This post on one of her secret social media accounts from late last year is what finally prompted me to reach out and write this instead of just swallowing the pain and trying to keep up the charade like I always have to: ON MY BIRTHDAY, while spending literally every second with me, gifts, cake, movie, everything--"You know when you like someone and they start dating someone else and you're like excuse me what the fuck but then you remind yourself that you haven't even put yourself in the running and you're like okay it's okay this won't work out anyway and then two weeks later they stop talking and you're like I knew it but you still do nothing and then they date someone else and it happens all over again and again but then eventually there's one and it's been months and they still don't break up and you're like fuck what if they get married. is that just me."
I really don't want to be writing this post. This is something I've been dealing with and that has been destroying me from the inside out for 12 years now. I'm not even sure about what to say or how to process it and I hope that this is even the right place to do it. If it isn't, I'll happily delete/accept direction to another sub but for right now this is just all that I have and I need to hear someone else say something about this to me who I know isn't just telling another lie and has no reason to. I can say beforehand that I realize this is likely going to read as rambling and incoherent. My thoughts are going to be all over the place. I don't even know to what degree I'm going to sound paranoid or who knows what else. And all I can really say about that is a reminder that after all of those years of not even being regarded highly enough by this person to be told the truth even 10% of the time, I have a very, very difficult time with trusting much of anyone. I also very openly suffer with severe anxiety disorders and this had always made it much, much worse. When I think I could have fewer things to worry about, I'd be reminded that this woman who I once thought loved me made me feel this way every day of my life.
The relationship began with red flag after red flag after red flag. Online, but not on a dating app. I'm just not into that stuff and I wasn't looking to date anyone. I just developed a crush and we started to talk and well, I fell for it. At first she was sweet and seemed harmless enough and like another artsy social media girl and I was happy to see that after having been in long-term relationships with party girls instead. But pretty quickly she presented herself as this nymphomaniac who just can't get enough. Always info-dumped to me in our messages about her past exploits, what sorts of crazy sexual encounters she'd had, her insatiable sexual appetite, bragging about partners, wild locations they'd done it, so on and so forth. As soon as I gave any indication that this wasn't the kind of girl I happened to be into, she backpedaled (and has stuck to that story with me since) and told me that she made all of that stuff up. It was just for attention, she just wanted me to like her, she thought that's what guys like. That the stories she was telling were actually ripped straight from the life of one of her friends and that she's nothing like that, etc. There was always some kind of excuse for why she said or did something that I will only ever believe is what actually happened and she was giving me the edited versions of everything. I even remember her going on about how she was having a threesome with one of her many exes (or few exes, it's impossible to even know that truth from her) and that she backed out last minute as it was happening because she didn't want to do anything with the girl. But in one of her secret online social media lives (one she didn't know that I've known about for a long time), she bragged about how she had been seeing a girl for months (after dumping a guy who insulted her in some way).
But whenever we'd talk about any of these things, oh no that never happened. We haven't even gone over much, if any, of her secret online life material and aside from whatever she's picked up on from when she stalks my social media to see if I've said anything (or if I publicly talked to other women, etc, as if she has any right) that would indicate that I'm onto her in any way, I have no idea what she knows yet. Which, by the way, she denies doing. She opened her phone and my Twitter and another account were both open on her screen and she quickly closed them. We fought all night about how she swears that never happened and it wasn't possible, they weren't there, go ahead and look, etc. Any time I ever bring up anything that I know she lies about, she instantly gets extremely aggressive and digs deep into the "I already told you that wasn't true" defense. I find that if I bring up a story she'd made up every few years that details change, but even when she's called out on that she just digs in even deeper, if anything.
From the beginning, once we became a couple, she just wouldn't shake her online relationships. Could not give them up. I know that she loved the attention and the lifestyle but I don't know, I just didn't think someone could be that obsessed with it and would be willing to sabotage a relationship for it. The guys (and I would later come to find out girls as well as she now identifies online as bisexual, despite always denying it to me even though I was the one who first told her I thought she was bisexual based on very compelling context and also nevermind the fact that I'm a vocal and strong LGBTQ ally) from her past texting her. Constant conversation with one of her online flings who would talk crap about me to her and they'd mostly just laugh about me. Straight up maintaining text conversations with long-term ex-boyfriends and one night stands from college. Things she had going on with coworkers over the years, and all of these really bizarre things she'd get into with guys online who I don't even think necessarily knew she existed. Like she was in a relationship with them but they had likely never even spoken to her. But she'd message her friends about how into the guy she was, etc.
I'm having a hard time keeping everything organized because I'm shaking as I type this, honestly. My heart is beating in my throat. My anxiety is off the charts. I don't have any proof of her physically cheating on me and I probably never will unless she ever finally admits it after she leaves me and uses it as something to hurt me even more. For a time I was physically with her for so long that I guess the only moments she'd have to do that was while working or traveling to and from and while she likely did (especially since her pool of people doubled from just guys to guys and girls, which means that when I had fully let my guard down when she had been working at some places that were only women, there was a very strong likelihood of her doing things with them and I would have never even imagined). The other thing is I'm not really a jealous person. Despite everything that had already happened with her, I didn't feel jealous that she might be doing anything. I didn't think about it, I just wanted her to do her own thing and be happy and not blame me for missing out on whatever it is that she wanted to be doing that she enjoyed. But it's definitely all there as far as online relationships/flings, betrayal, lies, and so on. And she's the kind of person who's very obvious about it too because she does at least two things: 1) She always positions herself so that her phone screen cannot be seen. And 99% of the time I'm not even looking at it. Even when she tells me to look at her screen to see some funny video or whatever, I'm always afraid to do it and end up seeing a notification pop up or that she forgot to log out of whichever website, and then I just have to feel even more destroyed inside over that. Not to mention the fight that would lead to nothing (except more lies). 2) I generally fall asleep before her and that'll go on for months at a time at least. During that time she'll stay up for hours and get all of her "private" stuff done without fear of me seeing. And yeah, I've woken up before and she didn't notice that I did until it's a bit too late and I'll see her quickly put her phone away and pretend to be asleep, but besides that she's generally just had all of that time to talk to the guys/girls, post, etc. And she'll lie and be like, "I fell asleep like 10 minutes after you, it was so great." But then there will be timestamps on her secret social media posts that act as proof that she was lying there for hours posting them. She even confessed online that she woke up 4 hours early for work (from home) and hadn't actually gone to work, just "messed around online" instead.
The lies destroy me. There have been so, so many lies. They've turned me into an amateur detective and the thing is that I don't want to think like that! I have far, far too many problems of my own that I deal with every second of every day and her being an unfaithful liar was not something I had worked into my schedule as being one of them. It's exhausting. I just want to be able to trust that someone is doing what they say they're doing, feels what they say they feel, is who they say there are. It's what I give her 100% so I have to genuinely ask, is it wrong to want the same back? And the thing with her is that she lies so much that in 12 years I would estimate that roughly 75-80% of everything she's ever said to me was a lie. Anything about her thoughts and feelings is generally a lie and that's often very obvious or could be proven by her very blatantly contradicting herself with something or other.
And she doesn't just lie about all of the infidelity type stuff. Sure, those are the things that she'll work hardest to protect because that's her self-preservation at work, she doesn't want to be found out. I've given her so many free outs of our relationship over the years. So many times that I said we could part amicably and one day be friends or never speak again, whichever she preferred. But what would she always say? "No, I don't want anyone else, I want you!". She's the kind of person who will lie about mundane details about things that I wouldn't even think about. For example, she always used to walk around exclaiming how she couldn't have caffeine, that she'd only drink decaf coffee, etc. Then one day a bottle of high dosage caffeine pills fell out of her overnight bag that she'd bring to my house. "Oh I was just having such a hard time staying up, it's not a big deal". No, it isn't. The big deal is the secret. And somewhere around that same time it was revealed that she was either stopping for Dunkin' coffee every day before work (despite running so late that she was almost getting fired) and that she had this whole back and forth "is it my turn to buy the instant coffee and creamer?" with one of the girls she worked with. Why lie about something insane like that? Something so meaningless, something that I never would have even thought about being something someone would be sick enough to lie about. And once again, it's entirely about the lie, and she never really had an answer for that, just some ridiculous excuses to which I could only respond, "who cares if you're drinking coffee?!"
