Obligatory Precursor: This happened 15 years ago in my final year of high school. It was an event that changed my view on life and still haunts me to this day.
Some background: In my country, they took Christianity seriously. You were raised Christian, at school, we had Bible lessons/ scripture readings every morning before class started and your social life pretty much revolved around the church. When this event occurred, I was a youth leader in my church and even had a key to open the church every Friday evening and Sunday. I was a pretty awkward kid though; a bit weird and perhaps a little eccentric. So didn’t have that many friends in school (2 to be exact). Was a real social outcast back then. We also lived about 60 km away from school and I had to wait 4 to 5 hours after school for my mom to pick me up so we could go home. All these facts will be important for later.
So there were a bunch of things that happened leading up to the event.
It all started in January of my final year in high school. As last year students we had slightly more ‘privileges’ than all the other students. For one, every Monday morning we would all meet in a big Hall for Bible reading and the announcements for the week. Here all the younger students would sit on the icy cold floor at the bottom, and the final year students (and the very few girls) would sit in on chairs at the top of the gallery overlooking the big Hall. This was always made out to be a major privilege. We also had a choice to attend sports events like rugby or athletics (where for the younger students, it was obligatory).
One of the major sporting events at the beginning of the year was this inter-high school athletics competition. On one day in January, all the schools in the area would compete against each other to find the best athletes so they could be nominated to represent the area in provincial competitions. At these competitions, all the students from each school would need to attend as 'spectators'. Final-year students had a choice of whether or not they wanted to go. However, this year this event was moved to another school and there wasn't enough space for each school's entire populous. Therefore only the first-year and final-year students were 'forced' to go. Given that final-year students always had a choice in the past, and that this event was on a Friday...me and my two friends (Let's call them Dr Dre and The Wizard) decided to stay at home on that day and make a long weekend out of it.
Dr Dre was the only 'normal' one in my little group of friends. Dr Dre was really into rap music, he had good relationships with the teachers, all the different clicks of students (from the jocks to the geeks) liked him and he was overall a really decent kid (very wise and intelligent for his age). The Wizard, on the other hand was a very tall, blond Dutch boy that was into bizarre things. People found him to be extremely weird but didn't pick on him. He liked catching mice in the field, skinning them, and making stuff from their skins. He was (in his own mind) into wizardry (he identified as a dark wicca - dark witch). He was just overall very weird.
Anyway, the Monday morning after the athletics event, my two friends and I went to the big hall for the daily weekly Bible lesson and announcements as was customary. We sat at the top of the gallery and waited for the 'plebs' to fill the hall at the bottom. When everyone took their seats, two prefects (student leaders) came to the gallery and said that everyone that wasn't at the event on Friday would need to sit at the bottom with the plebs for the rest of the year. Apparently, they handed out little cards on Friday and well, we didn't have them... So my friends and I awkwardly stood up and made out way down the stairs. Halfway down, I told them that it was bullshit that we had to go sit with the 'kids'. The Wizard then said : "I say we just go sit outside the hall and refuse to go in... Make a statement".
At the time, we thought it was a good idea and went to go sit outside. About 15 mins later, a prefect (student leader) came to ask us why we were sitting outside. I responded, "it's none of your business" and he proceeded to go call one of the teachers. Our mathematics teacher (a short, mid-40s balding Greek man) came outside and asked why we were sitting there.... Without thinking, The Wizard said : "It's against our religion". The teacher asked what religion it was and we didn't respond. He turned around and walked away.We didn't mention which religion we were and at the time, we thought it was a brilliant response.
Later the day, we were in our homeroom class. The intercom went off (it broadcasts over the entire school), and an old woman's voice asked The Wizard, Dr Dre and I to go to the principal's office. Obviously the story had already spread across the entire school and everyone knew what this was about. We went to his office and sat on the old wooden benches in in front of his door. Dr Dre was the first to be asked to go in. Ten mins later, he comes out and returns to class. The Wizard and I were then asked to come in together.
The principal asked us to sit down and proceeded to ask us to explain the situation. Not willing to give up on the jig... We proceeded to stick to our story. He then asked if we were Satanists. The Wizard then responded and said something that would put me on a path prolonged psychological trauma. The Wizard said.... Yes. (Although he obviously wasn't). The principal then proceeded to ask questions why and how and when... It felt like we were sitting there for hours. The Wizard said that he was in it for power and control.. (All the time I'm thinking... WTF Dude!). I was quite throughout the entire session.. Mostly because I was afraid but primarily because I was shocked of the things that came out of his mouth. Around an hour later, we were asked to leave and return to class... And I thought the situation was resolved...
The next day at 7am all the students lined up in the quad as we always did from Tuesday till Friday. The principal did his Bible reading and the did his announcements. His final announcement sent shivers down my spine. He said that he made it his mission to destroy the satanic rituals and satanists in the school. At this stage it felt like all the students heads turned towards me.
With the 'extra' incentive, most students started to bully me, and I was consistently made fun of. Given that both Dr Dre and The Wizard were mucho gym junkies, no one picked on them... So I took the brunt of the students' and teachers' wrath. This went on for about 3 months. By the end of the three months, people already forgot that Dr Dre and The Wizard were involved in the matter... And I was basically now labelled as the school demon.... The face of the 'satanic cult' in the school. Already an outcast, my life was now an absolute living hell... The smart-ass remark to get us not to sit at the bottom of the hall, had now turned into a life of constant physical and psychological torture (from students and teachers).
Although I kept telling everyone that I wasn't a satanist and it was The Wizard lying to get us out of sitting with the younger students, no one believed me. Everything 'weird' that happened at the school was now always made out to be my fault. I even talked to the principal and even had my pastor from the church phone him. But nothing ever came of it. I just wanted the torture to stop, but no one would believe me.
So this brings me to D-day. The last Friday of the semester, the school came out at 11:00 (it usually came out at 14:00). Although the school was out and everyone was on their way home for the start of the summer vacation, I still had to stay at school till around 17:30 for my mom to come pick me up after work so we could go home. Around 11:30 the school was empty and I went to sit under my usual tree and entertained myself with SNAKE on my Nokia 5110.
Mid-game I saw the vice principal and the teacher that was in charge of religious studies walk up to me. They asked very politely if I wanted to take a ride with them. I declined, saying that my mom would be here at any moment to pick me up. The vice principal said he already spoke to my mom (which turned out to be a lie!) and she would only be there around 18:00. Fair enough. He caught me out in my BS excuse, and given that that was the usual time she would pick me up... I didn't think to question it further.
We walked to his car and I asked where we were going. He said he wanted to introduce me to 'a friend' of his. We climbed into his car and drove about 15 mins to a church. I knew the church because that was where the school's Minister (kinda like a priest) worked. This Minister was big and wobbly... And looked as if he could afford to skip a few meals. A pudgy fellow with rosy cheeks, a massive belly and this weird blueish-grey eyes that always seemed as if they stared through you when he looked at you. Let's call him Minister Bear.
So we get there and I felt my heart sink into my shoes. I knew where this was going. I was escorted around the church and led into a darkish room at the back of the building. As my eyes adjusted from the bright sun, to the darkish room, I saw Minister Bear, sitting behind his antique yellow wood desk. He welcomed my two teachers, stood up, and walked around the desk. As his friendly eyes move slowly away from my teachers, towards me... It systematically turned into this deep look of concern and fear. He locked the door next to me and said in a deep serious voice, "I feel a very dark presence in this room". And thanked my teachers for bringing me there.
He told my teachers to sit in the corner and ushered me to a chair in front of his desk. He sat down and proceeded to ask me a bunch of personal questions. It started innocent enough, like who I was and where I lived, through to have I ever had sex and if I'm gay (a taboo subject where I was from). The questions became ever darker and each time I would answer he would tell my teacher's "This isn't ManicSheep talking".
He then asked me if I was a satanist, to which I responded with a clear NO! I told him I was a youth leader in my church and that he could phone my pastor to ask. He would then respond by saying things like "Don't lie to me demon! Release this child of God ". The more I woud deny his claims, the more he would tell my teacher's that they needed to pray because the demon has a very strong hold over me.
This went on for about 2 hours. I looked at my watch and it was already 14:30. He would ask me what the demon in me's name was and how many of them were in me. I kept denying it and eventually burst out in tears, begging him to let me go. He said to my teachers that this was the demons way to want to escape, that he was getting closer to getting 'them' to release me. He asked me about satanist rituals and between every question he would ask... He would pray under his breath. No matter how much I cried, he didn't want to stop. I stood up and screamed that I am going to phone the police and ran to the door... Tried to open it... Shakes the handle... But the door was locked.
"You won't escape this room with this child l, demon" he would yell. I fell on the ground crying, saying my mom was looking for me and I just wanted to go home. At this stage, he picked me up with both hands and held me in the air. He pushed me against the wall and started praying louder. As I struggled to get free he yelled for my teachers to come put their hands on me and pray .. As the demons were loosing Control.
I was afraid for my life. As a kid of 17, I didn't know what was going on. I remember thinking about how can they feel a dark presence as I spend all my time at church. Why don't they want to phone my pastor? Why won't they believe me.
At this stage I realized that the only way out of this was to act out the role they clearly wanted me to play. That would be the only way out of the locked room. I tried to pull my tears back and looked him in the eyes.. And tried to push the quiver in my voice down. "OK you got me Minister." I said." You can have the child". He immediately dropped me and took a couple of steps back.
He started repeating the questions from earlier and told my teachers to pray harder as we were now getting to the crux of the matter. They needed to 'cast him out'. I kept responding to the questions in the way I thought they wanted. I then started speaking German backwards as they started praying harder. At this stage I just wanted to get out of there.
After what felt like years, they finally stopped and I fell to the ground. Minister Bear said... It's done. Laying on the ground, the tears again started balling out my eyes (this time out of total relief). They asked me how I felt and I couldn't stop crying. I just wanted to go home. I lied again and said I felt relieved and lighter and was unsure what was going on or how I got there.
The Minister then told me I was possessed by a series of demons (I can't remember the name he gave it) and that they were holding on deeply to my soul. That it took hours for them to cast them out. But I am free now, and that is why I felt so light and that crying is normal. He prayed one more time and gave me his number. He told me to come see him next week and that I should phone him if I feel something is coming back.
They finally unlocked the door. I stood there silently, not knowing if I was actually free to go. Still shaking I looked at my watch... It was 17:45 and I knew my mom was waiting for me at school. The teachers then asked if it was OK to go. They then took me back to the school and dropped me off at my mom's car.
I climbed in and burst into tears. My mom asked what was wrong and I explained. She then told me that I probably just misunderstood what was going on and that she would speak to the principal. Nothing ever came of this.
This was by far one of the most traumatic events in my life. Although I know I contributed to the situation, 15 years later, as a trained and registered psychologist, the matter still haunts me...

