Hello again!
Actually my head hurts and my back hurts too. Maybe even my heart. I wrote this essay for 2 days straight. It is of better quality than my previous pieces, both in content and style. It's also the longest so I felt an obligation to deliver it as interesting as possible. Extensive essays are pretty tendious, I'm aware but I think I created an insightful and stimulating analysis for a character that doesn't get the attention he deserves. This is not just a hollow phrase, as I claim this essay uncovers unheard of depths of Gorou Amamiya respectively Aqua Hoshino.
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Preamble
In the past we discussed Ruby's genius during her Audition with Frill and Akane. To sum it up: She's acting her whole life as the innocent and pure idol girl Ruby Hoshino but what fuels the encryption of her true self is her traumatized core identity as Sarina which she hides through acting.
Since this identity was passed down to her new life, her trauma was likewise passed down as well and as a result it predispositions her new life's psyche. After the loss of Ai and Gorou she yet again finds herself trapped in a repetitive cycle of her previous trauma of parental abandonment. That's why in her deep reflection during the audition she would overlap Sarina's and Ruby's psychograms seamlessly. It's the same all over again.
We discussed yesterday Gorou as Ruby's father figure while evidently Ai had a function as a mother figure to her (to Sarina actually) - or to be more precise the loss of both as surrogate parential figures associated as dear to her heart people triggered Sarina's trauma of an abandoned child through Ruby again. This in short is the nature of her repetitive traumatic cycle. Sarina-Ruby is acting a smile in both lifes while nobody seems to notice the ugly feelings deep inside her. Even when she had a reverse act coming out at the audition, Frill and Akane wouldn't conceive that these feelings weren't part of her auditional act but actually the naked truth.
However the point of this essay is not to talk about Ruby - although she will certainly be useful - but this time to explore to which extent the predisposition from the past life and the traumatic repetitive cycles are as principles applicable to Aqua in order to gain access into the very dephts of his soul. This will allow us to methodically understand the true nature behind his lately menacing character plot. I swear it's the first time you hear these takes.
In the long run this essay will also substantiate my analysis of Ruby, because if this is applicable to Aqua too then it's fair to say that we uncovered a symmetrical primary structure the Author intended to construct for these twins. (Mirror) Symmetrrial relations are indeed indicated between them on a lot of levels, some essays on this sub discuss that exhaustively.
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So, we established Sarina's traumatic identity to be a predispositional factor for Ruby, vice versa we now have to establish the same for Aqua. It'd be misleading to ignore Gorou's core identity if we want to grasp Aqua's actions - or perhaps even his acting? Aqua too is stuck in a repetitive cycle triggered from his past life's supressed trauma. We will in this essay explore the depths of it like never done before. Eventually we gain a completely different understanding of revenge that actually haunts him more than it does Kamiki.
You kow, the other day I read an essay where the OP would refuse to call Aqua Aqua anymore and instead refers to him now as "Aquamarine" because he/she is apparently mad at his current behaviour. This to me is kinda funny but also instructive because it goes to show a fundamental misunderstanding of his character, which I believe is shared by many people. Be mad at Gorou Amamiya - if you dare - because this would actually be engaging.
However, we will see that he is like Ruby stuck in another repetitive cycle of trauma and the purpose of this essay is to raise awareness while not to excuse him blatantly but to point to the tragic and dramatic nature of his mind and soul. Because at this point it's safe to say that what we currently see is literally what we get. Aqua will not become visibly handsome any time soon. Better aknowledge and comprehend his actions now and save yourself later from phony bitterness, anger and other unreflected undermining reactions. Instead that be bitter and angry with compassion. Because if you don't appreciate his struggle you won't fully grasp the Cathasis that follows, which - under the impression that Aka is cooking some really good stuff - would be a shame. Finally I'm strongly hoping that this essay might enhance some people's future chapter reading experience.
Without further edo lets dive into it.
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Gorou Amamiya
Gorou's core determining trauma is not that easy to grasp on and that's mainly because his cope is vague while his upfront personality apppears mature and he as an individual is also highly functional, both as Gorou and Aqua. He appears to us as a well adjusted middle aged man: He went to the Medical University in Tokyo, dated women sucessfully and eventually became a Doctor and kinda just knows how to handle stuff. He is also a walking encyclopaedia, so feel free to ask him anything!
On the contrary site: Gorou seems to be a loner, an Otaku in denial who lives quite isolated in Japan's rural backwaters. After his study years in Tokyo he moved back to his hometown. We don't know the exact reason why he voluntarily choose this kind of isolation, probably to take care of his grandmother. When he came back to the hospitel as Aqua he referred to his coworkers as "colleagues I was close to" which implies a certain distance and a lack of other related people in the town like for instance actual friends that he would want to meet. After he learned that nobody of his past colleugues work there anymore the "social question" of his past life fizzled out.
The rural working place granted him a lot of free time at the hospital, So he met his emotionally undemanding social life with escapism into Idol-Culture respectively Ai Hoshino. And surely this "quirk" is the first indication that this man doesn't just maintain an introverted but healthy Work-Life-Balance as a doctor but actually tries to cure away some void: A normal man just doesn't scream joyful in a patient's room like a fanatic over an Idol show. This beginning scene doesn't just serves as a quirky comic relief but sets a fundamental tone to his character. A little later the coworking woman in EP 1 wouldn't quite believe his copium about a shared memory with Sarina as the reason for his idolization of Ai. And since he didn't gave her a clear answer if he would or wouldn't date Ai he at the same time disclosed a personal obsession as to be part of his allegedly idealistic and pure motives. We will get back to their conversation later, as we will find out that Gorou was actually honest and righteouss about his claims.
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I know, I know. Still haven't mentioned the elephant in the room:
His dead mother.
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What is Guilt?
When for Ruby the reoccuring event of her traumatic cycle is parental abandonment then for Gorou it is the feeling of guilt "for being born at the expense of his mother" (C75). In other words to feel responsible for her death.
Gorou lost his mother during his birth but he eventually got adopted by his Grandmother who took the role as his mother figure. The fact that he was actually raised by family laid the foundation for a some what functional personality. In fact he for his personal development received maternal love from his grandmother, thus the trauma which he recycled over Ai's death is fundamentally different from Ruby's.
But at the same time... it isn't different at all. Here is the why:
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What is Love?
We found out in the essay about Gorou as Ruby's father-figure that she'd eventually develope a romantic love interest for her father-figure due to the stagnation of her psychological development as part of her inherited "curse" through reincarnation with her trauma. While Ruby's body would mature and develope, likewise Ichigo as a father-surrogat is not present in her life, Sarina's soul would still be bounded to a confused relationship she development during her hospitalization. Sarina's love for Gorou was a childish inmature expression in a phase where the father is the only male person of interest in a young girl's life. But the anxiety to lose a dear father like figure again after she was abandoned by her biological father would also urge her to express a childish romantic interest for her Doctor. If he marries her he can never leave her again. A differentiation and overcoming of this developmental phase didn't happen for Ruby because the memory of Gorou would force herself in a obsessive spiral until she confused herself to desire actual romantic love from him, her father-figure. The playful jokes about marriage when Sarina becomes 16 have turned to a personal life goal of Ruby. When she found out about his death it triggered the trauma of parental abondenment and unleashed all her self-destructive feelings. A death wish that already was present during her life as Sarina and after Ai's death but had been intercepted by Miyako as a new mother and also through the hope and longing for Gorou's acceptance of her - both as Sarina and Ruby, but moreso in Ruby because this confused desire found a fleshed out embodiment in a sexually developed girl's body.
Well and Gorous obsession over the Idol Ai isn't that far off from this. Because what Gorou actually seeks from Ai is unconditional love. The kind of love that isn't just receivable by a surrogate mother but the very personal love that only a biological mother can give to her child in the very early infant stage. In Ai's eyes he would feel a kind of dangerous tease of this deeply hidden desire and while he never actually understood the reason of this longing or even that it's related to a surpressed trauma over his dead mother, he do felt mystically pulled into Ai's realm and felt a glimpse of hope for unconditional "Ai" (Ai when written in Kanji means Love) through her idolization.
But keep in mind that he is a full grown man. He already experienced a mostly sufficient mother figure in his life - the Grandmother. Of course he would never realize what the cause for his troublesome obsession over this teenage girl Ai Hoshino really is about. He eventually developes just as Ruby for Gorou a confusing sexual interest for the "unconditionally loving mother" that he projects onto Ai. Likewise Ruby developed a sexual interest for her idolized father figure Gorou.
Interestlingly enough the chat with his coworker on the roof about Ai fully displayed his confusion. In this scene she was a bit like a therapist, while he would reveal his trauma to her. The irony of course is that neither he nor her realize it: On the one hand he indeed seeks pure and idealistic form of "Ai", unconditional love of a mother for her childt. At the same time it's distorted by his sexual maturity which would try to find fullfillment through romantic and sexual "ressources".
The romantic fantasy is an impuls of the conflicted adult body that carries an infant's hidden wish. An unfulfilled infant lives deep inside of Gorous heart as a surpressed trauma over his mother's death who couldn't give him the most exclusive form of maternal love.
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The Selfish Love
We found the inverted similarity between Ruby's attachment to Gorou and Aqua's attachment to Ai. But it's worth to point out that in relation to Ai - and what I mean by that the quality of the relation Aqua -> Ai vs. Ruby -> Ai - there is a crucial difference in the form of love they want from her and it is mainly rooted in the different developmental phases they both are "stuck" in terms of the form of desired maternity.
Ruby's longing for a mother is transferable. Since she probably received the kind of unconditional love of an infant herself but was only abandoned at a later age when she became sick, Sarina could compensate it with Ai's love and even Miyako's after Ai's death. Ruby was kinda temporarly stabilized since she believed in meeting her idolized father again. It's not like Ai's death hasn't affected her but she is in her longing for maternal love actually more mature than Gorou. I will explain later how. Ai is for Ruby from this point of view "interchangable" just like Marina. But it is a yet to observe in the coming chapters how and when Sarina will "release herself and her mother from the expectation that a mother should love her child" (C119) but to me it seems like Sarina has a solid foundation to overcome this issue through her movie role of Ai.
But what about the kind of love Gorou craves for? Well for once we know that he doesn't seek something transferable because in fact a transfer that could cover the kind of maternal Love Ruby seeks he already received from his Grandmother. He wants the pure, innocent and idealistic love of a mother for his infant, for him it can only be re-created and satisfied in the impossible yet odd realm of supernaturality, A reincarnation as an actual infant with intact memories of his past life in the hands of an actual loving mother. This is the only but also the absolute solution to meet the innocent and pure minded wish of the traumatized infant crying in Gorous heart.
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"When I woke up, I was in heaven [....] for now, I just want to live this baby life to it's fullest"(Chapter 1)