She used to be somewhat put together physically and then just stopped with makeup entirely, wore only the same baggy clothes every day, hair in a bun, gained a huge amount of weight, gave up on any regular personal hygiene. So I always knew something was up when she'd be like, "I'm gonna put makeup on today!" I learned that was essentially code for her disappearing into the bathroom for an hour because she was dressing up in emo girl clothing, doing the full makeup, fitting herself into the really ancient band t-shirts and pants and jewelry, etc, and taking tons of photos to post on the secret socials to present to/bait the guys and girls in the community who were into that/believed that's how she was every day. Whenever I'd see these photos, bam--there's my house very distinctly serving as the backdrop. My mirror she was using for the 2005 Myspace selfies. And please keep in mind, this is a woman in her 30s. And look, I'm a huge nerd and I think cosplay is awesome and so on and I believe that anyone should be able to dress up as anything that they want to dress up as. But it's the lies and the secret double lives that I don't agree with.
One of the biggest red flags for me that I ever saw when it came down to learning about her life via her secret social media accounts (remember, she would never talk to me about anything nor tell the truth and even if I presented her with hard evidence, screenshots, anything at all she'd double down and say it wasn't real, it never happened, you name it) I was always a ghost. I didn't exist. She's lived at my house for most of the past 12 years, yet everything she'd ever say about anything in the house she'd refer to as very emphatically hers and would mention how she lives alone. It was done in this very specific way that you could see that she was trying to present as being this version of herself that she was living out online and that included her being in her own place without anyone else, often capped off with "I'm all alone, cuddle me" sorts of tags. And any time she couldn't get out of mentioning another person being around, I would always be referred to as "someone"or I guess sometimes "a person". And always "they" for a pronoun if that part was necessary (I'm cisgender straight male for whatever that matters).
It's actually absurd just how much she lies to all of her online people, too, now that I think of it. There are lots of shows that I watch and she doesn't but then she'd jump on her socials and post a thousand photos of all the guys and girls in the show that she's "unhealthily in love and obsessed with and wants to marry" and she'd say things about how sad she is that the show is over or . But I'd always be "someone". "I was talking to someone about it" and then it would be something that the two of us had a long conversation about an hour before or the previous night or whatever. I was very, very clearly being edited out of her life to make sure that she was single and approachable to everyone online. And it worked very well for her (and continues to).
Recently I saw on one of her secret social medias that verbatim said, "love when I wake up covered in scratches even though I'm entirely alone". She sleeps in my bed with me inches away from her every night. I can't even remember the last time we slept apart or even went a day without being together. She talks about her furniture or this possession or that. All my stuff. And I don't mean that in a "this stuff is mine, don't touch" kind of possessive way, I'm just pointing out that to me in person she'll call the possessions "your stuff' to me, but online she pretends it's hers. Maybe I'm splitting hairs here but it's all part of the details that make all of this so much for me.
When I first found one of her various secret social medias about a year ago, I had no plans to say anything about it. For some reason early into us being together she permanently deleted all of social media accounts that I had ever been friends with her on, maybe more that I don't know about. She said she hated social media, everyone was fake, she didn't care to see any of those peoples' dumb lives, etc. Fair enough, I only keep my Facebook account to wish people happy birthday and remember that people I went to school with even still exist. I barely check it otherwise. I'm more into Reddit and Twitter for gaming news and sports and stuff like that. And Reddit is something that she heavily got into a few years ago, which at first was to stalk me because, shocker, I saw my post and comment history open on her phone. And I'm not doing anything wrong on here or anywhere else so what does it matter to me, I keep it all public and edit absolutely zero of what I say or do because I'm not doing anything wrong and if it makes her happy to stalk my social media, have fun. No qualms here. And she's always on Reddit but with the big annoying "create an account" stuff all over the screen and I always said to her, "Oh my gosh, why don't you just make an account? It's so much easier that way." Always said she didn't want one, that she didn't want or need social media and using it logged out was fine and easy. Okay, if that's what you like.
But I didn't mention that account she did make (along with a few of her others) to her or anyone else for a couple of reasons. She does have extremely serious mental issues and mostly everything that I saw of her posting on there whenever I'd look every month or two was page after page of her trying to fit in with all of the 19 year old girls who are obsessed on very unhealthy levels with these 40-something year old emo band members. Reposting all of their weird pictures of them in their prime making out with each other, being really strange, doing some disturbing stuff, etc, but that was that scene and just because I'm not into it doesn't mean I care if anyone else is on any level where I think they need to stop. So as far as I could tell, maybe it would just stay as that and what do I care if she does that? It doesn't matter one bit to me, the only part that matters about something like that to me at all is that it needs to be a secret from me. But so I figured she was feeling like she fit in with all of the other people like that (albeit all much younger than her) and hey, if that's what makes you happy and helps her vent all of the issues that she doesn't want to share with me (which did unfortunately later on in the account turn into her just straight up complaining about me specifically on there, as "someone", "a person", even more than just about her own feelings, even though I'm someone who always has an open door for you to air whatever problem you have out to me and we can talk about it for as long as you'd like--as long as you're truthful and thorough about it without keeping more secrets).
It was always EXTREMELY unsettling to see, though, because she doesn't talk like herself on there. Or maybe I should rephrase; she doesn't talk like the self that she's pretended to be around me for 12 years. Completely different vocabulary, style of speech, regional slang, and honestly speaking in a bunch of pretty gross ways that shocked me coming from her because with me she's very prude (I'll get to that). But even still, it was mostly "innocent" at least publicly (despite being a secret account that she admitted on there several times existed in secret because she didn't want family or anyone to find it and so she could just say and act however she wanted). But it did get more troubling over time. Instead of just the niche band stuff, it started to turn into her talking about her past and became a place to list the notches in her bedpost (accidental nod to one of the things she's unhealthy levels of obsessed with) and I don't know if she wanted to appear like some sexually liberated badass to all of the other girls on there or what but it got more and more intense as time went on. And you know what it reminded me of almost exactly? The person I first met over 12 years ago, except minus a lot of the graphic material only because the site doesn't allow it anymore. After that it was her suddenly being very open about how much she loves sleeping with women, heavily leaning into the bisexual identity, and so on. Look. I never once gave her any reason to think that she couldn't come out to me if she wanted to. Never once. And I'm not even now saying that she has to or should or even necessarily that she's wrong for not coming out. But I mentioned it earlier and it's true, there was some stuff that happened years back that led me to have a lightbulb moment about her being into women, and she was very against it. Mostly just laughed but also said that she's straight. And that's fine, especially if you have a hard time or don't want to admit it to someone. But it's when you remain in a relationship with me for 12 years with that secret that it becomes an issue for me. It's when you tell stories about your past doing things with other girls that you not only swore you'd never done but that you said you never would do, and yes that is in the context of something mentioned over the years about being brought into our own relationship. She was very opposed, both in a "I'm not into girls, so no" and "I don't want to be with anyone else, only you, so no) kind of way.
Those are the reasons that I feel betrayed. And it's not something that has made her life difficult. Regardless of how much she hates me, I've only ever been supportive of LGBT rights, have them as close friends, and so on. She knows about every vote I've cast, she sees the stickers I order, the causes I support, and so on. Her family is supportive. Not in a "we would still love you anyway" kind of way but in an openly encouraged kind of way. There is nothing at all that would suggest it's difficult for her. It was just a secret to keep from me because that's all she knows how to do and because it left me off guard about more than 50% of the world population that I didn't expect she'd be messing around with.
