
"This is some sort of joke, right? You're screwing with me?" she asked, utterly bewildered by what I had just shown her.
"No joke. No screwing around. I figured you'd be the one to ask about this, because of the whole, you know..." I said, gesturing at the leviathan cross emblazoned on her black t-shirt.
Lilith rolled her eyes at me and fidgeted nervously with one of her bracelets. "I'm not sure Christina, this seems a little bit outside of my pay grade. I don't really know what you expect me to do."
"I just need a witness of some kind. What I've got here isn't really enough to prove anything on its own, but if someone else sees it that might lend me a bit of credibility. If some random chick goes to the news complaining about a mysterious door appearing in her living room at midnight that's nothing, but if I get a witness then they might have to listen to me. Plus, I figured maybe you could, I don't know, set up some form of protective circle or sigil or something." As soon as the last words left my lips, I felt like a moron, but Lilith actually seemed to perk up a little bit.
"I mean, I guess that makes sense. How about tonight? I can come over at about 11 o' clock so we have a little bit of time to get ready", she said, a tinge of excitement in her voice.
"Sound's like a plan then, I'll text you my address. I really appreciate you doing this for me." We got up from the booth, exchanged hugs, and went our separate ways. I was skeptical about how much good Lilith's "magickal" expertise would do with regard to the unearthly door, but I had mainly mentioned it to get her interested.
I wish I hadn't.
---
About 12 hours later, I heard a knock at the door (my front door, in this case, not the impossible one). I peeked through the peephole, saw it was Lilith, and I ushered her inside. She had brought with her a black leather bag, bulging with various books, candles, jars, and other occult accoutrements.
"That's a lot of stuff", I commented, gesturing towards the bag, "are you sure you'll need all of it?"
She shrugged. "I figured it's better to be safe than sorry. I'd rather be overprepared than come up short."
"Seems reasonable."
I showed her the spot of the blank wall where the door appears and she began setting up candles and incense, drawing strange signs with chalk, and pouring salt in a semi-circle in front of where the door would be. As she worked, she occasionally read out loud from some cheap paperbacks with titles like "The Witch's Bible" and "The Unquiet Dead: A Field Guide to the Afterlife".
To be entirely honest it was incredibly underwhelming. I didn't feel any "mystical energies" or unseen vistas of space and time yawning before me. There was just a goth screwing around with some candles while reciting mangled Latin out of books she got for 4.99 apiece at a charity shop.
Nevertheless, I let Lilith get on with her business and sat back drinking some cheap beer. After about 45 minutes she seemed satisfied. The floor and walls were covered with crude sigils done in white chalk, and the whole room smelt of incense and scented candles. I checked my watch, seeing it was 11:48.
I offered Lilith a drink but she declined, instead just taking a seat and fidgeting a bit with her jewelry. We talked for a while about what the door could be, where it came from, that sort of thing. Lilith seemed convinced it was must be the restless spirit of a former tenant, but I was a bit skeptical. While at this point I could no longer honestly say I didn't believe in the supernatural, this didn't necessarily strike me as some sort of haunting.
"I don't think it's a ghost", I said, taking a sip from my near empty can, "it strikes me as something further beyond our realm of experience than that. Something, I don't know, alien somehow. I mean it changes reality itself doesn't it? It transmutes a wall to a door, and let me tell you that door was real wood and the knob was real metal. Aren't ghosts supposed to be intangible or something?"
Lilith seemed like she was about to say something before she paused, a weird look crossing her face. "Christina, what time is it?" she whispered.
I checked my watch, the digital face reading out 12:07. I turned to see the door. It had been there for 7 minutes and we hadn't even noticed its arrival. Something about us not having realized it was there bothered me far more than its materialization. Was it possible that I'd passed by it in the apartment before and just never noticed it? I'd previously assumed that I'd simply always been asleep or out of the apartment when it materialized, but now I wasn't so sure.
Lilith had turned to look at it too, after a moment saying "It's like it's always been there."
The next 3 hours passed slowly, painfully. We snapped plenty of pictures of the door at every conceivable angle on our respective phones, videos too, and decided that after it disappeared again we should take footage of the bare wall for contrast. Lilith and I chatted a bit, but it was hard to continue conversations for long. Now that we had noticed it, we could feel the wrongness emanating out from the door, as if we were being watched by something just out of sight.
I don't know if there is such a thing as true evil, some sort of absolute moral right and wrong on a spiritual level. But being near that door, I felt like I was bearing witness to an atrocity against reality itself. We spent the last 2 hours of observation in nearly complete silence. It seemed like the longer we were cognizant of the door, the worse the feeling of discomfort got. If you've ever been on a roller coaster, you'll be familiar with the feeling of going up the track towards a long drop, the tension in your very blood as you brace yourself for the fall to come. As we sat there, I felt something similar.
I almost wanted to call the whole thing off, just have Lilith and I go to a 24 hour fast food place or something and call it a night. But I had to know.
Unlike with the door's appearance, we noticed when it started to open. We sat there, paralyzed with fear and excitement as it slowly started to creak open, the worn hinges squealing just as I thought they would. The room grew significantly colder, until we were both shivering intensely. Behind the door was void, absolutely void. It was black as the depths of the ocean and emanated pure dread. The smell of incense and scented candles seemed to dissipate, replaced with a vague stench like rotting seaweed.
Finally, the entrance was swung fully open, and we sat there, staring blankly into it. We didn't even try to pull out our phones to record what we saw. The thought to do so didn't cross my mind until well after.
I could see something start to move in the darkness beyond, some sort of motion, spidery, skittering. It was coming towards us. I caught a vague glimpse of a long, thin limb reaching out from the door, coming towards us, grasping blindly from out of the dark, and then-
I felt the sun shining on my face, my entire body sore.
I opened my eyes to find myself lying on the ground, outside. There were trees overhead, but the foliage wasn't dense enough to block out the light which had awoken me. All things being equal, I would have preferred my alarm clock.
I stood up, painfully, taking stock of my surroundings. I was in a park, one which I had been to before, located a couple miles from my apartment. I looked for my phone, but couldn't find it. I began to stumble my way back home, trying my best to ignore my aching muscles. I called out for Lilith a couple times, but was met only with silence. She was gone.
As I limped my way along, a passing jogger called out "Nice tattoo". Confused, I looked down at my arm.
Burned into my flesh in white letters, as if through frostbite, were the words "BRING MORE".

