Reaction fanfiction

CW/TW: Trauma? and Cursing
Though I feel like I have to express this, I'm not looking for someone to diagnose me, I'm trying to figure out if these are infact signs of OSDD and if I should bring this up with my next therapist.
I have quite a few issues going on in my life at the moment, I've been told I've had depression, anxiety, adhd (ADHD was from a Psychologist, and the other two were diagnosis from my primary doctor but nothing else happened), and for a while I was thinking I had autism.
Onto the important stuff; I have an extremely difficult time remembering most events in my childhood, though I can remember some of the bad details. Early on, my parents were divorced, and my mother took me in from a young age but had to work frequently. I was made to do things on my own, almost never getting help, and after a while, being isolated and rarely seeing my mother and stepdad. I can vaguely remember when I was younger, being forced to do things I don't like. Don't like to swim? Okay, I'll drag you into the pool and try to force you, Lied about taking medicine: everything except a mattress taken away. Expected to get good grades, help you? Oh, I don't know that, don't ask me. They also constantly, even now, talk about me behind my back, “Oh they’re just an attention seeker.” ”You look like a cancer patient or look like you belong in an asylum with your head shaved.” ”We’re afraid that you're gonna hurt us. We were thinking of putting locks on our doors.” oh then why do you leave me home with your fucking 8 year old? “We’re teaching them how to be an independent adult.” No, I didn’t need to be independent at fucking 7, I needed someone to be there and support me.
This was only my Mother and Stepfather, my Dad and Stepmom? I love them dearly but they dealt a slight hand in what I went through. They constantly argued around me, not as much now but they still did. They didn’t beat me, my father did spank me on occasion. I can remember when they yelled at me though, when I was holding back tears and had to blink them away, they yelled more for me “rolling my eyes”.
Now, I don't know if this is enough to cause OSDD, but that’s what I went through.
I also have a friend with OSDD, which makes me question if I’m faking the signs? I talked to my old therapist and went through the dsm-5 for DID, I did relate to it so we went and took a questionnaire together and I believe I got around 40 and minimum for DES is a 30 and maximum is 100, I retook it just now and got another 40.
I’ll state my answers, and a few have explanations on why I put those
Not remembering trips taken in vehicles: 60
Listening to someone talk and not remembering all/most of what was said: 80
Finding self in a place and didn’t know how you got there: 20, I don’t go to new places frequently enough to give an accurate score
Don't remember putting on clothes you wear: 10, I don’t think frequently about my attire but I have forgotten basic things like deodorant or my headphones and the like
Finding things you don’t remember buying: 0, I don’t buy stuff frequently, so I could not respond
Approached by people who say they know you or call you by a different name: 0, never happened to me that I can remember as I am also not a people person
Feel like you standing next to yourself and watching yourself do something: 20, yes and no, I have felt like a puppet before, but I don't believe I have seen myself in 3rd POV
Told that they do not recognize friends or family: 10, I have a very small circle of friends and family, but it has happened before.
No memory of important life events: 60
Accused of lying when you didn’t think you were: 20, rare, but I have also felt like I was lying when I was telling the truth
Looking in a mirror and not recognizing yourself: 100, I know it’s my body in the mirror as I can see it respond to my motions but it more feels like a player looking into a mirror to see a random avatar
The world does not feel real: 30, I don’t feel like it often, but sometimes it doesn’t
Feel like body doesn’t belong to you: 90, my body nor my brain, it feels like I’m a puppet mirroring the emotions and reactions of the puppeteer
Remember past events so vividly it almost feels real: 10, I can’t remember my past often
Don't be sure whether things happened or if it was a dream: 30
I'm in a familiar place but feel strange or unfamiliar: 20, what happened 2 times I remember, and it just felt off
Watching television or movies but getting absorbed to the point where you become unaware of surroundings: 50
Involved in a fantasy or dream to the point where it feels like it happened to them: 60, I have full-on conversations with characters
Find self able to ignore pain: 0
Do you find yourself staring off into space thinking of nothing, unaware of the passage of time: 90
When alone you talk to yourself: 80, I used to talk to who I thought was Loki (Norse), Ares (Greek) and Dionysus (Greek) when I was unaware of OSDD and DID, and still, sometimes I feel like I’m being watched whenever I read content (fanfiction, ect) involving them. Besides that, I still talk to myself.
Acting differently in one situation than another, almost as if you're two different people: 70
Sometimes your able to do things with ease, then the next it becomes difficult: 50
Cannot, remember if you have done certain things or if you just thought about it: 40, I’ve had to check things like doors up to 2 separate times because i couldn’t figure it out
Find evidence of doing things you don't remember doing: 20
Finding writing, drawings, or notes that you don't remember making: 0, I usually don’t think too deeply if I remember doing this or not
Sometimes you hear voices in your head telling you to do things or comment on thing your doing: 60, I’ve had full-blown arguments in my head on if I’m faking, or telling them to shut up, which not that I think about it makes this entire post a little dumb
Feels like your looking at the world through a fog or object far away appear unclear: 40, sometimes my eyes go blurry for no reason and makes it seem a bit staticky along with my brain becoming extremely cloudy but that could just be me being dehydrated.
Anyways, that’s the post; TLDR, I am mentally ill one way or another, and I’m trying to figure out if my arguments with myself are alters or not, and if I should talk to my next therapist about it.

I am female and I am extremely repulsed by female genitalia, specifically any kind of direct contact stimulation down there. I cannot spread my lips down there or touch on the inner part of my labia area at all without crying or having a panic attack. I am able to insert tampons and clean myself but that’s the most I can handle. I cannot watch videos of females being touched down there or even pictures of the anatomy.
I have had penetrative sex many times in my life and I don’t have a problem with penis in vagina sex as long as I am not touched elsewhere, but sex is not something I ever really crave or had an urge to do. Every time I’ve had sex I would just be hoping for it to be over already, the entire time. The only reason I’ve ever had sex was because I felt obligated to and all I ever wanted was a relationship. I’ve come to think that I may be on the asexual spectrum.
When I have told people about my female genitalia repulsion and my inability to touch myself or let anyone touch me for sexual pleasure down there or watch anyone be touched down there, people tell me that it sounds like I have repressed trauma and need to go to a doctor. The thing is, I have never been sexually abused in my life. When I think about my genitals or other female’s genitals I have a knee jerk reaction and want to cry and puke. It reminds me of, like, surgery. It causes me great distress thinking about it. I also have what I call an “eyeball phobia”— I have panic attacks thinking about or watching people insert contacts or pulling on their eyelids. My phobia of female genitals reminds me exactly of this.
I am not disgusted by male genitals at all. Penises are aesthetically pleasing to me. I am also romantically attracted to all genders I think, and enjoy kissing and affectionate behaviors with people I like. I am just struggling to understand myself. I do have sexual fantasies (minus female genital stimulation) but I don’t have the desire to act on them. I enjoy fanfiction with sex and movies with sex.
I guess i just want to know if anyone relates to anything I’m saying. The only people I’ve heard of having even a semblance of idea of what I’m experiencing are trans folk who have gender dysphoria, which I cannot relate to. I dont have an issue being a woman. If I were born with a penis I think I would have preferred that and I’m not scared of penises, but I don’t feel like a man or want to/am able to get a sex change. Im confused what is wrong with me

I am female and I am extremely repulsed by female genitalia, specifically any kind of direct contact stimulation down there. I have had penetrative sex many times in my life and I don’t have a problem with that, but it is not something I ever really crave or had an urge to do. Every time I’ve had sex I would just be hoping for it to be over already, the entire time. The only times I enjoyed sex were when I had an emotional connection with the guy. I only enjoyed it because I thought it was love. I’d put up with whatever they wanted to do because I wanted a relationship. This led to me only being used for sex by people who didn’t care about me though because I didn’t know better.
When I have told people about my female genitalia repulsion and my inability to touch myself or let anyone touch me for sexual pleasure down there or watch anyone be touched down there, people tell me that it sounds like I have repressed trauma and need to go to a doctor. The thing is, I have never been sexually abused in my life. When I think about my genitals or other female’s genitals I have a knee jerk reaction and want to cry and puke. It reminds me of, like, surgery. It causes me great distress thinking about it.
I am not disgusted by male genitals at all. I am also romantically attracted to all genders I think, and enjoy kissing and affectionate behaviors with people I like. I am just struggling to understand myself. I do have sexual fantasies (No female genital stimulation) but I don’t have the desire to act on them. I enjoy fanfiction with sex and movies with sex.
I guess i just want to know if anyone relates to anything I’m saying. I have never heard from anyone who can relate to me.

Is a disagreeing comment a rude comment?
Explanation below:
A friend who is an ex-fanfic writer talked to an editor. They were going to de-fanfictize her fanfic and she vented about the comments the editor made in her work. There were so many MANY red. There were green ones, (the ones the editor likes about the story) but red overpowered the green.
She was so angry about it she wanted to quit, but can't because she is under a contract. She thinks that since it's her work, there was no need of revision, aside from the grammamisspells.
So to elaborate a question:
If a comment hurts/frustrated/ticks the ff writer, is that supposed to be a bad criticism even if the comment is constructively/politely?
Or are ff writers suppose to only take comments that make them feel good?
For someone who rarely receives comments in my fanfic, I feel like some comments of some ff writers get, even with the bad grammaconstruction (Maybe the reader's first language isn't English.) is an invitation to a discussion regarding the fanfic/canon/etc, but not necessarily a troll/rude comment.
I get that we put up our work for free and and if some anonymous reader suddenly disagrees in some aspect of the ff, it is disheartening, sometimes, vexing.
This is just me, but when I receive some constructively/politely put comments that disagree with how I portray the characters/canon/anything in the fanfic, I feel compelled to listen and discuss. They took their time to read the chapters, and they want to get a reaction across. In my opinion, isn't that quite touching, that they have something to say about the fanfic? Maybe they could've used better words, but to be frustrated/angry over a perfectly polite yet disagreeing comment takes away an opportunity to grow as an ff writer? (if the ff writer is committed to growth) Is it not an opportunity to gain fresh perspective?
But of course, it's a different story with an outright bullying/passive-aggressive hate is involved. I used to receive them, (violent ones on multiple chapters too) and those are the things I ignore/report.
Of course, I can't say this because I just know she will get angry for not taking her side. I just wish that she sees those comments a positive sign rather than an unsolicited punishment.
What are your thoughts about this?

I have been on this community since 2019 as an avid fanfic reader and have already read a lot of fanfictions. I surely know that there's alot of hidden gems out here, But I would like to list my favorites ones anyways.
Remenbering that It's my personal opinion. And that everything has them flaws.
(There is no rank; it's just a list free of spoilers.)
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Classroom of the Elite: Checkmate
Author ~ Kiku_6037
Type ~ Mature, Psychological, Machiavellian Schemer
Status ~ Ongoing
Approximate Reading Time ~ 40h+

• This is certainly one of the most dense, psychological, and well-written fics of all this list. With each chapter averaging around 10,000 words!
Is fascinating how brutal Ayanokouji can be on this story. Dont even hesitanting on using dissimulated ways to achieve his objectives.
The writing is excellent and detailed, and the author takes the story seriously at all times. Full of nuances and small details, playing with our 'readers' minds and emotions very well. Even you would feel immersed!
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Classroom of the Elite: Self-Test Series
Author ~ Izaya-Hasegawa
Type ~ Ayanokouji doesn't hold back
Status ~ Finished / With Continuations
Approximate Reading Time ~ 25h+

• The most suitable and beginner-friendly fanfic as according to the original source. One which the plot and quality rivals and even surpasses the LN. You can clearly see the efforts that the Author made here.
The plot is really interesting, with clear and unpredictable deviations from the original storyline. and the crafting of the story by itself is actually really intriguing and unique.
I would like to emphasis on how the Author writes each characters as well, being it, in a vivid and real way, instead of the usual Authors that dont treat them characters as humans.
With such enjoyable and clear writing, It's easily and surely one of the best "Ayanokouji doesn't hold back" fics out here.
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COTE: Last Elite Standing
Author ~ Kawaii_Lumine
Type ~ Death game, Mature, Psychological, Insanity
Status ~ Ongoing / Maybe Discontinued
Approximate Reading Time ~ 13h+

• Controversial and unpredictable, This is for sure one of the most creative pieces that ever touched the light. Basically speaking, a death game was planned by a insane psychotic Chairman! The story evolves from it, taking wings by it self. Being truly unpredictable, and full of plot twist!
To mystery to character development, this author writes everything well, and don't makes things easier for Ayanokouji.
"Despair and hope are the same things. You wish for something you can't have."
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The Darkness he Carries
Author ~ Tjones951
Type ~ Reaction, Whiteroom
Status ~ Finished / With Continuations
Approximate Reading Time ~ 6h+

• For sure the best reaction fiction I have ever read. For example, instead of the characters reacting to events that we already know, We together react to the same mysteries. Being It, Ayanokouji hard past in the form of White Room camera records. This dynamic by itself involves and immerses yourselves on this melancholic and absurd past of Ayanokoiji very well.
The way the Author writes the characters of both the past and the future seems really alive, developing theories, concerns and even changing through the story. Developing two stories at the same time.
"Spending a lot of time with something does not mean knowing everything about it"
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CROSSOVERS
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Top-Tier Character Ayanokouji-kun
Author ~ Juli0os
Type ~ Character Development, Romance, (and more...)
Crossover ~ "Low-Tier Character Tomozaki-kun"
Status ~ Ongoing
Approximate Reading Time ~ 15h+

