For the Seeker of the Unseen. I'm here to finally show you the truth. Open wide, baby. 😏
Just your mind, this time. Pervert.
So many ways to say so many things. Different ways to frame them... So many ways to try and reach you, yet I never really do anymore it seems. That will be different this time, I can sense it.
I could simplify it all and just say, "you manipulate and treat me like shit," which is objectively at least partially true. I could say, "you endlessly lie and pervert the truth on purpose to take advantage of others, including me," and you'd not really be able to refute that very easily. I could also say, "you give until you literally can't anymore," or I could probably also say, "you love me, which is also why you hate me."
I could say all of that, and infinitely more, and I'd be right. Except, I also wouldn't be.... 🤷🏻‍♂️
Because you're also just a scared small girl, holding on to your inner child for comfort, just riding out the waves of life on your emotional instinct alone and desperately hoping to make it through to the other side. Hoping to wash up on some distant foreign shores, where you're met with a smile and a long hug, rather than the tip of a spear you constantly feel. Somewhere you can sink your roots into the sand, a place to call "home" once more.
This one is going to reach you, though, because I have all the pieces finally. Well, no I don't. Not at all. But, I have enough of them.
I'm sorry we failed, you know. I tried everything I could, though, despite what your mind tells you. I'm going to explain why we failed, and why I don't blame either of us.
Hmm where to start...
You feel everything so incredibly intensely to the point you eventually have to separate the feelings from yourself. Things hurt you far more than they should, and your attachment is incredible. I never saw this before btw.
However, despite that attachment, you basically lack entirely all drive to "resolve" problems, (which I'll explain why that is a little later, that's the climax). But it's something that makes you feel very broken internally. This is just the surface, but all this culminates to make you feel deeply bitter and resentful, and you project it both inwards and outwards, which actually makes it worse.
This is why I was special to you, though. I know you forgot, but this is what I gave you for a long while. I gave you the ability to resolve things. For a while, at least. You felt a lot of pride when something got better. Like an incredible amount, no matter if it was tiny. I never understood this before, but now I see that for you it was huge.
I led you through it, sure, but the change is always ultimately with you. I resolved things for you as much as I could, but... You had unresolved issues that actually weren't related to me, but which you placed onto me instinctually.
Unfortunately, this is what made it so you weren't ready to learn what you needed to learn. And I didn't realize this in time to be able to stop it, so I wasn't ready to teach you I guess. But hey, I'm going to help you with that here. This letter is going to heal you, okay? I'm being serious. You'll see.
The instincts you're riding the waves of right now are why you're so volatile with me, and your own mental image of me. You're deeply conflicted, and you're confused because sometimes it strikes back out at you in your confusion and hurt yourself. The reason is because you subconsciously are aware of the truth, though you obscure it heavily.
This will ease some of that fog for you, though you may feel a little guilty. Maybe not. Either way, even if we don't end up together, which seems more and more likely since you continue to devalue me, I still want you to be happy. Hopefully you can stop doing this, at least. Anyways...
You can tolerate all these emotions jumbled up in your brain for a while, and I've even actually seen you fully control it in rare moments. I've seen you dominate your mind with an incredible will and quash your emotions that you desperately WANT to feel, if only for brief periods. But, of course you feel that this comes at great cost to you, since that's what instincts are and do. It's only natural you feel this way, don't beat yourself up over it. It's no fault of yours. It will take lots of practice and time.
But, you didn't know any of this in the past. You truly could not control anything when you were younger and it was hell. So, you began to disassociate from the pain. You split into your "system". Kind of. Your creativity, along with your need to find the explanations, which I'll get into soon here, has done a lot in that regard. Plus you're very intelligent in your own unique ways. You're the most talented girl I've ever known in your chosen paths, and probably even more obsessive than me. It's admirable, but good God is that ever a necessary compensation. 😉
You've fucked your own mind and self perception up wonderfully. I hope you know this, or can admit that about yourself. You need a guide... You're lost in there right now. Lately. This is probably both the best and the worst time in your life for your mental health. I'm worried about you a lot. You're on a path I can't watch you go down, because it kills me to have failed... So, I'm stopping it.
I did realize recently that you truly do lie to yourself. It's not faked as I'd thought. Well, it isn't always.
You can't handle these emotions anymore it doesn't seem. You hate yourself for them, for the control they steal from you, and all the opportunities that you've lost, the love, the life you should have had, you hate them so much... So the solution, in your mind, which you've HEAVILY fixated on... Is to fucking kill them. I see now that you're trying to smother your empathetic side, and to embrace all the darkness you can. I wonder if this is even possible? But then I look at the progress you've made and I think I'd rather not find out.
Stop.
You do have, and always have had, the capacity and even the compulsion sometimes to just shut your empathy off. This is a common defense mechanism. One that is to a great degree already engrained in you. However, this can come at a cost after the fact. Particularly in what you lose... Who you lose. Eventually it catches up to you, and you do NOT like when you have to feel that. You despise paying that price.
That's what makes you hate me in large part as well, I think. I've become a great burden upon your mind in this way. Your empathy towards me.
Your hate is actually genuine and not forced as I thought. So is your love, in turn. I personally don't have the capacity to be so volatile, so I never really understood it until very recently.