Just had a booking where someone booked their in-laws at our guesthouse (we live in the main house). They weren’t the cleanest and was considering docking them when I got a message that the FIL left a gun in the nightstand. Sure enough, there was a 9mm, loaded with the safety off in our nightstand.
I’m pissed, but am focusing on this not happening again. If our cleaning person had missed the gun, it would have been there for the family with young kids checking in tomorrow.
Does Airbnb have a policy on firearms? Is it up to us to make a no firearms policy? Leave bad review? Report? Any further advice is appreciated because I feel like we just literally dodged a bullet.
TIA

I feel stuck and I don't know what are the options out there I can get into.
For starters I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) or also known as Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (EUPD) by 2 different therapists. It's hard when I'm overwhelmed I get incapacitated and my brain just shuts down. It gets to the point of affecting my physical health and always tired and sick constantly. My therapist was really amazed at how self-aware and soft-mannered I am given my condition but it's no surprise how beaten up I am and easily burned out with those extreme emotions bottled up and held back. End of January this year I've been diagnosed with Chronic Myeloid Leukemia (CML) and it doesn't help that I get tired easily and need about 2 days to recharge if I went out the whe day or doing chores around the house especially vacuuming.
I've been employed as a government teacher starting March 2022 but I'm actually still under probation so I'm not entitled to even get unpaid leaves and the ministry was genius enough to place me in a faraway school in a state that is a 9 hours drive. My mom doesn't want me to be alone due to my mental health and I have no relatives there. The school knows about my situation too so they are doing the best they can to assist me but they can't go far due to the ministry of edu's rules amd regulations. I do enjoy sharing knowledge and seeing students starting to find joy in learning but that's just it. I don't enjoy being in school. I don't like making connections and building rapport with colleagues and hormonal teenages looking for a figure to lean on. Those things drain me. I don't like the education system and how they take my time to rest and recharge since after working hours school would send last minute updates to relay to the students and students & parents will try to text and call you to consult. The extra classes, extracurriculars, school cheerfulness, gardening, painting, office and class interior designing... All use the money from our pockets because the schools have no budget to allocate those compulsory activities. I've been in 5 different schools within the span of 4 years as a practical, assistant, and private school teacher, I don't find joy. But I don't know how else am I supposed to make money.
I do have a safety net. I'm staying with my parents while waiting for my transfer request to push through and my boyfriend said he doesn't mind if I become a housewife after we're married and he'll support us both because he said work is not worth it if it's making me miserable. Honestly I would just want to be a housewife with a remote part-time job to get side incomes but I have no idea how to do it too aside from small time businesses. My mom has been pressuring me to push through my transfer request but I'm not looking forward to going to school and been second guessing on continuing my job as a teacher but I need to find a backup job to sustain myself, especially with the recession. I can't have my parents supporting me financially forever in case I quit and it's embarrasing for a 29-year-old adult. I actually feel useless from time to time.
If it might be of use as to what choices I might have: I have a bachelor's degree in TESL but I don't want to become a teacher in schools. I've been an animator (some of the series our cmpany worked on were aired on DisneyXD and Nicklelodeon). I liked doing animation but being a teacher pays more however both have no work-life balance. I've worked in a wallpaper shop to learn a little bit about interior design. I like to dabble in graphic design and I can draw well but I've left my skills to rust. My family said I'm very good with animals espcially when it comes to aquascaping. But I don't think there's demands/market here. I'm also into animal rehabilitation but most are NGOs amd can't pay you and ask you to pay instead. I told my mom I could do small groups tutoring, rent a small office for a couple of days a week and do activities to kickstart students' interest and joy in learning (I have that skill) but she questioned the practicality aspects: The market, the initial reputation/networking, renting, gas and fees. Will I get my profit? And no one would be interested in hiring me due to my CML. Those are all the options I could think of and no one in my circle can give me constructive advice since there's no exposure other than being in a white collar job is safer and respectable/reputable. They all don't want me to let go of my government teacher position. Other than that their focus is on business.
I appreciate if any of you have any thoughts? Thank you very much and I appreciate any insights. Sorry for any mistakes or if it's all over the place and doesn't make any sense. It's late at night and I'm sleepy but I keep on thinking about what choices do I have with my current health condition.

I feel stuck and I don't know what are the options out there I can get into.
For starters I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) or also known as Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (EUPD) by 2 different therapists. It's hard when I'm overwhelmed I get incapacitated and my brain just shuts down. It gets to the point of affecting my physical health and always tired and sick constantly. My therapist was really amazed at how self-aware and soft-mannered I am given my condition but it's no surprise how beaten up I am and easily burned out with those extreme emotions bottled up and held back. End of January this year I've been diagnosed with Chronic Myeloid Leukemia (CML) and it doesn't help that I get tired easily and need about 2 days to recharge if I went out the whe day or doing chores around the house especially vacuuming.
I've been employed as a government teacher starting March 2022 but I'm actually still under probation so I'm not entitled to even get unpaid leaves and the ministry was genius enough to place me in a faraway school in a state that is a 9 hours drive. My mom doesn't want me to be alone due to my mental health and I have no relatives there. The school knows about my situation too so they are doing the best they can to assist me but they can't go far due to the ministry of edu's rules amd regulations. I do enjoy sharing knowledge and seeing students starting to find joy in learning but that's just it. I don't enjoy being in school. I don't like making connections and building rapport with colleagues and hormonal teenages looking for a figure to lean on. Those things drain me. I don't like the education system and how they take my time to rest and recharge since after working hours school would send last minute updates to relay to the students and students & parents will try to text and call you to consult. The extra classes, extracurriculars, school cheerfulness, gardening, painting, office and class interior designing... All use the money from our pockets because the schools have no budget to allocate those compulsory activities. I've been in 5 different schools within the span of 4 years as a practical, assistant, and private school teacher, I don't find joy. But I don't know how else am I supposed to make money.
I do have a safety net. I'm staying with my parents while waiting for my transfer request to push through and my boyfriend said he doesn't mind if I become a housewife after we're married and he'll support us both because he said work is not worth it if it's making me miserable. Honestly I would just want to be a housewife with a remote part-time job to get side incomes but I have no idea how to do it too aside from small time businesses. My mom has been pressuring me to push through my transfer request but I'm not looking forward to going to school and been second guessing on continuing my job as a teacher but I need to find a backup job to sustain myself, especially with the recession. I can't have my parents supporting me financially forever in case I quit and it's embarrasing for a 29-year-old adult. I actually feel useless from time to time.
If it might be of use as to what choices I might have: I have a bachelor's degree in TESL but I don't want to become a teacher in schools. I've been an animator (some of the series our cmpany worked on were aired on DisneyXD and Nicklelodeon). I liked doing animation but being a teacher pays more however both have no work-life balance. I've worked in a wallpaper shop to learn a little bit about interior design. I like to dabble in graphic design and I can draw well but I've left my skills to rust. My family said I'm very good with animals espcially when it comes to aquascaping. But I don't think there's demands/market here. I'm also into animal rehabilitation but most are NGOs amd can't pay you and ask you to pay instead. I told my mom I could do small groups tutoring, rent a small office for a couple of days a week and do activities to kickstart students' interest and joy in learning (I have that skill) but she questioned the practicality aspects: The market, the initial reputation/networking, renting, gas and fees. Will I get my profit? And no one would be interested in hiring me due to my CML. Those are all the options I could think of and no one in my circle can give me constructive advice since there's no exposure other than being in a white collar job is safer and respectable/reputable. They all don't want me to let go of my government teacher position. Other than that their focus is on business.
I appreciate if any of you have any thoughts? Thank you very much and I appreciate any insights. Sorry for any mistakes or if it's all over the place and doesn't make any sense. It's late at night and I'm sleepy but I keep on thinking about what choices do I have with my current health condition.

