TWBS Previous Next First
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---Esme’s perspective---
---Saturday, 11th of November, 2682 Terran Calendar---
---Southern England---
Fucking Sussex!
‘Can you send me to the Forth Valley?’
‘Oh, we can try… On an unrelated note, how’s your standard English? No problems in communicating?’
I should’ve just said ‘No, I have great difficulty in communicating in anything but Lallans Scots!’ instead of putting on my poshest English speech register to say ‘Marjorie dearest, would you be a lamb and pass another buttered scone… hold the raspberry jam, it’s far too spicy for me!’ which she told me she’d take as a ‘Yes.’
“This is an English language barracks. If you have been directed here in error, please make yourself known to barracks staff for reassignment.” plays a loud, prerecorded Welsh language announcement, over speakers.
They’re fucking rubbing it in!
“This is an English language barracks. If you have been directed here in error, please make yourself known to barracks staff for reassignment.” it repeats in Scots Gaelic.
“Ceci est une caserne Anglophone. Si vous avez été assigné ici par erreur, veuillez vous faire connaître auprès du personnel de la caserne pour une réaffectation.” it says in what I’m 90% sure is a French version of the same announcement (I can’t be certain, though, as that’s not one of my languages).
Looking at the crowds, queuing to get in, makes me regret asserting that I didn’t need transport here.
‘You shouldn’t be sending someone to War that you don’t trust to navigate themself from Galloway to Sussex!’ were my exact words.
I brushed off the recruitment officer saying that I’d be processed faster if I arrived on Military organised transport.
Well, standing here’s not gonna get me to the front of the queue now, is it!
I walk forward to join the massive throng of people, almost all of which look to be about my age.
It’s astonishing how short you feel, being an average height girl in a crowd of people!
178cm really isn’t all that much when you’ve got a not insignificant number of +2m guys here!
Even guys who are the average 188cm can make a girl feel short when their packed too close…
I see a few Neanderthal hunks… perhaps conscription won’t be all bad(!)
When I make it to the front of the line, the guy just stares expectantly at me like I’m supposed to already know what to do.
“Y’awright?… Err… mah nam’s Esme Reid…?” I say, hesitantly, in perfectly comprehensible speech.
“I’m sorry, would you repeat that?” he answers, looking at me like I just spoke to him in fucking Chinese!
“Greetings, gracious sir! You may kindly refer to me by the name ‘Esme Reid’!” I say, affecting my supercilious Southern English gentlewoman accent.
“Alright, Ms Reid. Please present your draft papers and identification.”
The balls they have to ask me to prove who I am when they’re the ones asking me to go off and fucking die for them!
I think about quipping that I should ask him to show me some proof that this is a legitimate Military installation sanctioned by the government of Sol… but think better of it…
Instead, I pull out my draft papers and my holopad, quickly getting up my identification app.
The man scans the code with his own holo and spends a few seconds glancing from his screen to my face and back.
Seeming satisfied that I’m not attempting to enlist under a false identity (for whatever strange reason a person might want to do that) he glances at my papers, says “Everything seems to be in order.” and waves a hand in front of a machine which whirs for half a second before spitting out a simple chain necklace with two little metal rectangles hanging off of it.
He hands it to me and says “This is your identification tag. Please check that the information on it is correct and, if it is, put it on and never take it off.”
I check the tag.
“You’ve got my name and birthday right…” I say, making a conscious effort to keep my speech register in that that a standard English speaker would consider acceptable “…don’t know about the regiment and serial number.”
“Those will be correct.” he says with a ‘move along’ tone.
I shrug, raise the dogtag over my head and drop it around my neck.
I walk on and he’s serving the girl behind me before I’ve even rounded the counter.
I’m ushered through the barracks, herded by the staff, until I reach a building labelled ‘Billet House 279’.
It doesn’t really look like I expected soldiers’ digs to look.
Definitely prefabbed but sort of has more the look of a uni hall than anything else… though I think it’s probably a bit much to expect that I’ll get a room to myself(!)
I follow the throng of draftees through to a wide open room, on the ground floor, that looks like it’s normally a cafeteria.
The camp attendants (who I’m guessing were in the same boat as us, not too long ago) direct us to stand along the left, right and nearside walls, keeping the back wall and centre of the room clear.
Everyone in place, there follows a few minutes of silence broken only by people whispering to one another.
Then, she enters the room.
Dark skinned and clad in green camo clothing, her scalp is easily visible between her cornrows with nary a hair out of place.
Her expression looks absolutely indifferent with just the slightest hint of a curled lip.
From the broadness and flatness of her facial features as well as her single mauve eye, she is clearly half Tshwane… though, you’d never guess that from her stature!
Female Tshwane average nearly 2m… the men are more like 2.2m!
She’s shorter than me!
She’s also built like a Sapiens, not the willowy thinness typical of Tshwane
I guess genetics interact in funny ways sometimes…
Based on her age, her Tshwane parent would probably have to have been one of the very first to be cloned back!
The other eye seems to have been ripped out at some point because in its place is a bionic and there’s a patch of hypopigmented scar tissue, forming a tear shape, at the right corner.
“Recruits… Welcome to the United Terran Coalition Infantry Trainin’ Camp, Graffham… My name is Warrant Officer Simone Sands… and I’ll be your drill instructor…” says the woman, cooly, speaking in a rough sounding, London accent.
The surname ‘Sands’ probably means her dad was the Tshwane (though not necessarily… she might have been given her mum’s surname… or it might be a coincidental English surname).
“…You all know why you’re here… Most of you’ve prob’ly already lost loved ones to this War… You are here to defend our right to exist… and I can’t think of a more worthy reason to fight than that…”
I’ve decided I like this woman… She may be English but I’ll try not to hold that against her(!)
“The first thing I need to tell all of you is that, by the end of your trainin’, you will NOT like me…” she says, as if reading my mind “…that’s OK. My job ain’t to be liked, my job ain’t to make friends… my job is to make soldiers!”
She casts her biological and bionic eyes around the room, letting her words hang in the air.
“Note… that I said ‘soldiers’… This ain’t Full Metal Jacket. This ain’t the 20th Century. There’ll be no Pvt Piles here!… I ain’t aimin’ to destroy your minds or your individuality. I ain’t goin’ to physic’ly and psychologic’ly abuse you into becomin’ robots or killers… I am makin’ you into soldiers… Regardless… this process will not be easy! In fact, it may well be the hardest thing you ever do!… As the face of this process, you will come to hate and resent me for it!… I hope for it! The more you hate me the more-DO YOU HAVE SOMETHIN’ TO SAY, PRIVATE?!”
Everyone in the room is startled by the authoritative woman breaking herself off to shout angrily at someone on the other side of the room.
“STEP FORWARD AND SPEAK SO EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU!”
The boy that steps forward is tall, bulky and muscular with a handsome, half Neanderthal face… just my type!
Then he has to go and ruin it by opening his mouth.
“I was just saying… that I find it somewhat difficult to take you seriously as a commanding officer… You just seem a little bit… little.” says the boy in the poshest, smarmiest English drawl I’ve ever heard!
The woman does not shout, she does not scream, she doesn’t snarl or even purse her lips!
She just nods, as if considering his words, then asks “What’s your name, Soldier?”
“Rupert Forest.” responds the boy, proudly.
“And, how tall are you, Pvt Forest?” responds the woman, unimpressed
“195cm.” he answers.
“And, what’s your mass?” she asks.
“110kg.”
“I see, I see… So, by your logic… you’d make a better drill sergeant than me, would you? You’re 25cm taller and 35kg heavier, afterall!”
He smirks “I wouldn’t presume to say so, Ma’am…” in a way that definitely suggests that he thinks he would.
She seems to consider that for some moments before answering “Alright then, fight me for it!”
“I’m sorry…?” responds the poshboy.
“You heard me… Clearly, you got no respect for skill and experience but it seems like you must respect power… so fight me for it! You win, you get to train this lot, I win, you never question my authority again!”
Is this woman mad!?
She may be a soldier but this boy she just challenged is a half Neanderthal giant!
She’s gonna lose!
I do not want to be drilled by some snotty, privileged English brat who got here at the same time as I did and just couldn’t keep his fucking mouth shut!
Then again, I don’t really want to be drilled by a woman so delusional that she felt the best way to squash insubordination was to challenge a man she has no hope of beating, either!
The guy is clearly salivating over the power that’s just been slapped on the table in front of him as he answers “I accept your terms, Ms Sands…” with faux magnanimity.
There’s no way they’d let a Private run drills, is there? When he wins, someone just needs to go and complain and they’ll give us another (less stupid) drill sergeant… right?
He strips off his jacket to reveal a pair of thick, muscular arms that (in spite of his repulsive personality) are a thrilling sight.
He has to go and ruin it by flexing and posing, clearly revelling in the room’s worth of gasps he got when he revealed his arms… He obviously likes being the centre of attention.
“Done?” asks Sands, drily.
“If you still want to do this…” he says, smugly “…you could just concede defeat and I’m sure no one would hold it against you!”
Her lip curls as she answers “But… if I did that, no one would learn nothin’, now would they…”
He shrugs before launching himself at her without waiting for her to give the word to begin.
She whirls out of the way and he snatches at her, unsuccessfully, as his momentum carries him past.
“Lesson 1:…” she shouts while snapping into the space behind him and kicking out his knee “…size does not determine victory, strength does not determine victory…” levelling another powerful kick between his shoulderblades to bring him to the ground.
She backs off, allowing him to scramble to his feet and turn to face her, hunched in readiness and scowling.
“…Pvt Forest here looked at me with contempt on account of my small size and, though he didn’t say so, I’d guess that my rough accent, my lack of a graduate epithet and my lack of a penis also played a roll in his judgin’ me as less than!… He thought he could beat me, he probably still DOES, and, ’causa that, he didn’t respect my ability to lead…!”
Forest makes another lunge for the smaller woman, misses and is punished for it by being knocked back to the floor.
I’m agog as I watch this little woman… there’s no other word but toy with the giant man!
“…but victory does not care how big you are, how strong you are, how classy or educated you are or what’s in your pants or panties…!”
She dodges around his arm and pins his chest to the floor with her knee.
“Discipline and trainin’ determine victory!… Things that I have and Pvt Forest LACKS!… Things that ALL of you will acquire, over the next 8 months!!!” she turns her head down to the mountain of man she’s pinning to the floor “Concede, Private!”
The man shakes his head, trying in vain to leverage himself up.
“Alright then… Lesson 2: When faced with a resistant individual, compliance can be effectively enforced by the expedient of lockin’ their joints to induce PAIN!!!”
She grabs his thick arms by the wrists and pulls them backwards in a way they are not meant to bend!
He screams in agony!
“CONCEDE!!!… Don’t make me send you to the Medical Officer! It’d be inconvenient for BOTH of us if your pride makes you miss your first week of trainin’ while your arms heal!!!”
He holds out for two more seconds before screaming “I concede! I CONCEDE!!!”
She releases him and stands back up.
“On your feet, Soldier…” she growls down at him.
He stands back up, his face beet red.
“Are you ever goin’ to question my fitness to instruct again, Private?” she glares up at the humiliated giant.
“No.” he answers, gracelessly.
“No…?” she says as if waiting for something else.
Forest looks as confused as I am about what she’s expecting.
“No, Ma’am!” she snarls.
“No, Ma’am.”
“Good, we’ll work on your attitude, movin’ forward. Now, get back in line!”
The humiliated man picks up his civvy jacket and returns to the place he was called out from.
“Now, I don’t think I need to prattle on anymore about how you’re gonna hate me by the end of our time together, do I?… I think Pvt Forest helped me prove that point quite well, so I’ll move on… You will sleep in this buildin’, six to a room. Your rooms will be gender segregated. If you wish for a place to be… intimate with people of the opposite gender, you may request use of one of the conjugal rooms… I suggest you do the same if you want to be intimate with a same gender partner but that’s between you and your roommates! You will eat in this room at 0700hrs, 1200hrs and 1800hrs. Diet’ry requirements will be accommodated but, bare in mind, this ain’t your mummies’ and daddies’ kitchen! ‘This food is forbidden by my religion/personal ethics’ is a diet’ry requirement. ‘I am allergic to this food’ is a diet’ry requirement! ‘I don’t like how this food tastes’ is not(!)… In the mornin’s, you will be receivin’ lessons in lecture theatres, workshops and the like…”
“Oh great… just what I wanted after leaving school(!) More classrooms(!)” I mutter to myself.
Her head instantly wheels to me with unnerving precision.
“Someone else with somethin’ they’d like to say!?” she says, locking eyes with me, terrifyingly.
“No, Ms Sands!” I answer, instantly.
“Miss?! I’m not your bloody schoolteacher girl!!!”
Everyone laughs. Even Pvt Forest, like he wasn’t just humiliated himself, 2 minutes ago!
“Ma’am… err… Ma’am, no, Ma’am!!!” I say, doing my best to emulate the tone I’ve seen soldiers use in films.
She rolls her eye (it’s difficult to tell if the bionic rolls too) and says “Better… What’s your name, Private?”
“Ma’am, the Private’s name is Esme Reid, Ma’am!!!”
“Do you remember me tellin’ you this ain’t Full Metal Jacket?… You don’t need to scream when you talk to me, you don’t need to refer to yourself in third person and one ‘Ma’am’, when you’re done speakin’, is enough, Reid!”
“Yes, Ma’am.”
She points to her single, mauve eye, then to me and says “I’ll have my eye on you, Reid!”
Somehow, her tone sends a chill up my spine but I do my best not to show it.
She turns away and I release a silent sigh of relief.
“As I was sayin’… In your lectures you will learn the ins and outs of military theory; tactics, strategies, logistics etc. You will learn as much as we can tell you about the nature of the species we are fightin’; their capabilities, tendencies, political organisations and known weaknesses… bear in mind that First Contact weren’t much more than 4 years ago and we’ve been at War for almost all the intervenin’ time, so a lot of what we teach you will be little more than guesswork and hearsay from prisoners we’ve interrogated… The mornin’s’ll also be where you learn the particulars of the equipment you’ll be expected to be proficient with in the field. This includes firearms, plasmaweaponry and durasteel armour, as well as the tech you’ll likely encounter from the opposite side; kinetic pulse weapons, laser weapons, field emitters etc… I strongly suggest that no one allows word to get back to me that they’re not takin’ these classes seriously!… A stupid soldier is a dead soldier!”
She glares around the room, her eyes resting on me four a quarter of a second.
“…In the afternoons and evenin’s, you’ll be doing PT… that’s ‘Physical Trainin’’… soon to be every one of your two least favourite words in the English Language(!) “
I notice a wry smirk twist the mouths of a few of the camp attendants.
“In PT you will be drilled in agility, endurance, close quarters combat and coordinated marching… Five times over the comin’ 8 months, you and your trainin’ partner will be dropped into a remote bit of wilderness, somewhere on Earth, for five day practical survival experience. You will be given a beacon, to summon retrieval, but these are only to be used in cases of actual threat to life or bodily integrity… not because you’re feelin’ miserable!”
She takes a second to pause for breath.
“You get an allowance of 12 days off, over your time here… that’s two a month… These are subject to my approval and I may deny them for any reason, including no reason… so don’t piss me off!… You may not take more than 2 consecutive days leave at a time! Certain classes are mandatory and leave will not be approved on days they occur. If your allowance is spent, no more leave will be approved, barring a real emergency!… Now, for today, you are going to line up to have your maps and room keys downloaded onto your holos when your name is called, then you are going to have your bodies scanned for your armour measurements… at that point everyone with no uterus has the rest of the day free to settle in… If you have a uterus, you’ll need to report to medical to get your cycle paused! This is, I’m afraid, nonoptional… You are not prohibited from engaging in relations with your fellow recruits but you cannot be a soldier while you’re able to get pregnant. Attempts to circumvent this requirement in any way will land you in the Stockade!… After your cycle pause has been given, you’ll also have the rest of the day to settle in… Enjoy it! It’ll be the most downtime you get for a while!… Finally… I believe we have a 17 year old with us here… Pvt Taylor?”
A few people put their hands up, most looking confused.
“Pvt Oskar Taylor! The 17 year old?” she says, exasperated.
All but one of those with their hands up put them down.
The one remaining Pvt Taylor with his hand in the air has pale skin, black hair, brown eyes and a sharp featured face wearing a dour expression.
He stands even taller than Forest… Nearly 2m tall!
Though he’s not quite as heavily built, he’s certainly a good looking piece of boycandy!
“Pvt Taylor…” says Sands, her mouth breaking into a smile for the first time I’ve seen “…couldn’t wait to go off to War, could you(?)”
He mutters something but, while I can hear the power and deepness of his voice, I can’t make out a word he says.
“You’ll have to speak up, Taylor! Nobody’ll be able to hear you if you mumble.” points out Sands.
“I said I had some personal circumstances that made this the most sensible course of action for me, Ma’am.” says the tall, dark haired man, looking over her head rather than down at her and speaking in a grim monotone. He definitely loses boycandy points for the poshness of his accent, unfortunately…
“I see… I won’t pry into that but… you didn’t think of Officer Training? That’s the route that most people take when volunteering ahead of their conscription.”
He shakes his head “I thought of it and decided against it, Ma’am.”
“Oh? Why’s that, Pvt Taylor?”
“I didn’t believe I would make a good officer, Ma’am.” he answers simply.
She laughs “I wish every soldier could be as introspective, Taylor! I like you!… Unfortunately, bein’ a minor does mean that you can’t be put in a room with others… Sooo, that means you get a room to yourself… for the moment. Might sound cushy but before anyone else gets too jealous, bare in mind that privacy is the only advantage! His room will be a sixth the size of yours so its basic’ly a broomcupboard… the disadvantage will be severely reduced opportunity to socialise!… If that doesn’t sound doable, you can leave and come back when you turn 18, Taylor.”
“It’s acceptable, Ma’am.” he says without hesitating.
Yeah… it’s official… I don’t like him…
---later---
I rub the spot on my arm where the serum was thunked into me about 15 minutes ago.
Like with everything else about conscription, I get it… I understand the point…
But seeing the sense doesn’t mean I have to like it!
It’s not like I want to get pregnant (getting a nine month reprieve from service would be a fairly shitty reason for me to bring a child into the world) but it does feel like one last slap in the face to my personal autonomy that I’ve just had a cycle pause fucking mandated upon my body by the government!
As I draw near, door 1512 detects the key downloaded on my holo and unlocks
I open it and am greeted by a blonde girl, smiling broadly and instantly identifiable as brimming with ADHD energy.
“Hey there! My name’s Charlotte, it’s lovely to meet you!” says the girl, wrapping me in a hug without asking if I’m OK with that.
Her accent makes me wonder if everyone I meet here is going to be a posh toff!
She makes three of three of my fellow draftees!
“A pleasure, Charlotte… the name’s Esme…” I say, speaking Scottish accented standard English and gingerly patting her back.
“Oh, you’re Scottish…?” she says pulling herself off me with an expression that suggests meeting a Scottish person is just the most wonderful thing she could have imagined “…My great grandmother was from Edinburgh, where are you from?”
“Stranraer.” I answer.
She frowns “I don’t know it, I’m sorry!”
“I won’t hold it against you… Southwestern tip of Scotland? Where it nearly touches Ireland and the Man Peninsula?… ’Bout two and a half million people?”
“Oh, wooow! I don’t think I’ve ever met someone from a village before!” she says, seeming entirely oblivious to how that might be taken as an insult.
“Yeah… I guess it’s not that big.”
“Well…” she wraps me back in the hug and continues “…we’re the first ones to the room and that has to mean we’re going to be best friends!”
“I’m afraid my best friend’s name is Tamsin… the position is not open.” I say, firmly setting a boundary.
“I meant best bootcamp friends, silly!” she says, as if that should have gone without saying.
“Alright… I guess that positions open… but you’ve not got the job yet(!)” I quip, warming up a little to the ball of posh English energy.
She pulls back and beams at me “Alright then, for my first act as best bootcamp friend candidate, let me show you the view!… That should earn me some points!”
She says, leading me into the room that’s so small it makes me doubt that that goody-two-shoes 17 year old can possibly have one a sixth this size!
She leads me to the window and spends a few moments making sure I’m positioned just right before she draws back the curtain.
The view is quite breathtaking… rolling hills of snow blanketed mammoth steppe, lit by evening sun, with barely any of the sprawling military camp visible.
Though, you can see one of the tallest structures ever built by Humanity… the Sussex Space elevator… several times the Earth’s own diameter, the ‘top’, if you can even call it that, is a fifth of the way from here to Luna! …And… in 8 months, I’m going to be riding it, all the way up, to get on a troop transport.
“Look! See! There’s a herd of aurochs over on that hill! You know this place used to be a national park, before even Unification or the Reset! It’s called the South Downs! My mum told me we had family from here… obviously I never met any of them because they would have left hundreds of years ago!…”
The bubbly girl talks and talks and… just keeps talking… but I don’t particularly mind.
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TWBS Previous Next First