PODCAST: https://ayearofwarandpeace.podbean.com/e/ep1521-hail-and-farewell-george-moore-ave-chapter-11/
PROMPTS: Poor Edward. Something quite wrong about what went on here...
Today's Reading, via Project Gutenberg:

XI

While Edward revised his play Yeats and I talked of The Shadowy Waters, and the Boers crossed one of our frontiers into Cape Colony or Natal—I have forgotten which; but I remember very well my attitude of mind towards the war, and how I used to walk every day from Tillyra to Ardrahan, a distance of at least two Irish miles, to fetch the newspaper, so anxious was I to read of a victory for our soldiers.
Before starting I would pay Edward a visit in his tower, and after a few words about the play, I would tell him that the way out of our South African difficulties was simple—the Government should arm the blacks; and this would make Edward growl out that the English Government was beastly enough to do it; and I remember how I used to go away, pleased that I had always the courage of my morality. Other men do what they know to be wrong, and repent, or think they repent; but as it would be impossible for me to do what I believe to be wrong, repentance is for me an idle word; and, thinking that to raise an army of seventy thousand blacks would be a fine trick to play upon the Boers, I often returned through the park full of contempt for my countrymen, my meditations interrupted occasionally by some natural sight—the beauty of the golden bracken through which the path twisted, a crimson beech at the end of it, or the purple beauty of a line of hills over against the rocky plain freckled with the thatched cabins of the peasantry. Nor do I remember more beautiful evenings than these were; and, as the days drew in, the humble hawthorns shaped themselves into lovely silhouettes, and a meaning seemed to gather round the low, mossy wall out of which they grew, until one day the pictorial idea which had hitherto stayed my steps melted away, and I became possessed by a sentimental craving for the country itself. After all, it was my country, and, strangely perturbed, I returned to the castle to ask Edward's opinion regarding the mysterious feeling that had glided suddenly into my heart as I stood looking at the Burran Mountains.
It is difficult for anybody to say why he loves his country, for what is a country but a geographical entity? And I am not sure that Edward was listening very attentively when I told him of a certain pity, at variance with my character, that had seemed to rise out of my heart.
It would be strange if Cathleen ni Houlihan were to get me after all. That is impossible ... only a passing feeling; and I sat looking at him, remembering that the feeling I dreaded had seemed to come out of the landscape and to have descended into my heart. But he was so little interested in what seemed to me transcendental that I refrained from further explanation, concluding that he was thinking of his play, which had gone to Coole yesterday. I was led to think this, for he was sitting at the window as if watching for Yeats. We were expecting our poet.
Here he is. I wonder what he thinks of your revisions?
And to save Edward from humiliation I asked Yeats as soon as he came into the room if he liked the new third act.
No, no; it's entirely impossible. We couldn't have such a play performed. And dropping his cloak from his shoulders, he threw his hair from his brow with a pale hand, and sank into a chair, and seemed to lose himself in a sudden meditation. It was like a scene from a play, with Yeats in the principal part; and, admiring him, I sat thinking of the gloom of Kean, of the fate of the Princes in the Tower, headsmen, and suchlike things, and thinking, too, that Yeats, notwithstanding his hierarchic airs, was not an actual literary infallibility. The revised third act might not be as bad as he seemed to think it. He might be mistaken ... or prejudiced. Yeats's literary integrity is without stain, that I knew. But he might be prejudiced against Edward without knowing it. The success of The Heather Field had stirred up in Edward, till then the most unassuming of men, a certain aggressiveness which, for some time past, I could see had been getting on Yeats's nerves. Nor am I quite sure that myself at that moment would not have liked to humble Edward a little ... only a little. But let us not be drawn from the main current of our resolution, which is entirely literary, by a desire to note every sub-current. Yeats looked very determined, and when I tried to induce him to give way he answered:
We are artists, and cannot be expected to accept a play because other plays as bad, and nearly as bad, have been performed.
Saints, I said, do not accept sins because sins are of common occurrence.
He did not answer, but sat looking into the fire gloomily.
He takes a very determined view of your play, Edward. It may not strike me in the same light. If you will give me the manuscript I'll just run upstairs with it. I can't read it in front of you both.
There was no reason why I should read the first two acts; Edward had not touched them. What he had engaged to rewrite was the last half of the third act, and a few minutes would enable me to see if he had made sufficient alterations for the play to be put forward—not as a work of art—that is as something that would be acted fifty years hence for the delight of numerous audiences, as proof of the talent that existed in Ireland at the end of the nineteenth century—but as a play to which literary people could give their attention without feeling ashamed of themselves afterwards. There was no reason why we should ask for more than that; for the subject of the play was merely one of topical interest, and it is a mistake—I pointed this out to Yeats—to be very particular about the literary quality of such a play. All the same it would have to be put right, and this Edward could not do. It was more a matter for a cunning literary hand than for a fellow like Edward with a streak of original genius in him, and very little literary tact.
On these reflections I sat down to read, but the play was so crude, even in its revised form, that I fell to thinking that Yeats's thoughts must have wandered very often from the page. He should have remembered, however, whilst we discussed the play with Edward, that Edward was a human being after all, and not made it apparent that he looked upon the play as something the local schoolmaster might have written, and of all, should have kept looks out of his face which said as plainly as words could: Your soul is inferior, beneath my notice; take it away. He did not even seem to apprehend that Edward was torn between love of self and love of Ireland. Abstract thinking, I said, kills human sympathies, and Yeats is no longer able to appreciate anything but literary values. The man behind the play is ignored ... Yeats can no longer think with his body; it is only his mind that thinks. He is all intellect, if that isn't too cardinal a word. And seeing before me quite a new country of conjecture, one which I had never rambled in, I sat thinking of the cruelty of the monks of the Middle Ages, and the cruelty of the nuns and the monks of the present day. Their thoughts are abstracted from this world, from human life—that is why; and Yeats was a sort of monk of literature, an Inquisitor of Journalism who would burn a man for writing that education was progressing by leaps and bounds. Opinions make people cruel—literary as well as theological. Whereas the surgeon, whose thought is always of the flesh, is the kindliest of creatures. It is true that one sometimes hears of surgeons who, in the pursuit of science, willingly undertake operations which they know to be dangerous, and we know that the scientists in the laboratory are indifferent to the sufferings of the animals they vivisect. Even so, Nature thinks like the surgeon who risks an operation in order that he may discover the cause of the disease. The knowledge he gathers from the death of the patient is passed on, and it saves the life of another. But the artist cannot pass on any portion of his art to his pupil; his gift lives in himself and dies with him, and his art comes as much from his heart as from his intellect. The intellect outlives the heart, and the heart of Yeats seemed to me to have died ten years ago; the last of it probably went into the composition of The Countess Cathleen.