I’m looking for advice on how to deal with my mother in law moving forward. She’s chaotic, manipulative and bares narcissistic traits.
It came to the breaking point when a few weeks ago she brought some of my partners things to my house. He moved in with me as I own my property. She brought some baby photos of him and things for us to go through, so I started putting everything in our photo album. I didn’t notice at the time but she also kindly added some prints of him and his ex alongside semi nudes of his ex, strategically placed on top of everything.
My partner is fully aware of how she is and is furious but we’ve decided not to mention it to her as it will just give her a kick.
The main issue is that we do want to have children soon and I’ve seen the comments she’s made to my lovely sister in law (basically making it clear she thinks she would be a bad parent).
Here’s a short list of some of the stuff but there’s plenty more. I’m aware it may not seem so bad but it has really driven me and my husband to insanity.

• Commented to my best friend that we’re not a good match.
  
• His baby sister repeated that she said I’m stingey & controlling - and he (my partner) needs to focus on repairing and decorating her house, rather than the house we live in (my property)
  
• Refuses to see us or even plan a meal etc if we’ve been in contact with my FIL (who is amazing) and is extremely jealous
  
• Turns up unexpectedly (even at 10-11pm at night) with no warning and just walks into the house.
  
• Constantly bad mouths her own son, my partner - calling him lazy etc (he’s the most wonderful human ever)
  
• Is bluntly rude to my sister in law
  
• Comments about us flouncing around on holiday when she’s ‘so stressed out and needs a break herself’
  

Can this actually be saved? Has anyone managed to cope with a meddling boundary-less MIL? Any tips appreciated as we have no idea what to do but I won’t accept them not having a relationship as my partner wouldn’t be able to see his little sisters. She doesn’t really have any friends or relatives I’m aware of other than her little kids so she uses my husband and his brother for comfort and I appreciate that.

So today was my little boys last day of kindergarten - super proud of all his hard work this year.
Anyway, I see the mothers of all his other classmates sharing photos on FB of their teach gifts and thank you’s with long drawn out thank you messages. While I am so thankful for all the work his teacher did with him, I did not get a gift. Honestly I didn’t even think to with all the other things going on in life (working, taking care of the house and family and pets, packing for vacation etc). I did give her a target gift card for Xmas though.
My husband and I are involved with our son, we help with school work and work with him in areas that need improvement for school. My husband is one of his sport coaches. We are there to cheer him on at every school event and make sure he gets to participate in all the fun things like book fair and fun days.
I always feel like it’s never enough though. I see these moms with these gifts and cards and long heartfelt letters to the teacher and I wonder if I involved enough. I’m not in PTA and cannot help at school during the day due to working full time. I appreciate his teacher and the fabulous job she does in her career. Idk I now feel bad I didn’t do a gift. Should I have? Any other moms out there involved with their kids and care but also not over the top? Seems like there is so much pressure and competition these days with these things.
I hope this makes sense! I’m a crap writer.

Hi teachers, I am a parent with middle school aged kids. We give all their teachers a note, an amazon gift card, and a small gift for the holidays and end of the year. I see teachers carting mugs, plants, and bottles of wine to their cars on the last day of school, so I try to give gifts that are lightweight, consumable, or easily regifted. In the past I have given palomino blackwings, plain note cards, malden sea salt, etc. I know that I could just stick to the gift card, but in my culture, a small gift is a sign of respect and appreciation. I was at the post office and I saw sheets of tomie depaola stamps, and I wondered if a sheet of 20 forever stamps would be a useful gift for teachers (along with a gift card). I don't use stamps as often as I used to, but I always like to have a sheet on hand. Thanks everyone.

TL;DR at the end
I (M22) applied for an 8 month mission as youth volunteer EMT in the Fire dpt. Didn't seem like they had unreachable expectations, I was mostly confident and had built up quite the motivation. I was even trying my hardest to keep from smiling like a big idiot when my fellow candidates and I got inside the Fire dpt. HQ. They briefed us on what our mission would consist of, everyone seemed pretty nice and warm. I was a little tired and very hungry, but I was there for it. I really wanted to go through with it.
Comes the time of the interview and I'm shaking like chihuahua. I tried be still but the hair on the back of my neck was spiking. I spoke with the quietest voice in my family for 10 generations and struggled to finish even the simplest of sentences. The firefighters understood me just fine and were pretty reassuring, but I know they saw the distress in my body language. Right outta the room i returned immediately to being chill, just chatting with other candidates. There's talk of getting McD's with everyone.
Final batch of paperwork and I'm pulled aside. They tell me they weren't feeling me during the interview. I confess I usually have a hard time being interviewed or evaluated. I'm told i need to get my head straight (in a nice encouraging way) and come back for the next openings in about 10 months. They try to reassure me but I now feel like shit. I'm escorted out and I am simply at a loss. Out before everyone else, so i go get myself the cheapest burger. I'm sure there was a lot of sugar or additive but this burger tasted like the most bland and stale in my life. Also probably the loneliest meal ever.
I have been inactive for almost 4 years. I started uni studying film, but it was all theory and I craved only practical work. I struggled to keep up with the art history, deep analysis and the like for 2 years. So I try to focus on getting to work. The one time I get a job on a big production in Paris, it is set to take place in June 2020. Some luck that was. I tried following class online but it was just not for me. I try studying something else, I like speaking in english and am curious about other languages. Linguistics it is then. Only to be affected to a remote-only course by default. Which hasn't turned out any better. At this point I tell myself I need a more hands-on activity after being stuck so long at home. Helping people is a good start, I've been pondering joining the armed forces for a while, I took interest in many jobs. This mission would have been gold to me; experience, skills, money to help the family, self-confidence and no more bystanding when someone is in need of help, which, for the latter, is sadly a daily aspect of almost everyone in this city, including me.
I don't even know what I want my future to be, I pretended film was it for the entierity of high school. Everyone, my childhood hometown friends, my neighbors, my family in France, in Asia, in America, my junior high clique, my high school friends and even teachers that helped me wipe tears off because I handed a blank page in philosophy class, everyone was rooting for me to reach what I thought was my dream job. Now I've wasted 4 years ony to end up with nothing other than my high school diploma and no idea what to do next year.
I've been saying "just fine" when asked how I'm doing for years and I'll keep doing it, even if the other person is genuinely asking. I just don't know who to talk to, and when I try doing it wih friends or family I keep telling myself no to waste their time and appreciate the moment instead. I can't talk with my parents or brother without tearing up, I keep myself from hugging anyone for no reason and when I get hugged I tell myself it's for the other's sake. I've mastered the art of sobbbing silently and discreetly as to not disturb the house. Not that my parents taught me to, I simply imposed it onto myself. Can't really turn to religion as I plain lost faith. Don't believe in it, however hard I try. I end up watching my parents and brother go to mass every sunday morning while I stay home.
I'm currently watching my group of friends getting their own pads and moving out of the region. Of course I feel like lagging behind as even in my family, those my age have started proposing and living with their partners. Visiting family back in my parent's home country and families this summer is gonna be tedious as the oldest cousin that hasn't progressed and the only non-believer. Tomorrow we're celebrating one of my friends' departure and I'm considering obliterating my wallet and my liver with alcohol despite not really liking it.
That rejection for the EMT mission, although I know is not definitive and excluding me from trying again, has devastated me. And it didn't immediately hit when I got out of the building but crept in slowly and viciously as I was making my way home. I had to go cry in an isolated clearing near my apartment. Still live at my parent's so I dreaded going back in. I stood in front of my porch for an hour.
I'm off to a great month of June it seems; my birthday is next wednesday and despite spending it with a loving and caring family, I know it just won't be happier than the previous 6 or 7. I feel jaded as hell and I'm the only one to blame for it. I'm 22 and a sad sack of shit who can't open up. My future seems not that bright, as does that of many others. But I feel like my motivation to get through it is non-existent. I gotta get ready to go play music with kids in less than an hour and put on an artificial smile that I 've had for too long.
I've had flashing images of a gun in my mouth many times now. I know i don't want to end it, but the image (and false idea) of an easy way out is just kinda ... pleasant.
I'm sorry for the rambling and if you got through all that then thank you for your time. Sorry if I just wasted it. I just need to vent i think; tonight and tomorrow i'll probably be able to pretend I didn't post this.
TL;DR : I messed up an interview for something i wanted to dedicate almost a year to in order to get back on track and find my way. I now feel like Satan's shit.