The Nature of Predators is made by u/SpacePaladin15
Previous/ First
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Memory transcription subject: Varce, Cattle Farm Δ12
Date [standardized human time]: January 5, 2137
The kitchen was once again filled with the scent of boiling crab. Al and Kyra were manning the cooking station, occasionally poking down crab parts that would try to float to the surface. The rest of the division and I were separating meat from shell.
Al’s injured arm was coming along nicely. The gauze that lined his arm under the bandages stayed clean the last time he checked himself. He could even somewhat use it now. While he couldn’t do more physically intensive activities like splitting body shells with his knife, he could still do smaller things like cooking.
I looked up from my work when I heard an annoyed sigh coming from my human. Oddly enough, Kyra was shooting a glare of pure disgust in my direction. Not really sure what I did to warrant that kind of look.
As I sat there confused, a large hand reached over me and snatched the piece of crab meat I was working on. Alright, who’s the smart guy? I turned to chew out the thief, however I stopped when I was greeted by a wall of scales. The list of Arxur I knew that were this large was dangerously short.
Yeah, danger is a good word for this.
I bowed my head down in fealty. “Your cruelness. How may I serve you.”
An audible swallow could be heard above me. “I’m not here for you Welfare Officer. Human, follow me… Also, this food is awful.”
Chief Hunter Shaza pivoted away from me and began walking towards the door that was currently being manned by a pair of guards. There was nothing more I wanted to do at that moment than to tell her to fuck off. After the wound she inflicted on Al, she would have the self-entitlement to come in and start commanding him to do her biding. I stayed silent though, maybe I’m a coward.
As I started to sink into my own thoughts, I felt my arm getting tugged. Al was standing by me, motioning his head for me to follow him. But she doesn’t want me. I don’t want to get her mad… I forced myself up. My legs felt like lead as I fought every instinct in my head. I’m not going to run and hide. I’m not a prey.
I pulled myself along, following Al into the hallway. The door guards looked me over as they began tailing us. My heart skipped a beat as Al hopped forward a few paces, aligning himself to be beside the Chief Hunter.
Worse yet, he started to talk. “Chief Hunter Shaza. I’d like to have a quick conversation with you. There is a restroom down the hall.”
She lazily swung her head towards him and gave a grunt. “Fine.”
You stupid bastard.
I quietly followed them into the restroom, unsure of what was to come. The guards stopped at the door to ensure we had privacy. Shaza stood next to a sink while looking the two of us over.
Al postured himself respectfully and spoke. “Chief Hunter Shaza. I have raised the price of my cooperation.”
The Chief Hunter gave pause. “And what made you think you have a say in this?”
Al tapped his bandaged arm. “Besides the obvious one? I suspect you’re not in a good position to be saying no. So I might as well take advantage of the situation.”
She didn’t like that. “You think I’m vulnerable? Like a weak prey.”
Al kept a straight face. “Your Cruelness. You lost a quarter of your bargaining power and have an angry Prophet Descendant demanding results. You came to me to give you those results. I will give you what you need, but I want you to do something for me in return.”
Her eye twitched in anger. Al got a bullseye on this one. The fact she hadn’t gutted him yet was proof that she was desperate. The Prophet Descendant was the only person in the Dominion that could have her executed. And it looked like she was fearing for her neck.
Shaza approached my human, grabbing the top of his head and looking him in the eyes. “What do you want?”
“I want Varce here to be given top priority in the Dominion’s eugenics program. I want every one of his kids to be supplied with big swaths of fertile land for raising syasaras. I want his kids to never know hunger.”
The senior officer exhaled a chuckle while releasing Al’s head. “That’s it? You got me worked up over nothing… I’ll write a recommendation if you offer anything worthwhile to me.”
I was speechless. I’d told Al a couple of times about how I wanted to get into the eugenics program. This was a dream come true. To not only get to father the next generation, but for them to be guaranteed a good life as well. I’d owe Al a debt I’d never be able to fully pay. I… I just… Thank you.
A firm hip check to my outer thigh brought me back to reality. Shaza was already walking out the door as Al waved me a goodbye. With everyone gone, I mulled over what happened as I washed my claws. My life has gotten so much better since I met my human. I really do need to think of a way to show him my gratitude.
As I strolled my way back to the kitchen, it occurred to me that vice admiral hadn’t given me any notice of Shaza’s arrival. I pulled out my holopad while entering the kitchen. Kyra gave me a worried look that I alleviated with a joyful nod.
I relaxed in a chair while messaging the vice admiral. “Vice Admiral, are you aware that Chief Hunter Shaza is back?”
He replied. “I was unaware of this. Thank you for the update. I’ll make accommodations for my guest.”
She just zips around as she pleases with no regard for others, doesn’t she? No one ever standing up to her has certainly given Shaza a number of “personality traits”. It explains a lot really.
I peered up from my holopad and looked around the room. The first half of the meat had been de-shelled while the second half of the crab was still boiling. Al’s hard boiled egg plate was only half eaten. I made a mental note to take that home for my human.
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I laid on my bed staring at the ceiling waiting for Al’s return. The goober left his holopad at the cooking station as a timer so I haven’t been able to get status updates from him. I know that he was acting like everything was fine when he left, but I was still concerned he’d show up with another gored arm. He really is quite fragile. His skin is soft and weak. He has barely any physical strength in comparison to an Arxur. He needs someone like me there for him. Someone that will crush those that try to do him harm.
I lamented the fact that I didn’t follow him after the restroom. That was another failure on my part. It wouldn’t have been the end of the world if I stayed with him. He can barely handle a couple of pissy humans, yet he thought he could stand against a superior being like Shaza. I sunk into my darker thoughts.
What if I were to lose him? I’ve effectively been alone my entire life. The danger of Betterment labeling me defective for reaching out to others prevented me from ever forming anything meaningful with people. The only reason I risked it with Al was because I figured I could pass it off as a weird human thing. But now that I have him, I just don’t think I could let go. I can’t see myself going back to pretending to be an empty husk.
I almost felt sickly. My stomach felt weighted down by the intrusive thoughts of being alone again. Kyra would probably fade into the background again. Tarth would still be chatty, but I’d imagine his words would return to being meaningless noise meant to incite anger.
The sound of the common room door opening made me bound out of bed. I darted to my bedroom door and opened it to greet Al. The blond hairball happily waved as he walked over to greet me. I pulled him into my room so we could spend time together.
My human started talking with a big grin. “Hey Varce, guess what? Tomorrow morning, you’ll be receiving a flight itinerary to Wriss. Make sure to have lots of fun. I’ll hold down the fort for you here, okay? Oh! And drink lots of water.”
I couldn’t stop myself from letting a grin slip. “So Chief Hunter Shaza liked your offer?”
“Oh yeah. The Dominion is going to be in a much better position here in a couple of days. Probably not going to be great for our job security though.”
As long as I get to keep Al around, I don’t mind. “That’s good. Your probably hungry by now. Take a seat.”
I led him over to my bed and gave him his egg plate. I loaded it up with some crab from dinner as well. He really doesn’t eat enough in my opinion, so I’ll make sure he stays in tiptop condition.
Al gave me a smile when I sat next to him. “Thanks Varce. I’m gonna be honest though. I just ate a bunch so if you could help me with this, it would be greatly appreciated.”
How? Did he stop by the main facility to cook something on one of the hotplates? “I’m not going to turn down free food. What did you eat anyway?”
“Vice Admiral sent a harchen over as a gift. Shaza offered me some. I think she was trying to do some kind of purity check on me.”
I missed my favorite little predator’s first foray into something besides tilfish? Dammit. She stole that moment from me.
“Oh. So how was it?”
Al grimaced. “It sort of tasted like somebody accidentally dropped it in the dirt. Maybe some of the ‘gamey’ flavor could be cooked out.”
I plucked a couple of eggs from Al’s plate. “Next time some harchen rations show up, I’ll give you a bit to cook up back at the kitchen. Deal?”
“Sure. I don’t know if it’ll beat these eggs though.”
I can’t argue with that. The cooked crab meat is kinda meh, but these hard boiled eggs with salt? I could live off of this stuff. Cleaning the cooked tilfish egg slime out of the pots in the restroom was even a fair trade off as far as I was concerned.
Speaking of… “What was the deal with you wanting to talk to Shaza in the restroom of all places? There are plenty of empty rooms you could have used.”
“I didn’t want any unwelcome eyes observing our conversation. The only places that don’t have cameras in this cattlefarm are staterooms, officer quarters, and restrooms. Shaza doesn’t want anything we talk about to be recorded.”
That got a little chuckle out of me. “Is she seriously THAT concerned about someone seeing her with a human?”
Al gave me a confused look. “What? No. Varce, the humans captured Chief Hunter Isif and then suddenly showed up right behind our fleet. There’s a very real chance that humans have infiltrated almost all of our digital systems since Isif had access to them. All of the higher ups in the Dominion are going radio silent right now until the situation gets resolved. Don’t tell anyone this. It’s supposed to be super secret. We’ve actually been giving out tons of misinformation on our communication systems while we patch things up.”
Shit… I wasn’t aware of that.
My human continued. “Yeah. It’s a whole thing right now. According to the tech guys, they’ve pinned down most of the potential leak points. They’re going to do a mass shut down and purge sooner or later… Oh. Funny thing. They all thought for sure that you were a smurf account that was giving out human propaganda for like the first week after you released the guide. They thought they were extracting sensitive data when they asked us questions. Fucking hilarious.”
What? “They thought I was a UN internet spy? Okay, there’s some irony in there somewhere.”
We (mostly me) finished off Al’s food plate and set it aside. It was fairly late, so we decided to call it a night. Al crouched down to fish out his foam pad from under my bed. The pad was really thin all things considered and not really appropriate to sleep on long term. Well that’s one thing I could do to improve his quality of life.
I snaked my arm around Al’s abdomen and pulled him onto my bed with me. I knew for a fact that he would be more comfortable on a soft officer mattress then some crap foam sheet.
I dragged him under my bed covers. “Here. Just sleep on the bed. Making you sleep on the floor for a month was honestly a really shit move on my part.”
Al awkwardly responded. “Uh… Okay. This is a lot better.”
“No worries. You’re a few degrees warmer than me, so this is an improvement for both of us.”
I was very much intending on stealing some of his body heat. I’d say the arrangement was mutually beneficial overall. Who knows, maybe one day humans and the Arxur people could have a something beneficial like what my friend and I have.