Onto the last parts, likely. For probably 11 or maybe more of the years we've been together, we really haven't been close, intimate, acted like a couple, any of that. She isn't physically or emotionally interested in me. Something that was always an issue from the start was how vocal she was about the whole being a nymphomaniac with other guys (and girls) thing but that we have an essentially nonexistent sex life and always have. She doesn't even speak a dirty word around me. When we watch TV or movies together and there's a sex scene, she acts disgusted but then you'll find the same scene posted as an obsessive amount of GIFs, images, quotes, and photos on her secret social media with captions about how much it turned her on, how much she wishes for that, where is her , etc. We were never really people who kissed a whole bunch but we haven't kissed basically at all in years. Anything that ever happens between us has to be initiated by me (and after so many years of it, I don't want to and it just makes me feel so awful about myself) and is always met with some form of very angry/annoyed, "Is it going to be quick? Hurry up!" She's never been open to doing anything beyond the bare minimum with me and even then it's like pulling teeth. We were in our 20s and we'd go weeks and weeks without even touching each other. But then if we got into a fight she'd try to end the fight with some kind of sexual advance, and to me that's just not normal and something is very wrong there. We haven't said "I love you" in more years than I can even remember. She was very into that for maybe like the first 2-3 months and then she needed to appear to everyone like she was a single girl who just happened to be around me so she wouldn't touch me or act like my girlfriend in any way, and I recall the final time she ever said those words it was that very telling "Love you" instead of what she used to be very emphatic about had to be "I love you", the full three words, to really have meaning.
I stopped saying it to her because of all of the lies and cheating and betrayal. I didn't feel it anymore, it made me feel like I was going to be sick if those words were even conjured up to my mouth. She didn't deserve to hear them for doing what she was doing to me. And that was just normalized so long ago that it really is what it is. That was never going to be fixed. Nor were the intimacy issues considering all that ever was was the exact same fight, down to the same words said, month after month and year after year, whenever enough time had passed and enough frustration had been pent up that everything just boiled over and it got vocal. I mentioned earlier that she gained a very large amount of weight and entirely stopped taking care of herself. That part sucked for both of us. But online she presents herself as something else so it doesn't really seem to affect much in her romantic/sexual interests. In person, I had to come to terms with being with a different person than who I had first met.
And I'm not body shaming. I try to be supportive about eating healthier and did it myself to give her the easy road to join me. Didn't want to , didn't care to. Not much else I can do there since I'm definitely not allowed to comment on that issue without being torn apart. But the point is that I still stayed. Years and years of her lying to me about everything, of her cheating on me, of her scrambling my brain to the point where I don't think I'll EVER be able to trust another person again, I've just stayed with her. Because what difference does it make? If I did meet someone else, they'd do the same thing to me. She showed me that it's all I'm worth. And I wasted the remaining good years that I had being with her, hoping somewhere that things would get better and that all of that time I put into very naively believing that I had gotten to know another human being on the profound sort of level that takes 12 years to go to...well, but that didn't actually happen, though. She just told me whatever suited her. That much is a fact. And I never really knew how to get out anyway because back when I was still trying to just break up with her and move on and have a chance to salvage my ability to love or trust anyone, she'd always fight so hard and do crazy things like camp out on my porch or finally go away for a few days but spend the entire time texting me, emailing me, messaging me on whatever she could find that I hadn't blocked her on to just make it easier on both of us. But she wouldn't leave. And then I wouldn't. And I allowed myself to stay in this situation and be damaged beyond repair. And I don't even know what to do.
There's a lot of evidence right now that suggests she's leaving me imminently (yes, to be clear we're still physically together and live together and spend 24/7 together, though clearly neither of us think of each other as significant others, which really sucks because, well...have you ever been in the same room with and shared a bed with someone who only ever lies to you about everything and you know it, but they don't know that you know? I'm sure and very sorry to say that many people here can probably answer "yes" to that question). Everything points to her taking off basically any minute because she finally picked up on the fact that I know about her secret lives. She deactivated at least one of them, one of the seemingly less important ones. And the really bad one I'm sure will "disappear" soon until she jumps ship, not entirely sure why it matters though considering I already have all of that saved and if she's leaving me anyway then what does she care if I can see her secret life anymore? I only ever looked at it because we were together and some part of me had wondered for so long if things would ever just be normal and dare I say better between us and I needed to know (yes, like passing the train wreck and opting to look instead of shield your eyes) over the course of the year-ish that I've seen that particular secret life if she was even capable of being faithful and honest or if she was going to go off the rails exactly like I anticipated she would. And she sure did. And of course I've been a mess about it--and how could I not, even if I hated her guts this is still finding out even more about how someone I've spent so much of my life with for so many years--just doesn't care about me or what she does to me and will happily keep cheating, lying, doing whatever she want so long as she has what she wants and is in control of how everything goes. She needs to keep the secrets, dictate what is fact and what's fiction, and by what I know is coming also be the one to finally leave. I think all along she just stayed with me because I was the one trying to leave her and someone like her can't have that. She needs to be the one doing the dumping, needs to be the victim who had to leave this awful person and get as far away as she can. And she'll get her way with that because I just don't have it in me. But given the fact that I've been a mess, and I am around her 24/7, all I've really known how to do is be quiet. Flip over and face the other way. Bury myself in Reddit and Discord and scroll through pages and pages of guides about how to create the best character in whatever new video game I'll start just to fill the silence in my room and have something to think about other than the fact that I'm not good enough even for a really, really bad person to care about me even a little bit.
It's weird to me that someone with such sociopath/antisocial traits thinks that they're such genius masterminds. That they're invulnerable to ever being found out. That their victims haven't just already known for a long time and are too tired and broken to even bother saying something else about it. I've known for a long time now, about all of this newer stuff but about so many things with her, some that I've spoken about and some that I haven't, but it's very clear that she thinks she was just doing this without any consequence all along. Well not to her, of course not. She only cares about self-preservation in the sense that as long as she has things the way that she wants them (currently that means free room and board, espresso drinks, fast and reliable Wi-Fi, a place to do her work, gifts, and honestly I don't even know what if anything else she feels she gets from being with me at this point or how long it's just been that or less, and I guess avoiding the short-term "sting" for someone like her to have to actually get up and move out and maybe for an hour or two feel something that resembles "sad" about the end of an extremely long relationship).
People like her just don't see. I'm the male so I have to just keep my emotions about it all inside. And if I didn't, what would it matter? She'd just deny it all. She'd lie until I was too tired to fight about it anymore and just said, "Okay fine, let's just move on and change the subject". I have to wait until I'm in the bathroom to cry. I don't have any secret social media accounts to vent about any of it on. I don't even have friends whom I'd talk to about this kind of thing because honestly we're older and it's messy. They'd all say why the hell didn't you just get out years ago? Just like every single person has told me over the years. And I'd tell them I don't know.
And now that I've spent like two hours typing, that last paragraph only just now reminded me that she's going to be reading this. Sometimes I forget that everything I'm ever posting is open in a private browser tab on her phone somewhere. Normally, I don't really mind. I had a really long-winded question about the best character build in a video game? By all means, read away. You'll be bored by it just like how you're bored by anything I ever have to say about anything that I'm really interested in to you. Because I'm not one of those emo boys (or girls) online. Because I'm not whoever or whatever you wanted.
But I guess it most of all doesn't matter because I know she's leaving. Words spoken far too much these days, but it is what it is.
I'm really sorry about how long all of this is. I'm really sorry if this is hard to follow or if my thoughts are too scattered or whatever the issue. It's really difficult to write a first and last time In Memorium about a relationship where I've been nothing but lied to, cheated on, and had secrets kept from me for 12 years. So I guess at least I won't be writing about this again.
​
TL;DR: There is no TL;DR. This is just too long. It's too much. The TL;DR would be a novella and it's just too much for me to do. I'm not offended if you can't or don't want to devote the time to read this. Or if you have trouble following. Or if you don't like me and think I'm a bad person. It's okay. I'd love to hear what anyone has to say about it, sure, but in many ways this is just as much for myself. A final chapter laid to rest.