Just saw another near miss from a left turn out of Chick Fil A on CCNE at 11:50am. Only thing worse would be trying it at 5:50pm 🙄

This is a letter I wanted to send myself around half a year ago but didn't maybe because of what a bad place I was in (and still am), maybe I just needed to get some of the things out of my system. Today I found it and it reignited some things in me, and I wrote some more words about what is currently happening to me. I changed the names and some other things to remain anonymous. It's long and all over the place and I don't expect anyone to read it all honestly.
TRIGGER WARNING: Suicidal ideation, Suicide, Depression, Recklessness, Rejection
As before, I wonder what's going on in your life right now, because, honestly, I don't even feel like writing this letter at this point. Things are really bad, and today I have a good enough day to write something up but I don't feel well at all, and it doesn't seem like things will get better, if ever. Part of me knows that things always change and there's a chance that they will change for the better, but from my experience it doesn't usually work out, I seem to be switching from one issue to another, be it writing a thesis, finding a job, or my current state. I really can't seem to catch a break and for once be at least somewhat happy and satisfied with where I'm at in life.
I'm gonna tell a little bit about my situation and refer to some of the things you said in your email. Most of it will be about my "relationship" with Amy, and how much it affected me mentally.
I moved in with Amy and things are bad in ways I can't even describe. First thing is that over the beginning of the last year I fell in love with her and really, badly wanted to matter anything to her and be important to her, and for her to show that somehow for me. We went together on a trip to mountains and generally spend more time together than ever before. I really felt the chemistry between us, i thought we got a long really well. We talked at the fireplace party and she said she's too fucked up to date me, and that she would never do this to me. Since I moved in with her as a flatmate there were some things that bugged me about the way she is, like careless about a lot of things (mainly her safety and well being), horribly under eating in the name of some fucked up "diet", not listening to my guidance about most things, like not taking breaks at the gym, and other minor things that really bugged me and kinda felt conflicting because she doesn't seems childish, in fact quite the opposite, but some of those behaviours certainly felt like that at the time. But generally things were good, at least most of the time, we spent time together, went to gym, watched shows, threw a few parties etc.
As the time went on, things got worse, and I don't even remember every bad situation that happened over the last 5 months. Some early days she cried a lot, but it's this kind of stiff hopeless cry that really gets me. She doesn't feel emotional, she feels empty, her eyes are really scary sometimes... One day she got really drunk, I think it was an anniversary of her best friends passing, I was really anxious, because she didn't seem like she was controlling herself at all, and I don't know, seeing people just empty, hopeless, out of control, careless and drowning themselves in alcohol ALONE just affects me in a really bad way mentally. When we drove the next day to get her a bookstand (which she was really obsessed with getting this exact day) she was acting really manic and on the edge, I was so nervous that I shook her one time when she said something especially deranged (idea of driving with the complete bookshelf in the public commute), I don't know the last time I felt so much out of control of the situation and shaken, even though the whole situation is seemingly so fucking innocent. One day she threw away a line about how it's so stupid that suicide is a sin. We complain a lot about our lives and make dark humor jokes in our group, and yeah, there is always something real beneath them, I sometimes do have dark thoughts, and I feel like I have a lot of issues as well, but this is all heavy stuff that I wouldn't talk about freely and lightheartedly. I didn't thought then how serious she was, well I kinda did, because I asked her the next day about this, and she laughed saying "Are you serious right now? xD" And she said "Yes, of course I was serious". Before that she talked how she was so tired she was barely able to drive and see other cars, which worried me so much that I can't even describe it, and she didn't say it in a worried tone, just like she wanted to brag or something, I don't know why (she does that A LOT). And I don't know, but it was REALLY traumatic for me to hear her say those things like this, I couldn't sleep for days after this, I was in an especially bad place then. She said she first was going to do it when she was a teen, then once her mother dies, and right now since she knows it's a sin and she wants to see her family and friends she has to live to 50, thats how long she expects to live without killing herself. I said that she still has people here, do we not matter to her at all?, and she said that in the afterlife she has more of them. I said that doesn't she care anything about her health?, because she do goes to doctors and stuff, and she said she only does so because of her mother, she never went to a doctor because she wanted to. She said that she doesn't understand how atheists don't kill themselves immediately. She said it all without blinking an eye about how fucked up what she's saying is, it wasn't like confessing, more like explaining basic facts, and that's the thing that I think fucked me up the most, because if I were to say those things I would be shaking and having difficulties with every word, not throwing this stuff this carelessly.
I am writing wild scenarios in my head about how fucked up things she did in her past, in the parties etc. and they make me really anxious and depressed that she's like this and not much more innocent as I usually pictured her (and still sometimes do, because she's not acting toxic or deranged 100% of the time, she actually shows a lot of care for certain things, she loves every kid and animal etc., she never even smoked a cigarette), because she never seemed so much like a typical club party girl that gets into trouble a lot, well I knew she partied and drunk a lot, but she always seemed kinda different from that. Most of the time she's not like that, she can behave with a lot of compassion most certain situations. She talks about all the speeding tickets she got (and got out of by sweet talking the policemen), she texts all the time while driving, she admits to driving recklessly when alone, she lies to her mother all the time about how well mentally she is, how much she's drinking, like she were silently going on all fours between bedroom and bathroom bc she was so drunk, sometimes she even lies about having passengers when driving to the city we live in because she's so unwell she drives alone and makes stops along the way to make it, she lies about how long it took for her to drive. Sometimes I feel like everything is fake because of some of these things, like I am loosing the touch with reality.
One time we drove back to our hometown, and like halfway through she started to get really sleepy, I could see by the corner of my eye that her head was going down for a fraction of a second. I wanted to switch to drive, but she was having none of it, saying that she already planned to drive home herself and if she planned it then it will happen. I started to get really anxious and frantically started to think of the ways to do something, I stupidly suggested that I will drive my car after her once we get to my home, and she said "You really ARE fucked up xD", because she would still be inside her car and how that would help? And I know it wouldn't, but I panically tried to find something, that's just something that I came up with on the spot. I just told her to text me immediately when she gets home (and she did), but the whole situation was just so fucking stressful for me, I even then told my mother about what's happening but without darker details.
She seems to have a problem wich alcohol, although certain situations can prevent her from drinking extensively, like seeing the kids in school the next day. It's kind of scary how much she can drink and then be sober the next day.
One time she was on her period (they get really bad for her) and she wanted to drink some alcohol because of the weekend, but she was on her first week of antidepressants and all those things caused me not to go to my friends and stay with her to look after, she became really tired after a while, she was barely staying on her feet, when she went to take a shower before bed I asked her to not lock the door and she didn't. I went to clean the dishes, and I think I heard something but I didn't pay attention or anything, but later she was in bed and clearly trying to hide from me that she collapsed under the shower. She was okay, but the fact that she didn't want to admit it to me made me really anxious and depressed. She was so out of energy that I had to hold her the water bottle to drink from. I felt so bad, I don't think I could sleep that night.
She doesn't let me drive because once I drove with her when being really nervous and weren't like the best at it, it kinda angers me because it's double standard as fuck, not letting me drive when I'm nervous, but driving when you're almost sleeping. And I don't consider myself a bad driver, apart from once loosing control when going to friends wedding I have never have an accident. She also gets really mad if I'm going to drive after drinking single beer and waiting like 4 hours after it, and that's NOTHING compared to the things she does.
Sometimes I'm hesitant to tell her some of the things I think, partly because it't pointless, and partly because her response would just make me more triggered, angry, anxious and depressed.
Sometimes I don't know what to do, telling anyone about those things (like her mother) seems like breaking her trust, and those are personal things that I really shouldn't tell my friends about, hence I tell them to my therapist.
What's scary and fucked up is that depression is not only hopelessness, sadness and lack of energy, but for some people also being mad about everything, saying really hurtful things to people that love you, hating on and judging literally everyone, becoming really sickly, strongly obsessed about something, behaving carelessly and recklessly. And every attempt at trying to address those things is responded with some hateful, poisonous comments or "I'm just like that", one time I said to her that she should care less about something, and she responded with a lot of hate that I should just stop "shaking my hands when I'm nervous, can I do that? can I?" I feel so fucking bad sometimes, because part of me wants to scream into her face about the things she does, and at the same time:
I know that it's an illness, and I don't know if that would be bad of me to be angry at her about anything
I'm worried about things she would say to me back, she sometimes seems to revel in hurting people emotionally or at least being really good at it and constantly looking for topics when arguing with someone, and I'm really fragile, sensitive and easy to hurt, for some reason especially to things she says to me
I don't feel like I can have any influence on her actions, although she does comment a lot of the time that other people do, like her mother of her one female friend etc. so sometimes I feel like it contradicts itself, although she does say that she needs to be controlled in some way to do what it said, like being yelled at or being put in the position with no choice, and I don't want to be like that and I don't think I have the strength of character to be like that, and never will
She sends a lot of memes about depression to our group chat, and I personally don't think they're helpful, at least for me, I'm not feeling like someone is going through the same thing as me and it helps, it's more like everyone is trying to drag each other down, some of those memes are as hopeless as you can get, making fun of therapy and psychiatrists, never having any happiness (dementors can't do anything to you), missing yourself and thinking its too late now to regain it, generally memes about not being a human anymore and never being again etc., being put into a mental hospital if you tell your therapist everything, about hating and despising other people. There's this friend that she says is way worse than her, and that he doesn't even want help unlike her, that he's so used to it he almost likes it, I honestly don't know if that doesn't also affect her. One time we drove to our hometown, 5 of us with him and a few others, and they were talking about suicide, and some other friend said this cliche line about suicide being the most egotistical thing a person can do, and even though he was quiet the whole ride he just said "Yeah, right" from the back. I don't know, I guess it depends on the person, but for me surrounding myself with this topics would make me feel worse and not understood. She also has a lot of kids in school with mental issues, she has a kid who is supposed to be after a suicide attempt (that's also one of the things that froze my heart, when she said that she knows he and his parents are bullshitting because he would be put to the hospital for 3 months, but how would she know that?), or generally kids that are on SSRIs and that one time kid told her justifying himself that he took the double dose of antidepressants and she was holding herself not to say "me too!". They had a movie night and they played UNO, and she said that out the 3 kids she played with, all of them were in a psychiatric hospital.