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A normal well adjusted adult would perceive this situation as a nightmare. Being a baby stands in the heaviest contrast to the inherited soul of an adult. "I am a f'cking grown man, goddamit. Why am I a baby? I'm right now the most vulnerable, dependend and defenseless being, this situation absolutely opposes my proven and experienced self identity as a grown up" This is what a normal adult would think and he would hate this unintelligible situation he found himself randomly in. It's basically a curse. Also he would want to go back to his family, friends etc. Gorou on the other hand is a loner and suffers a tragic supressed trauma. So now we beginn to see how all the hings come together. Such a joyful and innocent scene as presented in the Manga has a dark meaning behind it.
To embrace the role of a cute liltte baby with the same joy and happiness it implies an actual desire to do so. To assert that this is yet another casual comic relief scene just to start his interesting journey as a MC misses the point. The plot started when he fanatically cheered up his Idol over the TV of a patients room.
Likewise here and there his personal desire in Ai and "Ai" would blend out the surounding world. Aqua ignores the premise of his reincarnation that he was murdered by Ai's stalker, because he wants to stimulate his deeply supressed desire. Gorou ignores the patient's needed rest when Ai is on TV, because he wants to stimulate the same desire. In relation to Ai Gorou is selfish right from the start. It's a very inmature selfish love towards her as an Idol and a mother, in fact this form of love is the most inmature and selfish love imaginable because it's born from the tragically denied desire of the most vulnerable and inmature human form: The Infant. In fact, that he as a doctor couldn't supresse his selfish will to disturb a resting patient was a pivotal moment to prelude the great lengths this desire would go to experience stimulation. His behaviour as Ai's baby is a derivation and the purest and most innocent enbodiment. Because this time it's materialized in the body of an actual infant. Gorou has become the human flesh of the traumatically supressed infant's desire living in his heart.
Gorou at this point is absolutely unwilling to give up the situation he found himself in. The infant has completely taken over the adult's mind. At one point he would even thank the culprit and ompletely misjudge the actual situation they are in. This - for such a reasonable and smart but apparently selfless man like Gorou - is astonishing to say the least. In relation of it's meaning in terms of trauma and hidden desire it's comprehensible.
The infant's longing is the most fragile form of love imaginable. If it misses it's chance it's all over again. It only came into life through an absolutely impossible miracle. This selfish little desire, for a long time well hidden as a surpressed trauma, feed by escapism in Idol-Culture, will do anything to blockade interferring reason. The reasonable adult Gorou is completely cut off.
The adult Gorou who's identity as an dedicated professional who is willing to go to great lengths to support his patients while rolling back his personal gain. The adult Gorou that for once let his selfish wish take advantage. This adult Gorou will end with the corpse of his mother in his hands.
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The Reenactment of a Tragedy
"Unconditional love" - it should be pure and innocent yet it becomes the very reason for his self-destroying malicous decades long torture and agony.
With the death of Ai Aqua for the first time conscioussly witnesses what until then was just a deeply hidden ugly non-verbalized traumatic experience. Before Ai's death Gorou never realized the existence of it, let alone the depths of it nor how it affects his personality structure.
But now while he is the accomplice witness of an unfolding nightmare - with the heart of an infant and the brain of an adult - the surpressed trauma actually has a real reenactment...
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"I could never forget... The rusted metal-like smell of her blood penetrating my nostrils. Nor could I forget how the warmth slowly left her hand" (C51)