Good evening racers! It's the moment you've ALL been waiting for - the beginning of the Lesotho Grand Prix! We have 66 excited participants hoping to take the top prize and be crowned karting extraordinaire, but first, 60 of them will have to go through the first 3 of our cups - the Mushroom Cup, the Flower Cup and the Star Cup!! The 8 highest performing racers from each of the 3 tournaments will make it through to the grand finale - the Special Cup, where they'll be joined by the six automatic qualifiers.
So, without any further ado, let's get those engines started and get RACING!!

Automatic Qualifiers

Voting in	Country	User	Artist	Song	Link	Extra notes
Mushroom Cup (SF1)	Mozambique	u/Sam_Esc	Sneaker Pimps	6 Underground	Here
Mushroom Cup (SF1)	Palau	u/kazamagram	Laura Les	Haunted	Here	Contains flashing images
Flower Cup (SF2)	Lesotho	u/dylantherat	Donna Missal	Flicker	Here
Flower Cup (SF2)	South Korea	u/BiPolarBear17	Mokyo	MAD	Here
Star Cup (SF3)	Eswatini	u/Chickflopia	Debby Friday ft. Uñas	I Got It	Here
Star Cup (SF3)	Greece	u/BFerdinand_	Omar Apollo	Tamagotchi	Here