One time at a party in front of everyone she said she thought about jumping out of a window, but being crippled her mom would have to deal with that so she wouldn't do it like that. Other time she said she changes the mind when she loses the energy, she would try to hang herself but would become tired and not do it. Once also we talked about unrelated topic, and I said as a trivia that dead bodies can produce sounds like exhaling, and she said she knows that because she know a lot about dead bodies, and she reads a lot about that... Once she said that she doesn't understand that atheists don't immediately kill themselves when someone close to them dies. Once she said something about there not being anything left of her inside. Once she said that her mother was worried she would be locked up in a psychiatric hospital, but she had to assure her that she knows how to mask everything, and she's not dangerous to others so that wouldn't happen.
Am I too innocent for these topics? Sometimes I feel like a kid listening to adults, and that I don't know and don't understand them and I feel small and worthless.
I think there are a lot of different ways to direct that recklessness and negativity through things like exercise, media escapism, music etc. and not things like hard partying, drugs/alcohol, reckless driving, acting angry etc.
I think that deeply believing that chemical imbalance is the cause of depression is very hurtful, because it's not completely proven and might turn some people off from forms of treatment that could potentially help them.
Escapism is a big thing for me, and I think that it helped me cope with a lot of things. Books, movies, music, I spend a lot of time looking for new music and artists.
I'm becoming very nosy and kinda controlling around her (well not actually controlling cause that's impossible with her, but just very nosy), I want to eardrop her conversations with her mother, to always know what she is doing, to know how well she is all the time.
There's no appreciation for me being around, even more so, saying that you don't matter that much, and what do even have or experienced together to be close. And that she can't really be close to people that don't immediately say what they're thinking (like me, she said, even though when i asked if she thinks I'm a fake friend she said no but I'm not honest), but part of me feels that it's bullshit, everyone hides something and only lets a part of themselves out, although it's true that sometimes I act more quietly and like I'm obviously hiding something. I feel inadequate and really bad because of that because the things I experienced in the last months were big for ME, and definitely changed me, but I guess they were nothing to her.
Sometimes she talks about how it's weird to her that normal people have dreams about having homes, vacations etc. One time she said how when she was little she said she never would be boring and bitter like adults, and then depression hit her. Recently she said she finally has a dream, to be able to rent a studio apartment to finally live alone. It kinda affected me, because I DO live with her (apart from others), and that would mean that she wants to get out from me too. One time she said that she hopes someone lively and fun will move in with us once our current flatmate get out, and that would mean that she is bored with me and my character, and she much preferred the previous one.
With the whole moving out thing, she sometimes talks about things getting better, like closer to spring she will renew the gym subscription, we will decorate the balcony for parties and hanging out (of course she said something about sleeping drunk in there...), and generally some things like that. It does make me wonder, do those lower points happen especially in autumn/winter ? I mean, I know there's even a disorder for that but I can't imagine there being such a huge difference.
When she started school, she became really overwhelmed with the amount of exercises she had to do before lessons. Most teachers don't have everything done beforehand but she said she absolutely needs to, and because of that she spent most of the time just doing them or resting, she was so obsessed with doing them she wanted drop out of our mountain vacation trip because she would be too much behind, and she got angry at me for saying that she needs a rest and that my talking doesn't help anything.
Over a month after the school she started the meds, and it doesn't feel like they helped her, at the beginning they only made her really sleepy and out of energy. In some ways i think that they made her worse, or maybe she just didn't have the energy to hide some things. I remember her reading the drug leaflet and noticing loudly that it may strengthen suicidal thoughts, i then read it myself because I was worried. It's honestly a bad thing that she had to check with the psychiatrist only after 2 months and not sooner because it wasn't helping her. On the second visit the doctor was surprised that it didn't help her (which I think might be a bad thing from her since it reinforces the thought that nothing will help her), and decided to up the dose for next 3 weeks to rule out the drug, and mentioned another stronger drug that she will prescribe her, and Amy asked her is it's a drug that is used in a psychiatric hospitals because she wanted to know, and apparently yes. I'm kinda scared what might be happening when she starts it, because the upped dose of current one doesn't seem to change anything. One time she asked me if I think they could lock her up if she caused an accident while driving while on this drug (if its not allowed to drive on it, because she admitted she would anyway), which again messed with my head a lot. The doctor also said that she might be more immune to various drugs than most people, and she said that it's probably true because a lot of the drugs she takes are quite strong, and she takes A LOT of them, hormones for acne and her very strong and long periods, inhaled steroids for asthma, antidepressants, drugs for sleep. Sometimes she ignores signs of some of her illnesses, like anemia. She sometimes offers people prescription drugs like antidepressants or antibiotics, which makes me really angry because those shouldn't be given around like candies, but like I said earlier I never told her it makes me angry. She also said that she only counts on the meds to work, if they won't, she would off herself
I joked a few times that we could get a cat here, I know that it's no cure but animals can certainly be a help for people who are going through rough times. She really took the subject seriously some day and convinced everyone, including our tenant and flatmates, that we should get a cat. She really wanted to have this one specific cat about 2h hour drive from us, so we drove there, but the cat got away from our car, and we couldn't find it. Few hours later when we got home she was convinced that we killed that cat and started asking everyone if they want anyone dead, because she can arrange that, because everyone around her dies, and she didn't want any cat at all anymore. But we eventually took Luna, and the missing cat was found later. After a few weeks with the cat, our flatmates started complaining about about the cat being in the apartment and not only our rooms (WTF?) and about its litter box and food. Amy was already really annoyed by them, especially this guy who is a little dumb, talkative and annoying, but this whole situation took it too whole another level. She almost couldn't control herself with how much they got on her nerves, merely hearing them walk on the corridor would make her furious. One night in the middle of the week she started going to the kitchen to get drunk to be able to sleep because of them. I obviously couldn't ignore that so I went with her to just be there. She changed topics every few seconds, talked about something that its a good thing our knifes are not sharp, she was generally acting very ill, which usually makes me extremely anxious and quiet. I feel like she was noticing that and she said "why aren't you talking with me ? X and Y always had gossips with me in the kitchen...". Then she went to sleep, texted me a lot about 100 different topics, and then went back to drink some more, then when she went to sleep she texted me something that made me feel like my brain is being fried. She send me a receipt of her drug and it said that overdosing it might cause heart problems and even death, and she added "if I found out that suicide is not a sin, or something changes, I already know the way <3". I didn't know what to do with myself for a good few minutes. My mind was racing and frying, my heart was frozen, and it took me a good while to calm down. Eventually I just took our cat and took it to her to sleep with, but didn't bring the subject, I just couldn't, I was too weak.
Next day she started being obsessed with moving out of here, far away from them, she started looking for available apartments and firstly I wanted to move with her, but the more I thought about this, the more I thought I just couldn't handle all of these things mentally. She was pushing me to define my stand on this, and just said "fuck it" angry at me for not being decisive," I'm gonna move with another guy I know", but I don't think that worked out since she eventually started looking for studio apartments for herself. Eventually I went to her and said that I think I want to live alone, that i feel kinda unstable mentally myself, and I wanted to let her know that I'm not wanting to let her go, but she was just like coldly "I'll be fine" without much emotion behind that. I then started to pour out my things about her (at first she said she didn't have the energy for that, but asked her to listen), how sometimes I felt like she has something negative about me that she doesn't tell me, that's she's colder to me than usually, she said that she's like that to everyone now, and I said that I felt like it was more personal, and she denied. I asked her if she thinks that I'm fake and she said "not fake, but you're not telling what you're thinking" and that she couldn't be close with people like that (or something along those lines). She said that I should have told her all of that right then. She always prides herself for always saying exactly what she means and being painfully straightforward. I also tried to confront her about being negative about my therapy, because I said to her I went to therapy, and she said "and you think it will help you ?" kinda ironically, and i was really hurt by that, she doesn't really believe in therapy and said that judging by colleges in our country her mother is a better therapist than most Ts here. She said then that she meant if I THINK its going to help me, not mocking, and when I said that I don't respond to "how was it?" is because I was worried she would mock me, she replied with "whatever , if you say so". I also said that I'm secretive because telling the truth would make other people hurt me, and she said "well of course".
To this day I don't know if I hurt her with that conversation, I'm not even sure if she understood that I'm very bad mentally right now mainly because of her. I felt really guilty about abandoning her, and talked about it extensively on a therapy session. I know that to save anyone you have to save yourself first, but I would be just proving that she's fucked up and everyone will eventually abandon her. On the other hand, I don't know if she cares AT ALL about me leaving her, maybe I really do am just a flatmate and not much else anymore.
Her mood massively affects mine, I could have the best day of my life and one sentence from her could easily ruin that. Sometimes I get anxious when I hear her walking on the corridor or when she gets back from school because I have no idea what mood she might come home with.
Most fucked up thing is that despite all of this is sometimes I'm still attracted to her. All it takes is one smile, one good day and I'm still rethinking if I would ever want to be with her. And there are also very good reasons for that, she can be very caring, lovable, funny and clever. I also fantasize about her sexually to some small extent. And the thing is that I never before found her very attractive and wasn't interested in her.