• People generally don't know the basis of a good crossover, that being the deviations from the original storyline. But this author knows this very well and accurately writes a story of Ayanokouji in the world of "Low-Tier Character Tomozaki-kun" and how he would really impact the original storyline.
Putting that aside, the author's writing is really enjoyable, interesting and unpredictable at times. Unfolding the narrative and the characters in an unique way. Also emphasizing Kiyotaka's development as a human being through the story.
This story is independent from each universe, being something completely new.
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Integrating Into Adventurer Society
Author ~ 02ragnar
Type ~ Fantasy "Adventure"
Crossover ~ "Danmachi"
Status ~ Finished
Approximate Reading Time ~ 8h+

• As I said before, the basis of a good crossover are the deviations from the original storyline. And this Author takes it into another level. Rather than taking deviations from the original plot, He creates a brand new plot. Instead of just replacing the original center of the world (aka Protagonist) with Ayanokouji, He creates a other center. Thus making it even more interesting, enjoyable, and unpredictable.
The dissimulated journey that Ayanokouji takes is truly fascinating, and how we follow his growth as an adventurer as well.
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What do you think? Something grasp your interest? Do you disagree with me? Or do you have other recommendations as well?
Feel free to comment :)
I also encourage readers to do their own reviews posts as well. We need to motivate the authors in some way!
By Decodeggos

my best friend doesnt have adhd, but shes -very- familiar with it through me. she knows my brain inside and out and knows and understands what i struggle with. i love her to death and this issue pains me a great deal.
she loves to write stories, mostly fanfiction about her favorite game apex legends. this game is not really of interest to me, i suck at fps games, i suck at online competitive games and its just not my jam. as such, i dont know most of the lore and characters from that game as deeply as she does. she tells me about all the stories she writes, and sends them to me when i ask for them. when i ask, i do so with the genuine intention to read them, but i can never muster the motivation and willpower to actually read them.
i used to be an avid reader when i was younger, tho over the years ive become even more particular in what i can and cannot read. a story has to have the right vibes, writing style, pacing, everything needs to be Just Right for me to be able to get myself through it. and fanfiction is even worse, i need to Know the characters, i need to be able to see the characters do whatever they do in the story and my suspension of belief is thrown off very quickly if writers dont get that Just Right. because i dont know apex legends, i dont Know the characters and i cant see them do whatever my best friend writes for them. also, something about reading things (stories, poetry, songs, etc) written by people i know makes my brain want to eat itself. i would love to know how to fix that in general.
yesterday she told me shes losing her motivation to write because she gets very little reaction to her stories. i know im a contributing factor to that and i feel awful about it. whenever i apologize for not reading something shes sent me, she tells me not to worry about it because she knows me and my brain. i love her for that, but i would also love to just be able to make myself do this for her.
does anyone have any advice?

Hi, all,
Context first: I used to use only Tumblr for many years, but when the Exodus happened, I migrated to Twitter. While I was on Twitter, I became more confident making my own original tweets with my thoughts and became very used to the style of the website.
I liked to use Twitter to make *very* long threads where I would draft fanfiction or liveblog reactions to stuff I was reading. I would add one tweet at a time to the thread, so sometimes they would get super long. But, it wouldn't matter to Twitter users, because Twitter generates an automatic read-more, of kinds.
Example of what I mean (screenshot of my tweets) (content is not important, just format)
But, I know that back when I was on Tumblr, the usual amount of posts people did per day was like... 10 posts, tops. At least, in my circle of who followed me!
So, Question: I want to migrate back to Tumblr, but I want to adapt my style of content to be less spammy (since there is no auto-readmore) and more appropriate for the "big, single post" style of Tumblr... But... This really doesn't match with how my brain works. Should I made one big post with lots of "greentext" (like this)? Should I make a sideblog just for textposts I make? Should I just emulate the Twitter style and make massive "thread" posts by reblogging the same thing and adding more each time?? What would be best...?

I did not realize that I published this on Oklahoma's launch day. I suppose this is a intresting coinincidence.
As per usual, you can find this work Here and Here. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Enterprise made her way to the medical wing of the base. She walked up to Vestal’s desk.
“Excuse me, where can I find an Irving Reese”
Vestal looked at a spreadsheet that was on her computer.
“He is in intensive care, room 204. Follow me.”
Enterprise followed Vestal.
What Enterprise saw shook her to her core.
It was her boyfriend, Irving Reese, covered in dried blood, with so many tubes coming in and out of him.
Vestal took Enterprise aside to comfort her and give her some news.
“He sustained grave injuries. He is in a coma. It might take him some time to wake up.”
“Can I hold his hand, or at least look at him through the glass?”
Vestal nodded and got Enterprise a chair to sit in.
Irving was in a void.
Was this it? Was this death?
Irving felt like he was floating, like a cork in the sea.
He was outside of an apartment window, trying to look into it.
He saw Shinano beside him.
“What are you doing here?”
“I am showing you a potential future that could happen to you.”
Irving squinted and looked through the windows. Snow had covered it slightly.
He saw a man with a woman and a young child. The boy appeared to be older, around five or six years old, and had his father’s brown hair but his mother’s purple eyes. There was also a young girl who looked like a copy of Enterprise. They were all dressed in Christmas sweaters and having a good time.
The man was sitting on a recliner, while the woman was on his lap.
“Who are they?”.
“They are you, Enterprise, and your children, Mr. Reese.”
Irving’s eyes went wide. He wanted to marry Enterprise and start a family with her.
“What are their names?”
Shinano shook her head.
“Irving, this is only a potential future. It is up to you to make those choices. You will know once you do.”
Irving shook his head.
“What does any of that mean?”
Shinano disappeared. Soon, the apartment window also disappeared and Irving was alone.
Enterprise was at Irving’s bedside. It had been two weeks, and Irving had still not woken up.
The medical team had healed his lungs, and he was breathing on his own, but he was still not out of his coma.
The Commander walked into the room where Irving and Enterprise were. He saw that Enterprise was holding Irving’s hand. She was weeping quietly.
“Enterprise. Irving will awaken when he feels like it.”
Irving had to wake up.
He had to live his life, not only for himself but for Enterprise and the others.
Irving felt everything turn white.
Was this it?
Enterprise had her eyes closed. The Commander was getting ready to leave when Enterprise noticed that one of Irving’s green eyes had opened.
Enterprise’s eyes lit up.
“Commander! Irving’s waking up! Get Vestal in here!”
Irving was silent, but he gave Enterprise a look that everything was going to be okay.
Vestal and Robert made their way to Irving. They smiled and talked to him.
“Looks like you live to fight another day. Eh, Irving?”
“His fighting days are over. I don’t know if you know that, Mr. Harper.”
Enterprise did not care.
Irving was awake and able to be with her.
Two days passed.
The Commander looked at Irving. Irving was shirtless, and they covered his chest with bandages. This was nothing like the injuries that he had suffered when the girls found him.
Vestal was also there, along with Enterprise. Irving was in a wheelchair, and they were about to discharge him from the hospital.
The Commander spoke to Irving.
“Sergeant Reese. Following your heroic actions in defending Musashi and Azur Lane. I am honored to not only allow you back to the Eagle Union side of the base, but to award you the Bronze Star for your actions. We have awarded you the Purple Heart for your injuries sustained during the engagement. We have also discharged you from combat duties due to combat injuries.”
Irving gave the Commander a look of relief.
Irving smiled. He could soon start his life with Enterprise. He wanted to fulfill the wishes he wrote in the photo of them on the beach.
Enterprise put a white undershirt and a blue cardigan on Irving.
“You ready to go?”
Irving nodded, and she pushed the wheelchair to her car. She picked up Irving to put him in the car and returned the wheelchair to the hospital..
Enterprise drove to the Eagle Union dorms. Irving would need help, as his arm was still in a sling.
“Don’t worry honey, I’ll help take care of you.”
Irving nodded. He was in no shape to take care of himself fully. His broken arm would make that difficult.
“You can now focus on being with me, okay?”
Irving smiled. He could start his life with Enterprise, free from all the fighting.
He was no longer Irving Reese, Sergeant, 29th Infantry Division, bodyguard to Enterprise.
He was now just Irving Reese. Enterprise’s boyfriend.
“Maybe even Irving Reese, Enterprise’s husband.” Irving thought to himself.
Enterprise parked the car and got out. She picked up Irving and carried him. Enterprise knew that Irving would walk again soon, but until then she would carry him to the dorms.
Irving saw Malcolm and Oklahoma were waiting for them. Malcolm and Oklahoma’s blue eyes went wide at the sight of Irving being awake.
“You’re awake!”
The thought of his friend being out of a coma and awake brought a smile to Malcolm’s face.
Enterprise placed Irving on his feet. She held him up while Malcolm embraced him.
“I thought you were a goner!”
Irving smiled. He was relieved that Malcolm was alright.
Irving adjusted to no longer being on combat duty. He had been on combat duty for such a long time that it almost integrated some parts into him like instinct.
The hardest part was not getting up early to put on his uniform. He was so used to doing that as soon as he got up.
However, for Irving, there was one person who was worth getting up in the morning for.
Enterprise would often be next to him, sleeping. Irving would often make breakfast for Enterprise and himself.
Irving was walking again. He had to help Enterprise out as she was helping him out.
“I should try to cook something for the two of us.” Irving thought to himself.
Irving’s cooking skills had improved since he had returned to base. He cooked scrambled eggs and bacon without burning them. This was an improvement from being barely able to cook pasta without burning it.
However, thanks to the injured arm. He needed the help of Enterprise, as he only had one arm to work with.
Irving often had to go to Vestal for treatment to help heal his injured lungs.
“Thanks for the patches, Vestal.” The nicotine patches were a lifesaver, as he could no longer smoke.
“I’ll give any Lucky Strikes I get to Malcolm. I’m sure he’ll love them.”
A couple of months had gone by since Irving had returned to the Eagle Union side of the base.
Irving’s arm and shoulder blade had healed. Vestal’s healing paste had worked like a charm.
Irving felt the odd cold paste on his shoulder as it did its work. He shivered as the cold goo touched his skin. After around fifteen minutes, Vestal turned to look at Irving. She removed his arm from the sling.
“Try moving your arm, Mr. Reese.”
Irving nodded as he moved his arm. He grimaced at first, as it had been a while since he could move his arm. Soon, Irving swung the arm and smiled.
“That goo is amazing!”
Vestal smiled. She knew that “goo” was an odd, but fitting nickname for the “healing paste” that she had.
Irving was often quite busy doing the odd job for the other shipgirls. This time, he didn’t mind. He knew that the odd job here and there was worth it to be with Enterprise.
He was often busy doing his treatments with Vestal to heal his injured lungs.
Vestal had a stethoscope on Irving’s chest to listen to his breathing.
“Your breathing sounds good, Mr. Reese.”
Irving nodded. He had been listening to Vestal’s orders to the tee. He worked hard to become fully healed for both himself and Enterprise.
Irving decided that he and Malcolm would hang out at the bar on base, as they wanted to talk to each other.
Irving made his way to the bar and ordered a drink.
Malcolm joined him, and the two talked.
“So, when are you gonna propose to Oklahoma?”
Malcolm pulled up a small box containing a ring. He smiled as he looked at the small golden object.
“I was planning on doing it tonight, on the beach,”
Irving nodded.
“Hey, Bartender. Two beers for me and my friend here!”
Once the beers were served, Irving started a toast. He had a wide grin on his face.
“To you, Malcolm. I hope it all goes well.”
“To me.”
They laughed as they clinked their glasses together. The two men drank their beers.
“Do you want Enterprise and I to be there for it?”
“I would love to see Enterprise’s reaction”
“How would you want me to convince her? I want her to be surprise, and she might find it strange that we are both going to the beach in the evening.”
Malcolm smirked.
“Tell her you want to go on a date on the beach. I know that you guys have not had a beach date in a while.”
Irving nodded.
“Of course. That’s the perfect cover. I’ve been wanting to go on another beach date, anyway.”
Irving nodded and paid for the beers.
“Well, good luck Malcolm. I hope it all goes well.”
Irving entered Enterprise’s room. She was sitting on the couch, petting Grim.
Irving sat down on the couch and asked Enterprise the question.
“Hey, you want to go to the beach tonight? It’s been a while since we were on a date.”
Enterprise turned and kissed Irving on the lips.
“Of course. I’ve been wanting to be with you ever since you got discharged.”
Soon, they were on the beach. Irving was wearing his white swim trunks and a white tank top to cover up his injuries. While Enterprise was in her white bikini top with a black bikini bottom. Irving smiled.
“You want to go to where the waves are?”
Enterprise nodded, and the couple went to the surf. They splashed each other with seawater, laughing with delight.
“You act like you haven’t see the ocean all that much.”
Irving smiled.
“I have. I grew up in Brooklyn, after all.”
The couple walked back up to the beach. Irving and Enterprise were holding hands and smiling.
Irving saw Oklahoma and Malcolm, and he gave Malcolm a wink and a nod. Irving and Enterprise walked up to the couple. Malcolm broke the silence.
“Okie, you have made me the happiest man in my life.”
Oklahoma was blushing. She was wearing a white bikini, and she knew that Malcolm and her had been together for a long time.
She knew this could only mean one thing.
Malcolm went down on one knee and opened the box containing a ring. The aquamarine on it shone like a star.
“Oklahoma. Will you marry me?”
Oklahoma covered her mouth and cried tears of joy. She nodded and answered his question.
“Yes.”
She was trying not to lose her words in her tears of joy.
Malcolm and Oklahoma leaned into each other and kissed on the lips. Enterprise was looking at the scene with a shocked look on her face.
Irving smiled, and Enterprise embraced and kissed Irving.
Malcolm and Oklahoma laughed.
“Looks like you guys might be next!”
Irving turned to face Oklahoma.
“I’ll make sure that you guys get married first!”
Enterprise and Irving continued with their beach date.
They knew that Malcolm and Oklahoma would make a great husband and wife.