Yesterevening, when we wandered about the lake, talking of The Shadowy Waters, trying to free it from the occult sciences that had grown about it, Fomorians beaked and unbeaked, and magic harps and Druid spells, I did not perceive that the difficulties into which the story had wandered could be attributed to a lack of human sympathy. But Yeats's treatment of Edward proved it to me. The life of the artist is always at difficult equipoise; he may fail from lack of human sympathies, or he may yield altogether to them and become a mere philanthropist; and we may well wonder what the choice of the artist would have been if he had to choose between the destruction of Messina and Reggio or of Herculaneum and Pompeii. Were he to choose the ancient ruins in preference to the modern towns, he might give very good reasons for doing so, saying that to prolong the lives of a hundred thousand people for a few years would not be, in his opinion, worth a bronze like the Narcissus. A very specious argument might be maintained in favour of the preservation of the bronze, even at the price of a hundred thousand lives. Perhaps he might let the bronze go, but if all Greek art were added he would hesitate, and when he had let one hundred thousand men and women go to their doom he would probably retire into the mountains to escape from sight of every graven thing. To write a play our human and artistic sympathies must be very evenly balanced, and I remembered that among my suggestions for the reconstruction of The Shadowy Waters, the one that Yeats refused most resolutely was that the woman should refuse to accompany the metaphysical pirate to the ultimate North, but return somewhat diffidently, ashamed of herself, to the sailors who were drinking yellow ale.
Yeats has reflected himself in the pirate, I said. All he cares for is a piece of literature. The man behind it matters nothing to him. But am I not just as wicked as he? Worse, indeed, for Edward is my oldest friend and I do not defend him. Whereupon the manuscript fell from my hand, and I sat for a long time thinking; and then, getting up, I wandered out of my room and hung over the banisters, looking down into the central hall, asking myself what Yeats and Edward were saying to each other, and thinking that their talk must be strained and difficult, thinking too that my duty was to go down to them and bring their bitter interview to an end.
And I resolved to say that I could see no reason why the play should not be acted. But half-way down the stairs my conscience forbade so flagrant a lie. Yeats would not believe me. And what good would it do to allow Edward to bring over actors and actresses for the performance of such a play? It's kinder to tell him the truth. In the middle of the hall I stopped again. But if I tell him the truth the Irish Literary Theatre will come to an end.
Well, Edward, I've read your play ... but the alterations you've made aren't very considerable, and I can't help thinking that the play requires something more done to it.
You've read my play very quickly. Are you sure you've read it?
I've read all the passages that you've altered.
I had only glanced through them, but I could not tell him that a glance was sufficient.
If there were time, you might alter it yourself. You see, the time is short—only two months; and I watched Edward. For a long time he said nothing, but sat like a man striving with himself, and I pitied him, knowing how much of his life was in his play.
I give you the play, he said, starting to his feet. Do with it as you like; turn it inside out, upside down. I'll make you a present of it!
But, Edward, if you don't wish me to alter your play—
Ireland has always been divided, and I've preached unity. Now I'm going to practise it. I give you the play.
But what do you mean by giving us the play? Yeats said.
Do with it what you like. I'm not going to break up the Irish Literary Theatre. Do with my play what you like, and he rushed away.
I'm afraid, Yeats, his feelings are very much hurt.
And my heart went out to the poor man sitting alone in his tower, brooding over his failure. I expected Yeats to say something sympathetic, but all he said was: We couldn't produce such a play as that. It was perhaps the wisest thing he could say under the circumstances. For what use is there in sentimentalising over the lamb whose throat is going to be cut in the slaughter-house?
The sooner the alterations are made the better.
And I asked Yeats to come over tomorrow.
You see, you'll have to help me with this adaptation, for I know nothing of Ireland.
It is a pleasure to be with him, especially when one meets him for the purpose of literary discussion; he is a real man of letters, with an intelligence as keen as a knife, and a knife was required to cut the knots into which Edward had tied his play, for very few could be loosened. The only fault I found with Yeats in this collaboration was the weariness into which he sank suddenly, saying that after a couple of hours he felt a little faint, and would require half an hour's rest.
We returned to the play after lunch, and continued until nearly seven o'clock, too long a day for Yeats, who was not so strong then as he is now, and Lady Gregory wrote to me, saying that I must be careful not to overwork him, and that it would be well not to let him go more than two hours without food—a glass of milk, or, better still, a cup of beef-tea in the afternoon, and half an hour after lunch he was to have a glass of sherry and a biscuit. These refreshments were brought up by Gantley, Edward's octogenarian butler, and every time I heard his foot upon the stairs I offered up a little prayer that Edward was away in his tower, for, of course, I realised that the tray would bring home to him in a very real and cruel way the fact that his play was being changed and rewritten under his very roof, and that he was providing sherry and biscuits in order to enable Yeats to strike out, or, worse still, to rewrite his favourite passages. It was very pathetic; and while pitying and admiring Edward for his altruism, I could not help thinking of two children threading a bluebottle. True that the bluebottle's plight is worse than Edward's, for the insect does not know why it is being experimented upon, but Edward knew he was sacrificing himself for his country, and the idea of sacrifice begets a great exaltation of mind, is in fact, a sort of anaesthetic; and sustained by this belief we, Yeats and I, worked on through the day, Yeats tarrying as late as seven o'clock in order to finish a scene, Edward asking him to stay to dinner, a kindness that proved our undoing, for we lacked tact, discussing before Edward the alterations we were going to make. He sat immersed in deep gloom, saying he did not like our adaptation of the first act, and when we told him the alterations we were going to make in the second, he said:
But you surely aren't going to alter that? Why do you do this? Good heavens! I wouldn't advise you—
Yeats looked at him sternly, as a schoolmaster looks at a small boy, and next morning Edward told me that he was going to Dublin, adding that I had better come with him. On my mentioning that I expected Yeats that afternoon, he said that he would write, telling him of his decision, and a note came from Lady Gregory in the course of the afternoon, saying that she was leaving Coole. Would it be convenient to Edward to allow Yeats to stay at Tillyra for a few days by himself? He would like to continue the composition of The Shadowy Waters in Galway.
Lady Gregory's request seemed to me an extraordinary one to make in the present circumstances, and it seemed still more extraordinary that Edward should have granted it, and without a moment's hesitation, as if Yeats's literary arrogance had already dropped out of his memory. Such self-effacement as this was clearly a matter for psychological inquiry, and I turned Edward over in my mind many times before I discovered that his self-effacement should be attributed to patriotism rather than to natural amiability. He believed Yeats to be Ireland's poet, and to refuse to shelter him might rob Ireland of a masterpiece, a responsibility which he did not care to face.
Extraordinary! I said to myself, and as in a vision I saw Ireland as a god demanding human sacrifices, and everybody, or nearly everybody, crying: Take me, Ireland, take me; I am unworthy, but accept me as a burnt-offering. Ever since I have been in the country I have heard people speaking of working for Ireland. But how can one work for Ireland without working for oneself? What do they mean? They do not know themselves, but go on vainly sacrificing all personal achievement, humiliating themselves before Ireland as if the country were a god. A race inveterately religious I suppose it must be! And these sacrifices continue generation after generation. Something in the land itself inspires them. And I began to tremble lest the terrible Cathleen ni Houlihan might overtake me. She had come out of that arid plain, out of the mist, to tempt me, to soothe me into forgetfulness that it is the plain duty of every Irishman to disassociate himself from all memories of Ireland—Ireland being a fatal disease, fatal to Englishmen and doubly fatal to Irishmen. Ireland is in my family. My grand-uncle lay in prison condemned to death for treason; my father wasted his life in the desert of national politics. It is said that the custom of every fell disease is to skip a generation, and up to the present it had seemed that I conformed to the rule. But did I? If I did not, some great calamity awaited me, and I remembered that the middle-aged may not change their point of view. To do so is decadence.