https://preview.redd.it/3hv2m50vxr2b1.jpg?width=1481&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=7842bc1ac0945aab5149c505fd719c6139ca4370
This is probably the most impactful moment of self-realization in the Manga in terms of Gorou's psyche. Yes, Gorou's. These words reflect the core traumatic experience of Gorou's birth that was reenacted by Ai's death. This is not about Aqua and his roleplay as the Son of Ai Hoshino and it's certainly not the trauma of a fan who lost his favorite Idol.
These are the words of a newborn that could never forget the rusted metal-like smell of his mother's blood penetrating his nostrils. Nor could he forget how the warmth slowly left her hand. Can you imagine what he's actually describing her? How his mother was slowly bleeding out and dies while she was holding her newborn in her arms?
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Postpartum bleeding or postpartum hemorrhage is often defined as the loss of more than 500 ml or 1,000 ml of blood following childbirth.
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They were alone, Gorou was exposed to his dying mother until her last gasp. This shocking tragic accident describes the first moments of his early life as a horrifying Dispair.
And we can immediately see, that Ai's death scene was personally ment for Gorou. It's not a coincidence that Ruby would by shielded behind the milky glassed door while Aqua would be exposed to the fullest with all his senses. It's because the repetitive cycle of his personal trauma was ment to unfold exclusively to him. In the closed door that shields Ruby also symbolizes the earlier expressed maturity of Ruby's seek for maternal love. This little physical gap and the muffled visual and audible senses are a quintessential symbolization of the difference in the form of love Ruby and Aqua seek and quintessential to the importance of the circumstances of her death to each of them.
Likewise Ruby's discovery of Gorou's corpse as a triggering event of her personal trauma through the guidance of the crow was exclusively ment for her to experience. Aqua was "excluded" in the sense that he wouldn't recognize how important that corpse is to Ruby because then it would be immanent that they know each other, which at that point is not in the god's interest.
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Now you might ask yourself: Okay, but why wasn't his desire fullfilled after some time, for example after he passed by the biological infant state? Why would he crave for this kind of love for years until her death? After some time he should have come to his senses and tell her about the danger, right? And why would he still follow her idol performances as a dedicated fan when we established that the idolization was only a surrogat expression of Gorou Amamiyas surpressed desire?
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The Reenactment of True Love
Gorou and Ai share a common goal. Ai wants to unconditionally love somebody and Gorou wants unconditionally to be loved. The reincarnation of Gorou as Ai's son sets the framework for a realization of both wishes.
The unconditonality of Ai's devotion that Gorou seeks from her as a mother isn't fullfilled. He early on realized through the performances he would witness as Aqua on TV that she looks at the camera and her fans with the same eyes and smile as she does at her kids. The purely physical devotion of a mother that takes care of her children like bathing them appears to him as an mechanized act, her mere obligation as a legal guardian. it's like "shaking hands" with a Fan after the idol concert. "Lies are an exceptional form of Love" she said to Gorou on the roof top (btw why is everyone opening up on that roof top, is it really like a therapist session whenever somebody enters it :)) thus he suspect she's acting towards her children the same way like towards her fans. Sure, a normal child wouldn't be that suspicious but Aqua is still a grown man and fully grasps the artificiality of his role as particular Ai's son. Eventually after all those years Aqua would still crave for an actual true expression of unconditional love that is exclusive to him. And Ai still was trying to love somebody but was yet too scared to express it to her children.
Now we can see why he would persist on his role as her son and supersede the danger of the culprit who killed him. For years he would ignore it because for years he was still crave for his desired love.
Just the fact of being supernaturally pushed to be her son wasn't fullfilling the desire of the infant at all, since deception and a lie is the core of this relationship. He would naturally jump back to old habits and absorb more love from the Idol Ai Hoshino over TV. But when Miyako took the twins to her concert and their cute dance triggered Ai's most sincere maternal smile it was actually a great moment of hope for Aqua.
This whole thing with the smile was pretty instructive. Because as you recall Ai was during ego-surfing reading the opinion of a fan who said her smile and expression wouldn't be convincing at all. Well I can't prove that this anonymous poster was Aqua himself but for the point I want to make lets just assume that it exactly articulates the impression Aqua shares with the poster. They both think that she lacks convincing emotionality "on stage" - a mysterious expression because for Aqua who is roleplaying this mother-son-relation it's also as observing her "on stage" at home. And his expectation as a child towards a mother is as obsessive as the expectation of a fan towards his favorite idol.
Unfortunately he gets "betrayed" (or maybe not, I will elabore later) because a little after Ai found this new and wonderful smile she would mechanize the same expression on stage for her fans, thus it lost the unconditional intimate character which should be exclusive between a mother and her child. Ai is the best and most ruthless liar of all time.
At the same time - lets entertain that he in fact was the anonymous poster - Aqua still has a lot of selflessness at his core personality, especially as he grows up, more of the upfront "Gorou" comes out again. It's not odd to assume that he really wanted to help Ai in her development as an famous Idol. I actually like this idea a lot and it's coherent with the type of Guy Gorou/Aqua outside of his very personal desire is: A carrying fine guy who genuinely wants the best for the people he feels close to.
Chronologically it also makes sense. She was holding Aqua on her lap and was complaining about the little money she makes. She was frustated and felt stuck. She said she wants to provide for her family. Then she went to her dance lessons and there she would sit down with her phone and read that message about her smile. Aqua could have predicted that she would ego-surf and therefore posted that tweet. Later on the concert Aqua and Ruby would reveal the "star power" that can influence others. A mirroring "star power" influence Aqua would perform on Kana's first idol concert when she exactly like Ai had trouble to express the sincere smile and joy.
On top of that the apparent "push" of Aqua has a certain providing husband-like character to it. Ai says she wants to provide for the family. In the end it's Aqua's interferrence that supported her wish. In this moment he acted the identity of Gorou the doctor when he was looking out for her best interests as a pregnant woman, a bit like a loving and carrying husband.
In a a future contrasting juxtaposition fine moments like this will help Aqua to realize that the amount of guilt he feels for her death is exaggerated and unfair since he genuinly was also looking after her even as her child. And of course we all remember his influence on Gotanda after she was cut out of his movie.
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Gorou's core determining trauma is not that easy to grasp and that's because it's coded as emotional raw data into his subconsciousness. There is another very important trauma at the core which prevents him from realizing the importance of that love that was finally granted to him in Ai's last moments. He didn't realize that this was an sincere reenactment of true love his dying mother gave him after his birth. This frame in the anime gives it basically away: Her hair like the hair after an extremely painful deadly birth. She is all sweaty, exhausted and anemic but also the truely happiest woman she ever was. It's like saying: There is no point of feeling guilty, I'm so glad I gave birth to you, my son. I love you...
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https://preview.redd.it/6veu0yctbs2b1.jpg?width=1280&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=0883f041277110fc0fadca5c8290e63c2ea72e4f
And is there even any base for guilt at all? The chapter "What is Guilt" in this essay turned out to be the shortest one. It's maybe also the grand tragicirony of Aka's story. "Guilt" and revenge for it's sake occupy Aqua's entire purpose in life, yet it has the most fragile irrational foundation, born from trauma and self-misunderstanding. One final thought: It's also not forgiveness. The kind of love that Gorous mother expressed for him after her birth wasn't forgiveness as it implies guilt. No, she is simply happy and unconditonally loved her son. He is not guilty.
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The next chapter in PART II will be called "The Reeactment of Violence" and in this we will find hidden links between Gorou's trauma with a father-figures in his life, the missing father who impregnated his mother but wouldn't provide for him, how this is reflected on Kamiki but also expressed in Aqua's husband-like behaviour towards Ai, but also his poisoned relationship to his Grandfather and how all of this comes together on the scenery of Ai's murder. And much more....

1. #Dad PROS: takes me to doctor when needed without week delays, will spend money on me, is on time when picking me up from school or other things, if I need something he will usually buy it for me, I get to be with my pet cat, doesn't make me feel guilty for asking for things like new shoes, floss, food etc.

CONS: emotinally abusive, manipulative, narcissist, says thing like I am worthless, loser brat etc. Doesn't really love me, treats me like a maid, house is always messy/never clean, has a dog that is not trained that bites and jumps (ruins clothes),only eat out and box fries + nuggets, yells about politics to me for hours and doesn't let me leave, passive aggressive.I haven't been to his house for almost half a year. I have attempted suicide before due to him.

1. #Mom PROS: Nice when she's not grumpy, buys me things but usually makes me feel bad about it, nice neighbors, I don't feel uncomfortable around her most of the time.

CONS: Yelling fits telling everyone in the house that we shouldn't live there, does drugs secretly and is horrible at hiding it, leaves with het boyfriend randomly at night leaving me at home with a 13, 11 and 10yo, is always late to picking me up for things by about 30min-1hr, sleeps in every day, drinks lots, off from work for the last couple months, refuses to buy fan in 30c weather, house is always messy, never gets anything done, doesn't register me in anything, doesn't take me to doctor, I have to ask for months before she makes an appointment, makes me feel bad for asking for bare necessities, doesn't commit to anything, unreliable, bad advice, breaks things sometimes when she's mad, we fight almost every day

1. #Auntie & Uncle# not really sure about this option... PROS: Healthy living like daily walks, healthy eating, clean house, good relationship, good living conditions. They're nice to me, I like them, have normal jobs, they're emotionally available,

CONS: They live in a different city than my current one that is 6 hours away, new school, (I have social anxiety), leaving the city I've spent my whole life in, I'll probably lose my relationship with my friend I've known since I was 4 and care deeply about, feeling guilt because I know having a kid was not in their life plan, being away from my other Auntie in my current city that I'm close with who has terminal cancer, leaving my siblings.
Honestly I'm a really shy person and a pushover. I stayed with them for a week and "we" made plans that I will be returning in the summer and getting a part-time job. I don't know if I want to follow through with that.. I don't know if they can handle someone like me who is so sick mentally compared to them. I'm a kid who comes from a messed up home, school, neighborhood and city vs their "tv like" home and family. When I'm with relatives I'm really helpful and happy looking (which is how I acted with them for the week I stayed.) I'm scared that if I stay with them they'll see my real lazy, ugly, and sick personality.
Sorry this post is everywhere, and doesn't have a lot of details or is well written. I really need help making a choice but I have literally no one to help me make this decision. I know the 3rd option is best for me. But it's really hard to decide on my own to leave everything in my life I've known including my family. If anyone wants to ask me questions about anything go ahead..

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I was there this year and last year. I can confidently say this years lack of crowd reaction wasn’t the crowds fault. The card was weak.
The Hardy’s got this off on a bad foot. The whole match sucked. Jeff and Matt need to retire. They should’ve just had Hook vs Ethan page.
The battle royal was a mess. We didn’t notice there was actual rules to the fight till half way. You had wrestlers laying on the outside, others jumping off the top rope. The first half it appeared to be a basic brawl. A normal battle royal would’ve been better. Build up the tension. Ricky Starks had the biggest pops. He should’ve won.
Cole vs Jericho. Nobody was invested in this story. The lights out was a bad idea. Should been a normal match. Best part of the match was Britt running in. I think everyone is tired of Jericho making himself the lead in every story.
FTR is a solid tag team. They aren’t flashy and the do everything very well. So pairing them with a even older version of that was a bad idea. They should only wrestle young talent that has more energy, not less.
Cage vs Wardlow had no tension. It had a couple high spots. But overall was just boring.
Women’s title was short due to injury. Also again another screwy match. So much outside interference. The feeling I the crowd was we just wanted a normal match. This started off bad with the Hayter entrance.
At this point I just wanted a normal match with no outside interference.
House of Black vs the acclaimed finally got us into it. We finally got a normal match. The crowd was really into it.
Jade vs Taya. The crowd was into this match as well. Jade got a bigger pop then I expected. Having Kris win was also cool. The crowd was totally into all of it.
Then the pillars match killed the vibe. Nobody wants to watch 3 phantom weights wrestle for the world title. In person these guys are noticeably tiny. They also aren’t ready for the title and it’s obvious. MJF really is way better then all of them. This storyline shouldn’t have happened. This is something they should’ve done on dynamite.
Anarchy in the arena was better and worse then last year. Last year told a better story. Eddy coming out bloody was just awesome. At least this year they kept it in the ring more.