(coughs awkwardly) … quiet week, huh?
So I don’t have any surveys to back this up, but I’m going to go out on a limb and assume that the vast majority of y’all are at least vaguely familiar with Hamilton, voluntarily or otherwise. I’m also going to assume that most of you are familiar with the trend of unexpected cultural phenomena being followed by a wave of imitators hoping to ride the coattails to success. Old Town Road blew up on the clock app, now record labels are judging songs for TikTok memeability. Twilight mania saw everyone and their dog rushing out YA adaptations. Blue space people Avatar was followed by 4 years of Sony trying to sell us 3D TVs.
Hamilmania was no exception, which brings us to the Roundabout Theatre Company. Presumably with cartoonish dollar signs in their eyes, they asked themselves “how can we get in on the action?” Eventually, they settled on a solution: dust off the book for 1776, a musical from the 1960s which also happens to be set in the American Revolution and give it the ol’ Hamilton treatment. The idea was simple: take this musical about a bunch of long-dead rich old white guys, replace them with a racially-diverse cast of female/non-binary/trans performers, remix the songs ever so slightly and watch the critical praise roll in. Co-directors Diana Paulus and Jeffrey Page got to work in early 2020, which needless to say complicated things a little bit. But after many delays, the revival finally premiered on Broadway in September 2022… to mixed reviews.
One area that was not up for critique however were the performances themselves. Many critics were especially generous to Sara Porkalob, a Filipina-American woman who was specifically headhunted by Diana Paulus to play the role of a pro-slavery white supremacist. As far as I can tell, she wasn’t really a part of the Broadway establishment, instead coming up from the Seattle indie theatre scene, which from what I gather is pretty insular. Is this relevant for later? Probably. Anyway, before all of (gestures at the rest of the writeup), she was best known for writing and performing a critically acclaimed one-woman show about her relationship with her mother. Y’know, the type of thing performed at the back of a smokey bar with a single bongo in front of a crowd of beatniks (okay so that’s not how it went down but I love the mental image).

Sit Down, John Sara - the interview that kickstarted it all

About a month into the run, she gave an interview with Vulture discussing her role and what it’s like being an Asian woman playing a slave-owning, unabashedly pro-slavery white man. Most of it’s pretty standard interview fare: behind the scenes stories, praise for her castmates, that sort of thing. Pretty quickly though, Sara started critiquing the Broadway establishment and how it was out-of-touch with the changing audience…

“Institutions often think that you need to investigate everything before you can start to restructure, but that’s not true. They’re afraid to make changes (...) Institutions are always making these five-year fucking plans and being like, We’re gonna make it with a consultant and we’ll share it later. Then they share it with the community after two years and now the community doesn’t care about the institution anymore”

… then she started sharing some of her gripes about the revival, and how she felt it undermined its own message with its clumsy and cringey (her words, not mine) approach to tackling racism…

“On the inside, I’m cringing at that, I’m cringing at the fucking projected egg song, and I cringe a little at the end when we hold out those coats. I’m like, it’s okay. I wouldn’t have wanted it this way, but I am doing my job”.

… as well as the inherent yikes-ness of casting an Asian performer such as herself as the show’s pro-slavery white character…

”The non-Black POC folks (...) were assimilated into whiteness with no consideration of how our personal identity intersected with this song or this history. The directors, by using race as a binary in the construction of “Molasses to Rum,” unconsciously held up a false narrative by assimilating non-Black POC folks into whiteness, because they were prioritizing the Black folks.”

… and criticised how the producers never made use of the cast’s diverse gender identities and sexualities other than as a selling point.

“They were prioritizing … race as a driving creative choice more than anything else. Gender identity, sexual identity — those we weren’t talking about”.

The interviewer then asked if she experienced any difficulty adjusting from having full creative control to being just another member of an ensemble cast, which is precisely when all hell broke loose. Sara admitted that she wasn’t feeling artistically fulfilled by the role and this was strictly a career move for her. Aim for a Tony nomination and some good reviews, network with big names in the industry and use it to further her actual passions.
Finally, in the very last line in the interview, she dropped the bombshell line that got everyone up in arms: when asked about how much effort she’s putting into the show, she replied…

“I’m giving 75%. When I do ‘Molasses to Rum,’ I’m giving 90%”

Now, if you read the interview you might remember the part where she mentioned that her ultimate goal was to use this role to further her career. You might also be wondering if this interview hurt that. Don’t worry, you’re not alone. Many people wondered if she was trying to build up her indie cred by publicly calling out mainstream Broadway? Perhaps her status as an outsider meant that she was able to be more open about these issues than everyone else? Her points had merit, but was going public like this the most professional way of going about it?
People politely discussed these points of view with poise and rationalit- haha, no, people immediately took nuance and its cousin tact out behind the shed and shot them in the back of the head. Vicious debates started in the comments section under the article, including one pro-Sara user who was widely assumed to be Sara using a sockpuppet account, though I think it later turned out to be one of her IRL friends. The story quickly picked up momentum and Broadway fans splintered into pro- and anti-Sara camps, with the battlelines being drawn over the question of whether Sara was:
A) a confident artist who knew her own worth and whose only crime was keeping it real, OR;
B) an entitled, arrogant egotist whose delusions of grandeur were matched only by her shameless clout-chasing.
It wasn’t just terminally online theatre fans who were talking about this, however. Other performers started weighing in, it got airplay in Broadway news sites and even warranted a few mentions in mainstream media. People magazine picked up the story, The Seattle Times came out to bat for their hometown hero, and the New York Times published a critical opinion piece
To her supporters, her bluntness was refreshing - yes, the end goal of any job is to get paid, why should Broadway be any different? At the end of the day, it’s still a job and if Sara wants to set healthy boundaries between work and her life then more power to her. While she may be one of the stars, she shouldn’t be obliged to lie about the state of the show or be in promotion mode 100% of the time. To see someone cut through all the puff and PR speak like that wasn’t just novel, but it also broke right through the “be happy that you’re here and don’t complain” attitude of the community.
To her opponents however, going public like this while the production was still running and struggling to fill seats was insanely unprofessional - would the struggling show be able to survive the negative PR hit of one of the leads coming out against it in public? Some questioned her motives and wondered if she was really doing this to shine a light on Broadway’s issues or if she was using it as a cynical attention-grab, with some people who claimed to know her IRL certainly thinking that was what she was doing.
And then there was the reaction to the 75% comment which is what literally everyone zeroed in on - there’s a reason it’s in the title.
It was pointed out that Idina Menzel (Elphaba from Wicked, Elsa from Frozen) made basically the same comment years ago and nobody raked her over the coals for it (EDIT: she did, I just missed it). Could it be that her being a non-white woman in a predominantly white industry possibly, maybe had a role to play? Some people seemed to think so. Not to mention, Broadway performance schedules are absolutely brutal, holding back like that is a totally valid way of preventing vocal damage/burnout and anyone who was up in arms over the 75% comment had either A) never performed onstage before, B) were perpetuating a toxic culture, or C) were selfishly putting their entertainment above Sara’s wellbeing.
Of course, not everybody saw it that way. A lot of people took issue with her comments about wanting to win a Tony in particular - hoping to win the industry’s biggest award with a performance you’re only putting 75% effort into? For many, the perceived arrogance and entitlement was too much to bear. Others took it as a sign of laziness and disrespect towards the audience’s time and money. Some insulted her performance. And then there were people who (rightly or wrongly) interpreted Sara’s 75% comment as protesting against the directors in an “I don’t like these decisions so I’m not going to try” way, and then shot back by saying if she really wanted creative control she could quit and return to Seattle indie theatre where she could do whatever she wanted.
As far as I can tell, the split was along generational lines - older fans leaned anti-Sara, with a lot of “those damned entitled millennials” vibes going around. Meanwhile, younger fans tended to be pro-Sara, with a dash of antiwork flavour thrown in for extra spice. The response depended on the platform, too - old school forums and Broadway bloggers didn’t take too kindly to her, Twitter celebrated her, and broadway and YouTube were split down the middle. I'm gonna take a sec to shine a spotlight on broadwayworld.com in particular, which for those not in the know is to Broadway fandom what FF.net is to fanfiction. As a gathering place for older folks with plenty time on their hands and Opinions about things, you’d expect it to be strongly anti-Sara but reception there was surprisingly split, with their thread running for 5 days and eventually reaching 10 pages (before it was locked over pronoun discourse).

How not to respond to a controversy (OR: the gang learns why publicists, crisis managers, and PR agencies exist)

I mentioned him earlier, but Jeffrey Page was one of two directors behind the 1776 revival and one of the people indirectly called out in Sara’s interview. As an African-American man, it’s pretty safe to assume that a lot of the new focus on American race relations baked into the production came from him. Needless to say, he wasn’t terribly happy about the interview. Nor was he happy that the show he’d worked so long on was making headlines for all the wrong reasons. Instead of putting out your typical “we disagree with the opinions stated by some of our cast members, but respect their input and will endeavour to address any issues in the future” PR statement however, he decided to address the issue by vaguebooking at a “certain nameless someone”:

”Dear nameless person, I know that you feel good about that thing you said… I didn’t feel good about it.
I know you feel like it is now your time in the sun. You ain’t put in the time and you ain’t done the work. You are ungrateful and unwise.
You claim that you want to dismantle white supremacist ideology… I think that you are the very example of the thing you claim to be most interested in dismantling.
You are fake-woke, rotten to the core, and stuck in the matrix; I hope you get that increased IG following that you so desperately thirst.”

Needless to say, this only triggered a whole ‘nother round of discourse. Was it appropriate to respond to unprofessionalism with even more professionalism? As the boss in this situation, was he right to take out his frustration or should he have taken the high road? Some fans put on their deerstalkers and tried to use reactions to the Facebook post from other cast members to gauge the temperature behind the scenes. Meanwhile, a handful of Sara stans decided that obviously this meant that he was fair game for abuse (side note kids: don't send do this).
Of course, he wasn’t the only one who decided to take the direct approach. As all this was going down, Sara hopped on Twitter to post her response. Here are some of the juiciest ones because this is a popcorn sub and I know what y’all are here for:

• I'm surprised by how hung up people are over my 75% comment. But then I remember: they don't know that my 75% is one of the best things they'll ever see & my 100% is unmatchable.
  
• This meme
  
• I lead w/integrity, not respectability politics. Broadway is lucky to have artists like me & my entire 1776 cast. Y'all are salty bc I'm speaking the truth? Bc I'm actually doing the work you say you want to do? Stay mad.
  
• The haters can stay salty bc I'm all about that umamiiiii.
  
• to those who are pissed and saying, "who does she think she is?". Google me, hoes. I've been doing the work, been speaking the truth. I know who TF I am. I do this for the community, for the real ones. The rest of you can choke💖
  
• "You're such a millennial." Ok, boomer.
  
• "The people who hold the purse-strings will never hire you again." That's LITERALLY the point.
  

Sara also clarified that by 75%, she was talking about work-life balance. As in, she’s setting 25% of her mental energy aside for self-care. And y’know, fair enough. On the other hand though, I think I speak for most people when I say that it really didn’t come across that way in the interview.
While her supporters on Twitter were generally positive, in the rest of the community reception wasn't quite as warm and honestly, it isn't that hard to see why. People who were all-in on the “Sara is a self-absorbed narcissistic with an ego that can be seen from space” train now had more ammunition, while some who were on the fence about her before quietly climbed down and parked themselves on the anti-Sara side of the property line. Even people who’d been 100% supportive of her before now found themselves awkwardly staring at their shoelaces and started prefacing their takes with “okay, so she’s a bit obnoxious but you gotta admit…”

Curtain call

This is hobbydrama, so we all know what comes next. Sara doubles down even more, Jeffrey Page fires back, the drama continues. Except… that’s not what happened. Whether it’s because both sides had time to settle down and realise that neither of them were coming out of this looking very good or because lawyers got involved, it wouldn’t be long before both sides backed down, though not without a little bit of residual drama.
First up was Jeffrey, who quietly deleted his Facebook post. Then other Broadway performers who’d weighed in started deleting their hottakes. Meanwhile, Sara put out another series of Tweets striking a gentler tone where she apologised for affecting the rest of the cast, acknowledged how her tone made it very easy to see her as an entitled diva, and to please please please not send death threats to Jeffrey or Diane.
Reactions to her sudden 180 were just as mixed as her initial response. While some thought it was an eloquent and well-written statement, there were two passages in particular that drew a lot of attention:
1) Sara directly addressing it towards “white folks & BIPOC folks w/internalised racism”, which many interpreted as dismissive (at best) or actively trying to frame all criticism towards her as racist (at worst)
2) Saying that firing her “would only be further proof of this industry's inability to adapt & change for the better” which some took either as her preemptively playing the race card or even
And that was that. While there was plenty of speculation Sara would get the sack, in the end the show continued to limp on with her. Many subsequent attendees reporting empty seats abound - if this was secretly a manufactured controversy to generate interest, it clearly failed. In January 2023, the show closed before reopening as a touring production. Broadway News reported excitedly that much of the original cast would be joining this new production… with one notable exception. Sara announced she’d be back in Seattle with a new project scheduled for April 2023.
In the end, she wound up returning to Seattle and resuming her previous career trajectory. When asked about her experiences being Broadway's main character for a full week, she admitted it'd been tough. She knew she'd cop flak, but the sheer size of Broadway compared to the Seattle scene meant that there was so much more of it than she was prepared for. Though she stood by her words, ultimately, she admitted that Broadway probably wasn't a good cultural fit for her, and that she had a newfound respect for the people who were strong enough to tough it out (thanks to u/lazespud2 for the non-paywalled link).
What have we learned? Well, I can’t speak for y’all but for me it’s only reinforced that Twitter is an irradiated wasteland where nuance goes to die and if I never have to visit it again it will be too soon. Oh, and that drama kids gonna drama, I suppose.