i tried to play some roleplays on roblox and they are massively better, im talking about games that are like small or something, like the ones that have less than 40 people playercount. on roblox there is quite literally no kids that scream "RDM RDM RDM" and they just deal with it, on roblox the admins are also not assholes and instead they usually just do their own rp, like training people, hanging out or something like that. they all are also all full of custom content (There usually may be a free model or two but nothing that can bother anybody). of course there are games that are bad in terms of roleplay, that is cafe games, they are just down bad but except that they are usually good. imo its weird how a game dedicated for kids has better rp games than a game made for preteens-teens

This is a repost of my post in lookismcomic.
Here are some ground rules to set

1. Only the strongest forms of characters will be considered in this list (eg- Ultra instinct Daniel and not base version Daniel)
   
2. The strength of the characters will only be counted to what we have seen until chapter 442 and not potential to be stronger in the future or else Jake Kim would be an easy number 1.
   

Keep in mind this is going to be a long post which will need to be updated after zack's, vasco's and Jay's strength will be seen at our fullest extent.
Let's begin

1. Original Daniel Park

We always knew of him to be a fat kid who got bullied and mistreated by others his entire life. However after losing weight by systema training by the war hero Alexander Sophia and formal fighting training by the shiro oni Yamazaki Gun Park the disciple of Tom Lee the fighting genius of Charles Choi himself, he is bloomed into becoming a monster in his own right. Firstly he has the ability to copy fighting moves by just a glance which is so hax that it basically renders any talent or mastery the opponent has for a certain fighting style useless. Till now only 5 people have been shown to have this ability first he original Daniel himself, then perfect body Daniel, then Johan Seong, then Jinyoung Park and lastly the unnamed person who defeated the world Muay Thai champion Brekdak using this ability. Now lets talk about feats, in his first fight, one of the workers strongest fighters Xiaolung admitted that Daniel is now a monster and he defeated Xiaolung very easily, remember this guy is so strong that Jake himself had to go all out to defeat him, he was also able to fight Yoosung who was judged at the Level of a first generation King by eugene, the smartest guy in the series and was aknowledged by gun to be a worthy opponent. Moreover he is a different beast in ultra instinct, he is able to go toe to toe with one of the stronger first generaion kings going all out and could potentiality be stronger than him which is a very big feat as no one in the second gen has subdued even the weaker first generation kings by themselves.

1. Perfect body Daniel Park

He is the person who has the most perfect body for fighting according to the medical genius of Charles Choi, Jinyoung Park. He also possesses the copying ability but according to me his ability of copying is actualy the best compared to all as his body has mastered all the fighting styles so he can sub-consciously improve those moves. Moreover his fighting prowess has been aknowledged by gun himself as all his moves are perfect. However since he has not honed his body himself and all of it is given to him he can't use it to its full extent leading to his base form fighting ability to not be very impressive comparing to the 4 crews so ya'll must be thinking, 'why is he even number 2?' Well it's because of a form only he and his other body can attain- ultra instinct. This form of his is so good that it made mortal enemies Jake Kim and Samuel Seo fight together to defeat him because they know how dangerous he is, he is the man who made SAMUEL SEO feel fear, the reason why it's crazy is because the reason Samuel didn't get aknowledged by gun even though he defeated all the 4 major crew heads is because he is too vicious, someone like him felt fear due to the mere presence of this man, he is so good that he made Charles Choi's fighting genius Tom Lee's student Goo who is on the same level as gun and stronger than all first generation kings go all out with his best weapon to defeat him, he is so good that when ge regained consciousness from fighting gun, he was in a favorable position and he actually broke gun's arm which is something no crew head has even come close to achieving.

1. Johan Seong

He is also one of the users who weild the copying ability and is regarded as one of the strongest fighters by many people in the entire series including the white tiger job center, he has gone toe to toe with Tom Lee, and is acknowledged by gun to be strongest crew head, infact he is so strong that he makes an entire crew God Dog by himself which is part of the 4 major crews. The fact that he makes an entire crew by himself is just astounding. Next in terms of feats, his strength is also aknowledged by gun and goo too, moreover in the 4 crew heads free for all, even though he lost first, gun and goo themselves stated that in 3 years (right now) johan will surpass all the crew heads. Moreover in the 4 crew heads meetup 3 years later with the strongest executives of workers and Eli Jang after training from Tom Lee , he was told to be the strongest in the room. Moreover in his rage form which his not even his strongest form he one shotted vasco and another guy on vasco's level. However his strongest form is when he copies perfect body ultra instinct Daniel, the beast mentioned above. With that he can copy him for a short time, but he is so strong that in that limited time he manged to defeat Yoosung, Eugene's twin brother who was rated to be in the level of or even stronger than a first gen king. Moreover Johan has the ability to improve during the fight due to copying the opponents moves, also he has now learnt cqc the most dangerous move of senior manager kim which is even feared by Tom Lee.