This is my first week reflecting on what I did and learnt within the last week and writing it online.
​
Why Am I doing this?
There are quite a few reasons, so I am going to list them here:

• I'm a lil bitch and feel a lot of resistance to posting content online and expressing my mind to others about what I know (who would want to hear what I Actually have to say?). Today I was feeling down and especially resistant, so I decided to take action when it was the hardest; this seems like the right thing to do, even though I kinda hate it. I've learnt that pain is growth, and I feel a decent amount of pain doing this, so I am doing this to break through fears and develop. I need to get over this perfectionism and self-sabotage somehow.
• I want to help and educate people. When going through my darkest moments I had nobody to guide me; I want to be the person I wish I had - The person that provides knowledge, hope, and clarity within those moments to thousands (if not millions) of people.
• I want to improve my writing ability and turn it into a career. I am still figuring things out, but I'm pretty sure I want to make writing online and content creation a consistent habit/hobby. I know that I can make something formidable out of it, it's just sticking to it and becoming better.
• I'm just experimenting a bit y'know?

I get a fat amount of self-sabotage when I start trying to create things and make something of myself. I go into hyper-perfectionism-I-cant-do-this-im-not-good-enough-its-prob-a-waste-of-time mode. It sucks, but I think this will help cure it.
This shit aint gonna be perfect... and my perfectionist's brain hates that! But that's the point. So be it if I am f*cking awful for a few weeks or months. I need to understand and apply the fact that imperfection refined to excellence is 100000x better than trying to initially achieve perfection.
​
What will these Journals include?
It will include:

1. briefly how my week went
2. some discoveries and cool stuff I figure out about my brain.
3. 3-4 high-value things that I learnt
4. 2-3 things that are holding me back or blocking me that I will overcome the following week(s)
5. What I hope to achieve for the following week
6. Some other lil things like what book I am reading and what I am learning from it, a quote for the week, etc.

​
Why should you read any of this or care?
Maybe you shouldn't!
Although this goal is mainly to help people through what I've learnt and the patterns I pick up on, there is also a selfish aspect. I am using this as a means to overcome fears and improve my ability to create content.
I think I have a lot to offer, a bunch of valuable things to teach, and a desire to help people. This seems like a good place to start.
​
So, who tf am I?
I am someone who is probably not too dissimilar to you, in that I am someone that's: trying to be better, always aiming to improve, trying to be a good person, and trying to live a pretty decent life. I also love CBT, and I'm not talking about therapy.
I suffered from severe mental health issues 3-4 years ago that pushed me into a self-improvement state of mind. For the past 1-2 years now, I've been dedicated to improving myself both physically and mentally. This journal is a result of what I have learnt and what I am still learning.
I journal every day (on paper), meditate, work out, and do all the other stuff that we self-improvement neeks bang on about. I'm particularly interested in psychology and how it applies to improving yourself, plus examining what the greatest paradigms are for successful people and applying them to myself. I am also learning to play the guitar and recently picked up Muay Thai.
​
What are my plans for the future?
In terms of the journal, I plan to keep posting a weekly review consistently for the foreseeable future. Every other experiment I've done like this I've accomplished, so I do not doubt that I will keep to this discipline.
In terms of other goals for myself, I'd rather keep them to myself for now. Not because I don't have any or because of a fear of failure (though maybe I subconsciously do, who knows?), but rather because I don't want the dopamine rush associated with just saying what I want to achieve.
Every other day or so I aim to write a few nuggets of wisdom that I want to teach other people on this sub. This will provide value to others while also helping me find my voice a bit.
I want to be able to come back to this post in 1 month and cringe at how weird or bad my writing was lmfao. That way I'll know that I've made progress.
​

Ok, now let's finally get onto how my week went.

​
How did my week go (22/05 - 28/05)?
Pretty good to be honest! I did three main things that I was putting off a lot and resisting:

1. I did my first Muay Thai session, and have my next one already booked
2. I went swimming to change up my fitness routine
3. I created my vision board and daily-reading document

This is also the third week of sticking to my daily disciplines (reading, journalling, meditating, playing the guitar, and reading).
I finished reading "The Magic Of Thinking Big" which is a goated book, by the way. Additionally, I finished my counselling course which is kinda cool.
I've started writing affirmations and reminders on my wall like a psychopath to try and rewire my thinking. I have felt happier and better since doing this to a surprising degree, even though it feels like something only a cringe lord would do. Hell, maybe I am cringe. I guess I gotta own it!
Overall, I felt proud and happy with myself for starting Muay Thai and doing some of the things I resisted. There was still a lot I didn't do, but it was better than doing nothing.
​
Most Valuable things I learnt:

1. I do not deserve to feel confident or motivated; I have to earn these feelings through action and feedback.
2. Success is achieved by creating something imperfect and consistently iterating it until you make it perfect. Perfection is a scam and the killer of action.
3. I do not know how to fight and I'd probably get f*cked if I ever got into one.
4. You should treat your thoughts with the utmost respect; they are the only things that you truly possess, and the only things that dictate your behaviours.

I spent a lot of time teaching myself about biohacking and psychology the past week, which is pretty gnarly if I'm being honest. Reprogramming my mind is what I am currently set out to do because my mind is a little (okay, maybe more than a little) bit screwed up.
​
What's currently holding me back:

1. Overthinking everything, trying to perfect, and learning every detail of something before I commit to it. I should instead learn about something when it is a present problem.
2. Treating fear as a negative emotion, when in reality it is the most positive thing you can experience if your goal is to improve. Fear, I have found, is the only signal for huge potential growth.
3. Being inconsistent with my routine

My brain is a menace; it knows exactly how to stop me from doing something by employing a form of self-sabotage. I give into it too easily and attach too much emotion to trivial things.
​
My plans for next week
Continue with my daily disciplines, attend another Muay Thai class, and write on here some more. I will get set up on another website where I can write some more content as well to help me improve.
I will take violent action when I feel resistance instead of cowering away and giving in to the anxiety that I feel.
Right now my main goal is to maintain the momentum I have and not overwhelm myself, which I have managed to do 10+ times in the past (that's not an exaggeration).
​
A Quote for the week that I liked:

When are you going to start expecting the best from yourself?

I'm currently reading "Discourses" by Epictetus, to which the above quote is attributed, and "Writing Tools" by Roy Peter Clark. Still, quite early on in both, so not much to say. Enjoying Discourses a lot so far. I resonate with it a lot.
​
Anything else?
Yes! There is a lot more I want to write about, but I am going to stop here for now. I don't want to overcomplicate it. I will make it better in the future.
​
Have a wonderful week!