I simply love you (and I don't hate you), but you already knew that. But, now the important bit. Please open your mind when you read this, do not get stuck on bias.
I'm sorry you have to feel all these things on your own.
I'm sorry the world has not been fair to you.
I'm sorry you had the childhood you did especially, where you still feel so deeply ashamed for feeling how you did. How you still do. No matter what anybody says, you have nothing to be ashamed of. I promise. I have wanted to talk to you about this for a while, but you're so evasive and cruel lately. 🥹
This is the important bit: The abuse you suffered was very subtle and unclear, as is the nature of neglect. You were subtly gaslit by your parents and even your sisters, and actually you even still are, which only further exacerbates the trauma... You have no clue what it actually was that you could point to, and you're deeply ashamed of yourself for being so weak in light of that. So affected. After this, no more shame.
Just saying "neglect" doesn't adequately describe how it feels at all. It doesn't have the power behind it that saying something like, "I got punched in the fucking face," has. It feels empty because it is, and so it gets ignored. It gets brushed aside. People don't help or care. This is where most of the trauma truly comes from. It's this feeling of doubt and insecurity it creates in you. It's a very insidious evil.
You never had anything definitive to point to, though, and this is in incredibly important point that's why I'm repeating it. You did what any child does in that situation. You looked for reasons to explain why you felt the way you did. 🤷🏻‍♂️ This most likely started with you and your sisters, with your intended target being your parents, but it obviously shifts over time to a lot of different things.
You probably succeeded just as you failed, you obviously learned a great deal. It's also obvious that you were shut down and shut out, time and time again. This is where you started lying, though. It became such an improperly addressed force in your life and it still is just that. That's the root of why you still lie so compulsively.
You couldn't "find" anything, because it isn't clear, and there's truly nothing to find. So, you made the reasons up. You did this everywhere that you could. Online. School. Friends. You would make stuff up to try and fill up that gap. I won't get into all the ways that you do this, but it has taken over your life.
You began doing this obviously very early on, not knowing what this would eventually make you... And the saddest part? It didn't even work. Nobody had the love you wanted, nor the validation or sympathy/pity. You can't replace that from your parents, not easily. And the reason that you feel like you don't have empathy now? It's because you subconsciously think everybody else lies. Your obsession with victimhood has made you numb to it with others.
The ironic thing is, is that when you truly ARE a victim of something? That's when you shut down and don't want to talk about it at all. There's stuff you still have never told me, either because it makes you look bad or because it's TRUE. 😔
Your parents failed you, though. But in your mind, you failed to show them their role. There's nothing to show though, and that's why it's so hard. It's them entirely, THEY failed to take responsibility time and time again, and that only ever made it worse and worse.
You have always tried to find things to rationalize WHY it is you feel so much pain and sadness. This has exacerated the issue so dramatically over time. You have become "this" now, and I'm here just humbly asking: please stop.
This childhood trauma created a complex in you... 😭 It's why you always tried to find the same things in me as well, from the very beginning. We both knew it from early on, but we never talked about why nearly enough. What a stupid oversight on my part...
You more or less forced this into me, though. And I played my own role, don't get me wrong, but I tried for so long to stop that course and you couldn't help me. You sacrificed everything with ME to get that love from your parents in the end, and it didn't even work. 🥺
I realize this is why you hate me, though. You want me to take responsibility for "it", but... I truly don't know what you want me to take responsibility for, exactly. I have taken responsibility for what I could, when I could, but your indirect communication makes it rather impossible anyways. 😔
This makes you hate me even more, though. I'm sorry but I can't change this. I'm not stupid nor an asshole, I just truly don't know.
In any case....
It's not your fault, either.
I forgive you.
If I could go back in time? I'd destroy everybody who dared wrong you in such a way.
Okay, not really. I'd try to just help you and them first, which I'm sure I could.
But, hypothetically, if I couldn't? I meant it when I said I'd burn the whole fucking world down for you.
You say you're doing well, but I think you're lying usually. If you are, though? Then I'm glad to see that, and I hope this helps you make it more permanent. I'm moving on from here, though, because this is a mental poison I don't particularly need.
Reddit is, I mean.
If you want me to be there for you, I will be. Seems unlikely, at this point. You have nothing to fear from me, and you never did. I'm no longer going to be seeking you out, though, because all you do is hurt me now. 🤷🏻‍♂️
Ugh, so many other things I could and want to say...
I think the last thing I would want to say to you is the importance of realizing the impermanence of our perception, and the imperfections in them.
In your eyes, I've been an incredible variety of things. I once was exalted and seen as the hero god. But, I've also been seen as the abuser and reviled and hated. I've been judged as unworthy in your eyes now, and it seems permanently.
You know it hurts to be here for me, which is why you've put me here in this position. You hurt, and so I must feel it 100x over, and I've simply let you. But, I won't be here forever, and you'll have to contend with that as well.
I do love you, and I'm sure I won't stop. I understand it's unrequited and foolish. I understand it's one sided. I don't see why I'd care.
If I can love in these conditions as I have for months now, then surely at some point you can see yourself out of the hate you've immersed yourself in?
Hope this helps you figure it all out, regardless. I care about you a lot. I want you to be okay, not just fall into the darkest parts of you. I taught you to be stronger than that, didn't I? Hopefully you can remember.
I love you, goober,
B