Most Somali people I’ve met suffer from acid reflux, severe fatigue and stomach issues, caused by many different factors. In my opinion, I think the biggest cause is gluten (wheat flour) ex: canjelo, roti, baasto, malawax. Almost all grains are GMO. You guys should try going 100% for a month gluten free, and then after a month try eating flour. If you get sick then you should stay away from all gluten. American food is already full of inflammatory ingredients, sugar alcohols, gums, thickeners, preservatives, and artificial sweeteners. I have never met a Somali family that prioritizes their health and eats a diet full of organic whole foods, leafy greens, and high quality protein. Almost all Somali women in cold places like Minnesota, Toronto, Scandinavia, and the UK have SEVERE Iron and Vitamin D deficiencies and we should be eating diets that can give us a lot of iron and vitamin D, as well as take supplements. Oily soups, siliid macsaro, fatty/fried meats cooked in a bucket of siliid… This is unacceptable! This year I suggested to my hooyo that we have a healthy Ramadan and everyone was looking at me crazy… 😒

For the past 3 years I've been dealing with Emotional Numbness and Sexual Dysfunction that all began after an intense and chronic episode of stress, depression, and anxiety. My body and brain was constantly in fight or flight mode and then one day all of a sudden everything just seemed to shut down and things haven't been the same since.
Regarding the Sexual Dysfunction, I have Erectile Dysfunction. My erection quality has significantly diminished. I no longer wake up in the morning with an erection, I can't get an erection or maintain one, and I don't get random erections anymore.
My sex drive is also gone. I used to have a very high sex drive. I no longer feel sexual attraction, desire, thoughts, etc. I no longer have an urge to have sex or even masturbate.
I've also noticed that I have reduced sensation to my penis. When I try to stimulate it, it just feels dead.
With the Emotional Numbness, my emotions are severely blunted. I can't feel arousal, I can't feel adrenaline, I can't laugh like I used to, I can't feel euphoria, etc. I also can no longer feel stress hormones. I can no longer feel the sensation of my heart beating out of my chest when I am in adrenaline inducing sensations.
The Emotional Blunting and the Sexual Dysfunction have been the most bothersome symptoms, but other symptoms I have noticed in addition to this are: I don't have an appetite, I have muscle tension, and I also have brain fog/head pressure.
I believe that episode of intense stress, anxiety, and depression caused inflammation to my brain and body that has been difficult to reverse.
I've had my Hormones checked via blood. My Cortisol in the morning was pretty elevated. I had an ACTH Stimulation Test done, but it actually revealed my Cortisol was a bit lower than it should be. My Endocrinologist had me take Hydrocortisone for 8 weeks, but I felt no difference.
I also had an MRI of my Brain and Pituitary Gland and both were normal.
I am currently seeing a Functional Medicine Doctor and he ordered further testing including a Cortisol Saliva Test and a 24 Hour Dried Urine Test.
These were the abnormalities noted from my blood tests:
1) My Vitamin D was insufficient. The value was 28.3: Reference Range: 31.0 -80.0 ng/mL.
2) My White Blood Cell Count was low. The value was 3.52. Reference Range: 4.00 - 11.00 K/uL
3) My Vitamin A was high. The value was 62.5. Reference Range: 18.9 - 57.3 ug/dL
4) My Estradiol was high. The value was 49 pg/mL. Reference Range: < OR = 39 pg/mL
4) I had an Essential Fatty Acid Deficiency.
5) I had an Increased Insulin Level.
6) My Vitamin B6 was on the lower side.
7) My Testosterone levels were normal. They were listed at 872 ng/dL. Reference Range: 250-1100 ng/dL.
8) My Free Testosterone was a little high. It was listed at 160.2 pg/mL. Reference Range: 35.0 - 155.0 pg/mL.
9) My Dihydrotestosterone (DHT) was high. It was listed at 98 ng/dL. Reference Range: 12-65 ng/dL.
10 Cortisol, A.M. was slightly elevated via blood. It was listed at 22.3 mcg/dL. Reference Range 8 A.M. (7-9 A.M.) Specimen: 4.0-22.0.
I also had a 24 Hour Dried Urine Test and Saliva Test that revealed the following:
1) b-Pregnanediol was below range. The value was 32.0 ng/mg. Normal Range: 75-400.
2) a- Pregnanediol was on the low end of range. The value was 31.4 ng/mg. Normal Range: 20-130.
3) Estradiol (E2) was above the range. The value was 2.2 ng/mg. Normal Range: 0.50-2.2.
4) Estriol (E3) was above the range. The value was 10.6 ng/mg. Normal Range: 2-8.
5) 4-OH-E1 was above the range. The value was 0.8 ng/mg. Normal Range: 0-0.8.
6) Total Estrogen was above the range. The value was 34.8 ng/mg. Normal Range: 10-34.
7) 2-Methoxy-E1 was on the high end of range. The value was 2.34 ng/mg. Normal Range: 0-2.8.
8) Androsterone was above the range. The value was 3157.0 ng/mg. Normal Range: 500-3000.
9) 5b-Androstanediol was on the high end of range. The value was 244.6 ng/mg. Normal Range: 40-250.
10) Saliva Cortisol - Waking (W) Was above the range. The value was 6.3 ng/mL. Normal Range: 1.6 - 4.6.
11) Saliva Cortisol - W+30 min was on the low end of range. The value was 3.96 ng/mL. Normal Range: 3.7 - 8.2.
12) Saliva Cortisol - W+60 min was below the range. The value was 2.2 ng/mL. Normal Range: 2.3 - 5.3.
13) Saliva Cortisol - Afternoon was on the low end of range. The value was 0.48 ng/mL. Normal Range: 0.4 - 1.5.
14) Saliva Cortisol - Night was within range. The value was 0.33 ng/mL. Normal Range: 0 - 0.9.
15) Saliva Cortisone - Waking (W) was above range. The value was 23.13 ng/mL. Normal Range: 6.8 - 14.5.
16) Saliva Cortisone - W+30 min was above range. The value was 19.74 ng/mL. Normal Range: 12.4 -19.4.
17) Saliva Cortisone - W + 60 min was above range. The value was 15.59 ng/mL. Normal Range: 9.4 - 15.3.
18) Saliva Cortisone - Night was on the high end. The value was 3.93 ng/mL. Normal Range: 0-0.48.
19) Saliva Cortisone Total - Above range. The value was 65.96 ng/mL. Normal Range: 36 - 55.
20) a-Tetrahydrocortisol (a-THF) - Above range. The value was 877.0 ng/mg. Normal Range: 175 - 700.
21) Pyroglutamate was on the low end of range. The value was 45.8 ug/mg. Normal Range: 38 - 83.
22) Homovanillate (HVA) was on the low end of range. The value was 5.7 ug/mg. Normal Range: 4 - 16.
His Nurse Practitioner ordered other blood tests for further investigation and accuracy including:
• CBC and differential • Vitamin A and Metabolite • Hemoglobin A1c • Estradiol • Cortisol • Free Testosterone Evaluation • Pregnenolone • DHEAS • Dihydrotestosterone • Basic Metabolic Profile • Lipid Profile
The Nurse Practitioner gave me three supplement recommendations:
1) OmegaGenics® EPA-DHA 1000 (60 Softgels) (Metagenics): Please take 1 gel, once / day.
2) Vitamin D3 2500iu (100 Softgels) (Jarrow Formulas): Please take 1 gel, once / day.
3) B6/B1 Plus Zinc (90 capsules) (Biotics Research): Please take 1 capsule, once / day.
I am also currently seeing a Psychiatrist. I've tried Wellbutrin starting at 150MG, then 300MG, and then 400MG to no avail. I then tried Rexulti along with the Wellbutrin and it didn't help. I then tried Trintellix and that didn't help. He put me on Auvelity for 8 weeks and I felt no difference. He is currently having me take a low dose of Geodon along with the Auvelity for the last 4 weeks. So far not much of a difference.
This is where I stand right now. I am still investigating and working with my Psychiatrist as well as my Functional Medicine Practitioner.
I just wanted to know what do you guys think about my test results as it correlates with my symptoms?

Rough description:

• movie is in English, probably Hollywood/USA made
• end of the world/apocalypse movie
• has an element of Christianity in it
• involves sort of alien/human-turned undead
• a guy (protagonist, let's call him Guy, probably ex-soldier) volunteered to lead a group into the domain of the alien/human-turned undead to destroy their base/technologies
• Guy was actually given tickets to leave earth in some sort of space ship but did not go, instead he gave the tickets to the wife and daughter of his friend? The wife was actually about to off herself and her daughter if I recall correctly because the husband, Guy's friend, had been KIA and chance of surviving an Earth getting overrun by alien/the undead is none. Then through their front door's letter box, the tickets were slid in, indicating that they got their second chance
• the group has a few people but I don't remember exactly who but the following:
  • said Guy above, not a Christian,
  • another male character (let's call him Dude) who has a uniform on perhaps also ex-soldier of some sort but fancy uniform not army/camouflage-y type (or I could be wrong)
    • a memorable interaction between Guy and Dude happens where Guy asked Dude what Dude has done with the tickets to board the space ship to leave Earth, Dude just nonchalantly pulls out the tickets from his pocket, doesn't seem bothered or express interest in leaving earth
  • a female priest, hooded, wears a priest robe, badass, good with weapons (let's call her Priest)
  • some other characters, maybe another male priest and some others... I don't remember...

The main action bits are following, I can only remember bits and pieces, I watched it so long ago and English was:

• The group tries to infiltrate? the alien/the undead's base to destroy their base and technology,
• At some point the protagonist, Guy, ran out of ideas of infiltrating, he surrenders himself to the alien/undead as a way of getting inside directly. He was put on a metal bed, lying horizontally, both hands cuffed/chained to the side. He would be sort of operated on in order to turn him into the alien/undead that invades Earth. There are some automated tools to remove his human attributes and such as a lazer that does a scanning action but actually zaps/burns off his hair. Naturally he screams as it zaps. Then there is a point needle machine that tries to poke his face/head. He dodges. It tries again, and another dodge from Guy. Then Guy positions his head on top of one of his chained hands so that as the needle machine pokes him, he dodges, making the machine break the chain on said hand and he freed himself, allowing him to successfully infiltrating the base.
• Guy catches up with the remaining survivors (female Priest and another character) of the group. They are on top of a circular platform, with narrow bridges? from the sides feeding the alien/undead onto the platform. Said female priest and other character die trying to defend the platform while Guy works on the technology that the group tries to destroy or operate somehow that would save humanity.
• Said alien/undead base takes off into space or get destroyed
• Guy survives, lies down, perhaps smokes a cigarette
• Narrator closes the movie by saying something along the line of "humanity has been saved not by a man of God"

Pretty terrible bits and pieces but those are all I can remember. Any assistance from movie lovers would be so awesome! Thanks in advance! Thank you for your time!
Kia pai tō rā!

One of my best friends turned 30 yesterday, and to celebrate she threw a party where all of the guests had to wear lingerie. It was entirely up to the person how much was shown. The birthday girl had her whole ass out and even crotchless panties. Others had nightgowns or even t-shirts with boxers.
I wore a cow themed lingerie bra, short skirt, panties, and knee high socks. I definitely wasn’t as covered up as some but also significantly more covered than others. My husband was dressed as a “butcher” with black boxers, a kitchen apron, and a plastic cleaver. It was a great bit that we both thoroughly discussed and both felt comfortable wearing/seeing each other wear to this party with our close friends.
Overall I had a great time at the party, maybe too much fun, because I was extremely intoxicated by the end of the night. My husband had a few drinks but sobered up by the end of the night to be able to drive home while I kept drinking. It’s probably the first time in our 5 years together that he had seen me so intoxicated in a public setting and I guess wasn’t sure how to treat me or care for me.
The car ride home was interesting, the little I remember of it. We listened to some music and I was flailing myself around to my favorite songs. He told me how great I looked that night and that other people even asked him if they could take me home that night and he said no. I found it interesting that they asked him and not me, but I guess they were just checking with him before coming to me.
We were going to stop for a quick bite to eat when he stopped the car and said okay that’s it I’m taking you home! Confused but not caring much I just said okay and went with it. We got home and went upstairs and I was going to take a shower. But then he grabbed me, tossed me on the bed, and put his face between my legs. I don’t remember feeling much but I do remember laughing and thinking he was just playing. But then he flipped me around and put it in. I remember feeling like I couldn’t ask him to stop but also had moments I was laughing because I genuinely thought it was a joke. Which I guess he thought was me asking for more. I remember not being able to make a cohesive sentence. So I closed my eyes, being in my head, and just told myself to go to a different world where it’s just me and I don’t have to feel what my body is feeling.
I eventually pass out and wake up to him on top of me shaking me awake. He brought me to the guest room to sleep and said he didn’t want to feel like he took advantage of me. He got me some water and then proceeded to argue with me about how others at the party were interested in me and it made him uncomfortable. That it was my fault for flaunting myself around at the party. A lingerie party. Everyone was flaunting! I kept falling back asleep and he’d splash water on my face to wake me up to continue the conversation until he was done.
In the middle of the night he came back in, woke me up, and asked if he could sit next to me and play some games. Me still being intoxicated and exhausted, told him to get out. Now he is mad at me and won’t talk to me this morning. I honestly don’t want to talk to him much today either, because I actually do feel taken advantage of. A line was crossed that I never imagined would be crossed by someone I trusted so much. Not really sure where to go from here.
What would you do in this situation?