I'm not talking about hentai (well, specifically anyway, since doujins come in all forms, including that type, but plenty are just stories). Just Ameri's reaction in general to finding fan-made and fan-published works of "First Love Memories", since it'd look like the actual series but something would be off, be it the art style, even if ever so slightly, or the way the characters are interacting, or the layout of the story, and so on.
And just Iruma needing to explain the concept of fanfiction to her could be interesting too. Ameri's loved that series since before she even knew what the characters were actually saying doing and the books have been passed down through her family as secret, potentially sacred relics. So what would she think about other people going against canon to tell alternate events or at the very least to tell add-ons to the canon? And would the idea of writing doujins of her own ever tempt her now that the very concept has been put into her mind? Iruma was an assistant writer of the series for a bit apparently, so he could help, but would she see that as herself having a problem with the series?
Heck, imagine her coming across one of those hate-fic doujins as her first experience, where a character the fan-writer hates is deliberately written out of character to make them awful in order to have the other characters hate them as well (and usually to set up and justify a ship they like that character works against). Ameri would be so confused and heartbroken! "No! Why is she treating him like that?! She's never acted like this before! Is it some kind of possession?! Why is her rival comforting him?! He knows she can't be trusted?! Why-?! How-?!"

Contents

1. Introduction
2. Cinematic Nu Metal
3. Nu Music In Professional Wrestling
4. Nu Video Game Soundtracks
5. The Alternative Kid Demographic
6. The AMV / Fanvid Trend
7. YouTube AudioSwap Tutorial Videos
8. Acknowledgements

Part 1: Introduction
The “empowerment era” refers to the trend of nu metal and nu adjacent music appearing in other forms of media, intended to instill a sense of cinematic motivation in the audience.
The quantity and type of nu metal music being used for this purpose maps to the rise and fall of nu metal as a commercially successful genre.
The empowerment era was arguably at its strongest following the decline in mainstream nu metal popularity, when it became more fan-driven as opposed to being coordinated by the entertainment industry (see Part 5: The Alternative Kid Demographic).
Part 2: Cinematic Nu Metal
It was common for an action or horror movie released during the nu era to include nu metal artists in its trailers, soundtrack album, or the film itself. Some movie scenes even showed a character listening to a nu metal song on a stereo, as a way of promoting the record (e.g. Daredevil and The One).
As the first-wave of nu metal took off, film soundtracks such as The Crow: City Of Angels (1996) began to ease in early nu metal artists such as Korn and Deftones, alongside other 90’s alternative music. By 2002, nu metal dominated soundtracks including The Scorpion King, which mirrored the peak commercial success of the genre.
Bespoke songs were produced to promote movies, with music videos using imagery and concepts from the motion picture. Notable tracks:
Korn – I Did My Time (Lara Croft: Tomb Raider – The Cradle Of Life soundtrack) P.O.D. – Sleeping Awake (The Matrix Reloaded soundtrack) Ill Niño – How Can I Live (Freddy Vs. Jason soundtrack)
2003 marked a turning point in the nu cinematic era, reflecting a decrease in mainstream demand for heavily down-tuned nu metal. Hybrid nu metal and nu adjacent bands became the primary focus of action movie soundtracks. The CD single of Bring Me To Life by Evanescence was released in conjunction with the movie Daredevil, and Broken by Seether (featuring Amy Lee) helped to promote The Punisher.
Some previously established nu metal bands adopted a cinematic sound and aesthetic to remain relevant in the mid-2000s. Examples:
Mudvayne – Forget To Remember (Saw II soundtrack) Static-X – The Enemy Adema – Planets (Cry Wolf soundtrack) Drowning Pool – Love & War
New nu metal bands arrived in the mid to late 2000s with a primary focus on the cinematic vibe. However, nu metal was being phased out of film soundtracks at this point, meaning these bands were sadly never featured in films:
Allele – Closer To Habit Digital Summer – Now Or Never Burn Season – Carry On
Part 3: Nu Music In Professional Wrestling
WWF rather abruptly commenced usage of nu metal music in 2001 to promote Pay Per View (PPV) events, having previously relied on in-house hard rock and rap rock compositions. Notable tracks:
Limp Bizkit – My Way (WWF WrestleMania X-Seven) Saliva – Click Click Boom (WWF No Mercy 2001) Puddle Of Mudd – Control (WWF Survivor Series 2001)
Despite using a selection of commercially successful nu metal bands, WWE also developed a distinctive ‘wrestle rock’ sound by using nu songs with the confidence of hard rock. Examples:
The Union Underground – Across The Nation (WWE RAW Theme 2002-2006) Drowning Pool – Step Up (WrestleMania XX) Breaking Point – One Of A Kind (Rob Van Dam theme)
Several compilation albums were released featuring nu metal music from WWE programming, including WWF Tough Enough, and WWF Forceable Entry. They included custom songs commissioned from major nu metal and nu adjacent artists:
Saliva – Turn The Tables (The Dudley Boys theme) Our Lady Peace – Whatever (Chris Benoit theme) Stereomud – End Of Everything (Raven theme)
As with the movie industry, the mid to late 2000s saw WWE transition away from hip-hop influenced nu metal and towards a more serious empowerment vibe. Examples:
Staind – Price To Pay (WWE Vengeance 2003) Limp Bizkit – Build A Bridge (WWE Survivor Series 2003) The Exies – Ugly (WWE Survivor Series 2004) TRUSTcompany – Stronger (WWE Backlash 2005) Mudvayne – Happy? (WWE Vengeance 2005)
Motivational videos were also produced showing WWE Superstars overcoming adversity. One of the single greatest example of the empowerment era spirit is a promo reel for Jeff Hardy, backed by the song Our Lady Peace - Not Enough.
Part 4: Nu Video Game Soundtracks
Nu metal and nu adjacent music primarily appeared on sixth generation consoles, namely the Sony PlayStation 2, original Xbox, and Nintendo GameCube. Widespread use of these gaming systems aligned with the commercial wave and cinematic era of nu metal.
An overwhelming amount of team sports, motor sports and extreme sports games were released during this console generation- the culture and gameplay of which supported nu metal soundtracks.
The synergy between nu metal and professional wrestling was furthered by the annual release of WWE SmackDown! vs. Raw games, containing late-era nu music from both prominent and obscure bands.
Nu metal video game soundtracks aided players (especially those with limited internet access) in discovering alternative music. In extreme cases, some artists were exclusively known for their appearance in video game soundtracks, before disappearing into obscurity. Examples:
Core – The Angle (WWE SmackDown! Vs. Raw) Not Forgotten – Waiting (WWE SmackDown! Vs. Raw 2006) Sins Of A Divine Mother – Broken (announced for Shadow The Hedgehog but ultimately cancelled)
Part 5: The Alternative Kid Demographic
As early adopters of nu metal moved on from the genre, they were succeeded by a new wave of younger listeners, with an interest in post-nu metal bands such as Three Days Grace, Flyleaf, and Skillet.
These ‘Alternative Kids’ came from the tail end of Generation Y (born up to 1996), and the beginning of Generation Z. They were a prime audience for sixth generation console games loaded with empowering rock songs.
The teenage years of Alternative Kids also coincided with the early years of YouTube, a site where they often discussed nu and nu adjacent music. They would commonly comment on music videos with lists of bands they enjoyed (Breaking Benjamin, Chevelle, 3 Doors Down, TRUSTcompany, Smile Empty Soul etc.), whilst lamenting the popularity of rap and pop music amongst other kids at their schools.
As nu metal declined in popularity and faded from mainstream media, Alternative Kids took the propagation of empowering music into their own hands.
Part 6: The AMV / Fanvid Trend
The advent of YouTube allowed widespread publishing of custom music videos, produced by Alternative Kids. Fan-made music videos (“fanvids”) used footage from actual movies, TV shows or games edited to an empowering nu metal soundtrack. AMVs (Anime Music Videos) follow the same concept, except using clips from anime. The song choice may be based on the actual soundtrack of the existing media, or a reimagined one.
Popular franchises used by Alternative Kids for music video creation were Dragon Ball Z, Naruto, Sonic The Hedgehog (in his “edgy” phase), Marvel, and DC.
One of the earliest known examples of a nu metal AMV is for the song Dead Bodies Everywhere by Korn, using violent clips from animes including Akira, Ghost In The Shell, and Ninja Scroll. Other typical examples of fan-made music videos include:
Breaking Benjamin – Dance With The Devil (Daredevil movie) Three Days Grace – Animal I Have Become (Naruto anime) Vonray – Inside Out (actual Smallville soundtrack)
YouTube animator Sugarydespair notably released a fanvid parody, featuring Shadow The Hedgehog and Shrek performing Linkin Park’s Crawling, as a way of poking fun at the fanfiction community.
The AMV / fanvid trend served to extend the empowerment era, by exploring new combinations of songs and visual content, particularly with media released outside of nu metal’s lifespan.
Part 7: The YouTube AudioSwap Tutorial Trend
An oddity of the empowerment era was the tendency of pre-teen kids to use music from Finger Eleven, Drowning Pool, and Evanescence as background music for YouTube tutorial videos.
These videos typically showed tips and “hacks” for popular kid’s games such as Club Penguin, Roblox, and Grand Theft Auto. They often displayed the watermark of unregistered screen capture software such as Hypercam, and the creator communicated by typing on Notepad. Bodies by Drowning Pool also became a staple of martial arts demonstration and self-defence videos.
In 2009, YouTube provided a library of licensed music for creators to add to their videos. This served the purpose of preventing unauthorised music use (which would result in YouTube muting the video), or as a substitute for silence / low-quality audio.
The high alphabetical positions of Finger Eleven, Drowning Pool, and Evanescence, combined with their commercial success, made them a convenient choice for uploaders, leading to their extensive use. The most notoriously overused song, the dance track Dreamscape by 009 Sound System, had the top alphanumeric ranking in the AudioSwap library.
The clichéd use of Paralyzer, Bodies, and Bring Me To Life has lead to memefication of these tracks. Despite causing annoyance at the time, AudioSwap music now elicits nostalgic reactions in YouTube commenters.
Part 8: Legacy
Empowering music continued to be produced from the late 2000s onwards, after nu metal had transitioned into generic alternative metal. Examples:
Under The Flood – Blown Away Burning Borders – Again Deepfield - Wayside
The empowerment era spirit in pro wrestling outlasted that of the film industry. Nu metal music was occasionally still being used for PPV soundtracks throughout the 2010s.
AMV / Fanvid culture is still going strong to this day.
Part 9: Acknowledgements
Thanks to u/Conor17637 for his first-hand insight into Alternative Kid and AMV culture.