Youtube Playlist
[Spotify Playlist]()
[Recap]()

Mushroom Cup (Semi-final 1)

Draw	Country	User	Artist	Song	Link	Extra notes
1	Guatemala	u/reetuss1	O-ZONE	Dragostea Din Tei	Here
2	Greenland	u/AlexandraAlt_1	Gia Ford	A Car Crash For Two	Here
3	Israel	u/Josephoo_	Zatara	Balaleen	Here
4	Curaçao	u/boapessoa	Carne Doce	Comida amarga	Here
5	United Arab Emirates	u/SergeyJorjaStan	aespa	Hold On Tight	Here
6	Wallis and Futuna	u/hubbernd	Yoa	bootycall	Here
7	Faroe Islands	u/_xSyracuse	Jason Dhakal	Manila	Here
8	Niue	u/SoupearJ	Katie Kim	Day Is Coming	Here
9	Namibia	u/Opha23	Porcelain Black	Pretty Little Psycho	Here
10	Bolivia	u/boliveee	Sweet Trip	Milk	Here
11	Seychelles	u/Bowman3058	FVLCRVM ft. Annet X	Do It All Again	Here
12	Ukraine	u/fatesconsequence	Stranger Club	WYLM	Here
13	Guyana	u/Lux_Archives	Talia Goddess	Ragga	Here
14	Mauritania	u/XalionN	Mulay	See Me	Here
15	Belarus	u/-Stanley_yelnats-	JPEGMAFIA & Danny Brown	Kingdom Hearts Key	Here
16	Libya	u/lissa_1111	Brodka	Sadza	Here
17	Armenia	u/Fun6754	Michaela Slinger	Everything I Wasn't Looking For	Here
18	Cyprus	u/j0rdy000	Marina Herlop	Abans Abans	Here
19	United States	u/Dugly_Uckling	Joseph	Rest	Here
20	Botswana	u/asuto_lp	Etta Marcus	Nosebleed	Here

Youtube Playlist
[Spotify Playlist]()
[Recap]()
[Sorter]()

Flower Cup (Semi-final 2)

Draw	Country	User	Artist	Song	Link	Extra notes
1	North Korea	u/curryraejepsen	LE SSERAFIM	Eve, Psyche & The Bluebeard's Wife	Here
2	Indonesia	u/DoddyTV	Nothing But Thieves	Welcome to the DCC	Here
3	The Bahamas	u/Kaylaboe	Waxahatchee	Can't Do Much	Here
4	Maldives	u/chaoticciolina	Jorja Smith	Little Things	Here
5	Micronesia	u/FreeCuddlesAnyone	Krzewy	Tamte Dni	Here
6	Tuvalu	u/Whyx_	Depeche Mode	Enjoy the Silence	Here
7	Bhutan	u/FKA-Pieck	Toro Y Moi	So Many Details	Here
8	Georgia	u/ZwissDa2nd	jaboukie	BBC	Here	Contains flashing images
9	Aruba	u/qyzxf	The Beths	Knees Deep	Here
10	Macao	u/AwesomeJoshua	Yung Bae ft. Marc E. Bassy	Revolving	Here
11	Bulgaria	u/EmiliaLily	Metric ft. Brie Larson	Black Sheep	Here
12	Montserrat	u/las_facepalmas	CHVRCHES ft. Robert Smith	How Not To Drown	Here
13	Sint Maarten	u/zuperZany	TAEYEON	INVU	Here
14	Moldova	u/DubiousEnjoyment	Kara Jackson	dickhead blues	Here
15	Nauru	u/ProfessionalEven1277	Johnny Yukon	Gloria!	Here
16	Guam	u/mayblobbe	Clark ft. Thom Yorke	Medicine	Here
17	Barbados	u/Bongo9911	YOASOBI	Idol	Here
18	Finland	u/Foobibby	Malla	Sabrina	Here
19	Iceland	u/BebeLuigi	Bubble Tea and Cigarettes	Santa Monica	Here
20	Malawi	u/fuerteesc	After School	BANG!	Here

Youtube Playlist
[Spotify Playlist]()
[Recap]()
[Sorter]()

Star Cup (Semi-final 3)

Draw	Country	User	Artist	Song	Link	Extra notes
1	Falkland Islands	u/tehhammerz	Avlak	Krampus	Here
2	Suriname	u/SandHannahtiser	Vylet Pony ft. nekosnicker, galaxysquid & namii	the yak song	Here
3	Yemen	u/SaltyPopcorn02	Moyka	Rear View	Here
4	Saint Lucia	u/Spooky_Squid	Snoh Aalegra	DYING 4 YOUR LOVE	Here
5	San Marino	u/PercyYates	Alexandra Savior	Howl	Here
6	Norway	u/Fingrpaint	Purple Disco Machine	Substitution	Here
7	Comoros	u/Zeiskyte	Sui Uzi	Hide & Seek	Here
8	Poland	u/Erazed11	Mura Masa, NAO	Complicated	Here
9	Tanzania	u/Chimlin	Didi Han ft. Lydia-Lee & L-Like	Something Like This?	Here
10	Zimbabwe	u/Azzbestos	Jessie Ware	Begin Again	Here
11	Saint Barthélémy	u/george_kaito	Carly Rae Jepsen	Western Wind	Here
12	Turkmenistan	u/emvaz	Passenger	Holes	Here
13	Oman	u/slfkjia	The Prodigy	Omen	Here	Contains flashing images
14	Isle of Man	u/manleyy44	Elujay ft. serpentwithfeet	Luvaroq	Here
15	Luxembourg	u/TheDutchDen	Red Moon	Dreamer	Here
16	Mauritius	u/jeremy_laporte	Jordan Ward	FAMJAM4000	Here
17	Liechtenstein	u/Franky494	Ryan Beatty	Andromeda	Here
18	Kazakhstan	u/mac1oo	Danali	Tyiym	Here
19	Egypt	u/FlamePods	Novaa, LIE NING	Story Untold	Here
20	Venezuela	u/justlyra	Anitta	Boys Don't Cry	Here

Youtube Playlist
[Spotify Playlist]()
[Recap]()
[Sorter]()
[All Songs - Youtube Playlist]()
You will send in your votes to u/RedditvisionHost using forms only. The forms are in the comments of this post as well for those that are on mobile.
Voting in your own semi-final: You will vote by sending in your 12, 10, 8 through 1 points as well as your 11th to 17th or 18th place, i.e. a full ranking. Voting in your own semi-final is mandatory, and failure to do so will result in a disqualification. Voting is through this form only.
Voting in other semi-finals: If you wish, you may voluntarily vote in the semi-finals that you are not allocated to vote in. The process is the same above; you vote by sending in your full ranking. Crossvoting is through this form only.
Deadline: Monday 5th June at 23:59 CEST. No extensions will be given.