Hi, I am probably gonna be all over the place with a timeline due to scatter brain, so I will answer anything if someone has a question. It may be lengthy with unnecessary details. I am looking for opinions/suggestions on what I should do with the current relationship I am in. My (29F) fiancé and I have been on and off again since high school. We first got engaged in April of 2021. While I was not the best SO and father before then I had since devoted all my time and energy to be the best fiancé and father to provide a healthy family for my kids. Throughout our engagement I lived with her in a small townhouse. I worked hard to build my credit and save as much as I could, so that we could apply to rent a bigger house. I always had a feeling she was not being faithful due to us being distant, arguing, and overall in the “roommate” phase. She claimed it was due to the small space we shared. We both aren’t good at communicating our issues. We both stonewall each other usually. I brought up time and time again that we should prioritize our relationship with date nights once a week and initiate more intimacy. She would not let me see who she texts or communicates with on her social medias. She said it was none of my business and that it is okay for her to have guy friends. I knew it was a red flag, but I let it slide, because I agreed that it’s fine if she had guy friends. We began submitting multiple renter’s applications and that made a huge hit to my credit. Ultimately taking it back down to the score I started at. I didn’t mind, because it was what she wanted for her and the kids. Before we moved in and took on more responsibility I had one request for her to show me who she talks to, so I can have my mind at ease. She told me that she was not playing that game, and I could have my ring back. That was in August of 2022. I moved out in September to my own small apartment.
Fast forward to January of this year. We are talking to each other trying to rekindle what we had since we have had time apart. She upgraded phones and let my daughter use her old phone to watch YouTube, and play games. She was showing me pictures she had taken of her pets, and I noticed an inappropriate picture in the camera roll. That led me to go snooping and both phones were synced up allowing me to see pictures and text messages that were active. I saw that she had been cheating on me since we very first got engaged. I confronted her about it. Telling her how the whole time she accused me of being paranoid and immature that I was right about my gut feeling. She gave me a big speech saying she blocked him and it would never happen again. I then catch her messaging him in March. Saying she never blocked him, and that switching phones has been a mess. I asked why and she said she did nothing wrong. That she didn’t pursue anything further with the conversation. She could not provide evidence of that though.
To show she is serious about the idea of our kids and us being a family she decided to put her ring back on. It’s what I’m wanting, but I now get anxiety and overthink everything she does and says. My first thought was that it was an impulsive decision by her. Is there a healthy way to move forward? This has damaged my ego and made me insecure about myself. I’m open minded to any opinions/suggestions.

This is my headcanon for the events following Suzerain as the game played out in my (communist) playthrough:
Disclaimer 1: This obviously includes many spoilers from the game.
Disclaimer 2: This story is written with storytelling and lore at the forefront, not necessarily gameplay accuracy.
Disclaimer 3: This is only the first chapter (and backstory) of this headcanon story/fanfic/whatever you want to call it. I want to write more, but would like to see what people in the Suzerain community think about the writing so far and if they’d like to see more of it. :)
(Part 1 is on my page if you cannot find it elsewhere)

Chapter 1: Inauguration Day (Continuation)

Serge had always been one for praise as long as Anton had known him, but it seemed to be out of sheer admiration and trust, unlike the usual political suck-up. It was definitely appreciated praise, but somewhat uncomfortable in a way, as Anton wasn’t used to such high praise from politicians, and was a little afraid all the compliments would bloat his ego. Though he rarely vocally disagreed with Serge’s remarks, as a president shouldn’t appear doubtful of their abilities. That was one of the many rules Anton had learned to follow as a president. He didn’t like it, yet it had still become almost second nature to him by now, something that also concerned him quite a bit.
“Thank you for your trust in me Serge. It truly means a lot.” Serge smiled through the rear-view mirror once more before replying “Thank you Mr. President for setting such a great example for the people of this nation.” Anton knew it would be impossible to beat Serge in a humility contest, so he conceded with his usual reply “You are too kind, Serge.” Before long they were off, and it didn’t take them as long as they’d thought to get back to the hill of pride, as the traffic had wound down along with the day. As the car headed up the long and winding road that led to the maroon palace through capitol park Anton noticed the palace gates were open and the driveway was filled with journalists, as opposed to the politicians and oligarchs usually present at the previous inauguration events. As Serge entered the car into the driveway, the journalists made way for the car to park next to the small row of black sedans and limos that had brought the rest of the night’s dinner guests to the palace.
Serge quickly stopped the engine and exited the car to open Anton’s door. As he did so, Anton was met with the now familiar camera flashes and the sounds of journalists speaking over each other to the point of near incomprehension. “Mr. President” started a young woman in a sharp azure pantsuit, holding a microphone up to the President’s lips. “There have been a lot of concerns voiced by the opposition after you used the phrase ‘Sordish Revolution’ at your rally. Is the opposition correct that this is an indication of political violence being endorsed by the presidency?” Anton noticed the ‘Lachaven Times’ label on the woman’s microphone before replying to her question. “No. Revolution does not mean violence. Revolution means that this country has problems, and we need radical and rapid change to address those issues.”
“Mr. President, one more question. This revolution outburst, as well as your administration’s close association with communism and United Contana, has brought fear to the hearts of many business owners in Sordland. Do you plan to completely nationalise our nation’s economy, and will business owners be compensated for the loss of the fruits of their labour? Anton briefly chuckled before opening his mouth to reply. Before he could do so however, he saw a hand cover the woman’s microphone. “The President will not be answering any more questions as of now.” Ranye looked left and saw his newly appointed Vice President, Lucian, looking as stern as ever. He took his other hand on Anton’s back, leading him away from the flock of journalists, into the maroon palace.
As they moved inside, there were still a large amount of journalists, although not as many as there were outside. These journalists however, knew better than to try and approach the President, as Lucian’s glare was warning enough. “It’s good to have you here Mr. President. We’ve already set up everything in the dining room upstairs, both for the dinner itself and the televising of the event. Your wife insisted on waiting on you in your office. It would be good for the press to be able to get pictures of you two together, so I would advise you to go get her so you can welcome the dinner guests together.” Anton now noticed his Vice President was wearing a tuxedo, as were many of the male journalists and camera crew. “Knowing you, there is already a tuxedo in my office as well.” Lucian nodded. “Thank you. I’ll go get ready.”
As the President and Vice President separated, it did not take long before Anton found himself in conversation again, while on his way to his office. This time with the director of the Sordish Radio and Television Supreme Council that Anton had founded during his first administration. In fact this was Anton’s first time meeting the director of the council, as Lucian was the one who appointed him. “Mr. President, it’s an honour to meet you. Damien Ves, at your service.” The stocky and wide man grabbed Anton’s hand and shook it. “It’s a pleasure to finally be able to meet with you Mr. Ves. Lucian told me you’d be in charge of today’s broadcast.” Anton began to increase his pace, which Damien attempted to duplicate. “Yes, it's all very exciting. It will be like you’re having dinner with the entire country! This new technology is amazing!”
“Yes, truly amazing. If you’ll excuse me I have to go get ready. It was nice meeting you.” Anton entered his office and closed the door with a sigh. Before being able to look around the room, he was ambushed by a hug from his daughter Deana. “Papa! You’re finally here!” Anton looked down at his daughter, who looked tired from the eventful day. “How did you like the rally sweetheart?” asked Anton as he got down on one knee to be eye-level with Deana. “There were so many people! Mama talked to so many of them. She talked a lot about exploitation. What is exploitation Papa?”
Before Anton could think of how he was going to explain that to his daughter, Monica came up behind her and picked her up. “Alright, let your papa at least get inside properly before you start asking him harder questions than the journalists outside.” Anton followed his wife into the room as she plopped down Deana on the couch. Only then was he able to see how beautiful his wife looked in her elegant scarlet dress. The only thing he could fathom doing was kissing her, and as he did, she pulled away. “Later. Now you have to get ready. It’s nearly seven.” Before going to the bathroom in his office to change, Anton took a last look at his wife as she started doing Deana’s hair. “You look absolutely gorgeous, honey.” Monica gave her husband a warm smile and a wink back as a reply.
Anton entered the office bathroom, where a tuxedo hung from the door on a hanger. It looked old, yet well-maintained. Its white bowtie and waistcoat, coupled with a long tailcoat reminded Anton of the similar suits worn by the wealthiest students during his time at university in the 1920s. As he put on the tuxedo and started adjusting it, he found a note in the left-hand pocket on the tailcoat.
It read “Anton, as you read this, getting ready for the start of your next term, know that the people of Sordland have reaffirmed their trust in you, and it is your duty to not let them down. This suit belonged to my father, and he used it for events just like the one you’re about to go to all the time when he was president. When he fell, Sordland became cursed with two despots, who ignored the cries of the weak. I believe that you have the power to break that curse, as evident by your first term. I believe that you are the only one who might be able to stop this curse now. But only if you keep true to yourself and your ideals, don’t let the world of politics suck you in too much. Don’t forget that you are where you are to serve the people. Not the powerful, but the weak. Good luck my old student and good friend. -Deivid Wisci.”
Anton had very fond memories of his mentor Deivid Wisci, both as his professor, and as his minister of foreign affairs. The day he retired was a sad day for Sordland. Although he definitely deserved a retirement, after all the good he had done, Anton thought to himself. He put the note back in his pocket and adjusted his bowtie for the final time. Before leaving the bathroom however, he remembered to take the pocket watch he was gifted by Serge from the breast-pocket of his usual attire. He placed it in the breast-pocket of his new tailcoat, slicked back his jet black hair, and headed out of the bathroom. “Ready?” Monica and Deana were sitting on the couch patiently waiting. “Yes, let’s go.” Anton reached out his hand to escort Monica out. As she put her hand into his, he kissed her hand before the pair proceeded out of the office along with Deana.
The Rayne family made their way into the maroon palace’s dining room, where the camera crew had already started filming. Anton and his family took their place in the lounge area that decorated the backdrop for the dining table, where the Rayne cabinet slowly started to assemble to be welcomed by Anton and Monica. First was Lucian who, to nobody’s surprise, came alone. He came up to Anton and shook his hand, followed by that of Monica’s, while Deana tried to hide slightly behind her mother. Lucian took his seat in the lounge, making sure to sit as close to Anton as he could.
He was soon followed by the equally lonesome minister of defence, Iosef Lancea. Unlike nearly every man present in the maroon palace however, Iosef came in his regular military attire, as opposed to a tuxedo, or even a regular suit. Although Anton was unsure, he might’ve added a few medals to his uniform for the occasion. He saluted the President and First Lady, to which Anton replied with an adequate, but not nearly as impressive salute. He took his seat next to Lucian, and they started the obligatory small-talk that was expected of them as dinner guests.
At last came the minister of agriculture, Gus Manger, who was accompanied by his wife and son. They walked up to the President’s family, where Gus proceeded to shake Monica’s hand, while his wife greeted Anton. They then switched places, and Anton welcomed Gus and his family to the palace, and to the dinner. Gus then took his seat beside Iosef, promptly followed by his wife and son. Anton didn’t know much about Gus’ family, however his son somewhat reminded him of Franc, albeit a few years younger. The boy didn’t seem that excited to be here, understandably enough. It seemed as though Monica had noticed the same thing, as she faintly pulled on her husband’s arm, gesturing to him to lead everyone to their seats at the table.
As he was about to do just that, the doors to the eastern wing of the room swung open one more time. It was Ciara. She was wearing an off-white dress, surprisingly similar in shade to the bathrobe she’d worn earlier today, though obviously much more classy. Monica gave Anton’s hand a slight squeeze as she noticed her friend. Anton looked towards a smiling Monica, and gave her a grin back. “You managed to get her to rejoin your cabinet?” Anton smiled even wider “It was a hard task, but I think you had a lot to do with it.” Ciara walked up to Monica and shook her hand, bowing slightly as she did it. She turned to Anton and shook his hand, though not with as much vigour as with Monica. “Mr. President.” “Ms. Walda. Welcome.”
When the rest of the guests noticed Ciara, Iosef flung up out of his seat, looking positively resentful. “What is she doing here? Didn’t you resign you-” Lucian quickly got out of his seat and put his hand on Iosef’s shoulder, or at least as far as he could get to the shoulder of the colossal man. Iosef turned his head sharply and scowled at Lucian, prompting him to remove his hand and gesture to Damien, who was behind the camera, making sure our conversation was out of range for the camera to pick up on. Iosef turned to Anton “Mr. President, with all due respect, did you really invite this woman back to your cabinet after her treacherous resignation?!” Anton had noticed the tension between Iosef and Ciara the few times they’d been in the same room together, and it was clear they were good at pressing each other’s buttons, intentionally or not. Iosef must’ve been glad when she resigned. For her to come back unannounced must’ve been seen as a big middle finger to not just Iosef, but Lucian as well, as Anton hadn’t discussed it with him either. But Lucian, unlike Iosef, knew how to act like a politician, and wouldn’t risk his career for a televised outburst.
“Iosef, with all due respect, I am your superior. We need people in our cabinet, and may I remind you that this event is currently being televised.” Anton stared at Iosef in a way he’d never done before. It was actually quite satisfying for Anton to be able to speak to Iosef like that, as he had real experience on how Iosef treated his subordinates from his time in the army. Iosef mumbled something before speaking up “Of course Mr. President. I am sorry.” Anton could actually see Iosef’s eye visibly twitch as he mouthed that last part. “Good, then we’ll be seated. Follow me everyone, right this way.” President Rayne led the dinner guests towards the table, where Deana and Gus’ son were seated first, followed by Ciara, Monica and Gus’ wife, the two latter of whom were seated by their husbands respectively. After which the rest of the cabinet, along with Anton took their seats.
The camera panned to look directly at Anton, who would deliver his post-inauguration speech to the nation. “Brothers and sisters, today has been a great day, not just for myself, not just for the USP, but for our nation. You have reaffirmed your support for me as your President, as a conduit for the will of the people. In doing so you have reaffirmed your trust in our nation, our collective passion to make the lives of others better. Because that is what a nation is. A nation is a band of people who share a home, and who are passionate enough to help each other and push each other forward to greater things. It is a sentiment to collectivism and what we can accomplish when we band together and fight for each other, with compassion and solidarity. That is what we are, we are brothers and sisters. No matter if you are a sord or blud, man or woman, eight or eighty. If you live in Sordland, your neighbours are your brothers and sisters, together you hold this nation on your backs through your trust and your belief that together we can make the world a better place. United we stand, divided we fall. A Morgna wes core, vectern sis da!”
The camera panned away from Anton’s face but continued filming the dining table. Everyone seated applauded Anton’s speech. He raised his wine glass, which had already been filled prior to everyone being seated. “I’d also like to raise a toast. To Bernard Circas. We sit here, on the four year anniversary of the tragic end of his great life. His words moved millions, and continue to move millions more after his death. He inspired love, compassion and hope. He dreamed of a better Sordland, one where we were free of exploitation and united in proletarian solidarity.” There were mixed reactions across the table, but mainly looks of disagreement. Anton continued nonetheless. “Bernard was killed for his beliefs. After a long investigation the main culprits are finally behind bars, but this does not solve the deeper issue. Fascism. The scourge that kept Bernard’s dream from being realised is what killed him, and he will have died in vain if we do not take that threat seriously, and do what we can to rid this country of the fascism that wants to tear it apart. It was only Bernard who would have the words to give us the hope we need, but while he is gone, his spirit remains, and it remains to give us the willpower we need to do what we can to make sure nothing like what happened four years ago ever happens again. To Bernard, our only strength is the will to survive.”
After Anton finished he took a sip of his bitter wine and sat the glass back down, followed by everyone else. Iosef mumbled something again, but as Anton briefly looked towards Damien, it looked like the speech, and following toast, had been a hit with him and the rest of the camera crew. “Well said Mr. President '' said Lucian, before taking another sip of his wine. A moment later, the chef, a tall and lanky young man, came out followed by servers bearing plates of food. “For the first course we have prepared…” The next few hours flew by as Anton was bored senseless by the conversations, or lack thereof, between the “strictly-work-talk” Vice President, traditionalist minister of defence, radical minister of education, and anrican capitalist minister of agriculture. After hours of dull conversation and several courses, all representing a different region of Sordland, the dinner was finally over and the broadcast finished off with a speech from the first lady. Anton felt bad, being too tired to properly listen to Monica’s speech, although it seemed to have a similar effect on the guests as Anton’s speech did. As the applause following her speech died down, the broadcast was shut off, and nearly everyone in the room let out a sigh of relief, including Anton and Monica.
Anton stood up, and was followed by the rest of the table. The presidential couple bid farewell to their guests as nearly everyone left. As Anton, Monica and Deana were getting ready to go change and head home, Anton was approached by Damien who wanted to have a few words before leaving.
“It was a wonderful broadcast Mr. President!” he said with a fake enthusiasm. Damien knew the basics of political intrigue, but had yet to grasp the subtle art of lying convincingly. Anton simply replied “Thank you, Mr. Ves, you did very well yourself managing the production.'' Unlike Damien, Anton bore no attempt to show his lack of interest in the conversation, as he slowly started making his way out of the dining room area of the palace. “Thank you Mr. President, you honour me!.” he nervously paused for few seconds before continuing “Mr. President, would you please consider having a meeting with me later this week.” “Whenever you have the time!” blurted out the nervous, and now slightly sweaty, man. “I’d be glad to have a meeting with you Damien. In fact I was planning on having one with you anyway, to discuss the goals and strategies of the commission going forward.” Anton again started walking a bit faster, trying to get out of the conversations with the hippo-like man. “How does tuesday 9:30 sound?” Damien struggled to keep up with the President, making him sweat even more profusely as he panted out a reply “Wonderful! Great! Thank you Mr.Presdi..Ray..” He stopped for a second to catch his breath “Thank you Mr. President!” he shouted down the hallway as the President hurried back into his office.
“Why do such social events seem to drain me more than dull meetings about infrastructure development?” joked Anton as he walked into his office to greet his wife. “It wasn’t that bad, I had quite the interesting conversation with Ciara and Erica.” Anton looked confused for a moment before Monica elaborated. “Gus’ wife. Erica Manger.” She sat down on the couch next to a half asleep Deana. “Ah! And what did she have to say?” inquired Anton, loosening his bowtie as he said it. “She was surprisingly supportive of our participation in politics, considering she’s from Anrica, like Gus.” Anton sat next to his wife, wrapping his arm around her before answering. “Well not everyone in Anrica is exactly Curtan Leste. You know he’s been losing a lot of support in the city ever since his stunt in Benfi, interrupting your speech like that.” Monica looked out the window to the view of capitol park. “Still, even with the waning influence of the old guard, both him and Gloria Tory have become increasingly popular with the conservatives now that Soll, Graff, Hawker and the like are all in prison. They are still a real threat, now with even more concentrated support.” Anton stood up and walked over to the window, now looking at dusk settling over the park as well. “I know.” he paused for a second. “We still have a lot of work ahead of us.”
The couple stood there for a few minutes in silence, enjoying a peaceful moment together while contemplating the future. After a while, however, they decided they best head home for the day. They went into the office bathroom to get changed again. After doing so, Anton took his sleeping daughter in his arms and the three of them exited the maroon palace. They had stayed there so long that all the journalists had gotten tired of waiting for them and gone home. The courtyard of the palace was all but empty, aside from a few guards, and of course, the Rayne family’s loyal driver. Serge opened the backseat door for the family to get in the car, where they were able to relax for the long drive home in the quiet of the night.
The new Valgslandian presidential car was slowly making its way towards the presidential residence built during the Alphonso presidency. It was a modern home, inspired by the works of some Arcasian architects. While Anton certainly disagreed with Alphonso about a lot, and despised Arcasia, he had to admit it was a pretty nice home. As he sat in the car he dreamt about getting home and being able to jump into bed after such a long day, and from the looks of it, Monica was thinking about the same thing.
They were driving past a newly built secondary school, Circas Secondary, that was built as part of Anton and Ciara’s education program during the first term. Anton’s mind drifted from the architecture of his own home to the architecture of this school, and was suddenly filled with pride, being able to see the material results of his work as president. He was admiring the building’s large gymnasium when suddenly the white walls of the pristine building turned a fiery orange hue, followed by a loud “BANG!”. Before they could comprehend what had happened the car had been flipped on its head and the glass from the windows shattered. Deana immediately woke up in panic and started crying. Anton was able to get to her quickly, and shield her and Monica. They sat there together in the wreck of the car for what felt like minutes, not being able to move out of pure shock, before they heard a series of coughs followed by the voice of their driver “Anton, Monica, Deana. Are you okay?!” Anton managed to muster a response despite his distress. “I think so Serge. How about you?”
As he felt a hand grab him by the collar of his coat, Serge replied “Don’t worry about me, we need to get out of here!” Before Anton could respond he felt his collar tighten around his neck as he was slowly dragged out of the car wreck along with his wife and daughter. When they were all out of the car Anton opened his eyes to find he was lying on the pavement, looking up at Serge who was examining the family for any serious injuries. He then heard the sound of sirens in the distance, and noticed the night looked very bright. He looked to his right and saw the cause of this brightness, the school was on fire. At least what was left of the school. There was rubble everywhere, it had been blown to pieces. He looked back up at Serge, with the starry night sky behind him. Hints of flashing red and blue lights began to appear as Anton’s eyes began to shut and the night became darker. The previously clear voice of his driver became muffled, as he heard cars approaching and the sound of doors being shut. Before passing out, he felt someone lift him up and put his body onto something soft, followed by the sound of doors being shut again.
To be continued.