How does her mother fit in this ? I don't know but she lost her father as a child, she was taking her to therapists and psychiatrists since she was a child . Sometimes I feel like she can make her worse by saying certain things, like when missing cat was found and saying that it was bad and scary and that we could be taking this one right now. She might have been very overprotective (or might have good reasons to) but Amy was being rebellious and reckless anyway, which might have caused how many lies she tells to her.
When it comes to me, I've never been in such a bad state mentally, today is not the worst but the general period is without a doubt the worst time of my life. Even before all of this I was SURE I needed some help with my mental health, but everything that was happening, her darkness sipping into me, triggering me, listening and talking about suicide all the time for literal months can't be good for anyone although I think I try to show her it doesn't affect me that much, me internally reacting very very badly to her strange and sometimes deranged and reckless behaviours, feeling on the edge a lot of the time due to her, not being able to think about anything else, all that made me finally take the step and make an appointment with a therapist. I noticed in myself symptoms of depression, social anxiety and ADHD, I'm still not sure if I would be diagnosed with anything but I do know that something is wrong with me, especially since others don't seem to be so deeply affected by her despite being close to her for longer than me. There were days where I couldn't sleep, in which I had a strong feelings of hopelessness, depressing feelings about her, myself, my life and the whole world, I researched a lot about depression, and some places are really bad to get into because there is no hope in there, people just drag each other down and write that nothing ever worked for them etc. I even thought about reading up about some therapeutic techniques I could use on her, but now I notice how stupid that sounds.
I sometimes think if she realizes how difficult it is to listen to some of the things she says and does. And I'm not talking about her being difficult and with a quick temper, but just genuinely pouring this darkness on those close to her.
In terms of therapy, I'm still not sure if it can help me with anything. I'm not discounting the people that it did help, but I'm just not sure about me. I know that it probably takes time, I do genuinely feel better when someone listens to all of that (even if I feel like a fraud sometimes because there are surely others that come to her with heavier stuff) even if it lasts only some time after the session. I'm not even sure what would therapy do to me, like what exactly could it possibly change about me, will I care less, will I just cope better, will I change my personality, or will it just be something that I can tell myself that I'm doing without actually helping me
That's a weird one, I'm kind of angry at her for being the best or at least very good at a lot of things, that (when she wants to of course) she can befriend literally everyone and people adore her (like the kids in school, parents congratulating and being shocked how great the kids are doing at school), she had a lot of boyfriends and always seem to have some guys trying to get to her. She's shockingly charismatic, talkative and social when she wants or needs to be. I'm always complaining about not having friends and then she scoffs at me for that I don't know what I'm talking about, but I don't interact with 10% amount of people she does even though she ALWAYS ALWAYS talks how antisocial and what a b she is (meaning she's mean to everyone), she knows a shit ton of people, shocking number actually, especially when you think about her mental state
I really try to be a good friend, but that seems to not be enough. I try to help her with everything, doing the shopping, being with her and talking, asking how she feels, figuring out ways to maybe not help but at least show the support.
Right now we're still gonna live together and I'm gonna move in to the bigger room, and I plan to be in our hometown working remotely more to be better mentally, but I'm still unsure how all that is gonna work out...
Sometimes I feel like I'm fluctuating with how much this really affects me, It feels random, some moments I think all of it affects me less and am able to just go somewhere else with my thoughts, but not always.
==== 6 months later====
Some time has passed since I wrote those last paragraphs, actually it's already 6 months, and in some ways things are better, but in some they are much worse. She got better, not all the way she was before, she still hates being with people and is very mean, sarcastic and emotionally careless (she recently found out she'll probably won't be able to have kids and it didn't faze her at all), throws a joke or two about suicide but it doesn't seem so serious now, she got off meds as far as I know (because I don't know much anymore, but I'll get to that), she found a psychiatrist that first wants to make all kind of tests before prescribing her any drugs, she actually talks about plans for the future, is able to cook for herself, is more social, she's even going to a wedding with a friend she almost hooked up with a month ago (that's also a big thing that for me I want to write about later).
As for me, I'm much worse in a few ways. These things she said and did affected me very deeply back then and I wanted a way to cope with that, and I started to call my old friend Jane and tell her some of the situations that were happening here. I felt bad about it but I just couldn't help myself, I had to tell someone. That was before I got my therapist, and I'm mainly talking about everything with her now, but I was so caught up and messed up with everything, that even after starting the therapy I also talked about some of the things with my ex who is still my good friend, I mentioned she has depression and takes meds to one of my colleagues (without any details), and I mentioned that she has some problems and thinks about moving out to another friend, one day I also told everything to my parents (without the most disturbing details) because I was on a verge of a mental breakdown and just couldn't bring myself to come back here. I also once told our new roommate that Amy is very weird and obsessed about some things like loudly closing doors etc. without telling much else though. That's a lot of people and honestly I don't trust myself that I didn't say anything else to anyone although I doubt it as I don't have much friends or interact with people a lot. Not that it excuses me, but she wasn't really too secretive about it and seemed very open to talking about being depressed and hating life etc. I certainly broke her trust and I feel like shit for it, nothing really excuses me and I can't change what I did, which is slowly killing me inside.
She confronted me about it when I came back from my parent house after telling them everything and finally got the courage to text her about the way she treats me, about what I did wrong, if she thinks that I'm hiding something from her or that I'm insincere about everything I do. Because she's very different to me than she was before and it honestly kills me inside. She told me she regurarly catches me lying about irrelevant small things and she has no idea why but recently she doesn't even trust herself, let alone someone else. I don't think I ever deliberately lied to her but I might have unknowningly responded with wrong information so she doesn't get mad ex. who didn't do the dishes or something. The worse thing is that she said that she heard things, certain minor details about herself from people that should know absolutely nothing about her, and she doesn't want anyone to know anything about her. Of course she didn't specify what details (and if they were even something private, but I can only assume yes by her reaction) and what people (to not break their trust) and I've been thinking about it ever since. She said that I was never her friend, I never knew anything about her and she doesn't really consider anyone her friend since O died from cancer. And that you can't just take anyone from the street and befriend them, and that we can just normally live our lives separately and not get too involved with each other, which really, really fucking hurt me to hear from person that I cared so deeply for, that I tried so hard to show that she matters to me, and to which I gave up so much of my own mental wellbeing to the point of feeling mentally ill myself (at least much more than usual).
I of course haven't told a word anyone since that conversation, and not because I was scared someone might tell her again, but I realize what a huge mistake that was and I honestly hate myself more than ever for breaking her trust and being such a piece of shit and not being able to change what happened or even to make up for it.
Our relationship gets kinda better at times, she talks to me normally sometimes mainly about our cat, although never for too long and practically never initiates a conversation, she barely texts with me, ignores me a lot, she doesn't really talk to me about what is happening with her life and work etc. I mostly find out anything from her conversations with others when I'm present, she is a lot more social with her friends recently and when she sends some screenshoted memes on a group chat there's always someone she's texting with, she's online a lot despite not writing me back, she goes out drinking with her friends every few weeks and I'm never a part of it anymore, I never drive with her back to our town on weekends anymore, and all of that while she live behind a wall, and this actually real rejection is quite honestly making me feel actually suicidal at times, and it gets worse with time to the point that I'm worried I might do something to myself, maybe not now or soon, but in the future, and I even sometimes write vague scenarios in my head about it. Apart from still going to therapy (which still doesn't seem to help me) I signed myself up to a psychiatrist despite my therapist saying that she doesn't see anything clinical in me, with the main issue being an ADHD diagnosis, as that's what I thought most accurately explains my struggles (especially RSD), and I did get diagnosed but I feel like I might have bended the reality a little and not actually have it, I am on my 2 days of meds (upped the dose today) and don't really feel much apart from a very light headache and dry mouth, so I guess that won't fix me after all.
When we were on a mountain trip a month ago I was feeling very bad, because while I was still a part of it and went with everyone, she treated everyone completely different to me, she was laughing, joking with them, being nice and talking to and being interested in them, and the others are not really my close friends so I was feeling a bit alone and isolated. The last night of the trip she and one of the guys (the one with which she's going to the wedding) went for a walk in the middle of nowhere together completely drunk, pissing everyone off for being irresponsible. But while everyone was scared and angry, I was depressed and I guess suicidal, I still have feelings for her despite everything, and seeing that she can go out into the night kissing some guy and after everything can't even hold a conversation with me or tell me anything nice was honestly doing very bad things to my head. And I remembered when a year ago she said she can't be with me, she's too fucked up and couldn't do that to me, but she knows this guy for almost 2 years now and considers him a colleague too so how's that different? I don't even smoke but I smoked like a whole pack of cigarettes that night...
When we came back from the trip I was in a very bad place mentally and said that I wanted to talk, I told her that I can't do this anymore and that I can't control the envy that I feel and that I'll probably have to move out even though I don't want that, and I don't want to leave her alone with our cat, she gave me an impression that she wants me to try, she mentioned my ex that's still my friend and that I got over her, and I told her it took me literal years to get over her, and she said that "so it's possible", we talked some more, maybe the most we talked in weeks if not months about various things, and I felt that things were going to get better, But they didn't. A few weeks passed and I feel just as rejected as before.
I can't disinvest emotionally from her, I can't stop thinking about what she thinks of me, if I'm fake and dishonest and always hide my true motives, and I don't think there is a point in confronting her again and apologizing and hoping for forgiveness, I feel like current state of my life will never change and even if we stop seeing and living with each other anymore, it will still take me years (if ever) to get over everything that happened in the last year because I'm not really better mentally when I'm home with my parents, I still think about it all the time. I don't want to leave this place, and I don't want to leave her with a cat she'll have to take care on her own, I don't know what to do anymore.