Start voting now!!!!

The red dog that grew way too big for his own sake
OR
The pink Gen II Normal and later Fairy-type Pokemon that evolves into Clefairy
View Poll

i feel like every single one of those stupid "boykisser" gifs or 4chan posts about boys. i jus wanna kiss and cuddle with one so bad. im not joking around anymore im dead serious i need a boy to cuddle with RIGHT now.
i wanna dress all cute n girly n stuff too. i need cute skirts and thigh highs and chokers and arm warmers and nail polish and...... etc etc. you get the idea. im not trans, as far as i know. i don't know why i want this. but i do. and i love it.
i love being girly. and i love all of you :3

I (37f) need perspective because I am really lost and incredibly hurt right now. My husband (44m) and I have been together for 10 years. We were married in 2017. In 2022 he started having an online affair with someone he met through a streamer. There was no physical cheating, but there was sexting, I love you exchanges, discussion of our personal life, MY personal life, discussion of my son and my parenting, he sent her nude pictures of himself and often had highly sexual conversations with this person. Aside from just the sexual aspect, he would message her each morning wishing her a good day, or each night telling her to sleep well. He would check in with her throughout the day, affirm how beautiful and amazing she was and how proud of her he was for stupid things like reaching specific streaming goals. He would send her cute gifs that said things like you’re my favorite human, you’re beautiful, you’re stunning. He would send her lengthy affirmations of how amazing she was, while also affirming she was sexually desirable. He was sending her gifs of a sexual nature as well as stuff about how cuddling would be great and sending selfies of himself in bed telling her he had a spot on his shoulder for her. He used the “pet name” he used for me with her, in addition to other terms of endearment such as sweetheart, love, beautiful, gorgeous, and darling. She reciprocated all of it, sending him “private thirst traps,” expressing her desire to shower with him or dreaming about him, concluding how eager she was to go down on him amongst other things. This was, absolutely an affair. He discussed more of OUR personal life with her then he did with me. Suffice to say, I found out about this and lost it. Despite him seemingly failing to accept or admit what he did was wrong and basically blaming me for taking it as something it wasn’t. And telling me “I think you two would actually get along if you talked to each other.” I left for a while but ended up coming back for several reasons. One being that I actually loved him and I believed he wanted to work it out and recognized the hurt he caused in me. Another being that medically, the logistics of transferring all of my son’s and my medical care would involve a lot more than I had realized.
I have supported every aspect of his life since I met him. Visitation with his kids, sure, let’s find an attorney and go to war bc you’re a phenomenal father and you deserve to be in their lives, I got your back. Helping him find a job when he retired from the military, I had a decent federal job and was able to orchestrate a foot in the door for him within the same organization. Going to his award presentations while he was in, absolutely! I was proud of him bc he worked hard and deserved it. Shortly after we started dating he was having financial struggles, I had purchased a home and asked him if he would like to move in, I would pay all the bills so he could get his finances organized and more stable, I never asked him for help but helped him when he needed it. I have never failed to remind him throughout the 10 years we have been together that I love him, think he’s attractive, that I would support him in any endeavor or road he chooses to walk down that I had his back and I would help in any way I could and that I was proud of him. He has NEVER reciprocated that. When I earned an important promotable status in the military, he never once said he was proud of me. When I took my horse to our first (and last) show and we did really well, he never told me he was proud of me. At this same event I had just a few days earlier had heart surgery and still had stitches, which I tore during our first event. I asked him if I should continue or scratch from our remaining events, he never showed concern for my well-being, just told me to do what I wanted to, when I decided to scratch I felt like had failed at something I had been planning and training for months for, and there was never any attempt to comfort me or tell me that despite not finishing what I had set out to accomplish that he was still proud of me and we hadn’t failed. When I had heart issues and was transported from one hospital to another (after having my heart stopped and restarted) that was down the street from his job, he didn’t even leave work to come be with me. He said that I said I was fine so he didn’t see any reason to be concerned. When I miscarried our child he made it clear he was relieved and made no effort to console or comfort me. When I fell off my horse and broke my ankle, he treated me like I was being a baby about the pain, I cooled down and untacked my horse on my own despite having a bone that was snapped in my ankle, he never apologized or seemed to feel anything in regards to treating me like I was overreacting or just weak. He regularly forgets anniversaries and holidays that may be important to me (Mother’s Day or Valentine’s Day) and is always harsh in his criticism when I don’t know how to do things or he does them better than I do. Stupid things like, loading the dishwasher, I would load it and he would come behind me and redo all of it. If I did laundry he would complain that I shrunk his stuff and to just not do his he could do his own. I mowed the lawn but apparently set the lawnmower wrong and the cut grass would have damaged the grass so instead of explaining to me what I had done wrong or how to fix it, when I was just trying to help so he didn’t have to do it, he just came home saw it and got pissed and angry that he had to “fix it” but meanwhile I’m TRYING to be helpful and he’s telling some internet broad he could never be mad at her and all he ever is - is angry at me. I have accepted that he is who he is. That it isn’t malicious he just shows his love differently then I do and that’s ok. Or that it is really annoying to come home and have to fix my mistakes around the house after working all day, so I understand why he’s pissy. But to see how he was speaking with this person, knowing he was always capable of being more patient and kind, and supportive, was, soul shattering to say the least. He never told me I was beautiful, he never showed concern for my health, our marriage was in a bad place at that time as I had basically decided I was tired of begging for the scraps of affection or love he threw me, and he never once made any attempt to tell me anything like “I hate that you’re sleeping in the guest room, I miss you.” He never invited me to spend time with him doing anything, watching a movie or show with him, despite my constantly asking him “do you want to watch this with me” or I made popcorn do you want to pick a movie and watch it with me, or can I come sleep up there with you, or accompanying him to run errands or having dinner with him… even when it came to the streaming stuff. I tried to make an account on the site he streamed on but couldn’t figure it out, I thought it had to be done on the gaming console and when I brought it up to him that I tried and couldn’t figure it out, he never made any attempt to help me so I could be involved with that aspect of his life and support him in that. I know it may seem stupid but I am not tech savvy in the least and I felt stupid for not being able to figure it out so I never outright asked him for help with that. Despite showing little to no interest in my life, he made sure to support his cyber gf in her streaming endeavors. Even reaching out to her after I came back to tell her I’d come back and that things seemed to be on the right track, HE reached out to her to tell her that, which again made me feel bad because why? Why did you do that? Why did she need to be informed even after I’ve asked you to cease communicating with her, just why??
I am disabled now and have a special needs son whose biological father has no interest in him. I am sick and struggling currently due to this illness so I have been unable to work for almost a year now. I had told my husband I would help him file some claims with the va, (admin and paperwork has always been my thing) and that all I needed were his medical records and I would find the pertinent information so he could submit it for his claim. Today I was going through his records and pulling out pertinent info when I stumbled across notes where he spoke about our relationship (we were not married at the time but had been in a relationship for 3 or 4 years) and that he didn’t care about the relationship and that maybe it was more about familiarity then choice. Once again, I feel like I’ve been stabbed in the heart, and had the knife twisted through a wound that’s freshly healing, especially since I already feel like I’ve just been stupid in believing that this man loved me at all. To add to the fact I feel like I’ve wasted a decade of my life loving someone who didn’t choose me, they just chose the convenient option. Now I am sick, I can’t work, and require occasional help with daily tasks, I have absolutely nothing to offer anyone. Not only am I basically useless, but I also have my son who is wonderful and brilliant but has some special needs. I feel like if this man hadn’t strung me along maybe I would have not wasted the last remaining years of having any desirable qualities at all and been able to find someone who actually loved and cared about me in a mutual way and wouldn’t make me feel like a constant burden and failure. All this being said, I am not sure how to go about the information I found while going through the records. Because it’s his medical records, I feel it almost isn’t fair to bring it up or hold it against him and despite the fact that I think my feelings are valid it isn’t valid to dredge it up 6.5 years later. But I also feel like everything came round full circle in terms of possibly confirming his treatment of me vs his treatment of this other person and that he’s never really wanted me and I am just an annoyance to be tolerated. I don’t know what to do. I am conflicted and hurting and would appreciate any advice or input from an outside perspective in regards to feeling like I’m wasting my time, or if I should bring up the info I found regarding his past ambivalence towards our relationship and how it made me feel especially relating to the recent infidelity. I will add, recently he has been better. We went on our first date in many years, it was very nice. He has been less cold and better about not directing his anger at me for everything and has seemingly made attempts to be more affectionate towards me, while not making those efforts feel forced (before if he would hug me, he really made it feel like I was a human disease and did not try to hide the fact he didn’t actually want to, and was just doing it because I asked) and the other day he kissed my cheek randomly which is something he has not done in years. He offered to come with me to my last round of medical testing and even came back into the room with me and held my hand while they were doing the tests. So it does feel like he is trying and putting in effort to show me that he is trying without making me feel like a chore.
TLDR: husband cheated on relationship of 10 years. Recent info from some years back documents his “ambivalence” to the relationship. Should I discuss how it hurt and how it’s making me feel? Or drop it entirely as it’s in the past and irrelevant now?