Hey guys. I am a guy who’s turning 19 soon. I will be entering college shortly. I am fat, not good looking, I’ll rate myself below average, I’m kinda short at 5’7 being a south Asian.
I have a shit ton of problems. For starters, I have 0 friends as of right now, no one whom I can turn to or text in a moments notice if anything were to happen, apart from my parents. Back in school, I used to eat lunch all by myself and usually hanged around doing useless shit on my phone so I wouldn’t be exposed or shamed by others for being the outcast. I have not attended any parties whatsoever, no events or anything like that, no concerts, never even been out with friends till this day. I really yearn the social presence that others seamlessly receive on a daily basis.
While I have made some friends back in high school, these were primarily superficial relationships which I earned only because I used to make a fool out of myself back then, mostly unwillingly, due to my sluggishness and my awkward nature. These people did not really care about me or my feelings and used me to entertain them. My pathetic self was unable to realise this back then. I recall having been physically bullied back then, a “friend” once even told me that the entire group was merely pretending to be nice to me so as to not hurt my feelings, but apart from that they thought that I was a very annoying person.
I have had crushes on multiple girls but being the coward that I am I have never been able to make a move, let alone initiate conversations with any of them. The last time I texted a girl (and pretty much the only time really) was about 4 years ago now. It ended horribly because she was merely showing me some form of platonic human decency which I misinterpreted as a “sign”, being the loser that I am. I couldn’t help but confess to her that I had a crush on her. It ended on a really awful note. I haven’t talked to girls since then.
I have had several more crushes/infatuations with girls after that but those were all one sided as I never mustered the courage to approach any of them. Heck, at this point my self esteem was so diminished and I did not even like my own skin.
Fast forward to now, I really want to change my situation. But it seems really impossible given the difficult nature of situations that I am in. My parents are having issues at home and I seriously need to consider getting a job soon to support them financially as we are pretty broke. Even in college, I would most likely be enrolling in a course full of dudes (STEM). I don’t think I have any luck here on out.
I really want to change this but meh, it seems impossible. Instead of having self pity for myself, I kinda figured that I should accept the fact that I won’t be getting women in a long time, if ever. I have decided that I should only focus on my career and help myself and my family as it’s pretty much the only reason I can think of that warrants my very existence.
Yet, despite all this, my pathetic little brain still refuses to believe that I don’t stand much of a chance, and instead I occasionally find myself turning to “self improvement” and what not to improve my rotten self. Obviously it’s not gonna work but I can’t force my subconscious self to buy into that. Please berate me all you want in the comments so I can quit the whole “game” bullshit and go back to my fucking work.
Lastly, Sorry for making this post and wasting your time.

Let me tell you, growing up with a older beautiful sister who you look like a ogre next to really changes your viewpoint on men. I'm not saying men have a hold on me, or do I care what they think. I know I'll never find anyone, because of this reason.
My sister is in her late 30's, has an amazing husband and just had a daughter and her body went back to what it was before. She's slender, blonde and tan. People are surprised she's my sister, because we are that much different. I don't know what went wrong with me.
My mom says she works hard to get noticed this way, men are notoriously creepy with her. They treat her like a celebrity, and men my age really want her. I've seen men stare and look at their friends in awe, I've seen men point, and men are so much nicer when I'm with her. She gets free stuff, and people always ask about her. People say creepy stuff to her, my dad's friend also said how amazing she looked.
She's got tons of friends and is outgoing, I'm the opposite. She has men that tried to get with her for years, but she considers them friends. Married men, guys in relationships doesn't matter who notices her and compliments her. My ex would STARE at her and smile. She's beautiful, and I know that no men would want me if they can have someone like her. Maybe looks arent everything but when you have someone as pretty as her in your family, it's all about looks.
I was told no man would want me unless he was settling for less, I was told I'd never be approached of she was around and if I was it would be closer to get to my sister. Because men would actually want her and would approach me to get closer to her if she was present. I know how men look at her and me, it's like Scarlett Johansson is standing next to Ursula you would obviously choose Scarlett.
Dating for her was a piece of cake, she got noticed by band mates, NFL players, doctors, skaters... well known names. Less than Jake, the lead singer? She dated him.
I'm overweight, I'm ugly and I have been told I'm ugly. Pretty privilege exists.
My sister wore one of my grandmas dresses to the funeral she looked so beautiful, my great aunt walked up to her telling her how she lit up the room and how everyone noticed her. And she looks over at me knowing we are sisters and smiles. People compliment her through me.
I look like absolute shit, I try to dress nice I try to look good. But it never beats anything she wears, she's actually pretty and I'm not. Like I said, I know I'd never get noticed. I don't get dates, and no I know your worth doesn't depend on guys but it sure as hell would be nice to get noticed sometimes and a man treating you like the only girl in the world. I know I won't find it, I know they'd lose interest after they met her and would tell their friends how I got a beautiful sister and how they wish they had her.
I got awful genes, I got the weight issue. And even if I lost weight I'd still be unattractive. My mom even gets more men than me. It's wild how men treat her too. They come up to me to ask me about her. I have so many stories, but I don't want to think about them. I could go on for hours of what guys have told me about her and friends and family saying how gorgeous she is.
I know if a man was desperate enough, he might want me, but it wouldn't because he thought I was beautiful. I know he'd probably try to flirt with her when I wasn't around or say creepy stuff to her when I wasn't there.

Hey guys, what are some good products for mixing your substrate/soil? I’m using Foxfarm Ocean forest for the soil, Vigoro Perlite (washed off) and DuMOR Chicken Grit (the crushed granite one. Has probiotics but read shouldn’t be much of an issue and can’t seem to find anything else or maybe don’t know where to look Xb) thanks!
Gonna be growing some Pachs, Perus, Bridgessis mostly.
Oh and I live in sub-tropical climate. High humidity high heat. 8a if that affects anything.