https://www.reddit.com/makeyourchoice/comments/hs89o9/anime_high_school_cyoa/
At minimum I am going to figure out how many pages this CYOA has
https://imgur.com/a/oKmgUQJ
Scrolling down, there is a button that says “Load 67 more images.”
Page one
Anime Aspects
Normal with Tone Shift, because who doesn’t love the occasional chibi reaction?
Page Two
Tone
Romantic, most high school anime focus on crushes to some extent
Educational Horror assignments and tests will be shown creeping up on students like they do in real life. The screen will do creepypasta glitches when material on the next test is presented. It will immediately shift back to the main character and their cute friends flirting with their crushes. However, there will be consequences like “if you get a D on the next test, you’re grounded.” The audience will be able to yell at the characters like they do in horror movies, as in “no, not that one!”
Music
Motifs everyone has a theme, but the person who is most important at the moment has theirs playing. For example, if the romantic rival is sweeping the love interest off their feet, you’ll hear the rival’s theme song. At least until the main character steps up, changing the theme song and getting them back!
Narrator
Subs > Dubs, Abridged the narrator is allowed three different personalities under ”Abridged” so we have one serious narrator, a completely different narrator for the horror scenes, and a joker doing subtitles who may just be spamming memes.
Old Life
Double Time Freeze Erasure Time will be Frozen, but a soulless copy will be put in place in case it accidentally starts again. Temporal shenanigans happen, usually when someone resets an alternate timeline or something. The copy will be erased, but money spent on “me“ will be refunded and any record of their actions erased. Just in case lacking a soul makes ”me“ more prone to criminal acts.
Page Three
Schools
Just for fun, let’s say the school is one of those “prestigious” schools with a “rich history.“ It was founded as Astiern, the school of adventure. However, after the last evil overlord was defeated, there was less need for adventurers and the school had to modernize the curriculum. There is still adventuring gear in storage, though.
Whistlewind, the school of magic is now a book series. As a show within a show, it gives students something to talk about and shy students a source of insight. The spells are applicable, but you have to find the wand in storage.
Page four
Grotesque the School for Monsters is a rival school, but only at the level of a normal high school rivalry. It was founded after the last overlord was defeated to give other job skills to members of the evil army. Their sports teams are rivals, and there is a Romeo and Juliet vibe to dating a vampire, but West Side Story has more violence.
Deprie the Training School is a show within a show anime. The game is considered “for little kids” by some jerks. Just like real life, but there is an episode where they go inside the game and a jerk needs help surviving.
Kyugi the School of the Ninjas. This is also a show within a show, but suffers less grief. You might get made fun if for practicing jutsu in public, but the jerks giving people grief about being weebs respect all forms of punching and kicking entertainment.
Lunaria the School of the Future is a show within a show, but not an anime. It is a live action show, similar to Star Trek. So characters could go to a convention and meet an actor, though the aliens will be people in costumes.
Page Five
Juniper the School for Safety is another live action show within a show. It is considered less geeky than the Lunaria show, which is a double edged sword. You’ll suffer less flak for openly liking the show, but there are fewer fan conventions and thus fewer chances to meet any of the actors. It would take a special “normal for one day” plot to meet one, and it would involve a tabloid controversy to flee from.
Mojito the School for Pilots is an older show within a show. Expect the main character’s weird uncle to know more about it, and there are no new episodes. However it is a multiple generation thing, older fans know what kind of grief you deal with and sympathize. They don’t necessarily like newer shows, but that’s mostly sour grapes and they still tolerate it better than the jerks.
Page Six
Calm Station School: the School for Hackers is not an official show within a show. There was a movie, somewhere between Akira and the Matrix. However, the sequels never happened. Instead a lot of fanfiction was put on the internet, and YouTube videos were made using clips of the movie and dramatic readings of the fanfiction. Naturally there are arguments about canon, and none of it is strictly legal, but the fans are dedicated and law enforcement are a bit confused by all the new technology and moral gray areas.
Hyiento High the School of Japan. This is where most of the series takes place. As we said, it was built on the foundations of Astiern and you can still find hints of adventure here and there. However, this is the most “Anime Highschool” for this CYOA.
Page Seven
Blueberry High: the School for Excellence is also a rival school. One key difference is that most of the shows within the shows are considered contraband, even the Whistlewind book series. Back when the school was still a school for adventurers, there were item shops and people to run them. Those merchants saved money and ended up very wealthy. They wanted a school to teach the next generation business skills, but didn’t want them idolizing adventurers and running away from the family business to pursue dreams of adventure. Most forms of adventure novels are banned in Blueberry, and it has been that way for decades. Expect snobby rivals in desperate need of fun, trying to make friends in very awkward ways.
Grey and Gold Pits: Disciplinary School is what Grotesque used to be. The evil overlord employed many mercenaries during his reign of terror, actively recruiting criminals who wanted revenge against the society that branded them outlaws. The school was originally to rehabilitate human criminals. However, the next generation revealed half monsters born to soldiers who had bonded during their time in the evil army. They too attended the school to learn skills to fit into modern society, and now the school is predominantly monsters.
Page Eight
Chariche High: the School that Exceeds and Succeeds. This might take a minute to explain. The school is real, and so are the magical girls, but the bad guys are trying to corrupt human beings. They use things like cursed broadcasts to brainwash people, but the magical girls using their magic to fight them sometimes have to enter people’s hearts to do battle with the evil inside of them. It is magic, I don’t gotta explain. However, between entering dreams and trapping girls in illusions of being a normal student who didn fight monsters, a second ”fictional” Chariche High came to exist. Students in Hyiento can read about and watch the anime as a show within a show and not realize it is based on a real place. The masquerade makes it hard to tell what is real, and using magic to restore “everything” means that there is no record of some events except in the “fiction” of the anime. It is cool, but also hard to follow some times.
Yamigo High, the School of Cards is fictional. The card game is real enough, the characters of the show don’t have to be. The setting isn’t different enough to matter without the obsession with cards, which may work as a villain plot. One of the villains may brainwash everyone into being obsessed with the cards as a distraction. It seems cool at first, but then it is clearly time for the true fans of the game to stand up against those who would use their cards for evil.
Page Nine
Options (30 points)
Harem (skipped)
Death
Retry (game over) {0} I might need to redo my build a little
Life Insurance {-15/15 remaining} No one actually dies, we’re just using horror as an effect.
Reason for Attendance
Normal (0) This was the closest school
Uniform
Formal and Useful (-3, 12) You can still find the old uniforms in storage and won’t violate the dress code from wearing armor as your school uniform. Default anime high school uniforms are still the norm, because they fit the theme of the CYOA. On a related note, Grotesque has a combination of Formal and Nothing because some monsters don’t normally wear clothes. You won’t be kicked out of school for running around naked, but you will get points taken off your grade in any of the mandatory “pass for human” classes.
Magic
High Magic (-8/4) Default for Astiern is different for Hyiento, going with this level for magic in storage.
Elements/Spheres (skipped)
Page Ten
Cost
Mana (0)
On the go (-4, 0) Fitting for a school of adventurers.
Focus (needed) (+5/5) You can’t use magic until you find something in storage.
Vocals
Name (+1/6) You have to say the name of the spell, so Whistlewind book fans are at an advantage if they can name spells from the book.
Resurrection
1-Up (-4/2) Everyone can be brought back a few times
Summoning
Length (short) (0)
Number (one at a time) (+3/5)
Drawbacks
I’m substituting Fueled for Elements/Spheres, you need some kind of something to cast spells even if it is just a drawing. Fire spells require a cigarette lighter or something, holy spells require a holy symbol.
Severity (partial) (+5/10) A fireball spell powered by a drawing causes papercuts, not burns.
Usage (proximity) (2/8) the camera needs to have it in the shot so it makes sense to the viewer
Amount (drain) (-5/13) you can’t use the same drawing twice, but I like the idea that draining the fire magic from a fire lets you walk through flames unharmed. I’m not sure how to use that in the plot of the anime, but I like the flexibility.
Fuel (common) (3/10) Like I said, you can use a drawing. Using the real thing, and more of it, gives you more spells and better spells. It makes sense to the audience that way.
Specific School Options
(Better fill this out anyway)
Astiern
Familiars (4/6) I just think these are neat, but help with potion brewing is also nice)
Whistlewind {10?/-4}
EMP Spam (+8/4)
(No familiars here, Hedwig never helped Harry Potter with potions)
Page Eleven
Grotesque
The Hunt: Chariche and Gotesque use the same “fantasy world“ for training exercises. This is mostly peaceful, or at least has few real world consequence, but there are “scheduling conflicts.” Sometimes the rookies and the varsity end up on the same field by accident.
Travel
Under the Bed (4/0) the explanation involves “residual dream energy,“ though the closet involves “changing identity.”
Deprie (-50/-50) (what?)
Intelligence
Animalistic (+3/-47)
Acquisition
Friendship (+6/-39)
Party Size
Solo (0) the battles are much shorter without switching Pokémon
Collection Size
Spares (-5/-34) You can still have different freemon and plan your strategy, but there’s more “come back tomorrow” than tag team.
Storage
Stasis (0)
Combination
Trainers (meta) (-8/-44) You can combine with your pokemon, but…
Sum of their parts (similar) (4/-48) instead of 150 different Pokémon, now we have an ice vulpix and a fire vulpix, etc.
The Blob (duo) (0) only two freemon can combine.
Please Stop (duo) (1/-49) two players can combine with each other for a grand total of four freemon (elements) and two players (brains/brawn)
Together Forever (freemon) (-5/-44) freemon that are fused together are stuck that way. What did you expect? That you’d stir the spoon backwards and turn your chocolate milk into regular milk and chocolate syrup?
Together Forever (trainers) (-20/-24) …people who fuse with freemon or each other are stuck that way. Want to know how to get into Grotesque?
Assimilation (chorus of souls) (0) Everyone who is part of the fusion gets some control of the actions of the shared body. This is the default anyway, and really it seems fair to everyone involved.
Page Twelve
Natural Selection: How about Evolving?
Evolution (Intelligent design) (0) Freemon have one form only, which makes fusions easier since you don’t have to figure out how they change when the freemon evolve.
Breeding
The Other Combining (nope) (+2/-22) Freemon cannot breed. One of the things they can gain from fusion with humans is the body parts humans use to make children.
Compatible Biology (freemon) (5/-27) The children are always freemon
Non-freemon Wildlife
None (0) this should really say “no change” there are animals that aren’t freemon.
Kyugi
Revamp: Clans
Pigeon - scouts and messengers
Wasp - assassins and saboteurs
Dog - mercenaries and village defenders
Maggot - priests and ghost hunters
Lunaria
(no change)
Juniper
(no change)
Zombies
Human (0)
Intelligence
Cat (+3/ -24) Smart enough to ambush, not operate machinery
Page Thirteen
Infection
Nanobots (+1/-23). Tiny robots behave how they are programmed, so the plague acts how the writers say it does.
Transmission
Contact (+3/-20) Don’t kick the hornets nest
Lethality
60-99% (5/-25) just the right odds to spare the main character and their friends
Cure Status
Unknown (0) It exists, but that’s all the writers have said so far
Success rate (skipped)
Hosts
Zoonosis (+4/-21) It can spread to certain animals as well as humans. Currently it is “pets that have been microchipped.”
Living: Are the zombies actually dead?
Dead (0) Yup
Dexterity
Run (+4/-17)
Powers
Bile (acid) (+9/-8) Actually it is “grey goo,” but it still dissolves stuff.
Strength (+6/-2) Zombies have the kind of strength you would expect from a robot
Zombine (+2/0) Zombies with missing limbs can attach replacement parts, house rule is that they can use things that aren’t technically “limbs” like meathooks.
(Skipping plated because zombies don’t necessarily have access to metal for their nanites to build armor out of. Also skipping Regenerative because nanites will abandon a flawed vessel in search of a stronger host body if it proves too difficult to keep functioning)
Jaws and Claws (+2/2) They have enough bone and and dental fillings to weaponize these.
Spread
Minority (2/0) Only a minority of people are “walking techbane“ who “jinx” technology badly enough to survive the nanobots. Also their equipment fails at inappropriate times.
Immunity
Hereditary (7/-7) The main character and their immediate family members are completely immune, causing people to want their babies.
Mojiko
Revamp: Brave New World
Colony world makes more sense for a mecha series, the giant robots are ridiculously over designed to handle a varieTy of situations on an unknown planet.
Page Fourteen
Calm Station
Revamp: Solar
No one wanted to hold off filming until it was dark and rainy enough to match the original script/fanfiction.
Connection
Wired (on flesh) (0) the VR masks were too cool a movie prop to get rid of, so people kept them and/or made their own
Technology
A week into the Future (0) Hollywood Sci-fi on the budget of YouTubers
Hyiento
(no revamp)
Blue Berry
(No revamp)
Grey and Gold Pits
Revamp: Weird (the delinquents are sharing a school with monsters, there may or may not be a gorilla in the classroom)
Chariche (30/-37)
(No revamp)
The Magic
Movelist (0)
Elements
Complexity (4/-41) Have to include Holy elements for magical girls
Source
Spiritual (0) Basically mana
Transformation
Tool (0) You can find these in storage in Chariche, similar to the adventuring gear in Astiern/Hyiento
Gender Swap
Tux (3/-44)
Page Fifteen
Uniform
Elegant (0)
Transformation Bonuses
Shade (7/-53) No one can recognize you or figure out who you transform into. Does Sailor Moon actually get new powers, or does she just remember her Moon Princess powers?
Compensation
Free (0) I don’t remember Luna offering anything like what Kyuubi offered, and you shouldn’t take anything Kyuubi is offering.
Monsters
Monster (0) Shouldn’t this give points?
Guide
Animal (0) You’re basically getting a bloodhound who can sniff out monsters. Nothing good ever resulted from letting Kyuubi talk. Also, the strangely familiar feeling of petting their soft fur helps you remember your past life.
Darkness Rising: Dark Magical Girl options
Cameraman (0) Those tired of protecting secretly humanity sell out for fame and fortune with J. Jonah Jameson.
Role
Magical Combat (0) Required for Cameraman. You have to orotect your paycheck.
Yamigo
Class
Filthy Casual (0)
Page Sixteen
Immersion
Plain (0)
Adventure
Antagonists
Generic Abtagonists, fits setting and scales with how strong you and your team are.
Whistlewind
Hercules Kerudeon the most dangerous wizard to ever set foot on Earth, led a revolution to subjugate all muggles.
Grotesque
Goosewater, we need a rival school for the rival school or the sports season will be too short. Goosewater was founded by half-breeds who thought the children of the evil army should be learning how to be human criminals like their ancestors instead of normal humans they weren’t even related to. Hence the cheating the main characters are asked to prove.
Page Seventeen
Deprie
Team Velvet
Seek put new species of freemon and sell naming rights to corporations.
Kyugi
Hunter of the Hunters - Monsters have claws, so humans developed ninja weapons. Now the monsters have ninja weapons too. Wait, that wasn’t supposed to happen. There are now weebs at Grotesque who try to learn ninjutsu from watching anime. Their natural monster powers makes this slightly more effective.
Lunaria
Mad Scientist - A Star Trek nerd is convinced that the show is real, and has enough scientific knowledge to make building a spaceship science fact. Unfortunately, they also believe aliens walk among us, and has designed various weapons.
Juniper
The Iron Bloods - The roving bands of leather clad gangs have a classic look, some fans of the show got together with actual delinquents to spread some anarchy. It is fun at first and will get out of hand eventually. The posers will regret the decision, but it is pretty normal for the delinquents and they’re glad to have the extra gang members.
Mojiko
Parie the School of Tanks, the anime studio that made Mojiko is trying out a new series for fans of both military hardware and cute girls. Your weird uncle is outraged, especially since the giant robots they loved as a child are making guest appearances on the show. The studio still owns the rights to the designs, so legally there is nothing wrong with it. Maybe it will be a fair fight? Shouldn’t you at least watch it before deciding? Your uncle is creeped out by the cuteness of the little girls and misses the days of adult robot pilots.
Calm Station
Betty the Rogue A. I. - the original movie went over budget using computer animation to perfect the director’s anime waifu. She’s still a fan favorite, but using pixel art is way cheaper. Retro graphics have proved oddly popular in fan sequels.
Page Eighteen
Hyiento
The Red Man Jacket - Seriously, how hard is it to avoid the racist joke? Anyway, you remember the adventuring gear in storage from the days of Astiern? It includes cursed items that should have remained locked away.
Blue Berry
The Elitest - Mysterious tennis star in a mask sounds perfect for a rival school. The main characters can beat their official rivals, then be told there is someone even better. Someone wearing a mask can’t officially join the team for public events, but if the main character accepts the challenge they will meet someone good enough to beat them. Cue training montage AND investigation. Blue Berry gets to keep feeling superior, since the Elitest is a student at their prestigious school, while still being put in their place repeatedly.
Grey and Gold Pits
Warden Jackson…
He still exists in the dream realm connecting Chariche and Grotesque. He was in charge of the school back when it was just about reforming human criminals, but his memory lives on the the minds of monster students at the school long after his retirement. His glitched Nightmare realm is a place where you can actually get stuck and never wake up. The pranks are magic rituals to tear holes in his realm to escape through.
Chariche
Cameraman - Sells pictures of people fighting monsters to newspapers fighting to stay relevant. Is basically anyone with a cellphone who wants to make money.
Minzerang - has shadow creatures that send people into feverish comas while she uses their life force. The shadow creatures only exist in the dream realm without Minzerang’s help, and want people to stay asleep forever. The real Minzerang is a former magical girl who is still in a coma after a desperate battle with the forces of evil. Her team won, but she was tired of the fight long before the head injury that put her into a coma. Now rather than let the darkness in people’s heart turn them into monsters, she turns the darkness into shadow creatures and puts the people to sleep before they ever transform.
Yamigo
Lyata Ushiro, card carrying thief - See? I can make puns too. Anyway, the plot of Yamigo is that the main character sees someone stealing cards, chases them, and then the thief challenges them to a card game. If the main character wins, they will return the cards. If the main character loses, they have to stop chasing the thief. It was a good thing the thief made the challenge, like a dog chasing cars the main character had no idea what he was going to do when he caught the thief.
Events
The War of Adventure - Okay this is a funny story, there’s a competition between the schools. It isn’t just fighting, there is survival, trap dodging, puzzle-solving, treasure appraisal, and quizzes. When the halfbreed monsters started to show up at Grey and Gold, there was an “ultimate hybrid” with all the strengths of a monster and none of the usual weaknesses. However, the survival test was just to see who could live out in the woods for the longest, so Astiern tricked the strongest monsters in history into going out into the middle of nowhere and not bothering anyone ever again. The competition never officially ended, the monsters get points each day they spend in the wilderness and a trophy each year, but the main characters have been solving puzzles and dodging traps to get adventuring gear and win fights. This earns them enough points for the monsters to see them as competition.
Whistlewind
The Caster‘s Ball - There was so much speculation from fans of the book series who the main character would ask to prom
Page Nineteen
Grotesque
Tournament of Heroes - The hybrids living in the woods might be strong enough to eat the other monsters, so the school occasionally pretends the random fights between monsters being monsters are part of the competition between the schools that the “survival team” has been winning for the last however many years.
Deprie
The Tournament of Heroes - The League Championship is only for officially recognized freemon. Fusions can enter as trainers, but can’t enter the battle personally. The Tournament of Heroes is a fusion battle tournament.
Kyugi
Wind‘s Edge Tournament - Someone has to keep an eye on the hybrids “surviving“ out in the woods. Ninja stealth is required to avoid being seen, as a fight would probably be suicide, and letting one follow you back to the ninja village may be disastrous. The hybrids were born strong, never learned to control it, and tend to cause a lot of property damage outside of the woods.
Infiltrated
A teacher at the ninja school is actually a monster, because once they are successfully rehabilitated they can get normal jobs.
Lunaria
I’m Radioactive - one of the actors wanted to go on vacation, so they mutated the character enough that they could be replaced by anyone wearing the mutant mask.
X-Men - the mutant main character was popular enough that the writers had a space tanker full of the chemical crash land on a small colony.
Juniper
Day of the Dead - Every season there is a clip show that is supposed to be about remembering everyone who died the zombie apocalypse. Really it is to build hype for the big finale, which is usually a mini-series of final episodes. Not happy endings, though, expect someone who died in the clip show to show up as a zombie and give everyone who remembers them mixed emotions.
Mojiko
The Monolith - Remember the revamp? The space colony needs at least one alien artifact. They recycled this one into a Green Lantern ring that shoots space dragons.
Calm Station
Welcome to the Real World - Some punks trashed the movie set, but the director filmed it and made it part of the movie.
Page Twenty
Hyiento
Cultural Festival
Blue Berry
Senior Prank - Suddenly everyone is wearing masks like the Elitest. Will their identity be exposed? Or will they somehow avoid looking like they always do while wearing the same mask? More importantly, will the main characters from Hyiento/Astiern be able to get their own masks and sneak into the rival school?
Grey and Gold Pits
Jail Break - some of the human criminals escaped the school, and now monsters have found the escape tunnels. Where will this lead? Exactly how reformed are these monsters!
Chariche
Hunter Con
The real magical girls find out that there is an anime about them being shown in a foreign country. The serious one thinks they should investigate and the fun one thinks it sounds like a cool vacation. What happens when the main characters run into these “cosplayers”?
Exposed
Doing this event during a convention in a foreign country works quite well. The whole thing can be passed off as a publicity stunt for the convention. Also, the character’s family back home are unlikely to watch the local news of a foreign country if they don’t speak the language.
Yamigo
House of Mysteries - The villain using mind control to distract everyone with an obsession for the card game hid the off switch behind puzzles only true fans of the card game could solve. True fans would want everyone to share their love of the card game, which means they wouldn’t want to shut the device off in the first place. The heroes of the story have to make a sacrifice for the greater good, but some people really like the game after trying it under mind control.
Lost Treasures
Hyiento
The attendance records were ”misfiled” as a plot to infiltrate the school. If the school can’t prove who was already here, they will have a harder time tracking down the “new students.” The main characters made enough of an impression on the principal that they are not aliens.
Page Twenty One
Breakers
Lunaria
Crime and Punishment - There are now Space Pirates
Hyiento
Aliens - not from space, the dream real of Chariche is connected to people’s fears about aliens. The Mad Scientist is an endless source if these nightmare creatures and a malfunctioning invention is bringing his fears to life.
Limitless Potential - Discovering Magic
Page Twenty Two
Side Quests
Lunaria
Science Fair
Page Twenty Three
You (100/47)
Any School (15/62) if aliens are invading because of the Breakers section
Age: 9th Grade (14 and a half)
Race
Human
​