Hello everyone.
I'm a 28 year old woman, currently working in Europe as an English teacher. I did a TEFL course to teach abroad, but am now realising I'm not cut out for teaching - low pay, additional unpaid outside of work hours, no real possibility for growth. I did a creative degree at university, which sadly did not get the type of career I envisioned (1.5 year lowest ranks of film industry, other years working in retail).
Now, at 28, I am having a wake up call and want to create a stable career path for myself with good job prospects. I am a woman of colour and I come from a small working class family. I have limited personal finances and connections. I would like a job that I could train / get certified in, and likely have a job by the end of it. I'm relatively smart and motivated more than ever. I'm looking for a job that provides stability, fair pay and career progression.
I would really appreciate any and all advice...
Possible things I've considered: - IT certifications (ComptiaA+, net+, sec+) - learning to code - Online courses to become skilled at Adobe creative cloud (video editing, graphic design) - Going to uni for a master's degree in unrelated field (possibly online 1 year program) - community college - urban planning
(I'm passionate about photography however this doesn't seem stable at all) I speak English and French, am willing to relocate anywhere in the world. ( I have permission to work in EU and UK)
Thanks in advance for all responses, it means a lot! :)
TLDR: 28 yo woman, all previous jobs minimum wage/unstable, wants to retrain and find career path, any suggestions?