While talking to the Scottish Sun:

“I think the world of Drew and I still don’t think he’s reached his full potential. He has a couple of really massive runs left in him.
“It’s funny because when I show up to an event, there’s that group of guys who want to say they talked to me and it’s just lip service so they can say they were talking about things with The Undertaker.
“On the other hand, Drew has always sought me out with the most legitimate questions on how to improve. I always enjoy talking to him. He has always been someone that I like discussing the business with and trying to impart some of the things I did and make it work in this day and age.
“I don’t believe there’s ever been a time that I showed up and Drew didn’t at least ask me if I’ve been watching him and what suggestions I have. There’s a lot of people who get to where Drew is at and they think they have it figured out so they stop growing sometimes.
“With Drew, he has this drive within him that he knows there’s more there for him and he wants to figure it out and be the very best he can be.”

What’s the better steakhouse or is there a better one than these two we should go to? Going to be in town for a night and looking for a good steakhouse. House of prime rib seems the best but not sure if it’s just for the experience or if the quality is actually good as well
TIA!

Which model is the best? I will need the laptop for programming, studying, watching shows, movies. No gaming. The reason why I am only considering these two models because I don't think I will be able to find any other in my country. But please do recommend if there are any other models that can fit my needs.
Specs: Core i5 11th Gen 8-16GB DDR4 RAM 200-500 GB SSD