https://www.rachaeldickzen.com/blog/2020/6/25/dontloseyourhead
VERSE 1 Grew up in the French Court, Oui, oui, bonjour
I’ve seen people misinterpret this line online as indicating that Anne Boleyn was French. That is NOT the case. Anne was an English woman, the daughter of Thomas Boleyn, a prominent diplomat who served both Henry VIII and his father Henry VII, and his wife Lady Elizabeth Howard (part of the powerful Howard family), but as was fairly common for the time, Anne was sent away from her family to complete her education in the households of various noble families. Those families just happened to be some of the rulers of the Netherlands and France.
Anne was sent to join the household of Margaret of Austria in 1513 (in the low countries, in modern day Belgium), when Anne was either 12 or 6 (Anne’s exact birth year is unknown and there are NUMEROUS debates about which year is more likely - 1501 or 1507). Margaret of Austria was the daughter of Maximilian I, Holy Roman Emperor, and was serving as the governor of the Habsburg Netherlands at the time. Anne’s father Thomas had been sent as an envoy to Margaret the year before and got along so well with her that he managed to secure Anne’s place at the time. Margaret of Austria was highly educated and cultured and her court had a reputation for having an extremely well-stocked library and art collection. Scholars, poets, and artists were constantly around the court. Here, Anne gained a fluency in French, which led to Mary Tudor choosing her for her household in the French Court in 1514.
About a year after she went to Margaret of Austria’s court, Anne was sent to serve Mary Tudor, Henry VIII’s sister, who was marrying the French King, Louis XII. Anne’s sister Mary probably served Mary Tudor as well, but it’s a little unclear how long either of them served her, as many of her English attendants were dismissed the day after the wedding. Less than three months into the marriage, the French king died. Although Mary Tudor went back to England (and scandalously married Charles Brandon, Duke of Suffolk, without Henry VIII’s knowledge or permission), Anne Boleyn stayed on in France and joined the household of the new Queen, the 15-year-old Claude. Queen Claude also loved scholarly manuscripts and art, so her court was full of such beautiful things and exciting people.
By the time Anne was recalled to England in January 1522, she had spent 7-8 years of her life on mainland Europe and almost that long in the French court. She would have been there from ages 12-20 OR ages 6-14. Either way, although she was English born, it’s more than fair to say that she “grew up in the French court.”
“Oui Oui Bonjour” means “yes yes, hello” in French.
Life was a chore so (she set sail), 1522 came straight to the UK - All the British dudes, lame (Epic fail)
Anne Boleyn was summoned back to England in January 1522 by her father to marry her Irish cousin, James Butler, in order to settle a dispute over a title and some land. This marriage fell through for an unknown reason.
At this time, Anne Boleyn’s sister Mary Boleyn was at Henry VII’s court. Historical records indicate that Mary Boleyn was Henry’s mistress, and rumors abound that one or both of Mary’s children were Henry’s, as opposed to her husband William Carey’s, but there’s no definitive evidence on the subject. Anne joined the court at least by March 1522 as a maid of honor to Queen Catherine of Aragon, and quickly became very well known there. She was described as being very intelligent, stylish, and quick-witted. Apparently she had numerous admirers among the men at court, including the poet Sir Thomas Wyatt. Anne actually entered into a secret betrothal with Henry Percy, son of the Earl of Northumberland, but this was broken off when Percy’s father and Cardinal Thomas Wolsey (who was acting as the king’s chief courtier at this time) both refused to support the match.
“The UK” and “British dudes” - Technically the UK (United Kingdom) wasn’t called that until 1800, when Parliament passed an act uniting Great Britain and Ireland as “The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland.” In Anne Boleyn’s time, it was just called England and its inhabitants were only called English, not British (although the Romans called the British Isles Britannia and occasionally referred to the larger island as Great Britain, the name wasn’t widely used to refer to the kingdom on the British Isles until 1707, when the kingdoms of England and Scotland were officially joined into one political union).
Ooh, I wanna dance and sing - Politics, not my thing
Anne was an extremely accomplished dancer, singer, and played numerous musical instruments. However, after Henry put her in a position of power, Anne actually wielded tremendous influence on his policy, particularly as it related to religion. There’s evidence that Anne persuaded Henry to read so called “heretical” pamphlets by Protestant writers about how kings had a responsibility to control the Catholic church and stop its excesses. She also was very influential in granting petitions, receiving diplomats, and was a patron to numerous nobles and artists, including the famed Hans Holbein.
I don’t love this line and some of the others in the musical because of the ditzy way in which Anne is portrayed, which is very different from reality. However, I try to remind myself that she’s just a character, and she isn’t meant to be historically accurate.
Ooo, but then I met the King - And soon my daddy said, you should try and get ahead
It appears that Anne caught Henry VIII’s eye in 1526. Having learned from her sister’s example though, Anne refused to sleep with him or become his mistress. She quickly gained the ability to influence the king.
There isn’t much evidence that her father Thomas Boleyn actually pushed Anne toward her relationship with Henry, but this is a common portrayal of the situation in books, film, and TV shows.
He wanted me, huh, obviously, Messaging me like everyday, Couldn't be better, then he sent me a letter and who am I kidding, I was prêt-à-manger Ooh, sent a reply, Ooh, just saying hi, Ooh, you're a nice guy, I'll think about it maybe, XO baby
Henry VIII wrote Anne many love letters which still exist today. You can read them here. These letters give us most of the information we have about their relationship, including the fact that Anne refused to sleep with him for much of their seven-year courtship.
Unfortunately, we don’t have Anne’s replies to Henry, but evidence indicates that she really did avoid his advances for a long time and
Prêt-à-manger literally means “ready to eat” in French.
Here we go (You sent him kisses), I didn't know I would move in with his missus (What?), Get a life (You're living with his wife?), Like, what was I meant to do?
As I noted previously in the blog post on No Way, Anne Boleyn was already living in the same palace as Henry and Catherine even before Henry noticed her. Anne was Catherine’s maid of honor, and thus, lived at court along with many many other nobles and aristocrats. However, in December 1528, Henry set Anne up with her own “very fine lodging…close to his own,” as reported by a French diplomat of the time, and there are lots of reports that she basically had her own shadow court and was acting as a second queen at that time.
“What was I meant to do?” has a slightly humorous effect in this song, but it reflects the reality that Anne Boleyn really didn’t have many choices here. She was able to resist Henry’s sexual advances, but she couldn’t fend him off altogether because he was the king, and her livelihood and the rest of her family’s livelihoods really depended on his favor. She tried to make the best of the situation by refusing to sleep with him and insisting that he marry her, but she didn’t have much control over it beyond that.
CHORUS Sorry not sorry 'bout what I said - I'm just tryna have some fun
In an interview with the Chicago Shakespeare Theater, co-writer Lucy Moss said that “Sorry, not sorry” was directly inspired by one of Anne Boleyn’s mottoes in life - “Let them grumble; that is how it’s going to be.” Anne very briefly adopted the Latin version of this motto in 1530, “Aisi sera groigne qui groigne.” She even had this motto embroidered on her servants’ livery coats! This demonstrates Anne’s feelings about those protesting her elevation and the king’s attempts to get rid of Catherine of Aragon. She didn’t end up using it very long - the imperial ambassador Eustace Chapuys, who /hated/ Anne, claimed that she changed it once she realized it was actually Margaret of Austria’s motto (Groigne qui groigne et, vive Bourgoigne). However, Anne spent several years at the court of Margaret of Austria as a child, so it seems unlikely that she wouldn’t have realized this. Another possible explanation is that she just realized the motto wasn’t doing anything to calm the tensions.
Don't worry, don't worry, don't lose your head I didn't mean to hurt anyone - LOL, say oh well - Or go to hell I'm sorry not sorry 'bout what I said - Don't lose your head
“Don’t lose your head” is a common colloquialism meaning “don’t lose your temper.” I tried to figure out where this saying came from and how old it is, but didn’t have much success. Some people do say that it actually originally specifically was referring to executions by beheading, so it works very well in this context.
The lyric obviously refers to Anne’s ultimate demise, but it also refers to Anne Boleyn’s infamous temper. Anne was brilliant, but it’s well documented that when angry, she often said spiteful, threatening things. One courtier said that she spoke to her uncle once in words that "shouldn't be used to a dog." It’s also reported that she said if Henry ever left her as Regent when he was away, she would have Princess Mary killed.
VERSE 2 Three in the bed and the little one said, If you wanna be wed, make up your mind Her or me, chum - Don't wanna be some Girl in a threesome, Are you blind?
Reports from the time indicated that Anne and Henry had a very stormy relationship and had a tendency to have huge arguments and then later would reunite blissfully. One report described their relationship as “storm followed sunshine, sunshine followed storm.” We also know from Henry’s love letters that Anne refused to sleep with him for most of their pre-marital relationship, so there’s definitely a lot of truth to the fact that Anne demanded things from Henry that really no other woman ever had.
“Three in the bed and the little one said” - refers to the nursery rhyme “Ten in the Bed,” which has an unknown origin.
Ooh, don't be bitter, Ooh, 'cause I'm fitter Ooh, why hasn't it hit her? He doesn't want to bang you, Somebody hang you
“Somebody hang you” is both modern day slang for telling someone to kind of fuck off and also refers to an incident in 1531, before Anne was queen. Anne “said to one of the Queen’s ladies that she wished all the Spaniards in the world were in the sea; and on the other replying, that, for the honor of the Queen, she should not say so, she said that she did not care anything for the Queen, and would rather see her hanged than acknowledge her as her mistress.”
Here we go - (Your comment went viral) I didn't really mean it but rumours spiral (Wow Anne, way to make the country hate you) Mate, what was I meant to do?
Anne really was pretty unpopular at the time. The English people really loved Catherine of Aragon; she had been their queen since 1509 and had seen the country through many tough times, including serving as regent while Henry was away at war and publicly begging for the King’s mercy for various subjects on several occasions. Records indicate that crowds shouted out encouragement to Catherine of Aragon whenever they saw her during the king’s “Great Matter.”
In addition, the entire concept that a man could set aside his wife really scared women, as it was an attack on traditional family values and a threat to their own security. At the time, women depended entirely on their husbands. If their husbands could set them aside, they would be ruined and destitute. In November 1531, a mob of women (supposedly 7,000-8,000) actually went after Anne while she was dining at a house on a river; she only narrowly escaped them by crossing the river in a boat. This wasn’t the last riot of women against Anne Boleyn either; another one happened in 1532.
Finally, apart from the common people’s general dislike of her, plenty of nobles hated her as well, as she had a temper and a sharp tongue and was known for being rather arrogant. She also played a large role in influencing Henry VIII and was very active in her support of or opposition to various policies.
VERSE 3 Tried to elope, But the pope said nope, Our only hope was Henry He got a promotion, Caused a commotion, Set in motion the C of E The rules were so outdated, Us two wanted to get x-rated Soon, ex-communicated, Everybody chill, its totes God's will
“Tried to elope but the pope said nope” - Henry started asking Pope Clement VII for a dispensation to annul his marriage to Catherine of Aragon and marry Anne Boleyn starting around 1527. They likely thought this would be pretty easy, as there was precedent for royals getting annulments and marrying again. However, Catherine of Aragon just happened to be the aunt of the Holy Roman Emperor Charles V, who sacked Rome in May 1527 and took the Pope prisoner. However, even after the Pope was released, he avoided issuing any sort of official ruling on Henry VIII’s petition. He did allow for Cardinal Wolsey (of England, and then Henry’s chief courtier) to hold an ecclesiastical court on the matter, but stipulated that another papal legate had to be there as well. This legate, Cardinal Lorenzo Campeggio, had been instructed to delay things as long as possible, as the Pope was hoping that Henry would get sick of Anne and the issue would go away. Although the court case lasted from May 31, 1529 to July, Campeggio adjourned it for a summer recess. The court never met again. Wolsey was later arrested and likely would have been convicted and executed for treason if he hadn’t died from illness beforehand. Henry eventually left Catherine of Aragon completely, riding away one day without saying goodbye and having her moved to another household.
Henry and Anne married secretly in November 1532. She quickly became pregnant. The new Archbishop of Canterbury Thomas Cranmer (formerly Anne’s family chaplain) declared Henry’s marriage to Catherine of Aragon null and void in May 1533, and shortly thereafter, declared Henry and Anne’s marriage to be good and valid.
“He got a promotion, Caused a commotion, Set in motion the C of E” In 1533, the English House of Commons (with encouragement from Henry) forbade all appeals to Rome and penalized those who tried to introduce papal bulls into England. This set up the modern Church of England, separate from Rome and the Pope’s influence. After this, Pope Clement VII finally acted, condemning Henry’s marriage to Anne, declaring the marriage to Catherine legal, and ordering Henry to return to Catherine in March 1534. The Pope also announced a provisional sentence of excommunication against Henry VIII and Thomas Cranmer. However,his excommunication wouldn’t be formally enacted until 1538, after Henry and his courtiers dissolved the monasteries in England, dismantled several of the shrines, and executed a ton of Catholic rebels involved in the Pilgrimage of Grace.
In late 1534, Parliament declared Henry the supreme head of the Church of England.
“The rules were so outdated” probably refers to Henry not being able to annul his marriage to his first wife.
At this break, a section of Felix Mendelssohn’s Wedding March from A Midsummer Night’s Dream plays. This song was written in 1842 and is one of the most frequently used wedding marches.
Henry's out every night on the town, Just sleeping around, like what the hell
Keep in mind, before Henry got with Anne, he slept with her sister Mary enough that LOTS of people believed that Mary’s children were his. That’s gotta make you paranoid. And he already had an acknowledged illegitimate child with another noblewoman, Bessie Blount.
Henry started taking mistresses during Anne’s first pregnancy (couples at the time generally abstained from sex during pregnancy to avoid hurting the child). was almost certainly sleeping with Anne’s first cousin Margaret Shelton, who served as one of her maids of honor, for around six months in 1535. Finally, starting in February 1536, reports came out that Henry was super interested in another of Anne’s maids-of-honor, Jane Seymour. We all know how that turned out. Henry reportedly gave Jane a locket with a miniature portrait of himself inside; Anne ripped it off her neck when she saw it. Henry was betrothed to Jane a day after Anne’s execution in May 1536 and married her less than two weeks after the execution.
If that's how it's gonna be, Maybe I'll flirt with a guy or three, Just to make him jell
/sigh/ This is a vast oversimplification of the entire situation at hand, but yes, Anne was known for being flirtatious and charming throughout her time at the English Court in the tradition of courtly love. However, she was specifically accused of adultery with one of her musicians Mark Smeaton, courtiers Sir Henry Norris, Sir Francis Weston, and Sir William Brereton, and her own brother George Boleyn. Most historians believe that these charges and the evidence to support them were made up by Thomas Cromwell, a powerful courtier, in order to bring down Anne. Anne had argued with Cromwell over the redistribution of church revenues from the dissolution of the monasteries (Anne wanted the revenues distributed to charitable and educational institutions, Cromwell wanted to give it to the king and take his own cut as well) and foreign policy (they disagreed over whether to ally with France or the Holy Roman Empire).
Henry finds out and he goes mental, He screams and shouts, Like so judgmental, You dam-ned witch Mate, just shut up, I wouldn't be such a b- If you could get it up Here we go (Is that what you said?), And now he's going 'round like off with her head (No)
There’s a report of one argument between Henry and Anne after the investigation against her began, but most evidence seems to indicate that Henry just left a tournament one day and never spoke to Anne again. She was arrested soon after, taken to the Tower of London, and tried and convicted of adultery, incest, and high treason. However, Henry and Anne had definitely had some serious arguments before Anne was brought down. There are numerous reports of them fighting and shouting at each other.
“you damned witch” - It’s pretty common to hear that Anne Boleyn was a witch or engaged in witchcraft in some way now, but this wasn’t a real charge at the time. However, in later years, various people spread the rumor. One Catholic writer Nicholas Sander described Anne Boleyn as having six fingers on her right hand and having a projecting tooth (but he said this in 1585, so like - how would he know?). He also alleged that she miscarried a monstrously deformed child. None of Anne’s contemporaries actually mention her having an extra finger, projecting tooth, or deformed child- and considering how much they hated her, wouldn’t they have mentioned it at the time if she did?
“wouldn’t be such a b- if you could get it up” - As I noted before in the post on Wives, there’s no historical evidence about Henry’s abilities in bed to support this line. However, this may refer to one of the grounds for the annulment of his marriage to Anna of Cleves later in his life, as Henry claimed he could not consummate the marriage with Anna. It also just seems to further demonstrate Anne’s known habit of saying things in anger that she regretted later.

I’ve been friends with this person since we were in 5th grade and I consider her a close friend. Today she kicked me out of her wedding party. She has two other bridesmaids, her sister and her fiance’s brother’s girlfriend who has been studying in a different province and hasn’t been here for one single event. I haven’t even met her. Does she even exist?
Just for some reference I’ve been a bridesmaid once before. I was fourteen and it was for my cousin’s wedding. I wasn’t a junior bridesmaid from what my mom told me today, I just had less responsibility.
I know I could have done things differently looking back on it but if if I was doing something wrong or not up to standard I think the reasonable thing to do would be to let me know so I can fix it.
She asked me to be a bridesmaid last may. She did not mention a Hindu wedding at the time so I just assumed it would be one ceremony (her fiance is white). She eventually said it to my boyfriend and I three months ago in passing and said we were both invited. But nothing was ever blatantly said to me about it.
We went for our dress fitting in January and ordered them. But then, about a month ago she decided she wanted us in traditional saree’s for the Hindu wedding. I was pretty taken aback by this as she made no mention of it up until a month ago. I told her it wasn’t in my budget and she said she was okay with that and that I could wear the one bridesmaid dress I bought. If she wasn’t okay with this we could have figured something out - rental? Maybe borrow one from someone? I just didn’t wanna pay for one, I’m fresh out of uni and I’m just starting my career and I have bills to pay. I didn’t know about a 2nd outfit for MONTHS. If it was told to me ahead of time I could and would have planned accordingly!
I think this part is specific to Canada: we have these big social events to raise money for the wedding. They’re a tradition here, it’s basically just dancing, drinks, food, and a raffle. You usually rent out a hall and everything. I was having trouble selling tickets to this thing because all my close friends all had a falling out with the bride (she’s pretty difficult to get along with and always has been). So I wasn’t able to find anyone to go until eventually I got my parents and some of my parents friends to come. Weeks before this she kept asking me for the ticket money and I had to keep telling her over and over that I didn’t have it just yet but i’d get it to her.
THEN the night of the party happened and I told her a few days earlier I would probably be late because I was working a full shift that day and wouldn’t get home till 7. Guests would start arriving at 8. 8pm hits and I’m on my way and she calls me and I’m letting her know again that I worked and that I’d be a little late. But I came, I did my jobs that I was supposed to do while there, then I helped clean up at the end. And then she gave my boyfriend and I the okay to leave. SHE SAID WE COULD GO AND SAID “yup you guys did great tonight, thanks for all your help!”
Then today, she dropped the bomb on me that she didn’t want me in her wedding party anymore and that she’d rather me come as a guest. I didn’t understand what I did wrong. I kept telling her if she needed help I would help. She never asked me for anything and all of the bridesmaid and wedding party group chats are dead. No one is talking in them. She didn’t give me any explanation when she told me. NONE. We were out for brunch and she said it to me after the food came out so we sat there in silence until she asked for the bill.
Also before she expressed to me that she was upset that her wedding party was so small, so I must have messed up royally if she kicked me out when she was already upset about that.
Should I still go to the wedding?