Therapy notes 3
Talked briefly about how being medicated for adhd has improved my life.
Told her all about the fighting wife and I have been doing, revolving around our sex life(or lack thereof) and my porn use and masturbation instead. W’s recent adoption of passive aggression and attempted manipulation to try to get sex, which has had the opposite effect(huge turn off)
Briefly talked about
Action points:
talk with her about reducing codependent behaviors(try doing things yourself before asking me to do them.) -will be talking about establishing and maintaining boundaries at next appt.
Talk to her about how her manipulative behaviors are not productive and make me want to not sleep with her even more. *edit: had this conversation that evening and it went well. Expressed again that her history of overreacting over even the smallest constructive criticism had reinforced the feeling that I feel like I’m not able to share anything of the sort with her. I didn’t tell her of my concerns that I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get over that wall, to be able to trust her to not lash out at me after that being the case for the last 10 years.
Things I forgot to say, or want to say next time:
Thank her for telling me about her history with the church, and recent experience of feeling judged for being a single parent when she tried to attend after moving to the area.
She made a comment about my having been thinking hard about things for a long time, including the nature of my religious teaching as a teenager being rooted in the idea of putting gods will above my needs. Share the correlation that the psych had drawn from those beliefs resonating to my childhood experiences of parents chastising me for having any thoughts that contradicted what they thought or what they had taught to be “morally right” (I.e. lining up with their religious ideologies,) and how that invalidations(my words) of my thoughts have stunted my ability to feel and show emotion in a normal or healthy way, as it taught me that emotions get punished and the way to stay ‘safe’ was to maintain baseline emotionally. This has been further reinforced and exacerbated by w’s invalidations and outbursts, that I can’t share how I feel or what I think because doing so will result in blowback. This is another reason that I think it may be easier to start over, because I have FAR less [anxiety; fear of judgement, abandonment, or blowback or invalidation] sharing my thoughts with other people that I have a rapport with than I do with her. i guess, I feel safer sharing things with almost anyone else than I do with her.
All I do is think and overthink everything lol.
I had mentioned this time that I feel I’m better suited to keep up the house than she is (and she’s also more likely to be able to find a place to stay for a bit.) this belief stems from the thought occurring to me that if I left, she would likely be MASSIVELY overwhelmed with all of the things that need done, whereas if she left, almost nothing would change, as far as the number of responsibilities on my plate go. I think it may raise my stress level slightly, but would more than be balanced out by not having to tiptoe in day to day life. Not to mention I imagine it may be less stressful knowing they’re all on my plate to begin with rather than sharing the responsibilities with someone else but then defaulting half of them to me when something is already past due.
My biggest fear in regards to separating is finding out(or realizing) in 2-3 years that everything would have been fine if I would have just done the work to reset boundaries and portray confidence in myself to maintain them and rebuke unjustified invalidation. I just don’t know if new trust in the same person can be built high enough to surmount the mountain of previous trauma caused by them.
W has been medicated for 2 years for anxiety. She realized her words were harmful in September. Right around the time I called her out for biting my head off at work in front of Kelly.
W and I had several conversations since last session. She’s okay with masturbation, just not in conjunction with porn because she feels it devalues our shared sex life(fair, I suppose) and entrances her insecurities and feelings of inadequacy. She is open to watching porn together(weird). I told her I’m game but she has to be in the driver seat, because last time she was shown what I was watching, she shamed me for it. She insisted that she wants me to lead because I have more experience(I guess?) and that she was a different person then. She is, but this still absolutely feels like a trap. She’s also watches porn and masturbated a couple times since our talk to get back at me. She says she feels like I took away her opportunity to explore those avenues because she was following the rules that she assumed for so long that we both had “agreed” to. (I had told her a couple days prior of our “agreement that being the non confrontational person that I am that I would have agreed to anything to make those discussions stop. I informed her that I actually stopped for less than a year.)
She has a friend with a very similar upbringing to us who had also been having issues with her husband being uninterested in having sex since she had their baby. Similar situation, husband watching porn and taking care of himself, her being frustrated and insecure. What she and w had discussed was that he isn’t interested in her because she doesn’t look like a pornstar, and w assumes that I follow the same rationale, (instead of the truth, that every time we sleep together I felt increasingly ensnared, because I’m not happy and don’t want to be together.) I am very glad that she has someone to talk to besides our coworkers, though.
Vacation was good. Relaxing. On the last day before we headed home she was talking about how we had one more day with just us. Then asked “do you like me enough to want to spend another day with just the two of us?” I sighed and told her that I wish she’d stop asking questions like that(clarified to specify asking if I like her… etc.) but agreed it would’ve been nice if we had one more day with no predetermined plans or structure before heading back home. These questions are so draining. She apologized and said it’s just her insecurities showing through.
The day after we got back from vacation coworker asked me if it was a good trip, and how it was being around her for that long. I told her it was fine, that there really wasn’t that much time with just the two of us. She asked if we’re still going through it. I said “oh yes, definitely.” We hadn’t talked about it since last summer, when she asked what I was going to do about not being happy and I told her nothing yet.
I haven’t told her about my urology referral yet.

I came across the post 2019 Fantasy Bingo Card Using Eurovision Songs (yes, seriously) by u/improperly_paranoid and as it is still Eurovision month, despite Eurovision 2023 ending 2 weeks ago I was curious to see if I could make this work for the Bingo 2023 card and Eurovision 2023 songs because it seemed like fun.
For those not in the know, Eurovision is an annual song contest where participating countries send an entry to compete for the opportunity to host the competition the following year and show off about their culture, it's a lot of fun, very camp and participating countries get to vote for the results. This year for the first time voting was expanded to non participating countries such as: the United States, Canada, Kosovo, Luxembourg, New Zealand, Mexico, Hungary, Slovakia, UAE, Turkey, and Chile. This interval performance of Love Love Peace Peace should give you a better idea of what it is all about. Eurovision often has fantastical elements, such as a woman floating in space above the Earth, an inflating lightning dress, not to mention funky video game inspired entries, and even a stick figure imaginary friend.
I think I've made my point, anyway if anyone doesn't know what Fantasy Bingo is then check it out! It's a yearly challenge to encourage diversifying your reading, I had a lot of fun with it last year and the community aspect is great for gathering ideas for themed cards, asking about if a book fits and seeing what everyone recommends.
Rule 1: Once a country has been used for a square it cannot be reused
Rule 2: Only songs and performers from Eurovision 2023 are eligible

Now, the Squares.

First Row
Title with a Title: Future Lover - Brunette (Armenia), although Queen of Kings would also work here I need it for...
Superheroes: Queen of Kings - Alessandra (Norway), I mean look at that cape! If she isn't a superhero I don't know who is.
Bottom of the TBR: I Wrote A Song - Mae Muller (United Kingdom), Mae performed as the final act in the Grand Final so was literally the performance we'd been waiting for the longest. Alternatively Luxembourg, who are returning to the competition in 2024 after a 30 year absence.
Magical Realism: Bridges - Alika (Estonia), a piano that plays itself.
Young Adult: Breaking My Heart - Reiley (Denmark), very bright and feels like it has a younger target audience.
​
Second Row
Mundane Jobs: Who the Hell is Edgar? - Teyas & Salena (Austria), about singers and a dead writer ghostwriting.
Published in the 00s: What They Say - Victor Vernicos (Greece), okay obviously none of these songs are published in the 00s because that goes against Eurovision rules, however singer songwriter Victor is 16 years old...Yes this is an age joke, he's the youngest singer in the competition this year and he was born in the 00s. Plenty of other contestants for this year are born in the 2000s as well, including Brunette.
Angels and Demons: Blood & Glitter - Lord of the Lost (Germany), no blatant angel/demon iconography this year so I had to stretch the definition a bit, with this song embodying the notion that everyone has both angelic and demonic characteristics. Serbia's song does namedrop the Devil, but I need that song for later.
Five Short Stories: Flag Parade featuring short live performances from previous highly successful Ukrainian acts, showcasing the history of Ukraine in Eurovision interspersed with UK songs due to the UK hosting on behalf of Ukraine.
Horror: Like An Animal - Piqued Jacks (San Marino), this song might come the closest to straight up horror this year because of the lyrical content, alternatively this staging may qualify Romania's entry for this square.
​
Third Row
Self-Published: Carpe Diem - Joker Out (Slovenia), as far as I could tell only this song and Future Lover - Brunette (Armenia) are self-published this year.
Set in SWANA Country: Tell Me More - TuralTuranX (Azerbaijan), this source explicitly mentions Armenia and Azerbaijan.
Published in 2023: Promise - Voyager (Australia), this is a freebie since they are all published in 2023. Check it out, this band knows how to put on a show.
Multiverse/Alternate Realities: Eaea - Blanca Paloma (Spain), again I'm stretching a bit here, but this song does have a very otherworldly feel to it.
POC Author: Heart of Steel - TVORCHI (Ukraine), Jimoh Kehinde was born in Nigeria.
​
Fourth Row
Book Club or Readalong: Cha Cha Cha - Käärijä (Finland), the song everyone is watching on youtube, it currently has the most views of all the live performances of the 2023 show, with 15 million views.
Novella: Mama ŠČ! - Let 3 (Croatia), the shortest song this year according to youtube. Also Croatia did get to the Grand Final, but their semi-final performance video on youtube is shorter for some reason.
Mythical Beasts: Unicorn - Noa Kirel (Israel), it's even HM
Elemental Magic: Break A Broken Heart - Andrew Lambrou (Cyprus), the most elemental mage in Eurovision 2023, we get a waterfall, rain and fire. Shoutouts to Romania for their firey performance and Georgia and Estonia for their water iconography.
Myths and Retellings: Soarele şi Luna - Pasha Parfeni (Moldova), use of multiple folklore characters with the lyrics written by Pasha's wife Yuliana about a beautiful marriage, you could definitely argue this is a retelling of their own love story.
​
Fifth Row
Queernorm Setting: Because of You - Gustaph (Belgium), a camp song described by Gustaph as "an ode to the queer community".
Coastal or Island Setting: Solo - Blanka (Poland), features a coastal background.
Druids: Power - Diljá (Iceland), she's got plant powers.
Featuring Robots: Samo mi se spava - Luke Black (Serbia), a lot of video game iconography, very moody atmosphere and a big robot boss to fight. TVORCHI's Heart of Steel also fits here.
Sequel: Tattoo - Loreen (Sweden), a surprising amount of songs work for sequel, as we had 6 returning performers from previous Eurovisions/Junior Eurovision including Pasha Parfeni (Moldova), Marco Mengoni (Italy), Monika Linkytė (Lithuania), Gustaph (Belgium), Iru (Georgia). But Loreen fits best here, as she returns from winning Eurovision 2012 with Euphoria to win again in Eurovision 2023. Making her the second person to win Eurovision twice.
With a few stretches to make a Bingo challenge meant for books work for songs, it sort of worked. How about that.