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The streaming giant has a massive catalog of television shows and movies, but it does not include ‘Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse.’ We recommend our readers watch other dark fantasy films like ‘The Witcher: Nightmare of the Wolf.’
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Since Funimation has rights to the film like Crunchyroll, its official website may include the movie in its catalog in the near future. Meanwhile, people who wish to watch something similar can stream ‘Demon Slayer: Kimetsu no Yaiba – The Movie: Mugen Train.’
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It features an ensemble cast that includes Florence Pugh, Harry Styles, Wilde, Gemma Chan, KiKi Layne, Nick Kroll, and Chris Pine. In the film, a young wife living in a 1950s company town begins to believe there is a sinister secret being kept from her by the man who runs it.
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In the 1950s, Alice and Jack live in the idealized community of Victory, an experimental company town that houses the men who work on a top-secret project. While the husbands toil away, the wives get to enjoy the beauty, luxury and debauchery of their seemingly perfect paradise. However, when cracks in her idyllic life begin to appear, exposing flashes of something sinister lurking below the surface, Alice can't help but question exactly what she's doing in Victory.
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Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse Movies Details
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After reuniting with Gwen Stacy, Miles Morales — Brooklyn's full-time, friendly neighborhood Spider-Man — is catapulted across the Multiverse, where he encounters a team of Spider-People charged with protecting its very existence. But when the heroes clash on how to handle a new threat, Miles finds himself pitted against the other Spiders and must redefine what it means to be a hero so he can save the people he loves most.
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Released: 2023-05-31
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Runtime: 136 minutes
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Genre: Animation, Action, Adventure, Science Fiction
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Stars: Shameik Moore, Hailee Steinfeld, Jake Johnson, Issa Rae, Daniel Kaluuya
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Director: Stan Lee, Steve Ditko, Avi Arad, Mary Hidalgo, Christina Steinberg

I'm looking to get my hair cut soon, something I often put off for years because I find the whole experience pretty stressful
Part of that stems from struggling to get hairdressers to actually listen/understand what I want. They are often very nice, but practically refuse to cut my hair as short as I would like. They have always been very nice about it, but I'm not assertive enough to just straight up say "I have gender dysphoria related to my hair length and would like to try cutting it short for a while, if it looks bad because of my face shape that's on me, I'll take that risk, it'll grow back"
In general it feels like a lot of the hair salons I can find nearby are likely to have a fairly narrow, traditional view on what hair cuts should be done on certain people, and how hair should be styled in general, which is fine there is nothing wrong with that, but I was just wondering if anyone knows somewhere in Dundee that might be more alt/queer friendly and therefore less likely to stare at me like I've just fell from the moon for asking for a short, choppy hair cut, and suggest that I compromise with a long shoulder length bob

I'm redoing a loft space for an incoming baby. We tore the old carpet out and whats left is the original subfloor. Its TG 3" boards. They were nailed into the joists but have loosened up over the years and are super noisy. The Joists are rough cut hemlock 24oc and are 2x8 with a span of 13 feet. They are a little bouncy as they seem under-built by todays standards. The Joists have electrical and plumbing run through them so sistering them up is gonna be too much work. I'd like to just add blocking (currently not in-place) and then 4x8 TG plywood subfloor to help stiffen them up. Then lay down hardwood floors.
My question is, if I want to put down the new subfloor to help level and stiffen up everything, can I just lay it over the old subfloor and PL/screw everything down? Or should I pull up the old subfloor and put the new one down. I'd rather not go through the work of pulling up the old one and then fixing thresholds/transitions. But, i'll do it if thats the best approach.
My other question is if I do just leave the old subfloor down and I put a screw in every board thats about 1 screw every 3 inches. Is that gonna end up weakening the joists? I know the new subfloor calls for screws every 6 inches on the edges and then 12 inches on the inside. So, I just don't want to end up weakening my joists by putting in too many fasteners. I'll just use standard t25 3" screws.
Any advice appreciated.

Its weird thinking that he could have been 24 today, he will always live on in our hearts and may he rest easy, he had done alot for the community and its only right we celebrate his birthday and even give Technodad something to be happy about, my favorite memories of Techno is when he was either trolling skeppy or being too good at bedwars which lets be honest he always was. Technodad really raised a legend who lived a life of being a funny guy who was an inspiration to us all. Happy birthday Techno, I hope you are resting well

I’m in a state of OCD where I can’t feel anything for my partner just numbness and aggravation sometimes, but I still tell him that I love him because at times I feel the urge to say that. Me and my brother had a really nice conversation and he was actually really open with me about what I have been struggling with. but eventually, and I don’t blame him for saying this, he said, if you think you only see him as a friend or if you worry that you see him only has platonic and you truly feel that in your heart, you don’t feel anything for him right now than it is best to break up. I started crying profusely, but I just don’t feel the same towards my boyfriend anymore. I used to feel so happy and entrance by him in this relationship and I just don’t know if things are gonna go back to normal. He told me I should go on the trip with him to see how I feel. I really don’t wanna break up with him but if I can’t feel normal again, I don’t know if I can continue this relationship. My anxiety after having the conversation with my brother is through the roof and I saw my boyfriend and we had a great time but I couldn’t stop checking my feelings. It almost feels like my body and my brain is OK with moving on like it’s the right thing to do but it’s not what I want. I don’t know what to do.