Pretty bored and would like to hangout with someone worth my while. Coffee/snacks on me of youre a great catch.
About me: - Manly guy (very discreet) - 5'6", fit, very sporty (plays basketball, Taekwondo and Muay Thai) - Nerdy (wears specs), very neat looking and mabango - Big 3 grad if that matters. Sensible and can engage you in interesting convos - Drives - I think im pretty successful din in my career so if trip nyo din pagusapan ang work or get some career tips/advice I'm your man - I think Im very type A and kind of an alpha male in my social circles, but im quite submissive in relationships.
You: - Manly and very discreet too - Fit and taller than me pls (strict preference) - Top and dominant - Sensible and also into interesting conversations - Preferably somewhere around (or can travel to) QC or Mandaluyong. - Good hygiene (especially oral hygiene pls lol) - 30 yrs old below
Message me with your TG to make things faster.. Note of the preferences so we dont waste time. 🙂

Hello there, fellow gamers. A while back I hooked up with a new group near the town I live in. The group of people have been friends for quite a long time. They are in the middle of a mid/high level campaign (11-13) focused mostly on underground settings. I was asked to bring a ranged damage dealer. Now, I was not read up on 3.5 and hadn't been for quite some time, so I asked if it would be okay if I brought a PF character. Permission was granted and I made a stock ranger of that level in hero lab and kept items only to pf items. Week one goes by and I do the types of things a tween level ranger does plinking away at 15-20 pts a shot(x3 regularly, x4 against low ac foes) with more occurring against favored enemies. I was told afterwards that PF characters are too strong(I know, right.) They get too many feats and that I needed to make another 3.5 character.
Character two is a kobold sorc/incant. Had a few weeks to read back up on the mess that 3.5 is and tried to keep it simple. Session two happens. He does the typical things a sorc blaster does with orbs of force and metamagic shenanigans. Damage ranged from 45 to 120 with regularity. I kinda get the same eyeroll from the GM and the 'lead player.' I get a few sideways remarks tossed at my direction stating that casters are why high levels aren't fun.
One thing I noticed throughout the two sessions is that the characters are fairly high concept types(spider guy, multiclass characters, a batman type with tools for everything etc), but the campaign has almost no roleplaying in it.
A sample round of combat starting at a dozen or so hexes away: My guy goes first and blasts bad guy. Spider guy summons squishy spiders to clog up battlefield. Hybrid caster(dread necro I think) changes crystal in bow to take advantage of vulnerabilities. Warblade moves up and bonks for 30ish damage. Favored soul melee moves undead and himself up. The next round I blast and take down one of the big Bads. After that, 19 total attack rolls were attempted and 75 pts of damage were done to another big Bad. The GM crafts these encounters based on the fact that the party is high concept but low in function (I suppose another way of saying unoptimized or trying to be okay at everything and not specializing.)
So, here is my dilemma. I mostly enjoy playing with the group. I am not a competitive person, and I am not trying to win DnD. I don't want to take shine away from anyone. But in a low roleplay campaign, the last thing I want to do is slog through 2-hour encounters. Am I just a bad fit for this group? Do you think it just isn't worth the heartburn? Do you think there is anything I can do to salvage the situation? The GM and Lead Player haven't been very receptive to advice or feedback to this point.

Hate Speech is Protected under the First Amendment of the US Constitution.
Wikipedia states" While "hate speech" is not a legal term in the United States, the U.S. Supreme Court has repeatedly ruled that most of what would qualify as hate speech in other western countries is legally protected speech under the First Amendment. In a Supreme Court case on the issue, Matal v. Tam (2017), the justices unanimously reaffirmed that there is effectively no "hate speech" exception to the free speech rights protected by the First Amendment and that the U.S. government may not discriminate against speech on the basis of the speaker's viewpoint.[2]"
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hate\_speech\_in\_the\_United\_States#:\~:text=While%20%22hate%20speech%22%20is%20not,on%20the%20issue%2C%20Matal%20v.
https://thehill.com/opinion/judiciary/3873943-yes-hate-speech-is-constitutionally-protected/
https://www.studentconduct.dso.iastate.edu/know-the-code-resources/resources-for-students/harassment-and-free-speech/free-speech
https://freespeech.uiowa.edu/frequently-asked-questions
The ACLU webstite states, "The ACLU has often been at the center of controversy for defending the free speech rights of groups that spew hate, such as the Ku Klux Klan and the Nazis. But if only popular ideas were protected, we wouldn't need a First Amendment. History teaches that the first target of government repression is never the last. If we do not come to the defense of the free speech rights of the most unpopular among us, even if their views are antithetical to the very freedom the First Amendment stands for, then no one's liberty will be secure. In that sense, all First Amendment rights are "indivisible."
Censoring so-called hate speech also runs counter to the long-term interests of the most frequent victims of hate: . . . . As one federal judge has put it, tolerating hateful speech is "the best protection we have against any Nazi-type regime in this country."
https://www.aclu.org/othefreedom-expression-aclu-position-paper
"At the end of the day, that’s why we believe the First Amendment has to protect everyone — and why we remain committed to defending even the rights of those with whom we disagree." https://www.aclu.org/news/civil-liberties/defending-speech-we-hate
https://www.aclu-wy.org/en/issues/freespeech
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/First\_Amendment\_to\_the\_United\_States\_Constitution
Today, seems to be that one person's freedom fighter is another person's hate speech. I think this is relevant to the middle east conflict where both Muslims and Jews accuse eachother of hate speech (separate from hate crimes).
In addition, I have noticed that social media is not protecting first amendment rights of freedom of speech. When someone considers something distasteful, the piece is takedown.
If you go on stage at a concert and wear only underwear when singing to the crowd, I am going to call you trash. If you go on the Streets of Time Square, and wear only underwear while soliciting money for taking pictures with you, I am going to call you trash. So, is calling someone trash, hate speech or is that distasteful or is that construtive crticism? Is saying someone is white trash considered hate speech or is that distasteful? What about calling them "[ ]" "trash." Is that considered hate speech or distasteful?
What I am noticing is that legitmate concerns against groups and indvididuals are being labeled as hate speech and being taken down.
Are we going to takedown posts accusing groups of failing academically? Is math racist? How about for posts demanding criminal enforcement of drug trafficking, or enforcing immigration laws. Is deporting illegal aliens (or demanding the deportation of illegal aliens), most of whom are entering from the southern border of USA and are of a specific same race/ethincity/language, is that considered hate speech/ hate crime? Are we going to take down the post for criticizing sanctuary cities and those violating federal immigration laws? Is accusing certain categories of people for using goverment assistance (WIC (women infant children) TANF (temporary assistance needy families), Food Stamps (Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program), etc) going to be labeled as hate speech? What if one group of individuals are using WIC two or three folds greater than another group of people? What about high school achievement (completion)? Is crticizing one category of individuals for having a 60% high school completion rate attainment, and praising another category of people for having a 88-90% high school completion is that hate speech? Is demanding that Affirmative Action be eliminated considered hate speech? If I am accusing DEI (Diversity Equity Inclusion) of being discriminatory to a merit based (non race based) system and accusing DEI of being reverse racism-- is that hate speech? Is practicing a religion (Judaism, Christianity, Islam), is that promoting hate speech?
Perhaps I can write a more thoughtful piece.
If you cannot criticize, you are not going to be able to teach, and if you cannot accept criticism, you might not be able to learn from mistakes. I think we should allow greater criticism (even if considered distasteful or hateful), so long as that can be justified based on emperical data.

TLDR
I'm theorycrafting an Ascendant Shockwave Totem character and don't know how to get a decent amount of damage (let's say 30M), while retaining high levels of tankyness and mobility. Any help or suggestions are welcome.
Unoptimized pob: (https://pobb.in/Umb_ejeWMFcS)
 
Background
I like to play allrounders. What I mean by that is that I like to play a build that I can scale up to do all content somewhat comfortably. Speedclearing maps in less than a minute or deleting bosses in 3 seconds doesn't particularly interest me, but I like to be able to do 98% of map mods comfortably, be able to kill ubers with maybe 1 or 2 deaths, and generally just play most/all the content that the game has to offer.
I've played a few characters this league (Boneshatter, Artillery Ballista, Kinetic Blast, Boneshatter again, self-cast Blazing Salvo), and came to the conclusion that totems (and possibly mines, from previous experience) is essentially the only way I can play the game. Allow me to explain, using the builds I played this league as examples (pasted in the comments as it's quite a long story).
 
Requirements
Thus, my requirements are as follows. - Must use a totem playstyle - High movement speed (140%+, preferably not shield charge) - Solid defense (effective hit pool of 50k+) - Decent damage (30M+)
To solve movement speed, I see 3 options: Pathfinder, Mageblood, or Ascendant Pathfinder. At the same time, these 3 options are also some of the best ways to achieve the level of defense that I'm looking for (Progenesis, magic Elemental Flasks, Quicksilver Flask).
The main issue is damage. I think Toxic Rain pathfinder is the most well-known build that fulfills all of these requirements, as it has tankyness, speed, sustain, and can reach regular DoT cap with high investment. There are some other Pathfinder builds that use attack totems for poison (Scourge Arrow or Tornado Shot with a Darkscorn), but from what I can see those are not stronger than Toxic Rain. But let's imagine that Toxic Rain doesn't exist.
 
The idea
In comes my idea of Shockwave totem Ascendant. Ascendant can achieve perma (unique) flasks (Progenesis, Taste of Hate, Quicksilver, etc.) for speed and defense, has +1 Totem from Hierophant and Totem Leech from Chieftain.
Shockwave Totem is a skill that, from what I've heard, can be scaled into endgame damage very effectively. Additionally, I believe the playstyle suits mine very nicely with Astral Projector, and I'm a big fan of the idea of instant leech from my totems.
Combining these ideas, I've come up with the following (unoptimized) pob: (https://pobb.in/UEBFTKxzMNv8)
 
The problem
As it stands, I've focused very hard on defense, which has resulted in a build that does a quite pathetic 8M dps with everything up. And that is assuming I max my alternate ailments on Uber content, which I definitely don't. Realistically we're talking more like 5M dps. My main question is:
How can I get my damage to reasonable levels, without losing much defense?
I don't have much experience with Shockwave Totem scaling, and all of the guys that I've seen on poe.ninja are basically full glass cannons with an effective hit pool of 10k, especially if you look at the previous league (Sanctum).
 
Additional considerations
There's a few additional problems to solve / choices to make in this build, and I'd love to have anyone's input.
Leadership's Price (+ Devouring Diadem) versus Heatshiver

• Leaderships's Price allows for alternate ailments, which makes capping crit much easier, is strong defensively (Sapped), and allows for damage from all elements to work effectively (due to Scorch + Elemental Weakness), making gems such as Awakened Added Fire Damage a strong choice.
  
• Heatshiver however, is a classic because of its massive damage boost for freeze builds. Unfortunately it takes up the helmet slot, which means you lose Devouring Diadem, and capping crit will be more challenging.
  

Skill cost
Auras are very effective so most mana will always be reserved. There's a few options to deal with skill cost:

• Enduring Mana flask, with a little (15%?) unreserved Mana. Takes up a flask slot, which is extremely valuable.
  
• Reducing the cost through a magic flask suffix, Inspiration, and the Life Mastery that makes 30% of skill Mana cost a Life cost instead. The issue with this is that Ascendant Hierophant has an 8% MoM effect, which means that if you're affect by degen effects, your mana will stay at 0 for a while. This means you can't cast movement abilities, curses, guard skills, etc.
  
• Standard Eldritch Battery setup. Either on the tree or through Devouring Diadem; unfortunately, the 8% MoM will again be a problem, as it stops the natural energy shield recharge from occuring. Some investment into Energy Shield recovery will be required.
  
• Eldritch Battery setup with MoM. Maybe it's an idea to go with the 8% MoM instead of against it, take the real MoM on the tree, and invest more heavily into Energy Shield not just as a method of dealing with Mana costs, but also to increase the EHP pool of the build. Heavy Energy shield recovery required.
  

Recovery
Life recovery is handled nicely by leech (10% instant), a bit of recoup on a ring/jewel/passive tree, and perhaps some regeneration from the tree / gear / a flask suffix. The issue is Energy Shield recovery. I don't know of a way to keep strong life recovery, and have strong energy shield recovery at the same time. Options are:

• Zealot's Oath to convert Life Regen to Energy Shield regen. Losing the Life Regen means the build's weakness against dots is exacerbated. Generally speaking this might not be an issue due to leech handling life recovery, but if there is no enemy to hit such as during Exarch ball phases or Eater drain phase you're left without recovery, and will probably always die. Also no leech maps are impossible.
  
• Ghost Reaver to convert the Life leech to Energy Shield leech. However, then most of the build's life sustain is lost. This might be compensated by stacking as much Life regeneration as possible or ...
  
• Stun jewels (Immutable Force + Bloodnotch) can take care of Life recovery vs hits very well, but do not protect against dots at all.
  

Passive Tree
The tree is quite spread out, due to needing flask nodes, totem nodes, crit nodes, suppression, life, and reservation. Also a bare minimum of 2 medium cluster jewel setups are required (totems + flasks). Some questions:

• Is it worth to invest in the ranger side of the tree? There is suppression there, and flask nodes (Natural Remedies is very strong), as well as Charisma and a Cold Cluster (the Mastery is very valuable).
  
• Is it better to path more in the witch direction, and take some more templar nodes? I'm thinking Power Charges, Divine Judgement, recoup nodes, etc. However, without the ranger side, how do I get enough suppression?
  
• How do these options compare to the Scion area, with lots of life available, and potentially some Unnatural Instinct setup?
  

 
Conclusion / TLDR 2
I can't help but feel like there is potential in a character like this, but I can't seem to get it out in pob. This might just be a case of me wanting a build to do literally everything, which means it ends up doing nothing. There's probably a reason nobody plays Shockwave Totem Ascendant after all.
I'd love to have input on some of the things I'm discussing here, or any suggestions for a different kind of totem build that also meets my requirements.
Unoptimized pob: (https://pobb.in/Umb_ejeWMFcS)

i have OCD and up until maybe a year ago, i didn't consider that i could have autism. i've never brought it up with a therapist. i'm also not positive as i know a lot of anxiety disorders can overlap regarding symptoms. i can list some of the things i experience below.
-aversion to certain textures (some foods, textures similar to the garage floor give me chills to think about, anything powdery or dry like chalk) -social awkwardness, not knowing how to make small talk or respond to others -saying the wrong things in response to people, saying things that hurt peoples feelings without thinking anything of it until after they tell me -avoiding eye contact -not being able to detect sarcasm at times (sometimes i can, many times i cant) -i don't think i have "special interests" now to the degree i used to. however, i used to (for years) be absolutely obsessed with rollercoasters, i knew every fact and commented on every youtube video, i wrote down facts about lift hill heights and drops/inversions/manufacturers, EVERYTHING. if i got talking about it i would go on forever. i did the same with artists i liked, keeping notebooks for them all. -doing pattern/grouping related things constantly. for example, in my yearbooks, i would go through every person and group them by counting off every other person into group 1 or group 2. i would also count everyone i'd heard of and give each person a value of $1000 and add up each class to see who won. (and many other things like that) -overstimulation (too many people talking, loud noises happening all at once, feeling the seams inside my socks) -missing social cues (like pointing at people for innocent reasons to point something out, not realizing it's rude or that they'd see me in the moment) -cant show my emotions well with most people when doing things like opening gifts -changing my voice depending on which parent i'm around (i don't think this is related???)
there are probably others, but i wanted to know from you guys if you think this is worth bringing up once i get into therapy again soon? thanks!!