The Magician’s Elephant is a 2023 American computer-animated fantasy adventure film directed by Wendy Rogers, written by Martin Hynes and produced by Julia Pistor. Based on the 2009 novel of the same name by Kate DiCamillo, the film features the voices of Noah Jupe, Mandy Patinkin, Natasia Demetriou, Benedict Wong, Miranda Richardson and Aasif Mandvi. Animated by Animal Logic, the film was distributed by Netflix on March 17, 2023.
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follows Peter, who is searching for his long-lost sister. When he crosses paths with a fortune teller in the market square, he want to know, is his sister still alive? To get the answer, he must find a mysterious elephant and the magician who will conjure it, setting Peter off on a journey to complete three seemingly impossible tasks that will change the face of his town.
On August 17, 2009, 20th Century Fox announced that Martin Hynes would adapt a novel titled The Magician’s Elephant, which was yet to be released, into a feature film.
On December 15, 2020, after languishing into development hell for a number of years, it was announced that Pistor had taken the property to Netflix who acquired the film rights to the book and screenplay to develop the animated feature film, with Animal Logic working on the animation. In the same announcement, Noah Jupe, Benedict Wong, Pixie Davies, Sian Clifford, Brian Tyree Henry, Mandy Patinkin, Miranda Richardson, Cree Summer, and Lorraine Toussaint were all cast to star in the film.
Now Is The Magician’s Elephant available to stream? Is watching The Magician’s Elephant on Disney Plus, HBO Max, Netflix, or Amazon Prime? Yes, we have found an authentic streaming option/service. A 1950s housewife living with her husband in a utopian experimental community begins to worry that his glamorous company could be hiding disturbing secrets.
Showcase Cinema Warwick you’ll want to make sure you’re one of the first people to see it! So mark your calendars and get ready for a The Magician’s Elephant movie experience like never before. of our other Marvel movies available to watch online. We’re sure you’ll find something to your liking. Thanks for reading, and we’ll see you soon! The Magician’s Elephant is available on our website for free streaming. Details on how you can watch The Magician’s Elephant for free throughout the year are described
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The Magician’s Elephant Release in the US
The Magician’s Elephant hits theaters on January 14, 2023. Tickets to see the film at your local movie theater are available online here. The film is being released in a wide release so you can watch it in person.
How to Watch The Magician’s Elephant for Free?release on a platform that offers a free trial. Our readers to always pay for the content they wish to consume online and refrain from using illegal means.
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Where to Watch The Magician’s Elephant?
There are currently no platforms that have the rights to Watch The Magician’s Elephant Movie Online.MAPPA has decided to air the movie only in theaters because it has been a huge success.The studio , on the other hand, does not wish to divert revenue Streaming the movie would only slash the profits, not increase them.
As a result, no streaming services are authorized to offer The Magician’s Elephant Movie for free. The film would, however, very definitely be acquired by services like Funimation , Netflix, and Crunchyroll. As a last consideration, which of these outlets will likely distribute the film worldwide?
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Is The Magician’s Elephant on Netflix?
The streaming giant has a massive catalog of television shows and movies, but it does not include ‘The Magician’s Elephant.’ We recommend our readers watch other dark fantasy films like ‘The Witcher: Nightmare of the Wolf.’
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Is The Magician’s Elephant on Crunchyroll?
Crunchyroll, along with Funimation, has acquired the rights to the film and will be responsible for its distribution in North America.Therefore, we recommend our readers to look for the movie on the streamer in the coming months. subscribers can also watch dark fantasy shows like ‘Jujutsu Kaisen.’
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Is The Magician’s Elephant on Hulu?
No, ‘The Magician’s Elephant’ is unavailable on Hulu. People who have a subscription to the platform can enjoy ‘Afro Samurai Resurrection’ or ‘Ninja Scroll.’
Flight Attendants Notice This About You the Moment You Sit Down
Is The Magician’s Elephant on Amazon Prime?
Amazon Prime’s current catalog does not include ‘The Magician’s Elephant.’ However, the film may eventually release on the platform as video-on-demand in the coming months.fantasy movies on Amazon Prime’s official website. Viewers who are looking for something similar can watch the original show ‘Dororo.’
Finally Legal "The Best Pain Reliever" Now Available In New York
When Will The Magician’s Elephant Be on Disney+?
The Magician’s Elephant, the latest installment in the The Magician’s Elephant franchise, is coming to Disney+ on July 8th! This new movie promises to be just as exciting as the previous ones, with plenty of action and adventure to keep viewers entertained. you’re looking forward to watching it, you may be wondering when it will be available for your Disney+ subscription. Here’s an answer to that question!
Finally Legal "The Best Pain Reliever" Now Available In New York
Is The Magician’s Elephant on Funimation?
Crunchyroll, its official website may include the movie in its catalog in the near future. Meanwhile, people who wish to watch something similar can stream ‘Demon Slayer: Kimetsu no Yaiba – The Movie: Mugen Train.’

Contrary to what everyone believed it looks like the trailers were barely pre-animated if at all. Everyone thought none of the footage in the first trailer would be used and that all of it was different from how the end product would look.
Specifically the red sky was a thing people thought was unfinished and they would complete the background later. But seems like the red sky is here to stay.
In hindsight it doesn’t really make sense that they would show a trailer that looks hardly like the real thing. What’s the point?
Anyway this means we can guess a few things from the first trailer then. Askin’s gift Bereich will have a black background. And basically we get to see what all those scenes will look like near the end.
On a positive note in the cour 1 trailers they didn’t show any of the best animated bits. So that bodes well for rukia vs as nodt, renji vs mask and kenpachi vs gremmy. It does mean that soifon, toshiro and sajin’s fights might not be the main focus for the animators. None of the fights shown in cour 1 trailers were much better than what was in the trailers themselves.

I have been the forever DM for several years with this particular group. We recently finished our first Campaign in a homebrew world and are about 4 months (real world time) into our second campaign. They have just reached level 4 and decided to take a Hags offer to “play her game” for a possible boon at the end. I, thankfully, established prior to them entering the game that death within was not permanent, but that every death came with long lasting consequences. So here’s what happened.
They take a carrousel ride into a pocket plane and instantly are met with a fight. The Carrousel is a trap (but does not do damage) the enemies are 2 fighter (35hp each with 2 attacks per round and a plus 3 to hit) and a Wizard (30hp and spells up to level 3 and a spell DC13) I have seen this group of PC’s deal with significantly harder encounters and assumed this would be a quick fight for them. It is well established that death is a very real possibility in my world and they are all aware of this, but the dice gods were not on their side this day.
Round 1: Athletics check against being grappled by the carrousel’s mechanics DC12. The Druid rolls a 13 and escapes wild shaping into a bear. The fighter, sorcerer, cleric & artificer all fail and are restrained. Roll20 rolls do not improve for them and they do 0 damage and No one escapes through this round of combat. The enemy fighter roll nat 17-19 on all attacks against the group.
Round 2: still restrained by the Carrousel it quick spins the 4 PC’s requiring a Con-save DC10. The Artificer and Cleric fail and are stunned until the end of their next turns. The Fighter manages to break free of the carrousel with the only PC Roll above 7 for the round. The enemy wizard cast a homebrew version of entangle with an AOE effect as a 3rd level spell (20 foot area with a dex save DC13 and the area becomes difficult terrain. On a fail it does 3d8 damage, The Fighter, Druid and Artificer all fail and Roll20 rolled max damage (8+8+8=24) The 2 enemy fighters then took there attacks 1 crit and 3 rolls all 17 or higher + modifiers. By the end of round 2 the Druid, Artificer and Cleric were all down, the fighter was low HP and the sorcerer was still restrained.
Round 3 the Bad guys cleaned house killing the remaining player with relative ease including another Critical Hit on the Sorcerer
As stated above death was not permanent, but there are consequences. Every time they die the Hag gets a little more of them.
TLDR: In 3 rounds of combat using roll20: My 5 Player managed to roll above a 10 on the dice 5 times. The DM’s lowest rolls were two 15 with all other rolls being a 17+ which included 3 natural 20. Resulting in a TPK against what should have been a relatively simple combat encounter for 5 level 4 PCs

Boss. bus hogai hai PTI walon se.
I am a social media lurker. Hell I dont even post on my private insta/fb accounts but Ig I just really needed to get this out. I am tired of PTI playing the righteous than thou card. I am tired of them calling whatever is happening unprecedented. And I am tired of this weird false narrative that they try to push out.
To Start,Going back a year I had no specific problem with PTI/IK. Yes the party did have its quirks par Pakistani politics mei what Party doesnt? When people around me used to blindly hate IK, I often used to point out the fact that their opinion was warped by a bias against IK. Yani ke aksar baat hoti especially unclon waighara mei tou I would often defend PTI, not on their policies but on the fact that a biased opinion holds very little merit.
Politics apna subject hai yaar. Currently in 2nd year at Brown doing a degree on politics. Maine tou academically bhi parha hai leikin ab seriously nhi smjh aati ke karoon kya? PTI wale aake istarah ka narrative shuru karein ge jo unhon ne khud bnaya ho aur IK ke khilaf koi baat karo tou PDM shill aur bootlicker comment kardein ge. Bc parh tou lou pehle. Agar nhi mehnat karni, aaj mei spoonfeed kardeta hoon.