1. Yoosung The person we were just talking about, keep in mind this is going to be a much shorter deception Than the others since he hasn't fought all that much compared to the others. He is an extremely powerful and swift person despite his small body, his physical attributes have also been aknowledged by Tom Lee himself and even gun. And as also told above, he is judged to be on the level of or better than a first gen king.
   
2. Sinu Han
   Lastly, here we are at the end of the list which took 5 rereads of the last 140 chapters or so and 2 weeks of procrastination.
   

Let's begin, Sinu Han or the god of combat, or the protector of big deal street or the boy of promise. He is a man of many titles. He is one of only 3 people who have the ability of attacking so fast that their opponent can't even see their attacks. To be honest, if this were a list of strongest base form then he will be in the top 3 but since he does not have any other forms like a crazed form where the persons heart feels warm or an ultra instinct form, he is not higher on this list. He is so strong that gun acknowledged him to be the strongest crew head in gangseo, keep in mind that back then sinu wasn't at his strongest form. Currently he is so strong that he surpasses first generation kings which was said by I think Seokdu Wang or Taesoo Ma, I don't remmeber properly. He has fought many people in workers second affiliate to surpass all levels and reach this stage. When he is angry, he managed to defeat all big deal executives and workers executives with ease. So far only Jake has been able to see his attacks that is also all because of his no genes. Right now also, he alone is able to take on both Eli Jang and Warren Chae both at their strongest.
Characters who barely missed the list- Eli Jang and Warren Chae
Characters too strong for the list- Doo Lee and Yenma

I'm in Thailand I started Muay Thai for the first time two weeks ago - about 10 sessions in at this point. I'm at a tiny little gym in Bangkok that is run by 4 Thai trainers, some of whom are still active fighters.
One of the trainers singled me out a couple classes ago and tried to 'fix' my kicks (referring to roundhouse kicks to body), with the main issue being that I was kicking on the ball of my plant foot and pivoting. He absolutely insists that I should be virtually flat and step out sufficiently on my plant foot, with the benefits being balance/structure/defense as he explained it. This guy was so determined to teach me how to kick flat footed that he basically gave me a damn private lesson for free because it took me so long to get used to the new approach, and he's continued monitoring my progress since to make sure I've got it down. It was definitely wayyy more challenging on my hips and general mobility, but I finally have it down to a reasonable degree...
Now imagine my surprise when I come online and look into this more and find a million posts about how to properly kick, with virtually every single one of them saying you should generally be on the ball of your foot pivoting... it's better for your hips, more power, etc.. In fact, the only reference I could find to someone acknowledging kicking flat-footed was someone who posted the following video, highlighting the difference between the fighter on the left who is the epitome of ball of your foot/pivoting and the fighter on the right who is flat-footed (his technique does in fact match the one I'm being taught), and stating that either is viable (which obviously sounds controversial in light of all the other research I've done)...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3VgyUqPzko
I guess my question is, what the hell is going on here? Is there some history behind these techniques that people don't talk about? Is flat-footed some old traditional approach that got overtaken at some point? Is there some benefit for beginners? Should I be concerned about training at this gym? Obviously I would love to have this conversation with my trainers, but after all... language barrier.

First of all, I've been seeing that now we have both men and women in the group. Please this is fitna. Either ask without telling that you're a female or ask in a way that does not trigger the men. Unfortunately, men here are programmed to act over slightest of provocative content.
Secondly, you can't just be free by accepting that all the times you've sinned, it was YOU who was responsible. (All evil is because of you, don't blame the society for everything. There are people I know who don't PMO, MO or have sex, free from relationships and they're like this for years).
You can't progress in life if you take out time for yourself alone. Think deeply. Stop expecting things. Start changing your mindset, have a new perception of who you are and what you deserve in life. If all you want is a normal average life without PMO or MO, then you know at the back of your mind how normal do you consider these things have become. So you gotta be extra-ordinary and believe that's what you deserve in life.
Stop using social media. Stay away from your phone. It's a calamity. If you can just not use these digital devices stop it immediately. Let's say a month maybe. Then you can train yourself about a new approach to use these devices.
Stop treating it with number of days etc. Once you've quit, you're done. That's it. It's over. You have a new self-image (take out time and write it all), new set of thoughts about what you deserve in life (don't think that you deserve the average, mediocre stuff, please stop now!), and You gotta repeat what you write to yourself with power emotions and visualization. Every single day whether you feel like it or not.
Don't tell yourself over and over again that you're addicted etc. NO! NO! You're not revising stuff because you're avoiding a relapse, it's because you're done with this life and you want a new one.
Go back to your childhood. There's always something coming from there. If you've ever molested anyone, done anything immoral, visit all those scenes where you've done injustice and ask Allah sincerely for repentance.
I'm not saying you can't get rid of PMO, MO if you don't deal with your childhood traumas. You can get rid of this addiction without doing that, but it's recommended you heal yourself completely.
Ask some brothers are telling that they're falling even when fasting, stop eating too much at sehri and aftar. The whole purpose is to keep you hungry and thirsty.

Here are some ground rules to set

1. Only the strongest forms of characters will be considered in this list (eg- Ultra instinct Daniel and not base version Daniel)
   
2. The strength of the characters will only be counted to what we have seen until chapter 442 and not potential to be stronger in the future or else Jake Kim would be an easy number 1.
   

Keep in mind this is going to be a long post which will need to be updated after zack's, vasco's and Jay's strength will be seen at our fullest extent.
Let's begin

1. Original Daniel Park

We always knew of him to be a fat kid who got bullied and mistreated by others his entire life. However after losing weight by systema training by the war hero Alexander Sophia and formal fighting training by the shiro oni Yamazaki Gun Park the disciple of Tom Lee the fighting genius of Charles Choi himself, he is bloomed into becoming a monster in his own right. Firstly he has the ability to copy fighting moves by just a glance which is so hax that it basically renders any talent or mastery the opponent has for a certain fighting style useless. Till now only 5 people have been shown to have this ability first he original Daniel himself, then perfect body Daniel, then Johan Seong, then Jinyoung Park and lastly the unnamed person who defeated the world Muay Thai champion Brekdak using this ability. Now lets talk about feats, in his first fight, one of the workers strongest fighters Xiaolung admitted that Daniel is now a monster and he defeated Xiaolung very easily, remember this guy is so strong that Jake himself had to go all out to defeat him, he was also able to fight Yoosung who was judged at the Level of a first generation King by eugene, the smartest guy in the series and was aknowledged by gun to be a worthy opponent. Moreover he is a different beast in ultra instinct, he is able to go toe to toe with one of the stronger first generaion kings going all out and could potentiality be stronger than him which is a very big feat as no one in the second gen has subdued even the weaker first generation kings by themselves.

1. Perfect body Daniel Park

He is the person who has the most perfect body for fighting according to the medical genius of Charles Choi, Jinyoung Park. He also possesses the copying ability but according to me his ability of copying is actualy the best compared to all as his body has mastered all the fighting styles so he can sub-consciously improve those moves. Moreover his fighting prowess has been aknowledged by gun himself as all his moves are perfect. However since he has not honed his body himself and all of it is given to him he can't use it to its full extent leading to his base form fighting ability to not be very impressive comparing to the 4 crews so ya'll must be thinking, 'why is he even number 2?' Well it's because of a form only he and his other body can attain- ultra instinct. This form of his is so good that it made mortal enemies Jake Kim and Samuel Seo fight together to defeat him because they know how dangerous he is, he is the man who made SAMUEL SEO feel fear, the reason why it's crazy is because the reason Samuel didn't get aknowledged by gun even though he defeated all the 4 major crew heads is because he is too vicious, someone like him felt fear due to the mere presence of this man, he is so good that he made Charles Choi's fighting genius Tom Lee's student Goo who is on the same level as gun and stronger than all first generation kings go all out with his best weapon to defeat him, he is so good that when ge regained consciousness from fighting gun, he was in a favorable position and he actually broke gun's arm which is something no crew head has even come close to achieving.