Introduction

I started learning Japanese on March 22 2023. At the time of writing, It has been about 70-80 days since. Currently I would place myself at N3 level. I became very inspired to study Japanese after (a) visiting Niseko (Hokkaido) and (b) reading a post on Reddit about someone who claims to pass N1 from zero in 8.5 months.
The purpose of this post is to offer (a) alternative perspectives to learning Japanese, (b) prove that it is possible to learn quickly, (c) challenge some of the existing recommendations. This post is part one out of eight articles detailing my journey to N1 from zero in 8 months. Disclaimer, this post will be very long and ranty!
This post will cover some of the study techniques and experiments I’ve conducted for the first month, as well as the results of my experimentation and insights. As for the elephant in the room, I’m currently studying N3 after 60+ days into my Japanese learning journey. I’m sure many are skeptical or might presume that I have bad mastery of N5 and N4 content, but by the end of the post, I’m confident that I would have responded to them.

Prior Knowledge

I started watching anime since Naruto. I think that was 15 years ago. I’m not particularly obsessed with Japanese culture but I do follow the mainstream anime like Bleach, Tokyo Ghoul, My Hero Academia, Attack on Titan, and most recently Demon Slayer. So I do possess 15 years of acclimatising to the sound of Japanese anime speech. However my Vocab is very limited. I know how to count from 1-99, konnichiwa and itadakemasu, and a couple more words that I might remember if I was prompted. I also know the hand signs from Naruto. Apart from that, I consider myself truly zero in Japanese knowledge.

While your brain can only hold 7-9 items in the short term memory at once, it does not mean you cannot study more than 9 items in a day.

I see most people on Reddit recommending 15-20 new cards on Anki. Personally I think this pace is way too slow, especially for the beginner. Most typical N5 vocab deck would have about 600-700 cards. 15cards/day means that it would take 40-50 days just to see all the cards. I also came across a study that says our short term brain cannot store more than 9 items at a time. This would seem to support support the recommendation of 15-20 vocabulary cards a day. While reading Moonwalking with Einstein, a book on the capabilities of the human memory, I read about a story of a guy who could draw the landscape of New York with shocking precision after flying pass the city on a helicopter once. The book also hinted at the idea that we possess some form of photographic memory.
And so, i tried to do about 50-100 new cards a day. Within 10 days, I’ve seen all the N5 Vocab. Around day 15 or so, i became concerned that cramming so many words in a day would mean that the retention rate will be low. So I tested myself on those 700 words and I think I got about 85% correct.
Personally i was very happy with that score. I thought I could do a lot worse. So clearly, trying to learn 100 new cards a day wasn’t detrimental to retention rate (I will address my thoughts on burnout on a later point). What is happening?
My hypothesis is that while we can’t store more 6-9 items in our short term memory, it doesn’t mean that when we study our 10th,11th, 20th or 100th item, our brain would completely reject the input. You are still imprinting something onto the brain. What this means is that while you should not expect to see a word once and remember it forever, it says nothing about the upper limit of how many words you can simultaneously start on the first stage of the SRS system. We all know that SRS takes time to turn short term memory into long term memory. It could take weeks or a few months. But if we can start 100 words on the SRS system vs 15-20 words, and there is no significant cost to doing more words, then starting 100 new cards a day will bring us to our destination much faster.

Self-fulfilling prophecy

When you read about many people agreeing that 15-20 new Anki card a day is a good pace, or that it takes 300-500 hours to pass N5, then it sets the expectation of what is normal. The reason I was able to Master N5 in approximately 150-200 hours and learn all its vocab a couple of weeks is because I did not pay attention to what other people can achieve.

How I use Anki

From my survey on Reddit, it seems that people get overwhelm by the amount of reviews on Anki. And I think this reveals that the are doing reviews differently from how I do it.
When I do my Anki reviews, I only entertain two state of minds when marking the flash cards. The first is I know the answer (the answer pops into my brain instantaneously) and the second is I don’t know the answer (mind is blank). I do not try to recall the answer. Recalling takes time. If I try to recall the answer, it might take me upwards of a minute or two to remember it (and even then, I might still be wrong). Instead i like my Anki reviews to be snappy. It feels like I take about a fraction of a second to answer my Anki cards, although the Anki statistics tells me that I take 4second per card. Still fast either way. At 4s/card I can do 900 reviews in one hour.
Next is how I use Easy, Good, Again and Hard. The rule of thumb is to be more liberal than strict. I try to use Easy, instead of Good as much as I can because I don’t want my reviews to pile up. I almost never use Hard even if I get the card completely wrong. Speaking of reviews pilling up, we need to define what marking an Anki item as Good or Easy means to me.
For a lot of people it means aiming for perfection. That means that the person only click Easy or Good if his answer exactly matches the back side of the card. For myself I set an extremely low bar, as long the vague feeling of what I think the answer is somewhat matches the answer on the back side, I’m happy to give it a Good at least. Why? Because it’s the nature of Anki or SRS system to return cards you previously click Easy and Good. I don’t have to worry about being too forgiving on myself and being ignorant about the fact because I can always count on the card to return eventually. And if I a card I previously marked as Good, came back, and feels difficult, I would then make a mental note to study it in greater detail. Secondly, a lot of the 700 words in a typical N5 vocab deck are so common that you will encounter them all the time in the wild. This is called organic or natural SRS. If you are strict on your Anki at this stage, it can be quite an overkill in hindsight. Of course it may not feel like an overkill in the beginning because you are still gettting cards wrong.

Burnt out

Okay what about burnout. Surely I might be overdoing it, and wouldn’t burnout eventually catch up to me. Yes and no. I think the phenomenon of burnout is highly exaggerated. I don’t like to use the word burnt out whenever I’m feeling “burnt out” because it has a lot of negative connotations and because negative connotations can lead to self-fulfilling prophecies. Instead, I prefer to use the phrase, “I’m tired now”. I kind of compare myself to Shonen protagonists where there’s this big villain coming up and then some special training to level up. The special training is usually quite intense, and sometimes dangerous, and they will eventually be quite tired by the end of the training. But these protagonists always reemerge stronger with new abilities and can now overcome stronger foes.
Similarly, whenever I study too much, I would just acknowledge that I’m tired, watch some anime and something different. I’m usually okay by the next morning. I attribute my ability to resist burn out my thoughts and attitude.

Consistency, multimodality learning, and resourcefulness

I only believe in one kind of consistency, and that is that you have to show up almost every day. But I don’t believe in the kind of consistency that requires me to be on a 365-day Anki/wanikani/immersion streak. This is also one factor that helps to protect burn out. When I feel like doing textbook learning, that’s what I’m going to do. If want to do pure Bunpro and Anki for the next 3 days without reading any textbook, that’s what I’ll do.
I also believe in the idea of multimodality learning. I use everything at my disposal:
All the textbooks (Genki, Minna no nihongo, Tae Kim)
YouTube videos (Misa ammo, game gengo, tokiniandy)
Podcast
Songs
Doing active immersion with anime
Changing my phone language to Japanese (this one unfortunately is a bad advice. I recommend to stay away from this if you are still at N5)
Posters
Instagram and TikTok accounts of Japanese tutors
Websites (tofugu, human Japanese, Japanese tutors’ blogs)
Apps (wanikani, language reactor, bunpro)
Japanese grammar dictionaries
Assessment books
Discord or Reddit or forums
Japanese classes
There’s often this debate on which is better, Genki vs Minna vs Tae kim. If cost or ability to procure them is not an issue, why not use all of them? It’s okay to have one source as your primary source. Mine was Genki 1. But when I wanted to understand a nuance that Genki does not explain well enough, I’ll usually consult my other sources. And if I’m bored of Genki, I can easily switch to Tae Kim, for a change of scenery. If I don’t feel like reading, Misa or Tokiniandy is there for me.
My observation is that many people are usually only using one modality to acquire a new skill. This is causing their journey to be unnecessarily monotonous.

Sloppy learning and conjugations

One very integral component of the Japanese language is conjugation. It’s especially important for the N5. Conjugations can allow you to express many meaning in Japanese. Learning how to conjugate accurately is going to be a struggle for any beginner(think godan and ichidan verbs and conjugating to masu, te, negative forms, etc).
A lot of Japanese textbook and assessment will make you do drills. I skipped all of them. Rather than trying to brute force your way to memorizing conjugations I employ a technique called sloppy learning(this phrase is borrowed from “Japan Like A Breeze” on patreon). I define sloppy learning as learning just enough to acquire the essence of the concept.
For example, ,whether the verbs is in its polite form, short form, negative form or past tense form etc, can be easily recognised by looking at the last few syllabus of a word. If a words end on a “ta”, it must be past tense form. If it ends on a “masu” it must be the polite/long form. This concept can literally be understood in 5 mins.
Thus for me. When conjugating oyogu (泳ぐ）into past tense form, I just conjugate it as oyogu-ta (oyogu +ta) Or sometimes oyota. Now oyota is wrong of course. But that’s all I need at this stage. I desire to understand Japanese, not to get full marks on conjugation drill table. You must always try to look at the big picture. Trying to do well on conjugation drills is an opportunity cost. Ultimately one needs to judge what is worth spending effort on. Hence the idea of sloppy learning is to be deliberate about what to focus on.
Once I can consistently remember that masu means polite and ta meant past, this is where I try to conjugate them correctly. Conjugations is difficult because they all don’t behave like ru verbs. You cannot simply drop the ru at the end of a word and append ta or masu to them. Oyogu for example doesn’t even have a ru ending.
The path I chose was to hope that I can organically (I like this word a lot, but it also sometimes means magically) , know how to conjugate correctly one day. And to a certain extent I acquired some intuition on conjugations without any active involvement from my part. I soon became aware that if a word ends in a gu or a ku, then instead of a ta, it might be ita or ida.
The break through came on day 35. When I couldn’t endure the fact that I wasn’t able to magically acquire conjugation intuition for free. So i goggled “why are godan verbs conjugate the way they are”. And Tofugu came to the rescue.
Essentially they introduced three concepts (a) double consanent with small tsu, (b) assimilation with n, and (c)consonant removal. After that article, conjugating became a breeze. In hindsight, my ability to conjugate only costed me the time to read one tofugu article (and one month of passively intuiting the conjugation patterns) Because I did not spend time on conjugation drills, i was able to progress to the other grammatical points in Genki 1. I didn’t remain stuck in one place for too long.And this is another aspect of sloppy learning. You learn just enough to move on to the next level, you don’t aim for perfection.
Your brain can’t do everything at once. Your brain cannot remember that masu means polite form, and all the rules for conjugating verbs to masu in one sitting. If you try to do that, you can remain stuck, despite already understanding the general idea of conjugation. Better to move on and let the intuition develop. If you judge that the intuition is not going to progress or progress quickly enough, you can always intervene later by supplementing with new knowledge.

Mnemonics when I get something wrong too often

Often there will be a vocab or grammar point that I always can’t seem to latch on. No vague feelings, no guesses, just an empty mind. When this happens, it can be a scary feeling. It may feel like you are not good enough.
Really the solution is very simple. Just add one more inferential step. When I first encountered the word bengoshi（弁護士） , my mind does not produce any intuition or pictures or feelings. What I did was to create a mnemonic, a story. How to relate a lawyer to the sound ben go shi? I managed to came up with “when the judge announces his judgement, the bench(jury) goes “shhhh””Sorry, I know it’s really bad. But when I created that story, bengoshi never stumped me again.I’ve seen a lot of criticism of mnemonics that I don’t agree with

1. ‘they are not for me”>>I’ve seen people said that Anki is not for me. Srs is not for me. While I believe in individual differences and effectiveness in different methodologies, I feel that sometimes people decide too quickly what is or isn’t for them. What is optimal may first have a learning curve in the beginning. And instead of saying that something is not for me and moving on to the next thing, we need to consider if it isn’t we ourselves that should change to make it fit for us.
2. “If I’m trying to memorize something, how does adding more things to remember help. Now I not only have to remember the word, but I need to remember the story to remember the word.”>> Between a story and a random string of number “89779012879” , the brain can remember the short story more easily than the string of number despite the story consisting of more words. It’s just how our brain works.

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On active immersion

Active immersion means trying to pick up words or trying to understand what is being said in Japanese media like anime or novels. Passive immersion means enjoying the content without really worrying about improving your Japanese.
On day 21 I tried active immersion with Weathering with You. I came to the conclusion that active immersion is not efficient for the new learner. I can imagine myself doing a lot of sentence mining and active immersion in the future (spoiler, I’m now on day 70-80 and I’m immersing a lot more now). But definitely a hard no for me to recommend new comers as the only and primary form of learning Japanese.

Why textbook learning and structural learning is important for fast gains.

Textbook learning is great for fast gains because it prioritises for you. Textbooks are not prepared by a random person. They are usually prepared while respecting certain pedagogical principles in mind by a team of qualified academics. While appealing to authority doesn’t make it correct, we should at least be cognisant that the textbooks might be doing a few things right.
One of those pedagogical principles is incremental or progressive learning. Building knowledge upon what was previously learnt.
Another principle is foundational concepts. A textbook will usually introduce foundational concepts that act as a scaffold for everything else as early as possible. And because textbook learning is progressive, it means that the difficulty is always going to feel just about right. In active immersion the difficulty can be wild because it does not respect your level of Japanese proficiency.
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Completing N5 in 30 days.

In this 30 days, I was not only learning Japanese, but also learning how to learn. They call it building a plane while flying it hahahah. The principles outlined here helped me to finish N5 content at an insane rate. I was spending about 6-8 hours a day on Japanese (in chunks). So one point not stated here is time. There's no way around time investment.
On the 30th day I did a lot of mock tests and I performed quite well (80-90% correct).When I started on N4 on day 31, I was really surprised by the bump in difficulty. I gave myself 30 days to clear N4. That was the hardest 30 days in my Japanese learning journey. I’m fact I had a better time when I was studying for N3 on day 65 onwards. In my next post I’ll share why N4 was harder than N5 and N3 for me and share some more insights. Hope this has been helpful in offering new perspectives. Thank you for reading this long rant of mine.
There are also quite a few things missing in this post, namely

1. my studying regime for the first 30 day
2. the kanji problem (this one i struggled to settle on a study method. i was trying a lot of different strategies)
3. the psychological lived experience of studying japanese. the truth is, there is another battlefield happening in the mind realm. i often have self doubt and fear creeping. knowing how to address them is essential to a happy journey.
4. engaging in the larger conversation between Taekim, Curedolly, Refold, All japanese all the time, Moeway, immersion schools of thought, matt vs japan etc etc. I feel that a lot of my fundamental beleifs regarding where i stand can be glimpsed in this post. but i want to make my beliefs explict.

I will try to share more in the next post. If you have any questions on the specifics, I'll be there at the comment section ^^