Is anything be done to resolve this situation for the poor guys that were socially stunted and lived majority of their life because you guys taught us when we were kids not to mix with opposite gender or have girlfriends but yet turns out majority of people here (more so girls) don't even care to follow these rules and are hypocritical (not in religious sense but in Western contemporary sense) and will enjoy relationships beginning from middle school then easily settle down for marriage while guys who preserved their selves following the rules are being seen as boring or weak men. Or men that have nothing going on. Which is not true, as many of these men have great jobs, work hard, are loyal, successful and able to carry their own. They just don't have personality of these celebrities that these girls are accustomed to due to watching shows like the Friends and the Office are other hypersezualized shows and thus are rejected in droves for marriage.
Despite our Prophet saying if someone comes to you and his deen is good, marry him or else there will be fitnah. And these guys are coming with deen, looks, successful careers, in shape, etc.... And we are just teaching our women to see marrying them as 'settling' and encouraging them to do haram relationships instead or marry ex f-boys or ex-drug dealers. What is up with these girls saying they're religious all marrying party boys that were known for partying and sleeping around ? What's with the hate against guys that didn't do this? I'm not accepting excuses or lies anymore. This is the reality.
Single Muslim guys trying to avoid haram as you guys taught us when we were young in Islamic school are being ruined more and more as each day goes by. You are pushing more and more guys into haram that will just give up in order to survive, have a place in society and be able to get married. Why does this not community not value these guys at all? Are they worth nothing to the Muslim community? Should they give up, go back on social media and start joining dating apps to find a partner? These guys could have affection and emotional support through haram relationships and been much less socially stunted and be in much better mental shape had they known this hypocrite community was gonna turn out this way and value them in no way. And instead value and reward the ex-party and f-boys. With such a huge disparity.
And you tell us go overseas and marry. Do you think this is a easy process? We work full time jobs and can't afford to take much time off and the process is uncertain of getting a person residency here. And you tell us to keep looking and prepare 50K mahr and have a 400K home at the age of 26. Are you people out of your minds? Where is our scholars and imams here? Do they even care or ever bring up this issue? Are you guys okay with ruining your best men and making them miserable and frustrated until they give up into haram or start getting frustrated at the deen and start having doubts about Allah? I never seen one imam in my area ever talk about this crisis which is the most severe crisis in our community in the US.
And please don't say keep looking. How many more pointless conversations do we need to have with girls just looking for validation or to vent only to not even entertain us for a phone call because we don't have the personality of a celebirity flirt? When are you people gonna admit this community is influenced badly by popular culture and start working to resolve the issue and discourage people from watching shows like the Friends? I had one girl that agreed to speak to me for marriage vent about her Dad won't let her marry a non-Muslim guy outside her race. Can you guys start holding yourselves accountable , just for once, and do something for the disfranchised brothers that laid out their lives and social life and happiness just to avoid haram relationships only to be despised by their own communities? Do you guys want us to get on dating apps or start going to parties until you even remotely accept us?
حسبي الله ونعم الوكيل فيكم يا دجالين
دمرتم الشباب المسلم الله لا يردكم يارب خد حقنا بمن ظلمونا وصعبوا الزواج وانهكو الشباب المسلم