1. Johan Seong

He is also one of the users who weild the copying ability and is regarded as one of the strongest fighters by many people in the entire series including the white tiger job center, he has gone toe to toe with Tom Lee, and is acknowledged by gun to be strongest crew head, infact he is so strong that he makes an entire crew God Dog by himself which is part of the 4 major crews. The fact that he makes an entire crew by himself is just astounding. Next in terms of feats, his strength is also aknowledged by gun and goo too, moreover in the 4 crew heads free for all, even though he lost first, gun and goo themselves stated that in 3 years (right now) johan will surpass all the crew heads. Moreover in the 4 crew heads meetup 3 years later with the strongest executives of workers and Eli Jang after training from Tom Lee , he was told to be the strongest in the room. Moreover in his rage form which his not even his strongest form he one shotted vasco and another guy on vasco's level. However his strongest form is when he copies perfect body ultra instinct Daniel, the beast mentioned above. With that he can copy him for a short time, but he is so strong that in that limited time he manged to defeat Yoosung, Eugene's twin brother who was rated to be in the level of or even stronger than a first gen king. Moreover Johan has the ability to improve during the fight due to copying the opponents moves, also he has now learnt cqc the most dangerous move of senior manager kim which is even feared by Tom Lee.

1. Yoosung The person we were just talking about, keep in mind this is going to be a much shorter description Than the others since he hasn't fought all that much compared to the others. He is an extremely powerful and swift person despite his small body, his physical attributes have also been aknowledged by Tom Lee himself and even gun. And as also told above, he is judged to be on the level of or better than a first gen king.
   
2. Sinu Han
   Lastly, here we are at the end of the list which took 5 rereads of the last 140 chapters or so and 2 weeks of procrastination.
   

Let's begin, Sinu Han or the god of combat, or the protector of big deal street or the boy of promise. He is a man of many titles. He is one of only 3 people who have the ability of attacking so fast that their opponent can't even see their attacks. To be honest, if this were a list of strongest base form then he will be in the top 3 but since he does not have any other forms like a crazed form where the persons heart feels warm or an ultra instinct form, he is not higher on this list. He is so strong that gun acknowledged him to be the strongest crew head in gangseo, keep in mind that back then sinu wasn't at his strongest form. Currently he is so strong that he surpasses first generation kings which was said by I think Seokdu Wang or Taesoo Ma, I don't remmeber properly. He has fought many people in workers second affiliate to surpass all levels and reach this stage. When he is angry, he managed to defeat all big deal executives and workers executives with ease. So far only Jake has been able to see his attacks that is also all because of his no genes. Right now also, he alone is able to take on both Eli Jang and Warren Chae both at their strongest.
Characters who barely missed the list- Eli Jang and Warren Chae
Characters too strong for the list- Doo Lee and Yenna
Suggestions are appreciated

3x Gather Rates 2x Sulfur 3x Components & Scrap

• Building and Level 1 Workbench blueprints unlocked
• Additional Recyclers and Faster Recycling
• Increased stack sizes
• Smelting and Crafting time decreased
• Some minicopters spawn on the roads
• Increased shoreside boat spawns
• SAM Sites act in a similar fashion to shotgun traps and flame turrets by checking if players operating vehicles are authorized on the cupboard.
• Drone marketplaces at Fishing Villages & Ranches
• Faster nights
• Food doesn't burn
• Rewards for joining Discord.
• Map wipes weekly
• Fullwipes/BPs at forced

Our server has been tested and optimized to reduce the time spent on farming and to provide the perfect Vanilla experience for you. We also operate on the best hardware possible for a lag-free experience.
NO TP/NO HOME/NO TRADING PLUGINS. We build this server around performance and to keep the experience immersive for our players.
To connect to our server you can F1(console) and then type "client.connect 216.126.207.134 " or you can find us in the Modded servers section typing "LaPonton" in the search bar.
Map: ground underground
Website: laponton.top
For discord: discord.laponton.top
Server ip: 216.126.207.134
Server dns: rust.laponton.top
Rust+ app working
✔If you have any question please leave a comment

Withania somnifera (ashwagandha) is one herb vastly admired at the time that an rasayana (tonic) in the Indian Ayurvedic system of medicine. It is used current various disease action, specially as a nerve tonic.
In outlook about these details, many scientific studies accept do aimed into study its adaptogenic/anti stress activity in part. In one experimental standard, it enhanced resolution new rats current one swimming endurance test and prevented adrenal changes current ascorbic acid and cortisol layer acquired by swimming stress. showed powerful preservation.
WS has anti-tumor effects against Chinese Hamster Ovarian Cancer (CHO). It was also found to be effective against urethaneinduced lung adenoma in mice. Long-term treatment with WS controlled the condition in some cases of uterine fibroids, cutaneous sarcomas.
It has a cognitive-enhancing event and act useful as children with low memory and the aging by amnesia. It include also obtain presented via do useful in neurodegenerative diseases such as Parkinson's, Huntington's and Alzheimer's. It has rest exhibited to admit GABA-mimetic effects also promote dendrite development.
It has anti-anxiety properties and improves energy levels and mitochondrial health. It is an antiinflammatory and anti-arthritic agent and accept obtain found useful in clinical cases of rheumatoid arthritis and osteoarthritis.
Full: https://ijhssm.org/issue_dcp/Historical,%20Chemical%20and%20Cardiovascular%20Perspective%20on%20Ashwagandha.pdf
Note: if you liked the article, please click Join (if you haven't already) on the front page to encourage the effort and support free private enterprise. Thank you!

Hi all,
I had an earlier post asking for advice on historical sites to visit. From that I've set up what I think is a feasible itinerary, focusing on history. Any final advice? I've only booked my flight to Bangkok so everything else is still open. Where there's an overlapping day between destinations I consider it a travel day, so I'll plan nothing but getting from one place to another. I've done full day drives/24 hour bus rides before so that's not a big deal for me as long as it's actually doable, but as far as I've seen in my planning none of the journeys will take that long.
Bangkok 25 nov - 1 dec with an Ayutthuya daytrip, for the rest its all open. I don't get flight sick so I have no need for recovery, but I imagine the city has enough to see. After this all the inland steps are using mainly trains, and else the bus. From Chiang Mai to Bangkok will be by plane
Phetchaburi 1 - 3 Mainly for the temples, maybe a short walk among the beach but I don't really care for that
Kanchanaburi 3- 5 For the WW2 history
Sukhothai 5- 8. I'll use Sukhothai as a base, and after seeing the ruins there spend one of the days there daytripping to Kamphaeng Phet as it's only a few hours. If possibly I have time left over I'll rent a cab to a more northern ruin site mentioned in my other post but I'm not counting on it. I'll leave with the bus to Phitsanulok. Research tells me there's an evening train, so I have some time to see the smaller temples there.
Chiang mai 8 dec - 13 With Chiang rai daytrip, and a Doi Inthanon daytrip. Most advice I saw mentioned taking it slow up there, so that's what I'll end up doing. In the off chance that this is not enough to fill my days there, I saw there were daytrips available to the more northern Chinese influenced villages
Bangkok 13 - 15 dec. Only place planes leave for Cambodia in this period I saw. I don't want to risk missing a flight with a self transfer after all I heard with delays, so I'll take a break day there before moving on
Siem Reap 15 dec - 19 dec Angkor Wat etc Pnomh Penh 19 dec - 22 genocide museum, killings fields etc. I imagine you all will have less advice for these steps, but if you got any tips feel free!