A 2012 fanfic on fanfiction.net. called Goode High School. Based on percy who has the power of fast reactions and goes to goode and meets annabeth and nico and everyone. A really really awesome fanfic and all. But what happened to the author? A girl called The Artemis. If anyone knows. Lmk would like to know.

This will be a very long post; I've been writing this on and off for the last 3 years. This is the story of my life; it's been a pretty insignificant and sad life and it will soon end but I wanted someone to know about it. I might come across as braggadocios at certain points, but this is my only story, and the end is near. It might also come across as victimhood fetish/misery porn, which is fair because I am pretty much a doormat in certain situations and this only shows my side of the story. People might also say that this is a creative writing assignment, and it is. I do write fanfiction for Harry Potter, and I have written stories that have been decently popular within the fanbase. I've never written anything about myself though, so this is for my personal catharsis but also posterity because nobody else knows the whole story. Everything I've written here is true, whether you believe it or not. I've added dramatic flourish in places and written this as a short story because that's what I know best.
This is a throwaway account and the names have been changed and some details are intentionally vague as I don't want anyone trying to reach out to me. It'll still be recognizable to many of the people it directly involves and if you are one of those, I just want you to know, I feel no resentment or anger towards you. These are the hands we were dealt in life and we make of it what we can.
To start off, I am 36M from India. My parents were born in the 50's in rural India and came from large families. My father is the youngest of 7. He had 4 brothers and 2 sisters and my grandparents on his side owned a large farm. They were not rich, but they were decently well off. They came from a very small village in Southern India and had lived there for generations. It's the kind place where our last name is also the name of the village, and we were related to most of the families in the village in some way.
My father isn't the cleverest guy, but he is very hard working and he had ambition. He is a bit naive and sometimes gets easily taken advantage of. He is/was very good looking though. Classically handsome and well-built. His siblings are all very successful and he really looks up to them and there have been times they've played on his naiveté. He graduated high school and got a diploma and a job in Mumbai during the late 70's at one of the biggest public sector companies in the country. He worked there his entire career but never rose higher than senior manager for the division he worked in.
My mother is the 8th of 10 children. She had 4 brothers and 5 sisters, and her father was a lawyer. He was very well respected and quite charitable with his time, helping out poorer people pro-bono. He was also a very well educated, well-read and formidable man. They also lived in a very small village, and they were of similar standing to my father's family in their community. My mother, unlike my father, is very smart and cunning. My aunts and uncles have always told me that she was the cleverest of their family and my grandfather's favorite because she challenged him intellectually. After high school, she graduated with a degree in engineering, which was very rare at that time.
My parents had an arranged marriage. Both my father and mother's families are very conservative and strictly patriarchal. My mother was out of my father's league intellectually and he was out of her league physically so naturally, they were perfect for each other. Not to say mother is ugly by any means, she is very pretty but my father could have been a movie star.
My father doesn't like confrontation and is a pushover. I have never spoken to him about it but having known him and watched his interactions with his siblings and friends, I think growing up as the youngest of very smart siblings and being married to a woman who's much smarter than he is, he probably has some deep-rooted insecurities.
My mother on the other hand has an array of psychological problems that have never been diagnosed. My mother's sister who was a year younger than her and who she was closest to, died during their teens due to a disease and it had a profound impact on her. My aunts have told me in fits and bursts that she was basically catatonic for a year after it happened. She eventually got better, I have no idea what sort of treatments they made her go through but this being rural India in the sixties, I don't think any of them would be modern medicine approved. In short, she has episodes of incandescent rage over the littlest things and takes it out on those around her. This happened before her sister died as well but worsened after. My father was never told about this when he married her, and he was very smitten by her quick wit and intellect.
Both of my parents were now in living in Mumbai and had decent jobs. My mother was a rising star in a government job. I was born in the late eighties and at this time, my parents had been married for a few years. My father, having been blindsided by her psychological issues, took to working longer hours and being very subdued. He was also a man raised in a culture of patriarchy, so he didn't really contribute to the running of the household and raising children beyond the barest minimum apart from his salary. So, my mother would have to juggle work, raising children and house chores while my father worked late hours.
All this meant, I had a very difficult childhood. People often joke about Asian parents beating their kids, but I was left to bear the brunt of my mother's mood swings. I would get beatings with belts, sticks, brooms, starved, locked inside bathrooms for hours on end.
My brother was born 4 years after me and my sister was born 2 years after him. I loved them from the moment I saw them. I now had a mission and I made sure I protected them from my mother's rage and my father's apathy. Anytime they did something that could get them punished, I took the blame. In all their lives, my brother has only been hit once and my sister has never been punished. It was a source of personal pride for me.
Things were rough for me growing up and I didn't really make any friends because I was shy, timid and pretty fucking petrified most of the time. I was a lonely kid and very socially awkward. I was very smart though. I did very well in school. By the time I entered my teens, my mother had mellowed considerably but she still occasionally flew into rages. My brother helped her as he was the sweetest little kid and her favorite. He looks exactly like my father. My sister helped further as she was my father's favorite, and he would not tolerate anyone treating her badly.
Both my siblings loved me very much and I was their favorite. My brother looked up to me and copied everything I did, and my sister adored me and followed me around everywhere. For the first time I was happy. I have never felt loved or wanted by my parents. I wouldn't find out why till much later.
At 17 I graduated 12th standard and got into an Engineering college to study computer science in a prestigious college in Bangalore, the same state my parents were from. I left home and lived my first year in hostel. This was my chance to spread my wings. I was 1000km's away from home and no one knew me. For the first time, I made friends. And when I say friends, I don't mean one or two, I made friends with everyone. In the college that I went to, only the first-year boys were allowed to stay in the hostel. I was raised in Mumbai, but my parents still taught me their native language, so I spoke 5 languages and I was able to communicate with everyone.
My sense of humor is self-deprecating, sarcastic, ironic and dark. I am also pretty smart and near the top of my class and I always helped out others on assignments and homework. So, everyone liked me and talked to me, and I was pretty popular in my first year. I didn't make any close friends because I never hung out with any select group of people, but I was part of every group and got along with everyone. I didn't really have much luck with dating as I was still awkward around girls, and I am not good looking. My siblings got the looks in my family while I got the smarts. In fact, the only think I share in looks with them is my eyes. We all have our mothers' eyes. I am short (5'2"), with dark blotchy skin. Also, I didn't find out until very recently, but I have a mild form of Tourette's. I just have some weird ticks that aren't debilitating but if you spend significant amount of time with me, you'll notice it. (Look up Louis Capaldi talking about his Tourettes and it's pretty similar to his and the reason I even found out about it.)
I did however meet Sonali. She was perfect. The prettiest girl I'd ever seen and top of the class. She didn't speak the local language. She also came from a very small village from a traditional family, and this was her first time in a big city. She was kind of isolated because people are threatened by smart, beautiful women and will try to tear them down. I was the only one who spoke her native language (Gujarati, I picked this up because one of our neighbors growing up was a Gujju) and we became friends. I had a huge crush on her but knew she was way out of my league. The class clown oompa loompa is not going to have a chance with the prettiest girl in college.
The only problem I had in this perfect first year was Chemistry. In engineering in India, we are required to take Chemistry and some other subjects in the first year before moving to core subjects over the next 3 years of the four-year course. I sucked at Chemistry. I hated it and abhorred it, and I failed Chemistry, both theory and practical. I had never failed at anything in my life up to that point. At that time, we had to clear all our first-year courses before the end of second year and only then could we enter the third year, or we'd be held back. So, I had 2 more semesters to pass them.
At the end of the first year all firsties had to move out of the hostel and find other accommodations. During this first year, unbeknownst to me, my parents had been in the process of buying a 2 BHK flat in Bangalore. During the final weeks of the year, everyone in hostel had found partners and places to rent in the city. I had found a place with 3 others as well. When I approached my parents to ask for money for the deposit, they told me about the house they were purchasing. It would take them a couple of months to get the deal finalized and they had arranged for me to stay at a family friends place. I had no say in the matter.
So, I had to leave the other 3 to find someone else at the last moment and it caused a bit of friction. Living in such close proximity in the hostel, everyone else knew as well. But I had no backbone when it came to my family and finding a part-time job to support oneself is not something that was the norm. Working as a servewaiter or other such menial jobs was looked down upon and I wasn't allowed to do it.
I moved into the new flat a month into the new semester and a month later, I found two roommates. They had both found accommodations as paying guests, but this wasn't working out for them. One of them was Christian and the other was Muslim and they approached me (a Hindu, this is relevant) and I happily agreed.
We had lots of fun, both of them were pretty popular in our class and together we made a good team. I had close friends and for the first time I experienced, drinking, smoking and weed! Both of them were pretty good looking so I even made friends with some girls. At the end of my third semester, I failed to clear Chemistry again. Both theory and practical. I went home during the break after the semester ended but my roommates had planned to stay. When I got home, my parents were pissed. They confiscated my phone during the entire 3-week break, and I wasn't allowed out of the house.
When I returned at the start of the next semester, things had changed drastically. My roommates were gone, and all their stuff was gone. They wouldn't return my calls or texts and at college everyone avoided me and only spoke to me if it was absolutely needed. I was pretty blindsided by this sudden change in attitude from everyone and couldn't figure out what had happened.
Sonali was the only one who would talk or sit with me in class and even she looked like she was disappointed with me. I didn't get a chance to speak to her properly till a week into the semester when I finally found out the reason for everyone's hatred. It turns out, during the 3-week break, my parents had gotten some friend of theirs who was politically connected to forcefully evict my roommates. We had never signed any rental agreements and they just paid me some cash and paid for groceries and utilities. My parents' friend had gotten physical with my friends and pushed and slapped them around. My parents had blamed them for me failing Chemistry. My parents, orthodox Hindu brahmins, had told them that their impure Christian and Muslim influence had led their son astray. There was another much deeper reason for their reaction which I wouldn't find out till much later.
My friends had tried to contact me but since I didn't have my phone, I never knew. Not that I could have done anything really. I couldn't have stood up to my family. When Sonali told me this, I knew there was no coming back from this. I told her what had happened and my situation with my family and she stood by me and tried to get others to forgive me, but it was little use. Everyone blamed me for not having a backbone and I knew I deserved their scorn. With one incident, I went from being everyone's friend to a social pariah. I had one friend left and all my dreams of spreading my wings and making friends were over 18 months into my new life.
I spent the remaining 5 semesters, alone and friendless. I would go to class and return home to play video games. I finally passed fucking Chemistry and excelled in everything. Professors loved me but everyone in my class hated me, and I knew I was the butt of many jokes. Sometimes I would get teased and made fun of openly, but Sonali always stood by me and was my only friend. Internet was my salvation and I spent countless hours playing online games, reading, writing, browsing message boards and just generally trolling the internet.
In the final semester of engineering, we are required to do a project/thesis/present a paper which is a major part of final passing requirement. These projects are almost always group project. Sonali had already been planning and working with a couple of other girls on something and nobody else in class wanted to partner with me. I had known this would be the case, so I had been working on a very simple platform game (think Super Mario but shittier) in Visual Basic. My project supervisor approved me working on a solo project.
We were required to do a presentation in front of the class and the player character in my game was a short, dark, plump guy wearing a lungi (google it). It was a self-deprecating attempt at portraying myself as this weird bumbling character. If I had friends and was popular, everyone laughing at this wouldn't have bothered me. But I had spent 2 years alone and isolated and what had been intended as my usual laughing at myself quirky personification became ammunition for some rather cruel jokes at my expense.
After the presentation, I sat with Sonali and cried in her lap. It was the first time I had ever cried in front of anyone since I had been 6 years old. She comforted me and then kissed me. I was shocked and confused. I asked her if she had just kissed me because she pitied me and she told me that she really liked me. I had been her first and only friend and I always made her laugh and cheered her up and she had liked me for a while. We started dating but didn't tell anyone because we both came from conservative families, and this was still India and people talk.
In our final year, lot of big companies came for campus recruitment. Even though I am weird looking and somewhat awkward, I am supremely confident in my academic skills, and very competent. My English is better than almost everyone I knew and certainly better than any of my peers. My professors also provided glowing recommendations. I bagged positions with 5 of the top tech companies that were recruiting. Sonali, the star of our class got selected by 8.
She wanted to leave Bangalore and we both decided to pick the same company that had offered us positions in Mumbai. I moved back home. She met my family 6 months later and they loved her. She also comes from an orthodox Hindu Brahmin family and for the first time in my life, something about me had my mother's approval. We had agreed to wait a few years before making any serious decisions about the future as we wanted to focus on our careers. I had a very high paying job, and I was going to rise rapidly through the ranks at work (this part is written retrospectively because I did). I had a gorgeous girlfriend who was loved by my family. I was 21 years old, and I had a perfect life.
When I was in my final year of engineering, my brother was about to start his first year of college. He had no interest in the sciences and leaned towards more artistic pursuits. He is pretty much a rockstar, he danced, he sang, he was handsome and charismatic. My sister who had just joined a junior college was the female version of him. Pretty, popular and entirely too devious for my parents' delicate sensibilities. I knew they had multiple partners, and both my siblings drank and smoked and partied. This was a pretty big deal in Indian culture during the early aughties.
My parents had chosen specific career paths for all three of us without asking us. I was to be the engineer; my brother would be the doctor and sister would be the chartered accountant. Neither my brother nor my sister wanted to follow the career paths chosen for them. So, I used every bit of cunning and manipulation I'd learned from my mother to persuade my parents. I eventually convinced them, and my brother got into Journalism and my sister got to study Media Studies.
Fast forward to 4 years later, I'm now 25 and have experienced exponential growth in my professional life. I have also learned a fair bit about the stock market and investments. I lived at home, so I had no expenses, so I had built myself a handy nest egg. I knew the perfect life wouldn't last as my mother still had episodes, especially when my siblings did rebellious things. But I protected them. It wasn't entirely altruistic. I never got to enjoy my life in college, and I lived vicariously through them. I would listen to the stories of their exploits and give them pocket money and derived almost voyeuristic pleasure being the hero in their friends' eyes.
I still didn't really have close friends, but I was happy with my girlfriend. We don't really do much physically (I was still a virgin) because I was still kind of awkward and too scared to push her lest I lose this absolute goddess. She never pushed either and I always assumed this was because she came from a traditional conservative family, but we never really spoke about it. She was a regular fixture in my house and at our family functions and close to everyone in my family.