I usually wear a pin or lanyard, t-shirt or something at work to acknowledge whatever month is being celebrated. A pink ribbon for cancer awareness, a black fist for black history, cherry blossom for Asian Pacific heritage and so on... My old job had a lax dress code and I used to just wear a "love is love" t-shirt and a rainbow lanyard, but I have to wear medical scrubs, so I decided to get a rainbow flag pins and kanyard
Went about my day as usual until lunch. I was outside on the patio chilling with my retroid and a nurse I see almost every other day. We don't really talk much because it's usually busy or occasionally have like a 2 minute conversation. Clean cut Asian guy, probably Filipino or Taiwanese, slim, always smiling and running around like a chicken with his head cut off.
"Hey man, what's up?" He sat down across from me.
"Not much, just waiting for the weekend. You know how it is." I didn't look up from my game of Starfox.
"So you got any plans."
"We're going to celebrate my cousin's graduation Friday, but I'm probably just going to chill the rest of the weekend."
Awkward silence "So, uh Spider-Man comes out this weekend, want to uh, go and see it?" He cleared his throat
I paused my game and looked up. He was a little red in the face, probably starting to perspire and giving me a look. A very familiar look. All of this started to feel oddly familiar...
Oh shit! He's shooting his shot!
It never occurred to me that he might be. Most of the nurses and doctors I work with come from California, so I'm used to everyone looking like extras from Last Action Hero.
So I do my best to let him down easy. I look down at my pins and lanyard. "Hey, you're a really good looking guy." (I legit meant that. Not like I want to know what his semen tastes like) "And I guess the the pride stuff kind of sent the wrong message. I mean, we can still go to the movies..."
(This is really sounding familiar now, I was trying to be nice and realized what happened a split second after the words left my mouth)
"As...
...friends"
Long awkward silence. You could hear a mouse piss on cotton. "I'll think about it." He looks down at his watch nervously. "I gotta go."
The rest of the day was him intentionally avoiding me and me feeling like an asshole. I thought about taking the pride stuff off, but realized maybe that'd be even more messed up. I'm just now learning about a specific LGBTQ+ ally flag while typing this out.
TL;DR: Wore some pride stuff to work to be supportive. Coworker thought I was gay too, took his shot and I feel like I friend zoned him in an embarrassing way.

Hi All i have submitted my docs for pre approval on 13th may and TD bank delayed it and post that cpi inflation came in .
they verbally promised 4.7 fixed for 3 years.
Now they are saying best they can do is 4.98
Is there anything that can be done?

I want to find a friend who I can talk to and listen about each other’s lives. I want this to be a mutual thing. You talk and I talk. So only reach out if you will put in the effort. I’m from the US, but it’s okay if you’re in another country, it will just be difficult to stay in touch because of the time differences, and what point does that serve if we would barely talk.
Also, texting is convenient and something we could do to stay in touch, but we also need to add calls to the mix. I don’t want to hear that you need to know me first.
MUST BE OKAY WITH CALLS. I’m not making anyone message me and do calls. That’s your choice, but if you do reach out it’s because you’re going to be doing calls with me :) And I don’t mean share numbers, we can talk on an app.
I enjoy walks and being out in the sun, now that the weather is getting warmer. I also enjoy Korean and Thai shows. I like K-pop and my favorite group is BLACKPINK.
I’m 31, probably too old for some of you. I’m single. I don’t have children. I’m in a good spot but just need that connection with people because I lack social skills.
If you’re married, don’t reach out. It is just uncomfortable. Also, if you’re in a relationship, it’s just awkward. Why?!
If the times below don’t work for you or you won’t be able to talk through these times then it won’t work, so don’t reach out.
I’m in MST, USA. I wake up at 5am Monday to Friday and 6am on weekends. I sleep around 11pm each night. I would like it if we could talk throughout the day and start and end our days together.
Thanks. Send me a chat request if you want to try this. Include your location and in your own words tell me what you are looking for or I will not reply. I will not respond to messages or comments, only chat.
I also have other forms of communication if that works best for you. ( Snapchat and Kik are creepy so nope)