Hello! I am a newish runner who has lost 80 lbs in the past year and I am LOVING my few Lululemon purchases but can’t keep waiting for them in the wash. None of my old clothes fit! I’m on a budget so looking for gently worn items not at retail.
I’m looking for Wunder Trains in a 8, preferably with pockets. Fast & Frees or base pace in a 10. I’m 5’4” but with short legs in a hotter climate so cropped is preferred! 23” is my favorite.
I like any Swiftly or other running type tee in a 12 usually.
Would also love to own a scuba funnel for after workouts in a M/L.
I’m pretty not picky about colors but sweat a ton so dark bottoms are preferred.

my parents (44f, 43m) are getting divorced and my mom is making it incredibly difficult for everyone. also i’m apologizing in advance is 5:30am and i haven’t slept so it’s not gonna be worded the best this is also my first post i didn’t know where else to go :,)
i (19f) have two siblings (18f and 13m) my sister is heavily autistic and my brother is a trouble maker, he’s already been arrested before. my parents started their divorce because my mom cheated on my dad right after i graduated high school. now my family has never been the picture perfect family but it was okay, now my dad lives in california (we live in florida for context) he originally moved because of a job offer he couldn’t pass up, he was only supposed to be there for three months but decided to stay indefinitely. i used to be really close to my mom but after i found out how my dad found everything out i lost all respect for her .
(i apologize for all the details but i have no one else to tell, she sent nudes to someone and ended up getting black mailed out of 500 dollars she took from my dad) now my mom is acting like she’s 20 and has no responsibilities, my dad pays for everything, the house in fl, his rv in cali, groceries for my siblings and i because my mom refuses, the power, water, wifi, literally everything. she has a nice car and doesn’t even pay for that, though she’s supposed to. i’ve only called her out on this once, i told her she’s acting like she figured out 20 years too late she didn’t want kids. she’s always at her boyfriends house. she’s never home anymore, and when she is she only is for the night and is gone in the morning. my dad is constantly upset because he hates that my siblings and i have to go through this.

he’s offered for me to move in with him in cali so i have better options college wise and i’m seriously considering it. my only issue is my life here, i have a long term bf i’m very serious about and my best friend of 5 years i don’t know if i could live without. i hate living with my mom but she won’t let me get my license, she won’t let me get a job, so i can’t even save up to move out because she doesn’t want me to leave and lose her free babysitter. on the days i don’t see my bf i rot in my room and play video games. i don’t know what to do, i’m so stressed i really could use some advice. i’ll answer any questions, thank you for reading this i hope you have a nice day/night 

Before beginning this whole text of a heckhole, I want to mention: I am aware that I am the bad guy to an extent.
I think I want to start this whole ordeal from the beginning. I (20 F) am a second-year university student, studying an asian language. I was born in the capital city of our country and most of the closest maternal family members live there as well. Due to my paternal family living 2,5 hours away, and my father wanting to help them out, we moved to the countryside where my brother (18) was born.
I remember that around the time my brother was about to be born, I think I felt neglected and there are stories about me getting jelous over stuff with him, which also continued well into our teenager years. That's not particularly important, but I wanted to mention this, because the feeling of jelousy also came from the neglect that I might have gotten from my parents. My father wanted to have kids but he didn't really tend to us physically, nor mentally. I understand that there are people who just can't deal with kids and their world, the way they keep talking etc. Around the time my brother was born, my father went abroad to work there, and continued to come home every weekend. Due to the language barrier, which he continuously tried to close, he didn't have much of a patience. My mother had a very deep depression after my brother was born, which came down to me, a very outspoken little girl being quite annoying. My first trauma might have come from that, and also, my father didn't even try to help my mother get out of depression as far as I'm concerned, only my maternal parents (who moved with us to the countryside) were taking care of her.
Either way, I always felt that my brother got everything he asked for, while I always had to work really hard and even then I was always reprimanded that I have to take care of my brother while our parents are away (me 5-8, my brother 3-6), have to grow up, have responsibility towards my actions. Due to this I always felt like I wasn't really able to understand and get into the fun groups of my peers.
Backing up a bit, we had the old school discipline, slaps sometimes, verbal abuse sometimes, but the main things that I remember are stuff like: I was around 4-7 and wanted to play with my father. He said no multiple times but I really just wanted to connect with him and play. After maybe the 3-6th no, he got really mad and he shouted at me to get out he didn't want to play. Another time was when my mother asked me to give our dog (house with big garden, so dog lived outside) fresh water, but instructed me that the season being winter, I have to get the ice out with warm water and then give the dog a not so cold, nor warm water (maybe?). Either way, I did it the good way, however my father was outside the whole time, when I just finished changing the water he got there, misunderstood the whole situation and slapped me saying "what are you giving to the dog" or something along the line. A couple of seconds later I somehow communicated to him that I did it the right way so...yea.
I wanted to be fun to be with, to make lasting relationships, to be important to others. That's why at the age of 10-13 I got into a group of girls with whom I spent my time, etc, and also on whom I spent money. Foolish, yes, but I was desperate and wanted affection and appreciation. Someday I just realized that those same girls were whispering about me and blatantly looking at me while doing so. I became really sad and mad, which escalated into a shorter period of depression. (I have been going to therapy for another thing in the past 2 years, but recently my psychologist made me do a test about depression, so yes, the result came out pretty high which made me realise that even that event and before that I had some sort of depression, I/we just didn't realise that)
My mother was the first one to notice something was wrong and made my father (with whom I really didn't want to speak) give me a speech about how I should never think of myself as nothing and that I should just study and get better than everyone else. This was in 7th grade. That speech gave me motivation and my grades became much much better, I got into my desired high school, after which came uni. No, that experience of bullying was not in the least good, but without it I wouldn't be here, where I am.
Putting that aside, I wasn't really allowed to go to my classmates' parties etc, but I was almost fine with these during primary school. Getting into high school, I became friends with two groups of girls and I really enjoyed my time there. However my private life, my parents relationship to be precise, got worse. They argued a lot and in 10th grade, one night I was going to shower, my brother was locked up in his room, while our parents were arguing in the kitchen. I was already crying but I suddenly heard a thud, picked up a towel and finally went out to a scene where my mother was sitting, crying, my father standing next to her, one of his hands holding hers, the other one just up in the air as if trying to hit. I shouted to stop, my brother rushed out of his room the same time I did from the bathroom. It took a couple of seconds but my father finally looked at us and I swear I could see a kind of cloud getting out of his eyes. I mean I almost saw the rage cloud... I don't remember what exactly happened after that but that was one of the scariest things I have ever witnessed in real life.
Another major thing before getting into the present is that, (I am a summer child) I was 16, when 5 of us, all girls thought about going to the beach for one day. There's a lake around 1-2 hours away with train, we would have just gone for 6 hours at most. I asked my mom (nail artist) and her client where it would be allright to go, since out of 5 of us, it was only my father who maybe wouldn't have allowed me to go. My mother actually wanted to rush me out and just go, she was so happy haha. So everything was set, now I just had to call my father up and ask him so I did. He said that "I know you are a cool, strong girl, I believe in you but I think we should wait until you are 17" (literally 1,5 month away. I said okay, but later he said no again. I got over it pretty quickly but after about a month my mother told me that he actually called her up how it would be bad, what if I got a boyfriend, got pregnant and ruined my whole career and life, etc. She has been fuming for a while, but after knowing this, I immediately became even more reluctant of wanting to just not talk, interact with my father in any sort of way. Basically not even be near him. Nothing.
Fast forward, it was the week of exams, I got sick, so couldn't attend the math exam, so I had panic attacks wich stayed (and stay) with me for a long time after that. My father basically didn't even care, thought it was nothing, etc. But in the end, I graduated, it was all fine.
I moved to the capital for my studies and finally felt... Alive? Definitely a bit safer and much free than before. Like a dog finally getting out of leash haha
Depression and anxiety have been with me since childhood, but this time it got the best of me so the first semester of uni is the one I'm not very proud of. Didn't attend much of the classes, didn't study, and so on.
Now I'm in my fourth semester, my parents decided on buying an apartment near a bigger train station so that me and 2 other girls could live here. Since it's not yet complete, only I live here, but even though I live near the station, even the university is 30 minutes of transportation away, I do not under any circumstances want to go home. I'm an introvert, to be honest, I don't even have the motivation and energy to go to university sometimes. I do go, and I enjoy it very much, but I feel like I'm a huge failure of a human, can't study, I'm not fun to be with and so on. The exams, the stuff we have to learn and the homeworks are just so much I can barely keep up. Finally I managed to create a fairly good schedule when to do homeworks, relax a bit etc, but all I care about is the university with the homeworks because that's everything I have energy for.
I forget calling my parents, and to be honest, I don't want to talk with them because i feel like if I do, I always get back into the controlled situation. I get nervous, and even with my mother and brother I get very awkward.
To sum it up, I didn't have a normal childhood, always had to take responsibility and my subconscious just wants to live through that phase now. I want to be free, call my relatives when I feel I have enough energy for them and aside from that, just live life. But this "not even having a conversation" situation is why my parents say I'm a brat, unfaithful and so on. Yes, I have been brat like for a long time, that is true.
(Sorry for the long story!!)
Am I The [email protected]?