This was when Sonali was headhunted by a tech firm who offered her a position in London. This was a once in a lifetime opportunity and I knew this would be our ticket out. I convinced her to take the job, because in my head I was planning a future where we would eventually settle down abroad and I could get away from my parents. So, my girlfriend moved to England. I missed her terribly, she was really my only friend but we skyped almost daily and I was buzzing for her.
A year later, my sister graduated and wanted to pursue a masters degree. She did the research and found a course that she wanted in London. Sonali helped her with the entire thing. At the same time, my brother who had been working for a regional news channel also expressed interest in pursuing a master's degree because he had become disillusioned with the way media worked. He also found a course he could do in Liverpool. I thought this was the universe's way rewarding me for the shit life I had lived up to that point. The three most important people in my life, the only three people I loved in the world would all be in England and away from my toxic parents. Stars were aligning and I could soon escape.
I broke my nest egg, made sure both my brother and sister could get into the programs they had chosen. My parents were against sending my sister (because patriarchy) but agreed after my brother got in as well and on the condition my sister live with Sonali. This was a non-issue as everyone agreed. And off they went to jolly old England!
The next two years were absolute torture. With no buffer and being away from my brother and sister, my mother's episodes became more frequent. She couldn't lock me in bathrooms or starve me anymore, but the emotional and psychological torture kept eroding at me. I would be belittled, made constant fun of, put down and insulted almost on a daily basis. I contemplated leaving the house multiple times, but I wanted to save money for my eventual move, so I just started staying late at work. This just made her more vindictive and crueler, but I endured.
Then both my siblings finished their courses and were going to graduate. My parents and I planned a trip to England for their graduation. Me and Sonali had been discussing marriage and I was going to propose. We would be in England for 3 weeks and I had a whole plan to propose to her and then take a 2-week vacation for a Euro trip with her and my brother and sister. I discussed this with my sister and brother, and they seemed non-committal. I assumed it had to do with finances and I assured them I would cover it, but they still seemed pretty unenthusiastic. They just told me to come to England and we'd make final decisions then.
When we got there, they obviously seemed delighted to have us there, but anytime I tried to discuss the trip, they were evasive. There was never a time I was alone with any one of them and they had planned a shit load of touristy things to do during the first week. I say all this with hindsight of course because at that time I didn't notice any of this.
The day after my sister's graduation and 3 days before my brother's graduation, I finally convinced Sonali to go to a dinner date with just me. In the taxi ride over, I told her I wanted to propose to her soon and asked if she'd be receptive to it. I'm not someone who's comfortable with big public shows of affection and I knew she wasn't either. She broke down and started crying. We never got to the restaurant and went back to her house. My parents were staying at a hotel and my siblings took them out.
Back at her house she told me she had cheated on me. With my brother. It had started during his final year in college. At that time, they had just been texting, but she was attracted to him and was smitten (her fucking words). They didn't do anything for the next two years, just heavy flirting and occasional suggestive texts but nothing too explicit. No nudes, no actual sexting, just heavily implied. (She showed me those texts). When she left for England, their texting turned to proper sexting. With nudes exchanged, nude video calls almost every night.
When my brother had finally moved to England, they had both gotten cold feet when faced with the prospect of actually physically betraying me and didn't see each other for the first 3 months. They didn't chat, text, call, nothing. My sister would go to Liverpool on weekends and often invite Sonali, but she always made excuses. My brother never came to London. She became suspicious and finally confronted them both because they both seemed miserable and mopey. They both admitted that they were in love but didn't want to do anything because it would break me.
My sister wanted them to come clean to me, but they were all scared. I had been talking about how shit life at home was to all of them and they feared this would make me do something drastic like kill myself. So, they decided to wait till they all came back but my sister wouldn't stand in their way or rat them out. That's when they actually started the relationship and had been together for almost two years.
Sonali didn't tell me all of this right away, but I forced it out of her and my brother and my sister over the next two days. She told me she had cheated on me and only started after they were all in England. But I forced her to turn over her phone, went through her entire chat history and slew of emails. I confronted my brother and sister and forced them all to tell me every fucking thing in detail.
This woman, who I had idealized and worshipped had been fucking my brother for two years. The same woman I had never pushed for a more physical relationship and never even sexted or seen naked had been fucking my brother for two years. When I asked her why, she said when she had first kissed me, there was a part of her that had pitied me, and she was scared I might have killed myself because she had never seen me so broken. She had never really been physically attracted to me but felt trapped.
Then she met my family, and she loved them, and she thought she could live with this sort of compromise like every woman in India who agrees to an arranged marriage with a person not of their choosing. She figured, arranged marriage was in her future anyways and I was kind to her and never pushed her for anything and my mother and sister were not cruel to her, so she was getting a better deal than most.
Then she had been charmed by my brother. Not intentionally. She had realized she had more in common with him than she ever did with me. My likes, hobbies are more western and hers are more Indian, like my brother. I exclusively watched English/European shows and movies and games while she was into Bollywood. She liked being around him and looked forward to seeing him each time. She was obviously attracted to him physically in a way she had never been to me. He never really did anything to show interest, he was just his usual charming self. She was the one who started chatting and texting and subtly flirting with him. She was the one who started making advances on him according to her.
When I asked my brother, he told me he had always been attracted to her but never acted on it because of me. But when he realized she was coming on to him, he never rebuffed her and reciprocated.
I felt sick that in all the years we'd been friends and in all the time I'd loved her, I had never been able to show her what she truly meant to me and how much I respected her. I was a compromise to her. Never a partner to build a life with, just something she had to endure. Again, most of these realizations are retrospective. The only clear thought I had at that time was betrayal and anger and disgust at myself for believing that the class clown oompa loompa had a chance with the prettiest girl in college.
When my family returned, there was a huge confrontation. My father, as expected was a silent spectator. My brother and sister had known that Sonali was going to tell me everything and had been prepared. I asked my sister why she never told me, and she said it wasn't her place. She had seen both of them for the first three months they had been in England and known how miserable they had been and how happy they made each other, and she just went with it.
My mother obviously took my brother's side. She actually had the temerity to tell me to just step aside so everyone could be happy. Not once did she ever consider my happiness. When tempers flared and I was just going off on everyone, calling them all horrible names, only my mother still remained defiant. She told me how I had been nothing but pain for her. I had been a pain to her during the 9 months I had been in her womb, I had been a pain to her when I tore her apart coming out of her. And then she told me why she truly hated me.
My mother had been raped by a co-worker. At the time they didn't know if I was her husbands child or the rapists so they never had an abortion but when I was born, there was no doubt. I was the spitting image of him. My parents had been raising a kid who reminded them of the rapist every time they looked at me. When she had beaten and punished me, it was to make sure I was always obedient and didn't turn out like the rapist. When they evicted my friends in college, it was to ensure I wasn't led astray. My siblings had never known, only my parents had known because of the stigma rape carries for women.
My life was shattered. I walked out on all of them, collected my shit from the hotel and left England two days later. I came back to India, collected my shit from my house and left. Over the next month, I closed my bank accounts, removed all trace of myself financially, quit my job, changed my number, quit all social media and basically disappeared from their lives and left Mumbai. That was 8 years ago.
I moved to a different city and got a new job, found a new place to live. I tried to start over. I buried myself in work, but my social life was non-existent. For 2 years, I didn't go to any place that wasn't either work or my home. I was financially independent and pretty well off. I never even contemplated dating. I would just work, play video games, read books and write. Everything I did was basically just trying to distract myself from thinking about how I was the product of rape.
The first time I went to any place other than work or home was when I was invited by my co-worker Benjamin to his housewarming. He was my first real friend. We shared similar interests and hobbies and we worked very well together. He started inviting me to spend weekends at his house, and sometimes would come over to my place with his girlfriend and we'd spend an entire Saturday playing video games. When they got married, Benjamin even asked me to be a groomsman.
They would often host parties for co-workers at their house and I had a standing invitation. I met some interesting people, learned to broaden my horizons and found a few new interests. I never disclosed my past to anyone and just pretended to be an orphan. I was still pretty awkward around women and just as ugly as ever so I never dated. Most women just found me funny (I am hilarious in a very self-deprecating way) and I never approached anyone.
I had bought my own 3 BHK flat in a pretty affluent area of the city, I was doing very well professionally and I even had a small circle of friends, mostly through knowing Benjamin. He and his girlfriend encouraged me to put myself out there and try to date but my only experience with it had soured me and I was not that confident. But I figured, what's the worst that could happen right? Well, the answer is humiliation.
Over the next two years, I made 4 attempts to approach women. First time at a bar, I tried a cheesy pickup line, the girl laughed in my face. In hindsight, I would have laughed at myself if I was the girl too. It was embarrassing but I got over it pretty quickly. I tried the bar scene again, this time trying to introduce myself and being polite but one look at me and the girl made a face and walked away. I realized that this approach is never going to work for me. I was a short, balding, dark guy in India. We are literally the reason the arranged marriage industry is still thriving in this country.
Next time, I asked someone out, it was a co-workefriend. She was funny and we got along well. She worked in Ben's wife's department and I had gotten to know her at Ben's place. Ben's wife had encouraged me and I asked her out to dinner. She was very polite when she rejected me and said she had just gotten out of a relationship and wanted to be single for a while. I figured this was very fair and didn't bother her again for a few months. We still saw each other occasionally at work and were cordial but kept our distance to avoid awkwardness.
A few months down the line, we ran into each at our companies annual party/award night. I was hanging out with Ben and his wife when she had come over. After she left, I asked Ben's wife what her situation was and if I should try again. Ben's wife got pretty uncomfortable and basically told me that after rejecting me, that girl had been making fun of me to others. The gist I got was I had been made out to be some sort of weirdo for thinking someone like me had a chance with someone like her. That one hurt.
In desperation, I made one last attempt by signing up on Tinder. After a solid year of swiping right on every single human girl, I finally matched with one. We exchanged some messages, and eventually arranged to meet up at a cafe. As you can guess, I was stood up. That was 2018 and I gave up. I wasn't meant for relationships and love and decided to make my peace with it.
Around this time Ben got an offer and he moved his entire family to the US. I was all alone again. During these years, I knew brother and sister had tried to find me. I had disappeared from their lives but I still kept tabs on them. Both of them and Sonali had sent me multiple emails during the first 3 years. A lot of what I wrote above, about their reasons and the insights into their behavior and feelings I gleamed from these emails. They told me that they still considered me family and my father wanted to reach out to me. I didn't learn everything during those two days in England but slowly over the next 3 years through these random guilty-ridden missives.
I never replied to them though. This was their only way to contact me and they didn't know if I even read any of it. I read every single one. This is how I knew that Sonali had married my brother a year after I left. My sister had gotten married a year after them. She had implored me to come to her wedding and sent a teary video. That was the closest I ever came to reconciliation but in the end decided it wasn't worth it. About a year after my sister's wedding, the first of my nieces was born. I have her picture framed in my house. She's adorable. My brother also had a son and sent me pictures and I have it framed as well. But eventually those emails stopped with no responses. I still follow all three of them on Instagram under a fake profile. They think I'm a distant cousin. They're all still living in England, have nice houses and beautiful families. My parents have moved there as well. They all seem very happy and content.
The final part of this story beings in August 2019. I had pretty much gone back to my routine of work and home and nothing else after Ben had left when I fainted at work. I was taken to the emergency room and the doctors recommended a bunch of tests. Long story short, they discovered cancer. It was discovered very early, and I was a given a bunch of options and told I had a very good chance of making a full recovery. I consulted a couple specialists for a second and third options and they all confirmed the diagnosis along with the treatment options and optimism about recovery.
Long ago Sonali had feared that I would kill myself and she had kissed me. My brother and sister had feared that I would kill myself and hidden the truth from me. They should never have bothered. I don't have the courage to kill myself. I would continue to live in misery for as long as I could. But I can let something else kill me. I don't believe in god or anything metaphysical or spiritual really. I don't believe in karma. But I am writer and my sense of humor is ironic and dark. Against all medical advice I decided not to opt for treatment. Only 3 people know that I have cancer and only two of them know that I will be dead soon and only 1 of them knows I refused treatment for something I could have survived.
My boss knows I have cancer and has allowed me completely flexibility with my work. When the pandemic and lockdown started and we started working from home, my work remained just as good. I worked it out with my company where I will work from home indefinitely. I informed them that I would not seek any promotions and only the annual raises and performance bonuses and in return I would be able to continue to work at my leisure and lend my expertise where it was needed. I am a fucking genius at my job and this is a win-win for everyone.
My lawyer knows I have cancer and he is under the impression that it's terminal and all treatments have failed. He has helped write my will and has been given specific instructions on executing it. My house will be sold, all my assets will be liquefied split 4 ways. One will be bequeathed to Ben's children, one for my sister's children and one for my brother and Sonali's children. All three of these will only be bequeathed one full year after I die. I will be cremated and the remains will be flushed down the toilet in a sulabh shauchalaya. It's the darkest, funniest way I could think of to go out.
My doctor knows I have cancer and that I refused all treatment. He knows I will most likely be dead before the end of the year and will be lucky to make it to my 37th birthday in September. He has tried countless times to convince me over the last 3 years but my mind was made up the moment I heard I had cancer. I finally had a fool-proof way out. He has been a saint and helped me manage the pain and care beyond any normal doctor-patient obligation. The final part of my assets will be donated to a cause of his choosing as soon as I am gone.
I have lived 36 pitiful years on this planet. I did some stellar work and there are billions of people who have probably used one of the apps or programs I worked on, but I was just one of countless others and nothing I did couldn't have been done by someone else. None of the people I called family or friends will know I have died at least for a year after I am gone. There will be no funeral and I will begin my great journey beyond via the faulty plumbing of a dirty Indian public toilet. Chances are, I won't be remembered long and the only people who will ever think fondly of me are the anonymous masses that have liked my fanfiction stories.
All I can tell anyone who reads this wall of text is that don't pity me. I was dealt a shit hand and I am now folding but you can only ever play the hand you've been dealt. There is no moral to this story and there are definitely no happy endings. Hope you all have better luck.