1. 'Democracy' The Idea of Democracy itself is extremely debatable in the realms of academia but we wont get into that.Theres no question about the fact that the Constituiton declares Pakistan a democracy and as such it should be. Leikin When PTI wale comes up and talk about 'undemocratic' process ya sazish tou hasi aati hai. Firstly, The vote of no confidence was by all merits on paper democratic. If you make an argument about handlers ya rigging tou by that logic no election in Pakistan has been fair and free. 2018 mei IK ki hakoomat bhi aise hi aayi thi. Mujhe smjh nhi aati iska solution kya hai. Do I agree with the rigging? no. But considering Pakistan that is just an academic behs jiska koi faida nhi
   
2. Why No Elections Because you refuse to believe in anything. Lets say kal election announce hojate hain. The only result that PTI will agree with is if he wins. Baki sara kuch conspiracy. The problem with IK at this point is he refuses to even entertain anything jo uske khilaf jati hai. My question then is ke bhai Lets say election hojate hain and IK doesnt win? Then what? result tou manna nhi. So whats the point of making the country go through the stress of election?
   
3. The way he does Opposition You had 2 provinces and were opposition leader. You boycotted the NA. Why? Opposition Leader bethna itna mushkil tha? Aaj tak har party bethi hai na. Why is that pill so unswallobale for PTI. Technically the govt was here only for 1 year. If u said everything u wanted to say, not in Dharnas but in NA as Opposition leader it would have more impact.
   
4. Unprecedented Torture Bhai maine Nazi Germany par poore Papers likhe hooe hain, iske kareeb bhi nhi tha. U say this is 1971? You say this is unprecedented? You say Pakistan mei kisi Party ke khilaf nhi hooa? Ab ye tou ziadti hai na. Yes you are going through tough times, no there can be made no legal justification. But donot call this unprecedented.
   
5. Violence is not the way Frantz Fannon ki 'Wretched of the Earth' maine bhi parhi hai. Bara maza aata hai soch ke u will topple ur oppresors but the truth is u cannot fight the military with violence. Those men are trained for war eversince they are 18 years old and u hope to defeat them in their game? Bad idea no? Pakistan mei violence bhi try karli. Kya faida hooa? (Read up on Al-Zulfikar)
   
6. Anti-Military Jab aap log Fauj ke paoon mei bethe thei, ham tou tab se fauj ko criticise kar rahe hain. Abhi bhi karoon ga. Leikin ironically whatever PTI's strategy it has made the Army 10x stronger than it ever was in recent history. Yaar politics ko choro, Punjabion pe Kala Dala kabhi nhi aaya tha (race debate aside). From Pti's antics such a draconian version of the military has emerged. Whatever space and power that was taken back from them post Musharaff era had to be handed back. Aur wo karni pari thi. What choice did u have? So in hopes of destroying the military, you only fed the monster. Now suffer its wrath ig. Koi kuch nhi kar sakta.
   
7. Elites dont care about the country yaar iski tou smjh hi nhi aati. The entire argument that because the 'elites' have money outside in dollars and investments they dont care about Pak doesnt work. By all merits of political theory it is the elite of a nation state which have the most to lose if it declines. Trust me they care. Theek hai hogi unke paas yahan pe 3 crore ki Camry. Leikin bahir tou Camry taxi chalti hai? Kasm Khuda ki Elite ka dil bhi karta hai uper jane ka. The Elite have the MOST to gain if Pakistan prospers. It is not a welfare state.
   
8. Corruption ispe pehle maine lamba sa rant likhna tha ke how corruption doesnt exist aur Zardari ne agar karni bhi hoti tou BMW ki corruption tou na karta na leikin ab tou uski bhi zaroorat nhi. Ab tou seedhi hypocrisy hai. Aapka Kutta Kutta aur hamara kutta tommy wali baat hai. Khair
   

thats that ig. Just wanted to get this out. nhi smjh aati PTI ki aaj kal. Ek achi khasi emerging political party se ek ajeeb sa cult ban gaya hai. Har bande ko Fascist kehna (agar wo hai bhi) siasat nhi hoti. (waise tou kisi ko fascism ka mtlb bhi nhi pta tou alag baat). But I suppose if billions of dollars have been spent on something, even if managed poorly, the results do show.
prolly gonna get downvoted to oblivion due to PTI leikin chalta hai.

Good Vs Evil in Star Wars
​
The Empire is EVIL, in fact the Empire is the archetypical EVIL government
and there is little of nothing to say that can redeem it.
​
However in the aspect of good vs evil the individuals that make up this EVIL government may be both good and evil and in fact most may in fact be good.
​
While Tarkin was one of the Archeyptical EVIL Imperials we can easily argue that with the wast number of planets there would be planets that is controlled and ruled by imperial governors that do treat their people well, even very well
making them essntiianly good people, but of course overall servants of an evil government but still individually good.
​
I think we can all agree this is how the world works, both in star wars and in the real world.
​
Now lets look at the good vs evil aspets where it comes to the force.
How do we define good vs evil when dealing with the force?
​
I have found that we deal with the good vs evil aspects as they are seen by the eyesof a religion, this religion has been defualted to be the "only" good and "light" and that all other are "evil" and "dark" in some form, this is nonsense.
​
We have the famous scene where Luke actually uses the force to choke the Gamorrean gurds at Jabba's Palace.
​
Luke her by the rules would have been issued a Dark Sie Point, with the Insinuation that his was an EVIL act, where as I would disagree totally, it was in fact bot a good act and a light act and extremely jedi act, and thus even when the RPG rules says to issue a DSP when using the power to injure or kill, this was the LEAST of EVILS, with the alternatives being, choke and scare but not kill, or risk a fight and having to draw weapon and suffer a high RISK of KILLING.
​
I say the non killing using choke even if a DSP by rules is NON DSP act and the light and jedi way as it prevents a fight that can easily become deadly, and it leaves nobody dead or permanently injured, only stunned and with possible lack of movement for a limited time and with a little bit of a lack of breath for a while.
​
We have a "sith" power called Aura of Uneasiness
​
Aura of Uneasiness
Control Difficulty: Easy. Modified by proximity, but limited to line of sight.
Alter Difficulty: Easy.
Warning: Any character who uses this power gains a Dark Side Point.
Note: This power is a Sith discipline
Effect: This power allows a Sith to project a field of vague discomfort and unease around him, which causes non-sentient creatures to avoid him
​
This by being an automatic DSP is also insinuated to be and EVIL act.
​
The player group have crashed in the wilderness and have set up camp
they can either SHOOT balsters and risk KILLING the beasts that may attack them in the night, OR they can be dark and truly sinster and evil and simply project negative energy through the force causing a filed (aka some Area of Effect however limited) where in this case nothing idicated that the other party members can not be within the field of effect, casing all beast to simply stay away from everyone thus peventing the risk of KILLING the beasts.
​
here we again see the force and good and evil aspects being seens from the JEDI code being the default definition of both good and evil and light and dark.
​
I would argue that the alternative reducing the risk of killing even the non senitent beasts is a more good, altruistic and light alternative then risking killing them.
​
Inflict Pain
Control Difficulty: Very Easy. Modified by proximity
Alter Difficulty: Target’s control or Perception
Required Powers: Control pain, life sense
Warning: A character who uses this power
immediately receives a Dark Side Point.
Effect: The target experiences intolerable pain.
The user causes damage by rolling her alter skill,
while the target resists damage with their control, Perception, or willpower.
The damage is figured as a stun attack, although if the target suffers any damage at all, they are so crippled by pain that they are incapable of acting
for the rest of the round and the next round.
​
Inflict Pain, a Power listed on more "light" jedi than I can count
when USED, not when "how it is used" it gives a DSP and the insinuation is EVIL.
​
yet what does the power do?, it casues crippling pain, it is a Force Taser, a Stun Gun, that is it.....
​
The Evil dark DSP SOAKING Force User descids to solve the situation where he seens that force is needed, he chooses to inflict pain on the bandit leader scearing both him and his henchmen so that they may be both scared and hesitate seeing this power that is absoultuely not common.
Becuse there is nobody DEAD or even Injured, but STUNNED and with loss of temoprary movement, this is a VILE AND EVIL act,
BUT simply arguing and risking to provovke a fight with both the pirate leader and the henchemen as "people are different but the blaster makes them all equals " both sides now fight equally and the pirates have no reason to assume they can not get out ahead since both sides are "equal"
in having the blastrers, thus increasing the risk of a fight that could leave both side with far more serious injuries than being stunned , and even with serious injury or death on both sides is the ALTRISTIC PEACEFUL JEDI way?
​
I will argue that there there needs to be a GOOD/EVIL axis to follow to deterimine if a character is good or evile, not DSPs ot what aspect of the force used.
​
DSP of course should have negative effects to limit abuse of certian powers, however the DSP should not be automatically given for any power, not even force lighting or sith scorcery. becuse all can be argued to be used in a non evil way.
​
Motive and Intent on the otherhand is always on the Good/Evil axis, where even a Healing act can easily be evil becuse the intent is to have the victim in debt to his healer.
​
I heal the people in the village and act as their shaman becuse it gives me power and status and I can manipulate them without going so far as they see thoguh it and I am now an evil manipulator, Uisng the force and powers that is no "automatic DSP" and I am basically not as "evil and dark" as the Protctor Knight Warrior that used force push 8 times though the war, injuring even slightly the enemy, earning a DSP for each and thus falls in to abyss of utter evil and darkness...lost.......becuse of the evil....
​
It makes no sense, so we can not give DSP for any power use alone, we must always have a MOTIVE/INTENT aspect to it and use this to determine DSP awarded and Good or Evil act.
​
Should we maybe have Good Points and Evil Points?
and a threshold?
I can see 6 Evil Points and you have demonstrated that you are in fact EVIL
Much like the thrshold of 6 DSP making you a "fallen to the dark side-evil"
​
So maybe have a Evil Point Count where blatant EVIL MOTIVED acts give 1 point, and at 6 points total there is no return.
We can of course mix in DSPs here where being issued a DSP for and act is only given when also given an Evil Point.
​
Inflict Pain
Control Difficulty: Very Easy. Modified by proximity
Alter Difficulty: Target’s control or Perception
Required Powers: Control pain, life sense
Warning: A character who uses this power immediately receives a Dark Side Point.
Effect: The target experiences intolerable pain.
The user causes damage by rolling her alter skill,
while the target resists damage with their control, Perception, or willpower.
The damage is figured as a stun attack, although if the target suffers any damage at all, they are so crippled by pain that they are incapable of acting
for the rest of the round and the next round.
​
Here we have a Power listed on more "light side" jedi than I can count
And a power that illustrates perfectly how this can be used in a evil and non evil way.
​
Joe is a martial artist and he loves to make it known that he is the best in class, and he too often make it known by inflicting a little but more pain than needed and this is of course not a "good motivated" act, but rather in the spectrum of evil.
he gains a DSP when he uses this power, perhaps not every time but often enough to accumulate 6 DSP and fall to the dark side and become and "evil NPC"
​
Ana on the other hand is also a martial artist and does also cause extrme pain to her opponents but only if she must and only when the alternative is something far worse. She does not automatically get DSP for using the power. becuse her motive is not the same as Joe, she does not use it to prove a point, but to avoid something possibly worse, a decition motivated more in the "good" spectrum than in the "Evil" spectrum as with Joe.
​
Perhaps the esiest way is for the GM to be the one to decide if the Act is a DSP act based on common sense and playecharacter motive more than RAW?
​
I placed this under House rules falir, but of course it could elswwhere as well