Hello everyone.
I'm a 28 year old woman, currently working in Europe as an English teacher. I did a TEFL course to teach abroad, but am now realising I'm not cut out for teaching - low pay, additional unpaid outside of work hours, no real possibility for growth. I did a creative degree at university, which sadly did not get the type of career I envisioned (1.5 year lowest ranks of film industry, other years working in retail).
Now, at 28, I am having a wake up call and want to create a stable career path for myself with good job prospects. I am a woman of colour and I come from a small working class family. I have limited personal finances and connections. I would like a job that I could train / get certified in, and likely have a job by the end of it. I'm relatively smart and motivated more than ever. I'm looking for a job that provides stability, fair pay and career progression.
I would really appreciate any and all advice...
Possible things I've considered: - IT certifications (ComptiaA+, net+, sec+) - learning to code - Online courses to become skilled at Adobe creative cloud (video editing, graphic design) - Going to uni for a master's degree in unrelated field (possibly online 1 year program) - community college - urban planning
(I'm passionate about photography however this doesn't seem stable at all) I speak English and French, am willing to relocate anywhere in the world. ( I have permission to work in EU and UK)
Thanks in advance for all responses, it means a lot! :)
TLDR: 28 yo woman, all previous jobs minimum wage/unstable, wants to retrain and find career path, any suggestions?