peep how there was barely any coverage on this while spottem had the whole internet against him, Dot is one of the biggest rappers in jax and gets damn near 1M views each video. Unless his vids are botted (rumors been going around), how df did this shit go under the rug?
If you look at comments of his new song or reaction videos to his new song, you see the same people in there saying the SAME shit, cappin about paperwork and a bunch of likes on it.
There was just a recent post making up fanfiction about what happened that day saying Dot and Popout was in a car chase and shell casings were found at the scene 🤣🤣. The people who agreed wit the post and said "it make sense" were literally new ACCOUNTS that hadn't commented ever on this sub.
There's more coverage on Dot's response track than when he got exposed for telling. I'm tellin yall just read comments on reaction videos or on this reddit and you'll see what i'm talkin bout. He bottin this shit to change the narrative wit his rat ass

So I've been seeing a few posts and having a few conversations in the last few weeks about negativity, hate and social media.
Through some of the work I do this has led to me putting together a bit of a social media survival/self care guide for LGBTQ+ people. The aim being to help people enjoy social media and reduce the impact of hate.
I'm still finishing it so any suggestions for extra bits would be great but also wanted to share it here in case it helps anyone.

• Take regular breaks. Do something with friends or even just stuff on your own offline. Read a book, write something, make some art, give a pet some cuddles. Remember to turn off your notifications for awhile.
• Report, block and ignore the hate and trolls. Don't waste your energy responding to them. Most of them are just trying to get reactions and attention any way they can. Engaging with it means the site may recommend similar content to you and your friends more often creating a horrible negative cycle.
• Block any profiles that regularly share hate or negativity. Remember on Reddit you can mute an entire subreddit so it doesn't show in your feed: https://reddit.zendesk.com/hc/en-us/articles/9810475384084-What-is-community-muting-
• Don't go looking for the hate. Don't scroll past all the positive comments and focus on the negative ones at the bottom, don't click on links from people saying "oh my god this video is so bad" or "the comments are horrible" - doing this often is essentially a form of self harm.
• Share responsibly. Check for sources and evidence of news you share, avoid sharing misleading or exaggerated titles. Do not share anything you can't find a reputable source for. Avoid sharing examples of hate too often, we know it's out there, we know it's bad, we don't need constant reminders of it. (Note this sub specifically has a rule not to do this).
• Change up your feed. Follow a load of positive pages/profiles and block the bad. Sign in to a different account you just use for positive stuff or even just pictures of cats. Try signing out and either clearing your cookies or viewing in an in-private window so you get more neutral recommendations.
• Avoid information overload. Awareness of what's happening is good. Feeling you need to absorb every possible thought, article or blog about something every time is not. Balance your time between news and more fun stuff.
• Change your go-to boredom activity. It's easy to switch to using a social media app when bored, try something else. Play a game, read an ebook, fanfiction, webcomic or even an actual book. Download or bookmark a few so you always have some to go to.
• Spread some positivity. Rather than pour effort into arguing with trolls use the time instead to find someone who needs support, or has shared something cool and leave them a little messsage of support. Sharing positivty feels so much better than arguing with a troll.
• Reach out and talk to someone. If you feel you're struggling with the hate out there, social media addiction or even just feel a bit concerned about what you're seeing or how often you use social media.

And always remember that there are positive spaces out there online that try to tackle hate as much as possible and generally feel a bit safer than just the open internet in general. Find positive communities to be a part of and start filtering out the bad. Lots of people want you to be happy and feel part of the community, focus your time and efforts on them - not the hate and trolls.