Stats:

• Unlimited Re-spec
• Wild Spawns Reduced 60%
• Cave building
• Platform Saddle Bounds x2 Max Wild Dino Lvl = 225
• Difficulty Offset 150%
• Tamed Damage 125%
• Wild Damage 125%
• Dino Food Drain 3x
• Wild Torpor Drain 50%
• Passive Tame interval 30%
• Dino Harvest Damage 2x Raid Dino Feeding Enabled
• Baby Dino anyone allowed to Cuddle after Imprint
• Resources respawn 30% faster
• Resouces respawn 50% Closer to player or Building
• 3x Gather Rate
• Crop Growth Speed 50x
• No Structure Collision
• Structure Decay 2x
• Passive Defenses Damage Wild Dinos

​
Per-Level Stat Multiplier's (Pathfinder):

• Health 4x
• Stamina 2.5x
• Oxygen 2x
• Food 2x
• Water 2x
• Temperature 3x
• Weight 10x
• Damage 3x
• Speed 2x
• Crafting 2x

​
Mods:

• Omega
• Primal Fear
• Ark Elemental
• Zytharian Critters
• Ark Eternal & Stacks 10000-90
• Awesome Teleporters & Spyglass!
• Appetizer
• Dino Storage v2
• Structures Plus (S+)
• Castles, Keeps, and Forts: Science Fiction & Remastered
• Better Reusables
• Rideable small Ferox
• Crystal Isles Dino Addition
• akka's Interior Decor
• Craft Skill Potion
• MX-E Ark Shop UI
• More Narcotics & More Tranq-Arrows
• Creature Finder Deluxe
• eco In Wonderland, RP, Garden Decor

​
Ark Regular Cluster:

• Aberration
• Crystal Isles
• Extinction
• Fjordur
• Gen: Part 1 & 2
• Lost Island
• Ragnarok
• Scorched Earth
• The Island
• The Center
• Valguero

​
Ark Omega Cluster:

• Crystal Isles
• Extinction
• Fjordur
• Gen: Part 1 & 2
• Lost Island
• Ragnarok
• Scorched Earth
• The Island
• The Center
• Valguero

​
Ark Primal Fear & Eternal Cluster:

• Aberration
• Crystal Isles
• Extinction
• Fjordur
• Gen: Part 1 & 2
• Lost Island
• Ragnarok
• Scorched Earth
• The Island
• The Center
• Valguero

​
Ark Elemental:

• Aberration
• Extinction
• Gen: Part 2
• Ragnarok
• The Island
• Valguero

​
There are 45 Maps which means I would go over the message limit with ALL the Direct Connects
Go here to join! /gaming-evolved ! To get Direct Connect Links!
https://i.redd.it/66261lhm0gya1.gif

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uhhh.... stay tuned for part 3 I guess.