Soul Society arc is still to this day my favorite Bleach arc and in my top 5 favorite shonen arcs. The worldbuilding, storytelling and the fights in this arc were amazing.
WORLDBUILDING AND SOUL REAPERS:
Seeing the soul reapers have actual personality rather than them being just a bad guy made this arc more interesting. There were a range of personalities from Ikkaku's cockiness to Byakuya's stoicism which made the antagonists enjoyable ( They were antagonists at that time). I also loved the interaction between all the characters and also the backstory of Rukia and Renji which explained us more about the Soul Society. Another thing I loved about the characters was that they had their own agendas which lead them to have internal conflicts which was awesome to see
MAIN CAST AND SIDE CAST:
In my opinion this arc was where the main cast was the best. Orihime had her moments and Uryu had his amazing fight with Mayuri and Chad also contributed something before he gets demoted to being a background character in the next arcs. I also loved their interactions and comedy which gave more life to the characters. Rukia and Renji also made this arc better. Renji turned from an arrogant antagonist to someone determined to save his best friend no matter what and their backstories were great additions to the story.
FIGHTS:
This arc also had great fights in addition to its great story. Uryu vs Mayuri was a much needed fight considering his cruelty towards his race and his grandfather. This fight established him as a strategic fighter rather than just a brute force type which made his fight unique amongst the others. Then theres Ichigo vs Kenpachi which had me at the edge of my seat although I felt like Kenpachi went down a bit too easily looking at how monstrous he was but it was explained later on so I will let it pass.Ichigo vs Byakuya on the other hand is still my most favorite fight in Bleach to this day. Ichigo's Bankai reveal and the fight itself alongside with the conclusion made this an s tier fight. This fight was built up ever since the beginning and it gave us the fight that we wanted. I believe that this was also the last arc where the characters weren't so overpowered which made the fights better.
STORY:
At first it seemed like a typical rescue arc which then later on turned out to be more than just a rescue arc, This arc is what took Bleach to incredible heights in popularity because of its intricate plot and story. The Aizen's entire plotline with the murder mystery along with Ichigo's plotline to save Rukia made this arc even more amazing. Aizen's reveal is honestly still the best plot twist in the series and birthed one of the greatest shonen villains. Not only that but seeing another plot twist with Gin and Tosen being his subordinates made it way better. I also love how Soul Society went from being antagonists to Ichigo's allies whereas the real enemy was Aizen all along. Also seeing the captains having internal conflict added more layers into the story.
I could go on an on about this amazing arc but I will keep it short. After all this arc was what made me hooked to Bleach. Of course, TYBW has better fights but story wise this arc SS arc beats TYBW for me and is still the best story arc in Bleach imo.

I work on PoC for shared lib for mobile apps and deciding between gomobile vs Rust static lib. Decided to compare download speed and found that Rust's reqwest is slower than Go's http.Client and iOS' URLSession. It was unexpected.
Benchmarked by downloading 5MB image from wiki. Each benchmark was 100 time download of the image. Did literally thousands of downloads in different day of the week and different time of the day. Benchmarked from cable-connected mac to avoid Wi-Fi interference. While benchmarking did nothing on mac. Measured only actual time of download without FFI overheads.
Maybe I did something wrong? Especially disappointed in P99 stat.
Results:
Go Swift Rust
Median 532ms 539ms 545ms
Avg 538ms 548ms 558ms
P90 568ms 579ms 594ms
P99 621ms 1001ms 1003ms
Tried to make code as similar as possible.
Code:
Rust ```rust lazy_static! { static ref CLIENT: reqwest::blocking::Client = reqwest::blocking::Client::builder() .user_agent("APP_USER_AGENT") .connect_timeout(std::time::Duration::new(10, 0)) .pool_max_idle_per_host(10) .build() .unwrap(); }

[no_mangle]

pub extern "C" fn rust_download_image() -> *mut RustByteSlice { let download_start = std::time::Instant::now(); let data = fetch_url(String::from(IMAGE_URL)); let download_elapsed = download_start.elapsed(); // ... }
fn fetchurl(url: String) -> Vec { let result = CLIENT.get(url) .send() .unwrap() .bytes(); let data = match result { Ok(data) => { let data: Result>, _> = data.bytes().collect(); data.unwrap() }, Err(error) => { println!("cant get image bytes. error: {}", error); Vec::new() }, }; data } ```
Go ```go var ( t = func() http.RoundTripper { t := http.DefaultTransport.(*http.Transport).Clone() t.MaxIdleConns = 10 t.MaxConnsPerHost = 10 t.MaxIdleConnsPerHost = 10 t.IdleConnTimeout = 10 * time.Second t.DisableKeepAlives = false return t }()

httpClient = &http.Client{ Timeout: 15 * time.Second, Transport: t, } 

)
func DownloadImage() { downloadStart := time.Now()

req, err := http.NewRequest("GET", imageURL, nil) if err != nil { return } req = req.WithContext(context.Background()) response, err := httpClient.Do(req) if err != nil { return } defer response.Body.Close() if response.StatusCode != http.StatusOK { return } data, err := io.ReadAll(response.Body) if err != nil { return } downloadTimeElapsed := time.Since(downloadStart) // ... 

} ```
Swift ```swift private let networkSession: URLSession = { let configuration = URLSessionConfiguration.default configuration.networkServiceType = .responsiveData configuration.httpMaximumConnectionsPerHost = 10 configuration.httpShouldUsePipelining = true let session = URLSession(configuration: configuration) return session }()
func nativeDownloadImage() { let downloadTimeStart = CFAbsoluteTimeGetCurrent() let url = URL(string: "url")! let request = URLRequest(url: url, cachePolicy: .reloadIgnoringLocalAndRemoteCacheData, timeoutInterval: 15.0)

let dataTask = networkSession.dataTask(with: request) { [weak self] data, _, _ in guard let data = data else { return } let downloadTimeElapsed = Double(CFAbsoluteTimeGetCurrent() - downloadTimeStart) * 1000 // ... } dataTask.resume() 

} ```
Edit: benchmarked in release mode