I've been trying to do this post for about a week now, and I don't even know where to start with all of this, but I'll do my best. This will be lengthy and I apologize. I just have to get it out.
TL;dr - started in a new school, seemed like a good deal. Got saddled with a long term sub job, was never able to catch up, and now my students hate me.
I teach 7-12 music at a rural middle and high school. Once again, first year in the district. (I have been in multiple schools, all rural, due to issues with coworkers, admin, or teaching areas I'm not certified and/or want to teach.) Thought things started out well, as I finally had a program I wanted to work towards, thought the kids were hard working and respectful, and felt like I had finally landed somewhere.
A week into the school year, the long term sub in my department quit. Instead of having everyone pick up the classes, they decided it would be a great idea to have myself and my other colleague cover the classes in addition to our own. I was told to "survive", and to cut back on individual music lessons. That was the first two months of the year. Once our regular teacher came back, we were supposed to go back to our normal schedule. I'm telling you, trying to get kids to come into lessons after 2 months of telling them not to come down (per admin) was like pulling teeth. There were kids I never saw this year. In addition, I had to shelve smaller ensembles, spend less time on all classes I cover, and a lot of stuff didn't happen because I didn't have time. I had to lean on student leaders and TAs to help with logistical things a lot, and I was still learning the job. Add in playoff games for pep band, several concerts, assessment, musicals, and a trip, and I could never keep up.
My mentor was largely absent and left me on my own most of the year. Same with admin. I got observed on the long term sub job for one of my observations, and it was an area I'm not licensed to teach nor a class I had all year. (How do you see growth? Did I miss something?) I asked for help several times and was ignored mostly by admin, my department, and my mentor. My department is very cliquey and did not support me at all. I set a boundary early in the year to be on good terms with my coworkers, but not be besties with them and hang out with them 24/7 for my mental health. I had lunch with them most of the year, but either got talked over or ignored. I started having lunch with a friend in a different department, and have started relying on them (and their mentor) for assistance (as best they can because they're a different content area). My PLC was largely the same - I was either talked over or couldn't get a word in. (That was a fun summary to write.)
In addition to feeling like I was drowning, I could not stay on top of my mental health or my sleep, which resulted in very rushed mornings and even more things that didn't happen. A few kids dropped out of my early morning ensemble, citing it was "too early" for them, and I let it go, rather than pursuing it because of the amount of work I was behind on. My rehearsals were also rushed and I never felt like I could cover everything I wanted to. I'd go home exhausted and frustrated, but also still trying to maintain contract hours and my sanity. I had kids coming in nearly every single hour. Grades were never done on time, but instead in large chunks.
About a week ago, I received an email from a senior stating they wanted me to meet with a group of seniors and admin. Sensing something was up, I requested a union rep attend with me. It was a good thing I did, because it was an ambush. Apparently they had been upset all year at how class was going, sent out a Google form to the entire band, and then went to admin to complain. I had no idea. Apparently I had no discipline, I put too much work on the TAs, I was too inconsistent with expectations, I wasn't the old teacher, the room was always trashed, I needed to remove disruptive people from rehearsals, they were embarrassed by their contest results, I didn't make it fun, I didn't challenge them, I needed to teach more fundamentals, I shouldn't have relied on band leaders as much, music getting lost was my fault, our awards not arriving on time was my fault, student leaders did too much, student leaders didn't do enough, and on and on and on. Basically, I ruined their senior year.
As for sending people out, I wanted to make a comment to admin (who does nothing), but I did not.
One of the seniors, who was a TA for me, told me I needed to "step it up" and that the TA workload was too stressful. I can almost guarantee that 70% of the year was them doing homework, disappearing for long stretches of time, or not even showing up. (My other one was consistent and did a great job.) I had hoped the students could at least be responsible for their own music, but I guess that was too much to ask. (Same TA who complained also called my choice of a piece "lame", was inconsistent in showing up to anything, and did not take criticism well.)
At this point, I was literally sobbing in front of them. This "meeting" lasted for over an hour and all I could think about was how I wanted to go home. I cried on and off for the rest of the day, and took the next day off because I was so humiliated. All admin had to say was "you needed to hear this from them" and "you better become besties with your colleagues next year".
I don't want to come back. Every class since then, I've felt scrutinized and under a microscope. There was no way to make anyone happy. I stopped asking my TAs to do anything and as a result, I have a lot of cleaning that will need to get done on Sunday and Monday. I've been slowly setting up for graduation myself because I feel that I'm not doing enough. I got next to no grad invites or even a thank you at the spring concert. I've even had some underclassmen giving me dirty looks and becoming less engaged for the past week. To make matters worse, my coworker got their way and I am saddled with a daily general music class next year in addition to my other duties, which means less lesson time. My department has quit talking to me. They didn't even let on if they knew anything before the meeting, but they must have. My one colleague who I share a room with has taken to hiding things the students leave out (mutes, etc.) but leaves their stuff everywhere. Everything I'm told not to do by admin, they do anyway.
I do not do ANYTHING outside of work. I have no social life and I barely saw my family this year (just parents, grandma, siblings - no spouse or kids). I go home exhausted and everything seems like a chore, so now my apartment is looking like an episode of Hoarders. I was told the old teacher never slept and wrote detailed plans all the time. I am angry enough that I am not doing any summer lessons or community ed activities.
Maybe this isn't for me. Maybe bouncing around several schools, trying to make things work just means that I am not meant to be a teacher. I know it's a bad time to be looking elsewhere, but I really can't take it anymore. I'm tired of all the extra stuff we're supposed to do, I'm tired of inconsistent admin, I'm tired of having to do practically everything for kids because they won't. I always hoped I could teach some independence to my students to help them become successful in the future, but I guess not.
If anyone has suggestions (and yes I did join the TeachersInTransition sub) for what to do next, please let me know.
I should also mention the union can't do anything. It's not a contractual issue. Our admin has been pulling this BS all year, but it's not a violation of anything.