Galatians 6:14~"But God forbid that I should glory, save in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by whom the world is crucified unto me, and I unto the world."
"God forbid" ~Yet vain man pays no attention to Pauls' words, and seek to share the glory of man's salvation from sin and condemnation. They glory in two main ways: first, they truly believe man has a part in his salvation from sin and condemnation. Most all teach man has a free will with the ability/power to chose to love and follow God or the love of sin. They reject that man is totally depraved and is at enmity against God., etc. etc.
Secondly, that believe they have the power to saved man that is at enmity against God, by having them to say the sinner's prayer, etc. They reject John's teaching that man is not born of the will of the FLESH, or the will of man or the soul winner as they call them. They truly believe that man IS born of BOTH the will of the FLESH (man's decision to come) and the will of man, or, by preaching, or the soul winner. I have heard men boasting of the millions saved under their ministry.
While I agree men are saved "practically speaking" and converted unto the truth THROUGH preaching, yet only those who were FIRST born of God can hear, see and be converted to a more perfect understanding of the truth. Romans 1:16; 1st Corinthians 1:18-21, etc.
The true Israel of God only glories in the cross of Jesus Christ, were full payment for our sins were paid by the LIFE, DEATH and RESURRECTION of Jesus Christ. FULL payment was secured by Jesus' obedience and faith, period.
" If this is not one of your favorite verses, it should be. If it is, learn to love its every word. Paul defied Judaizers and glorying in circumcision by putting his whole religion in Christ. Paul used the strongest negative to deny association or compromise with the Judaizers’ glory. He has just explained and indicted the false teachers for false motives with circumcision . They gloried in getting Gentiles to follow them in the flesh by having cosmetic surgery.
Paul’s religion did not stoop to such ridiculous things, for his glory was in the cross of Christ. He dumbed down his message and chose one great theme – Christ crucified (I Cor 2:1-5). Save indicates he had nothing else to glory in at all – his glorying was entirely in Christ. Paul had more to glory about as a Jew than anyone (Phil 3:4-7; II Cor 11:18,30; 12:1)! But his great glory was in the death of Jesus Christ, which drove him (II Cor 5:13-16). He counted all things of this world, including O.T. religion, to be only dung (Phil 3:8-11). They mocked him and tried to kill him repeatedly for Christ (Acts 17:32; 20:23; 26:24). Men will glory in anything and everything but Jesus Christ, for He is foolishness to them.
Do you … glory in the religion of Christ? Is this the source and object of your fullest joy?
As you reflect on this question, compare your glorying to God’s definition (Jer 9:23-24).
How can you delight in the Lord, if the things of Christ’s religion bore you (Psalm 37:4)?
Do you have any comprehension of how great the gospel and religion of Jesus Christ are?
You know the only true and living God, and He came to earth 2000 years ago for you!
You know where Jesus Christ is right now with the most glorious names (I Tim 6:16)!
You know the cause of death, source of death, cure for death, and place of no more death!
You know there is an inheritance reserved for you in heaven that includes God Himself!
Do you … glory in the cross of Jesus Christ? Is His death and resurrection a great joy to you?
Do you look forward to the Lord’s Supper for remembering His death until He comes?
Does His death for you constrain you to think of living for Him in payment (II Cor 5:14)?
Are you delighted in the free gift of eternal life obtained by His death alone (Rom 5:19)?
Do you glory in such a gospel of free grace compared to the systems of works of men?
Do you delight remembering His physical, nonphysical, devilish, and spiritual torment?
The cross is not something you wear around your neck or have on the wall of your house.
The use of cross here is a metonym, the place of death being substituted for His death.
Do you … consider the world crucified to you? All that the world can offer is only vanity?
Do you despise and hate all that is in the world – lusts and pride (I Jn 2:15-17; Jas 4:4)?
Do you understand, accept, and delight in serving only one Master (Matt 6:24; Jas 4:8)?
Could you die for Jesus Christ? But better yet, can you live for Him against the world?
If you were to lose everything but still had Jesus Christ and His gospel, is it enough?
Do you … prove that you are crucified to the world? They despise and hate you for Christ?
All that live godly in Christ Jesus shall suffer persecution (II Tim 3:12). Are you godly?
Do they recognize you are different by character, conduct, clothing, speech, and actions?
How many enemies do you have for the sake of Christ alone without any faults yourself?
A glorious Saviour died, under glorious circumstances, out of glorious love, after a glorious life of righteousness, after a glorious testimony before Pilate, with glorious mercy to sinners, for the glorious purpose of redeeming His elect, and rose gloriously from the dead to the right hand of God Almighty, where He reigns gloriously, reserving a glorious inheritance for you, and He is coming soon in glory to take you to heaven. What keeps you from glorying?
What will you glory in? Your looks, which are fading every day? Your accomplishments, which are nothing at all? Your wealth, which you cannot take with you? Your thoughts, which are deceitful delusions? Your friends, which cannot help you? Your strength, which is nothing and quickly disappearing? Your wisdom, which is folly in His sight and cannot save you? Your religious devotion, concerning which He will consign many to hell? Your knowledge, which is void of truth. Your future, when you cannot even boast of tomorrow?"....J.R. Crosby

I don't know whether it's most APs or just mine but my parents don't know how to act decently in public. It's spring break for me and we're visiting Europe. Everybody on the train is quiet... Except for my parents. Due to their lack of planning, they were to talking (yelling) about their plans for the entire ride. It was so embarassing because I could see one guy trying to sleep but gave up because my parents were so loud. I told them to stop yesterday and they hit me with the "ok we'll try" and then did it again today. Why do they think it's just ok to act like this in public?