Watching gifs of people cuddling with horses and cows got me thinking.
I don’t recall any books I’ve read with characters that love their horses, like as a person would a dog. It’s more like how a dude today loves his car and gives it a name but nothing beyond that. No one’s pulled a John Wick for a horse.

I wanted to pay my respects to the thousands of hours of blood, sweat, and tears clearly poured into every frame of this show by doing a deep-dive into the nonverbal communication and facial expressions of our girl Vi.
People have already commented upon her nervous tick of rolling her shoulder in anticipation of pain or violence, but I haven't seen anyone note that this is likely a remnant of a permanent injury she sustained when crushed under a steel door in Act 1.
she probably sustained a comminuted fracture in her right arm; the door has to weigh at least several hundred pounds
she rolls the same shoulder, likely to loosen up the damaged muscles and nerves that never had the chance to properly heal in prison
Arcane has an interesting little strategy for depicting mental vs physical trauma. The characters most severely psychologically wounded from the night at the cannery are actually the ones with the least obvious deformations or scars from the event. Jinx comes out completely unscathed, but her psyche is utterly shattered to pieces by Vi "abandoning" her (aka getting kidnapped and unlawfully imprisoned, but Jinx doesn't see it that way). Vi also doesn't sustain any noticeable external injuries; her pain is entirely internal after watching her father and adopted brothers die brutal deaths before her eyes at the hands of her kid sister. Likewise, the characters who were hardly bothered by the bloodbath come out with the most noticeable physical deformities. Sevika loses an arm and Singed gets half his face blown off, but they're both utterly unphased by the actual events that transpired.
When we do see a profound physical metamorphosis in Vi, it's clearly a product of her time in Stillwater, not a direct outgrowth of the shitshow with Silco. Ironically, the show puts a lot of emphasis on the fact that Vi has hardly changed at all when she's released: still the same compassionate, fiercely loyal, hotheaded and brash young girl we meet in Act 1. She held onto her "good heart" through it all, even though she goes through one of the most dramatic physical transformations out of any of the main cast.
I also wanted to comment on this heartbreaking little moment when she's standing above the Undercity:
look at her shaky little breaths of disbelief and wonder
This is the first time she's felt the sun on her skin and had a breath of fresh air for roughly 7 years. You can see the wonder and trepidation in her eyes, the little shimmer of barely-contained grief, the flare of her nostrils as she breaths in the scent of her home. She doesn't take this breath over the crystal-clear ocean of Piltover; she heads right for the industrial smog of Zaun, because the smell reminds her of home. It's heartbreaking.
Then, of course, we have her first fight with Sevika. Vi has been festering in a frigid prison cell for god-knows-how long, likely replaying the night's events over and over, agonizing over what could have been if she was stronger, smarter, more responsible, if Vander hadn't locked her in the basement, if she hadn't left Powder behind...
I bet that the entire time, she allowed all her despair and grief and trauma to spill over into pure, unadulterated rage at the traitor who abandoned her father when he most needed the support of his people. Is barging into a fight with Sevika the second you're busted out of prison, immediately alerting Silco to your presence and fatally wounding yourself in the process, the smart, calculating thing to do? Of course not! Because Vi isn't thinking rationally; all she can think about is this rat bitch who got her father killed. It's etched into every groove on her face; not just rage, but disgust. And whenever Vi gets this angry, she ends up making brash decisions that put herself and her loved ones in danger. It's her fatal character flaw, entirely understandable under to the circumstances but no less frustrating to behold.
cold, hard fury
RAGE
Now for something a tad more wholesome, if equally as heartbreaking. Vi's eyes filling with tears of disbelief and joy at seeing her sister again.
a barely contained sob
Edit: added a gif of her teary eyes instead of a still image
Vi can hardly believe it; when she first gets up on the platform she's almost frozen with shock. And then immediately her eyes fill with tears and she rushes forward to squeeze Jinx in a tight embrace. She caresses Jinx's cheek, just like when they were kids; pain and relief and regret shimmering in her eyes. She can barely choke out words because she's so consumed with joy at seeing her sister again. And the visual symbolism is spot-on: Vi's bloodstained, wrapped knuckles cradling jinx's face, symbolising the duality of her character: ruthless violence in service of protecting the tender bonds she shares with her loved ones. It's also some of the only tender, nonviolent touch she's had with another human being for the better part of a decade. It's such a beautiful moment in a show marred by tragedy and trauma, so I had to include it here.
Now that we've got all the depressing ones out of the way, let's talk about some silly moments!
I love her flabbergasted expressions whenever she realizes she's in deep shit with Sevika:
Fuck man what is that??
Umm. I might have miscalculated
Well shit.
Plus her adorable overprotective big-sister vibes with Ekko:
\"I'm so glad you're safe.\"
Aaaand obviously absolutely everything with Caitlyn. This little teasing smirk she gives her when they're outside the brothel, noticing Cait's obvious discomfort and clearly reveling in it:
\"Hah! Prudish fucking Piltie.\"
\"Wow. She actually... cares.\"
with quiet wonderment: \"You're defending me? In front of the entire Council?\"
I adore her character so much. She's so painfully human and so deeply flawed, but despite going through absolute hell from the ages of 10 to 21-ish, she manages to stay a kind, loving person with a heart of gold.
You know what I want for Season 2, aside from violent class warfare, political intrigue, and the catastrophic fallout of prolonged wealth stratification between Piltover and Zaun? This poor girl to get some sleep in a soft bed. And clean clothes. And a warm meal. And two seconds to just rest in silence with Caitlyn and talk through all the crazy shit she's endured without immediately being kidnapped or attacked or brutally tortured. I want to see her and Caitlyn hugging, cuddling with tender little touches, having their first kiss, and supporting each other through the tragedy, bloodshed, and death that's in the process of ripping apart the very fabric of their lives.