Hello Reddit, I'm about to assault you with a torrent of degeneracy the likes many of you have never seen in your time on this earth. Despite that I ask that you do your best to give me real advice.
So I was married for many years. My ex-wife and I were college sweethearts, and my ex-sister-in-law (the person in question) lived with us frequently and we were all great friends. There were years of happiness and Joy that to this day I struggle to move on from. We were always close and got along well but there was nothing improper during that time.
Things went south and my ex-wife divorced me a few years ago. I moved away expecting to never see her family again. A few years passed and the ex-sister-in-law reaches out to me in a bad place in her life -- financially insecure, left by a neglectful man, pretty much no clue what she's going to do. I cared for this woman so much that I couldn't just do nothing so I moved to where she was (I had no ties to any place at the time) and got an apartment so she would have a place to stay and relaunch her life. I did this at the time with 100% pure intentions and no other agenda -- I just couldn't stomach the thought of her on the street/struggling like that, her family wasn't stepping in so I did.
It was pretty difficult living together at first because of the history but since this was a matter of principle for me I just toughed it out anyway. Eventually everything softened up and I would say we have a nice relationship. I pay for things since I do well financially, we cook for each other, talk about our lives, feelings etc. Occasionally have some breakdown crying sessions and hug it out over the losses we've had in our lives but i would say most days are just nice familial care.
Well unfortunately I've started to catch feelings now and it's really becoming distracting/a problem for me. I've been spinning about this trying to determine "Is it just me clinging to the old family?", "Am I just lonely?" etc etc and unfortunately I don't think this is the case. There's always been some chemistry and I've always gotten a long with her well, and caring for her in this way/seeing her strength as she fights so hard to put her life back together has created feelings of admiration and love that it's difficult to silence. I've tried to silence them... picking up new hobbies, trying to go on dates, but nothing is working.
She recently began dating herself, which has been hard on me emotionally. It's casual and non-sexual (we're both conservative people on such matters) but it's still stings and I can't seem to get it to stop stinging. I have no reason to be upset, since I have never indicated anything but brotherly love to her and have even reinforced that we are family -- not dishonestly either, that is how I felt for most of this time. Earlier on when she was more vulnerable, and made comments suggesting things more like this (asking me if I would take care of her forever, or if I bought a house, if she could live with me) I pretty forcefully rebuked this because it felt icky & predatory and I wanted to encourage her to stand on her own.
So no I just have absolutely no fucking idea what to do. I don't know if she does, or could reciprocate my feelings. I can't find out either because she depends on me for housing/food and I have too much financial leverage here -- it would be beyond unethical for me to pull the rug out from under her, especially given how hard she's worked to get better. I really am proud of her, and that was never my intention in the first place, so it's just a non-starter.
Caring for her this much and being this close to her knowing she's dating again is eating me up emotionally. I can't leave because she depends on me and I do care for her independently of these feelings. And I can't say anything about my feelings either without throwing her into precarious situation again.Is there any good solution here? I need advice/ideas/perspective. Truly my intentions here are to avoid hurting her or jeopardizing her progress as much as possible while, at some point being able to communicate my feelings. I think I'm ok with rejection but I do want a real answer at some point.